Chapter 3 avoid making enemies

Admitting that you may be mistaken can avoid an argument and make the other person as tolerant as you are of admitting that he, too, might be mistaken. When Theodore Roosevelt first became President of the United States, he said that he expected his decision-making rate to be correct 75% of the time.This is also true of great men of the century like Roosevelt, so what about us?If you have a 55% correct rate, you can make $1 million a day in the Wall Street stock market; if you don't, don't be sure that others are wrong. No matter how you blame the other person: a look, a tone of voice, a gesture, or simply saying that he is wrong, the consequences are the same.He will never agree with you, he feels that his intelligence, judgment, pride and self-esteem have been hit by you, so he will fight back instead of changing his opinion.Even if you use the philosophical logic of Plato or Kant, it is useless, because you have hurt him.

Never start by saying, "Okay, here's my proof." It's a huge mistake to say, "I'm smarter than you. I'm going to make you understand something, and I'm going to make you change your mind.” This is a challenging gesture.This creates an argument, and before you can continue, the other party is ready to fight back.It is not easy to change someone's mind, even in the mildest way.It will only be more difficult with the above method.If you're going to prove something, use the techniques in place.Teach others in a way that does not seem to be teaching, and makes the other person feel that his mistakes and ignorance are just that he has forgotten or ignored it.The Italian astronomer Galileo said 300 years ago: "You can't teach a man anything, you can only help him learn it himself." The 19th-century British statesman Sir Chadfield told his son : "If possible, you should be smarter than others, but don't show that you are smarter than others in front of them."

Socrates often told his disciples in Athens: "I know only one thing, and that is that I know nothing." I can't expect myself to be better than Socrates, so I don't point out the mistakes of others directly.As a result, I benefit from it. When you hear someone say something that you think is wrong, it may be better to say to him: "Oh, yes! I have another opinion, but I may be wrong. I am often wrong. If I'm wrong, I hope it can be corrected. Let's talk about it." Saying something like, "I could be wrong. I'm wrong a lot. Let's talk about it." will work much better.Because, no matter what the situation, no one is going to resent you saying, "I could be wrong. Let's talk about it."

One of our classes was a student named Halder Link, who was a Dodge dealer in Billings, Montana.He used this principle. Because of the intense competitive pressure in the car sales industry, he often faced customer complaints indifferently and had conflicts.This affected his business. He said in class: "When I found out that the situation was not good, I started to try another way. I said to the customer like this: 'I'm very sorry, we really made a lot of mistakes. We may have something wrong with your car. place, please report to us.' This will make the customer less tough. After he calms down, he can communicate with each other rationally, which will make it easier to solve the problem. Many customers still understand me Thank you for their attitude, and two of them also suggested their friends to buy a new car. We need such customers more in this competitive business field. I believe in respecting all opinions of customers and adopting a flexible and courteous way to Dealing with the problem will contribute to success.”

You save a lot of trouble by admitting that you might be wrong.This will not only avoid disputes, but also allow the other party to be as understanding and tolerant as you are, admitting that he may also make a mistake. What would happen if you were sure someone was wrong and told him directly?Here's an example: Schmidt, a young lawyer in New York, was recently on the Supreme Court, arguing an important case.The case involved an important legal issue and a lot of money. In court, a Supreme Court judge asked Schmidt: "The time limit for admiralty law is six years, right?" Schmidt stopped there and looked at the judge for a while, and then said directly: "Judge, there is no such thing as admiralty law." Deadline for prosecution."

Schmidt later recalled in class: "Suddenly the court fell silent, and the air seemed to freeze. In fact, I was right, the judge was wrong, and I told him the truth. I still believe that the law supports me. On the one hand, my statement was much more exciting than before. But I did not get the judge's favor because I pointed out in front of everyone that a very famous and educated person was wrong. I also made a big mistake." Not many people have strict logic in their thinking.Most of us have problems with our own judgments and prejudices.Stubbornness, jealousy, suspicion, fear, and arrogance are the hallmarks of many of us.So, if you really want to point out other people's mistakes, please read the following passage every day.Here is an excerpt from The Process of Making a Decision by Professor James Harvey Robinson:

Sometimes we change our minds in an atmosphere of tolerance, understanding, and warmth.But if someone directly points out that we are wrong, we get angry and more stubborn.Some of our ideas may be unfounded, but if someone opposes our idea, we will defend it with all our strength.At this time, what we are trying to maintain is not only our ideas, but also our self-esteem. "My" (MY) is a simple word that requires special attention in dealing with people, but it requires wisdom to use it well.It is equally valid to say "my" dinner, "my" dog, "my" house, "my" father, "my" country, or "my" God.Not only do we dislike being told that my watch is inaccurate, or that my car is too broken, but we also resent being pointed out that our knowledge of trains, the efficacy of penicillin, or the dates of the birth and death of King Shagang I of Assyria are wrong.

We are conditioned to believe what we have believed before.If anyone doubts what we believe, we try to defend it as best we can, using reasoning and proof against our will as an excuse for continuing to believe it. The famous psychologist Carl Rogers wrote in his book "How to Be Human": "I have found that it is very valuable to try to understand other people. You may wonder if I say this. Is it necessary? I think so. When we listen to others, we are mainly concerned with the similarities and differences in opinions and attitudes between others and us, rather than the language itself. When others talk about a certain feeling, attitude or opinion, we almost Immediate judgment: 'That's a good point', or 'It's ridiculous', 'Is this normal', 'It's unreasonable', 'This is wrong', 'This is not good', etc. We rarely understand, these what words really mean to others.”

I once had an interior designer do the curtains for my house.But when it came time to check out, I was almost stunned. Obviously, the charge was too high. A friend came to my house a few days later and saw those curtains.She inquired about the price, and then said somewhat triumphantly, "What? That's outrageous. I think he took advantage of you." Is that right?True, she was right, but no one wants to hear truth told that hurts one's own judgment.So, instinctively, I started to defend myself.I say that you get what you pay for, especially that artistic taste cannot be bought at a cheap price.

Another friend came to see me the next day.After seeing the curtains, she was full of praise and said she wished she could afford such beautiful curtains in her home.I had a completely different reaction and I said, "Honestly, I kind of regret it, I think it's too expensive." When we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves.And if the other person treats the matter very skillfully and kindly, we may admit it to him, and even rejoice in our own confession.But if someone wants to grab us... During the American Civil War, Harris Kingrley, as the most famous reporter of his time, lashed out at Lincoln's policies.He wanted to use polemics, satire, and even insults to get Lincoln to agree with him.He started attacking Lincoln incessantly.On the night of Lincoln's assassination, Kim Riley also published a sharp, crude article attacking Lincoln.

Did those fierce attacks make Lincoln agree with King Riley?Not at all.Sarcasm and name-calling never work well. If you want some ideal advice on how to behave, control yourself, and improve your character, you can read the autobiography of Benjamin Franklin, an American classic, which is very attractive and persuasive. In this book, Franklin tells how he overcame his argumentative shortcomings and became the most practical, friendly, and tactful diplomat in American history. When Franklin was a rash young man, an old Quaker friend took him aside one day and gave him a stern reprimand: "Ben, you are outrageous. You have hurt everyone and everyone." You have people who disagree. You are too prominent and your attitude is unacceptable. Your friends feel that they are more comfortable if you are not there. You are too much, no one can Teach you anything; no one is going to tell you anything, because it would be a waste of effort and annoy you. You won't learn anything new if you keep going on like this." Franklin learned that painful lesson.He has grown wise and mature, and he realizes that his relationships are failing.So he gave up his rough and haughty habits at once. Franklin said: "I made a rule: Don't disagree directly with other people's opinions in person, and don't be too assertive. I don't even allow myself to be too sure in words or language. I no longer use 'of course', 'nothing. Instead of words such as question', use words such as 'I think', 'I assume', or 'I imagine'. When someone says something that I disagree with, I don't immediately disagree with him. I say in In some cases, his opinion is right, but now I have a slightly different opinion, please discuss it. "Soon, the change in my attitude took effect, and the atmosphere of the conversation became harmonious. My humble attitude was easily accepted by everyone, and the disputes were reduced. Embarrassing; when I'm right, it's easier to get everyone's approval. "When I first started using these methods, I always felt that it was not in line with my personality, but gradually it became my habit. For 50 years, no one has heard me say anything too arbitrary. Before I propose new or modified This habit earned me respect when writing old bills. It also gave me more influence in the Continental Congress. Although my words, debates were not quick and strong, and I sometimes made mistakes, my opinions were still obtained. broad support." Below are a few examples of Franklin's approach being used in the business world. Katherine Alfred of Kingmonton, North Carolina, is a production director at a spinning mill.She described how she addressed a sensitive issue before and after her training. She said: "Part of my job is to formulate various methods and standards to motivate employees to increase production and quality, so that they can get better remuneration. We only produce two or three different yarns. At that time, the method we used was quite effective, but when the types of our yarns increased to more than 12 recently, the original method was not suitable. Because, at this time, the original method and standard can no longer be used Employees are paid according to the quality of their work, so it doesn't motivate them to be productive. "I designed a new plan to ensure that every worker will get a reasonable remuneration for any type of yarn produced during any working hours. In a meeting, I submitted my new plan to The high-level staff who participated in the meeting; and gave them a detailed analysis to prove the benefits of the new plan and the mistakes of the old method; and pointed out that the treatment given to workers in the past was unreasonable in some places, and put forward my corresponding Solution. However, my efforts were wasted. Because I was too eager to implement the new plan, I did not use the tone of discussion, and the criticism of the original method made them lose face, so my new plan was not passed at the meeting . "After taking a few training sessions, I understood the mistake I was making. I requested another meeting where I first asked them to share their views on the issue and then for each point, Everyone analyzed and discussed one by one, and asked them to come up with the best solution. I seized the right moment and used low-key suggestions to guide them to propose the method according to my intention. When the meeting ended, the method they put forward was in full swing. It was my new plan, and they enthusiastically approved of it at this time. "I am now convinced that if you point out a man's faults, not only will you not get good results, but you will cause a lot of trouble. You are hurting his self-esteem by accusing others, and you are setting yourself up against him. " Mahani's New York-based distributor specializes in specialty tools used by oil workers.He took an order from an important customer in Long Island.After the design blueprint of the tool is approved by the above, the production starts.Then a bad thing happened. The client talked about it with friends.They all admonished him that he had made a big mistake, that he had been lied to.Everything was wrong, the size of the tool, the quality, the price, it was either too this or too that.The customer was so annoyed by what his friends said that he called Mahaney and vowed never to accept the tools that were already in production. Mehani later said: "After careful inspection, I confirmed that there is no problem with our supplier. I know that he and his friends are all unfounded nonsense. But if I just tell him that, it will be really troublesome. I went to talk to him in Long Island, and as soon as I entered his office, he immediately jumped up from his chair and strode towards me, talking fast and pumping his fists very excitedly. He kept berating me and my product, and finally said: 'Okay, what do you think?' "I told him very calmly that I was willing to do what he wanted. I said, 'You are the buyer who pays and you deserve what you are satisfied with, but find out what the problem is. If you are willing to continue If you cooperate, please give me another accurate blueprint of the tool design. Although the original one has already cost 2,000 US dollars, we are willing to bear the loss in order to satisfy you. But I have to warn you first, if you insist on breaking the contract , the corresponding losses and responsibilities must be borne by you. I think fulfilling the contract between us is the best solution. I can assure you that we will deliver the goods you are satisfied with. Please believe me.' "That's when he calmed down and finally said: 'Okay, as contracted, God forbid, don't really go wrong.' "There was nothing wrong with it, so he decided to order two more similar shipments from me. "When the customer waved his fist in front of me and attacked me and my products, I used extremely high restraint to keep myself from arguing with him. In the end, my restraint paid me off. And if I directly pointed out that he was wrong, and if I had a dispute with him, I would probably go to court, which would hurt my peace, not to mention the financial loss, and even lose an important client. Therefore, I am sure that directly pointing out that others are wrong is not worth the candle of." Give another example.Callore was a salesman for the Taylor Lumber Company in New York.For many years he was relentless in pointing out the mistakes of the lumber inspectors.He won some arguments, but got nothing."Those inspectors, like baseball umpires, once they make a decision, they never change it," Callore said. Callore knew that although he took advantage of the bickering, he caused the company to suffer huge financial losses.So, after he attended my training class, he decided not to just talk fast, but to use technique.Here is his report in class: "One morning, the phone in my office rang. An angry customer complained that the truckload of timber we shipped was completely different from their specifications. They stopped unloading and asked us to take care of it immediately. The lumber came in. Once a quarter of a load of lumber had been unloaded, their lumber inspector reported that more than half of the lumber was substandard and they were returning it. "I immediately got up and went to the client's factory. On the way, I was looking for the best way to solve the problem. Originally in that situation, I would use my experience and knowledge, quote the lumber grade rules, and tell their inspectors , our batch of lumber was perfectly acceptable. However, I decided to give it a try using the principles I learned in training. "When I arrived at the factory, I found that the director of purchasing and the inspector were sullen, looking like they were waiting to quarrel. I came to the truck and told them to continue unloading and let me take a look at the specific condition of the wood. During the unloading process , I asked the inspector to pick out the unqualified wood and put it aside separately. "After watching it for a while, I realized that the inspector was not only inspecting too strictly, but also confused the inspection rules. The lumber was white pine. I am almost an expert on white pine. But I did not immediately question the inspector's assessment of white pine. I watched calmly and asked him gently where certain woods were not up to standard. It didn't mean he checked wrong. I said I was asking him for advice, because I hope that the wood sent in the future will meet their company's specifications. "This very friendly and cooperative approach to asking him for advice, and being very cooperative in asking him to pick out the unsatisfactory wood, cheered up the inspector, and the mutual tension began to subside. Occasionally I was careful to mention that some of the lumber he found unacceptable might be acceptable and worth their price, but I was very careful not to make him feel like I was trying to find fault with him. "Gradually his whole demeanor changed. Finally he confessed frankly that he was not good with white pine, and asked me about the white pine boards that had been removed from the car. I told him gently that they were It meets the inspection specifications and provides a good reason. If he still thinks it is unqualified, I say it’s okay, I can take it back. Finally, when he picks out the wood that he thinks is unqualified, he will feel embarrassed himself Get up. He also understood the problem: they didn't figure out what grade of wood they needed. "And then, after I was gone, he re-examined the lumber that was picked out and accepted it all, so I got a check for the full amount. "As far as this matter is concerned, using some skills and trying not to point out other people's mistakes can save our company a lot of money; and establishing a good relationship with customers is not something that can be measured by this amount of money. .” Someone asked the black civil rights leader Martin Luther King why he admired General Daniel James, the highest-ranking black military officer in the United States at that time.He replied, "I judge by their own principles, not mine." Likewise, during the American Civil War, General Robert E. Lee spoke highly of one of his officers in the presence of Confederate President Jefferson Davis.At that time, another officer was very surprised. He said, "General, don't you know? The officer you praised just now is your deadly enemy. He often fights against you mercilessly." General Li replied: "Yes, but the president is asking for my opinion of him, not his opinion of me." Two thousand years ago, Jesus said, "Quickly agree with those who oppose you." One afternoon 4,000 years ago, King Aktu of Egypt said to his son during a banquet: "Be tactful. It will get you what you want." This advice is still precious to us today. Do not argue with your clients, family members or rivals.Instead of pointing out his mistakes directly, use some people skills.If you want others to agree with you.