Chapter 21 stand on the other side

When you communicate with people, don't keep in mind the mistakes that the other party doesn't care about, and don't blame others, only a fool will do that; but try to understand others, that is a wise, magnanimous, extraordinary person.The reason why the other party thinks and acts that way naturally has his reasons.If you can find that hidden reason, you have the key to understanding their behavior and personality. Try to make yourself honestly put yourself in other people's shoes. If you say to yourself, "If I were in his situation, how would I feel and how would I react?" then you will save yourself a lot of time and unnecessary trouble, because "if you are interested in the cause , we will not be disgusted with the result".And on top of that, you can greatly increase your people skills.

"Pause for a minute," said Kenneth Good in his book How to Ennoble a Man, "pause for a minute and combine your intense interest in your own affairs with your indifference to other things. Compare. Then you will understand that anyone else in the world has the same attitude. Then, like Lincoln and Roosevelt, you will be able to grasp the basis and opportunity of any job other than prison guard. In other words, be human Your success in the world is all about being able to accept other people's points of view with empathy." Sam Douglas of Hampstead, N.Y., used to berate his wife for wasting too much time mowing the family lawn, pulling weeds, fertilizing and cutting flowers.He scolds her for doing it twice a week, but the grass doesn't look any better than it did four years ago.Of course Douglas's remarks displeased his wife very much, so whenever he criticized her in this way, a dark cloud hung over the house for the whole evening.

After attending my tutoring sessions, Mr. Douglas realized the big mistake he had made over the years.It never occurred to him that she would get pleasure from mowing the lawn, and the compliments she would get for it. One night, after dinner, the wife said she was going to weed and wanted Douglas to accompany her.Douglas didn't agree at first, but after thinking about it, he went out with her to help her pull weeds.She seemed very excited and the two of them worked together for over an hour and had a great evening. Since then, Douglas has often accompanied his wife to mow the lawn, and praised his wife, saying that she made the lawn look good, and the dirt in the yard was as smooth as concrete.It turned out to be a joy for both of them because he learned to see things from his wife's point of view.

Gerald Leaud commented in his work "Into the Heart of Others": "When you think that other people's ideas and feelings are as important as your own ideas and feelings, and express this to the other party, you and The conversation of others will be relaxed and happy. At the beginning of the conversation, try to make the other party put forward the purpose or direction of the conversation. If you are a listener, you should restrain yourself from talking casually. If the other party is a listener, you accept His point of view will inspire him to talk openly with you and accept your point of view."

For many years I used to walk and ride horses in the park not far from my home as my chief pastime.Like the missionaries of the ancient Gauls, I am fond of oak trees, and it pains me very much to see young saplings and shrubs destroyed by fire.These fires were not started by careless smokers, they were mostly started by children who had come to the park to live a wild life while cooking and grilling under the trees.Sometimes these fires got so big that the fire brigade had to be called out. In a corner of the park, there is a notice board that reads: "Whoever causes the fire will be fined and imprisoned." But the notice board is placed in a place where few people visit, and few people can see it.Although there is a policeman on horseback patrolling the park, he is not doing his job well.Therefore, the fire often occurs and spreads to the surroundings.Once, I ran to the policeman and told him that there was a fire in the park, and that the fire was spreading rapidly, and that he should call the fire department immediately.But he replied indifferently that it was none of his business because it was not his jurisdiction.I panicked immediately, and since then, whenever I ride to the park, I have formed a "one-man committee" to protect the park's public property.

Initially, I didn't want to understand the child's point of view at all.When I saw a fire under a tree, I was very upset. I was eager to do something good, but I ended up doing something wrong.I always rode over and warned these kids that it would start a fire and be imprisoned.I also ordered them with authority to put out the fire, and threatened to arrest them if they refused.I just let out my anger and ignored their thoughts. The results of it?Although these children obeyed on the surface, the hatred in their hearts was even greater.After I rode over the hills, they probably started the fire again and desperately wanted to burn the whole park down.As the years passed, I learned more about relationships and saw things from the other person's point of view.So instead of giving orders, I will ride up to the fire, and say this:

"Have you had fun, kids? What are you doing for dinner? ... When I was a kid, I loved making fires too - and I still do. But you know, it's very dangerous to start fires in this park. I I know you kids are going to be careful, but the other kids aren't as careful. They come up and see you started a fire, so they start a fire too, and they forget to put it out when they get home, and it ends up in the park spread, and burned the trees. If we're not more careful, we'll burn all the trees here. So, with this fire, you could be in jail. But I don't want to say much, and I won't I hope to interfere with you and spoil your fun. I like to see you living happily, but please move the dead leaves next to you away from the fire immediately, okay? Before you leave, you should carefully use more earth to remove the fire. Cover the fire, won't you? Then there's no danger...Thanks, boys. Have fun."

This statement has had a good effect, the children are very cooperative, they have no resentment, no antipathy.They were not forced to obey any orders, they saved face, they felt acceptable, and I also felt very satisfied, because I considered their ideas first, and then dealt with this matter. When personal problems seem more urgent, being able to see the problem from another person's point of view can also ease the tension to a certain extent.For example, Elizabeth Novak of South Wales, Australia, has not paid the installment payment for her car for 6 weeks, which caused her to encounter some troubles.

"One Friday," Elizabeth said, "a man who paid for the car by installments called me and told me very rudely that if I didn't pay the $122 by the next Monday morning, their company would take further action. Measures. Since it was the weekend, I couldn't raise the money. So, on Monday, I got an angry call from the man early in the morning. But I didn't get mad at him, I was from his standpoint Come to see this matter. First of all, I sincerely apologize to him for causing him so much trouble, and this is not the first time I have overdue payment, so I must have made him difficult. After hearing these words, his tone Immediately calmed down, and said that I was not a customer that caused him headaches. He also cited several examples, saying that some people were even more unreasonable, not only talking nonsense, but also avoiding him.

"I let him express my displeasure without further ado. Then, without my asking, he said that it was all right if I couldn't pay the debt immediately; Pay $20 and pay the balance when it's convenient, and you're good to go." So, before you ask someone to turn off the ignition tomorrow, or ask him to buy a bottle of the "Afta" cleaner you're promoting, or donate $50 to the Red Cross, why don't you just stop, close your eyes, and look at that person from their point of view? Think about the whole thing?Ask yourself, "Why is he doing this?" Of course, it will take a lot of time, but it will allow you to win friends, develop camaraderie, and reduce friction and trouble.

"Before I have a meeting with someone, I would rather walk the aisle outside that person's office for two hours," said Don Hamm, dean of Harvard Business School, "rather than walk into his office rashly. said, and what he--from what I knew of his interests and motives--could have given no clear answer." If you read this book and learn only one thing—to always train yourself to think from the other person’s point of view, to be able to see from the other person’s point of view as well as your own—if you learn from this book Learning this alone in life is enough to turn a new leaf on your life path.If you're going to get someone to agree with you, be honest about seeing things from the other person's point of view.