Chapter 7 the power of compassion

Compassion has great power.Most people crave sympathy.Give them sympathy and you will have their love. There is such a passage, which has a magical effect, can avoid disputes, get rid of bad impressions, create a good atmosphere, and make others listen carefully.This passage is: "I totally understand how you feel. If I were you, I would definitely feel the same way." Most of the people you meet crave sympathy.Sympathize with them and you will gain their love. I once gave a speech on the radio about Louisa May Alcott, the author of "Little Women."I knew she lived in Concord, Massachusetts, and that it was there that her immortal book was written.But it never occurred to me to say that I had visited her former home in Concord, New Hampshire.It would be fine if I said it once, my God, I said it twice!As a result, countless letters and telegrams flooded into my office like wasps, and I was unprepared to deal with it non-stop.Most were expressing anger, and of course some were insulting me.There was a lady named Calonia Damme who lived in Philadelphia, Concord, Massachusetts, where she happened to grow up, and she brutally took out all her anger on me.I don't think Miss Alcott would be any more pissed if I said she was a cannibal from New Guinea, because she couldn't be any more pissed.I read her letter and said to myself: "Oh, God, I am lucky that I didn't marry this woman." I really wanted to write a letter to repay her, because this geographical mistake I made is really not as good as she was in correcting her. Mistakes in human etiquette.But I didn't do that, I controlled myself.I know I'd be a reckless fool if I did that.

I have to be better than a fool.So I decided to try turning an enemy into a friend.Obviously, this is a challenge, but also a game.I told myself, "Yes, I might feel the same way if I were her." So I decided to accept her point of view.I called the lady the next time I was in Philadelphia.Here's part of our conversation: Me: "Mrs. So-and-so, you wrote me a letter a few weeks ago and I want to express my thanks to you." She (in a very polite tone): "It's an honor to speak with you. Who are you?" Me: "You haven't met me, my name is Dale Carnegie. You listened to my radio commentary on Louisa May Alcott once a few weeks ago. I made an unforgivable mistake, Said she lived in Concord, New Hampshire. It was a very stupid mistake, and I apologize for it. You were a very kind person to take the time to write me to correct it."

She: "Mr. Carnegie, I wrote that letter. I'm very sorry. I was impulsive. I must apologize to you." Me: "No! It's me who should apologize, not you. Even a schoolboy wouldn't make the mistake I made. I apologized on the radio the following Sunday after that comment, and now, I I want to apologize to you personally." She: "I was born in Concord, Massachusetts. For more than 200 years, people in my family have been involved in major events in Massachusetts. It is a proud hometown. So, when I heard you say that New Hampshire is I was devastated when I visited Miss Alcott's birthplace. However, I am sorry that I wrote that letter."

Me: "I think I'm 10 times as sad as you are. My mistake didn't cost Massachusetts anything, but it made me very sad. It's rare for someone of your stature and cultural background to give radio If you find me wrong on the radio again, I hope you will write again to correct me." Her: "You know what? I'm so glad you accepted my criticism. You're such a nice guy. I'd love to be your friend." So, because I apologized to her and accepted her point of view, she apologized to me and accepted my point of view.I was satisfied because I stopped my anger and responded to the insult with understanding and kindness.I have made such a change in her attitude towards me, and I am very satisfied.If I had fought back with fire, this wouldn't have happened.

Every president of the United States has faced the question of how to treat others almost every day.President Taft was one of them, but he knew from experience how powerful "compassion" can be.In his book "The Ethics of Service," Tufte cites an incident detailing how he calmed an ambitious mother from the rage of disappointment. Tufte wrote: "A lady living in Washington, whose husband was a man of some political influence, came to me and begged me to give his son a job, and thus pestered me for more than six Week, and many Senators and Representatives also supported her, met with her and vouched for her. However, the work of this position requires people with corresponding professional skills, so on the recommendation of the Director of the Bureau, I appointed someone else. Then the mother wrote me a letter saying that I was the worst person in the world because my behavior deprived her of happiness when I could have done it so easily. She also Said she had consulted with her state representative to vote against an administrative bill that I was particularly interested in, which she said was revenge on me.

“When you get a letter like that, you immediately think, what an unreasonable and rude person, and then you probably write her back right away. But it’s wise to lock the letter in the Drawer, wait two days. This kind of thing, usually wait two days before replying. And after two days, when you take out the letter again, you don’t want to send it again. That’s what I did. So I sat down , writing to her in as polite a tone as possible, I told her that I knew very well that a mother must be very disappointed in such circumstances, but that I cannot appoint a man according to my personal feelings, I A person with the appropriate skills and experience must be selected, so I must accept the director's recommendation. And, I further stated that I hope her son can achieve her expectations of him in his current position. This calmed her Annoyed, she apologized in a note to me for what she had written to me last time.

"However, the appointment I signed was not immediately approved, and after some time I received a letter claiming to be her husband, but I saw that the handwriting of this letter was almost exactly the same as the previous one. The letter said that because of the shock she received from this incident, she suffered from a nervous breakdown, was too sick to get out of bed, and developed into the most serious form of stomach cancer. The letter asked me if I could not revoke the previous appointment and reappoint her to make her sick? So I had to write another letter to her husband. I said in the letter, I hope that diagnosis is wrong, I am very sympathetic, he must be responsible for his wife's serious illness And very sad, but it is impossible for me to rescind the appointment that I signed. My appointment to the position was finally approved, and two days after I received that letter, I gave a concert at the White House. At the concert, The couple were the first to greet Mrs. Taft and me, even though the lady nearly 'died of illness' these days."

Jay Monger is a sales manager for an elevator company in Tusa, Oklahoma.The company had a contract with one of the best hotels in Tulsa to repair the hotel's elevators.For the convenience of the tenants, the hotel manager only allows two hours for each repair.But the repairs took at least eight hours to complete, and when the hotel's elevator was out of service, his company's best skilled workers might not arrive in time. When the company's best-skilled maintenance man became available, Monger called the hotel's manager.Instead of arguing with the manager, he put it this way:

"Rick, I understand that your hotel has a lot of guests, and you should try to avoid the elevator stopping for too long. I know you take this very seriously, and we will try our best to cooperate with you in this matter. However, by After the inspection of your elevator, we are sure that if the elevator is not completely repaired now, the elevator will suffer more serious damage, which will cause the elevator to stop more often. I don't think you would like to cause more trouble to your guests .” So the hotel manager agreed to stop the elevator for 8 hours for a thorough repair.Because Munger expressed his understanding of the hotel manager's desire to take care of the guests, Munger easily got the manager to agree to his request.

St. Louis, Missouri, piano teacher Caine Norris describes how she confronted and dealt with a problem that often arises among piano teachers and teenage girls.Betty's nails were very long, but such long nails would prevent her from playing the piano well. Norris said: "I knew her long nails would hinder her desire to play the piano well. But when we chatted before I started teaching her to play, I didn't mention her nails at all. I didn't want to discourage her from learning the piano. Passionate, I also understand that she cares about her nails and spends a lot of time on them to make it look attractive.

"After the first lesson, I thought it was time, and I said to her: 'Betty, you have beautiful hands and nails. I also know you really want to play the piano well. If you could trim your nails a little bit, You will find it much easier to play the piano well. I understand that you are a little bit reluctant, how about you think about it?" She made a face and said that she couldn't cut her nails short, and I asked her too The mother talked about the situation, and the question of her beautiful nails was answered in the negative again. It was evident that Betty took good care of her beautiful nails and valued them very much. "When Betty came to her second class the next week, to my surprise, her nails had gotten shorter. I complimented Betty and went to thank her mother for the influence. Her mother replied that she hadn't What to say about her is Betty's own decision, and said that this is the first time she has cut her nails because of someone else." Norris did not threaten Betty, nor did she say that she would not teach her because of it.She told Betty she had beautiful nails and said it would be a sacrifice for Betty to keep them short.It's as if she's hinting, "I have a lot of sympathy for you. I know it's going to be hard for you to decide to get your nails shorter, but you'll get a lot more out of playing the piano." S. Hullock is one of the best managers in the American music circle.For more than 20 years, he has had deep associations with major artists such as Charlie Abine, Isabella Duncan, and Buffalo.Hurock told me that the first thing you need to deal with these grumpy stars is sympathy, especially in the face of their ridiculous eccentricity. For three years he was manager of Charlie Abine, one of the best basses ever to sing at the Metropolitan Opera.However, he was very uneasy.He acts like a spoiled child a lot of the time.Mr. Hurock had this to say about him: "This guy is a headache in every way." For example, at noon one day at a Charlemagne concert, he called Mr. Hurock and said, "Mr. Can't play anymore." Mr. Hurock didn't argue with him right away, knowing that as a manager he couldn't do that to his entertainers.Hulok immediately rushed to Charlie Apin's hotel, and said to him in a sad and sympathetic tone: "It's too bad, my dear friend. Yes, you can't sing on stage, and I will immediately cancel the show." Concerts. You’re throwing a thousand or two dollars, and it’s nothing because keeping your reputation safe is the most important thing.” After listening to these words, Charlie Yabin sighed and said: "I think it's best for you to come back in the evening and have a look again at five o'clock. Maybe I'll be better." Hulok returned to his hotel at 5 o'clock in the afternoon, still facing him with sympathy.He said he couldn't sing again, and sighed again, "Perhaps you'd better come back and see later, and I might feel better then." This awesome bass finally agreed to sing at 7:30.He got Mr. Hurlock to promise to announce to the audience before the performance began that Charlie Abin had a bad cold and a very bad throat.Mr. Hulock agreed to him immediately, because he knew that only in this way could this very good bassist sing. Dr. Gates said in his famous book "Educational Psychology": "Everyone craves sympathy. A child is eager to show his wounds to others, and even makes small wounds bigger on purpose, just for the sake of sympathy. Get more sympathy. Similarly, adults show their scars for this, telling details of their accidents, illnesses, especially passive operations. In a way, self-pity for misfortune that happened or imagined , exists in all people.”