Chapter 7 Chapter 6 How to carry out an interpersonal communication activity
Master the knack of getting along with people, so that people who meet for the first time can talk to you:
The people we get along with are not absolutely rational, but people full of emotional changes, prejudices, self-esteem and vanity.If we want to gain friendship in interpersonal communication, we must try our best to understand the most ardent needs of human nature, put yourself in the shoes of others, and show your kindness and sincerity, so that others will have a good impression of you and be willing to communicate with you.
When getting along with others, some people are always very picky and harsh, and don't consider other people's "face" at all.When accusing or criticizing others, some people are also very direct, and even satisfy their own vanity by trampling on other people's emotions.Doing so can easily hurt others.If you have made such a mistake, you must correct it. When getting along with others, the first thing to do is to respect each other, so that the other party has a sense of self-esteem and self-respect, which plays a vital role in whether we can get along with others happily and harmoniously.In fact, other people's sense of self-esteem and self-respect is what we usually call "face".Therefore, I have to emphasize this point again to everyone here, it is very important to save other people's face. However, I have to regret to say that this doesn't seem to attract most people's attention.People are more willing to directly point out the mistakes of others, and use a method of trampling on other people's emotions and stabbing their self-esteem to satisfy their own vanity and self-esteem.Many people have little regard for other people's face. They prefer to find fault, put on airs, or criticize their children or employees in front of others, rather than think seriously for a few minutes and say a few words of concern for them.In fact, if we can put ourselves in other people's shoes and show concern for them from the bottom of our hearts, the situation will be less embarrassing. A few years ago, the famous General Electric Company had a very difficult problem because they didn't know how to deal with George Schlemm, the eccentric and irascible planning director.The GM directors had to admit that George Schlemm was a super genius in the electrical department. For him, nothing is impossible.The directors regretted very much that they had transferred George to the planning department because he was completely incompetent for his job here.Although someone offered to tell George directly about the decision to switch positions, the directors of the company were not willing to hurt his self-esteem because he was a rare talent after all, not to mention that this genius was also a person with very strong self-esteem.In the end, the directors took a rather tactful approach.They gave George a new title that had never been seen before in the company—consulting engineer.In fact, the nature of the so-called consulting engineer's work was exactly the same as that of George's previous work in the electrical department.However, George was very satisfied with the company's arrangement and did not complain to the higher authorities.In this way, the senior leaders of the company were very happy, because they were glad that they had chosen to save George's face, otherwise this sensitive big-name star would definitely bring the company upside down. It can be seen that sometimes criticizing or punishing others does not have to be straightforward, and we can achieve our goals tactfully and indirectly.If you can point out other people's mistakes while preserving their self-esteem, maybe they will be more receptive to your opinion. Something like firing an employee is not an easy thing to do.My friend Sophie once told me about her experience: "The profession of accountants is seasonal, because our business is like this, I can't hire those capable accountants without business." Sophie said with some helplessness, "Seriously, Dell! You You know? It's not very fun to fire someone, and in fact I know it's even more so to be fired by someone else. But I have no other choice, and I have to say sorry to a lot of people after the income tax filing craze .In fact, none of us want to face this reality. There is a joke in our industry: No one wants to pick up an axe. Yes, no one wants to fire anyone. But, as we all know, I will face it sooner or later, and I can’t hide from it. Therefore, everyone seems to have become insensitive, and they just hope that this pain can be driven away one day sooner. Most of the time, people will talk in this way: 'You know, the peak season is over now, so we don't need to continue to hire you. Don't worry, when the peak season comes again, we will continue to employ you, so you have to temporarily lose your job.' This is true for others. It's cruel, and often those people won't come back to work for you. So, I never say that to people." I was very interested in what Sophie said, and asked, "Then how did you tell those accountants?" Sophie said proudly: "I never do such stupid things that hurt people's self-esteem. When I have to fire someone, I always say politely: 'Mr. , I am also very satisfied. I remember one time when you went to New York and the work there was so boring, but you managed it very well. I can't imagine that you didn't make a mistake. I hope you I know that you are the pride of our company, we have no doubts about your ability, I hope you will always support us, and of course we will always support you.'” "And then?" I asked puzzled.Sophie smiled and said: "Then I settled the bill for him and let him go. In fact, as an accountant, everyone knows very well that by this time they will definitely face unemployment. They are facing When things happen, what I want more is a dignity. I gave those accountants dignity, and they are very happy to come back to us again to help me continue to work." I think you have already realized the importance of saving other people's face.Yes, it will often bring you unexpected gains, and it will also make your interpersonal relationship harmonious, natural and harmonious. Some people may think that I am scaremongering, we do not save other people's face, and in any case we cannot say that we have ruined a person.In fact, I don't mean to exaggerate on purpose, because if you intentionally hurt someone's self-esteem, it is really possible to make him never look back.
There's a time-tested saying, "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing." It should be a mantra for what to say throughout the day, and it's a golden word.Let me tell a story here first. A king asked his two ministers to find two things in the world: one is the best in the world, and the other is the worst in the world.The two ministers set out separately and returned to the palace at the time appointed by the king, presenting to the king what they found and thought most suitable.The first minister opened the box and showed the best thing in the world, which contained a human tongue; the other minister also opened the box and showed the worst thing in the world, which also contained a human tongue. The human tongue can be said to be the best thing in the world, or it can be said to be the worst thing in the world.Because on different occasions, some people use one sentence to make the whole atmosphere lively, and some people use one sentence to destroy the whole atmosphere. "James" said: "It is not right for praise and cursing to come from the same mouth." If the words spoken are not beneficial to others or yourself, then it is better not to say them, rather than to increase them by saying them. Unnecessary trouble is not as good as "Silence is golden".Therefore, you must think twice before speaking, and stop when you speak, and first think about whether what you want to say is good or bad. A wise person will always control his tongue to prevent himself from saying something wrong and spreading rumors around. A man ran to a philosopher in a hurry and said, "I have some news for you..." "Wait a moment," interrupted the philosopher, "has the news you are about to tell me passed through three sieves?" "Three sieves? Which three sieves?" the man asked puzzled. "The first of these three sieves is called truth. Is the news you want to tell me true?" "I don't know, I heard it from the street..." "Now you use a second sieve. What you're going to tell me should be at least benign if not true." The man hesitated and said, "No, on the contrary..." The philosopher interrupted him again: "Then you use a third sieve. I want to ask you, is the news that excites you so important?" "It's not important." The man replied sheepishly. "Since what you are going to tell me is neither true, nor kind, nor important, then do not say it! Then the news will not bother you and me," said the philosopher. Some people just like this. They usually cannot be upright, honest and kind, but they like to gossip, gossip, and chatter about trivial matters all day long.This is a kind of trouble for both the speaker and the listener, and it is of no benefit.This kind of person must be a mediocre person if he is not a villain.Therefore, those who can speak should carefully consider whether what you say is beneficial to the progress of the matter before speaking, or whether it can achieve the purpose and effect you want. After David's parents divorced, he was sentenced to his mother, who raised and cared for him.Due to financial constraints, the mother and son had to move to another city.David then also went to a new school to take classes and began to make new friends.The changes broke his heart. He began to resent children whose parents hadn't divorced, and often got into fights for petty or no-reason reasons.In this miserable life he had developed the habit of being unduly exacting.He hardly had a good word for anyone. One day, a classmate who knew David's situation very well walked up to him. "My parents are getting divorced too," he said softly. "I know you're hurting. But you've got to let go of your anger and pain. You're only hurting yourself when you get in trouble with other people. If you can't say something If you have something nice to say, you'd better not say anything." David did initially have a hard time taking this classmate's advice because of his pain, but now that things seemed to be getting worse, he became more cautious about what he said.He often swallowed back words that were about to be blurted out. In the past, his hurtful and sarcastic words would have been unrestrained.He began to realize how little he cared about his classmates before.As his understanding expanded, he began to understand that he was not alone in experiencing family upheavals like his, but that many other children had also experienced embarrassing family breakdowns.David began to think of ways to encourage them and help them deal with their pain and confusion.By the end of the term, David had undergone a radical U-turn and gained the affections of fellow students who had alienated him because of his inability to control his temper. Anyone at home, school, or work has probably experienced emotionally stressful situations.We are often tempted to blame others when things don't go our way, and we may think that finding fault with others will make us feel better about our situation.But it may also be thinking like this: "I'm having a hard time, so don't think about it either." Destructive language often produces destructive results.In moments of “down” that we all go through, if we can’t say good things about people, we might as well not say anything at all.Know that in addition to causing unnecessary pain to those around us, the negative words that come out of our mouths often only compound the problem. We don't have any reason to say crude and hurtful things, even when we're faced with overwhelming challenges in life.As mentioned earlier, the child whose parents are divorced is tormented by many feelings and emotions that he cannot understand and cannot resolve.But he finally discovered that belittling and hurting others is not the answer.By speaking kindly and understandingly, or simply by listening to others with sympathy, he finally learns to help others; in turn, he is helped by those around him, and he finally finds in himself the courage to live.
Under the influence of the social atmosphere of advocating "name" and "power", it seems that when we look at a matter, we always stand in our own position habitually, and seldom think about the other party. Once, I saw a wife who took good care of her husband and worked hard without complaint, but the husband was still unhappy, and when there was something wrong, he would scold her head and face.Or the husband loves his wife very much, but the wife is still dissatisfied, always feeling that her husband is not good enough for her, unable to be as promising as others, full of grievances and grievances. In fact, such an accusation, no matter who it is, will feel sad.If you want to establish a harmonious partnership with others, the key is to be more tolerant, less accusatory, and have a correct communication method based on problem solving. When Theodore Roosevelt entered the White House, he admitted that if he got it right 75 percent of the time, he was meeting his highest expectations.If that is the highest hope of one of the greatest men of the 20th century, what about you and me?If you're sure you're right 55 percent of the time, you can go to Wall Street and make a million dollars a day.If you don't have such assurance, how can you say others are wrong? When I studied Lincoln in his youth, I was surprised to find that the big-hearted Lincoln was very fond of criticizing others when he was young, and often wrote satirical letters to those he thought were bad.Even after he became a trainee lawyer, he often attacked those who opposed him in the newspapers. In the autumn of 1842, Lincoln experienced an unforgettable event.At that time, he wrote an anonymous letter published in the newspaper, mocking a self-important politician James Sills.The letter brought Hills the ridicule of the town.Hills was so angry that he tried his best to track down the writer, and finally found out that the letter was written by Lincoln.He demanded a duel with Lincoln to preserve his honor.In the following days, Lincoln has been in a state of guilt and self-blame, because all this was caused by his accusation of the other party's mistakes.In this state of mind, he waited for the thrilling moment.Fortunately, at the moment before the duel started, someone came forward to stop the duel. How foolish it is to be forced to fight someone else for life by blaming them for their mistakes.Lincoln finally decided not to do such a thing again. During the Civil War, Lincoln was accused of misemploying men.Lincoln did not blame his subordinates for this, but remained silent."If you accuse and criticize others, they will do the same to you," he said, adding, "Don't blame them, it's probably the same for us." The Battle of Gettysburg, which began on July 3, 1863, was the most important battle of the Civil War. Due to a major mistake by General Midi, General Lee and his army successfully crossed the Potomac River and preserved their strength. When he heard the news, Lincoln was furious and disappointed, and he wrote a letter to General Midi.The content of the letter is as follows: You can guess what expression General Midi will have when he reads this letter.However, you may be surprised that he never received the letter, because Lincoln didn't send it—it was found in a pile of papers.Did Lincoln forget to post this letter?This is unimaginable.As we all know, this is a very important letter. Someone recalled the scene at that time: "This is just my guess..." Lincoln thought to himself when he finished writing this letter, "Of course, maybe I'm being impatient. Sitting in the White House, I can certainly see more clearly and be more able to command But, if I were in Gettysburg, all I saw were soldiers crying because of their pain, or thousands of bones, maybe then I would not be in a hurry to attack General Lee! I Must have cringed like General Midi too. Now that it has happened, the only thing to do is to admit it. As for this letter, if I send it, I think besides making myself feel good, There will be no other benefit. On the contrary, it will turn General Meady against me, force him out of the army, or ruin his future. This is something no one wants to see." So Lincoln put the packed letter aside.Because he believes that the effect of criticism and accusation is equal to zero. President Lincoln's great change from always pointing out the mistakes of others to being so tolerant later set an example for us.He told us from his own personal experience: Never blame others for their mistakes. Plato once told people such a method: "When you are teaching others, don't make him find that he is being taught; when you point out things that people don't know, make him feel that it is just a reminder of what he has overlooked for a while. You can't Teach him everything, but only tell him how to deal with this kind of thing.” Chesterfield, a famous British politician in the 19th century, said to his son: “If possible, you should be smarter than others, but never You cannot tell others that you are smarter." Of course, if a person says something that you think is definitely wrong, and pointing it out will benefit your communication, of course you can point it out.Instead, you should say something like, "Oh, that's how it is. But I have another idea, and of course, I might be wrong—I'm always wrong. If I'm wrong, please feel free to point it out. .Let's see what the problem is." What happens if you decide someone is wrong and tell him straight up?Let's look at concrete examples, because examples may be more convincing. Mr. F is a young lawyer in New York who recently participated in the debate of an important case.The case is heard by the U.S. Supreme Court.During the debate, a judge asked Mr. F: "The time limit for prosecution in the Maritime Act is 6 years, isn't it?" Mr. F was a little surprised. He looked at the judge for a while, and then said bluntly: "Judge, there is no provision on the time limit for prosecution in the Maritime Law." People suddenly fell silent, and the temperature in the courtroom seemed to drop to zero. Mr. F was right and the judge was wrong. Mr. F told the judge truthfully.But what was the result?Although the law can serve as Mr. F's back, and his argument is also very good, but he did not convince the judge. Mr. F made a big mistake. He pointed out the mistake of a very learned and prestigious person in public, so he failed.Does he do this to help the settlement of the matter?As it turns out, not at all. It's not easy to change a person's mind, even in mild circumstances, let alone in other situations?When you want to prove something, you don't have to say it out loud.You need to pay attention to some strategies to make the other party accept your point of view unconsciously.You can use words like "I might be wrong," "I have other ideas," etc., and it really does work wonders.No matter when, no matter where, no one will object to you and say "I may be wrong, let's see what the problem is". Professor James Harvey Robinson wrote the following passage in "The Process of Decision-Making", which is also very enlightening to us. "...we change our beliefs unconsciously. This change is completely subtle and unnoticed. However, once someone corrects this belief, we generally defend it vigorously. Obviously, this is not the case. Not because of the value of the idea itself, but because our pride has been hurt..." In interpersonal communication, respecting others is an important factor in winning others' favor.For everyone, he has such a desire: that is to satisfy his self-esteem, to be understood, respected, and appreciated.If you satisfy someone's self-esteem, he will appreciate everything you do and like you.
The reason why many people have communication barriers is because they don't understand or forget an important principle - to make others feel important.Everyone has something worthy of praise, as long as you find out about him, their attitude towards you will immediately change. Once, I was in line at the post office near the intersection of 33rd and 8th streets in New York to send a registered letter.I noticed that the post office worker seemed to be very impatient with his work, because he weighed letters, picked up stamps, gave change, and issued receipts all day long... This kind of monotonous and repetitive work year after year.So I said to myself, "I've got to make him like me. Obviously, to get him to like me, I have to say something that pleases him. Not about me, but about him." I asked myself, "Is there anything in him worthy of my sincere admiration?" It's a difficult question to answer when you're dealing with someone you don't know well, but this time, as luck would have it, I quickly discovered something in him that I admired.Just when he praised me, I said to him enthusiastically: "I really hope I can have such good hair as you." He looked up at me, obviously surprised, but soon a delighted smile appeared on his face. "But it's not as good as before." He said modestly.I said to him sincerely, "It's a little less shiny than before, but it's still very good. I really envy you." He looked very happy.So we chatted happily.Finally, he said to me: "There are many people who say that my hair is good." I bet he was in such a good mood at lunch that night; when he got home that night, he would happily tell his wife about it; Pretty." I am not a person who likes to show off, but I will use these examples to tell others the principles of interpersonal communication.Once, I talked about this in a public place.Someone asked me: "You do this, so what do you get from him?" Yes, what do I want from him?What did I get from him?If we are so selfish and only want to get something in return, then we will not give any pleasure, will not give any sincere admiration.If our mind is so narrow, then we will only suffer due failure, without any success and happiness. You hope that people around you will agree with you, hope that your own value will be recognized by others, and hope that you can be valued by others; you don't want to hear cheap flattery, but you are eager to get sincere praise.You want your friends and colleagues to be, as Schkova puts it, "honest in compliments and generous in praise."We all want that.Let us, then, obey this rule ourselves: Treat others as you would like them to treat you. I asked one of the guides at the Radio Mall where Mr. Shovel's office was.The guide, fully dressed, articulated, "Showell, (he pauses) 18th floor, (pauses again) room 1816." He was clearly very proud of the way he answered the question, The chest is straight and the head is held high. I walked to the edge of the elevator, turned back quickly, and said to the guide: "The way you answered me was really wonderful, and I really want to thank you and congratulate you for that. Your answer Very clear and accurate. What an artist you are, what a marvel!" He was refreshed and obviously ecstatic at what I said.He told me why he paused every time, why every sentence he said was so accurate... You see, I made him so proud of my few words that he raised his head high.I suddenly felt that I had done something beneficial to the happiness of mankind that afternoon. Never forget what Emerson once said: "Every man I meet has something better than me. In this respect, I just can learn from him." Anyone you have heard of, you may know It is an undeniable fact that he is better than you in some respects.As long as we admit this, admit the importance of the other person, and express it sincerely, it will get you his friendship. But it's infuriating that people who do nothing but think they're successful spend their days masking their inner insecurities with disgusting rhetoric.This kind of person is just like what Shakespeare said: "Man! arrogant man! With such a little talent, he even behaved in the face of heaven, and deceived the angels to shed tears." The lawyer in Connecticut told me about his own success in following this rule, but he didn't want his name to be known. Let's call him Mr. G for now. Shortly after Mr. G came to my class for training, he and his wife drove to Long Island to visit some of her relatives.His wife left him to chat with her elderly aunt while she went to visit other relatives.Since Mr. G is going to give a lecture on how to use the law of praise in class, he plans to start training his talents in this area from this old lady. Mr. G looked carefully round the old lady's house, hoping to find something he could sincerely admire. "Your house was built around 1890, right?" Mr. G asked the old lady. "Yes," replied the old lady, "that was the year it was built." "It reminds me of the house where I was born," said Mr. G. "It's so nice, so pretty, and so spacious inside! People don't build houses like that anymore, you know." "That's right, young man!" echoed the old woman, saying, "Young people these days don't care much about a nice house. All they want is a small apartment and a refrigerator, and be free." Drive the car without worry, go for a drive around." "This is a house that condenses ideals and hopes." The old lady's voice was a little trembling, and she was lost in memories. She said tenderly, "This house is the crystallization of love between me and my husband. My husband and I are building The design of this house was conceived for many years. We did not hire an architect, it was entirely designed by us.” Then, the old lady led Mr. G to visit the old house.The house is full of souvenir treasures collected by the old lady during her travels around the world: Persian shawls, old English tea sets, Wig porcelain, French bedding, Italian oil paintings, and castle decorations that were popular in the French feudal dynasty. Silk curtains.She has always regarded these things as precious as life. Mr. G expressed his sincere admiration for these things. "After the old lady showed me around the house," Mr. G said, "she took me to the garage. There was an almost new Buick luxury car." "My husband bought this car shortly before he passed away," said the old lady in a low voice. "I haven't used it since he left me...Young man, you are very good at admiring a beautiful car." I am going to give this car to you." "Oh, no! Auntie!" said Mr. G. "you're making me wonder. Of course I'm grateful for your kindness. But how can I accept such a precious thing? I'm not you." immediate family, and I have a car myself. Besides, many relatives like this Buick very much.” "Relatives?" cried the old lady excitedly. "Yes, I do have relatives. But they're all waiting for me to die so they can get my car. But none of them can get it. " "If you don't want to give it to them, you can sell it to a used car franchise." Mr. G told the old lady. "Sell it?" cried the old lady. "Do you think I want to sell it? Do you think I'm willing to let strangers who don't know me ride around in the car my husband bought me?" Run away? Young man, I would never dream of selling it. I just want to give it to you, because you are a man who appreciates beautiful things." Mr. G tried his best to refuse to accept the old lady's car.But he had to accept it in the end, because his refusal only made her sad. The old lady lived alone in this empty old house, and all she had was her Persian shawl, various English and French antiques, and her memories.What she craved was admiration and appreciation like Mr. G's.She was also young and beautiful, with many suitors.She once built this house together with her husband, which contains their eternal and warm love, and they also collected various treasures from various European countries to decorate this love nest.But now, she is old, and in this old and lonely environment, she yearns for a bit of human warmth and sincere praise, but no one gives her what she needs.Now that Mr. G has given her all these, her heart is full of gratitude like the land that has been dry for a long time, and it makes her feel the feeling of long absence.Once she got all this, even giving Mr. G that Buick car could never fully express her gratitude to him. After reading the above story, how can you and I apply this golden rule of complimenting others?The answer is: practice anytime, anywhere, and it will work wonders for you.
If you want to win the favor of others, the easiest, most obvious and most important way is to be able to call out the other person's name casually. Remembering someone's name can sometimes be difficult, especially if the person's name is not easy to remember.Most people don't want to remember such hard-to-remember names, and they think to themselves: "Forget it, just call him by his nickname, and it's easy to remember." But, have you ever thought that once you remember someone's name firmly? , what will be the effect? One of my students, Sid Levy, once visited a customer with a particularly difficult name, Nicodemus Papaduras.Because the name is too difficult to remember, others call him "Nick". Levi told me: "Before I went to visit him, I made a special effort to remember his name. When I saw him, I called him by his full name. I said to him 'Good morning, Mr. Nicodemus Papaduras." He stood there without saying a word, and he was stunned for several minutes without recovering. At last, his tears flowed down, and his voice trembled. I said 'Mr. Levi, I have been in this country for 15 years and no one has ever wanted to call me by my real name like you!'” Rich people often pay poor writers, artists and musicians.They hope that these writers and artists can dedicate their works to them so that their names can be spread along with these works.In our libraries and museums, the most valuable works of art are often donated by wealthy individuals who want their names remembered. This shows that people always attach great importance to their names and want others to remember them. If you want to give people a good impression, the simplest, most obvious and most important way is to be able to call out the other person's name casually.Because of that, you give the other person the feeling of being valued -- and as far as I know, everyone wants to feel that way.This method can be said to be tried and tested. What is the reason for the success of "Steel King" Andrew Carnegie?Although he is known as the "Steel King", he does not have much knowledge of steel.He has thousands of people working for him who know a lot more than he does.The reason for this is that he understands the principles of dealing with people when he talks to people, which is the secret of his fortune. When Carnegie was 10 years old, he caught a female rabbit one day, and soon gave birth to a litter of young rabbits, so the feed was not enough to eat.How did Carnegie handle it?He didn't have a headache at all, and he had a wonderful idea in his mind. He gathered the children in the neighborhood and announced: whoever can pull the most grass to feed the bunny will name the bunny after him.So the children all scrambled to find feed for the little rabbit, and Carnegie's plan was successfully realized.He has never forgotten this success. Throughout his life, he used people's psychology to successfully lead many people. In business, he has made millions using this method.例如，他为了把钢铁轨道卖给宾夕法尼亚州铁路公司，就以该公司董事长区格·汤姆森的名字命名，在匹兹堡建立了一座大型钢厂。 有一次，卡内基控制的中央交通公司和普尔门控制的公司，都想得到联合太平洋铁路公司的生意，你争我夺大杀其价。一天晚上，卡内基在圣尼可斯饭店碰到普尔门。卡内基说：“晚安，普尔门先生，我们岂不是在出自己的洋相吗？”“你这话怎么讲？”普尔门说。卡内基把心中的话说了出来，他想把两家公司合并。他又把合作而不互相竞争的好处说得天花乱坠。普尔门专注地倾听着，最后问道：“你这个公司要叫什么名字呢？”卡内基立即说：“普尔门皇宫卧车公司。”问题就这样顺利地解决了。 卡内基这种记住以及重视朋友和商业界人士名字的方式，是他的卓越领导才能的重要秘密之一。他以能够叫出许多员工的名字而自豪，认为无法记住别人的名字就等于无法记住他的一项很重要的工作。 作为一个政治家，记住选民的名字，往往是他的第一堂课，而如果忘记了他们的名字，你将会很失败。在记住别人的名字方面，富兰克林·罗斯福总统是一个典范。众所周知，罗斯福总统是这个世界上最忙的人之一，但是他知道记住别人名字的重要性，所以舍得花时间去记住那些人。 一次，克莱斯勒公司特意为罗斯福总统制造了一辆汽车，总经理张伯伦和一位机械师将这辆汽车开到了白宫。在张伯伦的信里，他记述了当时的情形： “我教罗斯福总统如何驾驶一辆配置了许多特殊部件的汽车，而罗斯福总统也教给了我许多为人处世的道理。总统非常高兴我被召入白宫，他立刻就叫出了我的名字，这使我非常高兴。令我印象尤为深刻的是，他确实很注意我为他所做的说明。这辆汽车进行了特殊设计，非常完美，可以完全用手进行操作。总统说'这辆汽车真是太完美了。只要按下这个按钮就可以开动它，而且可以毫不费力地进行驾驶。我不知道它是怎么工作的。我希望自己能有时间对它进行研究，看看它是如何工作的。' “当总统的许多朋友和同事都围在四周称赞这辆汽车时，他又当着大家的面对我说'张伯伦先生，你设计这辆车花了大量的时间和精力，非常感谢你。这辆车简直太棒了！' “然后，他又对车内的散热器、特制反光镜、时钟、特制的照明灯、椅垫的款式、驾驶座位、刻有他姓名缩写字母的特制衣箱等加以赞赏——他注意到了每个细节，对于我所付出的心血给予了极大的褒奖。他还特意让罗斯福夫人、秘书波金女士、劳工部长等人注意这些部件。他甚至嘱咐他的黑人司机，对他说'乔治，你可要好好照顾这些衣箱。' “上完驾驶课程之后，总统对我说'好了，张伯伦先生，我已经让联邦储备委员会的委员们等我30分钟了。我想我应该回去工作了。' “我当时带了一位机械师。这位机械师是一个很害羞的人，在我们说话的时候，他总是站在后面。尽管他自始至终没有和总统说过一句话，而且总统也只听我介绍过一次他的名字，但出乎意料的是，当我们离开的时候，总统特意找到这位机械师，并与他握手，还叫出了他的名字，对他来到华盛顿表示感谢。我能感觉出来，他的感谢一点都不做作，而是真心诚意的。几天之后，我收到了一张罗斯福总统亲笔签名的照片，照片后面还附有简短的对我的帮助表示感谢的言辞。作为一位国家元首，罗斯福总统怎么会有时间来做这样的事情呢？这真的让我难以置信。” 罗斯福总统何以给张伯伦先生如此深刻而美好的印象呢？当然不是因为他是国家元首，而是因为他给了人一种被重视的感觉。为什么他能给人这种感觉？原因很简单：他非常尊重他们，并且记住了他们的名字。 在每个人的事业和商业交往中，记住别人的名字也很重要。 得克萨斯州商业股份有限公司董事长班顿拉夫有这样的感触：公司越大，人们之间的关系就会越冷漠。他认为，记住别人的名字，是唯一能使公司氛围变得融洽的办法。 洛克帕罗是加利福尼亚州一家航空公司的服务员，她经常训练自己记住旅客的名字，并注意在服务时叫他们的名字。这使得旅客感到很亲切。有的旅客会当面表扬她，而有的则会写信到公司表扬她。有一封表扬信这样写道：“我很久没有坐你们公司的飞机了。但是从现在开始，我决定以后只坐你们公司的飞机。你们亲切的服务让我觉得你们公司似乎是属于我个人的，这一点十分重要。” 大多数人常常不记得别人的名字，原因多数是他们没有注意到这件事情的重要性。现在，你既然已经知道记住别人的名字有多么重要，为什么还不花点时间和精力去做这件事情呢？拿破仑的侄子——拿破仑三世曾经说：“虽然我很忙，但是我不会忘记所听过的每个人的姓名。” 这不是因为他的记忆力很强，而是因为他的方法非常好。其实，他的方法十分简单。如果他没有听清楚对方的名字，他就会请求对方再说一遍。如果这个名字不常见的话，他会请求对方把这个名字拼写出来。而在谈话的过程中，他会将对方的名字反复记忆，并把它跟其长相、外表和其他特征结合起来。会见完的时候，他通常会把那个名字写下来，然后盯着它看很久，直到确认自己已经牢牢地记住了它才肯罢休。这样一来，当然记得很牢了。 这样看来，记住别人的名字的确需要花一些工夫，但是这显然是值得的。爱默生说过：“礼貌，是由小小的牺牲换来的。”如果你打算融入这个社会，成为交际场上成功的人，这点牺牲又算得了什么呢？
最近我在纽约参加了一个宴会，会上有一位客人，她拥有大量的遗产，由于她太想给每个人留下良好的印象，所以不惜花费重金，为自己添置了名贵的貂皮、钻石、珍珠项链。但是，她对自己的面孔却不知道如何来打扮，她的脸上充满了尖酸刻薄以及自私。她并不明白男人们心中所想的，那就是一个女人脸上的神色，比她身上所穿的衣服更加重要。对了，假如你的妻子下次要买貂皮大衣的时候，你最好别忘了告诉她这句话。 施科瓦先生曾告诉我，说他的微笑能抵得上100万美元。他大概是在向我暗示微笑的真理，因为施科瓦的性格魅力，以及他那令人欢喜的能力，几乎正是他特有的成功的全部原因。而他的个性中最可爱的因素之一，就是他那迷人的微笑能够打动一切人。 有一天下午，我和莫里斯·雪弗莱待在一起。他是后来著名的雪弗莱汽车公司创始人。但是说实话，我并没有什么收获，因为他一直保持沉默，这和我所期望的完全不同。幸运的是，他终于有了微笑，他的这种微笑犹如穿透乌云的太阳。如果不是因为这种迷人的微笑，可能雪弗莱还在巴黎，和他的父亲及兄长那样，继续做一个木匠。 行动胜于言论。做一个真诚微笑的人，微笑会让人觉得你非常友善，他会明白你的心意：“我喜欢你，你使我快乐，我很高兴见到你。” 这就是狗为什么如此讨人喜欢的原因。它们是那么高兴见到我们，以至于兴奋得心都要从肚子里跳出来似的。所以，我们当然也愿意并高兴看见它们。 婴儿的微笑也有同样的效果。你是否去过医院的候诊室？也许你会注意到四周的人都阴沉着脸，十分困倦的样子。住在密苏里州雷顿市的兽医史蒂芬·史波尔曾对我说过这样一件事。 有一年春天，在他的兽医候诊室中挤满了人，他们都带着自己家中准备注射疫苗的宠物。大家都不说话，全都在不耐烦地等着，也许每个人都在想该干些什么，而不是坐在那儿浪费时间。 就在大家等待的时候，进来了一位女士，她带了一个9个月大的孩子和一只小猫。她坐在一位男士的旁边，而这位男士正等得不耐烦了。 幸运的是，当他朝旁边看时，发现那个孩子正注视着他，并天真无邪地向他笑。 你猜这位男士的反应如何？和我们一样，他也对那个孩子笑了笑，然后他就和那位母亲聊了起来，谈到了她的孩子和他的孙子。很快，整个候诊室的气氛开始变得活跃起来，大家也都相互聊天，每个人都有了一种愉快的体验。 那小孩的笑是否不真诚呢？Absolutely not.没有诚意的笑是欺骗不了人的。我们知道那种笑是机械的，人们只会厌恶它。我们是在讲一种真正的微笑、热心的微笑、发自内心的微笑，那种在人际交往中极具价值的微笑。 密歇根大学心理学教授詹姆斯·麦克奈尔对我谈了他对微笑的看法。他说：“那些笑脸常在的人，在管理、教育和推销当中会更容易获得成功，更容易培养快乐的下一代。笑容比皱眉头更能传情达意，这正是为什么教育中更应该以鼓励和微笑取代体罚和处置的原因所在。” 纽约一家大百货商店的人事部经理告诉我：“我情愿出高价雇用一个脸上总是带着可爱微笑的、连小学都没有毕业的女职员，也不愿雇用一位面孔冷淡的哲学博士。”由此可见，微笑的作用多么大。 即使我们不能看到笑的本质，但它的影响却是很大的。 在全美国具有重要影响的美国电话电报公司，有一个栏目“声音的威力”，这个栏目为电话使用者提供免费电话，以推销产品和服务。在这个栏目中，电话公司建议在人们打电话时，应该保持微笑，但是这种微笑只能通过声音来传达。 美国一家大橡胶公司的董事长告诉我说，根据他的观察，一个人无论做什么事，除非他对这件事很感兴趣，否则将很难成功。这位实业界的领袖对“十年寒窗功名就”这句老话并不太相信。 “我所认识的一些人，”他说，“他们起初成功了，是因为他们当时对自己的事业非常感兴趣；但是到了后来，我看见他们开始变成工作的奴隶。工作对他们而言变得异常无聊，他们失掉了所有工作中的乐趣，于是他们最后走向了失败。” 所以，如果你希望自己成为一位受人欢迎的说话高手的话，那么一定要记住，当你看见别人时，你也一定要心情愉悦。 我曾建议我班上的商界学员，让他们花上一个星期的时间，每一天的每一个小时都对别人微笑，然后再回到班上来谈他们的体验。事实上，他们这样做之后的效果怎样呢？ 这是纽约证券交易所会员威廉·史丹哈德写来的一封信。他的情况并不是个别现象。事实上，他只是好几百人中的代表之一。 “我结婚已经有18年了，”史丹哈德写道，“在此期间，我从起床到准备好出门上班，我都很少对我的妻子微笑，或对她说上一两句话。我是那些在百老汇匆匆行走的人当中脾气最坏的一个。 “因为你建议我们去体验微笑，并要求我们就此进行演讲，于是我就想试一个星期，看看效果如何。 “所以，第二天早上，当我梳头的时候，我就看着镜中那副阴沉的面孔，对自己说'比尔，你今天必须扫除你脸上的愁容，你一定要微笑。你现在就必须开始。'我坐下吃早餐的时候，我对我妻子说'亲爱的，早上好。'我说这话的时候，脸上带着微笑。 “你的确曾提醒过我，她可能会感到惊讶。可是，你低估了她的反应程度。她不仅是惊讶不已，简直是被惊呆了。我告诉她，她将来每天都能看到我这种愉快的表情。从此以后，我每天早上都是这样，至今已有两个月了。由于我改变了态度，结果我们家在这两个月中所得到的快乐，比过去两年中所有的快乐还要多。 “现在，当我去办公室的时候，我会对大楼开电梯的人大声说'早上好'，并对他报以微笑。我还微笑着和看门人打招呼。我在地铁售票处兑换零钱的时候，也会微笑地和服务员打招呼。当我站在交易所大厅的时候，还会对那些以前从未见过我微笑的人微笑。 “不久，我就发现每个人都对我也报以微笑。对于那些爱发牢骚的人，我也不再恼怒，而是和颜悦色地对待他们。当我听他们抱怨的时候，我会保持微笑，这样问题就很容易解决了。我发现，微笑给我带来了巨大的财富，我每天都会收获许多财富。” 你不愿意微笑吗？So what to do?有两个办法可以帮助你：第一，强迫自己微笑；第二，如果你一个人独处，不妨强迫自己吹吹口哨，或哼一支小曲，或唱唱歌，就好像你很快乐的样子，那就能使你快乐。
我常听到许多人埋怨“我性情过于羞怯，很难引起别人注意”、“没有人会对我感兴趣”，或是“别人并不想认识我”等。不错，别人为什么要喜欢你呢？这世界并没有义务非要喜欢你或我，或任何一个人。有什么特别理由别人会特别选中你（无论是工作或社交的理由）？除非我们具有他们所要的特质，否则，他们没有必要特别注意到你。 玛丽安·安德逊曾经很生动地描述她早期的生活，她那时事业失败，整个人很不得志，几乎就要放弃歌唱生涯。后来，凭借祈告和心灵的追求，她才逐渐恢复勇气和信心，准备继续为自己的事业奋斗下去。有一天，她兴致勃勃地向母亲说道：“我要再唱下去！我要每个人都喜欢我！我要继续追求完美！” 母亲回答道：“很好啊！这是很好的志向，但是，要知道，人在成就伟大的事业之前，必须先学会谦卑。”玛丽安听了深受感动，因此决心在音乐造诣上“力求”完美，而不是“想要”完美。“谦卑先于伟大”，这是母亲给她的最好赠言。 著名作家荷马·克洛维是我的好朋友，十分懂得交友之道。凡是碰到他的人，无论是清道夫、百万富翁、妇孺老幼，都会在与他相处15分钟之内对他产生好感。小孩会爬到他的膝上，朋友家的仆人会特别用心为他准备餐点，而且假如有人宣布：“今晚荷马·克洛维会到这里来！”则当天的宴会一定没有人缺席。除朋友间深厚的感情之外，荷马·克洛维的家人也都十分敬爱他。他的妻子、女儿，还有好几个孙儿女，全都对他称赞不已。 究竟这位作家是如何赢得这种幸福的？他既不年轻，又不英俊，更不是百万富翁，他有什么魅力可以吸引人呢？说来也很简单，就是待人诚恳、热爱他人而已。他一点也不矫揉造作，并且能让别人感觉到他真的喜欢、关心他们。For him, he doesn't care who the other party is or what he does.只要是身为一个人，对他便意义重大，值得付出关爱。每次他遇见陌生人，很快就能像老朋友一样交谈起来，并不是专谈自己的事，而是尽量谈对方的事。他借由问问题，可以知道对方是从哪里来、做什么事、有没有什么家人等。他也不会唠叨个不停，只是向对方表示自己的兴趣和关心，借以建立起友谊。 当然，为了要得到友谊和情爱，我们必须先认清“施与比受用更有福”，然后把这种认知用实际行为表现出来。我们不能只是把金矿藏在内心，黄金必须使用才能显示其价值，像《圣经》所说的：“由所结的果子，便可认出他们来。”这种方法，连最爱嘲笑人生的人，都会像阳光下的花朵一样吐露芬芳。正像约瑟夫·格鲁大使所说的：“外交的秘诀仅在5个字——我要喜欢你。” 由此我们知道了得到友谊的最佳方法是必须注重施与，而不是获得，但应该是亲自赢取得来的，而不是靠一时的吸引或哄骗。The so-called ability to win friendships does not mean hooking shoulders, striking up conversations, acting funny, or telling funny jokes.That should refer to a state of mind, an attitude toward the world, or a desire to give one's love, interests, attention, and service to others. 好几年前，我准备发表演讲，当时的听众据说相当难缠。我事前与一位好朋友共餐，免不了流露出紧张的情绪。“假如听众不同意我讲的话怎么办？”我神经兮兮地问这位朋友，“假如他们不喜欢我，该怎么办？” “不错，”朋友回答道，“他们为什么要喜欢你呢？你能给他们干什么？你认为自己要讲的话很重要吗？” “我承认那些东西对我来说，的确意义十分重大。”我说道。 “很好，”她继续说道，“我倒不觉得听众喜不喜欢你有什么重要。重要的是你有没有把要讲的信息传达出去。至于他们喜欢或讨厌你，又有什么关系呢？至少，你已完成了任务。” 朋友的这番话，改变了我对演讲的整个看法。现在，每当我准备发表演讲的时候，都会在事前先静心祷告“传达出对这些听众有益的信息来，让他们有所收获，满心欢喜地回家”。这样的祷告对我十分有用，而我也的确希望能对听众有帮助。这样的祷告使我谦卑地体会到自己只不过是个传达某些信息的演讲员，而不是要显露自己的学问或者风采。我的目的是要带给听众一些鼓舞性的思想，以期对他们的生活有助益。 同理，我们总希望别人先来喜欢我们，却不曾想到要如何才能让别人喜欢。现在就让我们着手去做所有能激发爱和友情的事吧。在这方面，威廉·奥斯勒爵士的话很值得我们思索，他说：“我们应该做的不是张望缥缈的未来，而是脚踏实地做好眼前的事。”
Everyone who has visited President Roosevelt will be amazed by his profound knowledge. "Whether it was a shepherd boy or a knight, or a politician or diplomat in New York," wrote Bradford, the authoritative author on Roosevelt, "Roosevelt knew what to talk to him about." 罗斯福究竟如何具备的这种魅力呢？It's easy!No matter who Roosevelt wanted to meet, he would always sleep a little later the night before the other party's arrival, and read some knowledge that the other party was particularly interested in.罗斯福和所有领袖人物一样，深知接触对方内心思想的妙方就是和对方谈论他最感兴趣的事情。 似乎成功人士都懂得这个道理，耶鲁大学原教授菲利普先生谈到了自己早年时的故事。 “我8岁那年，有一次去姑妈家，那是一个周末，”菲利普在一篇谈论人性的小品文中这样写道，“有一个晚上，一位中年人来到姑妈家。在和姑妈随便聊了几句之后，他就把注意力转移到了我身上。当时我对船很感兴趣，而这位来访的客人和我谈论了这方面的知识，当然令我产生了特殊的兴趣。他离开之后，我还对他赞赏不已。他是纽约的一位律师，本来他对有关船的事情是不应该如此热心的，甚至是根本不会有兴趣的。”“可是，他为什么自始至终都在与我谈论船的知识呢？”“因为他是一位高尚的人。他见你对船很感兴趣，就谈论这些你关注并感兴趣的话题。通过这种方法，他使自己成了一个受欢迎的人。” Finally, Professor Philip added: "I will never forget what my aunt said to me." I kept in touch with Mr. Charif, a man who was very enthusiastic about the Scouting cause.In his letter he mentioned to me the story that happened to him. "One day, I felt that I needed help from others," Mr. Charif wrote in the letter. "There will be a boy scout summer camp in Europe. I would like to invite the manager of a large company in the United States to sponsor me and a boy scout. travel expenses. Fortunately, before I went to visit the manager, I heard that he had written a check for $1 million. You know, it was $1 million! So, after meeting him, I Tell him I've never in my life heard of a check for such a huge amount; and I'm going to tell my boy scouts that I did see a check for a million dollars. The manager was very happy as a result He handed me the check. I kept admiring it, and asked him to give me the details of how it was drawn." Note that Mr. Charif initially did not talk to the other about the Boy Scouts or the European summer camps, or about the help he wanted.He just talks about topics that the other party is interested in, so that the other party is willing to talk to him.于是，出现了查立夫先生下面所说的情况。 过了一会儿，我所拜访的那位经理问我：“哦，请问你来找我有什么事？”我就把我的事情告诉了他。令我吃惊的是，他不但立即答应了我的请求，还十分大方地给了我更多的资助。我本来只请他出资赞助一名童子军去欧洲的，可是他慷慨地资助了5名童子军和我本人，给我开了一张1000美元的支票，并建议我们在欧洲玩上7个星期。然后，他又给我写了一封介绍信，把我引荐给他在欧洲分公司的经理，请他到时候帮助我们。 查立夫先生又说：“但是我也很清楚，如果当时没有找到他感兴趣的话题，让他高兴起来，那么这件事不仅不会办得这么容易，我想大概连1/10的机会都没有。” This is the miraculous effect of this method, which can form a good communication effect and open up your interpersonal relationship. The late famous psychologist Adler in Vienna wrote a book called "The Meaning of Life".在那本书中，他说：“对别人漠不关心的人，他的一生困难最多，对别人的损害也最大。所有人类的失败，都是由这些人造成的。”也许你读过几十卷关于理学方面的书，但是却再也找不到比这句话对你和我更重要的了。I don't like to repeat, but Adler's words are so profound that I wish to reproduce them below: "He who is indifferent to others has the most difficult life and the most injurious to others. All human failures , are all caused by these people.” If we want to make friends and be popular talkers, we need to deal with people with enthusiasm and vigor. 查尔斯·华尔德是纽约市一家大银行的员工，他有一次受命准备一份关于某公司的机密文件。他知道某个人掌握了他所急需的这些材料。 于是，华尔德就去拜见这个人，他是一家大实业公司的董事长。正当华尔德被引进董事长办公室时，一位青年女子从门外伸进头来，告诉董事长说她今天没有什么可给他的邮票。 “是这样的，”董事长对华尔德解释道，“我正在为我12岁的儿子搜集邮票。” 华尔德向他介绍了自己的来意，开始问他一些问题。这位董事长的回答十分含糊不清——很明显，他不愿讲话，没有什么事情能够引起他的兴趣并令他开口的，因此这次会谈变得简短而枯燥。 “说实话，我当时不知如何是好，”华尔德在我班上讲这件事时说，“然后，我想起他的秘书对他说过的话——邮票，12岁的儿子……同时我又想起我们银行的外汇兑换部经常收集邮票——世界各地寄来的信上取下的邮票。 “第二天下午，我再次前去拜访这位董事长，并请人传话进去，说我有些邮票要给他的儿子。结果呢，我是不是受到了热烈的欢迎呢？当然是的，先生。即使是他要竞选国会议员，也不可能那么热情地握着我的手了。他发出善意的微笑，说'我的乔治肯定会喜欢的。'他抚摸着邮票，不断地说，'看这张！这可是无价之宝啊。' “我们花了一个小时谈论邮票，并看了他儿子的照片。然后，他用了一个多小时的时间，谈到了他所知道的一切情况，又把他的下属叫进来询问。他还给他几位常有来往的人打了电话——他把所有的事实、数字、报告以及信件全都给了我。用一位新闻记者的话来说，我得了一个'大丰收'。” 在公元前100年，古罗马著名的诗人西拉斯就曾说过：“我们对别人产生兴趣的时候，恰好是别人对我们产生兴趣的时候。”所以，与人相处的重要一条原则就是：真诚地关心他人，讨论对方感兴趣的话题。
掌握好交谈的时机，在恰当的时候告别会给别人留下深刻的印象，达到交谈的目的。如果一味地交谈，就会让自己的魅力打折。这是很多成功人士交际中的小秘诀。 以前曾参加我课程训练班的学员詹姆斯感到自己学到的东西还不够用，就又一次进了我的课程训练班，要求再进行学习。我对他表示欢迎之后，问他：“你认为自己目前最大的问题是什么？” 詹姆斯老老实实地回答道：“说实在的，我自己也不知道。从你那儿我确实学会了热忱、自信、勇气以及如何赞扬别人……这一切都使我获益匪浅。” 我也奇怪了，就继续问他：“你一定赢得了许多朋友吧。” “是的，确实如此，但朋友们不欢迎我第二次上他们家做客。” “这是为什么呢？” “我不知道。”詹姆斯接着往下说，没想到他从朋友的性格一直说到阿拉斯加的天气、风土人情……口若悬河地讲了近三个小时。我早已满脸倦意，不过这下我可知道詹姆斯的朋友不欢迎他的原因了。詹姆斯太健谈了，毫无休止，根本不懂告别的艺术，于是我打断詹姆斯的话说：“詹姆斯先生，我已经明白你的朋友不欢迎你的原因了。” “噢，那太好了，你赶快教教我吧。”詹姆斯兴奋地叫道。 我不忍当场说出他的缺点，使他没面子，就婉转地说：“明天你来上培训课吧，看看其他学员怎么做，你就会明白的。” 詹姆斯急切地问道：“你能今天就告诉我吗？我实在是太想知道了。”我微笑着劝道：“不要着急，明天知道对你有好处，反正也不在乎这一天半天的了。” 詹姆斯见我把话说到这个分上，只好恋恋不舍地戴好帽子，遗憾地说：“哎，要等到明天才能知道。” 第二天，詹姆斯来到班上。我给学员们布置任务，让他们训练说话的艺术，互相赞美对方。詹姆斯见我一直没有说他的事，就有点坐不住了。但我微笑着示意他不要动。他只好耐着性子在那儿看其他学员们练习。下课的时间到了，有些学员站起来向我告别，有些学员仍留在教室里：其中有一位女学员走过来问一个问题。 我仔细地倾听着，一边给那位学员做解释，我已经把她当成屋子里最重要的人了。女学员离去后，又有几位学员过来把我围住向我请教问题。我一一作了简明扼要的回答，给他们留下很深的印象。 詹姆斯实在熬不住了，就走过来对我说：“您可以告诉我我的问题了吧？”我说：“你的谈话很有魅力，充满了艺术性，是个很
When getting along with others, some people are always very picky and harsh, and don't consider other people's "face" at all.When accusing or criticizing others, some people are also very direct, and even satisfy their own vanity by trampling on other people's emotions.Doing so can easily hurt others.If you have made such a mistake, you must correct it. When getting along with others, the first thing to do is to respect each other, so that the other party has a sense of self-esteem and self-respect, which plays a vital role in whether we can get along with others happily and harmoniously.In fact, other people's sense of self-esteem and self-respect is what we usually call "face".Therefore, I have to emphasize this point again to everyone here, it is very important to save other people's face. However, I have to regret to say that this doesn't seem to attract most people's attention.People are more willing to directly point out the mistakes of others, and use a method of trampling on other people's emotions and stabbing their self-esteem to satisfy their own vanity and self-esteem.Many people have little regard for other people's face. They prefer to find fault, put on airs, or criticize their children or employees in front of others, rather than think seriously for a few minutes and say a few words of concern for them.In fact, if we can put ourselves in other people's shoes and show concern for them from the bottom of our hearts, the situation will be less embarrassing. A few years ago, the famous General Electric Company had a very difficult problem because they didn't know how to deal with George Schlemm, the eccentric and irascible planning director.The GM directors had to admit that George Schlemm was a super genius in the electrical department. For him, nothing is impossible.The directors regretted very much that they had transferred George to the planning department because he was completely incompetent for his job here.Although someone offered to tell George directly about the decision to switch positions, the directors of the company were not willing to hurt his self-esteem because he was a rare talent after all, not to mention that this genius was also a person with very strong self-esteem.In the end, the directors took a rather tactful approach.They gave George a new title that had never been seen before in the company—consulting engineer.In fact, the nature of the so-called consulting engineer's work was exactly the same as that of George's previous work in the electrical department.However, George was very satisfied with the company's arrangement and did not complain to the higher authorities.In this way, the senior leaders of the company were very happy, because they were glad that they had chosen to save George's face, otherwise this sensitive big-name star would definitely bring the company upside down. It can be seen that sometimes criticizing or punishing others does not have to be straightforward, and we can achieve our goals tactfully and indirectly.If you can point out other people's mistakes while preserving their self-esteem, maybe they will be more receptive to your opinion. Something like firing an employee is not an easy thing to do.My friend Sophie once told me about her experience: "The profession of accountants is seasonal, because our business is like this, I can't hire those capable accountants without business." Sophie said with some helplessness, "Seriously, Dell! You You know? It's not very fun to fire someone, and in fact I know it's even more so to be fired by someone else. But I have no other choice, and I have to say sorry to a lot of people after the income tax filing craze .In fact, none of us want to face this reality. There is a joke in our industry: No one wants to pick up an axe. Yes, no one wants to fire anyone. But, as we all know, I will face it sooner or later, and I can’t hide from it. Therefore, everyone seems to have become insensitive, and they just hope that this pain can be driven away one day sooner. Most of the time, people will talk in this way: 'You know, the peak season is over now, so we don't need to continue to hire you. Don't worry, when the peak season comes again, we will continue to employ you, so you have to temporarily lose your job.' This is true for others. It's cruel, and often those people won't come back to work for you. So, I never say that to people." I was very interested in what Sophie said, and asked, "Then how did you tell those accountants?" Sophie said proudly: "I never do such stupid things that hurt people's self-esteem. When I have to fire someone, I always say politely: 'Mr. , I am also very satisfied. I remember one time when you went to New York and the work there was so boring, but you managed it very well. I can't imagine that you didn't make a mistake. I hope you I know that you are the pride of our company, we have no doubts about your ability, I hope you will always support us, and of course we will always support you.'” "And then?" I asked puzzled.Sophie smiled and said: "Then I settled the bill for him and let him go. In fact, as an accountant, everyone knows very well that by this time they will definitely face unemployment. They are facing When things happen, what I want more is a dignity. I gave those accountants dignity, and they are very happy to come back to us again to help me continue to work." I think you have already realized the importance of saving other people's face.Yes, it will often bring you unexpected gains, and it will also make your interpersonal relationship harmonious, natural and harmonious. Some people may think that I am scaremongering, we do not save other people's face, and in any case we cannot say that we have ruined a person.In fact, I don't mean to exaggerate on purpose, because if you intentionally hurt someone's self-esteem, it is really possible to make him never look back.
There's a time-tested saying, "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing." It should be a mantra for what to say throughout the day, and it's a golden word.Let me tell a story here first. A king asked his two ministers to find two things in the world: one is the best in the world, and the other is the worst in the world.The two ministers set out separately and returned to the palace at the time appointed by the king, presenting to the king what they found and thought most suitable.The first minister opened the box and showed the best thing in the world, which contained a human tongue; the other minister also opened the box and showed the worst thing in the world, which also contained a human tongue. The human tongue can be said to be the best thing in the world, or it can be said to be the worst thing in the world.Because on different occasions, some people use one sentence to make the whole atmosphere lively, and some people use one sentence to destroy the whole atmosphere. "James" said: "It is not right for praise and cursing to come from the same mouth." If the words spoken are not beneficial to others or yourself, then it is better not to say them, rather than to increase them by saying them. Unnecessary trouble is not as good as "Silence is golden".Therefore, you must think twice before speaking, and stop when you speak, and first think about whether what you want to say is good or bad. A wise person will always control his tongue to prevent himself from saying something wrong and spreading rumors around. A man ran to a philosopher in a hurry and said, "I have some news for you..." "Wait a moment," interrupted the philosopher, "has the news you are about to tell me passed through three sieves?" "Three sieves? Which three sieves?" the man asked puzzled. "The first of these three sieves is called truth. Is the news you want to tell me true?" "I don't know, I heard it from the street..." "Now you use a second sieve. What you're going to tell me should be at least benign if not true." The man hesitated and said, "No, on the contrary..." The philosopher interrupted him again: "Then you use a third sieve. I want to ask you, is the news that excites you so important?" "It's not important." The man replied sheepishly. "Since what you are going to tell me is neither true, nor kind, nor important, then do not say it! Then the news will not bother you and me," said the philosopher. Some people just like this. They usually cannot be upright, honest and kind, but they like to gossip, gossip, and chatter about trivial matters all day long.This is a kind of trouble for both the speaker and the listener, and it is of no benefit.This kind of person must be a mediocre person if he is not a villain.Therefore, those who can speak should carefully consider whether what you say is beneficial to the progress of the matter before speaking, or whether it can achieve the purpose and effect you want. After David's parents divorced, he was sentenced to his mother, who raised and cared for him.Due to financial constraints, the mother and son had to move to another city.David then also went to a new school to take classes and began to make new friends.The changes broke his heart. He began to resent children whose parents hadn't divorced, and often got into fights for petty or no-reason reasons.In this miserable life he had developed the habit of being unduly exacting.He hardly had a good word for anyone. One day, a classmate who knew David's situation very well walked up to him. "My parents are getting divorced too," he said softly. "I know you're hurting. But you've got to let go of your anger and pain. You're only hurting yourself when you get in trouble with other people. If you can't say something If you have something nice to say, you'd better not say anything." David did initially have a hard time taking this classmate's advice because of his pain, but now that things seemed to be getting worse, he became more cautious about what he said.He often swallowed back words that were about to be blurted out. In the past, his hurtful and sarcastic words would have been unrestrained.He began to realize how little he cared about his classmates before.As his understanding expanded, he began to understand that he was not alone in experiencing family upheavals like his, but that many other children had also experienced embarrassing family breakdowns.David began to think of ways to encourage them and help them deal with their pain and confusion.By the end of the term, David had undergone a radical U-turn and gained the affections of fellow students who had alienated him because of his inability to control his temper. Anyone at home, school, or work has probably experienced emotionally stressful situations.We are often tempted to blame others when things don't go our way, and we may think that finding fault with others will make us feel better about our situation.But it may also be thinking like this: "I'm having a hard time, so don't think about it either." Destructive language often produces destructive results.In moments of “down” that we all go through, if we can’t say good things about people, we might as well not say anything at all.Know that in addition to causing unnecessary pain to those around us, the negative words that come out of our mouths often only compound the problem. We don't have any reason to say crude and hurtful things, even when we're faced with overwhelming challenges in life.As mentioned earlier, the child whose parents are divorced is tormented by many feelings and emotions that he cannot understand and cannot resolve.But he finally discovered that belittling and hurting others is not the answer.By speaking kindly and understandingly, or simply by listening to others with sympathy, he finally learns to help others; in turn, he is helped by those around him, and he finally finds in himself the courage to live.
Under the influence of the social atmosphere of advocating "name" and "power", it seems that when we look at a matter, we always stand in our own position habitually, and seldom think about the other party. Once, I saw a wife who took good care of her husband and worked hard without complaint, but the husband was still unhappy, and when there was something wrong, he would scold her head and face.Or the husband loves his wife very much, but the wife is still dissatisfied, always feeling that her husband is not good enough for her, unable to be as promising as others, full of grievances and grievances. In fact, such an accusation, no matter who it is, will feel sad.If you want to establish a harmonious partnership with others, the key is to be more tolerant, less accusatory, and have a correct communication method based on problem solving. When Theodore Roosevelt entered the White House, he admitted that if he got it right 75 percent of the time, he was meeting his highest expectations.If that is the highest hope of one of the greatest men of the 20th century, what about you and me?If you're sure you're right 55 percent of the time, you can go to Wall Street and make a million dollars a day.If you don't have such assurance, how can you say others are wrong? When I studied Lincoln in his youth, I was surprised to find that the big-hearted Lincoln was very fond of criticizing others when he was young, and often wrote satirical letters to those he thought were bad.Even after he became a trainee lawyer, he often attacked those who opposed him in the newspapers. In the autumn of 1842, Lincoln experienced an unforgettable event.At that time, he wrote an anonymous letter published in the newspaper, mocking a self-important politician James Sills.The letter brought Hills the ridicule of the town.Hills was so angry that he tried his best to track down the writer, and finally found out that the letter was written by Lincoln.He demanded a duel with Lincoln to preserve his honor.In the following days, Lincoln has been in a state of guilt and self-blame, because all this was caused by his accusation of the other party's mistakes.In this state of mind, he waited for the thrilling moment.Fortunately, at the moment before the duel started, someone came forward to stop the duel. How foolish it is to be forced to fight someone else for life by blaming them for their mistakes.Lincoln finally decided not to do such a thing again. During the Civil War, Lincoln was accused of misemploying men.Lincoln did not blame his subordinates for this, but remained silent."If you accuse and criticize others, they will do the same to you," he said, adding, "Don't blame them, it's probably the same for us." The Battle of Gettysburg, which began on July 3, 1863, was the most important battle of the Civil War. Due to a major mistake by General Midi, General Lee and his army successfully crossed the Potomac River and preserved their strength. When he heard the news, Lincoln was furious and disappointed, and he wrote a letter to General Midi.The content of the letter is as follows: You can guess what expression General Midi will have when he reads this letter.However, you may be surprised that he never received the letter, because Lincoln didn't send it—it was found in a pile of papers.Did Lincoln forget to post this letter?This is unimaginable.As we all know, this is a very important letter. Someone recalled the scene at that time: "This is just my guess..." Lincoln thought to himself when he finished writing this letter, "Of course, maybe I'm being impatient. Sitting in the White House, I can certainly see more clearly and be more able to command But, if I were in Gettysburg, all I saw were soldiers crying because of their pain, or thousands of bones, maybe then I would not be in a hurry to attack General Lee! I Must have cringed like General Midi too. Now that it has happened, the only thing to do is to admit it. As for this letter, if I send it, I think besides making myself feel good, There will be no other benefit. On the contrary, it will turn General Meady against me, force him out of the army, or ruin his future. This is something no one wants to see." So Lincoln put the packed letter aside.Because he believes that the effect of criticism and accusation is equal to zero. President Lincoln's great change from always pointing out the mistakes of others to being so tolerant later set an example for us.He told us from his own personal experience: Never blame others for their mistakes. Plato once told people such a method: "When you are teaching others, don't make him find that he is being taught; when you point out things that people don't know, make him feel that it is just a reminder of what he has overlooked for a while. You can't Teach him everything, but only tell him how to deal with this kind of thing.” Chesterfield, a famous British politician in the 19th century, said to his son: “If possible, you should be smarter than others, but never You cannot tell others that you are smarter." Of course, if a person says something that you think is definitely wrong, and pointing it out will benefit your communication, of course you can point it out.Instead, you should say something like, "Oh, that's how it is. But I have another idea, and of course, I might be wrong—I'm always wrong. If I'm wrong, please feel free to point it out. .Let's see what the problem is." What happens if you decide someone is wrong and tell him straight up?Let's look at concrete examples, because examples may be more convincing. Mr. F is a young lawyer in New York who recently participated in the debate of an important case.The case is heard by the U.S. Supreme Court.During the debate, a judge asked Mr. F: "The time limit for prosecution in the Maritime Act is 6 years, isn't it?" Mr. F was a little surprised. He looked at the judge for a while, and then said bluntly: "Judge, there is no provision on the time limit for prosecution in the Maritime Law." People suddenly fell silent, and the temperature in the courtroom seemed to drop to zero. Mr. F was right and the judge was wrong. Mr. F told the judge truthfully.But what was the result?Although the law can serve as Mr. F's back, and his argument is also very good, but he did not convince the judge. Mr. F made a big mistake. He pointed out the mistake of a very learned and prestigious person in public, so he failed.Does he do this to help the settlement of the matter?As it turns out, not at all. It's not easy to change a person's mind, even in mild circumstances, let alone in other situations?When you want to prove something, you don't have to say it out loud.You need to pay attention to some strategies to make the other party accept your point of view unconsciously.You can use words like "I might be wrong," "I have other ideas," etc., and it really does work wonders.No matter when, no matter where, no one will object to you and say "I may be wrong, let's see what the problem is". Professor James Harvey Robinson wrote the following passage in "The Process of Decision-Making", which is also very enlightening to us. "...we change our beliefs unconsciously. This change is completely subtle and unnoticed. However, once someone corrects this belief, we generally defend it vigorously. Obviously, this is not the case. Not because of the value of the idea itself, but because our pride has been hurt..." In interpersonal communication, respecting others is an important factor in winning others' favor.For everyone, he has such a desire: that is to satisfy his self-esteem, to be understood, respected, and appreciated.If you satisfy someone's self-esteem, he will appreciate everything you do and like you.
The reason why many people have communication barriers is because they don't understand or forget an important principle - to make others feel important.Everyone has something worthy of praise, as long as you find out about him, their attitude towards you will immediately change. Once, I was in line at the post office near the intersection of 33rd and 8th streets in New York to send a registered letter.I noticed that the post office worker seemed to be very impatient with his work, because he weighed letters, picked up stamps, gave change, and issued receipts all day long... This kind of monotonous and repetitive work year after year.So I said to myself, "I've got to make him like me. Obviously, to get him to like me, I have to say something that pleases him. Not about me, but about him." I asked myself, "Is there anything in him worthy of my sincere admiration?" It's a difficult question to answer when you're dealing with someone you don't know well, but this time, as luck would have it, I quickly discovered something in him that I admired.Just when he praised me, I said to him enthusiastically: "I really hope I can have such good hair as you." He looked up at me, obviously surprised, but soon a delighted smile appeared on his face. "But it's not as good as before." He said modestly.I said to him sincerely, "It's a little less shiny than before, but it's still very good. I really envy you." He looked very happy.So we chatted happily.Finally, he said to me: "There are many people who say that my hair is good." I bet he was in such a good mood at lunch that night; when he got home that night, he would happily tell his wife about it; Pretty." I am not a person who likes to show off, but I will use these examples to tell others the principles of interpersonal communication.Once, I talked about this in a public place.Someone asked me: "You do this, so what do you get from him?" Yes, what do I want from him?What did I get from him?If we are so selfish and only want to get something in return, then we will not give any pleasure, will not give any sincere admiration.If our mind is so narrow, then we will only suffer due failure, without any success and happiness. You hope that people around you will agree with you, hope that your own value will be recognized by others, and hope that you can be valued by others; you don't want to hear cheap flattery, but you are eager to get sincere praise.You want your friends and colleagues to be, as Schkova puts it, "honest in compliments and generous in praise."We all want that.Let us, then, obey this rule ourselves: Treat others as you would like them to treat you. I asked one of the guides at the Radio Mall where Mr. Shovel's office was.The guide, fully dressed, articulated, "Showell, (he pauses) 18th floor, (pauses again) room 1816." He was clearly very proud of the way he answered the question, The chest is straight and the head is held high. I walked to the edge of the elevator, turned back quickly, and said to the guide: "The way you answered me was really wonderful, and I really want to thank you and congratulate you for that. Your answer Very clear and accurate. What an artist you are, what a marvel!" He was refreshed and obviously ecstatic at what I said.He told me why he paused every time, why every sentence he said was so accurate... You see, I made him so proud of my few words that he raised his head high.I suddenly felt that I had done something beneficial to the happiness of mankind that afternoon. Never forget what Emerson once said: "Every man I meet has something better than me. In this respect, I just can learn from him." Anyone you have heard of, you may know It is an undeniable fact that he is better than you in some respects.As long as we admit this, admit the importance of the other person, and express it sincerely, it will get you his friendship. But it's infuriating that people who do nothing but think they're successful spend their days masking their inner insecurities with disgusting rhetoric.This kind of person is just like what Shakespeare said: "Man! arrogant man! With such a little talent, he even behaved in the face of heaven, and deceived the angels to shed tears." The lawyer in Connecticut told me about his own success in following this rule, but he didn't want his name to be known. Let's call him Mr. G for now. Shortly after Mr. G came to my class for training, he and his wife drove to Long Island to visit some of her relatives.His wife left him to chat with her elderly aunt while she went to visit other relatives.Since Mr. G is going to give a lecture on how to use the law of praise in class, he plans to start training his talents in this area from this old lady. Mr. G looked carefully round the old lady's house, hoping to find something he could sincerely admire. "Your house was built around 1890, right?" Mr. G asked the old lady. "Yes," replied the old lady, "that was the year it was built." "It reminds me of the house where I was born," said Mr. G. "It's so nice, so pretty, and so spacious inside! People don't build houses like that anymore, you know." "That's right, young man!" echoed the old woman, saying, "Young people these days don't care much about a nice house. All they want is a small apartment and a refrigerator, and be free." Drive the car without worry, go for a drive around." "This is a house that condenses ideals and hopes." The old lady's voice was a little trembling, and she was lost in memories. She said tenderly, "This house is the crystallization of love between me and my husband. My husband and I are building The design of this house was conceived for many years. We did not hire an architect, it was entirely designed by us.” Then, the old lady led Mr. G to visit the old house.The house is full of souvenir treasures collected by the old lady during her travels around the world: Persian shawls, old English tea sets, Wig porcelain, French bedding, Italian oil paintings, and castle decorations that were popular in the French feudal dynasty. Silk curtains.She has always regarded these things as precious as life. Mr. G expressed his sincere admiration for these things. "After the old lady showed me around the house," Mr. G said, "she took me to the garage. There was an almost new Buick luxury car." "My husband bought this car shortly before he passed away," said the old lady in a low voice. "I haven't used it since he left me...Young man, you are very good at admiring a beautiful car." I am going to give this car to you." "Oh, no! Auntie!" said Mr. G. "you're making me wonder. Of course I'm grateful for your kindness. But how can I accept such a precious thing? I'm not you." immediate family, and I have a car myself. Besides, many relatives like this Buick very much.” "Relatives?" cried the old lady excitedly. "Yes, I do have relatives. But they're all waiting for me to die so they can get my car. But none of them can get it. " "If you don't want to give it to them, you can sell it to a used car franchise." Mr. G told the old lady. "Sell it?" cried the old lady. "Do you think I want to sell it? Do you think I'm willing to let strangers who don't know me ride around in the car my husband bought me?" Run away? Young man, I would never dream of selling it. I just want to give it to you, because you are a man who appreciates beautiful things." Mr. G tried his best to refuse to accept the old lady's car.But he had to accept it in the end, because his refusal only made her sad. The old lady lived alone in this empty old house, and all she had was her Persian shawl, various English and French antiques, and her memories.What she craved was admiration and appreciation like Mr. G's.She was also young and beautiful, with many suitors.She once built this house together with her husband, which contains their eternal and warm love, and they also collected various treasures from various European countries to decorate this love nest.But now, she is old, and in this old and lonely environment, she yearns for a bit of human warmth and sincere praise, but no one gives her what she needs.Now that Mr. G has given her all these, her heart is full of gratitude like the land that has been dry for a long time, and it makes her feel the feeling of long absence.Once she got all this, even giving Mr. G that Buick car could never fully express her gratitude to him. After reading the above story, how can you and I apply this golden rule of complimenting others?The answer is: practice anytime, anywhere, and it will work wonders for you.
If you want to win the favor of others, the easiest, most obvious and most important way is to be able to call out the other person's name casually. Remembering someone's name can sometimes be difficult, especially if the person's name is not easy to remember.Most people don't want to remember such hard-to-remember names, and they think to themselves: "Forget it, just call him by his nickname, and it's easy to remember." But, have you ever thought that once you remember someone's name firmly? , what will be the effect? One of my students, Sid Levy, once visited a customer with a particularly difficult name, Nicodemus Papaduras.Because the name is too difficult to remember, others call him "Nick". Levi told me: "Before I went to visit him, I made a special effort to remember his name. When I saw him, I called him by his full name. I said to him 'Good morning, Mr. Nicodemus Papaduras." He stood there without saying a word, and he was stunned for several minutes without recovering. At last, his tears flowed down, and his voice trembled. I said 'Mr. Levi, I have been in this country for 15 years and no one has ever wanted to call me by my real name like you!'” Rich people often pay poor writers, artists and musicians.They hope that these writers and artists can dedicate their works to them so that their names can be spread along with these works.In our libraries and museums, the most valuable works of art are often donated by wealthy individuals who want their names remembered. This shows that people always attach great importance to their names and want others to remember them. If you want to give people a good impression, the simplest, most obvious and most important way is to be able to call out the other person's name casually.Because of that, you give the other person the feeling of being valued -- and as far as I know, everyone wants to feel that way.This method can be said to be tried and tested. What is the reason for the success of "Steel King" Andrew Carnegie?Although he is known as the "Steel King", he does not have much knowledge of steel.He has thousands of people working for him who know a lot more than he does.The reason for this is that he understands the principles of dealing with people when he talks to people, which is the secret of his fortune. When Carnegie was 10 years old, he caught a female rabbit one day, and soon gave birth to a litter of young rabbits, so the feed was not enough to eat.How did Carnegie handle it?He didn't have a headache at all, and he had a wonderful idea in his mind. He gathered the children in the neighborhood and announced: whoever can pull the most grass to feed the bunny will name the bunny after him.So the children all scrambled to find feed for the little rabbit, and Carnegie's plan was successfully realized.He has never forgotten this success. Throughout his life, he used people's psychology to successfully lead many people. In business, he has made millions using this method.例如，他为了把钢铁轨道卖给宾夕法尼亚州铁路公司，就以该公司董事长区格·汤姆森的名字命名，在匹兹堡建立了一座大型钢厂。 有一次，卡内基控制的中央交通公司和普尔门控制的公司，都想得到联合太平洋铁路公司的生意，你争我夺大杀其价。一天晚上，卡内基在圣尼可斯饭店碰到普尔门。卡内基说：“晚安，普尔门先生，我们岂不是在出自己的洋相吗？”“你这话怎么讲？”普尔门说。卡内基把心中的话说了出来，他想把两家公司合并。他又把合作而不互相竞争的好处说得天花乱坠。普尔门专注地倾听着，最后问道：“你这个公司要叫什么名字呢？”卡内基立即说：“普尔门皇宫卧车公司。”问题就这样顺利地解决了。 卡内基这种记住以及重视朋友和商业界人士名字的方式，是他的卓越领导才能的重要秘密之一。他以能够叫出许多员工的名字而自豪，认为无法记住别人的名字就等于无法记住他的一项很重要的工作。 作为一个政治家，记住选民的名字，往往是他的第一堂课，而如果忘记了他们的名字，你将会很失败。在记住别人的名字方面，富兰克林·罗斯福总统是一个典范。众所周知，罗斯福总统是这个世界上最忙的人之一，但是他知道记住别人名字的重要性，所以舍得花时间去记住那些人。 一次，克莱斯勒公司特意为罗斯福总统制造了一辆汽车，总经理张伯伦和一位机械师将这辆汽车开到了白宫。在张伯伦的信里，他记述了当时的情形： “我教罗斯福总统如何驾驶一辆配置了许多特殊部件的汽车，而罗斯福总统也教给了我许多为人处世的道理。总统非常高兴我被召入白宫，他立刻就叫出了我的名字，这使我非常高兴。令我印象尤为深刻的是，他确实很注意我为他所做的说明。这辆汽车进行了特殊设计，非常完美，可以完全用手进行操作。总统说'这辆汽车真是太完美了。只要按下这个按钮就可以开动它，而且可以毫不费力地进行驾驶。我不知道它是怎么工作的。我希望自己能有时间对它进行研究，看看它是如何工作的。' “当总统的许多朋友和同事都围在四周称赞这辆汽车时，他又当着大家的面对我说'张伯伦先生，你设计这辆车花了大量的时间和精力，非常感谢你。这辆车简直太棒了！' “然后，他又对车内的散热器、特制反光镜、时钟、特制的照明灯、椅垫的款式、驾驶座位、刻有他姓名缩写字母的特制衣箱等加以赞赏——他注意到了每个细节，对于我所付出的心血给予了极大的褒奖。他还特意让罗斯福夫人、秘书波金女士、劳工部长等人注意这些部件。他甚至嘱咐他的黑人司机，对他说'乔治，你可要好好照顾这些衣箱。' “上完驾驶课程之后，总统对我说'好了，张伯伦先生，我已经让联邦储备委员会的委员们等我30分钟了。我想我应该回去工作了。' “我当时带了一位机械师。这位机械师是一个很害羞的人，在我们说话的时候，他总是站在后面。尽管他自始至终没有和总统说过一句话，而且总统也只听我介绍过一次他的名字，但出乎意料的是，当我们离开的时候，总统特意找到这位机械师，并与他握手，还叫出了他的名字，对他来到华盛顿表示感谢。我能感觉出来，他的感谢一点都不做作，而是真心诚意的。几天之后，我收到了一张罗斯福总统亲笔签名的照片，照片后面还附有简短的对我的帮助表示感谢的言辞。作为一位国家元首，罗斯福总统怎么会有时间来做这样的事情呢？这真的让我难以置信。” 罗斯福总统何以给张伯伦先生如此深刻而美好的印象呢？当然不是因为他是国家元首，而是因为他给了人一种被重视的感觉。为什么他能给人这种感觉？原因很简单：他非常尊重他们，并且记住了他们的名字。 在每个人的事业和商业交往中，记住别人的名字也很重要。 得克萨斯州商业股份有限公司董事长班顿拉夫有这样的感触：公司越大，人们之间的关系就会越冷漠。他认为，记住别人的名字，是唯一能使公司氛围变得融洽的办法。 洛克帕罗是加利福尼亚州一家航空公司的服务员，她经常训练自己记住旅客的名字，并注意在服务时叫他们的名字。这使得旅客感到很亲切。有的旅客会当面表扬她，而有的则会写信到公司表扬她。有一封表扬信这样写道：“我很久没有坐你们公司的飞机了。但是从现在开始，我决定以后只坐你们公司的飞机。你们亲切的服务让我觉得你们公司似乎是属于我个人的，这一点十分重要。” 大多数人常常不记得别人的名字，原因多数是他们没有注意到这件事情的重要性。现在，你既然已经知道记住别人的名字有多么重要，为什么还不花点时间和精力去做这件事情呢？拿破仑的侄子——拿破仑三世曾经说：“虽然我很忙，但是我不会忘记所听过的每个人的姓名。” 这不是因为他的记忆力很强，而是因为他的方法非常好。其实，他的方法十分简单。如果他没有听清楚对方的名字，他就会请求对方再说一遍。如果这个名字不常见的话，他会请求对方把这个名字拼写出来。而在谈话的过程中，他会将对方的名字反复记忆，并把它跟其长相、外表和其他特征结合起来。会见完的时候，他通常会把那个名字写下来，然后盯着它看很久，直到确认自己已经牢牢地记住了它才肯罢休。这样一来，当然记得很牢了。 这样看来，记住别人的名字的确需要花一些工夫，但是这显然是值得的。爱默生说过：“礼貌，是由小小的牺牲换来的。”如果你打算融入这个社会，成为交际场上成功的人，这点牺牲又算得了什么呢？
最近我在纽约参加了一个宴会，会上有一位客人，她拥有大量的遗产，由于她太想给每个人留下良好的印象，所以不惜花费重金，为自己添置了名贵的貂皮、钻石、珍珠项链。但是，她对自己的面孔却不知道如何来打扮，她的脸上充满了尖酸刻薄以及自私。她并不明白男人们心中所想的，那就是一个女人脸上的神色，比她身上所穿的衣服更加重要。对了，假如你的妻子下次要买貂皮大衣的时候，你最好别忘了告诉她这句话。 施科瓦先生曾告诉我，说他的微笑能抵得上100万美元。他大概是在向我暗示微笑的真理，因为施科瓦的性格魅力，以及他那令人欢喜的能力，几乎正是他特有的成功的全部原因。而他的个性中最可爱的因素之一，就是他那迷人的微笑能够打动一切人。 有一天下午，我和莫里斯·雪弗莱待在一起。他是后来著名的雪弗莱汽车公司创始人。但是说实话，我并没有什么收获，因为他一直保持沉默，这和我所期望的完全不同。幸运的是，他终于有了微笑，他的这种微笑犹如穿透乌云的太阳。如果不是因为这种迷人的微笑，可能雪弗莱还在巴黎，和他的父亲及兄长那样，继续做一个木匠。 行动胜于言论。做一个真诚微笑的人，微笑会让人觉得你非常友善，他会明白你的心意：“我喜欢你，你使我快乐，我很高兴见到你。” 这就是狗为什么如此讨人喜欢的原因。它们是那么高兴见到我们，以至于兴奋得心都要从肚子里跳出来似的。所以，我们当然也愿意并高兴看见它们。 婴儿的微笑也有同样的效果。你是否去过医院的候诊室？也许你会注意到四周的人都阴沉着脸，十分困倦的样子。住在密苏里州雷顿市的兽医史蒂芬·史波尔曾对我说过这样一件事。 有一年春天，在他的兽医候诊室中挤满了人，他们都带着自己家中准备注射疫苗的宠物。大家都不说话，全都在不耐烦地等着，也许每个人都在想该干些什么，而不是坐在那儿浪费时间。 就在大家等待的时候，进来了一位女士，她带了一个9个月大的孩子和一只小猫。她坐在一位男士的旁边，而这位男士正等得不耐烦了。 幸运的是，当他朝旁边看时，发现那个孩子正注视着他，并天真无邪地向他笑。 你猜这位男士的反应如何？和我们一样，他也对那个孩子笑了笑，然后他就和那位母亲聊了起来，谈到了她的孩子和他的孙子。很快，整个候诊室的气氛开始变得活跃起来，大家也都相互聊天，每个人都有了一种愉快的体验。 那小孩的笑是否不真诚呢？Absolutely not.没有诚意的笑是欺骗不了人的。我们知道那种笑是机械的，人们只会厌恶它。我们是在讲一种真正的微笑、热心的微笑、发自内心的微笑，那种在人际交往中极具价值的微笑。 密歇根大学心理学教授詹姆斯·麦克奈尔对我谈了他对微笑的看法。他说：“那些笑脸常在的人，在管理、教育和推销当中会更容易获得成功，更容易培养快乐的下一代。笑容比皱眉头更能传情达意，这正是为什么教育中更应该以鼓励和微笑取代体罚和处置的原因所在。” 纽约一家大百货商店的人事部经理告诉我：“我情愿出高价雇用一个脸上总是带着可爱微笑的、连小学都没有毕业的女职员，也不愿雇用一位面孔冷淡的哲学博士。”由此可见，微笑的作用多么大。 即使我们不能看到笑的本质，但它的影响却是很大的。 在全美国具有重要影响的美国电话电报公司，有一个栏目“声音的威力”，这个栏目为电话使用者提供免费电话，以推销产品和服务。在这个栏目中，电话公司建议在人们打电话时，应该保持微笑，但是这种微笑只能通过声音来传达。 美国一家大橡胶公司的董事长告诉我说，根据他的观察，一个人无论做什么事，除非他对这件事很感兴趣，否则将很难成功。这位实业界的领袖对“十年寒窗功名就”这句老话并不太相信。 “我所认识的一些人，”他说，“他们起初成功了，是因为他们当时对自己的事业非常感兴趣；但是到了后来，我看见他们开始变成工作的奴隶。工作对他们而言变得异常无聊，他们失掉了所有工作中的乐趣，于是他们最后走向了失败。” 所以，如果你希望自己成为一位受人欢迎的说话高手的话，那么一定要记住，当你看见别人时，你也一定要心情愉悦。 我曾建议我班上的商界学员，让他们花上一个星期的时间，每一天的每一个小时都对别人微笑，然后再回到班上来谈他们的体验。事实上，他们这样做之后的效果怎样呢？ 这是纽约证券交易所会员威廉·史丹哈德写来的一封信。他的情况并不是个别现象。事实上，他只是好几百人中的代表之一。 “我结婚已经有18年了，”史丹哈德写道，“在此期间，我从起床到准备好出门上班，我都很少对我的妻子微笑，或对她说上一两句话。我是那些在百老汇匆匆行走的人当中脾气最坏的一个。 “因为你建议我们去体验微笑，并要求我们就此进行演讲，于是我就想试一个星期，看看效果如何。 “所以，第二天早上，当我梳头的时候，我就看着镜中那副阴沉的面孔，对自己说'比尔，你今天必须扫除你脸上的愁容，你一定要微笑。你现在就必须开始。'我坐下吃早餐的时候，我对我妻子说'亲爱的，早上好。'我说这话的时候，脸上带着微笑。 “你的确曾提醒过我，她可能会感到惊讶。可是，你低估了她的反应程度。她不仅是惊讶不已，简直是被惊呆了。我告诉她，她将来每天都能看到我这种愉快的表情。从此以后，我每天早上都是这样，至今已有两个月了。由于我改变了态度，结果我们家在这两个月中所得到的快乐，比过去两年中所有的快乐还要多。 “现在，当我去办公室的时候，我会对大楼开电梯的人大声说'早上好'，并对他报以微笑。我还微笑着和看门人打招呼。我在地铁售票处兑换零钱的时候，也会微笑地和服务员打招呼。当我站在交易所大厅的时候，还会对那些以前从未见过我微笑的人微笑。 “不久，我就发现每个人都对我也报以微笑。对于那些爱发牢骚的人，我也不再恼怒，而是和颜悦色地对待他们。当我听他们抱怨的时候，我会保持微笑，这样问题就很容易解决了。我发现，微笑给我带来了巨大的财富，我每天都会收获许多财富。” 你不愿意微笑吗？So what to do?有两个办法可以帮助你：第一，强迫自己微笑；第二，如果你一个人独处，不妨强迫自己吹吹口哨，或哼一支小曲，或唱唱歌，就好像你很快乐的样子，那就能使你快乐。
我常听到许多人埋怨“我性情过于羞怯，很难引起别人注意”、“没有人会对我感兴趣”，或是“别人并不想认识我”等。不错，别人为什么要喜欢你呢？这世界并没有义务非要喜欢你或我，或任何一个人。有什么特别理由别人会特别选中你（无论是工作或社交的理由）？除非我们具有他们所要的特质，否则，他们没有必要特别注意到你。 玛丽安·安德逊曾经很生动地描述她早期的生活，她那时事业失败，整个人很不得志，几乎就要放弃歌唱生涯。后来，凭借祈告和心灵的追求，她才逐渐恢复勇气和信心，准备继续为自己的事业奋斗下去。有一天，她兴致勃勃地向母亲说道：“我要再唱下去！我要每个人都喜欢我！我要继续追求完美！” 母亲回答道：“很好啊！这是很好的志向，但是，要知道，人在成就伟大的事业之前，必须先学会谦卑。”玛丽安听了深受感动，因此决心在音乐造诣上“力求”完美，而不是“想要”完美。“谦卑先于伟大”，这是母亲给她的最好赠言。 著名作家荷马·克洛维是我的好朋友，十分懂得交友之道。凡是碰到他的人，无论是清道夫、百万富翁、妇孺老幼，都会在与他相处15分钟之内对他产生好感。小孩会爬到他的膝上，朋友家的仆人会特别用心为他准备餐点，而且假如有人宣布：“今晚荷马·克洛维会到这里来！”则当天的宴会一定没有人缺席。除朋友间深厚的感情之外，荷马·克洛维的家人也都十分敬爱他。他的妻子、女儿，还有好几个孙儿女，全都对他称赞不已。 究竟这位作家是如何赢得这种幸福的？他既不年轻，又不英俊，更不是百万富翁，他有什么魅力可以吸引人呢？说来也很简单，就是待人诚恳、热爱他人而已。他一点也不矫揉造作，并且能让别人感觉到他真的喜欢、关心他们。For him, he doesn't care who the other party is or what he does.只要是身为一个人，对他便意义重大，值得付出关爱。每次他遇见陌生人，很快就能像老朋友一样交谈起来，并不是专谈自己的事，而是尽量谈对方的事。他借由问问题，可以知道对方是从哪里来、做什么事、有没有什么家人等。他也不会唠叨个不停，只是向对方表示自己的兴趣和关心，借以建立起友谊。 当然，为了要得到友谊和情爱，我们必须先认清“施与比受用更有福”，然后把这种认知用实际行为表现出来。我们不能只是把金矿藏在内心，黄金必须使用才能显示其价值，像《圣经》所说的：“由所结的果子，便可认出他们来。”这种方法，连最爱嘲笑人生的人，都会像阳光下的花朵一样吐露芬芳。正像约瑟夫·格鲁大使所说的：“外交的秘诀仅在5个字——我要喜欢你。” 由此我们知道了得到友谊的最佳方法是必须注重施与，而不是获得，但应该是亲自赢取得来的，而不是靠一时的吸引或哄骗。The so-called ability to win friendships does not mean hooking shoulders, striking up conversations, acting funny, or telling funny jokes.That should refer to a state of mind, an attitude toward the world, or a desire to give one's love, interests, attention, and service to others. 好几年前，我准备发表演讲，当时的听众据说相当难缠。我事前与一位好朋友共餐，免不了流露出紧张的情绪。“假如听众不同意我讲的话怎么办？”我神经兮兮地问这位朋友，“假如他们不喜欢我，该怎么办？” “不错，”朋友回答道，“他们为什么要喜欢你呢？你能给他们干什么？你认为自己要讲的话很重要吗？” “我承认那些东西对我来说，的确意义十分重大。”我说道。 “很好，”她继续说道，“我倒不觉得听众喜不喜欢你有什么重要。重要的是你有没有把要讲的信息传达出去。至于他们喜欢或讨厌你，又有什么关系呢？至少，你已完成了任务。” 朋友的这番话，改变了我对演讲的整个看法。现在，每当我准备发表演讲的时候，都会在事前先静心祷告“传达出对这些听众有益的信息来，让他们有所收获，满心欢喜地回家”。这样的祷告对我十分有用，而我也的确希望能对听众有帮助。这样的祷告使我谦卑地体会到自己只不过是个传达某些信息的演讲员，而不是要显露自己的学问或者风采。我的目的是要带给听众一些鼓舞性的思想，以期对他们的生活有助益。 同理，我们总希望别人先来喜欢我们，却不曾想到要如何才能让别人喜欢。现在就让我们着手去做所有能激发爱和友情的事吧。在这方面，威廉·奥斯勒爵士的话很值得我们思索，他说：“我们应该做的不是张望缥缈的未来，而是脚踏实地做好眼前的事。”
Everyone who has visited President Roosevelt will be amazed by his profound knowledge. "Whether it was a shepherd boy or a knight, or a politician or diplomat in New York," wrote Bradford, the authoritative author on Roosevelt, "Roosevelt knew what to talk to him about." 罗斯福究竟如何具备的这种魅力呢？It's easy!No matter who Roosevelt wanted to meet, he would always sleep a little later the night before the other party's arrival, and read some knowledge that the other party was particularly interested in.罗斯福和所有领袖人物一样，深知接触对方内心思想的妙方就是和对方谈论他最感兴趣的事情。 似乎成功人士都懂得这个道理，耶鲁大学原教授菲利普先生谈到了自己早年时的故事。 “我8岁那年，有一次去姑妈家，那是一个周末，”菲利普在一篇谈论人性的小品文中这样写道，“有一个晚上，一位中年人来到姑妈家。在和姑妈随便聊了几句之后，他就把注意力转移到了我身上。当时我对船很感兴趣，而这位来访的客人和我谈论了这方面的知识，当然令我产生了特殊的兴趣。他离开之后，我还对他赞赏不已。他是纽约的一位律师，本来他对有关船的事情是不应该如此热心的，甚至是根本不会有兴趣的。”“可是，他为什么自始至终都在与我谈论船的知识呢？”“因为他是一位高尚的人。他见你对船很感兴趣，就谈论这些你关注并感兴趣的话题。通过这种方法，他使自己成了一个受欢迎的人。” Finally, Professor Philip added: "I will never forget what my aunt said to me." I kept in touch with Mr. Charif, a man who was very enthusiastic about the Scouting cause.In his letter he mentioned to me the story that happened to him. "One day, I felt that I needed help from others," Mr. Charif wrote in the letter. "There will be a boy scout summer camp in Europe. I would like to invite the manager of a large company in the United States to sponsor me and a boy scout. travel expenses. Fortunately, before I went to visit the manager, I heard that he had written a check for $1 million. You know, it was $1 million! So, after meeting him, I Tell him I've never in my life heard of a check for such a huge amount; and I'm going to tell my boy scouts that I did see a check for a million dollars. The manager was very happy as a result He handed me the check. I kept admiring it, and asked him to give me the details of how it was drawn." Note that Mr. Charif initially did not talk to the other about the Boy Scouts or the European summer camps, or about the help he wanted.He just talks about topics that the other party is interested in, so that the other party is willing to talk to him.于是，出现了查立夫先生下面所说的情况。 过了一会儿，我所拜访的那位经理问我：“哦，请问你来找我有什么事？”我就把我的事情告诉了他。令我吃惊的是，他不但立即答应了我的请求，还十分大方地给了我更多的资助。我本来只请他出资赞助一名童子军去欧洲的，可是他慷慨地资助了5名童子军和我本人，给我开了一张1000美元的支票，并建议我们在欧洲玩上7个星期。然后，他又给我写了一封介绍信，把我引荐给他在欧洲分公司的经理，请他到时候帮助我们。 查立夫先生又说：“但是我也很清楚，如果当时没有找到他感兴趣的话题，让他高兴起来，那么这件事不仅不会办得这么容易，我想大概连1/10的机会都没有。” This is the miraculous effect of this method, which can form a good communication effect and open up your interpersonal relationship. The late famous psychologist Adler in Vienna wrote a book called "The Meaning of Life".在那本书中，他说：“对别人漠不关心的人，他的一生困难最多，对别人的损害也最大。所有人类的失败，都是由这些人造成的。”也许你读过几十卷关于理学方面的书，但是却再也找不到比这句话对你和我更重要的了。I don't like to repeat, but Adler's words are so profound that I wish to reproduce them below: "He who is indifferent to others has the most difficult life and the most injurious to others. All human failures , are all caused by these people.” If we want to make friends and be popular talkers, we need to deal with people with enthusiasm and vigor. 查尔斯·华尔德是纽约市一家大银行的员工，他有一次受命准备一份关于某公司的机密文件。他知道某个人掌握了他所急需的这些材料。 于是，华尔德就去拜见这个人，他是一家大实业公司的董事长。正当华尔德被引进董事长办公室时，一位青年女子从门外伸进头来，告诉董事长说她今天没有什么可给他的邮票。 “是这样的，”董事长对华尔德解释道，“我正在为我12岁的儿子搜集邮票。” 华尔德向他介绍了自己的来意，开始问他一些问题。这位董事长的回答十分含糊不清——很明显，他不愿讲话，没有什么事情能够引起他的兴趣并令他开口的，因此这次会谈变得简短而枯燥。 “说实话，我当时不知如何是好，”华尔德在我班上讲这件事时说，“然后，我想起他的秘书对他说过的话——邮票，12岁的儿子……同时我又想起我们银行的外汇兑换部经常收集邮票——世界各地寄来的信上取下的邮票。 “第二天下午，我再次前去拜访这位董事长，并请人传话进去，说我有些邮票要给他的儿子。结果呢，我是不是受到了热烈的欢迎呢？当然是的，先生。即使是他要竞选国会议员，也不可能那么热情地握着我的手了。他发出善意的微笑，说'我的乔治肯定会喜欢的。'他抚摸着邮票，不断地说，'看这张！这可是无价之宝啊。' “我们花了一个小时谈论邮票，并看了他儿子的照片。然后，他用了一个多小时的时间，谈到了他所知道的一切情况，又把他的下属叫进来询问。他还给他几位常有来往的人打了电话——他把所有的事实、数字、报告以及信件全都给了我。用一位新闻记者的话来说，我得了一个'大丰收'。” 在公元前100年，古罗马著名的诗人西拉斯就曾说过：“我们对别人产生兴趣的时候，恰好是别人对我们产生兴趣的时候。”所以，与人相处的重要一条原则就是：真诚地关心他人，讨论对方感兴趣的话题。
掌握好交谈的时机，在恰当的时候告别会给别人留下深刻的印象，达到交谈的目的。如果一味地交谈，就会让自己的魅力打折。这是很多成功人士交际中的小秘诀。 以前曾参加我课程训练班的学员詹姆斯感到自己学到的东西还不够用，就又一次进了我的课程训练班，要求再进行学习。我对他表示欢迎之后，问他：“你认为自己目前最大的问题是什么？” 詹姆斯老老实实地回答道：“说实在的，我自己也不知道。从你那儿我确实学会了热忱、自信、勇气以及如何赞扬别人……这一切都使我获益匪浅。” 我也奇怪了，就继续问他：“你一定赢得了许多朋友吧。” “是的，确实如此，但朋友们不欢迎我第二次上他们家做客。” “这是为什么呢？” “我不知道。”詹姆斯接着往下说，没想到他从朋友的性格一直说到阿拉斯加的天气、风土人情……口若悬河地讲了近三个小时。我早已满脸倦意，不过这下我可知道詹姆斯的朋友不欢迎他的原因了。詹姆斯太健谈了，毫无休止，根本不懂告别的艺术，于是我打断詹姆斯的话说：“詹姆斯先生，我已经明白你的朋友不欢迎你的原因了。” “噢，那太好了，你赶快教教我吧。”詹姆斯兴奋地叫道。 我不忍当场说出他的缺点，使他没面子，就婉转地说：“明天你来上培训课吧，看看其他学员怎么做，你就会明白的。” 詹姆斯急切地问道：“你能今天就告诉我吗？我实在是太想知道了。”我微笑着劝道：“不要着急，明天知道对你有好处，反正也不在乎这一天半天的了。” 詹姆斯见我把话说到这个分上，只好恋恋不舍地戴好帽子，遗憾地说：“哎，要等到明天才能知道。” 第二天，詹姆斯来到班上。我给学员们布置任务，让他们训练说话的艺术，互相赞美对方。詹姆斯见我一直没有说他的事，就有点坐不住了。但我微笑着示意他不要动。他只好耐着性子在那儿看其他学员们练习。下课的时间到了，有些学员站起来向我告别，有些学员仍留在教室里：其中有一位女学员走过来问一个问题。 我仔细地倾听着，一边给那位学员做解释，我已经把她当成屋子里最重要的人了。女学员离去后，又有几位学员过来把我围住向我请教问题。我一一作了简明扼要的回答，给他们留下很深的印象。 詹姆斯实在熬不住了，就走过来对我说：“您可以告诉我我的问题了吧？”我说：“你的谈话很有魅力，充满了艺术性，是个很