Chapter 12 3. Don’t blame others for their mistakes

Quote: With humility and strategy, you will be invincible. No matter how you accuse someone, say he is wrong, do you think he will agree with you?Absolutely not!Even if you argue with him with all the Platonic or Kantian logic, it won't change his mind because you've hurt his feelings. Never say something like, "I'm going to show you that..." That's going to screw things up.Because that's like saying, "I'm smarter than you. I'm going to tell you what to do to make you change your mind." That's a challenge that will only cause disputes and resistance, and make the other party talk to you without even listening to what you're saying. Argue.

When Theodore Roosevelt entered the White House, he admitted that if he got it right 75 percent of the time, he had met his highest expectations.If that is the highest hope of one of the greatest men of the 20th century, what about you and me?If you're sure you're right 55 percent of the time, you can go to Wall Street and make a million dollars a day.If you don't have such assurance, how can you say others are wrong? When I was studying Lincoln in his youth, I was surprised to find that the broad-minded Lincoln was originally a man who took pleasure in pointing out the mistakes of others.When he was young, he was very fond of judging others, and often wrote satirical letters to those he thought were bad.He often left the letter directly on the country road, so that it could be easily read by others walking.Even after he was a trainee attorney in Springfield, Illinois, he often attacked his naysayers in the newspapers.

In the autumn of 1842, Lincoln experienced an unforgettable event.At the time he wrote an anonymous letter, published in the Springfield Journal, mocking a self-important politician, James Sills.The letter brought Hills the ridicule of the town.Hills was so angry that he tried his best to track down the writer, and finally found out that the letter was written by Lincoln.He demanded a duel with Lincoln to preserve his honor.Originally, Lincoln didn't like duels, but he had no choice but to agree.He chose the knight's saber as his weapon and invited a West Point graduate to instruct him in fencing.

In the following days, Lincoln has been in a state of guilt and self-blame, because all this was caused by his accusation of the other party's mistakes.In this state of mind, he waited for the thrilling moment.Fortunately—and very unexpectedly—someone intervened to prevent the duel just before it began. How foolish it is to be forced to fight someone else for life by blaming them for their mistakes.Lincoln finally decided not to do such a thing again.He no longer writes swearing letters, and he no longer accuses anyone of anything. During the Civil War, Lincoln changed the generals of the Army of the Potomac several times, but the generals repeatedly made mistakes.Lincoln was relentlessly accused of misemploying men.Lincoln did not blame these generals for this, but remained silent.He said: "If you blame and criticize others, others will do the same to you." He added: "Don't blame them, it would probably be the same for us."

The Battle of Gettysburg, which began on July 3, 1863, was the most important battle of the Civil War. On July 4th, General Lee led his army and began to withdraw to the south.He fled to the Potomac River with his defeated soldiers. In front of him was the turbulent river, and behind him was the government army chasing after the victory.For the northern army, this was a godsend opportunity. It could completely annihilate General Lee's troops in one fell swoop, thus ending the civil war very quickly.Lincoln ordered General Midi to strike decisively, telling him not to call an emergency military meeting.

In order to ensure that the order was issued, he not only sent the order by telegram, but also sent special personnel to convey the message to General Midi.The results of it?Instead of following Lincoln's orders, General Midi called an emergency military meeting.He used excuses to delay time and even refused to attack General Li.In the end, General Lee and his army successfully crossed the Potomac River and preserved their strength. When he heard the news, Lincoln flew into a rage—he had never been so angry.Disappointed, he wrote a letter to General Midi.The content of the letter is as follows:

Dear General Midi: I do not believe that you will feel unlucky about General Lee's escape.At that time, he was in front of our eyes, and victory was in front of our eyes.And now, the war is bound to continue.Since you couldn't capture General Lee then, how can you win now that he's south of the Potomac?I don't expect you to be successful, and I don't expect you to do well.This opportunity is too late to come, and I deeply regret it. You can guess what expression General Midi will have when he reads this letter.However, you may be surprised that he never received the letter, because Lincoln didn't send it—it was found in a pile of papers.Did Lincoln forget to post this letter?This is unimaginable.As we all know, this is a very important letter.

Someone recalled the scene at that time: "This is just my guess..." Lincoln thought to himself when he finished writing this letter, "Of course, maybe I'm being impatient. Sitting in the White House, I can certainly see more clearly and be more able to command But, if I were in Gettysburg, all I saw were soldiers crying because of their pain, or thousands of bones, maybe then I would not be in a hurry to attack General Lee! I Must have cringed like General Midi too. Now that it has happened, the only thing to do is to admit it. As for this letter, if I send it, I think besides making myself feel good, There will be no other benefit. On the contrary, it will turn General Meady against me, force him out of the army, or ruin his future. This is something no one wants to see."

So Lincoln put the packed letter aside.Because he believes that the effect of criticism and accusation is equal to zero. President Lincoln's great change from always pointing out the mistakes of others to being so tolerant later set an example for us.He told us from his own personal experience: Never blame others for their mistakes.Socrates warned his disciples repeatedly in Athens: "I only know one thing, and that is that I know nothing." I don't dare to expect to be better than Socrates, so I try to avoid others saying that they are wrong. up.I found it helpful to do so.

I no longer determine anything as easily as I used to. 20 years ago, I almost only believed in the multiplication table. Now, I am beginning to doubt what Einstein said in the book; and 20 years later, I may no longer believe what this book says.In fact, most people can't think logically, they are all guilty of subjective and prejudice.Most people have prejudices, jealousy, suspicion, fear and arrogance, and these defects will affect their judgment. Plato once told people such a method: "When you are teaching others, don't make him find that he is being taught; when you point out things that people don't know, make him feel that it is just a reminder of what he has overlooked for a while. You can't Teach him everything, but only tell him how to deal with this kind of thing.” Chesterfield, a famous British politician in the 19th century, said to his son: “If possible, you should be smarter than others, but never You cannot tell others that you are smarter."

Of course, if a person says something that you think is definitely wrong, and pointing it out will benefit your communication, of course you can point it out.Instead, you should say something like, "Oh, that's how it is. But I have another idea, and of course, I might be wrong—I'm always wrong. If I'm wrong, please feel free to point it out. , let's see what the problem is." What happens if you decide someone is wrong and tell him straight up?Let's look at concrete examples, because examples may be more convincing. Mr. F is a young lawyer in New York who recently participated in the debate of an important case.The case is heard by the U.S. Supreme Court.During the debate, a judge asked Mr. F: "The time limit for prosecution in the Maritime Act is 6 years, isn't it?" Mr. F was a little surprised. He looked at the judge for a while, and then said bluntly: "Judge, there is no provision on the time limit for prosecution in the Maritime Law." People suddenly fell silent, and the temperature in the courtroom seemed to drop to zero. Mr. F was right and the judge was wrong. Mr. F told the judge truthfully.But what was the result?Although the law can serve as Mr. F's back, and his argument is also very good, but he did not convince the judge. Mr. F made a big mistake. He pointed out the mistake of a very learned and prestigious person in public, so he failed.Does he do this to help the settlement of the matter?As it turns out, not at all. It's not easy to change a person's mind, even in mild circumstances, let alone in other situations?When you want to prove something, you don't have to say it out loud.You need to pay attention to some strategies to make the other party accept your point of view unconsciously.You can use words like, "I might be wrong," "I have other ideas," etc., and it really does work wonders.No matter when, no matter where, no one will object to you and say "I may be wrong, let's see what the problem is". Professor James Harvey Robinson wrote the following passage in "The Process of Decision-Making", which is also very enlightening to us. "...we change our beliefs unconsciously. This change is completely subtle and unnoticed. However, once someone corrects this belief, we generally defend it vigorously. Obviously, this is not the case. Not because of the value of the idea itself, but because of our wounded ego... We are always willing to believe what we are used to. When what we believe is doubted, we resent it and try to find all kinds of Reasons justify it. What happens? What we call reason, what we call reasoning, etc., becomes a pretext for maintaining what we are used to." When we hear someone speak, our first reaction is often to judge or evaluate, rather than try to understand the words.When others express a certain opinion, attitude or idea, we always say "good", "too ridiculous", "is it normal", "this is too outrageous" and other commentary words.And we rarely try to understand what the words mean to the speaker.Under such circumstances, is our judgment reliable?Of course not.Since we can't even be sure that we are right, are we still qualified to point fingers at others? In this section, I did not introduce any new ideas.Nearly 2,000 years ago, Jesus had said, "Make peace with your enemies as soon as possible!" And more than 2,000 years before Jesus was born, the ancient Egyptian king Arctos gave his son a shrewd advice: " Be humble and strategic, and you'll win." We seem to understand the same: don't argue with your customer or your husband, don't accuse him of being wrong, don't provoke him, you need to be strategic. So, if you want to be a good talker, please remember the third point: respect the opinions of others, and never accuse others of their mistakes. When you want to argue with someone, think about it: (1) Arguing can only make you lose more than you gain, and it will not bring you more benefits. (2) You can disagree with other people's opinions, but at the same time you have to think about it, others can disagree with your opinions. (3) To judge the right or wrong of others, you don’t have to base your own principles on it. You can try to use other people’s principles, and you can put yourself in their shoes and think about it. (4) Before you point out the faults of others, consider whether it would be beneficial to do so.