Chapter 8 Chapter Seven How to Convince the Other Party
Spring wind turns rain, let others change their minds willingly:
How do we persuade others, this is a big problem.Social psychologists have found through research that persuading others not only requires good eloquence, but is actually a subtle psychological interaction, a process in which psychological needs and motivations are constantly changing.Therefore, you must master some psychological knowledge in order to make your persuasion sound and colorful, and let the listener happily accept your point of view in a good mood.The realization is that when we face persuasive obstacles, we often become angry and don't know how to express our ideas and persuade others to accept our ideas.Perhaps, the contents of this chapter can help you.
Once, Emerson and his son wanted to get a calf into the cowshed, and they made a mistake that most people often make: they only thought about what they needed, but did not consider the position of the calf.So, Emerson pushed back with all his strength, and his son pulled the calf vigorously in front, and the calf, just like them, only insisted on its own ideas, and saw it straighten its legs and firmly refused. Get off that grass.The two sides are at such a stalemate, and neither is willing to make concessions. The Irish maid saw this scene. Although this woman did not know how to write articles, she was very familiar with the feelings and habits of cattle, horses and livestock. Therefore, she immediately thought of what this disobedient calf wanted. what.The maid approached the calf and put her thumb into the calf's mouth to let it suck. The calf immediately became very docile and obedient, and obediently followed the maid into the cowshed. Look, in the face of the stubborn calf, the smart Emerson is not as good as an ordinary maid, because he never thinks from the standpoint of the calf, but the maid does.From the first day we came into this world, every action we take, every starting point is for ourselves and for our needs. Then, try to make yourself sincerely think about problems from the standpoint of others, and speak from the standpoint of others.If you say to yourself, "How would I feel and how would I react if I were in his situation?" We don't hate the result." Professor Harley Overstowe, in one of his influential books, said: "Action is born out of the basic human desires... The best advice for anyone who wants to persuade others is either in In business, in family, in school, in politics, arouse some urgent need in other people's minds. If he can do this successfully, then the whole world belongs to him, and he will never run into trouble again. It's the end of the road." When we are eager to persuade someone, we might as well ask ourselves before we speak: "How can I make him do this?" achievement.Let's see how others have successfully done this. Barbara Anderson originally worked in a New York bank, but for the sake of her son's health, she wanted to move to Phoenix, Arizona.Therefore, she wrote 12 letters in advance and sent them to 12 banks in Phoenix.Her letter reads: Will Mrs. Anderson get her wish?As a result, 11 banks in Phoenix expressed their willingness to interview, so she could choose the one with better treatment!Why is there such a result?Mrs. Anderson did not state what she needed, only how she could help the bank.She focused on the needs of the bank, not herself.That's why she succeeded. It's that simple to stand in the position of the other party.But there are many people who don't know how to see things from the other side's point of view throughout their lives. For many years, I used to take a walk in the park not far from home.There is a notice board on the side of the park, which reads: "Anyone who starts a fire shall be fined and imprisoned." But the notice was erected in a remote place, and few children saw it.The person in charge of this area is a policeman on horseback. Obviously, this gentleman is not serious about his duties. Fires often break out and spread frequently. At one point, I ran to the police and told him that there was a fire in one part of the park and it was spreading, and I told him to call the fire department immediately.But he was very indifferent about it, saying that it had nothing to do with him.For this reason, I spontaneously protect the public property of the park. Initially, I didn't understand the point of view of these children who set the fire at all.When I see them on fire, I'm furious and eager to do good.I rushed up on my horse and warned the children that it would cause a fire and be imprisoned.I also ordered them with authority to put out the fire, and threatened to arrest them if they refused. I vented the anger in my heart, completely disregarding their feelings, what happened?The children complied—complied with a sense of revulsion.But when I left them, these rebellious and hateful kids started the fire again and wanted to burn down the park. Many years later, I have a better understanding of the knowledge of interpersonal relationships, and I know how to look at problems from the perspective of the other party.So instead of giving orders, I would ride up to the kids who set the fire and say to them, "Have you had fun, kids? What are you doing for dinner? When I was a kid, I loved making a fire too —I still like it. But you know it's dangerous to start a fire in a park. I know you're careful, but the other kids aren't as careful. They see you make a fire, and they do, but They might just forget to put out the fire and end up with a park fire that burns down the trees. I want to see you live happily, but please keep the leaves away from the fire, please? Before you go, use more carefully Cover the fire with some mud, won't you? Then there's no danger...Thanks, boys! Have fun." This statement worked very well, the children were very cooperative, they didn't hold a grudge, and they didn't resent it.Because I took their ideas into account and they were okay with it, so they did. Owen Young is a famous lawyer and a well-known business leader in the United States.He said: "People who can put themselves in other people's shoes and understand what others are thinking will never have to worry about the future." "Pay attention to other people's opinions and arouse their desires" does not mean "manipulating others to do things that are beneficial to you but harmful to him", but should mean "both parties can benefit from this matter." Profit".In Mrs. Anderson's letters to 12 banks in Phoenix, both parties benefited from the way they handled their affairs. A phone engineer who can't get his 3 year old daughter to breakfast, no matter how much he reprimands, coaxes or demands, it doesn't help.The little girl loves to imitate her mother and to feel grown up.So, one morning, the parents put the little girl in a chair and let her prepare her own breakfast.Sure enough, the little girl worked very hard, and when she saw her father in the kitchen, she exclaimed, "Look, Daddy, I made my own cereal this morning!" It made her feel "deeply important".She found her avenue for self-expression entirely in the process of mixing cereal. When we come up with a good idea, don't let others think that it is our patent.Let them adjust those concepts by themselves, they will think that it is their own idea, and they will take in a lot more because they like it very much. We should remember to arouse the desire in others first.Whoever can do this, the world will be with him.Such a person is never lonely.If you finish reading this book and learn just one thing -- develop yourself to think from the other person's point of view as much as your own -- if you learn just that, it will be enough to open up your life path. a new page.
We all have self-esteem, and some of us even reach the point of ego.When you point out other people's mistakes and criticize others, most people will subconsciously maintain their dignity and thus take a resistant attitude towards your criticism.This is one of the weaknesses of human nature.We must understand this weakness and use the proper art of criticism to achieve our purpose of criticism.It would be much better if the critic began the conversation with the humility to admit that he was not blameless before pointing out the faults of others. A few years ago, my niece Josephine Carnegie left her home in Kansas City to come to New York to work as my secretary.She was 19 years old, just three years out of high school, and had almost no work experience.Naturally, she makes some mistakes.Once, when she made another common-sense error, and I was about to criticize her, I said to myself, "Wait a minute, Dale Carnegie, just a moment. You're older than John Sephine is twice as big and has ten thousand times more experience. How can you expect her to have your opinion, your judgment, your experience-even though it is very ordinary. Wait a minute, Dale, What were you doing when you were 19? Remember your stupid moves, stupid mistakes? Remember when you...?" After sincere and fair consideration, I have come to the conclusion that Josephine is far more capable at nineteen than I was at the time—though I am ashamed to admit that I do not often praise Josephine.So, from then on, when I wanted to draw Josephine's attention to her mistakes, I would start like this: "Josephine, you did one thing wrong, but God knows, a lot of what I did To be wrong is worse than that. Of course you are not born with judgment, that can only be learned from experience. And you are much better than I was when I was your age. I have made many stupid mistakes myself, So I hate to criticize you or anyone. But if you do it a certain way, don't you think that's smarter?" It would be much better if the critic began the conversation with the humility to admit that he was not blameless before pointing out the faults of others.The elegant Prince Blow understood the need for this as early as 1909. At that time, Prince Blow was Chancellor of Germany, and the German Kaiser was Wilhelm II - the arrogant William, the last Kaiser of Germany - who built a navy and army and boasted that he could conquer all. Then, something that shocked the world happened.When the German Kaiser visited England, he said a lot of unbelievably stupid things, such as he was the only German who was friendly to Britain, he built a navy to counter the Japanese threat, and he saved the Britain saved it from surrendering to Russia and France, and thanks to his plan of conquest, Britain was able to defeat the natives in South Africa, etc.Worst of all, he allowed the London Daily Telegraph to publish his irrational boasting.As a result, these explosive news shook the whole of Europe and spread to the whole world. In more than 100 years of peace, no European king has ever said such a thing about him.The whole of Europe was immediately sensationalized, like an enraged bumblebee; Britain was also enraged, and German politicians were even more horrified.In this situation, the German emperor was also panicked, and he proposed that Chancellor Blow should deal with the matter.Yes, he wanted Prince Blow to declare all responsibility for it all on his own, for advising his lord to say these unbelievable things. "But, Your Majesty," objected Blow, "it seems to me that there is absolutely no one in Germany or England who would believe in my ability to advise Your Majesty to say such things." As soon as Blow had said this, I realized that I had made a serious mistake.The Kaiser was really annoyed.He snarled, "Do you think I'm an ass who makes mistakes you'd never make?" Blow knew that he should praise the Emperor first before criticizing him, but at this point, he might as well choose the best option.He praises after criticizing.The results were fantastic—commendations often have that effect. "I would never mean that," he replied respectfully. "Your Majesty surpasses me in many respects, not only in naval and army knowledge, but especially in natural sciences. Every time you listen to Your Majesty In explaining the barometer, the wireless telegraph, or Roentgen's rays, I am always deeply ashamed of my ignorance of all the various natural sciences. I do not know chemistry or physics, and am unable to explain the simplest natural phenomena, so my Majesty Very much. But," Blow went on, "in compensation, I know some historical knowledge, and some politically and especially diplomatically useful knowledge." A smile appeared on the Kaiser's face, and Prince Blow praised him.By this time the Kaiser had tolerated anything because Blow had humbled himself by praising him. "Didn't I always tell you," he said earnestly, "that we should learn from each other's strengths and be famous in the world? We should work together and be united, and we will!" He shook Blow's hand, and not only Not once, but many times. He was especially agitated that afternoon.He clenched his fists and shouted: "If anyone speaks badly of Prince Blow to me, I'll punch his nose flat!" Blow saved himself just in time—but a cunning diplomat like himself made the mistake of starting by talking about his own weaknesses and Wilhelm's strengths—rather than implying that the Kaiser was an intellectual Those who are deficient and in need of protection. If just a few words of self-humility and compliments could turn an arrogant and withdrawn German Kaiser into a solid and reliable friend, then you can imagine how much humility and compliments play in our daily lives.When used correctly, they must help us do wonders in our relationships. Even if one person has not corrected his mistakes, simply admitting his mistakes at the beginning of a conversation can help another person change his behavior. So if you want to make yourself a popular talker without hurting feelings or offending others, there are a few tricks you can use to achieve satisfactory results.
No one is willing to follow other people's orders, and no one likes to be told what to do and what to think. This seems to be human nature. Joe Shirt, a safety inspector for an engineering firm in Oklahoma, checks that workers on construction sites are wearing hard hats.In the beginning, when he saw workers who were not wearing hard hats, he would immediately criticize them and order them to put them on immediately.But this approach has had little success.Workers would put on their hard hats in his presence, but when he was gone, they would take them off again. Qiao Shide felt that his approach was inappropriate, so he decided to use other methods.When he saw a worker not wearing a hard hat, he smiled and asked the worker if he felt that the hard hat was uncomfortable to wear on his head, and whether the size of the hat was inappropriate; then he would tell the workers the importance of the hard hat, It is recommended that they wear hard hats for their own safety.As a result, this approach has received very good results. The two different practices lead to two different reactions from the workers, which is due to people's psychological effects-rejecting the attitude and order of instigation.Before, Josh had adopted a strong method, ordering and instructing the workers how to do it. As a result, the workers didn't like to listen to Josh's instructions, which was the main reason for his failure.And the reason why Qiao Shide succeeded in persuading those workers was also because he did not instruct them how to do it. The same story happened to me too.One summer, a friend and I were driving into the French countryside and got lost.We had to pull over and ask a group of locals for directions. My friend is a carefree person, he rushed forward and almost yelled at them - I could clearly hear him say from dozens of meters away: "Hey, how do I get to XXX town?" A few minutes later, that friend came back sullenly and complained to me that the farmers here were rude and not enthusiastic at all.Of course I knew what was going on, so I walked towards the group of farmers with a smile, then took off my hat and politely said to them: "I have encountered a problem and I need your help. How can I get to ×× town?" As a result, I got very accurate and detailed answers very quickly.They seemed enthusiastic and responded quickly and politely.After they finished speaking, I thanked them and they invited me to their home.Because I was busy on the road, I promised to go to their house next time I have time. In this regard, my friend did not understand why I was welcomed by them. I said: "No one likes to be ordered by others." You might say it's just a matter of politeness.Yes, politeness does matter, but it's not just about politeness.Also, it's that impolite tone that makes it seem like you're giving orders.Indeed, no one is willing to follow other people's instructions, and no one likes to be told what to do and how to think. This seems to be human nature. In my class, there is a female student, Daona, who is an assistant to the manager of a company.One day, a guest came to the company and was received by the newly appointed manager.As usual, Donna was going to pour water for the customer, but the manager suddenly said to her: "Go, pour a glass of water!" But Donna added casually: "I want to go to the bathroom." This kind of situation often happens around us. For example, you may encounter a similar situation in a hotel. Although the waiter promises you with all his heart, he will not bring the water for a long time.You can complain about her bad service, but it won't do you any good.So why can't you say it in a different tone?You can say to her, "I need a jug of water now, can you bring me a jug of water?" She will be more than happy to serve you.And do you lose anything by doing so? When we are persuading a person, we often seem to be instructing others: "You should do this..." or: "You are right to think so..." We often use a commanding or coercive tone, Even though we sometimes don't have that kind of authority.You should make your tone softer and more tactful. Unfortunately, many leaders like to order subordinates to do this and that. They seem to want to use this method to demonstrate their authority as a leader.And most leaders are doing this without realizing that there is something wrong with it.Even for most people, when someone makes a mistake, we usually preach to him in a condescending manner, instructing him what to do, and the other party is likely to defend his dignity I don't hesitate to argue with you.We know that in such a sharp confrontation, no one can persuade the other party.Therefore, the best way is to maintain the dignity of the other party, point out his mistakes in another way, and guide him on what to do. General Ward once served as an instructor training recruits.One day, when he was driving a jeep to inspect the new barracks, he came across a soldier leading his girlfriend for a walk.The soldier didn't seem to see him, and while waiting for his car to pass by, the soldier "coincidentally" bent down to tie his shoelaces.Ward knew what was going on, so he called the soldier who didn't understand the military regulations. "Boy," said Ward, "don't you really see me?" "I see, General." The soldier knew he couldn't hide it, so he had to admit it. "So why didn't you salute me instead of tying your shoes?" Ward asked. The soldier was very embarrassed and had no way to answer.He looked at his girlfriend and said with a bitter face, "General, if you were me and took your girlfriend for a walk, what would you do?" Ward, amused by the soldier, replied with a smile: "I'd say to her, 'I want to salute the old guy first, how about that?'" After hearing this, the soldier smiled and saluted General Ward.And General Ward didn't say anything anymore, he saluted in return, and then drove away. It is conceivable that if General Ward said to the soldier angrily: "What you did just now was wrong, you should salute to me!" Germany made him lose face in front of his girlfriend.However, General Ward did not do this. He cleverly pointed out the mistakes of the soldiers and told him what to do, and he also took into account the soldiers' face. I have the same case here, which is also a story about a soldier. A new army camp in the United States recently received a group of new recruits.The grit of these recruits also meant that some of their habits—bad ones—were not easy to change.The instructor found that it is not suitable to reason with these low-level recruits. Of course, it is not suitable to force or order them to change their bad habits. In that case, they will confront you very violently.The instructors were very troubled by this, so they tried many ways to change them so that they could become qualified soldiers, but all had little effect.In short, these soldiers stubbornly believe that they don't need others to tell them what to do. Finally, the instructors told the soldiers that they should send some letters to their families so that they would not miss them.The instructors printed and distributed some letters as a reference for their letter writing.The content of these reference letters is generally to tell the family that they have developed good living habits in the army, and many of the previous bad habits have been corrected, so please do not worry.After they wrote the letter and sent it, a strange thing happened: these very stubborn soldiers slowly and actively overcome their previous bad habits, and each of them became refreshed, hygienic, and disciplined, and finally became Qualified soldiers. Suggestions instead of orders can convince people; requests instead of instructions can make people happy to execute; use consultation instead of instructions, and some people will take the initiative; use praise instead of instructions, and they will use actions to prove what you said That's right.Since there are so many ways to replace instigation, and since instigation has no effect on achieving our intended purpose, why don't we try another way?
I recently had the honor of dining with Miss Ida Temple, America's most famous biographer.I told her I was writing, and she and I started talking about being human.She told me that when she was writing a biography of Jan Owen, she interviewed a gentleman who had worked in the same room as Mr. Young for three years.The man said that in that long time he had never heard a direct order from Jan Owen to anyone.He always "suggests", not "commands".For example, Jan Owen never said "do this, or do that" or "don't do this, don't do that".He always said "you can think about this" or "do you think that would be appropriate".When he dictated a letter, he used to say, "What do you think?" After reading a letter written by his assistant, he often said, "Perhaps it would have been better worded that way." Doing things without ever telling his assistants how to do them; he leaves them to do it themselves, enabling them to learn from their mistakes. Advising others, rather than commanding them forcefully, not only maintains a person's self-esteem and gives him a sense of self-respect, but also makes him more cooperative than antagonistic.A method like this makes it easier for a person to correct his mistakes.And the anger caused by some elder's rough manners may last longer, even if what he corrected was an obvious wrong.Don Stan Riley, a teacher at a vocational school in Weming, Pennsylvania, said one thing. A student blocked the school gate because of illegal parking.A teacher rushed into the classroom and asked in a very aggressive tone: "Whose car is blocking the gate?" When the student got up to answer, the teacher yelled: "You drive the car away immediately, or I will tie it up with an iron chain and drag it away." The student was indeed wrong, the car should not have been parked there.But from that day on, it wasn't just the student who was angry at that teacher's behavior, but the whole class was always doing things to inconvenience the teacher and make his job even more difficult. He could have handled it in a completely different way.If he had asked kindly, "Whose car is that at the door?" The car drove away, and he and his classmates would not be so angry. Even if you are an elder or a superior, you can't speak to your juniors or subordinates in a rude manner; otherwise, what you get will not be cooperation, but fierce confrontation.In the same way, the way of suggestion can make customers better accept and adopt your opinions, do according to your requirements, and meet your needs. At a small factory in Johannesburg, South Africa, manager Ian MacTangie had the opportunity to land a large order, but he knew he wouldn't be able to meet the deadline.Although the job was already scheduled at the factory, the time required to complete the order was so short that he was unlikely to accept it.He didn't push the workers to work faster to meet the order, he just got everyone together, explained the situation to them, and told them what it would mean to them and to the company if the order could be completed on time. how big. “Is there any way we can fulfill this order?” “Can anyone figure out another way to handle it so we can take this order?” “Is there any other way to adjust our hours and jobs to move the whole situation?" As a result, the employees offered many opinions and insisted that he take the order.With a "we can do it" attitude, they finally got the order and delivered it on time. Asking each other some questions not only allowed the small factory to receive an order, but also stimulated the creativity of the workers, resulting in a good cooperation and harmonious atmosphere. Therefore, if you want to persuade others without hurting feelings and arousing resentment, please pay attention to your tone of voice, change your speaking attitude, and try to put forward your request in another way: suggest the other party instead of directly giving orders.
No one likes to feel like they are being forced to buy something or ordered to do something.We'd rather feel like we're buying things of our own accord, or doing things on our own terms.We like other people to care about our wishes, needs and ideas.Just imagine, do you have more faith in the ideas you discover than in other people's ideas?Even if someone else's thoughts were offered to you on a expensive and delicate plate, you would not accept it happily. Yes, everyone has such thoughts.That being the case, wouldn't it be wishful thinking for you to force your thoughts down someone else's throat?So wouldn't it be wiser to make a suggestion and let others figure it out for themselves? Mr. Rudolf Selts from Philadelphia, a member of my class, once felt the need to cheer up a group of frustrated and disengaged car salesmen, so he called a sales meeting to encourage his men Tell them what they think and want about him.As they talked, he wrote their thoughts on the blackboard.Then he said: "I can give you all you can ask of me. Now tell me what I am entitled to from you?" The responses were quick: loyalty, honesty, initiative, optimism, cooperation, and passionate work 8 hours a day.One even volunteered to work 14-hour days.The meeting was a great success, giving new courage and new inspiration. Mr. Selts said: "They were essentially making a moral bargain with me. When I pledged to do my best, they also decided to do their best. Talking to them about their wishes and hopes is exactly what they want. food for thought.” Eugene Wesson lost countless dollars of income before he learned this truth. Wesson sells patterns for an atelier that designs patterns for fashion designers and textile manufacturers.Wesson has visited one of the most famous fashion design experts in New York once a week for three consecutive years. "He never refused to see me," said Wesson, "but he never bought my drawings. He always looked at my drawings carefully and said 'no.' I don't think we can have yours today, sir." thing." After 150 failures, Wesson finally understood the problem: he was stuck in the same old routine, too rigid.So he decided to spend one night a week learning the skills of dealing with people, trying to develop new ideas and create new enthusiasms. Before long, he was inspired to try a new approach.He took 6 unfinished drawings of the painters and ran to the designer's office. "I would like to ask you to do me a favor." He said, "here are some unfinished drawings, and I would like you to tell me how we should complete them to your satisfaction?" After looking at the pattern for a while, he said, "Put the pattern here with me, and come back to me in a few days." Three days later, Wesson went to him again, listened to his many suggestions, and then took back the drawings and finished them according to the designer's opinion.The results of it?They were all bought. That happened 9 months ago, and since then until now, the buyer has ordered dozens more drawings, all painted according to his opinion--As a result, Wesson made more than 1600 dollars from him . "I now understand why I have been unable to do business with this buyer for so many years," said Mr. Wesson. "I used to persuade him to buy what I thought he should buy. Now, on the contrary, I ask him to tell me His idea, so he felt that he was creating the pattern, and it was indeed the case. Even if I don’t sell it to him now, he will take the initiative to buy it.” This method is indeed fruitful, and the skill of persuading others lies in whether you make them accept your opinion with joy.President Roosevelt successfully carried out a reform in this way. For example, when there are important positions vacant, he asks political leaders to recommend someone for the position. "Originally," said Roosevelt, "they might nominate a weak party stick, the kind of person who needs 'care.' I told them that it was not a good idea to appoint such a man, because the public would not approve. "Then they presented me with another party stick who did nothing, a man who, while above reproach, had nothing to commend him. I told them that this man did not live up to the public's expectations. Next I ask them to think about whether they can find someone who is clearly a better fit for the position. "The person they proposed the third time was acceptable, but still not very ideal. So I thanked them and asked them to try again. The person they proposed the fourth time was acceptable-their current proposal was correct. It was I who proposed it myself. I thanked them for their assistance and appointed this person—and I give them credit for the appointment... I told them that I did it to please them and that it was time It made me happy that it was their turn. And they did. They supported my bills, which made me happy." Roosevelt used this method to successfully implement this difficult reform program.Remember to ask others for advice whenever you can, and respect their advice so that the other person feels that the idea is entirely their own.That's the secret to persuasion, and it's the secret to your success. Colonel Edward House had great influence in domestic and foreign affairs during President Wilson's administration.Wilson relied more on House's secret plots and advice than on his own cabinet members.How did Colonel House influence the President?We have the honor of having the answer because House himself told Arthur D. Smith, who in turn revealed it in the Sunday Evening Post. "'After getting to know the President,' says House, 'I have found that the best way to convince him of an idea is to plant it naturally in him, and to subtly make him understand it.观念产生兴趣，使他经常思考。这方法第一次发生效力，纯属巧合。我曾到白宫去拜访他，劝他推行某项政策，而这种政策他似乎不太赞成。但几天以后，在一次聚餐的时候，我很惊讶地听到他把我的那个提议当作他自己的意见说了出来。'” 豪斯是否阻止了他，说“那不是你的意见，而是我的”呢？Oh Nope.豪斯绝不会那样。他非常精明，他不屑于居功，只求行事有效，所以他使威尔逊继续认为那意见是他自己想出来的。不仅如此，他还使威尔逊因为公开了这些意见而获得了世人的赞誉。 我们一定要记住，我们明天所要接触的人，也许正像威尔逊一样，具有人性的弱点，所以，我们就应采用豪斯上校的做法。
我们知道，如果一开始的时候就使一位学生、顾客或你的孩子、妻子说“不”，那么，即使你有神仙般的智慧和耐心，也无法使那种否定的态度变为肯定。 詹姆斯·艾伯森发现，一旦让那个顾客开始就说“是，是”，顾客便忘了他们之间的争执，并且愿意做自己所建议的事。如果让人一开始说“不”，会有什么后果呢？我们来看看阿弗斯特教授在他的《影响人类的行为》一书中所说的一段话： “一个'不'的反应，是最难克服的障碍。人只要一说出'不'，他的自尊心就会促使他固执己见。当然，也许以后他会觉得'不'是不恰当的，然而一旦他考虑到宝贵的自尊，他就会坚持到底。所以，一开始就让人对你采取肯定的态度极为重要。” 他接着说，人的这种心理模式显而易见。当一个人说了“不”以后，如果他的内心也加以否定，他全身的各个组织都会协调起来，一起进入一种抗拒状态，反过来，如果他说了“是”，情况就会恰好相反——他的身体就会随之处于前进、接受和开放的状态，这将有利于改变他的看法或意志，使谈话朝积极的方向发展。 正是这种“是”的方法，使得纽约格林尼治储蓄所的出纳员詹姆斯·艾伯森挽回了一位主顾，否则他就会失去这笔生意。幸运的是，詹姆斯·艾伯森在卡耐基培训课中接受了相关的培训，他懂得了这个方法。 “那天，”詹姆斯·艾伯森回忆说，“这个人走进来要开户，我让他先填写一些表格，其中有些问题他愿意回答，另外一些他根本不想回答。如果在以前，遇到这种情况，我会告诉这位顾客，如果他不向我们提供这些资料，我们就会拒绝为他开户。那样的'警告'使我很愉快，因为这好像在说只有我说话才算数。但是，显而易见，这样的态度将使我们的顾客有不被重视的感觉。 “因为上了训练班的有关课程，我决定不跟他谈银行的规定，而是谈顾客的需要。所以，我同意了他的做法。我告诉他说，那些他拒绝填写的内容并不是绝对必要的。'但是'，我引导他说，'假如你去世，你不希望把存在我们银行的钱转移给你的亲属吗？' “'当然'。他说。 “'难道你认为'，我继续说，'将你最亲近的亲属的一些资料告诉我们，使我们能够在你万一去世的时候准确无误地实现你的愿望，不是一个很好的办法吗？' “'是的。'他又说。 “就这样，最后他终于相信我们要这些资料的目的是为了他，他的态度就转变了。他不仅把他自己的全部资料告诉了我，还根据我的建议，开了一个信托账户，指定他的母亲为受益人，并爽快地填写了关于他母亲的详细资料。” 想得到对方的肯定其实并不难，只是人们忽略了如何去做。人们总是希望一开始对方就同意自己的看法，如果别人不同意的话，就急切地想驳倒对方，以获得对方的认同。他们或许认为这样做能够显示出自己的高明和突出。然而不幸的是，这种态度往往会适得其反。所以，最好的办法就是，一开始就让对方说“是”。 西屋公司的推销员雷蒙负责推销的区域内有一位富翁。雷蒙的前任和他花了13年的时间对这位富翁进行推销，但是直到最近，才使这位富翁答应购买了几部发动机。而当雷蒙再次去拜访他的时候，他却声称以后不会再订购西屋公司的发动机了，原因是他认为这些产品太热，不能把手放在上面。 雷蒙知道如果与他争辩的话，无疑会是徒劳。于是雷蒙打算找出让对方说“是”的方法来。雷蒙对那位富翁说：“史密斯先生，我完全同意你的看法。如果我公司的发动机确实过热的话，你不应该再买。你花了钱，当然不希望买到热量超过标准的发动机，是不是？” “是的。”史密斯说。 “你知道，”雷蒙接着说，“电工行会的规定是，一架标准的发动机的温度不能比室内温度高72华氏度，是这样吗？” “是的。可是你的发动机却高出了这一温度。”史密斯说。 “你工厂的温度是多少？”雷蒙问他。 “75华氏度。”史密斯想了一会儿然后说。 “这就对了，”雷蒙笑着说，“75华氏度加上72华氏度等于147华氏度。如果你将手放在147华氏度的水里，你会不会被烫伤呢？” 史密斯不得不说：“会的。” “那么，”雷蒙继续说，“我建议你最好不要把手放在147华氏度的发动机上面。” “我想你是对的。”史密斯说。接着他们又谈了一会儿，最后，史密斯答应在下个月订购西屋公司35000美元的产品。 雷蒙总结说：“我最后才知道，争辩不是聪明的办法。我们要站在对方的立场上去看问题，要设法让对方说'是'，这才是真正的迈向成功的方法。” 有趣的“苏格拉底辩论法”，就是以对方肯定的答复作为这种方法的辩论基础。他提出的每一个问题，都会得到别人的赞同。然后，他连续不断地发问，直到最后，他的反对者不知不觉地发现，自己所得到的结论竟然是几分钟前还坚决反对的。 这是不是很神奇呢？是的，如果你愿意的话，你也可以做到。方法很简单，那就是记住一开始的时候，要不断地让对方说“是”，千万不要让他说“不”。 因此，在跟人交谈的时候，不要一开始就谈论一些你们可能有分歧的事，你应该先强调你们都同意的事，并且需要不断地强调。然后，强调你们双方都在追求同一目标，试着让对方知道，即使你们有分歧，那也只是方法上的分歧，而不是目标上的。你应当时刻记得这位“雅典的牛蝇”给予我们的智慧和启迪，首先问一个温和的问题——一个能得到“是”的反应的问题。
Once, Emerson and his son wanted to get a calf into the cowshed, and they made a mistake that most people often make: they only thought about what they needed, but did not consider the position of the calf.So, Emerson pushed back with all his strength, and his son pulled the calf vigorously in front, and the calf, just like them, only insisted on its own ideas, and saw it straighten its legs and firmly refused. Get off that grass.The two sides are at such a stalemate, and neither is willing to make concessions. The Irish maid saw this scene. Although this woman did not know how to write articles, she was very familiar with the feelings and habits of cattle, horses and livestock. Therefore, she immediately thought of what this disobedient calf wanted. what.The maid approached the calf and put her thumb into the calf's mouth to let it suck. The calf immediately became very docile and obedient, and obediently followed the maid into the cowshed. Look, in the face of the stubborn calf, the smart Emerson is not as good as an ordinary maid, because he never thinks from the standpoint of the calf, but the maid does.From the first day we came into this world, every action we take, every starting point is for ourselves and for our needs. Then, try to make yourself sincerely think about problems from the standpoint of others, and speak from the standpoint of others.If you say to yourself, "How would I feel and how would I react if I were in his situation?" We don't hate the result." Professor Harley Overstowe, in one of his influential books, said: "Action is born out of the basic human desires... The best advice for anyone who wants to persuade others is either in In business, in family, in school, in politics, arouse some urgent need in other people's minds. If he can do this successfully, then the whole world belongs to him, and he will never run into trouble again. It's the end of the road." When we are eager to persuade someone, we might as well ask ourselves before we speak: "How can I make him do this?" achievement.Let's see how others have successfully done this. Barbara Anderson originally worked in a New York bank, but for the sake of her son's health, she wanted to move to Phoenix, Arizona.Therefore, she wrote 12 letters in advance and sent them to 12 banks in Phoenix.Her letter reads: Will Mrs. Anderson get her wish?As a result, 11 banks in Phoenix expressed their willingness to interview, so she could choose the one with better treatment!Why is there such a result?Mrs. Anderson did not state what she needed, only how she could help the bank.She focused on the needs of the bank, not herself.That's why she succeeded. It's that simple to stand in the position of the other party.But there are many people who don't know how to see things from the other side's point of view throughout their lives. For many years, I used to take a walk in the park not far from home.There is a notice board on the side of the park, which reads: "Anyone who starts a fire shall be fined and imprisoned." But the notice was erected in a remote place, and few children saw it.The person in charge of this area is a policeman on horseback. Obviously, this gentleman is not serious about his duties. Fires often break out and spread frequently. At one point, I ran to the police and told him that there was a fire in one part of the park and it was spreading, and I told him to call the fire department immediately.But he was very indifferent about it, saying that it had nothing to do with him.For this reason, I spontaneously protect the public property of the park. Initially, I didn't understand the point of view of these children who set the fire at all.When I see them on fire, I'm furious and eager to do good.I rushed up on my horse and warned the children that it would cause a fire and be imprisoned.I also ordered them with authority to put out the fire, and threatened to arrest them if they refused. I vented the anger in my heart, completely disregarding their feelings, what happened?The children complied—complied with a sense of revulsion.But when I left them, these rebellious and hateful kids started the fire again and wanted to burn down the park. Many years later, I have a better understanding of the knowledge of interpersonal relationships, and I know how to look at problems from the perspective of the other party.So instead of giving orders, I would ride up to the kids who set the fire and say to them, "Have you had fun, kids? What are you doing for dinner? When I was a kid, I loved making a fire too —I still like it. But you know it's dangerous to start a fire in a park. I know you're careful, but the other kids aren't as careful. They see you make a fire, and they do, but They might just forget to put out the fire and end up with a park fire that burns down the trees. I want to see you live happily, but please keep the leaves away from the fire, please? Before you go, use more carefully Cover the fire with some mud, won't you? Then there's no danger...Thanks, boys! Have fun." This statement worked very well, the children were very cooperative, they didn't hold a grudge, and they didn't resent it.Because I took their ideas into account and they were okay with it, so they did. Owen Young is a famous lawyer and a well-known business leader in the United States.He said: "People who can put themselves in other people's shoes and understand what others are thinking will never have to worry about the future." "Pay attention to other people's opinions and arouse their desires" does not mean "manipulating others to do things that are beneficial to you but harmful to him", but should mean "both parties can benefit from this matter." Profit".In Mrs. Anderson's letters to 12 banks in Phoenix, both parties benefited from the way they handled their affairs. A phone engineer who can't get his 3 year old daughter to breakfast, no matter how much he reprimands, coaxes or demands, it doesn't help.The little girl loves to imitate her mother and to feel grown up.So, one morning, the parents put the little girl in a chair and let her prepare her own breakfast.Sure enough, the little girl worked very hard, and when she saw her father in the kitchen, she exclaimed, "Look, Daddy, I made my own cereal this morning!" It made her feel "deeply important".She found her avenue for self-expression entirely in the process of mixing cereal. When we come up with a good idea, don't let others think that it is our patent.Let them adjust those concepts by themselves, they will think that it is their own idea, and they will take in a lot more because they like it very much. We should remember to arouse the desire in others first.Whoever can do this, the world will be with him.Such a person is never lonely.If you finish reading this book and learn just one thing -- develop yourself to think from the other person's point of view as much as your own -- if you learn just that, it will be enough to open up your life path. a new page.
We all have self-esteem, and some of us even reach the point of ego.When you point out other people's mistakes and criticize others, most people will subconsciously maintain their dignity and thus take a resistant attitude towards your criticism.This is one of the weaknesses of human nature.We must understand this weakness and use the proper art of criticism to achieve our purpose of criticism.It would be much better if the critic began the conversation with the humility to admit that he was not blameless before pointing out the faults of others. A few years ago, my niece Josephine Carnegie left her home in Kansas City to come to New York to work as my secretary.She was 19 years old, just three years out of high school, and had almost no work experience.Naturally, she makes some mistakes.Once, when she made another common-sense error, and I was about to criticize her, I said to myself, "Wait a minute, Dale Carnegie, just a moment. You're older than John Sephine is twice as big and has ten thousand times more experience. How can you expect her to have your opinion, your judgment, your experience-even though it is very ordinary. Wait a minute, Dale, What were you doing when you were 19? Remember your stupid moves, stupid mistakes? Remember when you...?" After sincere and fair consideration, I have come to the conclusion that Josephine is far more capable at nineteen than I was at the time—though I am ashamed to admit that I do not often praise Josephine.So, from then on, when I wanted to draw Josephine's attention to her mistakes, I would start like this: "Josephine, you did one thing wrong, but God knows, a lot of what I did To be wrong is worse than that. Of course you are not born with judgment, that can only be learned from experience. And you are much better than I was when I was your age. I have made many stupid mistakes myself, So I hate to criticize you or anyone. But if you do it a certain way, don't you think that's smarter?" It would be much better if the critic began the conversation with the humility to admit that he was not blameless before pointing out the faults of others.The elegant Prince Blow understood the need for this as early as 1909. At that time, Prince Blow was Chancellor of Germany, and the German Kaiser was Wilhelm II - the arrogant William, the last Kaiser of Germany - who built a navy and army and boasted that he could conquer all. Then, something that shocked the world happened.When the German Kaiser visited England, he said a lot of unbelievably stupid things, such as he was the only German who was friendly to Britain, he built a navy to counter the Japanese threat, and he saved the Britain saved it from surrendering to Russia and France, and thanks to his plan of conquest, Britain was able to defeat the natives in South Africa, etc.Worst of all, he allowed the London Daily Telegraph to publish his irrational boasting.As a result, these explosive news shook the whole of Europe and spread to the whole world. In more than 100 years of peace, no European king has ever said such a thing about him.The whole of Europe was immediately sensationalized, like an enraged bumblebee; Britain was also enraged, and German politicians were even more horrified.In this situation, the German emperor was also panicked, and he proposed that Chancellor Blow should deal with the matter.Yes, he wanted Prince Blow to declare all responsibility for it all on his own, for advising his lord to say these unbelievable things. "But, Your Majesty," objected Blow, "it seems to me that there is absolutely no one in Germany or England who would believe in my ability to advise Your Majesty to say such things." As soon as Blow had said this, I realized that I had made a serious mistake.The Kaiser was really annoyed.He snarled, "Do you think I'm an ass who makes mistakes you'd never make?" Blow knew that he should praise the Emperor first before criticizing him, but at this point, he might as well choose the best option.He praises after criticizing.The results were fantastic—commendations often have that effect. "I would never mean that," he replied respectfully. "Your Majesty surpasses me in many respects, not only in naval and army knowledge, but especially in natural sciences. Every time you listen to Your Majesty In explaining the barometer, the wireless telegraph, or Roentgen's rays, I am always deeply ashamed of my ignorance of all the various natural sciences. I do not know chemistry or physics, and am unable to explain the simplest natural phenomena, so my Majesty Very much. But," Blow went on, "in compensation, I know some historical knowledge, and some politically and especially diplomatically useful knowledge." A smile appeared on the Kaiser's face, and Prince Blow praised him.By this time the Kaiser had tolerated anything because Blow had humbled himself by praising him. "Didn't I always tell you," he said earnestly, "that we should learn from each other's strengths and be famous in the world? We should work together and be united, and we will!" He shook Blow's hand, and not only Not once, but many times. He was especially agitated that afternoon.He clenched his fists and shouted: "If anyone speaks badly of Prince Blow to me, I'll punch his nose flat!" Blow saved himself just in time—but a cunning diplomat like himself made the mistake of starting by talking about his own weaknesses and Wilhelm's strengths—rather than implying that the Kaiser was an intellectual Those who are deficient and in need of protection. If just a few words of self-humility and compliments could turn an arrogant and withdrawn German Kaiser into a solid and reliable friend, then you can imagine how much humility and compliments play in our daily lives.When used correctly, they must help us do wonders in our relationships. Even if one person has not corrected his mistakes, simply admitting his mistakes at the beginning of a conversation can help another person change his behavior. So if you want to make yourself a popular talker without hurting feelings or offending others, there are a few tricks you can use to achieve satisfactory results.
No one is willing to follow other people's orders, and no one likes to be told what to do and what to think. This seems to be human nature. Joe Shirt, a safety inspector for an engineering firm in Oklahoma, checks that workers on construction sites are wearing hard hats.In the beginning, when he saw workers who were not wearing hard hats, he would immediately criticize them and order them to put them on immediately.But this approach has had little success.Workers would put on their hard hats in his presence, but when he was gone, they would take them off again. Qiao Shide felt that his approach was inappropriate, so he decided to use other methods.When he saw a worker not wearing a hard hat, he smiled and asked the worker if he felt that the hard hat was uncomfortable to wear on his head, and whether the size of the hat was inappropriate; then he would tell the workers the importance of the hard hat, It is recommended that they wear hard hats for their own safety.As a result, this approach has received very good results. The two different practices lead to two different reactions from the workers, which is due to people's psychological effects-rejecting the attitude and order of instigation.Before, Josh had adopted a strong method, ordering and instructing the workers how to do it. As a result, the workers didn't like to listen to Josh's instructions, which was the main reason for his failure.And the reason why Qiao Shide succeeded in persuading those workers was also because he did not instruct them how to do it. The same story happened to me too.One summer, a friend and I were driving into the French countryside and got lost.We had to pull over and ask a group of locals for directions. My friend is a carefree person, he rushed forward and almost yelled at them - I could clearly hear him say from dozens of meters away: "Hey, how do I get to XXX town?" A few minutes later, that friend came back sullenly and complained to me that the farmers here were rude and not enthusiastic at all.Of course I knew what was going on, so I walked towards the group of farmers with a smile, then took off my hat and politely said to them: "I have encountered a problem and I need your help. How can I get to ×× town?" As a result, I got very accurate and detailed answers very quickly.They seemed enthusiastic and responded quickly and politely.After they finished speaking, I thanked them and they invited me to their home.Because I was busy on the road, I promised to go to their house next time I have time. In this regard, my friend did not understand why I was welcomed by them. I said: "No one likes to be ordered by others." You might say it's just a matter of politeness.Yes, politeness does matter, but it's not just about politeness.Also, it's that impolite tone that makes it seem like you're giving orders.Indeed, no one is willing to follow other people's instructions, and no one likes to be told what to do and how to think. This seems to be human nature. In my class, there is a female student, Daona, who is an assistant to the manager of a company.One day, a guest came to the company and was received by the newly appointed manager.As usual, Donna was going to pour water for the customer, but the manager suddenly said to her: "Go, pour a glass of water!" But Donna added casually: "I want to go to the bathroom." This kind of situation often happens around us. For example, you may encounter a similar situation in a hotel. Although the waiter promises you with all his heart, he will not bring the water for a long time.You can complain about her bad service, but it won't do you any good.So why can't you say it in a different tone?You can say to her, "I need a jug of water now, can you bring me a jug of water?" She will be more than happy to serve you.And do you lose anything by doing so? When we are persuading a person, we often seem to be instructing others: "You should do this..." or: "You are right to think so..." We often use a commanding or coercive tone, Even though we sometimes don't have that kind of authority.You should make your tone softer and more tactful. Unfortunately, many leaders like to order subordinates to do this and that. They seem to want to use this method to demonstrate their authority as a leader.And most leaders are doing this without realizing that there is something wrong with it.Even for most people, when someone makes a mistake, we usually preach to him in a condescending manner, instructing him what to do, and the other party is likely to defend his dignity I don't hesitate to argue with you.We know that in such a sharp confrontation, no one can persuade the other party.Therefore, the best way is to maintain the dignity of the other party, point out his mistakes in another way, and guide him on what to do. General Ward once served as an instructor training recruits.One day, when he was driving a jeep to inspect the new barracks, he came across a soldier leading his girlfriend for a walk.The soldier didn't seem to see him, and while waiting for his car to pass by, the soldier "coincidentally" bent down to tie his shoelaces.Ward knew what was going on, so he called the soldier who didn't understand the military regulations. "Boy," said Ward, "don't you really see me?" "I see, General." The soldier knew he couldn't hide it, so he had to admit it. "So why didn't you salute me instead of tying your shoes?" Ward asked. The soldier was very embarrassed and had no way to answer.He looked at his girlfriend and said with a bitter face, "General, if you were me and took your girlfriend for a walk, what would you do?" Ward, amused by the soldier, replied with a smile: "I'd say to her, 'I want to salute the old guy first, how about that?'" After hearing this, the soldier smiled and saluted General Ward.And General Ward didn't say anything anymore, he saluted in return, and then drove away. It is conceivable that if General Ward said to the soldier angrily: "What you did just now was wrong, you should salute to me!" Germany made him lose face in front of his girlfriend.However, General Ward did not do this. He cleverly pointed out the mistakes of the soldiers and told him what to do, and he also took into account the soldiers' face. I have the same case here, which is also a story about a soldier. A new army camp in the United States recently received a group of new recruits.The grit of these recruits also meant that some of their habits—bad ones—were not easy to change.The instructor found that it is not suitable to reason with these low-level recruits. Of course, it is not suitable to force or order them to change their bad habits. In that case, they will confront you very violently.The instructors were very troubled by this, so they tried many ways to change them so that they could become qualified soldiers, but all had little effect.In short, these soldiers stubbornly believe that they don't need others to tell them what to do. Finally, the instructors told the soldiers that they should send some letters to their families so that they would not miss them.The instructors printed and distributed some letters as a reference for their letter writing.The content of these reference letters is generally to tell the family that they have developed good living habits in the army, and many of the previous bad habits have been corrected, so please do not worry.After they wrote the letter and sent it, a strange thing happened: these very stubborn soldiers slowly and actively overcome their previous bad habits, and each of them became refreshed, hygienic, and disciplined, and finally became Qualified soldiers. Suggestions instead of orders can convince people; requests instead of instructions can make people happy to execute; use consultation instead of instructions, and some people will take the initiative; use praise instead of instructions, and they will use actions to prove what you said That's right.Since there are so many ways to replace instigation, and since instigation has no effect on achieving our intended purpose, why don't we try another way?
I recently had the honor of dining with Miss Ida Temple, America's most famous biographer.I told her I was writing, and she and I started talking about being human.She told me that when she was writing a biography of Jan Owen, she interviewed a gentleman who had worked in the same room as Mr. Young for three years.The man said that in that long time he had never heard a direct order from Jan Owen to anyone.He always "suggests", not "commands".For example, Jan Owen never said "do this, or do that" or "don't do this, don't do that".He always said "you can think about this" or "do you think that would be appropriate".When he dictated a letter, he used to say, "What do you think?" After reading a letter written by his assistant, he often said, "Perhaps it would have been better worded that way." Doing things without ever telling his assistants how to do them; he leaves them to do it themselves, enabling them to learn from their mistakes. Advising others, rather than commanding them forcefully, not only maintains a person's self-esteem and gives him a sense of self-respect, but also makes him more cooperative than antagonistic.A method like this makes it easier for a person to correct his mistakes.And the anger caused by some elder's rough manners may last longer, even if what he corrected was an obvious wrong.Don Stan Riley, a teacher at a vocational school in Weming, Pennsylvania, said one thing. A student blocked the school gate because of illegal parking.A teacher rushed into the classroom and asked in a very aggressive tone: "Whose car is blocking the gate?" When the student got up to answer, the teacher yelled: "You drive the car away immediately, or I will tie it up with an iron chain and drag it away." The student was indeed wrong, the car should not have been parked there.But from that day on, it wasn't just the student who was angry at that teacher's behavior, but the whole class was always doing things to inconvenience the teacher and make his job even more difficult. He could have handled it in a completely different way.If he had asked kindly, "Whose car is that at the door?" The car drove away, and he and his classmates would not be so angry. Even if you are an elder or a superior, you can't speak to your juniors or subordinates in a rude manner; otherwise, what you get will not be cooperation, but fierce confrontation.In the same way, the way of suggestion can make customers better accept and adopt your opinions, do according to your requirements, and meet your needs. At a small factory in Johannesburg, South Africa, manager Ian MacTangie had the opportunity to land a large order, but he knew he wouldn't be able to meet the deadline.Although the job was already scheduled at the factory, the time required to complete the order was so short that he was unlikely to accept it.He didn't push the workers to work faster to meet the order, he just got everyone together, explained the situation to them, and told them what it would mean to them and to the company if the order could be completed on time. how big. “Is there any way we can fulfill this order?” “Can anyone figure out another way to handle it so we can take this order?” “Is there any other way to adjust our hours and jobs to move the whole situation?" As a result, the employees offered many opinions and insisted that he take the order.With a "we can do it" attitude, they finally got the order and delivered it on time. Asking each other some questions not only allowed the small factory to receive an order, but also stimulated the creativity of the workers, resulting in a good cooperation and harmonious atmosphere. Therefore, if you want to persuade others without hurting feelings and arousing resentment, please pay attention to your tone of voice, change your speaking attitude, and try to put forward your request in another way: suggest the other party instead of directly giving orders.
No one likes to feel like they are being forced to buy something or ordered to do something.We'd rather feel like we're buying things of our own accord, or doing things on our own terms.We like other people to care about our wishes, needs and ideas.Just imagine, do you have more faith in the ideas you discover than in other people's ideas?Even if someone else's thoughts were offered to you on a expensive and delicate plate, you would not accept it happily. Yes, everyone has such thoughts.That being the case, wouldn't it be wishful thinking for you to force your thoughts down someone else's throat?So wouldn't it be wiser to make a suggestion and let others figure it out for themselves? Mr. Rudolf Selts from Philadelphia, a member of my class, once felt the need to cheer up a group of frustrated and disengaged car salesmen, so he called a sales meeting to encourage his men Tell them what they think and want about him.As they talked, he wrote their thoughts on the blackboard.Then he said: "I can give you all you can ask of me. Now tell me what I am entitled to from you?" The responses were quick: loyalty, honesty, initiative, optimism, cooperation, and passionate work 8 hours a day.One even volunteered to work 14-hour days.The meeting was a great success, giving new courage and new inspiration. Mr. Selts said: "They were essentially making a moral bargain with me. When I pledged to do my best, they also decided to do their best. Talking to them about their wishes and hopes is exactly what they want. food for thought.” Eugene Wesson lost countless dollars of income before he learned this truth. Wesson sells patterns for an atelier that designs patterns for fashion designers and textile manufacturers.Wesson has visited one of the most famous fashion design experts in New York once a week for three consecutive years. "He never refused to see me," said Wesson, "but he never bought my drawings. He always looked at my drawings carefully and said 'no.' I don't think we can have yours today, sir." thing." After 150 failures, Wesson finally understood the problem: he was stuck in the same old routine, too rigid.So he decided to spend one night a week learning the skills of dealing with people, trying to develop new ideas and create new enthusiasms. Before long, he was inspired to try a new approach.He took 6 unfinished drawings of the painters and ran to the designer's office. "I would like to ask you to do me a favor." He said, "here are some unfinished drawings, and I would like you to tell me how we should complete them to your satisfaction?" After looking at the pattern for a while, he said, "Put the pattern here with me, and come back to me in a few days." Three days later, Wesson went to him again, listened to his many suggestions, and then took back the drawings and finished them according to the designer's opinion.The results of it?They were all bought. That happened 9 months ago, and since then until now, the buyer has ordered dozens more drawings, all painted according to his opinion--As a result, Wesson made more than 1600 dollars from him . "I now understand why I have been unable to do business with this buyer for so many years," said Mr. Wesson. "I used to persuade him to buy what I thought he should buy. Now, on the contrary, I ask him to tell me His idea, so he felt that he was creating the pattern, and it was indeed the case. Even if I don’t sell it to him now, he will take the initiative to buy it.” This method is indeed fruitful, and the skill of persuading others lies in whether you make them accept your opinion with joy.President Roosevelt successfully carried out a reform in this way. For example, when there are important positions vacant, he asks political leaders to recommend someone for the position. "Originally," said Roosevelt, "they might nominate a weak party stick, the kind of person who needs 'care.' I told them that it was not a good idea to appoint such a man, because the public would not approve. "Then they presented me with another party stick who did nothing, a man who, while above reproach, had nothing to commend him. I told them that this man did not live up to the public's expectations. Next I ask them to think about whether they can find someone who is clearly a better fit for the position. "The person they proposed the third time was acceptable, but still not very ideal. So I thanked them and asked them to try again. The person they proposed the fourth time was acceptable-their current proposal was correct. It was I who proposed it myself. I thanked them for their assistance and appointed this person—and I give them credit for the appointment... I told them that I did it to please them and that it was time It made me happy that it was their turn. And they did. They supported my bills, which made me happy." Roosevelt used this method to successfully implement this difficult reform program.Remember to ask others for advice whenever you can, and respect their advice so that the other person feels that the idea is entirely their own.That's the secret to persuasion, and it's the secret to your success. Colonel Edward House had great influence in domestic and foreign affairs during President Wilson's administration.Wilson relied more on House's secret plots and advice than on his own cabinet members.How did Colonel House influence the President?We have the honor of having the answer because House himself told Arthur D. Smith, who in turn revealed it in the Sunday Evening Post. "'After getting to know the President,' says House, 'I have found that the best way to convince him of an idea is to plant it naturally in him, and to subtly make him understand it.观念产生兴趣，使他经常思考。这方法第一次发生效力，纯属巧合。我曾到白宫去拜访他，劝他推行某项政策，而这种政策他似乎不太赞成。但几天以后，在一次聚餐的时候，我很惊讶地听到他把我的那个提议当作他自己的意见说了出来。'” 豪斯是否阻止了他，说“那不是你的意见，而是我的”呢？Oh Nope.豪斯绝不会那样。他非常精明，他不屑于居功，只求行事有效，所以他使威尔逊继续认为那意见是他自己想出来的。不仅如此，他还使威尔逊因为公开了这些意见而获得了世人的赞誉。 我们一定要记住，我们明天所要接触的人，也许正像威尔逊一样，具有人性的弱点，所以，我们就应采用豪斯上校的做法。
我们知道，如果一开始的时候就使一位学生、顾客或你的孩子、妻子说“不”，那么，即使你有神仙般的智慧和耐心，也无法使那种否定的态度变为肯定。 詹姆斯·艾伯森发现，一旦让那个顾客开始就说“是，是”，顾客便忘了他们之间的争执，并且愿意做自己所建议的事。如果让人一开始说“不”，会有什么后果呢？我们来看看阿弗斯特教授在他的《影响人类的行为》一书中所说的一段话： “一个'不'的反应，是最难克服的障碍。人只要一说出'不'，他的自尊心就会促使他固执己见。当然，也许以后他会觉得'不'是不恰当的，然而一旦他考虑到宝贵的自尊，他就会坚持到底。所以，一开始就让人对你采取肯定的态度极为重要。” 他接着说，人的这种心理模式显而易见。当一个人说了“不”以后，如果他的内心也加以否定，他全身的各个组织都会协调起来，一起进入一种抗拒状态，反过来，如果他说了“是”，情况就会恰好相反——他的身体就会随之处于前进、接受和开放的状态，这将有利于改变他的看法或意志，使谈话朝积极的方向发展。 正是这种“是”的方法，使得纽约格林尼治储蓄所的出纳员詹姆斯·艾伯森挽回了一位主顾，否则他就会失去这笔生意。幸运的是，詹姆斯·艾伯森在卡耐基培训课中接受了相关的培训，他懂得了这个方法。 “那天，”詹姆斯·艾伯森回忆说，“这个人走进来要开户，我让他先填写一些表格，其中有些问题他愿意回答，另外一些他根本不想回答。如果在以前，遇到这种情况，我会告诉这位顾客，如果他不向我们提供这些资料，我们就会拒绝为他开户。那样的'警告'使我很愉快，因为这好像在说只有我说话才算数。但是，显而易见，这样的态度将使我们的顾客有不被重视的感觉。 “因为上了训练班的有关课程，我决定不跟他谈银行的规定，而是谈顾客的需要。所以，我同意了他的做法。我告诉他说，那些他拒绝填写的内容并不是绝对必要的。'但是'，我引导他说，'假如你去世，你不希望把存在我们银行的钱转移给你的亲属吗？' “'当然'。他说。 “'难道你认为'，我继续说，'将你最亲近的亲属的一些资料告诉我们，使我们能够在你万一去世的时候准确无误地实现你的愿望，不是一个很好的办法吗？' “'是的。'他又说。 “就这样，最后他终于相信我们要这些资料的目的是为了他，他的态度就转变了。他不仅把他自己的全部资料告诉了我，还根据我的建议，开了一个信托账户，指定他的母亲为受益人，并爽快地填写了关于他母亲的详细资料。” 想得到对方的肯定其实并不难，只是人们忽略了如何去做。人们总是希望一开始对方就同意自己的看法，如果别人不同意的话，就急切地想驳倒对方，以获得对方的认同。他们或许认为这样做能够显示出自己的高明和突出。然而不幸的是，这种态度往往会适得其反。所以，最好的办法就是，一开始就让对方说“是”。 西屋公司的推销员雷蒙负责推销的区域内有一位富翁。雷蒙的前任和他花了13年的时间对这位富翁进行推销，但是直到最近，才使这位富翁答应购买了几部发动机。而当雷蒙再次去拜访他的时候，他却声称以后不会再订购西屋公司的发动机了，原因是他认为这些产品太热，不能把手放在上面。 雷蒙知道如果与他争辩的话，无疑会是徒劳。于是雷蒙打算找出让对方说“是”的方法来。雷蒙对那位富翁说：“史密斯先生，我完全同意你的看法。如果我公司的发动机确实过热的话，你不应该再买。你花了钱，当然不希望买到热量超过标准的发动机，是不是？” “是的。”史密斯说。 “你知道，”雷蒙接着说，“电工行会的规定是，一架标准的发动机的温度不能比室内温度高72华氏度，是这样吗？” “是的。可是你的发动机却高出了这一温度。”史密斯说。 “你工厂的温度是多少？”雷蒙问他。 “75华氏度。”史密斯想了一会儿然后说。 “这就对了，”雷蒙笑着说，“75华氏度加上72华氏度等于147华氏度。如果你将手放在147华氏度的水里，你会不会被烫伤呢？” 史密斯不得不说：“会的。” “那么，”雷蒙继续说，“我建议你最好不要把手放在147华氏度的发动机上面。” “我想你是对的。”史密斯说。接着他们又谈了一会儿，最后，史密斯答应在下个月订购西屋公司35000美元的产品。 雷蒙总结说：“我最后才知道，争辩不是聪明的办法。我们要站在对方的立场上去看问题，要设法让对方说'是'，这才是真正的迈向成功的方法。” 有趣的“苏格拉底辩论法”，就是以对方肯定的答复作为这种方法的辩论基础。他提出的每一个问题，都会得到别人的赞同。然后，他连续不断地发问，直到最后，他的反对者不知不觉地发现，自己所得到的结论竟然是几分钟前还坚决反对的。 这是不是很神奇呢？是的，如果你愿意的话，你也可以做到。方法很简单，那就是记住一开始的时候，要不断地让对方说“是”，千万不要让他说“不”。 因此，在跟人交谈的时候，不要一开始就谈论一些你们可能有分歧的事，你应该先强调你们都同意的事，并且需要不断地强调。然后，强调你们双方都在追求同一目标，试着让对方知道，即使你们有分歧，那也只是方法上的分歧，而不是目标上的。你应当时刻记得这位“雅典的牛蝇”给予我们的智慧和启迪，首先问一个温和的问题——一个能得到“是”的反应的问题。