Chapter 9 Chapter 8 How to Deal with Difficult People
Tolerant and magnanimous, completely breaking the ice of embarrassment:
What do you do if the person you're about to work with doesn't like you?How do you prevent confrontation from escalating if the person you are in conflict with is serious?What should you do if you encounter an unsmiling law enforcement officer?Dealing with the current real situation and learning to deal with people with different personalities more maturely will be especially important for building positive partnerships and solving problems.When you can flexibly use some skills in getting along with people, there will be fewer and fewer unpleasant situations in the future, and the destructive effects on you will also be less and less.
"If you come to me with two fists clenched," President Wilson said, "I'm sorry, I promise I'll make my fists as tight as yours. But if you come to me and say, 'Let's sit down and talk about it, See why we don't agree with each other.' Then we'll soon find out that our differences aren't really that big, we see more or less the same. So if we have the patience to communicate with each other, we can understand each other." The one who appreciates Wilson's wise words most is John Rockefeller Jr. In 1915, Rockefeller was the most despised man in Colorado.The bloodiest strike in American industrial history raged for two years in Colorado, as angry and brutish miners demanded higher wages at the Colorado Coal and Iron Company, now owned by Rockefeller.At the time, properties were destroyed, troops were mobilized, and there was much bloodshed.Striking workers were crushed and shot, and many bodies were battered and battered.In such a hateful situation, Rockefeller wanted to get the strikers to accept him, and he did, using exactly this method. He first spent weeks negotiating with workers and then addressing workers' representatives.The speech was a masterpiece, and it had astonishing effect: it not only appeased the intimidators who wanted Rockefeller to swallow him, but it won him many admirers.He laid out the facts in a very friendly manner and got the strikers back to work without mentioning any more wages.Here is the opening part of that famous speech, and look at the friendly spirit that flows between the lines.You know, those who listened to Rockefeller's speech planned to hang him on a sour apple tree a few days ago.Yet to these people he could not have been more benevolent and friendly, as if addressing a group of preachers.His speech reads as follows: "Today is a memorable day in my life. This is the first time I have been so lucky to meet the labor representatives, employees and supervisors of this great company. From the bottom of my heart, I am honored to be here, and in my Never in my life will I forget this gathering. If it had been two weeks ago, I would have been a stranger to most of you and I've only known a handful of faces. Last week I had the opportunity I visited all the households in the South Mining District, and I talked to almost all the representatives except those who went out. I met your family members, saw your wives and children. We meet here today. We are no longer strangers, but friends ...and it is in this spirit of mutual friendliness that I am fortunate to have this opportunity to discuss with you issues of our mutual concern." "This is a rally attended by company employees and worker representatives. The reason why I can come here is all because of your kindness. Although I am neither a company employee nor a worker representative, I still feel close to you because In a way, I represent both shareholders and directors." If you lose your temper with someone when you are angry, you will certainly feel comfortable, but what will happen to the other party?Can he also share your joy?Can your explosive tone, your hostile attitude, make him agree with you?Isn't the story of John Rockefeller Jr. an ideal example of turning an enemy into a friend?If Rockefeller had used another method, if he had argued with the miners, and brought the facts of the destruction of the mine forcefully to their face; if he had told them suggestively that they were wrong; had he used logic rules to prove them wrong, so what happens?That's bound to fuel more anger, more hatred, and more resistance. About 100 years ago, Lincoln expressed his views on this. He said this: "There's an old adage that 'a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of bile'. It's the same with people. If you're going to convince someone to agree with you, you've got to convince him that you're his true friend .It is like a drop of honey, win his heart with a drop of honey, then you can make him walk on the road of reason." If a man has a bad opinion of you and is dissatisfied with you because he is at odds with you, you will not be able to convince him of you by any means.Scolding parents, tough bosses and husbands, and nagging wives should understand that people don't want to change their minds, and they can't be forced or forced to agree with you or me.But if we are gentle and kind—very gentle, very kind—we can lead them to be in line with us. Daniel West is good looking, an eloquent and very accomplished defense attorney.He has a knack for expressing his strong points in court in kind and gentle terms.There is no coercion or high-pressure means, and he never imposes his opinions on others.West is famous for his soft-spoken and serene friendliness in his defense. Of course many people will never face and regulate a strike wave, or speak to a jury, but you might want your landlord to reduce your rent.Then, this kind approach will also be of great help to you. There was an engineer in my class named Staber, who was struggling for a while, so he wanted his rent to be reduced.But he knew that the landlord is a very difficult person, "Nevertheless, I still want to try." Sdebo said in a speech in class, "So I wrote him a letter. Inform the landlord, the contract When the term is over, I will move out immediately. But in fact, I didn't want to move out at that time. If the rent can be reduced, I would like to continue to live in it, but it seems that this is not possible. Other tenants have also tried various methods- —including warnings and even intimidation—everybody told me that landlords are hard to deal with. But, I said to myself, I’m learning how to deal with people, so I’m going to try it on him and see if it works.” As soon as Staber's landlord received his letter, he and his secretary found him.Staples stood at the door to welcome the landlord, full of kindness and enthusiasm.At the beginning of the conversation, Staber did not talk about the high rent, but emphasized how much he liked his house.Stable praised the landlord for his management and said that he would like to live for another year, but he really couldn't afford the expensive rent. "He obviously had never seen a tenant so enthusiastic about him, and he simply didn't know what to do." Sdeber described the scene at that time.Next, the landlord began to complain to Staple, complaining about the tenants, saying that one of them had written him 14 letters, which were too insulting to him.Another tenant threatened to quit the lease if the upstairs tenant couldn't be stopped from snoring. "It's such a relief to have a satisfied tenant like you!" the landlord praised Stable. Of course, the final result is satisfactory.The landlord offered to reduce some of the rent before Staber made a request. "But it's still a relatively high number." Sdeber said what he could afford, and the landlord agreed without saying anything.When he left, he turned around and asked, "Is there anything I want to decorate for you?" "If I had used the same methods that other tenants have used to force the landlord to reduce the rent, I am sure I would have encountered the same difficulties as them. This kind, sympathetic, and appreciative approach has brought me to my own Purpose." If a person can realize that a friendly way can better improve the interpersonal relationship around him, then he will also show a gentle and friendly attitude in his daily words and deeds.Violent and rude methods can never win good popularity, only friendly methods can conquer the hearts of others.
Debates can only result in defeat, never victory.Even if you appear to be victorious, in reality it is indistinguishable from defeat.Because even if you beat the opponent in the debate, refute the opponent to pieces, and even accuse the opponent of insanity, what will happen to the result?You are naturally very quick, and you are naturally very happy, but the other party will feel inferior.You hurt his self-esteem, and he will resent you.That's the point I'm going to make in this section. I learned an extremely important lesson in London shortly after World War II.At that time, I was the manager of the Australian aviator James.During and shortly after the war, James became a figure in the world's attention.One evening, I was at a banquet in honor of James.During the dinner, a gentleman sitting on my right told us a witty story, which just confirmed such a maxim: "Man makes things happen, but God makes things happen." However, the source of this sentence, the Mr. misremembered. He pointed out that the line was from the Bible, and I happened to know that it was from Shakespeare.So, in order to show my superiority, I corrected him obnoxiously and without scruple.But the man insisted on his statement: "What? That sentence comes from Shakespeare? Impossible, absolutely impossible." He was very confident and insisted on his statement. Sitting to my left at the time was my old friend Gammon, an expert on Shakespeare.We let Garmon decide who of us is right.Gammon kicked me under the table and said, "Carnegie, you're wrong, it's actually from the Bible." After the banquet we went home together.I blamed Gammon and said, "You know that the sentence came from Shakespeare, why do you still say I'm wrong?" "Yes, that's all right," said Garmon. "It's from Shakespeare's Hamlet, Act V, Scene 2. But Carnegie, we're all guests at this party, why do we have to find a evidence, to accuse others of their mistakes? Will you make others feel good about you? Why can’t you save him a little face? He doesn’t want to ask for your opinion, and he doesn’t want to know what you think, and you Why argue with him? You should never confront anyone head-on!" "Never have a direct conflict with others", the person who said this sentence is no longer in this world, but I will always remember this sentence.This lesson shocked me greatly.I used to be an opinionated person, and I liked to argue with people since I was a child.When I was in college, I was very interested in logic and debate, and I often participated in various debate competitions.Later, I taught debate classes in New York and even planned to write a book on debate.Now, when I think about these things, I feel utterly ashamed.Since that day, I have listened to thousands of debates, paying close attention to the aftermath of each debate.I have come to a conclusion, and it is also a truth: there is only one way in the world to gain the greatest victory in debate, and that is to avoid debate as much as possible, just as you avoid poisonous snakes and rabid dogs. I've also found that after a debate, nine times out of ten, each person still sticks to his or her point of view, believing that they are absolutely right.You can't win an argument!If you lose, of course you lose; but even if you win, you still lose.Why?So what if you beat the other side, and prove him useless by shattering his body or riddling him with holes?You may be elated, but he resents your victory for being humiliated. "Even if a person admits defeat verbally, he is not convinced at all in his heart." Many years ago, Mr. Harry, a feisty Irishman, attended my tutoring class.He has little education, but he loves to argue!He had worked as a car driver for others.Later, he switched to selling trucks, but was not very successful, so he came to me for help.I questioned him a little, and it became apparent that he was always arguing with and offending his customers.If a buyer is critical of the car he is selling, he will be furious and argue loudly with the other party until the other party is rendered speechless. He did win quite a few arguments back then.He later told me, "Whenever I walk out of someone's office, I say to myself, 'I've finally taught that guy a lesson.' I did tell him, but I didn't sell anything." So my first challenge was not just to teach Harry how to talk to people, but my immediate task was to train him how to refrain from talking and get into an argument.Mr. Harry is now a star salesman for the White Motor Company in New York.How did he succeed?Here is his own account of what happened: "Suppose I walk into a customer's office now, and he says, 'What? White cars? They're not very good! You give them to me for free, and I don't want them. I'll just buy so-and-so.' And I say,' Listen to me, man, that's a really nice car, and you can't go wrong buying one. That company has solid cars, and they've got great salesmen." "So he has nothing to say. He has no room to argue with me. If he says that such-and-such is the best car, and I say it is, then he has to shut up. Now that I agree His opinion, and of course he couldn't keep saying 'so-and-so' is the best car all afternoon. So we stopped talking about so-and-so and I started to tell him about the virtues of White's cars. "If I had heard him say that in my day, I would have lost my temper. I would have quarreled with him immediately, picking on such-and-such a car. And the more critical I belittled it, the harder my customer would defend it. The more I defended like this, the more I believed and liked my competitor's product. Looking back now, I really don't know how many things I could sell in my life. I spent a lot of time in my life talking to others .Now my silence is very effective.” As the wise Benjamin Franklin used to say: "If you are competitive, if you enjoy arguing and refuting others for fun, you may win a moment of victory, but such victories are meaningless and worthless, because you will never have Get the favor of the other party." So, you should carefully consider: would you rather have a superficial victory with no real meaning, or hope to gain someone's favor?You know, you can't have it both ways. Bath Mutual Life Insurance Company has this rule for their employees: don't argue.They believe that a good salesman will not argue with customers, even if it disagrees with the most common opinions, it should be avoided as much as possible.Because people's thinking is not easy to change. Madhu, who served as Secretary of the Treasury during President Wilson's tenure, told people a lesson from his years of political experience: "We can never use arguments to convince an ignorant person." And if I have to say it, I think you Don't try to use debate to change anyone's opinion, not just the ignorant. Mr. Parsons, an income tax consultant, once argued for an hour with a government tax inspector over a $9,000 account.Payson's opinion is that no income tax should be levied on other people, because it is a bad debt that can never be recovered.And the inspector thinks the tax must be paid.Payson told the workshop what happened afterwards: "He is indifferent, arrogant, and stubborn. Reasoning with this kind of person is like talking nonsense. The more I argue with him, the more stubborn he is. Later, I decided not to continue arguing with him, so I changed the subject and continued. I praised him a few words. 'Since you have dealt with many similar problems,' I said to him, 'this problem must be a piece of cake for you. Although I have also studied taxation, it is only on paper. Of course, you know that these require practical experience. To be honest, I am very envious of you having such a position, and this time has benefited me a lot.'” "Of course, I told him the truth. The inspector straightened up and began to talk about his work, and told a lot about the fraud cases he handled. His tone gradually calmed down, and then he said To his own family and children. Before leaving, he told me that he planned to go back and think about this issue again. Three days later, he came to see me and said that the tax was handled according to the terms of the tax item, and no more would be collected.” There is such a weakness in human nature that everyone wants to be recognized by others.When Parson argues with him, he appears authoritative, hoping to build up his self-esteem, and when Parson agrees with him, he immediately becomes a kind, compassionate person, and naturally Stop arguing. "Hate can never stop hate, only love can stop hate." Therefore, misunderstandings cannot be resolved by arguments, but must be resolved by using certain diplomacy and the approval of others. Once, Lincoln once reprimanded an officer who quarreled with his colleagues: "A man who has achieved great things should not argue with others everywhere, nor should he spend a lot of time arguing with others. Pointless arguments will not only damage your education , and will make you lose self-control, try to be as humble as possible to others. Instead of blocking a dog, it is better to let it take a step first. Because if you are bitten by a dog, even if you kill the dog, it will not cure you. Heal your wound." Lincoln's words should also become the criterion of your actions!
Recently I met a famous botanist at a dinner party given by the famous publisher Glebe in New York.I've never talked to a botanist before, but I find him extremely alluring.I have been sitting in a chair, quietly listening to him introduce marijuana, the great botanist Bolbon, and indoor flowers and plants.He also told me many amazing facts about cheap potatoes.Since I have a small indoor garden of my own, I often have some problems, so he was very enthusiastic to tell me how to solve my problems. As I have said, we are at a banquet.There were, of course, a dozen other guests, but I violated the usual protocol by not noticing the others, and talked for hours with the botanist.In the middle of the night, when I was saying goodbye to everyone, the botanist turned to the host and praised me, saying: "Mr. Carnegie is really a most inspiring person." One way is this way, one way I am that way... In short, he concluded that I was a "most charming talker". I?A charismatic talker?But I said very little in this conversation.In fact, even if I were asked to do so, I could say nothing if I did not change the subject, for I am as ignorant of botany as I am of animal anatomy. But notice that I have managed to listen carefully to what he has to say.I listened intently because I was genuinely interested.Of course, he was aware of this too, and it obviously pleased him. A similar story also happened in another party of mine.That time, I was invited to a bridge party.Since I don't know how to play bridge, I sit on the side.It just so happened that I was surrounded by a beautiful lady who couldn't play bridge when she learned that I had been Mr. Lowell Thomas's personal assistant before he went into radio broadcasting, and that I had traveled with him all over Europe, by When I came to give him the lively travel talk that was about to be broadcast, she exclaimed happily: "Ah! Mr. Carnegie, can you tell me about the tourist attractions you have seen?" So we sat down on the sofa.She told me that she and her husband had recently returned from a trip to Africa. "Africa," I said, "this is a very interesting place! I've always wanted to see Africa, but I've never been anywhere except a day in Algeria. Tell me, have you been to the Beast Haunted country? Isn't it? You are so lucky! I really envy you! Can you tell me about Africa!" As a result, our conversation lasted 45 minutes.The lady stopped asking me where I had been or what I had seen.In fact, she didn't really want to hear me talk about my travels, all she wanted was a genuine listener who would take the opportunity to expand her sense of self-esteem by telling about the places she'd been. Is it special for her to do this?No, in fact, many people are like this.For example, Woodford writes in his book "People in Love": "Few people can resist the kind of careful listening with compliments." And I went further than that.I told the botanist that I had been treated with the utmost care and guidance, and indeed I felt.I told him that I really wish I had his knowledge, and I do.I also told him that I wished to go roaming in the fields with him, which was my true wish.I also told him that I had to see him again - I really had to see him again.That is why the botanist thought I was a good talker.But I was really just a good listener and encouraged him to talk. A few years ago, I was a guest at the home of a woman, now a grandma, who told me how she was appreciated by men for being a good listener.she said to me: "Mr. Carnegie, I'm going to tell you something that I've never told anyone, not even my husband. "I was born into a very poor family in Philadelphia, and the greatest tragedy of my childhood and youth was that I was poor. I couldn't have as much entertainment as other girls, and my clothes were never the best materials, plus I grew up so fast that my clothes never fit and they weren't in fashion. I always felt ashamed and wronged, and ended up crying myself to sleep. Finally, out of desperation, I came up with a solution , That is, every time I attend a dinner party, I always ask my male partner to tell me his own past experiences, some of his opinions, and his plans for the future. "I didn't do it because I was particularly interested in what he had to say; I did it because I didn't want him to notice that I was wearing ugly clothes. But something strange happened very quickly, when I heard these young people talk to As I talked and got to know them better, I really started to take an interest in what they had to say. Sometimes I was so interested that I forgot how I was dressed. But the thing that surprised me the most, was Because I can listen to other people's conversations, and I can encourage those boys to talk about themselves, which makes them very happy, so I gradually became the most popular girl in our place, and finally 3 boys came to propose to me .” If you are good at listening to others, you will become a master of speech and become the most popular person.This is not enough, known as the "secret secret" in business talks, it is also "listen to the person who is speaking to you attentively".As for successful business dealings, there is no mystery, and there is nothing more satisfying than that. The truth is obvious, isn't it?You don't have to go to Harvard to understand this truth.But you and I also know this situation: Some businessmen rent luxurious storefronts to do business, and the design of the windows is also in place, which can completely move people's hearts. Know to be a listener.These waiters will even interrupt the conversation of customers, refute their views, irritate them, and some even drive customers out. Walton bought a suit at a department store in Newark, New Jersey, near the ocean.But after he put on this suit, he was very disappointed, because the jacket was faded and his shirt collar was blackened.So Mr. Walton took the suit back to the mall, found the salesman, and told him about it.But before he could finish speaking, he was interrupted by the other party. "We've sold thousands of sets of these clothes," the salesperson retorted. "You're the first to find fault." That's what the salesman said, and the tone of his voice sounded more unbearable than that.His gunpowder-smelling voice seemed to say, "You're lying. You're trying to bully us, aren't you? Well, I'll show you some color." While the two were arguing, another salesperson joined in."All black clothes fade at first, it's only natural," he said. "At this price, of course it will. It's the paint." "By this point I couldn't stand it any longer, and I was furious," said Mr. Walton. "The first clerk doubted my honesty; the second implied that I had bought a cheap item. I was annoyed then." I was about to scold them when the sales manager walked in. Obviously, he understood the importance of his position, and it was he who completely changed my attitude from an annoyed customer to a A satisfied customer." How did he do it? "He first listened quietly to my story from the beginning to the end without interjecting a word. After I finished speaking, the two salesmen wanted to express their opinions again, but the manager stood in my position and refuted Not only did he point out that my collar was clearly stained by the suit, but he insisted that if the item did not satisfy the customer, it should not be sold in their store. Finally, he admitted that he did not know the cause of the problem and was frank about the I said 'What do you want me to do with this suit? Whatever you say we can do.' "A few minutes ago, I would have wanted them to keep that suit to themselves, but now I reply 'I just want to hear from you. I want to know if this is a temporary situation or if there is no solution .' So he suggested that I wear this suit for another week. He said, 'If you are still not satisfied by then, we will definitely replace you with one that you are satisfied with. We are very sorry for causing you trouble.' "I walked out of the store satisfied. A week later there was nothing wrong with the suit and my anger at that store was completely gone. "You see, the reason why the manager became the sales manager is because he knows the art of speaking. As for his two subordinate employees, I think they should stay in the status of sales staff for life. Oh, no , they should be relegated to the packaging department and never deal with customers." This is why the same problem, solved by different people, has different results.The crux of the problem lies in whether you are the other party's loyal audience. Critical people, even the most vehement critics, often soften in the presence of a patient and sympathetic listener.When the enraged provocateur opens his mouth to bite like a serpent, the listener should remain silent and only listen attentively to what he has to say. A few years ago, the New York Telephone Company had to find a way to appease a customer who cursed at an operator.He was really cursing.He cursed hysterically, even threatening to knock down the phone line.Not only did he refuse to pay certain charges as unreasonable, he wrote letters to various newspapers, he made numerous complaints to the Public Service Commission, and he sued the phone company in court several times.In the end, the phone company sent an experienced mediator to see the troublemaker. After the mediator arrived at the customer's home, he didn't say anything, just listened to him quietly.No matter what the other party said, he listened quietly.The phone company mediator listened intently and repeatedly said yes, sympathizing with his grievances. “He continued to speak without hesitation. I listened in silence for nearly three hours,” the mediator said, describing his experience in my training class. “I went to him many times afterwards, and listened quietly to him again. I met him 4 times in total and by the end of my 4th visit I was a lead member of an organization he was starting. He called it 'Telephone Users The Society for the Protection of Rights'. I am still a member of this organization. However, besides this old gentleman, I am the only member of his organization, so far as I know." "Then," said the mediator, "during several visits, I listened to him and agreed with everything he said. No one from the phone company had ever talked to him like I did before. made him almost friendly. When I visited him the first time, I didn't mention the purpose of seeing him. On the second and third times, I didn't mention my purpose. But on the fourth time, I brought this matter to a happy ending - the old gentleman paid all the bills owed and got him to withdraw his complaint to the Public Service Commission for the first time since fighting the phone company." Apparently, this old gentleman thinks he is fighting for the common good and protecting the rights of the public from being deprived, but he is actually pursuing a sense of self-respect.He first gained this sense of self-esteem by picking and complaining, and once he got the sense of self-respect from the telephone company representative, all his unreal grievances disappeared immediately. So, if you want to be a good talker, you must first be a good listener.It’s easy to do this by asking people questions they like to answer and encouraging them to talk about themselves and what they’ve accomplished.
Where I was living was almost in the center of New York City, but there was a forest within a minute's walk from my house.I often take my Boston pug Rex for a walk in the garden. He is a gentle dog. Since he rarely meets people in the garden, he is not given a leash or a muzzle. One day we met a policeman on horseback in the park—a policeman who seemed to be asserting his authority. "What do you mean by letting that dog run around in the garden without a muzzle and a leash?" He asked me, "Don't you know that's against the law?" "Yes, I know it's against the law," I replied softly, "but I don't think it can do any harm here." "You can't! You can't! The law doesn't care what you think. That dog may hurt a squirrel, or bite a child. Well, this time I'll let you go, but if I catch the dog here again without a muzzle cage, don't wear a leash, and you're going to have to speak to the judge." I humbly promised to obey his order. And I did actually do it a few times, but Ricks didn't seem to like the gag, and neither did I, so we decided to take our chances.Everything was fine at first, but then we ran into trouble.One afternoon Rex and I jumped over a hill, and suddenly I saw the authority of the law again—the policeman on horseback.Rex was running ahead, heading for the policeman. I knew there was nothing I could do, so I pre-empted the police before they started talking.I said, "Officer, you caught me on the spot. I broke the law. I have no excuses. I have no excuses. You warned me last week that if I bring a dog here again without a muzzle, you will be punished." I." "Oh," said the policeman in a soft voice, "I know it's tempting to let a puppy run around here when there's no one around." "That's a real temptation," I replied, "but it's against the law." "A puppy like that can't hurt anyone," the police officer said in his defense. "No, but it might hurt the squirrels," I said. "Oh, now, I think you're taking it too seriously," he told me, "and I'll tell you what to do, you just make it run over the mound so I can't see it—and we forget about it Never mind." Like normal people, this Mr. Cop wants a sense of self-respect, so when I start blaming myself, the only way to increase his self-esteem is to be magnanimous to me.But what if I defend myself? I didn't argue with him head-on, I admitted that he was absolutely right and I was absolutely wrong, and I admitted it readily, frankly, and sincerely.I speak for him, and he speaks for me in turn.And only a week before, this policeman had threatened me with legal sanctions. If we know we're going to be blamed, why don't we preemptively admit our mistakes?Isn't it better to blame yourself than to be blamed by others? President George Washington displayed many fine qualities at an early age.There are many fruit trees in his family's plantation.Once, George's father, Mr. Washington, bought a good cherry tree from across the ocean.Mr. Washington loved this cherry tree very much. He planted it beside the orchard and told everyone on the farm to take good care of it and not let anyone touch it. 一天，华盛顿先生交给乔治一把锋利的小斧子，让他去清理杂树，然后自己就出去了。乔治十分高兴自己拥有一把锋利的小斧子，拿着它在种植园中乱砍杂树。可能是因为太高兴了，他一不小心就砍倒了那棵樱桃树。 那天傍晚，华盛顿先生忙完农事，把马牵回马棚，然后来果园看他的樱桃树，没想到，自己心爱的树居然被砍倒在地。他问了所有人，但谁都说不知道。就在这时，乔治恰巧从旁边经过。 “乔治，”父亲用生气的口吻高声喊道，“你知道是谁把我的樱桃树砍死了吗？” 乔治看到父亲如此愤怒，他意识到是自己的一时冲动闯了祸。他哼哼唧唧了一会儿，但很快恢复了神志。“我不能说谎，”他说，“爸爸，是我用斧子砍的。” 华盛顿先生这时候已经冷静了下来，他问乔治：“告诉我，乔治，你为什么要砍死那棵树？” “当时我正在玩，没想到……”乔治回答道。 华盛顿先生把手放在孩子肩上。“看着我，”他说道，“失去了一棵树，我当然很难过，但我同时也很高兴，因为你鼓足勇气向我说了实话。我宁愿要一个勇敢诚实的孩子，也不愿拥有一个种满枝叶繁茂的樱桃树的果园。一定要记住这一点，儿子。” 乔治·华盛顿从未忘记这一点。他一直像小时候那样勇敢、受人尊敬，直至生命结束。 我们中的大多数人都像乔治·华盛顿一样，从小就被教育要诚实，但很遗憾的是，我们中的大多数人已经做不到这一点了。当然，我们可以找出各种理由来为自己辩解，来使自己能够既撒谎又心安理得。在多数情况下，我们为了维护自己的尊严，或者出于自我保护而拒绝承认自己的错误，即使承认错误不会给我们带来任何惩罚——拒绝承认错误好像成为了一种下意识的行为，就算我们并不清楚是为什么。 这是一种可怕的行为。如果你确认自己犯了错误，唯一能做的就是承认它。这并不会给你带来多么严重的后果。愚蠢的人总会想办法为自己的错误辩解或者掩饰，而聪明的人却恰恰相反，他们通常会毫不掩饰地承认自己的错误，因为这会给他带来更多的东西。 一个有勇气承认自己错误的人，也可以得到某种满足感。这不仅只是消除罪恶感和自我辩护的气氛，而且有利于解决实质性问题。在纽约的一家汽车维修店里，曾经发生过一件勇敢地承认自己错误的事情。 布鲁士新进这家维修店不久，就因为热情的工作态度得到了老板和同事们的一致好评。 但是有一天，布鲁士由于一时大意，把一台价值5000美元的汽车发动机以2500美元的价格卖给了一位顾客。同事们给他出主意，让他立即追回那位顾客：如果追不回，还可以私下里垫上这2500美元。可是布鲁士觉得这些方法都不好，他决定向老板承认错误。那些同事阻止他，认为他这么做简直太蠢了，因为这会导致他失去这份工作。但是布鲁士却坚持自己的意见。 布鲁士拿着一个装了钱的信封来到了老板的办公室。“对不起，布朗先生，”布鲁士说道，“今天，由于个人的原因，我犯了一个很大的错误，使维修店损失了2500美元。我为我犯了这样的错误而感到羞耻，并打算辞去这份工作。在走之前，我打算把这笔损失补上。这是我的2500美元赔款，请您收下。” 老板听后，沉默了一会儿，然后对布鲁士说：“你真的打算这么做吗？” “是的，布朗先生，”布鲁士回答道，“我把发动机的价格搞错了，确实是我犯下了这个错误，因此只有我自己来承担这个责任。我本来可以去找那位顾客，但是这样会损害维修店的声誉。而我对这件事情负有全部的责任。因此，我只能这么做。” 布鲁士这种勇敢承认自己错误的行为打动了老板。他知道，任何人都会犯错误，关键是要有承认和改正自己错误的勇气。所以，老板并没有批准布鲁士辞职，而是给了他更大的发展空间，也更加器重他，而布鲁士则因为勇敢地承认自己的错误而获得了比500美元多得多的东西。 很多人也会为自己的错误做辩护——而且大多数愚蠢的人也正是这样做的。而敢于承认自己错误的人，都会获得别人的谅解，给人以谦恭而高尚的印象。 艾伯·赫巴是一位全国（指美国）都为之敬仰的最有创造性的作家，他的讽刺性文字常引起别人强烈的反感。但是，赫巴却常常用他那罕有的待人处世技巧，变仇敌为朋友。例如，当一些恼怒的读者写信来表示不同意他的某篇文章，并在末尾痛骂他一顿时，赫巴就会这样回答对方： “细想起来，我自己也不完全同意我自己。我昨天所写的东西，今天我也不一定全都满意。我很高兴知道你对这类问题的看法，如果下次你到附近来的时候，欢迎大驾光临，我们可以相互交流，遥祝平安。” 面对一个如此待你的人，你还能说什么？当我们是对的时候，我们要温和、巧妙地使别人赞同我们；当我们是错的时候，我们要迅速而诚挚地承认我们的错误。这不但能产生惊人的效果，而且在许多情形之下，要远远胜过你为自己辩护。 史狄芬是一家裁缝店的老板，由于他经营有道，裁缝店的生意很好。一天，一位叫哈里斯的贵妇人来到店里，要求赶做一套晚礼服。史狄芬做完礼服之后，却发现礼服的袖子比要求的长了半寸。不幸的是，他已经没有时间再进行修改了，因为哈里斯太太规定的时间已经到了。 当哈里斯太太来到店里取她的晚礼服的时候，她并没有发现有什么问题。她试穿上晚礼服，发现它为自己平添了许多气质，于是连连称赞史狄芬的高超手艺。不料，等她试完之后打算按照原定的价格付钱时，史狄芬却拒绝接受。于是，哈里斯太太问他为什么。 “太太，”史狄芬说，“我之所以不能收你的钱，是因为我犯了一个很大的错误——我把你的晚礼服的袖子做长了半寸。我很抱歉，我希望你能够原谅我。如果你能够给我一点时间的话，我将免费为你把它做成你需要的尺寸。” 哈里斯太太听完后，一再强调她对这件礼服很满意，而且并不在乎袖子长那么半寸。但是，她却无法说服史狄芬接受这套礼服的钱，最后，她只得让步。 哈里斯太太回去对她的丈夫说：“史狄芬以后一定会出名的，他认真的工作、精湛的技术、诚恳的态度使我坚信这一点。” 事实果然如此，史狄芬后来成为了世界有名的服装设计师。 不要忘记了这句智慧之语：“用争斗的方法，你永远不会得到满足；但用让步的方法，你的收获将比你期望的更多。”这个道理人人都懂，只是实行起来有一些困难罢了。我想要强调的是，如果你确实想要成功，成为一位说话高手，请记住第二项修炼：如果你错了，就一定要迅速而坦诚地承认自己的错误。
一天，查尔斯·史考伯经过自己的钢铁厂的时候，撞见几个工人正围在一起抽烟。他们显然忘记了公司禁止吸烟的明文规定，或者像很多犯错误的人一样存在侥幸心理。史考伯先生应该把他们揪出来，然后狠狠地批评他们吗？或者把那块“禁止吸烟”的牌子指给他们看？这都只会让对方感到难堪，并且对史考伯产生怨恨。只见他不动声色地走上前去，发给他们每个人一支雪茄，并对他们说：“我们到外面抽去。” 这些工人当然不会跟着史考伯一起出去抽烟，而是对他说：“啊，我们忘记公司禁止吸烟的规定了。请你原谅。”然后赶快回到他们的工作岗位上去了。当然，我们能够体会到他们心里的那种复杂的感觉：既为犯了错误而感到自责，又为没有受到惩罚或指责而感到庆幸，同时对史考伯先生也越发尊敬。他们以后一定不会犯同样的错误了。 当你发现对方犯了一个很明显的错误时，为了使对方能够尽快地改正，于是你好心地对他说：“看，约翰，你刚才说的有这样一个错误……”你满以为他会感激你，但是结果却让你很意外，甚至让你感到不可理喻——他坚决不承认自己犯了错误，更不用说感激你了。 你没有必要因此而责备对方，这种事情太常见了，几乎每个人都会有这样的毛病。当别人指出自己的错误，尤其是直截了当地指出的时候，一般人似乎都受不了。他会因此而产生一种让人觉得不可思议的强大的力量，正是这种力量迫使他拒绝接受你的批评或指正，即使他明明知道你是为他着想的。 心理学家指出，这种强大的力量中有很大一部分是自我认同感在起作用。当自己所相信的东西被怀疑或否定之后，每个人都会产生一种焦虑，感到自己的自尊被伤害了，甚至感到自己的安全已经没有了保障。结果是，他会本能地拒绝承认自己的错误，即使他可能认为你说的是对的。因此，当你想要说服一个人，让他明白自己的错误的时候，千万不要直接指出对方的错误。 我相信，直接指出对方的错误，实际上就是在批评对方。任何人都不喜欢被他人批评，即使他明白自己确实做错了，但是人们却往往做这样的蠢事。在我们身边经常会遇到一些比较烦心的事情困扰着我们，但是很多时候只要我们换种表达方式，也许就能轻易地达到我们的目的。 马吉·嘉可布太太请了几位技术非常好的工人加盖房子。头几天，他们总是把院子弄得乱七八糟，到处都有木屑。一次，等他们结束了一天的工作后，聪明的嘉可布太太不露声色地叫来她的孩子们，和他们一起把木屑处理干净，堆到院子的角落里。第二天，工人们来的时候，她非常高兴地对工人们说：“你们昨天把院子打扫干净了，我非常高兴。老实说，这简直比我们以前的院子还要干净。” 听到这些话后，那些工人十分高兴，以后都把木屑堆在了院子的角落。试想一下，如果嘉可布太太摆出一副雇主的姿态，那些工人会怎么样呢？他们会毫不犹豫地换另外一份活儿的，因为像他们这么优秀的建筑工人毕竟很少。 从上面两个例子的结果来看，间接地指出对方的错误是十分正确的。采用温和的语气，间接地指出别人的错误，这样就不会引起对方的反感。 确实，我们只要在指出对方错误的同时，注意维护对方的自尊，就容易收到很好的效果。这是十分符合人的本性的——正因为我们没有办法改变人性的弱点，所以只有使自己所做的事情符合人性。那些聪明的人总是会想方设法这么去做，因为他们知道这样做的效果比直接指出对方的错误要好得多。 一些大公司或者机构的上层人物一般人通常很难见到，其中的部分原因固然是他们很忙，但是那些下属的“过滤”也是一个重要的原因：他们不愿意他们的上司被打扰，因此帮上司挡掉了许多看起来不那么重要的客人。这对那些上层人物来说并不一定就是好事，卡尔·佛朗在当佛罗里达州奥兰多市的市长的时候，就曾经遇到过这样的麻烦。 他奉行的是“门户开放”政策。当时他规定，市民如果有事的话就可以直接来见他。但是，那些造访的市民却常常被工作人员挡在门外。后来，为了圆满地解决这个问题，聪明的市长想出了一个高招儿：他叫人把他办公室的门给拆了。这样，他相当于在明白无误地告诉工作人员不要再阻挡那些造访者了。另一方面，他用行动暗示了工作人员的错误，但并没有直接指出来，这就给他们保留了自尊。 美国陆军第542分校的士官长哈雷·凯塞在带预备役军官时，他面临着一个军队中普遍存在的问题。What's the problem?在预备役军人和正规军训练人员之间，最大的差异就是理发，因为预备役军人认为自己只是老百姓，因此他们非常不愿意把头发剪短。如何解决这个问题呢？按照以前正规军的士官长一样，他可以向他的部队怒吼几声，或威胁他们。但他不愿这样做。 他这样说道：“各位先生们，你们都是领导。当你以身教导时，那是最有效不过的办法了。你必须为你所领导的人做个榜样。你们应该了解军队对理发的规定。今天我也要去理发，而我的头发却比某些人的头发要短得多了。你们不妨对着镜子看看，如果你要做个榜样的话，是不是该要理发了？我们会帮你安排时间去营区理发部理发。” 结果是可以预料的。有几个人自动去镜子前看了看，然后下午去理发部按规定理了发。次日早晨，凯塞士官长讲评时说，他已经看到在队伍中有些人已经具备了领导者的气质。 1887年3月8日，美国最富有口才的牧师、演说家亨利·华德·毕切尔去世了。在下一个星期日，莱曼·阿伯特应邀向那些因毕切尔去世而伤心不已的牧师演讲。他急于取得成功，把演讲词改了又改，并像福楼拜一样过分小心地进行润饰。然后他将演讲词读给他妻子听，但是演讲词写得并不很好，真的很糟糕。但是如果他妻子缺乏见识，她可能会这样说：“莱曼，糟极了，绝对不能用。你会让那些听众都睡着的，那听起来像一本百科全书。你传道这么多年，应该能写得更好。天啊！你为什么不像一个普通人那样去讲呢？你为什么不自然点儿？你如果念那篇东西，一定会砸自己的台。” 如果他是这样说的，结果会怎样可想而知。是的，她知道这样的结果。所以，她换了一种方式来说：“亲爱的，如果这篇演讲词寄给《北美评论》，一定是一篇极好的文章。” 莱曼·阿伯特当然满心欢喜地接受了妻子的意见。你认为他会真的把自己的演讲稿寄给《北美评论》吗？不，阿伯特将他精心准备的底稿撕碎，后来连大纲都不用，很自然地作了演讲。阿伯特的妻子称赞了他的演讲词，同时又很巧妙地暗示丈夫不能用这篇演讲词去演讲。阿伯特当然知道这点，所以他照妻子的意思做了。 通过上面的这些案例我们可以知道，为了劝服别人同时又不伤害别人，你需要间接地指出他人的错误。
我之前说过，我现在已经不像以前那样确信许多东西了。这并不是悲观的论调，只是我现在能够更加客观地认识一些东西，不再像以前那样从狭隘的个人经验、个人知识、个人信仰和个人立场来看事物。但是很多时候，一些人还是在确信许多我以前确认、现在却怀疑的东西。想到这一点，我就会感到十分焦急。 有位号称“双枪”的杀人魔王科洛雷曾经和他的女友开车在一条乡村公路上兜风，他把汽车停在了马路中央。这时候，警察走过来请他出示驾照。他二话不说，掏出手枪就朝警察射击。当警察已经躺倒在地的时候，科洛雷跳下车，拔出警察的手枪，又对尸体射了一枪。这当然只是科洛雷的种种恶行中的一件，因为他生平杀人无数。 1931年5月7日，警察把科洛雷围在他女友的公寓里，并朝屋内扔了催泪弹，试图把科洛雷从房子里逼出来。但是，即使在一个小时后，科洛雷还蹲在一个沙发后面朝警察开枪。当警察抓获负隅顽抗的科洛雷后，纽约市警察局局长马罗尼发表了公开讲话，他说：“这是一个名副其实的杀人魔王，任何一件小事都会成为他杀人的借口。” 但是科洛雷自己却并不这么认为。他在自己的公开信里这样写道：“没有人知道，我在凶恶的外表下藏着一颗疲惫和善良的心，我并不愿意杀害任何一个人。” 你相信他——这位杀人魔王的话吗？不会的，绝对不会有人相信的。但是他居然觉得自己没有什么错，难道是他故意为自己辩解吗？no.因为他从内心就没有意识到自己究竟错在哪里。对于这样的人，你想对他说些什么呢？ 当你们在交谈的时候，常常遇到一些看起来十分顽固的人。这些很顽固的人，换个角度来看的话，我们可以称之为有着坚强信念的人。这些人不会轻易地改变自己的看法，只要是他们认定的事实，如果没有更加确凿、更加有力的证据的话，他们从来不会产生怀疑。 这些人其实和这位科洛雷先生非常地相似。什么，拿他们和这位臭名昭著的杀人魔王对比？是的，请不要怀疑。他们的确有一些共同点的存在，就是同样地固执。只不过科洛雷先生让人看起来更加违反常规。我不想给这些人下评论，不论你有何种性格，“不及”和“过”可能是同样的效果，而对不同的事情而言，这种执着的信念往往会有不同的效果。比如，不应该坚持的东西，你却坚持了，这时候就是你的不对了；而有一些正确的东西，你越坚信它，对你来说就越好。 你确信自己的意见是对的，而别人的意见是错的。但你要让别人认识到这一点却并不是一件很容易的事情。你不能对他说：“事实明明就摆在那里。”这样的话没有多少说服力，因为他也看到了事实，只是每个人看到的事实都是不一样的。但你明明知道他的意见是一种偏见，他是从你认为不正确的角度来看问题的。在这时候，你应该尽量使对方客观地认识事物。这样，他才会真正认识到自己所犯的错误。 我们帮助别人客观地认识事物，首先要知道他是怎么想的，以及是如何得出这一想法的。每个人都会有一定的坚持己见的习惯。他们看问题当然是从自己的经验、自己的立场去作判断，而且认为这是对的。当有人怀疑他的正确性的时候，他会毫不犹豫地为自己的观点进行辩护，除非你能够指出他的致命的缺陷。所以，你必须站在他的立场去考虑问题，并进一步地反驳他。 我通常在规劝或者说服他人去做某一件事情的时候，先停下来想一想“如何才能使他心甘情愿地去做”这个问题。我想以我自己的亲身经历来说明让别人客观地认识事物对于说服一个人的重要性。 我在一开始进行我的讲座的时候，租用了纽约市一家饭店的舞厅作为演讲地点。我的每期培训都需要租用20个晚上。一开始我并不为这件事担心，因为这点租金是我可以承受的数额。但有一次，在新的一轮演讲开始的时候，饭店方面突然打电话告诉我说必须付比以前高3倍的租金。我并不想改变演讲的地点，因为一切准备工作都已经就绪。我打算说服饭店的经理，使他打消这样的念头。我很清楚，他们想的只是自己的利益，但是我相信自己能够说服这位经理。 “你们的通知的确让我很吃惊。”我见到那位经理后，微笑着对他说，“但是我这次来并不是想责怪你。我知道，如果我是你，我也会这么做的。因为不这样做的话，饭店的利益就要受损，而你将会被辞退。那么现在，为饭店的利益着想，我们来分析一下这项决定的利与弊。” 我从我的包里拿出一张早就准备好的纸，在纸的中间画了一道线，作为“利”和“弊”的分区。接着，我在“利”的那一边写下“可做他用”，然后跟他解释说：“的确，你们可以把舞厅租给人家，用来跳舞或者开会。毫无疑问，这样肯定会比租给我的价钱要高。而租给我的话，相当于你们损失了很大一笔钱。” 再接着，我在纸的另一边写下“减少收入”和“广告效应”，然后对他解释说：“首先，我因为付不起你们的租金，所以不得不另觅地方，这样一来，你们势必要空出这个舞厅一段时间。相对来说，这比现在算是减少了收入。其次，你们知道，我每次所举办的一系列讲座，都会吸引许多人——包括很多名人到你们饭店来居住，难道你不认为这是最好的广告吗？你们每次需要在报纸上花多少钱打广告呢？如果我猜得不错的话，5000美元应该是必不可少的。而且，这些报纸上的广告的效果也未必有这么大。这对像你们这么大的酒店来说，价值是不是非常大呢？” 最后，我把这张纸交给尚在思考的经理，并且对他说：“为了你们的利益，请认真地考虑一下，然后尽快通知我。”结果已经可以预料：第二天，饭店方面就通知我，我的租金只需要增加50％，并不是之前决定的3倍。 我并不是在这里说明我的做法是多么地高明，我只是想以此来说明，我们在说服他人的时候，是完全可以用更加简单而有效的方法来做到这一点的——让他人客观地认识事物。只要你能够保持理智和冷静，你也可以试着这么去做。
"If you come to me with two fists clenched," President Wilson said, "I'm sorry, I promise I'll make my fists as tight as yours. But if you come to me and say, 'Let's sit down and talk about it, See why we don't agree with each other.' Then we'll soon find out that our differences aren't really that big, we see more or less the same. So if we have the patience to communicate with each other, we can understand each other." The one who appreciates Wilson's wise words most is John Rockefeller Jr. In 1915, Rockefeller was the most despised man in Colorado.The bloodiest strike in American industrial history raged for two years in Colorado, as angry and brutish miners demanded higher wages at the Colorado Coal and Iron Company, now owned by Rockefeller.At the time, properties were destroyed, troops were mobilized, and there was much bloodshed.Striking workers were crushed and shot, and many bodies were battered and battered.In such a hateful situation, Rockefeller wanted to get the strikers to accept him, and he did, using exactly this method. He first spent weeks negotiating with workers and then addressing workers' representatives.The speech was a masterpiece, and it had astonishing effect: it not only appeased the intimidators who wanted Rockefeller to swallow him, but it won him many admirers.He laid out the facts in a very friendly manner and got the strikers back to work without mentioning any more wages.Here is the opening part of that famous speech, and look at the friendly spirit that flows between the lines.You know, those who listened to Rockefeller's speech planned to hang him on a sour apple tree a few days ago.Yet to these people he could not have been more benevolent and friendly, as if addressing a group of preachers.His speech reads as follows: "Today is a memorable day in my life. This is the first time I have been so lucky to meet the labor representatives, employees and supervisors of this great company. From the bottom of my heart, I am honored to be here, and in my Never in my life will I forget this gathering. If it had been two weeks ago, I would have been a stranger to most of you and I've only known a handful of faces. Last week I had the opportunity I visited all the households in the South Mining District, and I talked to almost all the representatives except those who went out. I met your family members, saw your wives and children. We meet here today. We are no longer strangers, but friends ...and it is in this spirit of mutual friendliness that I am fortunate to have this opportunity to discuss with you issues of our mutual concern." "This is a rally attended by company employees and worker representatives. The reason why I can come here is all because of your kindness. Although I am neither a company employee nor a worker representative, I still feel close to you because In a way, I represent both shareholders and directors." If you lose your temper with someone when you are angry, you will certainly feel comfortable, but what will happen to the other party?Can he also share your joy?Can your explosive tone, your hostile attitude, make him agree with you?Isn't the story of John Rockefeller Jr. an ideal example of turning an enemy into a friend?If Rockefeller had used another method, if he had argued with the miners, and brought the facts of the destruction of the mine forcefully to their face; if he had told them suggestively that they were wrong; had he used logic rules to prove them wrong, so what happens?That's bound to fuel more anger, more hatred, and more resistance. About 100 years ago, Lincoln expressed his views on this. He said this: "There's an old adage that 'a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of bile'. It's the same with people. If you're going to convince someone to agree with you, you've got to convince him that you're his true friend .It is like a drop of honey, win his heart with a drop of honey, then you can make him walk on the road of reason." If a man has a bad opinion of you and is dissatisfied with you because he is at odds with you, you will not be able to convince him of you by any means.Scolding parents, tough bosses and husbands, and nagging wives should understand that people don't want to change their minds, and they can't be forced or forced to agree with you or me.But if we are gentle and kind—very gentle, very kind—we can lead them to be in line with us. Daniel West is good looking, an eloquent and very accomplished defense attorney.He has a knack for expressing his strong points in court in kind and gentle terms.There is no coercion or high-pressure means, and he never imposes his opinions on others.West is famous for his soft-spoken and serene friendliness in his defense. Of course many people will never face and regulate a strike wave, or speak to a jury, but you might want your landlord to reduce your rent.Then, this kind approach will also be of great help to you. There was an engineer in my class named Staber, who was struggling for a while, so he wanted his rent to be reduced.But he knew that the landlord is a very difficult person, "Nevertheless, I still want to try." Sdebo said in a speech in class, "So I wrote him a letter. Inform the landlord, the contract When the term is over, I will move out immediately. But in fact, I didn't want to move out at that time. If the rent can be reduced, I would like to continue to live in it, but it seems that this is not possible. Other tenants have also tried various methods- —including warnings and even intimidation—everybody told me that landlords are hard to deal with. But, I said to myself, I’m learning how to deal with people, so I’m going to try it on him and see if it works.” As soon as Staber's landlord received his letter, he and his secretary found him.Staples stood at the door to welcome the landlord, full of kindness and enthusiasm.At the beginning of the conversation, Staber did not talk about the high rent, but emphasized how much he liked his house.Stable praised the landlord for his management and said that he would like to live for another year, but he really couldn't afford the expensive rent. "He obviously had never seen a tenant so enthusiastic about him, and he simply didn't know what to do." Sdeber described the scene at that time.Next, the landlord began to complain to Staple, complaining about the tenants, saying that one of them had written him 14 letters, which were too insulting to him.Another tenant threatened to quit the lease if the upstairs tenant couldn't be stopped from snoring. "It's such a relief to have a satisfied tenant like you!" the landlord praised Stable. Of course, the final result is satisfactory.The landlord offered to reduce some of the rent before Staber made a request. "But it's still a relatively high number." Sdeber said what he could afford, and the landlord agreed without saying anything.When he left, he turned around and asked, "Is there anything I want to decorate for you?" "If I had used the same methods that other tenants have used to force the landlord to reduce the rent, I am sure I would have encountered the same difficulties as them. This kind, sympathetic, and appreciative approach has brought me to my own Purpose." If a person can realize that a friendly way can better improve the interpersonal relationship around him, then he will also show a gentle and friendly attitude in his daily words and deeds.Violent and rude methods can never win good popularity, only friendly methods can conquer the hearts of others.
Debates can only result in defeat, never victory.Even if you appear to be victorious, in reality it is indistinguishable from defeat.Because even if you beat the opponent in the debate, refute the opponent to pieces, and even accuse the opponent of insanity, what will happen to the result?You are naturally very quick, and you are naturally very happy, but the other party will feel inferior.You hurt his self-esteem, and he will resent you.That's the point I'm going to make in this section. I learned an extremely important lesson in London shortly after World War II.At that time, I was the manager of the Australian aviator James.During and shortly after the war, James became a figure in the world's attention.One evening, I was at a banquet in honor of James.During the dinner, a gentleman sitting on my right told us a witty story, which just confirmed such a maxim: "Man makes things happen, but God makes things happen." However, the source of this sentence, the Mr. misremembered. He pointed out that the line was from the Bible, and I happened to know that it was from Shakespeare.So, in order to show my superiority, I corrected him obnoxiously and without scruple.But the man insisted on his statement: "What? That sentence comes from Shakespeare? Impossible, absolutely impossible." He was very confident and insisted on his statement. Sitting to my left at the time was my old friend Gammon, an expert on Shakespeare.We let Garmon decide who of us is right.Gammon kicked me under the table and said, "Carnegie, you're wrong, it's actually from the Bible." After the banquet we went home together.I blamed Gammon and said, "You know that the sentence came from Shakespeare, why do you still say I'm wrong?" "Yes, that's all right," said Garmon. "It's from Shakespeare's Hamlet, Act V, Scene 2. But Carnegie, we're all guests at this party, why do we have to find a evidence, to accuse others of their mistakes? Will you make others feel good about you? Why can’t you save him a little face? He doesn’t want to ask for your opinion, and he doesn’t want to know what you think, and you Why argue with him? You should never confront anyone head-on!" "Never have a direct conflict with others", the person who said this sentence is no longer in this world, but I will always remember this sentence.This lesson shocked me greatly.I used to be an opinionated person, and I liked to argue with people since I was a child.When I was in college, I was very interested in logic and debate, and I often participated in various debate competitions.Later, I taught debate classes in New York and even planned to write a book on debate.Now, when I think about these things, I feel utterly ashamed.Since that day, I have listened to thousands of debates, paying close attention to the aftermath of each debate.I have come to a conclusion, and it is also a truth: there is only one way in the world to gain the greatest victory in debate, and that is to avoid debate as much as possible, just as you avoid poisonous snakes and rabid dogs. I've also found that after a debate, nine times out of ten, each person still sticks to his or her point of view, believing that they are absolutely right.You can't win an argument!If you lose, of course you lose; but even if you win, you still lose.Why?So what if you beat the other side, and prove him useless by shattering his body or riddling him with holes?You may be elated, but he resents your victory for being humiliated. "Even if a person admits defeat verbally, he is not convinced at all in his heart." Many years ago, Mr. Harry, a feisty Irishman, attended my tutoring class.He has little education, but he loves to argue!He had worked as a car driver for others.Later, he switched to selling trucks, but was not very successful, so he came to me for help.I questioned him a little, and it became apparent that he was always arguing with and offending his customers.If a buyer is critical of the car he is selling, he will be furious and argue loudly with the other party until the other party is rendered speechless. He did win quite a few arguments back then.He later told me, "Whenever I walk out of someone's office, I say to myself, 'I've finally taught that guy a lesson.' I did tell him, but I didn't sell anything." So my first challenge was not just to teach Harry how to talk to people, but my immediate task was to train him how to refrain from talking and get into an argument.Mr. Harry is now a star salesman for the White Motor Company in New York.How did he succeed?Here is his own account of what happened: "Suppose I walk into a customer's office now, and he says, 'What? White cars? They're not very good! You give them to me for free, and I don't want them. I'll just buy so-and-so.' And I say,' Listen to me, man, that's a really nice car, and you can't go wrong buying one. That company has solid cars, and they've got great salesmen." "So he has nothing to say. He has no room to argue with me. If he says that such-and-such is the best car, and I say it is, then he has to shut up. Now that I agree His opinion, and of course he couldn't keep saying 'so-and-so' is the best car all afternoon. So we stopped talking about so-and-so and I started to tell him about the virtues of White's cars. "If I had heard him say that in my day, I would have lost my temper. I would have quarreled with him immediately, picking on such-and-such a car. And the more critical I belittled it, the harder my customer would defend it. The more I defended like this, the more I believed and liked my competitor's product. Looking back now, I really don't know how many things I could sell in my life. I spent a lot of time in my life talking to others .Now my silence is very effective.” As the wise Benjamin Franklin used to say: "If you are competitive, if you enjoy arguing and refuting others for fun, you may win a moment of victory, but such victories are meaningless and worthless, because you will never have Get the favor of the other party." So, you should carefully consider: would you rather have a superficial victory with no real meaning, or hope to gain someone's favor?You know, you can't have it both ways. Bath Mutual Life Insurance Company has this rule for their employees: don't argue.They believe that a good salesman will not argue with customers, even if it disagrees with the most common opinions, it should be avoided as much as possible.Because people's thinking is not easy to change. Madhu, who served as Secretary of the Treasury during President Wilson's tenure, told people a lesson from his years of political experience: "We can never use arguments to convince an ignorant person." And if I have to say it, I think you Don't try to use debate to change anyone's opinion, not just the ignorant. Mr. Parsons, an income tax consultant, once argued for an hour with a government tax inspector over a $9,000 account.Payson's opinion is that no income tax should be levied on other people, because it is a bad debt that can never be recovered.And the inspector thinks the tax must be paid.Payson told the workshop what happened afterwards: "He is indifferent, arrogant, and stubborn. Reasoning with this kind of person is like talking nonsense. The more I argue with him, the more stubborn he is. Later, I decided not to continue arguing with him, so I changed the subject and continued. I praised him a few words. 'Since you have dealt with many similar problems,' I said to him, 'this problem must be a piece of cake for you. Although I have also studied taxation, it is only on paper. Of course, you know that these require practical experience. To be honest, I am very envious of you having such a position, and this time has benefited me a lot.'” "Of course, I told him the truth. The inspector straightened up and began to talk about his work, and told a lot about the fraud cases he handled. His tone gradually calmed down, and then he said To his own family and children. Before leaving, he told me that he planned to go back and think about this issue again. Three days later, he came to see me and said that the tax was handled according to the terms of the tax item, and no more would be collected.” There is such a weakness in human nature that everyone wants to be recognized by others.When Parson argues with him, he appears authoritative, hoping to build up his self-esteem, and when Parson agrees with him, he immediately becomes a kind, compassionate person, and naturally Stop arguing. "Hate can never stop hate, only love can stop hate." Therefore, misunderstandings cannot be resolved by arguments, but must be resolved by using certain diplomacy and the approval of others. Once, Lincoln once reprimanded an officer who quarreled with his colleagues: "A man who has achieved great things should not argue with others everywhere, nor should he spend a lot of time arguing with others. Pointless arguments will not only damage your education , and will make you lose self-control, try to be as humble as possible to others. Instead of blocking a dog, it is better to let it take a step first. Because if you are bitten by a dog, even if you kill the dog, it will not cure you. Heal your wound." Lincoln's words should also become the criterion of your actions!
Recently I met a famous botanist at a dinner party given by the famous publisher Glebe in New York.I've never talked to a botanist before, but I find him extremely alluring.I have been sitting in a chair, quietly listening to him introduce marijuana, the great botanist Bolbon, and indoor flowers and plants.He also told me many amazing facts about cheap potatoes.Since I have a small indoor garden of my own, I often have some problems, so he was very enthusiastic to tell me how to solve my problems. As I have said, we are at a banquet.There were, of course, a dozen other guests, but I violated the usual protocol by not noticing the others, and talked for hours with the botanist.In the middle of the night, when I was saying goodbye to everyone, the botanist turned to the host and praised me, saying: "Mr. Carnegie is really a most inspiring person." One way is this way, one way I am that way... In short, he concluded that I was a "most charming talker". I?A charismatic talker?But I said very little in this conversation.In fact, even if I were asked to do so, I could say nothing if I did not change the subject, for I am as ignorant of botany as I am of animal anatomy. But notice that I have managed to listen carefully to what he has to say.I listened intently because I was genuinely interested.Of course, he was aware of this too, and it obviously pleased him. A similar story also happened in another party of mine.That time, I was invited to a bridge party.Since I don't know how to play bridge, I sit on the side.It just so happened that I was surrounded by a beautiful lady who couldn't play bridge when she learned that I had been Mr. Lowell Thomas's personal assistant before he went into radio broadcasting, and that I had traveled with him all over Europe, by When I came to give him the lively travel talk that was about to be broadcast, she exclaimed happily: "Ah! Mr. Carnegie, can you tell me about the tourist attractions you have seen?" So we sat down on the sofa.She told me that she and her husband had recently returned from a trip to Africa. "Africa," I said, "this is a very interesting place! I've always wanted to see Africa, but I've never been anywhere except a day in Algeria. Tell me, have you been to the Beast Haunted country? Isn't it? You are so lucky! I really envy you! Can you tell me about Africa!" As a result, our conversation lasted 45 minutes.The lady stopped asking me where I had been or what I had seen.In fact, she didn't really want to hear me talk about my travels, all she wanted was a genuine listener who would take the opportunity to expand her sense of self-esteem by telling about the places she'd been. Is it special for her to do this?No, in fact, many people are like this.For example, Woodford writes in his book "People in Love": "Few people can resist the kind of careful listening with compliments." And I went further than that.I told the botanist that I had been treated with the utmost care and guidance, and indeed I felt.I told him that I really wish I had his knowledge, and I do.I also told him that I wished to go roaming in the fields with him, which was my true wish.I also told him that I had to see him again - I really had to see him again.That is why the botanist thought I was a good talker.But I was really just a good listener and encouraged him to talk. A few years ago, I was a guest at the home of a woman, now a grandma, who told me how she was appreciated by men for being a good listener.she said to me: "Mr. Carnegie, I'm going to tell you something that I've never told anyone, not even my husband. "I was born into a very poor family in Philadelphia, and the greatest tragedy of my childhood and youth was that I was poor. I couldn't have as much entertainment as other girls, and my clothes were never the best materials, plus I grew up so fast that my clothes never fit and they weren't in fashion. I always felt ashamed and wronged, and ended up crying myself to sleep. Finally, out of desperation, I came up with a solution , That is, every time I attend a dinner party, I always ask my male partner to tell me his own past experiences, some of his opinions, and his plans for the future. "I didn't do it because I was particularly interested in what he had to say; I did it because I didn't want him to notice that I was wearing ugly clothes. But something strange happened very quickly, when I heard these young people talk to As I talked and got to know them better, I really started to take an interest in what they had to say. Sometimes I was so interested that I forgot how I was dressed. But the thing that surprised me the most, was Because I can listen to other people's conversations, and I can encourage those boys to talk about themselves, which makes them very happy, so I gradually became the most popular girl in our place, and finally 3 boys came to propose to me .” If you are good at listening to others, you will become a master of speech and become the most popular person.This is not enough, known as the "secret secret" in business talks, it is also "listen to the person who is speaking to you attentively".As for successful business dealings, there is no mystery, and there is nothing more satisfying than that. The truth is obvious, isn't it?You don't have to go to Harvard to understand this truth.But you and I also know this situation: Some businessmen rent luxurious storefronts to do business, and the design of the windows is also in place, which can completely move people's hearts. Know to be a listener.These waiters will even interrupt the conversation of customers, refute their views, irritate them, and some even drive customers out. Walton bought a suit at a department store in Newark, New Jersey, near the ocean.But after he put on this suit, he was very disappointed, because the jacket was faded and his shirt collar was blackened.So Mr. Walton took the suit back to the mall, found the salesman, and told him about it.But before he could finish speaking, he was interrupted by the other party. "We've sold thousands of sets of these clothes," the salesperson retorted. "You're the first to find fault." That's what the salesman said, and the tone of his voice sounded more unbearable than that.His gunpowder-smelling voice seemed to say, "You're lying. You're trying to bully us, aren't you? Well, I'll show you some color." While the two were arguing, another salesperson joined in."All black clothes fade at first, it's only natural," he said. "At this price, of course it will. It's the paint." "By this point I couldn't stand it any longer, and I was furious," said Mr. Walton. "The first clerk doubted my honesty; the second implied that I had bought a cheap item. I was annoyed then." I was about to scold them when the sales manager walked in. Obviously, he understood the importance of his position, and it was he who completely changed my attitude from an annoyed customer to a A satisfied customer." How did he do it? "He first listened quietly to my story from the beginning to the end without interjecting a word. After I finished speaking, the two salesmen wanted to express their opinions again, but the manager stood in my position and refuted Not only did he point out that my collar was clearly stained by the suit, but he insisted that if the item did not satisfy the customer, it should not be sold in their store. Finally, he admitted that he did not know the cause of the problem and was frank about the I said 'What do you want me to do with this suit? Whatever you say we can do.' "A few minutes ago, I would have wanted them to keep that suit to themselves, but now I reply 'I just want to hear from you. I want to know if this is a temporary situation or if there is no solution .' So he suggested that I wear this suit for another week. He said, 'If you are still not satisfied by then, we will definitely replace you with one that you are satisfied with. We are very sorry for causing you trouble.' "I walked out of the store satisfied. A week later there was nothing wrong with the suit and my anger at that store was completely gone. "You see, the reason why the manager became the sales manager is because he knows the art of speaking. As for his two subordinate employees, I think they should stay in the status of sales staff for life. Oh, no , they should be relegated to the packaging department and never deal with customers." This is why the same problem, solved by different people, has different results.The crux of the problem lies in whether you are the other party's loyal audience. Critical people, even the most vehement critics, often soften in the presence of a patient and sympathetic listener.When the enraged provocateur opens his mouth to bite like a serpent, the listener should remain silent and only listen attentively to what he has to say. A few years ago, the New York Telephone Company had to find a way to appease a customer who cursed at an operator.He was really cursing.He cursed hysterically, even threatening to knock down the phone line.Not only did he refuse to pay certain charges as unreasonable, he wrote letters to various newspapers, he made numerous complaints to the Public Service Commission, and he sued the phone company in court several times.In the end, the phone company sent an experienced mediator to see the troublemaker. After the mediator arrived at the customer's home, he didn't say anything, just listened to him quietly.No matter what the other party said, he listened quietly.The phone company mediator listened intently and repeatedly said yes, sympathizing with his grievances. “He continued to speak without hesitation. I listened in silence for nearly three hours,” the mediator said, describing his experience in my training class. “I went to him many times afterwards, and listened quietly to him again. I met him 4 times in total and by the end of my 4th visit I was a lead member of an organization he was starting. He called it 'Telephone Users The Society for the Protection of Rights'. I am still a member of this organization. However, besides this old gentleman, I am the only member of his organization, so far as I know." "Then," said the mediator, "during several visits, I listened to him and agreed with everything he said. No one from the phone company had ever talked to him like I did before. made him almost friendly. When I visited him the first time, I didn't mention the purpose of seeing him. On the second and third times, I didn't mention my purpose. But on the fourth time, I brought this matter to a happy ending - the old gentleman paid all the bills owed and got him to withdraw his complaint to the Public Service Commission for the first time since fighting the phone company." Apparently, this old gentleman thinks he is fighting for the common good and protecting the rights of the public from being deprived, but he is actually pursuing a sense of self-respect.He first gained this sense of self-esteem by picking and complaining, and once he got the sense of self-respect from the telephone company representative, all his unreal grievances disappeared immediately. So, if you want to be a good talker, you must first be a good listener.It’s easy to do this by asking people questions they like to answer and encouraging them to talk about themselves and what they’ve accomplished.
Where I was living was almost in the center of New York City, but there was a forest within a minute's walk from my house.I often take my Boston pug Rex for a walk in the garden. He is a gentle dog. Since he rarely meets people in the garden, he is not given a leash or a muzzle. One day we met a policeman on horseback in the park—a policeman who seemed to be asserting his authority. "What do you mean by letting that dog run around in the garden without a muzzle and a leash?" He asked me, "Don't you know that's against the law?" "Yes, I know it's against the law," I replied softly, "but I don't think it can do any harm here." "You can't! You can't! The law doesn't care what you think. That dog may hurt a squirrel, or bite a child. Well, this time I'll let you go, but if I catch the dog here again without a muzzle cage, don't wear a leash, and you're going to have to speak to the judge." I humbly promised to obey his order. And I did actually do it a few times, but Ricks didn't seem to like the gag, and neither did I, so we decided to take our chances.Everything was fine at first, but then we ran into trouble.One afternoon Rex and I jumped over a hill, and suddenly I saw the authority of the law again—the policeman on horseback.Rex was running ahead, heading for the policeman. I knew there was nothing I could do, so I pre-empted the police before they started talking.I said, "Officer, you caught me on the spot. I broke the law. I have no excuses. I have no excuses. You warned me last week that if I bring a dog here again without a muzzle, you will be punished." I." "Oh," said the policeman in a soft voice, "I know it's tempting to let a puppy run around here when there's no one around." "That's a real temptation," I replied, "but it's against the law." "A puppy like that can't hurt anyone," the police officer said in his defense. "No, but it might hurt the squirrels," I said. "Oh, now, I think you're taking it too seriously," he told me, "and I'll tell you what to do, you just make it run over the mound so I can't see it—and we forget about it Never mind." Like normal people, this Mr. Cop wants a sense of self-respect, so when I start blaming myself, the only way to increase his self-esteem is to be magnanimous to me.But what if I defend myself? I didn't argue with him head-on, I admitted that he was absolutely right and I was absolutely wrong, and I admitted it readily, frankly, and sincerely.I speak for him, and he speaks for me in turn.And only a week before, this policeman had threatened me with legal sanctions. If we know we're going to be blamed, why don't we preemptively admit our mistakes?Isn't it better to blame yourself than to be blamed by others? President George Washington displayed many fine qualities at an early age.There are many fruit trees in his family's plantation.Once, George's father, Mr. Washington, bought a good cherry tree from across the ocean.Mr. Washington loved this cherry tree very much. He planted it beside the orchard and told everyone on the farm to take good care of it and not let anyone touch it. 一天，华盛顿先生交给乔治一把锋利的小斧子，让他去清理杂树，然后自己就出去了。乔治十分高兴自己拥有一把锋利的小斧子，拿着它在种植园中乱砍杂树。可能是因为太高兴了，他一不小心就砍倒了那棵樱桃树。 那天傍晚，华盛顿先生忙完农事，把马牵回马棚，然后来果园看他的樱桃树，没想到，自己心爱的树居然被砍倒在地。他问了所有人，但谁都说不知道。就在这时，乔治恰巧从旁边经过。 “乔治，”父亲用生气的口吻高声喊道，“你知道是谁把我的樱桃树砍死了吗？” 乔治看到父亲如此愤怒，他意识到是自己的一时冲动闯了祸。他哼哼唧唧了一会儿，但很快恢复了神志。“我不能说谎，”他说，“爸爸，是我用斧子砍的。” 华盛顿先生这时候已经冷静了下来，他问乔治：“告诉我，乔治，你为什么要砍死那棵树？” “当时我正在玩，没想到……”乔治回答道。 华盛顿先生把手放在孩子肩上。“看着我，”他说道，“失去了一棵树，我当然很难过，但我同时也很高兴，因为你鼓足勇气向我说了实话。我宁愿要一个勇敢诚实的孩子，也不愿拥有一个种满枝叶繁茂的樱桃树的果园。一定要记住这一点，儿子。” 乔治·华盛顿从未忘记这一点。他一直像小时候那样勇敢、受人尊敬，直至生命结束。 我们中的大多数人都像乔治·华盛顿一样，从小就被教育要诚实，但很遗憾的是，我们中的大多数人已经做不到这一点了。当然，我们可以找出各种理由来为自己辩解，来使自己能够既撒谎又心安理得。在多数情况下，我们为了维护自己的尊严，或者出于自我保护而拒绝承认自己的错误，即使承认错误不会给我们带来任何惩罚——拒绝承认错误好像成为了一种下意识的行为，就算我们并不清楚是为什么。 这是一种可怕的行为。如果你确认自己犯了错误，唯一能做的就是承认它。这并不会给你带来多么严重的后果。愚蠢的人总会想办法为自己的错误辩解或者掩饰，而聪明的人却恰恰相反，他们通常会毫不掩饰地承认自己的错误，因为这会给他带来更多的东西。 一个有勇气承认自己错误的人，也可以得到某种满足感。这不仅只是消除罪恶感和自我辩护的气氛，而且有利于解决实质性问题。在纽约的一家汽车维修店里，曾经发生过一件勇敢地承认自己错误的事情。 布鲁士新进这家维修店不久，就因为热情的工作态度得到了老板和同事们的一致好评。 但是有一天，布鲁士由于一时大意，把一台价值5000美元的汽车发动机以2500美元的价格卖给了一位顾客。同事们给他出主意，让他立即追回那位顾客：如果追不回，还可以私下里垫上这2500美元。可是布鲁士觉得这些方法都不好，他决定向老板承认错误。那些同事阻止他，认为他这么做简直太蠢了，因为这会导致他失去这份工作。但是布鲁士却坚持自己的意见。 布鲁士拿着一个装了钱的信封来到了老板的办公室。“对不起，布朗先生，”布鲁士说道，“今天，由于个人的原因，我犯了一个很大的错误，使维修店损失了2500美元。我为我犯了这样的错误而感到羞耻，并打算辞去这份工作。在走之前，我打算把这笔损失补上。这是我的2500美元赔款，请您收下。” 老板听后，沉默了一会儿，然后对布鲁士说：“你真的打算这么做吗？” “是的，布朗先生，”布鲁士回答道，“我把发动机的价格搞错了，确实是我犯下了这个错误，因此只有我自己来承担这个责任。我本来可以去找那位顾客，但是这样会损害维修店的声誉。而我对这件事情负有全部的责任。因此，我只能这么做。” 布鲁士这种勇敢承认自己错误的行为打动了老板。他知道，任何人都会犯错误，关键是要有承认和改正自己错误的勇气。所以，老板并没有批准布鲁士辞职，而是给了他更大的发展空间，也更加器重他，而布鲁士则因为勇敢地承认自己的错误而获得了比500美元多得多的东西。 很多人也会为自己的错误做辩护——而且大多数愚蠢的人也正是这样做的。而敢于承认自己错误的人，都会获得别人的谅解，给人以谦恭而高尚的印象。 艾伯·赫巴是一位全国（指美国）都为之敬仰的最有创造性的作家，他的讽刺性文字常引起别人强烈的反感。但是，赫巴却常常用他那罕有的待人处世技巧，变仇敌为朋友。例如，当一些恼怒的读者写信来表示不同意他的某篇文章，并在末尾痛骂他一顿时，赫巴就会这样回答对方： “细想起来，我自己也不完全同意我自己。我昨天所写的东西，今天我也不一定全都满意。我很高兴知道你对这类问题的看法，如果下次你到附近来的时候，欢迎大驾光临，我们可以相互交流，遥祝平安。” 面对一个如此待你的人，你还能说什么？当我们是对的时候，我们要温和、巧妙地使别人赞同我们；当我们是错的时候，我们要迅速而诚挚地承认我们的错误。这不但能产生惊人的效果，而且在许多情形之下，要远远胜过你为自己辩护。 史狄芬是一家裁缝店的老板，由于他经营有道，裁缝店的生意很好。一天，一位叫哈里斯的贵妇人来到店里，要求赶做一套晚礼服。史狄芬做完礼服之后，却发现礼服的袖子比要求的长了半寸。不幸的是，他已经没有时间再进行修改了，因为哈里斯太太规定的时间已经到了。 当哈里斯太太来到店里取她的晚礼服的时候，她并没有发现有什么问题。她试穿上晚礼服，发现它为自己平添了许多气质，于是连连称赞史狄芬的高超手艺。不料，等她试完之后打算按照原定的价格付钱时，史狄芬却拒绝接受。于是，哈里斯太太问他为什么。 “太太，”史狄芬说，“我之所以不能收你的钱，是因为我犯了一个很大的错误——我把你的晚礼服的袖子做长了半寸。我很抱歉，我希望你能够原谅我。如果你能够给我一点时间的话，我将免费为你把它做成你需要的尺寸。” 哈里斯太太听完后，一再强调她对这件礼服很满意，而且并不在乎袖子长那么半寸。但是，她却无法说服史狄芬接受这套礼服的钱，最后，她只得让步。 哈里斯太太回去对她的丈夫说：“史狄芬以后一定会出名的，他认真的工作、精湛的技术、诚恳的态度使我坚信这一点。” 事实果然如此，史狄芬后来成为了世界有名的服装设计师。 不要忘记了这句智慧之语：“用争斗的方法，你永远不会得到满足；但用让步的方法，你的收获将比你期望的更多。”这个道理人人都懂，只是实行起来有一些困难罢了。我想要强调的是，如果你确实想要成功，成为一位说话高手，请记住第二项修炼：如果你错了，就一定要迅速而坦诚地承认自己的错误。
一天，查尔斯·史考伯经过自己的钢铁厂的时候，撞见几个工人正围在一起抽烟。他们显然忘记了公司禁止吸烟的明文规定，或者像很多犯错误的人一样存在侥幸心理。史考伯先生应该把他们揪出来，然后狠狠地批评他们吗？或者把那块“禁止吸烟”的牌子指给他们看？这都只会让对方感到难堪，并且对史考伯产生怨恨。只见他不动声色地走上前去，发给他们每个人一支雪茄，并对他们说：“我们到外面抽去。” 这些工人当然不会跟着史考伯一起出去抽烟，而是对他说：“啊，我们忘记公司禁止吸烟的规定了。请你原谅。”然后赶快回到他们的工作岗位上去了。当然，我们能够体会到他们心里的那种复杂的感觉：既为犯了错误而感到自责，又为没有受到惩罚或指责而感到庆幸，同时对史考伯先生也越发尊敬。他们以后一定不会犯同样的错误了。 当你发现对方犯了一个很明显的错误时，为了使对方能够尽快地改正，于是你好心地对他说：“看，约翰，你刚才说的有这样一个错误……”你满以为他会感激你，但是结果却让你很意外，甚至让你感到不可理喻——他坚决不承认自己犯了错误，更不用说感激你了。 你没有必要因此而责备对方，这种事情太常见了，几乎每个人都会有这样的毛病。当别人指出自己的错误，尤其是直截了当地指出的时候，一般人似乎都受不了。他会因此而产生一种让人觉得不可思议的强大的力量，正是这种力量迫使他拒绝接受你的批评或指正，即使他明明知道你是为他着想的。 心理学家指出，这种强大的力量中有很大一部分是自我认同感在起作用。当自己所相信的东西被怀疑或否定之后，每个人都会产生一种焦虑，感到自己的自尊被伤害了，甚至感到自己的安全已经没有了保障。结果是，他会本能地拒绝承认自己的错误，即使他可能认为你说的是对的。因此，当你想要说服一个人，让他明白自己的错误的时候，千万不要直接指出对方的错误。 我相信，直接指出对方的错误，实际上就是在批评对方。任何人都不喜欢被他人批评，即使他明白自己确实做错了，但是人们却往往做这样的蠢事。在我们身边经常会遇到一些比较烦心的事情困扰着我们，但是很多时候只要我们换种表达方式，也许就能轻易地达到我们的目的。 马吉·嘉可布太太请了几位技术非常好的工人加盖房子。头几天，他们总是把院子弄得乱七八糟，到处都有木屑。一次，等他们结束了一天的工作后，聪明的嘉可布太太不露声色地叫来她的孩子们，和他们一起把木屑处理干净，堆到院子的角落里。第二天，工人们来的时候，她非常高兴地对工人们说：“你们昨天把院子打扫干净了，我非常高兴。老实说，这简直比我们以前的院子还要干净。” 听到这些话后，那些工人十分高兴，以后都把木屑堆在了院子的角落。试想一下，如果嘉可布太太摆出一副雇主的姿态，那些工人会怎么样呢？他们会毫不犹豫地换另外一份活儿的，因为像他们这么优秀的建筑工人毕竟很少。 从上面两个例子的结果来看，间接地指出对方的错误是十分正确的。采用温和的语气，间接地指出别人的错误，这样就不会引起对方的反感。 确实，我们只要在指出对方错误的同时，注意维护对方的自尊，就容易收到很好的效果。这是十分符合人的本性的——正因为我们没有办法改变人性的弱点，所以只有使自己所做的事情符合人性。那些聪明的人总是会想方设法这么去做，因为他们知道这样做的效果比直接指出对方的错误要好得多。 一些大公司或者机构的上层人物一般人通常很难见到，其中的部分原因固然是他们很忙，但是那些下属的“过滤”也是一个重要的原因：他们不愿意他们的上司被打扰，因此帮上司挡掉了许多看起来不那么重要的客人。这对那些上层人物来说并不一定就是好事，卡尔·佛朗在当佛罗里达州奥兰多市的市长的时候，就曾经遇到过这样的麻烦。 他奉行的是“门户开放”政策。当时他规定，市民如果有事的话就可以直接来见他。但是，那些造访的市民却常常被工作人员挡在门外。后来，为了圆满地解决这个问题，聪明的市长想出了一个高招儿：他叫人把他办公室的门给拆了。这样，他相当于在明白无误地告诉工作人员不要再阻挡那些造访者了。另一方面，他用行动暗示了工作人员的错误，但并没有直接指出来，这就给他们保留了自尊。 美国陆军第542分校的士官长哈雷·凯塞在带预备役军官时，他面临着一个军队中普遍存在的问题。What's the problem?在预备役军人和正规军训练人员之间，最大的差异就是理发，因为预备役军人认为自己只是老百姓，因此他们非常不愿意把头发剪短。如何解决这个问题呢？按照以前正规军的士官长一样，他可以向他的部队怒吼几声，或威胁他们。但他不愿这样做。 他这样说道：“各位先生们，你们都是领导。当你以身教导时，那是最有效不过的办法了。你必须为你所领导的人做个榜样。你们应该了解军队对理发的规定。今天我也要去理发，而我的头发却比某些人的头发要短得多了。你们不妨对着镜子看看，如果你要做个榜样的话，是不是该要理发了？我们会帮你安排时间去营区理发部理发。” 结果是可以预料的。有几个人自动去镜子前看了看，然后下午去理发部按规定理了发。次日早晨，凯塞士官长讲评时说，他已经看到在队伍中有些人已经具备了领导者的气质。 1887年3月8日，美国最富有口才的牧师、演说家亨利·华德·毕切尔去世了。在下一个星期日，莱曼·阿伯特应邀向那些因毕切尔去世而伤心不已的牧师演讲。他急于取得成功，把演讲词改了又改，并像福楼拜一样过分小心地进行润饰。然后他将演讲词读给他妻子听，但是演讲词写得并不很好，真的很糟糕。但是如果他妻子缺乏见识，她可能会这样说：“莱曼，糟极了，绝对不能用。你会让那些听众都睡着的，那听起来像一本百科全书。你传道这么多年，应该能写得更好。天啊！你为什么不像一个普通人那样去讲呢？你为什么不自然点儿？你如果念那篇东西，一定会砸自己的台。” 如果他是这样说的，结果会怎样可想而知。是的，她知道这样的结果。所以，她换了一种方式来说：“亲爱的，如果这篇演讲词寄给《北美评论》，一定是一篇极好的文章。” 莱曼·阿伯特当然满心欢喜地接受了妻子的意见。你认为他会真的把自己的演讲稿寄给《北美评论》吗？不，阿伯特将他精心准备的底稿撕碎，后来连大纲都不用，很自然地作了演讲。阿伯特的妻子称赞了他的演讲词，同时又很巧妙地暗示丈夫不能用这篇演讲词去演讲。阿伯特当然知道这点，所以他照妻子的意思做了。 通过上面的这些案例我们可以知道，为了劝服别人同时又不伤害别人，你需要间接地指出他人的错误。
我之前说过，我现在已经不像以前那样确信许多东西了。这并不是悲观的论调，只是我现在能够更加客观地认识一些东西，不再像以前那样从狭隘的个人经验、个人知识、个人信仰和个人立场来看事物。但是很多时候，一些人还是在确信许多我以前确认、现在却怀疑的东西。想到这一点，我就会感到十分焦急。 有位号称“双枪”的杀人魔王科洛雷曾经和他的女友开车在一条乡村公路上兜风，他把汽车停在了马路中央。这时候，警察走过来请他出示驾照。他二话不说，掏出手枪就朝警察射击。当警察已经躺倒在地的时候，科洛雷跳下车，拔出警察的手枪，又对尸体射了一枪。这当然只是科洛雷的种种恶行中的一件，因为他生平杀人无数。 1931年5月7日，警察把科洛雷围在他女友的公寓里，并朝屋内扔了催泪弹，试图把科洛雷从房子里逼出来。但是，即使在一个小时后，科洛雷还蹲在一个沙发后面朝警察开枪。当警察抓获负隅顽抗的科洛雷后，纽约市警察局局长马罗尼发表了公开讲话，他说：“这是一个名副其实的杀人魔王，任何一件小事都会成为他杀人的借口。” 但是科洛雷自己却并不这么认为。他在自己的公开信里这样写道：“没有人知道，我在凶恶的外表下藏着一颗疲惫和善良的心，我并不愿意杀害任何一个人。” 你相信他——这位杀人魔王的话吗？不会的，绝对不会有人相信的。但是他居然觉得自己没有什么错，难道是他故意为自己辩解吗？no.因为他从内心就没有意识到自己究竟错在哪里。对于这样的人，你想对他说些什么呢？ 当你们在交谈的时候，常常遇到一些看起来十分顽固的人。这些很顽固的人，换个角度来看的话，我们可以称之为有着坚强信念的人。这些人不会轻易地改变自己的看法，只要是他们认定的事实，如果没有更加确凿、更加有力的证据的话，他们从来不会产生怀疑。 这些人其实和这位科洛雷先生非常地相似。什么，拿他们和这位臭名昭著的杀人魔王对比？是的，请不要怀疑。他们的确有一些共同点的存在，就是同样地固执。只不过科洛雷先生让人看起来更加违反常规。我不想给这些人下评论，不论你有何种性格，“不及”和“过”可能是同样的效果，而对不同的事情而言，这种执着的信念往往会有不同的效果。比如，不应该坚持的东西，你却坚持了，这时候就是你的不对了；而有一些正确的东西，你越坚信它，对你来说就越好。 你确信自己的意见是对的，而别人的意见是错的。但你要让别人认识到这一点却并不是一件很容易的事情。你不能对他说：“事实明明就摆在那里。”这样的话没有多少说服力，因为他也看到了事实，只是每个人看到的事实都是不一样的。但你明明知道他的意见是一种偏见，他是从你认为不正确的角度来看问题的。在这时候，你应该尽量使对方客观地认识事物。这样，他才会真正认识到自己所犯的错误。 我们帮助别人客观地认识事物，首先要知道他是怎么想的，以及是如何得出这一想法的。每个人都会有一定的坚持己见的习惯。他们看问题当然是从自己的经验、自己的立场去作判断，而且认为这是对的。当有人怀疑他的正确性的时候，他会毫不犹豫地为自己的观点进行辩护，除非你能够指出他的致命的缺陷。所以，你必须站在他的立场去考虑问题，并进一步地反驳他。 我通常在规劝或者说服他人去做某一件事情的时候，先停下来想一想“如何才能使他心甘情愿地去做”这个问题。我想以我自己的亲身经历来说明让别人客观地认识事物对于说服一个人的重要性。 我在一开始进行我的讲座的时候，租用了纽约市一家饭店的舞厅作为演讲地点。我的每期培训都需要租用20个晚上。一开始我并不为这件事担心，因为这点租金是我可以承受的数额。但有一次，在新的一轮演讲开始的时候，饭店方面突然打电话告诉我说必须付比以前高3倍的租金。我并不想改变演讲的地点，因为一切准备工作都已经就绪。我打算说服饭店的经理，使他打消这样的念头。我很清楚，他们想的只是自己的利益，但是我相信自己能够说服这位经理。 “你们的通知的确让我很吃惊。”我见到那位经理后，微笑着对他说，“但是我这次来并不是想责怪你。我知道，如果我是你，我也会这么做的。因为不这样做的话，饭店的利益就要受损，而你将会被辞退。那么现在，为饭店的利益着想，我们来分析一下这项决定的利与弊。” 我从我的包里拿出一张早就准备好的纸，在纸的中间画了一道线，作为“利”和“弊”的分区。接着，我在“利”的那一边写下“可做他用”，然后跟他解释说：“的确，你们可以把舞厅租给人家，用来跳舞或者开会。毫无疑问，这样肯定会比租给我的价钱要高。而租给我的话，相当于你们损失了很大一笔钱。” 再接着，我在纸的另一边写下“减少收入”和“广告效应”，然后对他解释说：“首先，我因为付不起你们的租金，所以不得不另觅地方，这样一来，你们势必要空出这个舞厅一段时间。相对来说，这比现在算是减少了收入。其次，你们知道，我每次所举办的一系列讲座，都会吸引许多人——包括很多名人到你们饭店来居住，难道你不认为这是最好的广告吗？你们每次需要在报纸上花多少钱打广告呢？如果我猜得不错的话，5000美元应该是必不可少的。而且，这些报纸上的广告的效果也未必有这么大。这对像你们这么大的酒店来说，价值是不是非常大呢？” 最后，我把这张纸交给尚在思考的经理，并且对他说：“为了你们的利益，请认真地考虑一下，然后尽快通知我。”结果已经可以预料：第二天，饭店方面就通知我，我的租金只需要增加50％，并不是之前决定的3倍。 我并不是在这里说明我的做法是多么地高明，我只是想以此来说明，我们在说服他人的时候，是完全可以用更加简单而有效的方法来做到这一点的——让他人客观地认识事物。只要你能够保持理智和冷静，你也可以试着这么去做。