Chapter 49 4. Obsessive language only leads to family conflict

Introduction: Conflicts are caused by different opinions, different perspectives, and even different solutions, and couples who have an intimate relationship will naturally have problems in this regard. In the halls of marriage, we hear the familiar phrase of the wedding ceremony: "For better or worse, poor or rich, sick or healthy, you will love each other hereafter, until the day of death." However, Later in life, we find that such oaths cannot be trusted. We know that even as I write these words, countless families are fighting, and countless men and women are grieving.If we broaden our horizons, we can turn our observations into one sentence: where there are people, there are contradictions and conflicts - and families are no exception.

While this result may sound disheartening, it needn't be.It's great to be friendly and loving, but even a few conflicts make our married life more interesting.Conflict is caused by different opinions, different perspectives, and even different solutions, and couples in an intimate relationship naturally have problems in this regard. Maybe you think your wife might look more comfortable without makeup, and you want her to accept your point of view, but unfortunately, she insists that she is more attractive with makeup, and even thinks that without makeup, she will not feel confident, and the result The two argued endlessly.When such a family conflict arises, we will find a way to deal with it. At the same time, we always hope that both of us are satisfied with the result of the settlement. From this point of view, the above solution to the makeup issue is not appropriate.Faced with these inevitable conflicts in life, how should we resolve them?

The method I advocate is that you cannot use coercive language to persuade the other party or order the other party to do anything, as I mentioned earlier, because the result of doing so will only be unfavorable to you.I think many of you have heard this old story. Because he wanted to prove that he was stronger than the sun, the wind said to the sun: "I am much stronger than you, and I can easily prove it to you - I can quickly take off that person's clothes." Hiding, he began to exert his power.But the harder the wind blew, the tighter the man wrapped himself in his clothes.

Finally, the wind had to give up its efforts.At this time, the sun came out from behind the dark clouds, warming people's bodies.The man began to sweat and took off his coat. The sun said to the wind: "The power of kindness is always stronger than the power of coercion." Indeed, coercion often fails to achieve its purpose.There's an old saying that you can't lasso a man with a gun.Of course, this may be one-sided, because you can't put a gun on a woman.It means that you cannot force your wife or husband to do something.If you don't care about the repercussions, like creating a rift in your family, then I have nothing to say.

Not long ago, I had a one-on-one conversation with the CEO of a large corporation.He is a young successful man, and because of his excellent work, his photos often appear on the prominent pages of major newspapers in the United States.He was very excited at the beginning of the conversation, but when we talked about his beautiful wife, he started to scowle and moan. "Alas!" said the president, "my wife never understands me. I give her everything she needs to become more educated and qualified, but instead of thanking me, she seems to be Very dissatisfied with my behavior."

"How do you do it?" I asked him. "Oh," the president replied, "I want to send her to New York University—I think that's something she needs urgently. I'm going to send her there for a year and then run the company with me." As far as I know, he has a high degree of education and is proficient in business management knowledge. More importantly, he is very interested in this work.But I don't know if he was sure that his wife shared his interest in business management.I asked him this question. "Undoubtedly," said the gentleman, "how can she not be interested in this, since she is married to me, and has lived with me for nearly five years?"

Although I am not sure that his judgment is wrong, I know that the reason why his wife is dissatisfied with his decision must be due to interest.Like most people, this gentleman also made a very easy mistake, that is, he judged that they had the same interests and hobbies just based on the fact that the other party was his wife. So he was forcing his wife to take his advice—which at this point seemed to be an order.If I analyze it with the reason I mentioned before, even if his wife originally wanted to obey him, when she finds that she is being ordered, she will unconsciously develop a mentality of resistance.

Such truths are not necessarily only known to psychologists or marriage experts.People who have lived a happy life know this and never use obsessive words to their wives or husbands.They never say "what should you do" or "you shouldn't think that way", but express themselves in more subtle ways. Compulsive language seems to be playing out all the time.Most men are wary of their customers for fear of saying a wrong word, but yell at their wives like a tyrant.They are always used to instructing their close lovers how to do things and how to speak.No wonder Dix said, "It's surprising that our family members are the ones who say the most hurtful things." Oliver Hames describes such a situation in his book "The Dictator for Breakfast" .But Harms himself is not like this, he never let his wife see his face, even if he is in a bad mood, he does not vent his anger on others.

Dorothy Dix once remarked that more than half of all marriages fail.In her opinion, a large part of the reason for marriage failure is related to compulsive language.She questioned: "What puzzles the wives is why they can't be more gentle with them when they can use gentler means instead of coercion?" "A man knows that flattery can make his wife do anything desperately. He knows that as long as he praises his wife's housekeeping, she will give her last penny to help the family; he knows that as long as he praises his wife for wearing clothes last year The old-fashioned clothes she bought were very beautiful, and she would not think about the high fashion in Paris. He knew that his kisses could make his wife prefer to be blinded and hoarse. All these methods, the wife has already told He's gone, but why doesn't he seem to know at all?"

As a man, I can tell wives with certainty that these methods apply to them as well.Therefore, for the happiness of the family, all should give up using obsessive language, because we all know that such a strong attitude will never bring the other party to its knees. Bow your head because of love: (1) Respect the other party, which is one of the important prerequisites for you not to use compulsive language. (2) Between husband and wife, no one is in a leadership position. (3) Don't think that your conflict is absolute. In fact, there is no absolute conflict. The key is to resolve the conflict properly.

(4) Don't lose your temper because of meaningless trivial matters. You don't have to win or lose in trivial matters. This is absolutely meaningless behavior.