Chapter 21 sincerely appreciate others

We provide for the lives of our children, our friends, and our employees, but we pay little attention to their self-esteem; and know no language to give them the appreciation which is the albatross of life and will always be stay deep in people's hearts. In this world, there is only one way for anyone to do anything. Have you ever wondered what that way is?This method is to make the specific doer willing to do that thing.Remember, there is no other way.Sure, you can put a pistol to his waist to get a guy to give you his watch; you can threaten to fire him and get an employee to cooperate with you—before you turn your back; you can To make a child do what you want, by whipping or intimidation.But these rude ways will produce extremely bad reactions.

And what I can tell you is that the only way to get others to do anything without complaint is to meet their needs.So, what do people need? One of the most prominent psychologists of the 20th century, Freud of Vienna, said that everything we do comes from two motives: sexual desire and the desire to be great. Professor John Dewey, the most profound philosopher in the United States, has a slightly different wording.Professor Dewey said that the deepest impulse in human nature is "the desire to be important".Remember this sentence: "The desire to be important." This sentence has a special meaning.In this book, you will also see a lot of related content.

What do you need?Maybe not many, just a few things that you wish for - and that you constantly desire to have.Almost every normal adult wants to: 1. Healthy body and continuation of life; 2. Food for survival; 3. Sleep; 4. Money and things that can be bought; Five, longevity; 6. Sexual satisfaction; 7. The happiness of the children; 8. A feeling of being an important person. With one exception, almost all of these needs are easy to satisfy.But there is a desire as deep as food and sleep, but it is difficult to satisfy it like food and sleep. That is what Freud called "the desire to be a great man", which is what Dewey called "the desire to be an important person." .

President Lincoln once said at the beginning of a letter, "Every man wishes to be praised by others."James also said: "In human nature, the deepest nature is the desire to be valued by others." Note that he did not say "wish", "desire" or "hope" here, but "desire" (to get other people's attention), has a more urgent meaning. This is a distressing and urgent human hunger, which can be truly satisfied by few people, and it is this kind of person who can grasp others, even "when he died, even the undertaker Those touting business will also bemoan it."

The "sense of prominence" of getting ahead is one of the most obvious differences between humans and animals.For example, when I was a rural kid in Missouri, my father raised thoroughbred Douro Jesse pigs and Whiteface cattle.We often sell our hogs and cattle at fairs and livestock shows in the Midwest.We have won dozens of first prizes.My father fastened the blue ribbon medallion to a white cloth with a pin, and when friends or guests came to our house, he took out this long ribbon, he held this end, and I held the other end, showing the blue ribbon to the guests. Medal with ribbon.

Actually, the pigs didn't care what medal they got.But my father cared, because the medal gave him a sense of "significance." If our ancestors did not have a strong desire for this sense of prominence, then human civilization would not be possible.Without civilization, we would be no different from animals. It is this desire to feel important that makes an uneducated, impoverished grocer study some jurisprudence that he bought for 50 cents and found in a barrel under a pile of groceries. book.You may have heard of this grocer, his name is Lincoln. It is the desire to pursue important characters that drives Dickens to complete his immortal novels.This desire inspired Sir Christopher Wren to design his products.This desire allowed Rockefeller to accumulate more money than he could spend in a lifetime.And this same desire has caused the rich men of your cities to build huge and luxurious villas, which are of little use to them.

It's this inner urge that drives you to wear the latest clothes, drive the latest car, and talk about how smart your children are. It is also this desire that lures many youngsters into bandits. "Today's young offender," said former New York City Police Commissioner Moore Rooney, "is full of ego. Their first request after arrest is nothing but that appalling article that made him a 'hero'." ’ reports. They just want to see their picture in the newspaper alongside pictures of famous athletes, movie and TV stars and politicians, and the discomfort of serving a prison sentence doesn’t seem like a big deal to him.”

If you tell me how you came to prominence, I can tell you who you are--that will define your character, because it is the most significant thing about you.For example, "Oil King" Rockefeller funded the construction of a new hospital in Beijing, China, to treat millions of poor people he had never seen, and would never see, in order to gain his sense of importance.Instead, Dillinger gets his VIP feel by being a robber robbing banks and killing people.When the police were chasing him, he broke into the home of a Minnesota farmer and said, "I'm Dillinger!" He took great pride in being Public Enemy Number One.He said, "I won't hurt you, but I'm Dillinger!"

Yes, the most fundamental difference between Dillinger and Rockefeller lies in the different means by which they gain prominence.Historically, there have been a lot of really funny things some celebrities have done to gain prominence.For example, Washington also likes to be called the "supreme President of the United States"; Columbus did not hesitate to travel far and wide to get the title of "Admiral and Governor of India"; Queen Catherine simply refused to open those who did not call her "Her Majesty". and Mrs. Lincoln once raged at General Grant's wife like a tigress in the White House, saying: "How dare you sit down in front of me before I ask you to sit down!"

When the millionaires sponsored Admiral Beyer's expedition to the South Pole, he attached a condition that the snow-capped mountains would be named after them.Hugo even wanted to change Paris into his name, and a smaller city couldn't satisfy him at all.Even Mr. Shakespeare, the "celebrity among celebrities", tried every means to obtain a coat of arms symbolizing nobility for his family in order to honor his ancestors, so as to show his reputation. People also sometimes feign illness to gain sympathy and attention, in order to get the feeling of being important.For example, the wife of President McKinley once forced her husband, who is the president of the United States, to put down important national affairs in his hands, leaning against her bed and holding her in his arms, comforting her to fall asleep, and each time lasted for several hours, in this way To satisfy her sense of prominence.She satisfies her deep desire for attention by insisting that her husband be with her while she has her teeth fixed.She lost her temper once when the President had to leave her alone at the dentist because of an important business meeting between the President and Secretary of State John Hale.

Reinhardt also once told me about a bright and vivacious young woman who suddenly feigned illness in order to gain a sense of prominence.Mrs Linehart said: "One day, this person will have to face the reality that as she gets older, she will fade away and never marry. Her future will be a desolate and Lonely, she has no hope. For 10 years, she has been lying on her bed like that, and her elderly mother climbed up and down the stairs with difficulty, serving her with tea and water. Finally one day, This old and poor mother died from overwork and illness. After a few weeks of grief, this feigned woman had to get up, dress and start living again." Some experts believe that people may actually go crazy in order to gain a sense of prominence in their delusional dreams that they don't get in the harsh real world.There are more mentally ill patients in American hospitals than all other patients combined.If you are over 15 and live in New York, there is a 21 percent chance that you will spend seven years in an asylum in your lifetime. Why does a person go insane? No one can answer such general questions.However, we know that some diseases, such as syphilis, destroy and destroy brain cells, which can cause madness.In fact, about half of all mental illnesses are caused by physical causes, such as brain injury, drunkenness, poisoning, and physical trauma.But the other half—and this is disconcerting—there is no apparent ailment in the brain cells or other organisms of those who suffer from insanity.In the postmortem autopsies of these people, even with the highest power microscope to examine their brain nerves, it is difficult to find out what is wrong. Their brain nerves are as sound as ours. So why are these people crazy? I recently asked this question to the chief physician of an insane asylum.He has studied the knowledge of madness very well, and has won the highest honor and the most extraordinary medal.He told me frankly that he didn't know why anyone went crazy, no one really knew.But he said that many crazy people found in the asylum the feeling of being important that they couldn't get in the real world. "I have a patient right now whose marriage is a tragedy. She wanted love and sexual fulfillment, children and status in society, but life destroyed her hopes for all of that. Her husband didn't love her. He even refused to eat at her table and forced her to bring him food upstairs to his room. And she had no children and no social status, so she went crazy. And in her imagination, she Divorced from her husband and reverting to her original surname, she now believes she is married to an English nobleman and insists on being called Mrs Smith. "As for the children, every night she fantasizes about having a new baby. Whenever I visit her, she's like: 'Doctor, I had a baby last night.'" The cruel reality once made all the beautiful dreams in this woman's life come to naught. However, in a state of madness, on the side of the beautiful island full of bright sunshine in her imagination, she realized her dream, and all her ships of hope came true. Sail into the harbor, let the wind and rain beat without shaking. Do you think this is a tragedy?Well, I don't know.But her doctor said to me: "Even if I could cure her of madness, I would not do that. She is quite happy now." On the whole, those who are insane are happier than us normal people, and many people are even more willing to play crazy for fun.Why can't they?You see, in this way, they have transcended the real world.They can write you a check for a million dollars, or write you a letter of introduction to meet the Mohammedan king Yaga Khan—in short, they have found the kind of important person they crave in the dream world they created a feeling of. Just imagine, if someone is so eager for a sense of prominence that he even becomes a lunatic for it, then what miracle will be created if we give him sincere approval before he is insane? As far as I know, there are only two people who have ever received a million-dollar annual salary, and these two people are Chrysler and Scoble. Why did "Steel King" Andrew Carnegie pay Scooper $1 million a year?That is, a salary of more than 3,000 US dollars a day? Is the reason why Carnegie pays Scooper $1 million a year because Scooper is a genius? No.Or was it because he knew more about steelmaking than anyone else?Nor is it.Scooper himself told me that many of the people who worked under him knew more about it than he did. Scooper said that the reason why he can get such a high salary is mainly because of his excellent ability to deal with people.I asked him how he got along with people, and he gave his own secrets—words that, I think, should be engraved on immortal bronze plaques that hang in every home, school, store, and office across the country; It would be better to memorize words that every child should memorize than to waste their time memorizing the conjugations of Latin verbs or the annual rainfall in Brazil.These words will change your life and mine, if we can actually put them into practice. "I think the greatest capital I have," said Scoble, "is my ability to arouse and stimulate the enthusiasm of employees. And the way to give full play to a person's talents is to appreciate and encourage. "In this world, the boss's criticism is the easiest to stifle a person's ambition. I never criticize anyone. I think people should be motivated in work. Therefore, I am more willing to praise, and hate to criticize and find fault. If I say If I like something, it is that I am 'sincere in praise, lenient in praise'." That's what Scooper does.But how do ordinary people do it?Contrary to Scooper, if he doesn't like doing something, he'll find fault with it, and if he really likes it, he'll keep his mouth shut as if it were perfect Same. "I've met a lot of great people all over the world, and I've met a lot of great people in my life," said Scooper, "and I haven't found a single person—no matter how great or how lofty he may be—who didn't do it with approval. , perform better and work harder than if you were criticized.” This, he says frankly, is one of the special reasons for Andrew Carnegie's astonishing achievement.Carnegie praised his employees both in public and in private. Carnegie even had to praise his employees on his tombstone.He wrote this inscription for himself: "Here lies a man who knew how to get along with subordinates who were wiser than himself." Sincere praise is also the secret of "Oil King" Rockefeller's success in dealing with people.For example, Rockefeller could have lashed out at his partner, Edward Bedford, when he mishandled a major deal in South America and cost the firm millions, but he Knowing that Bedford had done the best he could--and this was the end of the matter.So Rockefeller found some words of praise, and he congratulated Bedford for saving 60 percent of his investment. "Great," said Rockefeller, "we can't do everything right." The owner of Broadway's most prestigious song and dance troupe, Chicoffey, is very famous, because he can make an unknown American woman famous all over the world overnight and enjoy a high reputation. A very outstanding woman, after his training, can always magically become a charming and famous actor on the stage.He knew the great value of admiration and self-confidence, and he would always use that earnest attention and considerate care to convince women of their own beauty.Not only was he very realistic, increasing the salaries of those showgirls from $30 to $175 a week; Beautiful and charming roses are presented to every dancer who performs. I remember that once I fell in love with the popular dieting trend at that time, and I didn't eat anything for 6 days and 6 nights.But there is nothing difficult about it.Especially at the end of the sixth day, I was not as hungry as I was on the second day.But I know, and you know, that if someone forces their family or employees to go without food for 6 days then it is committing a crime, however if 6 days or 6 weeks or 60 years goes without any appreciation then it is a crime Isn't that a crime? When Alfred played the leading role in the play "Vienna Reunion", he said: "The thing I need most is the maintenance of my self-esteem." We feed our children, our friends, our employees, but we pay little attention to their self-esteem; we feed them steaks and potatoes to give them strength, but we know no language to give them appreciation, And this is precisely the morning song in life, which will always be remembered in the depths of people's hearts. Some readers, reading these words, may say: "There's nothing new about this! Flattery! Flattery! I've tried that and it doesn't work at all--it doesn't have any effect on a man of knowledge. .” Of course, flattery cannot fool those who are self-aware, and is superficial, selfish, and hypocritical.It should fail, and it does fail often.Some people, however, are so hungry for appreciation from others that they will accept anything, like a starving person to the point of starving. For example, why do the Diiffany brothers, who have been married many times, have such smooth sailing in the marriage market?Why are these two "playboys" able to marry two famous and beautiful movie stars: a world-famous leading female singer, and Barbara Horton, who is worth millions of gold dollars?Why?How did they do it? "The allure of the Deiffany brothers to women," said Adira Rogier St. John in an article in Liberty, "...has been a mystery to many for a long time. Bo La Nigni, a well-informed woman, a connoisseur of men, and a great artist, once explained to me. She said: 'They know more about flattery than any man I have ever met. .And flattery, in this practical and heartless age, is almost a forgotten thing. This, I can assure you, is the secret of the Deiffany brothers' attraction to women.'" Even Queen Victoria loved being complimented.Delerry admitted that he often used compliments in front of the Queen.To quote himself, he said he was "brazenly flattering".But it is true that Dellaiser was one of the most experienced, skilful, and refined of all men who ever ruled the vast British Empire.He's a genius in that line of work.What works for him may not work for us.Compliments can do you more harm than good.A compliment is an illusion, like counterfeit money, and if you use it, it will end up getting you in trouble. So, how do we distinguish between praise and compliment?it's actually really easy.One is sincere and the other is false; one is from the heart and the other is only lip service; one is without the slightest selfish purpose and the other is for personal gain; the one will be loved by all Admiration, and the other will only be cast aside by the world. Regarding the definition of flattery, I once read this sentence, and I think it is worth mentioning: "A compliment to others is just a tactful expression of praise for yourself." Emerson said: "No matter what words you use, What you say is ultimately a reflection of yourself." I recently saw a bust of General Obergen at the Chapultepec Palace in Mexico City.Underneath the statue are engraved words of wisdom from General O'Bergen's philosophy: "Don't be afraid of your enemies who attack you, but beware of your friends who flatter you." King George V of England displays a set of six maxims on the wall of his study at Buckingham Palace.One of the lines reads: "Teach me how not to flatter and take cheap compliments." Compliments are just cheap compliments.In no way am I trying to advocate flattery here!Absolutely not.I'm just talking about a new way of life.Let me repeat, I'm just talking about a new way of life. If compliments alone did the trick, everyone would be racing to learn the art of flattery, and we'd all become relationship experts. In real life, we spend 95% of our time thinking about personal things.Now, if we think not of ourselves for a moment, but of the good in others, then we will not, and need not, produce those cheap and unsaid false compliments. "Every man I meet," said Emerson, "is better than I am in some way. In these ways I should learn from them." If Emerson is like this, then it is not true for you and me. Should it be done this way?Let's stop thinking about what we've achieved, and what we want.We try to find the good in others and ditch the compliments.Give others honest and genuine appreciation. "Be more sincere than praise" and people will chew on your compliments, treasure them, and repeat them all their lives—and when you've forgotten them, they're still repeating them.