Chapter 11 2. Avoid arguing with others

Introduction: There is only one way in the world to get the greatest victory in debate, and that is to avoid debate as much as possible, like avoiding poisonous snakes and earthquakes. Debates can only result in defeat, never victory.Even if you appear to be victorious, in reality it is indistinguishable from defeat.Because even if you beat the opponent in the debate, refute the opponent to pieces, and even accuse the opponent of insanity, what will happen to the result?You are naturally very quick, and you are naturally very happy, but the other party will feel inferior.You hurt his self-esteem, and he will resent you.That's the point I'm going to make in this section.

I learned an extremely important lesson in London shortly after World War II.At that time, I was the manager of the Australian aviator James.During and shortly after the war, James became a figure in the world's attention.One evening, I was at a banquet in honor of James.During the dinner, a gentleman sitting on my right told us a witty story, which just confirmed such a maxim: "Man makes things happen, but God makes things happen." However, the source of this sentence, the Mr. misremembered. He pointed out that the line was from the Bible, and I happened to know that it was from Shakespeare.So, in order to show my superiority, I corrected him obnoxiously and without scruple.However, the man insisted on his statement: "What? That sentence comes from Shakespeare? Impossible, absolutely impossible." He was very confident and insisted on his statement.

Sitting to my left at the time was my old friend Gammon, an expert on Shakespeare.We let Garmon decide who of us is right.Gammon kicked me under the table and said, "Carnegie, you're wrong, it's actually from the Bible." After the banquet we went home together.I blamed Gammon and said, "You know that the sentence came from Shakespeare, why do you still say I'm wrong?" "Yes, that's all right," said Garmon. "It's from Shakespeare's Hamlet, Act V, Scene 2. But Carnegie, we're all guests at this party, why do we have to find a evidence, to accuse others of their mistakes? Will you make others feel good about you? Why can’t you save him a little face? He doesn’t want to ask for your opinion, and he doesn’t want to know what you think, and you Why argue with him? You should never have a direct confrontation with others!"

"Never have a direct conflict with others", the person who said this sentence is no longer in this world, but I will always remember this sentence. This lesson shocked me greatly.I used to be an opinionated person, and I liked to argue with people since I was a child.When I was in college, I was very interested in logic and debate, and I often participated in various debate competitions.Later, I taught debate classes in New York and even planned to write a book on debate.Now, when I think about these things, I feel utterly ashamed.Since that day, I have listened to thousands of debates, paying close attention to the aftermath of each debate.

I have come to a conclusion, which is also a truth: there is only one way in the world to achieve the greatest victory in debate, and that is to avoid debate as much as possible, like avoiding poisonous snakes and earthquakes. I've also found that after a debate, nine times out of ten, each person still sticks to his or her point of view, believing that they are absolutely right.You can't win an argument!If you lose, of course you lose; but even if you win, you still lose.Why?So what if you beat the other side, and prove him useless by shattering his body or riddling him with holes?You may be elated, but he resents your victory for being humiliated. "Even if a person admits defeat verbally, he is not convinced at all in his heart."

Many years ago, Mr. Harry, a feisty Irishman, attended my tutoring class.He has little education, but he loves to argue!He had worked as a car driver for others.Later, he switched to selling trucks, but was not very successful, so he came to me for help.I questioned him a little, and it became apparent that he was always arguing with and offending his customers.If a buyer is critical of the car he is selling, he will be furious and argue loudly with the other party until the other party is rendered speechless. He did win quite a few arguments back then.He later told me, "Whenever I walk out of someone's office, I say to myself, 'I've finally taught that guy a lesson.' I did tell him, but I didn't sell anything."

So my first challenge was not just to teach Harry how to talk to people, but my immediate task was to train him how to refrain from talking and get into an argument.Mr. Harry is now a star salesman for the White Motor Company in New York.How did he succeed?Here is his own account of what happened: "If I walk into a customer's office right now and he says 'What? White cars? They're not good! You give them to me for free and I don't want them. I'll just buy so-and-so'. I say: 'Please Listen, man, that's a really nice car, and you can't go wrong buying one. That company's got solid cars, and they've got great salesmen'."

"So he has nothing to say. He has no room to argue with me. If he says that such-and-such is the best car, and I say it is, then he has to shut up. Now that I agree His opinion, and of course he couldn't go on saying 'the so-and-so car is the best' all afternoon. So we stopped talking about the so-and-so car, and I began to tell him the virtues of the White car." "If I had heard him say that in my day, I would have lost my temper. I would have quarreled with him immediately, picking on such-and-such a car. And the more critical I belittled it, the harder my customer would defend it. The more I defended like this, the more I believed and liked my competitor's product. Looking back now, I really don't know how many things I could sell in my life. I spent a lot of time in my life talking to others .Now my silence is very effective.”

As the wise Benjamin Franklin used to say: "If you are competitive, if you enjoy arguing and refuting others for fun, you may win a moment of victory, but such victories are meaningless and worthless, because you will never have Get the favor of the other party." So, you should carefully consider: would you rather have a superficial victory with no real meaning, or hope to gain someone's favor?You know, you can't have it both ways. Bath Mutual Life Insurance Company has this rule for their employees: don't argue.They believe that a good salesman will not argue with customers, even if it disagrees with the most common opinions, it should be avoided as much as possible.Because people's thinking is not easy to change.

Madhu, who served as Secretary of the Treasury during President Wilson's tenure, told people a lesson from his years of political experience: "We can never use arguments to convince an ignorant person." And if I have to say it, I think you Don't try to use debate to change anyone's opinion, not just the ignorant. Mr. Parsons, an income tax consultant, once argued for an hour with a government tax inspector over a $9,000 account.Payson's opinion is that no income tax should be levied on other people, because it is a bad debt that can never be recovered.And the inspector thinks the tax must be paid.Payson told the workshop what happened afterwards:

"He is indifferent, arrogant, and stubborn. Reasoning with this kind of person is like talking nonsense. The more I argue with him, the more stubborn he is. Later, I decided not to continue arguing with him, so I changed the subject and continued. I praised him a few words. 'Since you have dealt with many similar issues', I said to him, 'so this issue must be a piece of cake for you. Although I have also studied taxation, it is only on paper. Of course you know that these require practical experience. To be honest, I am very envious of you having such a position, and this period of time has benefited me a lot'." "Of course, I told him the truth. The inspector straightened up and began to talk about his work, and told a lot about the fraud cases he handled. His tone gradually calmed down, and then he said To his own family and children. Before leaving, he told me that he planned to go back and think about this issue again. Three days later, he came to see me and said that the tax was handled according to the terms of the tax item, and no more would be collected.” There is such a weakness in human nature that everyone wants to be recognized by others.When Parson argues with him, he appears authoritative, hoping to build up his self-esteem, and when Parson agrees with him, he immediately becomes a kind, compassionate person, and naturally Stop arguing. Sakyamuni once said: "Hatred can never stop hate, only love can stop hate." Therefore, misunderstandings cannot be resolved by arguments, but must be resolved by using certain diplomacy and the approval of others. Once, Lincoln once reprimanded an officer who quarreled with his colleagues: "A man who has achieved great things should not argue with others everywhere, nor should he spend a lot of time arguing with others. Pointless arguments will not only damage your education , and will make you lose self-control, try to be as humble as possible to others. Instead of blocking a dog, it is better to let it take a step first. Because if you are bitten by a dog, even if you kill the dog, it will not cure you. Heal your wound." This sentence of Lincoln should also become the criterion of your actions, so the second point to become a good talker is "avoid arguing with others"! Arguing will only cost you points: (1) True salesmanship is not an argument, even an unabashed one.Because people's opinions don't change because of arguments. (2) Before you start arguing, think about what the other person is saying. (3) Sometimes the truth is not as clear as it gets debated. (4) Don't directly point out the mistakes of others, because this may lead to a boring argument for you.