Chapter 2 no winner in an argument

Almost all arguments will make both parties involved in the argument more insist on their views.Like war, there are no winners in an argument, regardless of whether it appears to have the upper hand. One evening in London, shortly after the end of World War II, I was greatly benefited by one incident. At the time, I was acting as Sir Ross Smith's agent.Sir Smith was an Australian Air Force pilot during the war and was deployed to the Palestinian garrison.Not long after the victory in the European battlefield and the armistice, he flew half of the world within a month, which caused a sensation all over the world.Because no one has ever accomplished such a feat.For this, he received a $5,000 reward from the Australian government, and the Queen of England awarded him a knighthood.For a while, he became the most talked about figure in the UK.

One evening I was at a banquet given for Sir Smith.At a dinner party, a gentleman sitting to my right told a joke that contained a quote from somewhere else, which he said was from the Bible.It happened that I knew the source of that sentence, so I told him with a sense of superiority that it came from Shakespeare's works.He immediately insisted that it could not be from Shakespeare, but it must be from the Bible.So we argued. Sitting just to my left is my old friend Frank Guymon, who is very familiar with Shakespeare.So the guy and I asked Guymon for advice.After hearing this, Gamon touched me with his foot under the table, and said that I was wrong, that person was correct, and that sentence came from the Bible.

On the way back together, I asked Guymon what happened, because he knew I was right.He said, "Yes, in Hamlet, Act V, Scene 2. But dear Dale, we were all at the party as guests, so why point out his fault? Would he then take a liking to you?" Why embarrass him? Why talk back when he didn't ask and doesn't need your opinion? Avoid confronting people face to face forever." "Always avoid confronting people face to face." Although the person who said this sentence has passed away, I will always remember this sentence. It helped me a lot, because I used to love fighting people so much.As a child, my brother and I had a constant verbal battle about everything.Later, I took logic and debate in college, and I often participated in debate competitions.Then I went to New York, where I taught speech and debate, and I was even going to write a book on debate.So, I had an indissoluble bond with bickering before.

Finally, it dawned on me that the only way to win an argument is to avoid it. In most disputes, the result will be that both sides will insist on their positions and opinions more than before.There are no winners in an argument.Whether or not you have the upper hand in an argument, you essentially lose.So what if you refute others to nothing in an argument?You may be temporarily happy, but the self-esteem of the other party has been hurt, and there will be resentment towards you.And even if he took it orally, his heart would not accept it. Pine Mutual Life Insurance Company has a strict discipline, "Don't argue."The true spirit of selling is not arguing.Because arguing doesn't change people's minds.

There is such an example.A few years ago, among my students was an Irishman named O. Henry.He had little education, but always liked to argue.He had driven other people's cars and done car sales, but he didn't do well, so he came to me for advice.After a brief conversation, I knew that he was always used to arguing with customers, and if the other party said something was wrong with his car, he would immediately quarrel with customers impatiently.He won many such arguments, but he didn't sell many of his cars.Later, he told me, "When I leave their office, I always say, 'I've cured that donkey this time.' He did get cured once, but he didn't buy anything from me either. "

So I understood that the most important thing is not to let O. Henry learn how to speak, but to teach him to learn restraint and not quarrel with others. Now, O. Henry has become the sales star of White Motor Company in New York. How did he go to success?Listen to what he said: "If I were to sell to a client now, and the client said, 'What? White's car? No! I don't want any money. I want a Hosea's car.' I would say: "He Xi's products are really good, and you can't go wrong buying their products. He Xi's cars are all produced by famous manufacturers, and the salesmen are also great." So, he has nothing to say on this point , because I agree with his views, there is no need to talk about He Xi. So, I began to explain the benefits of White Company.

"However, if I had heard him say that back then, I would have been angry. I would have started talking about the faults of He Xi's company. As a result, the more I picked on He Xi's faults, the more he said it was good. The more Arguing, the more he likes my competitor's stuff. "When I think about that time, I really don't know how I did my sales. In the past, I spent so much time on arguing, but now I know how to control myself and get results." As the wise Benjamin Franklin said: "If you always argue and refute, you may win occasionally! But this kind of victory is empty, because you will never get the goodwill of the other party."

So, you have to think about it carefully: do you want that kind of verbal and superficial victory, or do you want others to have a good impression of you from the heart? You may be right in an argument, but if you try to change someone else's opinion by arguing, then you are wrong, and it doesn't even have any effect. William McKinsey was the Secretary of the Treasury Department when former US President Wilson was in power. Based on his years of political experience, he summed up a sentence: "The ignorant cannot be convinced by relying on debate." "Ignorant people?" McKinsey put it too conservatively.From my own experience, no matter what the other's knowledge and IQ are, you can't argue with them to change their minds.

For example, Payson is an income tax consultant.He argued for an hour with a government tax inspector over the crucial $9,000.Payson explained that the $9,000 is actually a dead account in accounts receivable, and there is no way to recover it, so income tax should not be levied on it.The inspector retorted: "It must be collected." Payson said in class: "The inspector was very cold, arrogant, and stubborn. No explanation would work; and the more I argued with him, the more stubborn he became, so I decided not to argue with him and started Change the subject and say something he likes.

"I said to him very seriously: 'This matter is nothing compared to other important and difficult things you have to deal with. Most of my research on tax issues comes from dead knowledge in books, and your knowledge It's all from practical work experience. I sometimes really envy your work, it will learn a lot. "Then the Inspector sat up straight in his chair and talked at length about his work, telling me he had seen a lot of tax gimmicks. He softened and talked about his children. As he left he said Have to think about this again, and I'll be notified of the result in a few days.

"Three days later, I got a call from him in my office, and he told me that he decided not to collect that income tax." The most common frailties of human nature were exhibited in this inspector.What he wanted was the feeling of being important.The more Payson argued with him, the more he stubbornly used the functions of his position to show his authority, but when Payson agreed with his authority, there was nothing to argue about.His swell was satisfied, so he showed tolerance and understanding. Constant was Napoleon's big butler. He wrote in "Napoleon's Private Life Supplements" that Napoleon said when he was playing billiards with Josephine: "Although I am good at the game, I always let her win, so that she can win." would be happy." We can get a truth from Constance: Let our clients, lovers, husbands, and wives win us in small disputes.Arguments cannot clear up misunderstandings.We rely on skill, coordination, tolerance, and empathy to deal with other people's different opinions. Lincoln once taught a young officer who quarreled with his colleagues in this way: "Anyone who wants to make a difference will never waste time in private disputes. You can't afford the consequences of disputes, such as anger, loss of self-control, etc. When you have In matters of equal rights, give way to the other party more; even in things that are obviously right for you, you have to give way. Rather than fighting with the dog and being bitten by it, it is better to let it pass; otherwise, even if you put If the dog is killed, you are still bitten." An article in the book "Drips" advises dissidents to avoid arguments in this way: First, welcome dissent. There is this sentence: "People don't need a partner who always agrees." You should be sincerely grateful.Different opinions can save you from making big mistakes.Second, don't blindly trust your intuition. When someone disagrees, your first natural reaction is to protect yourself.You need to be cautious, calm, and pay attention to your gut reaction, because this may be a particularly bad thing about you.Third, control your emotions and remember that you can judge a person's tolerance and actions based on the circumstances under which he loses his temper.Fourth, listen first and give your dissenters the opportunity to express themselves.Don't interrupt him, let him express his meaning fully.Listen attentively to increase communication and understanding.Fifth, look for similarities. After you have listened to someone who holds a different opinion, first look for places where you and him have the same or similar opinions.Sixth, based on honesty, if you find your own mistakes, you must have the courage to admit to the other party and apologize for it.This helps to communicate and lessen the hostility of the other party.Seventh, the promise to seriously consider a different opinion involves a genuine acknowledgment that he may be right to disagree.Therefore, it is wiser to promise to take their views into account.Don't wait for the other person to say to you, "I told you, but you didn't listen," and embarrass you.Eighth, thank those who hold different opinions for their concern. It is because they care about the same thing that they have different opinions.See them as people who can help you, maybe they will become your friends.Ninth, do not rush into action, give both parties time to stop properly, consider the matter more carefully, and then hold talks.During your preparation, ask yourself: "Are they right, or partly right? Is their position or reasons justified? Is my response based on the objective problem itself or my own subjective How about feelings? Will the other person disagree with me more or less? Will my reaction make others think of me better? Will I win or lose? If I win, it will make me pay At what cost? If I remain silent, will the differences cease to exist? Is this problem an opportunity for me?" True Pierce is an opera tenor who has been married for almost 50 years.He said: "My wife and I have a tacit understanding for a long time, that is: when one person yells loudly, the other will listen calmly. Because if we yell at each other, there will be only noise and excitement, and there will be nothing at all. Impossible to communicate."