Chapter 10 Chapter Nine How to Manage a Happy Marriage
Careful care, so that marriage can last forever:
As time goes by, the magic of love will gradually fade, and many people who once loved each other will be separated in sorrow and pain.If you don't want to fall into such a tragedy of marriage and let love never die, then you must handle the relationship between the sexes seriously, learn to respect each other's differences, accept each other's shortcomings and imperfections, and let the marriage remain splendid in the ordinary fleeting years.
Successful marriages don’t happen by accident. Don’t take everything in marriage for granted, and don’t think that marriage should be “the prince and princess lived happily ever after.” If you think about it this way, marriage will definitely let us down.Love and happiness do not just fall from the sky and hit us, but are paid by us first, cultivated carefully, and then rewarded. Dirko Podol, an expert on American marriage relations, once said: "In the United States, every year, many young men and women start their married life, and at the same time, many couples end their married life. Many people, especially women, They are very dissatisfied with their married life, and think that the quality of life after marriage is far from what they expected. In fact, not all marriages occur after marriage, and many of them have already occurred before marriage Many young people choose marriage hastily without a correct understanding of marriage, thus planting a time bomb for the emergence of future marriage problems. I can say with certainty that most young people in the United States, including those Married couples are still illiterate about marriage.” I don't know how the ladies felt when they saw Dierko's words?Maybe you don't agree with him.You've been married for years, decades, or even decades, and your marriage is still going on.Although some friction occasionally occurs, it is inevitable.Indeed, both ladies and your husbands are working hard to maintain your marriage, and this is the responsibility and obligation of both of you.However, if I ask the ladies here: "Is your marriage happy? Do you live very happily every day?" I think many ladies may not be able to answer me confidently: "Yes!" In fact, many wives, especially those who have been married for many years, often have a "reluctant" attitude towards marriage.There is no passion, no joy, no novelty in their marriage.For them, marriage just represents the passage of time and has no other meaning. The root cause of this phenomenon is that women lack a correct, thorough and clear understanding of marriage.They either view marriage as too romantic or too rational, which is why Dilko called them "marriage illiterates."I have done detailed research on this issue, and found that such women often have six major misunderstandings about marriage: There are many young women in life who often dream of having adventures like Snow White in fairy tales. They are full of beautiful longings and longings for love and marriage, and they very much hope to live the life described in the book: dreaming of being with each other every day. The ones I love are lingering together, having breakfast, lunch, dinner together, and going out for picnics from time to time.Later, having a child, the family lived a happy life... However, the real life after marriage makes this vision soon be broken.After losing the freshness of marriage, those Snow Whites in their dreams will often fall into the daily mundane things, and their Prince Charming will no longer sweet talk to her as before, let alone prepare anything in order to make ends meet. The gift is just doing the work of going out early and returning late every day, so I don't have time to accompany her at all.Later, the child was born, but taking care of the child is a very troublesome thing.As a result, many women began to lose confidence in marriage, and even began to suspect that they had chosen the wrong person and lived in regret, complaints and nagging every day. But what is the reason for such an outcome?It must be because our young female friends imagined marriage too romantic at the beginning, and thus lost their clear understanding of married life. I believe that real marriage would not make her have such a huge sense of contrast.This type of lady sees marriage as a fairy tale, without taking into account the reality of it.Therefore, once the marriage returns from the fairy tale to reality, it will immediately cause dissatisfaction among these women, which in turn will lead to problems in the marriage. Women who hold this view are mostly wives who have been married for many years.Their understanding of marriage is exactly the opposite of that of the previous type of women, who view marriage too realistically.Many wives who have been married for many years believe that there is no freshness to speak of between their husbands and themselves, and it is even more impossible to find any freshness.Therefore, they let their marriage develop in a dull, flat, and boring way, and they don't want to do anything to change the marriage. Such ladies do recognize the practical side of marriage, but ignore its romantic side.Although they have no complaints about their current marriage, it does not mean that this is a marriage without problems.In the simplest terms, their husbands may have the opposite opinion. In fact, it is not difficult to make marriage a little more romantic, and there are many methods that can be used.For example, ladies may wish to extravagance once in a while, have a candlelight dinner with their husbands, or take a walk in the woods with their husbands' arms after dinner.If necessary, even after many years of marriage, the wife can try to act like a baby with her husband.Although this may seem somewhat nasty, it can indeed play a role in regulating marriage. Many women complain that their husbands don't understand sex at all.Some even think that they are no longer attractive to their husbands, because the husband is not as sweet-talking and caring to her as before, and of course there is no romance at all. But in fact, it is not that the husband does not intend to give his wife a romantic and happy marriage, but that real life does not give them a chance.In order to maintain the life of the whole family, the husbands have to leave early and return late every day, and they also have to bear enormous work pressure outside.In this way, husbands spend most of their energy on raising their families, so they don't have the time to think about romance and warmth. While the above may sound like an excuse, it is also true.Ladies, I sincerely hope that instead of blaming men for all their mistakes, you should understand them and be considerate of them.Since they don't have the energy to create romance, you should take the initiative.There are many ways, or remind them, or simply create your own, in short, you can't complain and complain. Many couples ignore the role of communication and regard communication as a superfluous thing.They have their own reasons, and they think that after many years of getting along from dating to marriage, they already know each other very well, so there is no need to communicate at all.However, after investigation, it is found that it takes at least 5 years for a husband and wife to truly understand each other. That is to say, during these 5 years, the husband and wife are constantly exploring.Therefore, I have always emphasized that both husband and wife should communicate frequently and must tell each other their true inner feelings, so as to make a happy married life. Many women believe that love is pure, and since two people form a family, there should be no privacy.This kind of thinking should not be said to be completely wrong, because sincerity is the key to building a happy and happy marriage.However, these ladies ignore another point, that is, love is also selfish.Sometimes white lies can be crucial to maintaining a relationship between husband and wife. Everyone has their own pursuit of freedom and dreams, even if you are married, don't think it is your private property.You know, he belongs to himself.He not only exists because of your small family, he also has his own life circle, social circle, parents, relatives, friends, colleagues, and so on.If you want your marriage tree to be evergreen, you must follow him into this big circle, just like you have your own life circle, and you don't want to be bound by him.Give him freedom, give him space, and give yourself freedom and space. So, when you want to marry the man who loves you and spend your whole life together, you must be mentally prepared to accept and bear all aspects related to it, including family background, social background and his living habits.Please be very clear that the man you choose and the life you choose are not just a single individual of him, but the complex environment behind his family growth environment and the inextricable interactions with him. social groups. The above are the major misunderstandings I have mentioned about women's understanding of marriage.Therefore, I advise those ladies who are about to get married or are already married to take a good look at these points and stop letting yourself be illiterate about marriage.
The Japanese conducted a survey on the causes of unsatisfactory marriage life, and found that among the factors that make husbands dissatisfied with their wives, the top three factors are: nagging (27%), bad personality (23%), and ignorance Housekeeping (14%).That said, a large part of what causes people to be unhappy in their marriages is lady nagging. Napoleon Pennapede, nephew of Napoleon III, fell in love with and married the most beautiful woman, Countess Ugenie d'Urberville.According to his advisers, she was no more than the daughter of an insignificant Spanish count.But Napoleon replied: "So what?" Her grace, her youth, her allure, her beauty filled him with a fairy-like happiness. "I've loved a woman I love," he said, "and she's not a woman I don't know." Napoleon and his new wife had all the conditions for happiness in health, wealth, power, fame, beauty, love and faith, but the flame of their marriage had never been more blazing.And not long after, the blazing holy fire was extinguished until it was reduced to ashes.Napoleon can make Eugenie a queen, he can give all that beautiful France has, or give all the power of his love, even the power of his throne, but he can't do one thing: he can't stop his woman, Eugenie d'Urber chatter. Out of jealousy and suspicion, Yu Jinni despised his orders and even forbade him to have any secret expressions.While he was engaged in state affairs, she broke into his office and thwarted his most important discussions.She refused him to be alone, always afraid that he would associate with other women.She often goes to her sister's house to complain about her husband.Complaining, crying, chattering, even intimidating, and forcing himself into his study, spitting and cursing at him. Napoleon, the emperor of France, even though he had many magnificent palaces, could not find a small cupboard where he could settle his mind.What are the consequences of Yu Jinni's actions?There is this record in Reinhard's meticulously written "Napoleon and Eugenie: An Imperial Tragedy and Comedy": "Later, Napoleon often went out at night secretly through a side door, wearing a bonnet, covering his eyes, and was covered by a Confidant entourage, really go to the beautiful women waiting for him, or roam the city like in ancient times, see things that can't be seen, and breathe some air that can be breathed." And all this is caused by the chattering Yujini.She sits queen of France, and is the most beautiful woman in the world; but amidst chatter and tumult neither throne nor beauty can keep love alive.She brought it on herself, and the poor woman's misfortune was brought about by her jealousy and nagging. Of all the blazes, deadliest is the chatter, Invented by the fiends of Hell, in their ferocious schemes for the destruction of love, That saps the life of man forever like the venom of a viper. Heiberger, who has served in New York family court for 11 years, has reviewed thousands of divorce cases.He said: "One of the main reasons why men leave home is because their wives babble." Maybe marriage is like what the Boston Post said: "Many wives, constantly digging bit by bit, cause The grave of their own marriage." The greatest tragedy in Lincoln's life was also his marriage.What was Lincoln doing every day and night of the twenty-three years of their marriage?As his law firm colleague Hearne put it, he tasted "the bitter fruit of a bad marriage." In fact, saying "unhappy marriage" is an understatement, because Lincoln's wife has been nagging him for more than 20 years, which has made him rarely have peace.She was always complaining about everything, always criticizing her husband, thinking that everything about him was wrong: he slumped, his walk was ugly, his feet were very rigid.She reprimanded him for his lack of flexibility in walking and his inelegant posture.She would tease him by imitating his walk and correcting him to walk on his toes first, as she had learned in Mrs. Mendel's boarding school in Claxington.She also didn't like the way his big ears formed at right angles to his head; she even told him that his nose was not straight, his lips protruded, and he looked like a consumptive man, with too big hands and feet, And the head is too small, and so on. Did all this nagging, berating, and rage change Lincoln?In some ways, it did change Lincoln, that is, changed his attitude towards her, made him regret his unhappiness in marriage, and tried his best to avoid meeting her.Whenever Saturday came, other lawyers would try their best to go home and spend the weekend with their families; Lincoln didn't want to go back, he was afraid to go home.Despite the harsh conditions of the country inn, Lincoln would rather stay there than go home and face his wife's constant chatter. Indeed, nagging and faultfinding bring more misfortune to the family than extravagance and waste.On this point, you don't have to believe my words right away, but listen to the experts first! Dr. Lewis M. Terman is a well-known psychologist. He conducted a detailed investigation and research on more than 1,500 couples. The results showed that husbands all listed nagging and picky as their wives' biggest shortcomings.A Gallup poll came to the same conclusion: Men ranked nagging and critical as the number one flaw in women.The Jensen Temperament Analysis—another well-known scientific study—also found that no other personality type can be as damaging to family life as nagging and critical. However, it seems that since ancient cave dwellings, wives have tried to influence their husbands by nagging and critical methods, but this method has never worked since ancient times-unless the sun comes out in the west . An old friend told me that his wife nearly ruined his career by belittling and laughing at every job he ever did.He started out as a salesman who loved his products and was passionate about selling them to people.When he came home at night, he hoped to get some encouragement from his wife, but his wife greeted him with these words: "Well, our big genius, today's business is good, right? You brought back a lot of commissions Right? Or just bring back a lecture from the sales manager? I think you know we're going to pay the rent next week, right?" This situation continued for several years.Although ridiculed by his wife from time to time, this man persisted in his hard work.Now, he has served as the executive vice president of a well-known company in the country. As for his wife?Oh, and he'd divorced her long ago and married a young girl who would give him love and support that his first wife couldn't. In fact, his first wife had no idea why she lost her husband. "I have lived so poorly for so many years," she told her friend, "that when he no longer needed me as a cow and horse for him, he left me for a woman younger than me. That's it. A man would be like this!" If someone had told this lady that it was not another woman who had driven her husband away from her, but her own nagging and faultfinding, the lady would not have believed it.But this is indeed the real reason why her husband left her.She nags and finds fault in a dismissive way—a chronic torture to a man's self-confidence, and a severe blow to his masculine self-esteem. Nagging is a disease.Complaints, complaints, comparisons, contempt, ridicule, chatter—women who like to nag and find fault, among these cruel ways of treating others, if they are not specialized in one of them, they will become omnipotent in both "Expert" too.Nagging is like a narcotic, you can't learn it, and you can't get rid of it, it's a habit.When a girl becomes a bride at the age of 20, if she only knows how to nagging, but does not know when she will be able to live in a new house as good as the neighbor, then when she is 40 years old, she will definitely become a hopeless Drugged, insatiable about anything, unlovable whining specialist. There are many examples that illustrate the destructive effect of nagging on marriage. There was an article in "Telecom World" that reported such a seemingly bizarre thing: a 50-year-old maintenance man hired three killers in a row, and finally killed his wife. No nagging from his wife.According to the husband, his wife was always able to talk for three days and three nights about a trivial matter, which drove him crazy-in fact, judging by the fact that he did it, He's gone crazy. A 32-year-old Tanzanian man took his own life prematurely with a bottle of insect repellant.A pill bottle and a letter were found next to his body in which he wrote: "I have decided to end my life immediately because my wife is always nagging. It is not my intention to attribute all unsatisfactory marriages to women's nagging—in fact, in all such matters, the other person can also be very wrong—I just want to say that if You do realize that your nagging is sabotaging your married life, and you shouldn't hesitate to fix it.
In the halls of marriage, we hear the familiar phrase of the wedding ceremony: "For better or worse, poor or rich, sick or healthy, you will love each other hereafter, until the day of death." However, In this later life, we find that this oath cannot be trusted.We know that even as I write these words, countless families are fighting, and countless men and women are grieving.If we broaden our horizons, we can turn our observations into one sentence: where there are people, there are contradictions and conflicts - and families are no exception. While this result may sound disheartening, it needn't be.It's great to be friendly and loving, but even a few conflicts make our married life more interesting.Conflict is caused by different opinions, different perspectives, and even different solutions, and couples in an intimate relationship naturally have problems in this regard. Maybe you think your wife might look more comfortable without makeup, and you want her to accept your point of view, but unfortunately, she insists that she looks more attractive with makeup, and even thinks that without makeup, she will feel less confident—— As a result, the two argued endlessly.When such a family conflict arises, we will find a way to deal with it, and at the same time, we always hope that both people are satisfied with the result of the resolution—from this point of view, the above initial solution to the problem of makeup is inappropriate.Faced with these inevitable conflicts in life, how should we resolve them? The method I advocate is that you can't use coercive language to persuade the other party or order the other party to do anything-as I mentioned earlier, because the result of doing so will only be against you. Not long ago, I had a one-on-one conversation with the CEO of a large corporation.He is a young successful man, and because of his excellent work, his photos often appear on the prominent pages of major newspapers in the United States.He was very excited at the beginning of the conversation, but when we talked about his beautiful wife, he started to scowle and moan. "Alas!" said the president, "my wife never understands me. I give her everything she needs to become more educated and qualified, but instead of thanking me, she seems to be Very dissatisfied with my behavior." "How do you do it?" I asked him. "Oh," the president replied, "I want to send her to New York University—I think that's something she needs urgently. I'm going to send her there for a year and then run the company with me." As far as I know, he has a high degree of education and is proficient in business management knowledge. More importantly, he is very interested in this work.But I don't know if he was sure that his wife shared his interest in business management.I asked him this question. "Undoubtedly," said the gentleman, "how can she not be interested in this, since she is married to me, and has lived with me for nearly five years?" Although I am not sure that his judgment is wrong, I know that the reason why his wife is dissatisfied with his decision must be due to interest.Like most people, this gentleman also made a very easy mistake, that is, he judged that they had the same interests and hobbies just based on the fact that the other party was his wife. So he was forcing his wife to take his advice—which at this point seemed to be an order.If I analyze it with the reason I mentioned before, even if his wife originally wanted to obey him, when she finds that she is being ordered, she will unconsciously develop a mentality of resistance. Such truths are not necessarily only known to psychologists or marriage experts.Those who live a happy life know this, and they never use obsessive words to their wives or husbands.They never say "what should you do" or "you shouldn't think that way", but express themselves in more subtle ways. Compulsive language seems to be playing out all the time.Most men are wary of their customers for fear of saying a wrong word, but yell at their wives like a tyrant.They are always used to instructing their close lovers how to do things and how to speak.No wonder Dix said, "It's surprising that our family members are the ones who say the most hurtful things." Oliver Hames describes such a situation in his book "The Dictator for Breakfast" .But Harms himself is not like this, he never let his wife see his face, even if he is in a bad mood, he does not vent his anger on others. Dorothy Dix once commented that more than half of all marriages fail.In her opinion, a large part of the reason for marriage failure is related to compulsive language.She questioned: "What puzzles the wives is why they can't be more gentle with them when they can use gentler means instead of coercion?" "A man knows full well that flattery can make his wife do anything desperately: he knows that as long as he praises his wife's housekeeping, she will give her last penny to the family; The old-fashioned clothes she buys are so beautiful that she doesn't think about Parisian haute couture; He's gone, but why doesn't he seem to know at all?" As a man, I can tell wives with certainty that these methods apply to them as well.Therefore, for the happiness of the family, all should give up using obsessive language, because we all know that such a strong attitude will never bring the other party to its knees.
Marriage also needs nutrients, and this nutrient is freshness.When we first got to know each other, we were full of freshness, so we fell in love vigorously.At this time, the feeling of love is happiness and sweetness.But after a long time, everyone is familiar with each other, and there is no new feeling, and love becomes flat. Research by psychologists has found that after two people fall in love, their relationship with each other will change qualitatively over time.In the early stages of a relationship, that spark of love is called "infatuation."Feelings for each other are especially strong during this stage.I miss the other party non-stop, and I can talk on the phone for several hours, and I still feel unsatisfied. I think that the other party is almost perfect in my mind, with only advantages and no disadvantages.This phenomenon occurs because of hormonal changes in our body.However, these mysterious hormones are not permanent, because the surge of hormones in the human body begins to decrease about 18 months after falling in love, and the longest can not exceed two years.That is to say, the preservation period of passionate love is generally only 18 months. Since then, the infatuation has begun to subside, and the feeling of being obsessed with each other and haunting each other no longer exists.At this time, lovers often have a psychological gap, and even begin to doubt love. It is human nature to like the new and dislike the old, but marriage is an unchanging relationship that becomes more and more familiar and even pervasive, and finally loses the crisis and fresh stimulation.Both men and women will become trivial and decadent due to the lack of challenges and nourishment.This is not a crime of marriage. The problem lies in how the two people who built the siege defined their roles. So, how to create romance in marriage? In married life, if the other party takes you on a trip, or drinks coffee at a music cafe, or buys a bouquet of flowers to make you happy.These actions are called special actions, which are unexpected and reasonable. After marriage, it is very important for the wife to maintain the restraint and dignity she had when she was in love before marriage, and try to maintain her beautiful image.However, many women are very ladylike and dignified when they are in love, but they don't pay much attention to their image after marriage.If the wife persists in her virtuous and virtuous self-cultivation to the end, she will have a happy marriage. Humor, humor, and frequent laughter can not only make oneself appear full of vitality and charm, but also skillfully resolve family conflicts and enhance family cohesion. Keeping a certain distance between husband and wife, that is, maintaining the relative independence and freedom of both parties when they are married can greatly increase mutual attraction.This distance can be divided into two types: one is tangible and the other is intangible.The former refers to the intermittent temporary separation of husband and wife in time and space, while the latter refers to the fact that husband and wife respect each other's privacy on the basis of full trust, do not interfere with each other's normal social activities, and give each other sufficient and reasonable social freedom. "Distance produces beauty", keeping a proper distance between husband and wife can get twice the result with half the effort to care for the marriage effect, and can avoid the conflict and boredom between husband and wife caused by long-term mutual affection. After marriage, as a wife, you should give your husband some "romantic" tricks from time to time, and moderately give him a little suspense, which can effectively arouse his curiosity and attract his attention.Under normal circumstances, the small "trap" of love can create unexpected surprises and create a romantic atmosphere in marriage.Besides, the wife maintains the shyness and reservedness of "still holding the pipa and half covering her face" when she was a girl, and can also give the husband room for reverie, so that the husband can see flowers in the fog from time to time. This kind of hazy beauty can make the wife more attractive. If the wife acts like a baby in moderation, the husband will not only not get bored, but will also develop a sense of love and affection.It can be said that in front of the husband, the wife's squeamishness has nothing to do with age, no matter how old a woman is, she can always be her husband's sweet wife.When the husband and wife have disagreements or quarrel, the wife's moderate acting like a baby will get unexpected results, and the husband will make concessions out of love and accommodation, and the conflict between husband and wife will disappear.Therefore, it can be said that the wife acting like a baby is a "buffer" to mediate conflicts between husband and wife.But there is one thing that must be paid attention to, that is, acting like a baby should be moderate, and refrain from interpreting "Jiao Didi" as "savage". As long as there are no changes in a person's marriage in his life, he will face his lover day and night, and he can devote his whole life to it. It doesn't matter if he stays together for less than a few hours. Don't be together all the time.For example, some young couples disband the "duo" group and socialize independently when they meet with friends, colleagues, or even go out to play.This method is a respect for their respective natures, hobbies and independence, and is conducive to maintaining the relationship between husband and wife.Of course, this kind of independent behavior cannot replace the "two-person world", otherwise marriage will lose its meaning, so we should know that it is fundamental to ensure the subjectivity of the "two-person world", and the proportion of separation and combination must be properly distributed. A gentle hug can melt a defensive heart.When he is busy outside for a day, you don't forget to pour him a glass of water and give him a considerate hug (note, hugging too excited and too hard will be counterproductive), which is much more important than countless sweet words. A parting kiss can often grasp the other person's heart, even the ice can melt, it can make the other person feel sweet and happy all day long.
Marriage cannot lack trust and understanding.Understanding can make two people connect with each other and make the relationship closer; trust is the bond that maintains the relationship between two people.If you keep doubting each other, your relationship will definitely not be as close as it used to be, and a breakup will be inevitable. By chance, I met Kayle, a well-known marriage expert, at a banquet.Mr. Kayle is a very famous person who has helped many women whose marriages broke down to regain happy love.During the meal, Mr. Kayle and I talked about love.I asked him: "Mr. Kayle, many lovers will still break up after dating for two or three years, and even some married people will go to the road of divorce. Why do you think this is?" Mr. Kayle said: "Understanding and trust are the weights to maintain love. Without these two weights, love will not go too far. What couples lack the most is trust and understanding. Therefore, After dating for a period of time, many couples finally choose to break up." Then, he told such a true story. Miss Gassi is an accountant of a company. She is not only beautiful, but also very temperamental.Therefore, many people pursued her, but she couldn't see her at all.In her opinion, her boyfriend should be more outstanding and better than these people in front of her. Later, she met a businessman at a banquet. He not only had his own company, but also behaved very gentlemanly.The two fell in love at first sight and soon fell in love.At the beginning, Miss Gacy thought she was very happy, because such successful men are rare.However, slowly, she changed from complacency to worry, fearing that other women would snatch her boyfriend away.So, she called her boyfriend every day and asked him what he was doing.Sometimes, she would even look through her boyfriend's clothes to see if he was having an affair with another woman. Later, Miss Gassi was going to marry her boyfriend.But at this time, something happened to her boyfriend's company, and there were many things to deal with every day.He stayed in the company for several days and rarely called Miss Gassi.This made Miss Gassi very unhappy. She thought that the other party had changed his mind and did not want to marry herself.So, she went to her boyfriend's company to find him. Not only did she not help him, but she also caused him a lot of trouble.Obviously, her actions made the other party very unhappy. One day, after she got off work, she went to the company to look for her boyfriend, and found that there were only two other people in the company, his female secretary.Although both of them were immersed in their work, Ms. Gassi still suspected that the relationship between them was not normal, so she quarreled with her boyfriend.In the end, her boyfriend was very disappointed in her and broke up with her. After telling the story, Mr. Kayle said: "Why did Miss Gacy break up with her boyfriend in the end? It was precisely because she lacked trust and understanding of her boyfriend. When her boyfriend's company was in trouble, She should share the other party's worries and problems, but she didn't do it, and instead sent a lot of trouble. What's more, she suspected that the other party had betrayed herself, and this result can only be said to be caused by her own hands. " 卡伊尔先生所讲的这个例子非常具有代表性。的确，现在很多女性都以自我为中心，完全不去考虑恋人的想法和感受。如果对方稍有疏忽，便会采用大吵大闹的方式解决；更有甚者，总是怀疑自己的恋人背叛自己，像警察监督小偷一样监督自己的恋人，生怕他们脱离自己的控制。正是因为缺少信任和理解，最后两个人的感情出现了难以弥补的裂缝，除了分手外，已无路可走。 各位步入婚姻的人们，你们一定要记住卡伊尔先生的话，婚姻如同爱情一样是不能缺少信任和理解的。理解可以让两个人心心相通，关系更为亲密；而信任也是维系两个人感情的纽带，因为信任总是相互的，当你去信任他的时候，他才可能信任你。如果你们相互之间产生了怀疑，你们的关系肯定就不会像以前一样亲密，分手也在所难免了。所以，大家应该学会信任和理解自己的爱人，从而让你们的爱情、婚姻更牢固，走得更远。
婚姻就是一连串琐事，忽视这一事实，将造成家庭生活的灾难。在伦诺法庭每星期有6天要审理批准离婚的案件，几乎每10分钟一宗。你认为那些婚姻有多少是在真正的礁石上撞破的？极少，我可保证。如果你能终日坐在那里听那些不快乐的夫妻们的陈述，就知道爱情往往毁于日常中的琐碎小事上——而这一切都源于夫妻间没有及时地交流沟通。 加拿大安大略的杰克·杜蒙先生曾经给我寄了一封信，对我说了一些他对婚姻生活的感悟。他在信中说道： “我好不容易娶了一位理想中的妻子，她聪明、美丽而且温柔，可以说是完美女人的化身。结婚之后，为了使我们的家庭更加幸福，我开始把几乎全部的精力放在了我的工作上，所以事实上把维持婚姻和家庭幸福的任务全部交给了我的妻子。” 但是他接下来讲述道： “一开始，我并没有觉得有什么不妥，只是开始感到我的家庭生活并不像想象中那么幸福。妻子常常跟我吵架，但是用不了几个小时，我们就会和好。对这样的事情，我并没有放在心上。但是一天，我的刚满4岁的儿子突然对我说：'爸爸，你不喜欢妈妈吗？我觉得她很好啊！'他那么说好像我是一个大坏蛋似的。他的话让我突然体会到'妈妈'这个词的分量，然后我也体会到她作为'妻子'的分量。当然我是很爱我的妻子的。她一直默默无闻地为我们这个家做着很多事情，而我却没有任何表示。 “每天回家之后，我吃着她精心做的可口的晚餐，把一天的疲倦都驱散掉；第二天又穿着她洗烫的衣服，精神抖擞地去上班。我觉得这一切都是应该的，一切都很自然。可能在我妻子的心里，在某些时候，也会有和我儿子一样的想法：'难道杰克不再爱我了吗？难道我做错了什么吗？'她会产生这些想法，都是我的过错。我虽然是爱她的，但是我却不能原谅自己。在过去的5年里，她从没有体会到什么是幸福的家庭生活。 “于是我找了一个合适的机会，邀请我的妻子参加只有我们俩的约会，并且跟她谈了一次心。我非常郑重地告诉她，我很爱她，就像以前一样，但是我在之前却做了许多傻事，并请求她的原谅。我的妻子原谅了我，她也把自己的一些想法告诉了我。原来她的想法跟我料想的一样，她的确存在过我不再爱她的疑虑。她对我说，作为一个妻子，她却不能完全了解和信任她的丈夫，这使她十分愧疚。 “那次谈话之后，我们的婚姻生活发生了明显的变化，我的妻子显得比以前快乐多了。因此，以后我又经常找时间跟我的妻子谈心——每个星期至少一次。谈心确实使我们的婚姻保持了活力，我们现在跟刚结婚的时候是一样的。” 结婚并不只是意味着相互交换戒指，而是要让对方知道，你是多么愿意跟他（她）生活在一起。许多步入家庭生活的男男女女都感到疑惑：为什么婚前那么热烈的两个人，在婚后却显得那么陌生，或者只是像一对朋友一样，完全不再有情爱的表示？ 很多婚姻的破裂，正是那些琐碎的小事导致的，而不是那些触礁般的大事件，这正是因为没有沟通的缘故。想想看，如果你能够适时地把自己内心的想法跟对方说出来，难道还会有什么不可解决的问题吗？ 因此，婚姻专家给我们的建议是：与你的配偶谈心——就像杜蒙那样。 事实当然不是这么简单。我并不打算否认存在这方面的原因，但是我仍然相信主要原因不在这里。既然两个人能够结婚，那么就应该不存在不可以解决的矛盾和冲突，问题的关键在于他们缺少沟通。 不过大部分的男人会解释说：“我每天花10个小时上班，每天筋疲力尽，什么都不想说，什么都不想做。” 有关的调查统计显示，结婚后的男人每天对妻子说的话一般不会超过2000个单词。相对于男人平均每天说15000个单词来说，这个数字低得让男人们难以置信，但是相信女人们应该不会感到惊讶。男人的话对顾客、上司、下属和朋友们都讲完了，回到家里好像就无话可讲了。 如果这种行为可以原谅的话，那么下面的这一种行为就不可以原谅了：当他明明知道自己可能被妻子误解为“不爱我了”或者“有外遇”的时候，他依旧缄口不语。他并没有想到要解释什么，好像也没有想到这种猜测可能导致的后果。 让我们来想象一下没有进行及时和足够沟通的婚姻破灭的轨迹：忙碌于工作的男人认为自己最大的责任是为家庭提供足够的物质保障，因此没有时间和精力给予妻子各方面的慰藉，而此时的女人则非常需要得到这些。当她不能被满足时，常常会感到自己很寂寞、被忽视、被欺骗了，于是她开始抱怨，并且开始进行种种无理的猜测，这一切导致了夫妻关系的疏远。 男人仍旧没有注意到这一点。一开始，女人会耐心地去试图理解、吸引、引导他，但当女人打算主动跟他谈心的时候，男人却一点儿都不重视。于是，这种难以忍受的、如同寡居的生活使女人越来越容易怀疑和猜测。 女人想要挽救似乎要破裂的婚姻，于是她产生了一种焦虑的感觉，并且为此而苦恼。于是她开始找机会刺激他，使他尴尬、发怒，这更加加深了女人的焦虑。就在这时候，发生了一件小事，他们发生了争执，女人开始借题发挥，而男人本性难移，依然忽视这种矛盾。男人认为女人是在无理取闹，一点儿都不理解自己的辛苦，认为她生性尖刻、泼辣，也许他们本来就不适合在一起；女人认为男人既然这么不重视她，于是就提出了离婚。 毫无疑问，这样的发展轨迹符合大多数情况。多么可怕！而这一切的原因仅仅是一些鸡毛蒜皮的小事。
再好的婚姻也会有摩擦，这似乎是不可避免的。因此，当你在与妻子或丈夫讨论问题的时候，请随时注意你们的谈话气氛。我的一个朋友莎丽在跟我谈起这个话题的时候深有感触。像大多数妻子一样，她每天都要对布鲁克林说一些类似的话： “你系的这条领带真是糟糕透了。我给你买的那条呢？”“你今天又回来得很晚，是不是公司有什么事？” 布鲁克林对这些话的反应在不同的时候会截然不同。当他心情很好的时候，他会非常高兴地接受莎丽话里的一些正确的东西，而并不在意她表现出的不满。莎丽总是埋怨布鲁克林回家太晚，可是布鲁克林却总能想办法使他的妻子的烦恼一扫而光。这种气氛当然是最好的，随便她说什么，布鲁克林都不会生气。 但是当他心情不好的时候，情况将会变得十分糟糕。他会对莎丽大吼道：“我就是喜欢这条领带！”或者强压住内心的愤怒，一言不发地倒在床上。这时候，无论她说什么，他的态度都会十分蛮横，甚至避免谈任何事情。 这种现象在我们每个人身上都会发生。心理学家告诉我们，当我们处在气愤的情绪中时，我们不会注意到自己有什么过错，而只会把和解的途径建立在对方的改变之上。我们不会再心平气和地倾听对方的谈话，主动解决问题的动力也会减少。这样，即使让两个人待在一个房间里都是很困难的，所有问题都得不到解决，甚至会越闹越大。 也许你认为这种情况很正常，心情不好的时候当然听不进去对方的话。但是通过奥古斯丁和玛丽的婚姻也许可以给我们一定的启示。 玛丽希望奥古斯丁每天能够多花点儿时间在家，可是她不知道该怎么和奥古斯丁说。因为他赚的钱比玛丽多了许多倍，并且她也知道，他很爱这个家庭，他的工作确实很忙，几乎抽不出什么时间。 虽然玛丽没有把这个要求提出来，但是她却希望奥古斯丁自己能够意识到这一点。而奥古斯丁根本就没有时间和精力来考虑这些事情，因此，他们的关系变得越来越糟糕。他们俩很难看到对方的一张笑脸，甚至不能坐下来好好谈谈，因为只要一坐下来，气氛就好像会立刻凝固起来。他们之间的冷漠气氛一直持续了5年，最后以他们的离婚而告终。 看起来不可思议，是吗？他们完全能够解决这个问题的，何至于搞得婚姻破裂？玛丽本来可以建议把家庭开支缩减，这样就可以免去奥古斯丁一些工作上的压力，从而使他有更多的时间待在家里，但是她却没有这么做。 任何问题都是有解决方法的，问题就在于你是否想要积极地去解决。每个人都有营造快乐的本能，如果你没有认识到这一点，那么你们的婚姻就迟早走到这一步。虽然婚姻出现问题的原因并不那么简单，但是气氛是一个重要的因素。那样压抑的气氛使两个人都难以启齿，也是这样的气氛使得两个人都无法忍受，所以他们的婚姻最终以失败而告终。 家庭中的气氛确实不容小觑。因此，尽量不要做那些会让气氛变得糟糕的事情。当你发现气氛不那么融洽的时候，你不妨先平静下来，想一想对方是否有对的地方，或者换一种方法去说服她，千万不要让对方认为你好像跟她有不可调和的矛盾似的，这样会让她更加坚持自己的观点，而不是让步。 那么，为了我们的家庭幸福生活做些什么吧！让气氛好起来。我的一个朋友非常善于处理这样的问题。 一次，他和妻子为究竟是买吉普车还是小型货车而发生了分歧：他认为，买吉普车的话，周末度假将会变得更加容易，但是妻子却认为小型货车更加实惠。正当他们好像要破坏一直以来的和谐气氛的时候，他伸出了他的舌头，模仿起了他们才5岁的儿子。妻子看到这种情景，不禁哑然失笑。紧张的气氛于是缓解了下来。接着，他心平气和地跟妻子解释为什么吉普车更加适合他们，而妻子最终也同意了他的意见。 除了以制造幽默的方法来缓和这种紧张的家庭气氛外，还有另外一种很好的办法——紧急叫停。当你发现事情已经朝着自己不可控制的方向发展的时候，应该及时地停止你们的争论。不要让你们不愉快的谈话继续下去，它会像恶魔般伤害你们之间的感情。 如果你们的确已经把气氛弄得很糟糕了，那么想办法进行挽救。你可以采用各种各样的方式，关键是你要想尽办法去做。 我和我的妻子之间经常会产生摩擦，但是我们绝不让这种不愉快的气氛超过两个小时。在这种情况下，我通常会对我的妻子说：“请原谅，我刚才做的实在是太愚蠢了，我的压力可能太大了。让我们和好如初吧！”然后给她一个热情的吻；而她也会说：“都是我不好，就让我们忘了它吧！”这样，我们的气氛就会再度好起来。 在所有家庭中，最常见的也是很愚蠢的一个做法是，大家都执行“冷战政策”。是的，这是非常愚蠢的做法，我不知道这种做法除了伤害对方、加速婚姻走向失败以外还有什么积极的意义。要知道，这个时候的家庭气氛是尴尬的。表面上，他们似乎想让时间来医治创伤，其实，这只是他们懒惰和不负责任的表现。你不可能依靠时间或其他类似的方式来维持、修复和增进感情，除了你们主动做点什么。
关于婚姻不幸的原因，美国第一权威专家迪克斯说：“在所有婚姻中，有50％以上是不幸福的；许多充满浪漫色彩的梦想之所以破灭，其原因之一，就是那些毫无用处的却令人心碎的批评。” 在这一方面，有两个人的做法值得我们学习。在国家公务生活中，迪斯雷利最强有力的对手是格莱斯顿。他们两个人对于大英帝国每一件事情都有可能出现争辩，发生激烈的冲突，但是，他们有一个共同点，就是他们的私人生活都充满了幸福和快乐。 格莱斯顿和他的妻子共同生活了59年，差不多有60年时间，而且他们一直都互敬互爱。我喜欢想象这位英国历史上最值得尊敬的首相：格莱斯顿握着他妻子的手，围绕火炉边的地毯跳舞、唱歌。 格莱斯顿在公开场合中是一位可敬畏的人物，但他在家里却永远都不批评别人。例如，当他到楼下吃早饭，而全家人却还在睡懒觉时，他就会以温和的方式来表达他的不满。他会提高声音，唱一首不知道名字的歌曲，使整个房屋都充满了神秘的歌声，以此来提醒他的家人：全英国最忙的人，独自一人在楼下等着吃早餐。他总是保持外交家的风度，能够体谅别人，并竭力自我克制，不在家里批评任何人和事。 俄国女皇叶卡特琳娜二世也经常如此。叶卡特琳娜曾统治着历史上最大的帝国之一，掌握了千百万臣子百姓的生杀大权。就政治而言，她是一个暴君，她发动过毫无意义的战争，对她的仇敌判处死刑，但是，如果她的厨师把肉给烤焦了，她却什么也不说，而是微笑着吃下去。她这种宽容大度的做法，对一般的丈夫来说，都值得好好学习。 在家庭中存在着很多错误的行为，就正如许多父母动不动就批评他们的孩子一样。对此，你一定以为我会说“不要批评”，但我并不想这么说，而是说“在你批评孩子之前，请先读一读《不体贴的父亲》这篇美国典型的新闻教育文章”。这篇文章最初发表在《家庭纪事》的社论栏里，经过作者同意，我按照《读者文摘》的删节版，将这篇文章放在下面。 我的儿子，你听到了吗，我想在你熟睡的时候说几句。 你躺在床上，小手按在脸颊上，湿湿的金黄色卷发粘在你那出了些许汗水的额头上。我刚才一个人悄悄地走进你的房间。当我几分钟以前在书房读报时，我突然感到十分懊悔，难以呼吸。我是怀着愧疚之心来到你床边的。 我的儿子，我想到了许许多多的事情：我对你的态度确实太凶了。在你穿衣服上学的时候我会呵斥你，因为你只是用毛巾随便擦了把脸；在你没有擦干净鞋子的时候我也会对你大发雷霆；当你把东西丢在地板上时，我又会冲着你大喊大叫。 在吃早餐时，我又发现了你的毛病：你把食物溅在了桌上，吃饭时没有一点修养，还把肘放在桌子上，甚至在面包上涂了厚厚的一层黄油。 当你出门去玩，而我要去赶火车的时候，你转身朝我挥挥手，响亮地说：“爸爸再见！”可是我却皱着眉头告诉你：“挺起胸膛！” 晚上，一切又重新开始。我在路上就看见你跪在地上打弹珠，你的长筒袜子磨出了好几个洞，我当着你的伙伴押你回家，让你感到了羞辱。我还对你说：“袜子是要花钱买的，如果你自己掏钱，我想你会在意了。”唉，我这当父亲的居然对你说出这种话来！ Do you remember?没过多久，当我在书房读报时，你小心地走进来，怯怯地看着我，眼睛里带着委屈的样子。我从报纸的上面看到了你，对你来打搅我感到十分不悦。只见你站在门口，有些犹豫。 “你想干什么？”我冷冷地说。 你什么也没说，只是突然朝我跑过来，以上帝也为之感动的爱，搂住我的脖子亲吻着我，然后又用小手紧紧地抱了我一下。之后你离开了，快步走向楼梯上楼了。 在你离开不久，我的儿子，我的报纸从手中滑落在地，一阵令人难受的强烈愧疚涌上了我的心头。我真是受习惯之害匪浅——吹毛求疵，并且动不动就斥责，这就是我对你这个小男孩的报偿！我不是不爱你，我的儿子，这是我对你的期望太高了，并以我自己的年龄标准来要求你。 然而，在你的天性中却充满着真、善、美。你那颗幼小的心灵就好像包含并照亮了群山的清晨的阳光——你跑进来亲吻我，向我道晚安的内在，生动地表明了这一切，其他都不重要了！我的儿子，我在黑暗中来到你的床边，内心充满愧疚地跪在这里。 我这不过是一种没有什么作用的忏悔。我知道，当我在你醒来的时候告诉你这些时，你也不会明白。但是我要从明天开始做一个真正的父亲。我要成为你的好伙伴，在你痛苦时我帮你分担，在你欢笑时我和你共同分享。我不会再说那些不耐烦的话，我会不停地、庄重地说：“他只是个孩子——一个小男孩！” 我想我以前是将你当大人来对待的，但是，我的儿子，当我现在看到你蜷缩着睡在你的小床上时，你仍然是个婴儿。你在母亲的怀里，头靠在她肩上，那些情景犹如发生在昨天。我以前对你太苛刻了！ 我们都不要批评责备别人，而要尝试着去了解他们，尤其对于我们的家人来说更是如此。我们要试着明白他们为什么会那样做，这比批评有益处，也更有意义得多。正如詹森博士所说的那样：“先生，不到世界末日，上帝都不会审判世人。”
爱情是一种情感，是男女双方基于共同爱好、共同理想，在各自内心形成的互相依赖、互相倾慕的感情。我们要想让自己的爱情更持久、更强烈，就要和恋人建立共同的爱好。这样，会越处越亲密。 在我授课的过程中，一位名叫汉娜的女士向我诉说了她心中的苦恼。she says: “卡耐基先生，我在两年前认识了一位非常优秀的男士，在相识之初，我感觉和他在一起幸福极了，恨不得每时每刻与他都不分离。那个时候，我们有聊不完的话题，也有很多有趣的事情可以做。但是过了两个月之后，我发现我们在一起的时候没有以前快乐了，而且我们之间因为没有共同的语言，交流也变得很少了。最后，我们只好分开了。” 各位女士，听了汉娜女士的遭遇，你们有什么样的想法呢？我的想法是这样的：这位汉娜女士和她的恋人共同爱好太少了，因为两个人的兴趣点不同，所以没有共同语言。我把我的想法告诉了她，她接受我的建议之后，果然解决了心中的烦恼。 但是，在生活中很多恋人都忘了这一点。他们总在发展自己的爱好，却忽略了对方的兴趣。结果他们就像两条平行线，等时间一长，便没有了交集。两个人的沟通越来越少，到最后只能选择分手，结束这段爱情。 各位女士，你们和恋人交往的时候，一定要建立共同的兴趣和爱好。这样，你们的关系才会更亲近，你们之间的感情才会更深刻。在这方面，茱莉亚小姐就做得非常好。 茱莉亚小姐中学毕业之后就跟着父亲学着做生意。一次偶然的机会，她认识了一名工程师，两个人很快就坠入了爱河。这名工程师对茱莉亚小姐非常欣赏，但是我们可以想象，两个人的教育背景不同，在兴趣爱好方面肯定也有着很大的不同。两个人在接触一段时间之后，话题越来越少了，而且就是在一起的时候也觉得索然无味，完全体验不到爱情带来的快乐和美好。 渐渐地，茱莉亚小姐有了一种预感，她觉得自己和这位工程师迟早要分手，只是时间问题。有好几次，她都要把“分手”两个字说出来，省得心里面总是在担心这件事。但是茱莉亚小姐真的非常喜欢这位工程师，而且对方确实是一位出色的男士，和他分手，茱莉亚小姐又有些舍不得。 有一天，这位工程师约请茱莉亚小姐去看曲棍球比赛。茱莉亚小姐对于曲棍球一点也不懂，也从来没有参加过这样的活动，但是在对方的邀请之下，她还是去看了。看完之后，她感觉还算不错，便和自己的恋人谈论起来。她惊奇地发现，自己那位沉默寡言的恋人竟然滔滔不绝地说起来，而且非常兴奋。那一天，他们两个人过得非常愉快。 从那以后，茱莉亚小姐经常陪这位工程师去看曲棍球比赛。渐渐地，她对曲棍球也有了兴趣，两个人的话题也多了起来。 茱莉亚小姐发现了这样一个秘密：爱人间的关系要想变得亲密，就要有共同的兴趣和爱好。于是，她尽自己的最大努力去迎合对方，并且把自己的一些兴趣爱好也介绍给对方。慢慢地，两个人的话题越来越多，不仅关系更加亲密了，而且生活得非常快乐。 由此不难看出，共同的理想、共同的兴趣爱好是爱情的基础，即使我们很爱一个人，但若没有共同的理想以及爱好，这样的爱情肯定不会长久的。所以，我们要和自己的恋人建立共同的兴趣爱好，这样，才能让两个人的爱情更恒久、更深刻。
Successful marriages don’t happen by accident. Don’t take everything in marriage for granted, and don’t think that marriage should be “the prince and princess lived happily ever after.” If you think about it this way, marriage will definitely let us down.Love and happiness do not just fall from the sky and hit us, but are paid by us first, cultivated carefully, and then rewarded. Dirko Podol, an expert on American marriage relations, once said: "In the United States, every year, many young men and women start their married life, and at the same time, many couples end their married life. Many people, especially women, They are very dissatisfied with their married life, and think that the quality of life after marriage is far from what they expected. In fact, not all marriages occur after marriage, and many of them have already occurred before marriage Many young people choose marriage hastily without a correct understanding of marriage, thus planting a time bomb for the emergence of future marriage problems. I can say with certainty that most young people in the United States, including those Married couples are still illiterate about marriage.” I don't know how the ladies felt when they saw Dierko's words?Maybe you don't agree with him.You've been married for years, decades, or even decades, and your marriage is still going on.Although some friction occasionally occurs, it is inevitable.Indeed, both ladies and your husbands are working hard to maintain your marriage, and this is the responsibility and obligation of both of you.However, if I ask the ladies here: "Is your marriage happy? Do you live very happily every day?" I think many ladies may not be able to answer me confidently: "Yes!" In fact, many wives, especially those who have been married for many years, often have a "reluctant" attitude towards marriage.There is no passion, no joy, no novelty in their marriage.For them, marriage just represents the passage of time and has no other meaning. The root cause of this phenomenon is that women lack a correct, thorough and clear understanding of marriage.They either view marriage as too romantic or too rational, which is why Dilko called them "marriage illiterates."I have done detailed research on this issue, and found that such women often have six major misunderstandings about marriage: There are many young women in life who often dream of having adventures like Snow White in fairy tales. They are full of beautiful longings and longings for love and marriage, and they very much hope to live the life described in the book: dreaming of being with each other every day. The ones I love are lingering together, having breakfast, lunch, dinner together, and going out for picnics from time to time.Later, having a child, the family lived a happy life... However, the real life after marriage makes this vision soon be broken.After losing the freshness of marriage, those Snow Whites in their dreams will often fall into the daily mundane things, and their Prince Charming will no longer sweet talk to her as before, let alone prepare anything in order to make ends meet. The gift is just doing the work of going out early and returning late every day, so I don't have time to accompany her at all.Later, the child was born, but taking care of the child is a very troublesome thing.As a result, many women began to lose confidence in marriage, and even began to suspect that they had chosen the wrong person and lived in regret, complaints and nagging every day. But what is the reason for such an outcome?It must be because our young female friends imagined marriage too romantic at the beginning, and thus lost their clear understanding of married life. I believe that real marriage would not make her have such a huge sense of contrast.This type of lady sees marriage as a fairy tale, without taking into account the reality of it.Therefore, once the marriage returns from the fairy tale to reality, it will immediately cause dissatisfaction among these women, which in turn will lead to problems in the marriage. Women who hold this view are mostly wives who have been married for many years.Their understanding of marriage is exactly the opposite of that of the previous type of women, who view marriage too realistically.Many wives who have been married for many years believe that there is no freshness to speak of between their husbands and themselves, and it is even more impossible to find any freshness.Therefore, they let their marriage develop in a dull, flat, and boring way, and they don't want to do anything to change the marriage. Such ladies do recognize the practical side of marriage, but ignore its romantic side.Although they have no complaints about their current marriage, it does not mean that this is a marriage without problems.In the simplest terms, their husbands may have the opposite opinion. In fact, it is not difficult to make marriage a little more romantic, and there are many methods that can be used.For example, ladies may wish to extravagance once in a while, have a candlelight dinner with their husbands, or take a walk in the woods with their husbands' arms after dinner.If necessary, even after many years of marriage, the wife can try to act like a baby with her husband.Although this may seem somewhat nasty, it can indeed play a role in regulating marriage. Many women complain that their husbands don't understand sex at all.Some even think that they are no longer attractive to their husbands, because the husband is not as sweet-talking and caring to her as before, and of course there is no romance at all. But in fact, it is not that the husband does not intend to give his wife a romantic and happy marriage, but that real life does not give them a chance.In order to maintain the life of the whole family, the husbands have to leave early and return late every day, and they also have to bear enormous work pressure outside.In this way, husbands spend most of their energy on raising their families, so they don't have the time to think about romance and warmth. While the above may sound like an excuse, it is also true.Ladies, I sincerely hope that instead of blaming men for all their mistakes, you should understand them and be considerate of them.Since they don't have the energy to create romance, you should take the initiative.There are many ways, or remind them, or simply create your own, in short, you can't complain and complain. Many couples ignore the role of communication and regard communication as a superfluous thing.They have their own reasons, and they think that after many years of getting along from dating to marriage, they already know each other very well, so there is no need to communicate at all.However, after investigation, it is found that it takes at least 5 years for a husband and wife to truly understand each other. That is to say, during these 5 years, the husband and wife are constantly exploring.Therefore, I have always emphasized that both husband and wife should communicate frequently and must tell each other their true inner feelings, so as to make a happy married life. Many women believe that love is pure, and since two people form a family, there should be no privacy.This kind of thinking should not be said to be completely wrong, because sincerity is the key to building a happy and happy marriage.However, these ladies ignore another point, that is, love is also selfish.Sometimes white lies can be crucial to maintaining a relationship between husband and wife. Everyone has their own pursuit of freedom and dreams, even if you are married, don't think it is your private property.You know, he belongs to himself.He not only exists because of your small family, he also has his own life circle, social circle, parents, relatives, friends, colleagues, and so on.If you want your marriage tree to be evergreen, you must follow him into this big circle, just like you have your own life circle, and you don't want to be bound by him.Give him freedom, give him space, and give yourself freedom and space. So, when you want to marry the man who loves you and spend your whole life together, you must be mentally prepared to accept and bear all aspects related to it, including family background, social background and his living habits.Please be very clear that the man you choose and the life you choose are not just a single individual of him, but the complex environment behind his family growth environment and the inextricable interactions with him. social groups. The above are the major misunderstandings I have mentioned about women's understanding of marriage.Therefore, I advise those ladies who are about to get married or are already married to take a good look at these points and stop letting yourself be illiterate about marriage.
The Japanese conducted a survey on the causes of unsatisfactory marriage life, and found that among the factors that make husbands dissatisfied with their wives, the top three factors are: nagging (27%), bad personality (23%), and ignorance Housekeeping (14%).That said, a large part of what causes people to be unhappy in their marriages is lady nagging. Napoleon Pennapede, nephew of Napoleon III, fell in love with and married the most beautiful woman, Countess Ugenie d'Urberville.According to his advisers, she was no more than the daughter of an insignificant Spanish count.But Napoleon replied: "So what?" Her grace, her youth, her allure, her beauty filled him with a fairy-like happiness. "I've loved a woman I love," he said, "and she's not a woman I don't know." Napoleon and his new wife had all the conditions for happiness in health, wealth, power, fame, beauty, love and faith, but the flame of their marriage had never been more blazing.And not long after, the blazing holy fire was extinguished until it was reduced to ashes.Napoleon can make Eugenie a queen, he can give all that beautiful France has, or give all the power of his love, even the power of his throne, but he can't do one thing: he can't stop his woman, Eugenie d'Urber chatter. Out of jealousy and suspicion, Yu Jinni despised his orders and even forbade him to have any secret expressions.While he was engaged in state affairs, she broke into his office and thwarted his most important discussions.She refused him to be alone, always afraid that he would associate with other women.She often goes to her sister's house to complain about her husband.Complaining, crying, chattering, even intimidating, and forcing himself into his study, spitting and cursing at him. Napoleon, the emperor of France, even though he had many magnificent palaces, could not find a small cupboard where he could settle his mind.What are the consequences of Yu Jinni's actions?There is this record in Reinhard's meticulously written "Napoleon and Eugenie: An Imperial Tragedy and Comedy": "Later, Napoleon often went out at night secretly through a side door, wearing a bonnet, covering his eyes, and was covered by a Confidant entourage, really go to the beautiful women waiting for him, or roam the city like in ancient times, see things that can't be seen, and breathe some air that can be breathed." And all this is caused by the chattering Yujini.She sits queen of France, and is the most beautiful woman in the world; but amidst chatter and tumult neither throne nor beauty can keep love alive.She brought it on herself, and the poor woman's misfortune was brought about by her jealousy and nagging. Of all the blazes, deadliest is the chatter, Invented by the fiends of Hell, in their ferocious schemes for the destruction of love, That saps the life of man forever like the venom of a viper. Heiberger, who has served in New York family court for 11 years, has reviewed thousands of divorce cases.He said: "One of the main reasons why men leave home is because their wives babble." Maybe marriage is like what the Boston Post said: "Many wives, constantly digging bit by bit, cause The grave of their own marriage." The greatest tragedy in Lincoln's life was also his marriage.What was Lincoln doing every day and night of the twenty-three years of their marriage?As his law firm colleague Hearne put it, he tasted "the bitter fruit of a bad marriage." In fact, saying "unhappy marriage" is an understatement, because Lincoln's wife has been nagging him for more than 20 years, which has made him rarely have peace.She was always complaining about everything, always criticizing her husband, thinking that everything about him was wrong: he slumped, his walk was ugly, his feet were very rigid.She reprimanded him for his lack of flexibility in walking and his inelegant posture.She would tease him by imitating his walk and correcting him to walk on his toes first, as she had learned in Mrs. Mendel's boarding school in Claxington.She also didn't like the way his big ears formed at right angles to his head; she even told him that his nose was not straight, his lips protruded, and he looked like a consumptive man, with too big hands and feet, And the head is too small, and so on. Did all this nagging, berating, and rage change Lincoln?In some ways, it did change Lincoln, that is, changed his attitude towards her, made him regret his unhappiness in marriage, and tried his best to avoid meeting her.Whenever Saturday came, other lawyers would try their best to go home and spend the weekend with their families; Lincoln didn't want to go back, he was afraid to go home.Despite the harsh conditions of the country inn, Lincoln would rather stay there than go home and face his wife's constant chatter. Indeed, nagging and faultfinding bring more misfortune to the family than extravagance and waste.On this point, you don't have to believe my words right away, but listen to the experts first! Dr. Lewis M. Terman is a well-known psychologist. He conducted a detailed investigation and research on more than 1,500 couples. The results showed that husbands all listed nagging and picky as their wives' biggest shortcomings.A Gallup poll came to the same conclusion: Men ranked nagging and critical as the number one flaw in women.The Jensen Temperament Analysis—another well-known scientific study—also found that no other personality type can be as damaging to family life as nagging and critical. However, it seems that since ancient cave dwellings, wives have tried to influence their husbands by nagging and critical methods, but this method has never worked since ancient times-unless the sun comes out in the west . An old friend told me that his wife nearly ruined his career by belittling and laughing at every job he ever did.He started out as a salesman who loved his products and was passionate about selling them to people.When he came home at night, he hoped to get some encouragement from his wife, but his wife greeted him with these words: "Well, our big genius, today's business is good, right? You brought back a lot of commissions Right? Or just bring back a lecture from the sales manager? I think you know we're going to pay the rent next week, right?" This situation continued for several years.Although ridiculed by his wife from time to time, this man persisted in his hard work.Now, he has served as the executive vice president of a well-known company in the country. As for his wife?Oh, and he'd divorced her long ago and married a young girl who would give him love and support that his first wife couldn't. In fact, his first wife had no idea why she lost her husband. "I have lived so poorly for so many years," she told her friend, "that when he no longer needed me as a cow and horse for him, he left me for a woman younger than me. That's it. A man would be like this!" If someone had told this lady that it was not another woman who had driven her husband away from her, but her own nagging and faultfinding, the lady would not have believed it.But this is indeed the real reason why her husband left her.She nags and finds fault in a dismissive way—a chronic torture to a man's self-confidence, and a severe blow to his masculine self-esteem. Nagging is a disease.Complaints, complaints, comparisons, contempt, ridicule, chatter—women who like to nag and find fault, among these cruel ways of treating others, if they are not specialized in one of them, they will become omnipotent in both "Expert" too.Nagging is like a narcotic, you can't learn it, and you can't get rid of it, it's a habit.When a girl becomes a bride at the age of 20, if she only knows how to nagging, but does not know when she will be able to live in a new house as good as the neighbor, then when she is 40 years old, she will definitely become a hopeless Drugged, insatiable about anything, unlovable whining specialist. There are many examples that illustrate the destructive effect of nagging on marriage. There was an article in "Telecom World" that reported such a seemingly bizarre thing: a 50-year-old maintenance man hired three killers in a row, and finally killed his wife. No nagging from his wife.According to the husband, his wife was always able to talk for three days and three nights about a trivial matter, which drove him crazy-in fact, judging by the fact that he did it, He's gone crazy. A 32-year-old Tanzanian man took his own life prematurely with a bottle of insect repellant.A pill bottle and a letter were found next to his body in which he wrote: "I have decided to end my life immediately because my wife is always nagging. It is not my intention to attribute all unsatisfactory marriages to women's nagging—in fact, in all such matters, the other person can also be very wrong—I just want to say that if You do realize that your nagging is sabotaging your married life, and you shouldn't hesitate to fix it.
In the halls of marriage, we hear the familiar phrase of the wedding ceremony: "For better or worse, poor or rich, sick or healthy, you will love each other hereafter, until the day of death." However, In this later life, we find that this oath cannot be trusted.We know that even as I write these words, countless families are fighting, and countless men and women are grieving.If we broaden our horizons, we can turn our observations into one sentence: where there are people, there are contradictions and conflicts - and families are no exception. While this result may sound disheartening, it needn't be.It's great to be friendly and loving, but even a few conflicts make our married life more interesting.Conflict is caused by different opinions, different perspectives, and even different solutions, and couples in an intimate relationship naturally have problems in this regard. Maybe you think your wife might look more comfortable without makeup, and you want her to accept your point of view, but unfortunately, she insists that she looks more attractive with makeup, and even thinks that without makeup, she will feel less confident—— As a result, the two argued endlessly.When such a family conflict arises, we will find a way to deal with it, and at the same time, we always hope that both people are satisfied with the result of the resolution—from this point of view, the above initial solution to the problem of makeup is inappropriate.Faced with these inevitable conflicts in life, how should we resolve them? The method I advocate is that you can't use coercive language to persuade the other party or order the other party to do anything-as I mentioned earlier, because the result of doing so will only be against you. Not long ago, I had a one-on-one conversation with the CEO of a large corporation.He is a young successful man, and because of his excellent work, his photos often appear on the prominent pages of major newspapers in the United States.He was very excited at the beginning of the conversation, but when we talked about his beautiful wife, he started to scowle and moan. "Alas!" said the president, "my wife never understands me. I give her everything she needs to become more educated and qualified, but instead of thanking me, she seems to be Very dissatisfied with my behavior." "How do you do it?" I asked him. "Oh," the president replied, "I want to send her to New York University—I think that's something she needs urgently. I'm going to send her there for a year and then run the company with me." As far as I know, he has a high degree of education and is proficient in business management knowledge. More importantly, he is very interested in this work.But I don't know if he was sure that his wife shared his interest in business management.I asked him this question. "Undoubtedly," said the gentleman, "how can she not be interested in this, since she is married to me, and has lived with me for nearly five years?" Although I am not sure that his judgment is wrong, I know that the reason why his wife is dissatisfied with his decision must be due to interest.Like most people, this gentleman also made a very easy mistake, that is, he judged that they had the same interests and hobbies just based on the fact that the other party was his wife. So he was forcing his wife to take his advice—which at this point seemed to be an order.If I analyze it with the reason I mentioned before, even if his wife originally wanted to obey him, when she finds that she is being ordered, she will unconsciously develop a mentality of resistance. Such truths are not necessarily only known to psychologists or marriage experts.Those who live a happy life know this, and they never use obsessive words to their wives or husbands.They never say "what should you do" or "you shouldn't think that way", but express themselves in more subtle ways. Compulsive language seems to be playing out all the time.Most men are wary of their customers for fear of saying a wrong word, but yell at their wives like a tyrant.They are always used to instructing their close lovers how to do things and how to speak.No wonder Dix said, "It's surprising that our family members are the ones who say the most hurtful things." Oliver Hames describes such a situation in his book "The Dictator for Breakfast" .But Harms himself is not like this, he never let his wife see his face, even if he is in a bad mood, he does not vent his anger on others. Dorothy Dix once commented that more than half of all marriages fail.In her opinion, a large part of the reason for marriage failure is related to compulsive language.She questioned: "What puzzles the wives is why they can't be more gentle with them when they can use gentler means instead of coercion?" "A man knows full well that flattery can make his wife do anything desperately: he knows that as long as he praises his wife's housekeeping, she will give her last penny to the family; The old-fashioned clothes she buys are so beautiful that she doesn't think about Parisian haute couture; He's gone, but why doesn't he seem to know at all?" As a man, I can tell wives with certainty that these methods apply to them as well.Therefore, for the happiness of the family, all should give up using obsessive language, because we all know that such a strong attitude will never bring the other party to its knees.
Marriage also needs nutrients, and this nutrient is freshness.When we first got to know each other, we were full of freshness, so we fell in love vigorously.At this time, the feeling of love is happiness and sweetness.But after a long time, everyone is familiar with each other, and there is no new feeling, and love becomes flat. Research by psychologists has found that after two people fall in love, their relationship with each other will change qualitatively over time.In the early stages of a relationship, that spark of love is called "infatuation."Feelings for each other are especially strong during this stage.I miss the other party non-stop, and I can talk on the phone for several hours, and I still feel unsatisfied. I think that the other party is almost perfect in my mind, with only advantages and no disadvantages.This phenomenon occurs because of hormonal changes in our body.However, these mysterious hormones are not permanent, because the surge of hormones in the human body begins to decrease about 18 months after falling in love, and the longest can not exceed two years.That is to say, the preservation period of passionate love is generally only 18 months. Since then, the infatuation has begun to subside, and the feeling of being obsessed with each other and haunting each other no longer exists.At this time, lovers often have a psychological gap, and even begin to doubt love. It is human nature to like the new and dislike the old, but marriage is an unchanging relationship that becomes more and more familiar and even pervasive, and finally loses the crisis and fresh stimulation.Both men and women will become trivial and decadent due to the lack of challenges and nourishment.This is not a crime of marriage. The problem lies in how the two people who built the siege defined their roles. So, how to create romance in marriage? In married life, if the other party takes you on a trip, or drinks coffee at a music cafe, or buys a bouquet of flowers to make you happy.These actions are called special actions, which are unexpected and reasonable. After marriage, it is very important for the wife to maintain the restraint and dignity she had when she was in love before marriage, and try to maintain her beautiful image.However, many women are very ladylike and dignified when they are in love, but they don't pay much attention to their image after marriage.If the wife persists in her virtuous and virtuous self-cultivation to the end, she will have a happy marriage. Humor, humor, and frequent laughter can not only make oneself appear full of vitality and charm, but also skillfully resolve family conflicts and enhance family cohesion. Keeping a certain distance between husband and wife, that is, maintaining the relative independence and freedom of both parties when they are married can greatly increase mutual attraction.This distance can be divided into two types: one is tangible and the other is intangible.The former refers to the intermittent temporary separation of husband and wife in time and space, while the latter refers to the fact that husband and wife respect each other's privacy on the basis of full trust, do not interfere with each other's normal social activities, and give each other sufficient and reasonable social freedom. "Distance produces beauty", keeping a proper distance between husband and wife can get twice the result with half the effort to care for the marriage effect, and can avoid the conflict and boredom between husband and wife caused by long-term mutual affection. After marriage, as a wife, you should give your husband some "romantic" tricks from time to time, and moderately give him a little suspense, which can effectively arouse his curiosity and attract his attention.Under normal circumstances, the small "trap" of love can create unexpected surprises and create a romantic atmosphere in marriage.Besides, the wife maintains the shyness and reservedness of "still holding the pipa and half covering her face" when she was a girl, and can also give the husband room for reverie, so that the husband can see flowers in the fog from time to time. This kind of hazy beauty can make the wife more attractive. If the wife acts like a baby in moderation, the husband will not only not get bored, but will also develop a sense of love and affection.It can be said that in front of the husband, the wife's squeamishness has nothing to do with age, no matter how old a woman is, she can always be her husband's sweet wife.When the husband and wife have disagreements or quarrel, the wife's moderate acting like a baby will get unexpected results, and the husband will make concessions out of love and accommodation, and the conflict between husband and wife will disappear.Therefore, it can be said that the wife acting like a baby is a "buffer" to mediate conflicts between husband and wife.But there is one thing that must be paid attention to, that is, acting like a baby should be moderate, and refrain from interpreting "Jiao Didi" as "savage". As long as there are no changes in a person's marriage in his life, he will face his lover day and night, and he can devote his whole life to it. It doesn't matter if he stays together for less than a few hours. Don't be together all the time.For example, some young couples disband the "duo" group and socialize independently when they meet with friends, colleagues, or even go out to play.This method is a respect for their respective natures, hobbies and independence, and is conducive to maintaining the relationship between husband and wife.Of course, this kind of independent behavior cannot replace the "two-person world", otherwise marriage will lose its meaning, so we should know that it is fundamental to ensure the subjectivity of the "two-person world", and the proportion of separation and combination must be properly distributed. A gentle hug can melt a defensive heart.When he is busy outside for a day, you don't forget to pour him a glass of water and give him a considerate hug (note, hugging too excited and too hard will be counterproductive), which is much more important than countless sweet words. A parting kiss can often grasp the other person's heart, even the ice can melt, it can make the other person feel sweet and happy all day long.
Marriage cannot lack trust and understanding.Understanding can make two people connect with each other and make the relationship closer; trust is the bond that maintains the relationship between two people.If you keep doubting each other, your relationship will definitely not be as close as it used to be, and a breakup will be inevitable. By chance, I met Kayle, a well-known marriage expert, at a banquet.Mr. Kayle is a very famous person who has helped many women whose marriages broke down to regain happy love.During the meal, Mr. Kayle and I talked about love.I asked him: "Mr. Kayle, many lovers will still break up after dating for two or three years, and even some married people will go to the road of divorce. Why do you think this is?" Mr. Kayle said: "Understanding and trust are the weights to maintain love. Without these two weights, love will not go too far. What couples lack the most is trust and understanding. Therefore, After dating for a period of time, many couples finally choose to break up." Then, he told such a true story. Miss Gassi is an accountant of a company. She is not only beautiful, but also very temperamental.Therefore, many people pursued her, but she couldn't see her at all.In her opinion, her boyfriend should be more outstanding and better than these people in front of her. Later, she met a businessman at a banquet. He not only had his own company, but also behaved very gentlemanly.The two fell in love at first sight and soon fell in love.At the beginning, Miss Gacy thought she was very happy, because such successful men are rare.However, slowly, she changed from complacency to worry, fearing that other women would snatch her boyfriend away.So, she called her boyfriend every day and asked him what he was doing.Sometimes, she would even look through her boyfriend's clothes to see if he was having an affair with another woman. Later, Miss Gassi was going to marry her boyfriend.But at this time, something happened to her boyfriend's company, and there were many things to deal with every day.He stayed in the company for several days and rarely called Miss Gassi.This made Miss Gassi very unhappy. She thought that the other party had changed his mind and did not want to marry herself.So, she went to her boyfriend's company to find him. Not only did she not help him, but she also caused him a lot of trouble.Obviously, her actions made the other party very unhappy. One day, after she got off work, she went to the company to look for her boyfriend, and found that there were only two other people in the company, his female secretary.Although both of them were immersed in their work, Ms. Gassi still suspected that the relationship between them was not normal, so she quarreled with her boyfriend.In the end, her boyfriend was very disappointed in her and broke up with her. After telling the story, Mr. Kayle said: "Why did Miss Gacy break up with her boyfriend in the end? It was precisely because she lacked trust and understanding of her boyfriend. When her boyfriend's company was in trouble, She should share the other party's worries and problems, but she didn't do it, and instead sent a lot of trouble. What's more, she suspected that the other party had betrayed herself, and this result can only be said to be caused by her own hands. " 卡伊尔先生所讲的这个例子非常具有代表性。的确，现在很多女性都以自我为中心，完全不去考虑恋人的想法和感受。如果对方稍有疏忽，便会采用大吵大闹的方式解决；更有甚者，总是怀疑自己的恋人背叛自己，像警察监督小偷一样监督自己的恋人，生怕他们脱离自己的控制。正是因为缺少信任和理解，最后两个人的感情出现了难以弥补的裂缝，除了分手外，已无路可走。 各位步入婚姻的人们，你们一定要记住卡伊尔先生的话，婚姻如同爱情一样是不能缺少信任和理解的。理解可以让两个人心心相通，关系更为亲密；而信任也是维系两个人感情的纽带，因为信任总是相互的，当你去信任他的时候，他才可能信任你。如果你们相互之间产生了怀疑，你们的关系肯定就不会像以前一样亲密，分手也在所难免了。所以，大家应该学会信任和理解自己的爱人，从而让你们的爱情、婚姻更牢固，走得更远。
婚姻就是一连串琐事，忽视这一事实，将造成家庭生活的灾难。在伦诺法庭每星期有6天要审理批准离婚的案件，几乎每10分钟一宗。你认为那些婚姻有多少是在真正的礁石上撞破的？极少，我可保证。如果你能终日坐在那里听那些不快乐的夫妻们的陈述，就知道爱情往往毁于日常中的琐碎小事上——而这一切都源于夫妻间没有及时地交流沟通。 加拿大安大略的杰克·杜蒙先生曾经给我寄了一封信，对我说了一些他对婚姻生活的感悟。他在信中说道： “我好不容易娶了一位理想中的妻子，她聪明、美丽而且温柔，可以说是完美女人的化身。结婚之后，为了使我们的家庭更加幸福，我开始把几乎全部的精力放在了我的工作上，所以事实上把维持婚姻和家庭幸福的任务全部交给了我的妻子。” 但是他接下来讲述道： “一开始，我并没有觉得有什么不妥，只是开始感到我的家庭生活并不像想象中那么幸福。妻子常常跟我吵架，但是用不了几个小时，我们就会和好。对这样的事情，我并没有放在心上。但是一天，我的刚满4岁的儿子突然对我说：'爸爸，你不喜欢妈妈吗？我觉得她很好啊！'他那么说好像我是一个大坏蛋似的。他的话让我突然体会到'妈妈'这个词的分量，然后我也体会到她作为'妻子'的分量。当然我是很爱我的妻子的。她一直默默无闻地为我们这个家做着很多事情，而我却没有任何表示。 “每天回家之后，我吃着她精心做的可口的晚餐，把一天的疲倦都驱散掉；第二天又穿着她洗烫的衣服，精神抖擞地去上班。我觉得这一切都是应该的，一切都很自然。可能在我妻子的心里，在某些时候，也会有和我儿子一样的想法：'难道杰克不再爱我了吗？难道我做错了什么吗？'她会产生这些想法，都是我的过错。我虽然是爱她的，但是我却不能原谅自己。在过去的5年里，她从没有体会到什么是幸福的家庭生活。 “于是我找了一个合适的机会，邀请我的妻子参加只有我们俩的约会，并且跟她谈了一次心。我非常郑重地告诉她，我很爱她，就像以前一样，但是我在之前却做了许多傻事，并请求她的原谅。我的妻子原谅了我，她也把自己的一些想法告诉了我。原来她的想法跟我料想的一样，她的确存在过我不再爱她的疑虑。她对我说，作为一个妻子，她却不能完全了解和信任她的丈夫，这使她十分愧疚。 “那次谈话之后，我们的婚姻生活发生了明显的变化，我的妻子显得比以前快乐多了。因此，以后我又经常找时间跟我的妻子谈心——每个星期至少一次。谈心确实使我们的婚姻保持了活力，我们现在跟刚结婚的时候是一样的。” 结婚并不只是意味着相互交换戒指，而是要让对方知道，你是多么愿意跟他（她）生活在一起。许多步入家庭生活的男男女女都感到疑惑：为什么婚前那么热烈的两个人，在婚后却显得那么陌生，或者只是像一对朋友一样，完全不再有情爱的表示？ 很多婚姻的破裂，正是那些琐碎的小事导致的，而不是那些触礁般的大事件，这正是因为没有沟通的缘故。想想看，如果你能够适时地把自己内心的想法跟对方说出来，难道还会有什么不可解决的问题吗？ 因此，婚姻专家给我们的建议是：与你的配偶谈心——就像杜蒙那样。 事实当然不是这么简单。我并不打算否认存在这方面的原因，但是我仍然相信主要原因不在这里。既然两个人能够结婚，那么就应该不存在不可以解决的矛盾和冲突，问题的关键在于他们缺少沟通。 不过大部分的男人会解释说：“我每天花10个小时上班，每天筋疲力尽，什么都不想说，什么都不想做。” 有关的调查统计显示，结婚后的男人每天对妻子说的话一般不会超过2000个单词。相对于男人平均每天说15000个单词来说，这个数字低得让男人们难以置信，但是相信女人们应该不会感到惊讶。男人的话对顾客、上司、下属和朋友们都讲完了，回到家里好像就无话可讲了。 如果这种行为可以原谅的话，那么下面的这一种行为就不可以原谅了：当他明明知道自己可能被妻子误解为“不爱我了”或者“有外遇”的时候，他依旧缄口不语。他并没有想到要解释什么，好像也没有想到这种猜测可能导致的后果。 让我们来想象一下没有进行及时和足够沟通的婚姻破灭的轨迹：忙碌于工作的男人认为自己最大的责任是为家庭提供足够的物质保障，因此没有时间和精力给予妻子各方面的慰藉，而此时的女人则非常需要得到这些。当她不能被满足时，常常会感到自己很寂寞、被忽视、被欺骗了，于是她开始抱怨，并且开始进行种种无理的猜测，这一切导致了夫妻关系的疏远。 男人仍旧没有注意到这一点。一开始，女人会耐心地去试图理解、吸引、引导他，但当女人打算主动跟他谈心的时候，男人却一点儿都不重视。于是，这种难以忍受的、如同寡居的生活使女人越来越容易怀疑和猜测。 女人想要挽救似乎要破裂的婚姻，于是她产生了一种焦虑的感觉，并且为此而苦恼。于是她开始找机会刺激他，使他尴尬、发怒，这更加加深了女人的焦虑。就在这时候，发生了一件小事，他们发生了争执，女人开始借题发挥，而男人本性难移，依然忽视这种矛盾。男人认为女人是在无理取闹，一点儿都不理解自己的辛苦，认为她生性尖刻、泼辣，也许他们本来就不适合在一起；女人认为男人既然这么不重视她，于是就提出了离婚。 毫无疑问，这样的发展轨迹符合大多数情况。多么可怕！而这一切的原因仅仅是一些鸡毛蒜皮的小事。
再好的婚姻也会有摩擦，这似乎是不可避免的。因此，当你在与妻子或丈夫讨论问题的时候，请随时注意你们的谈话气氛。我的一个朋友莎丽在跟我谈起这个话题的时候深有感触。像大多数妻子一样，她每天都要对布鲁克林说一些类似的话： “你系的这条领带真是糟糕透了。我给你买的那条呢？”“你今天又回来得很晚，是不是公司有什么事？” 布鲁克林对这些话的反应在不同的时候会截然不同。当他心情很好的时候，他会非常高兴地接受莎丽话里的一些正确的东西，而并不在意她表现出的不满。莎丽总是埋怨布鲁克林回家太晚，可是布鲁克林却总能想办法使他的妻子的烦恼一扫而光。这种气氛当然是最好的，随便她说什么，布鲁克林都不会生气。 但是当他心情不好的时候，情况将会变得十分糟糕。他会对莎丽大吼道：“我就是喜欢这条领带！”或者强压住内心的愤怒，一言不发地倒在床上。这时候，无论她说什么，他的态度都会十分蛮横，甚至避免谈任何事情。 这种现象在我们每个人身上都会发生。心理学家告诉我们，当我们处在气愤的情绪中时，我们不会注意到自己有什么过错，而只会把和解的途径建立在对方的改变之上。我们不会再心平气和地倾听对方的谈话，主动解决问题的动力也会减少。这样，即使让两个人待在一个房间里都是很困难的，所有问题都得不到解决，甚至会越闹越大。 也许你认为这种情况很正常，心情不好的时候当然听不进去对方的话。但是通过奥古斯丁和玛丽的婚姻也许可以给我们一定的启示。 玛丽希望奥古斯丁每天能够多花点儿时间在家，可是她不知道该怎么和奥古斯丁说。因为他赚的钱比玛丽多了许多倍，并且她也知道，他很爱这个家庭，他的工作确实很忙，几乎抽不出什么时间。 虽然玛丽没有把这个要求提出来，但是她却希望奥古斯丁自己能够意识到这一点。而奥古斯丁根本就没有时间和精力来考虑这些事情，因此，他们的关系变得越来越糟糕。他们俩很难看到对方的一张笑脸，甚至不能坐下来好好谈谈，因为只要一坐下来，气氛就好像会立刻凝固起来。他们之间的冷漠气氛一直持续了5年，最后以他们的离婚而告终。 看起来不可思议，是吗？他们完全能够解决这个问题的，何至于搞得婚姻破裂？玛丽本来可以建议把家庭开支缩减，这样就可以免去奥古斯丁一些工作上的压力，从而使他有更多的时间待在家里，但是她却没有这么做。 任何问题都是有解决方法的，问题就在于你是否想要积极地去解决。每个人都有营造快乐的本能，如果你没有认识到这一点，那么你们的婚姻就迟早走到这一步。虽然婚姻出现问题的原因并不那么简单，但是气氛是一个重要的因素。那样压抑的气氛使两个人都难以启齿，也是这样的气氛使得两个人都无法忍受，所以他们的婚姻最终以失败而告终。 家庭中的气氛确实不容小觑。因此，尽量不要做那些会让气氛变得糟糕的事情。当你发现气氛不那么融洽的时候，你不妨先平静下来，想一想对方是否有对的地方，或者换一种方法去说服她，千万不要让对方认为你好像跟她有不可调和的矛盾似的，这样会让她更加坚持自己的观点，而不是让步。 那么，为了我们的家庭幸福生活做些什么吧！让气氛好起来。我的一个朋友非常善于处理这样的问题。 一次，他和妻子为究竟是买吉普车还是小型货车而发生了分歧：他认为，买吉普车的话，周末度假将会变得更加容易，但是妻子却认为小型货车更加实惠。正当他们好像要破坏一直以来的和谐气氛的时候，他伸出了他的舌头，模仿起了他们才5岁的儿子。妻子看到这种情景，不禁哑然失笑。紧张的气氛于是缓解了下来。接着，他心平气和地跟妻子解释为什么吉普车更加适合他们，而妻子最终也同意了他的意见。 除了以制造幽默的方法来缓和这种紧张的家庭气氛外，还有另外一种很好的办法——紧急叫停。当你发现事情已经朝着自己不可控制的方向发展的时候，应该及时地停止你们的争论。不要让你们不愉快的谈话继续下去，它会像恶魔般伤害你们之间的感情。 如果你们的确已经把气氛弄得很糟糕了，那么想办法进行挽救。你可以采用各种各样的方式，关键是你要想尽办法去做。 我和我的妻子之间经常会产生摩擦，但是我们绝不让这种不愉快的气氛超过两个小时。在这种情况下，我通常会对我的妻子说：“请原谅，我刚才做的实在是太愚蠢了，我的压力可能太大了。让我们和好如初吧！”然后给她一个热情的吻；而她也会说：“都是我不好，就让我们忘了它吧！”这样，我们的气氛就会再度好起来。 在所有家庭中，最常见的也是很愚蠢的一个做法是，大家都执行“冷战政策”。是的，这是非常愚蠢的做法，我不知道这种做法除了伤害对方、加速婚姻走向失败以外还有什么积极的意义。要知道，这个时候的家庭气氛是尴尬的。表面上，他们似乎想让时间来医治创伤，其实，这只是他们懒惰和不负责任的表现。你不可能依靠时间或其他类似的方式来维持、修复和增进感情，除了你们主动做点什么。
关于婚姻不幸的原因，美国第一权威专家迪克斯说：“在所有婚姻中，有50％以上是不幸福的；许多充满浪漫色彩的梦想之所以破灭，其原因之一，就是那些毫无用处的却令人心碎的批评。” 在这一方面，有两个人的做法值得我们学习。在国家公务生活中，迪斯雷利最强有力的对手是格莱斯顿。他们两个人对于大英帝国每一件事情都有可能出现争辩，发生激烈的冲突，但是，他们有一个共同点，就是他们的私人生活都充满了幸福和快乐。 格莱斯顿和他的妻子共同生活了59年，差不多有60年时间，而且他们一直都互敬互爱。我喜欢想象这位英国历史上最值得尊敬的首相：格莱斯顿握着他妻子的手，围绕火炉边的地毯跳舞、唱歌。 格莱斯顿在公开场合中是一位可敬畏的人物，但他在家里却永远都不批评别人。例如，当他到楼下吃早饭，而全家人却还在睡懒觉时，他就会以温和的方式来表达他的不满。他会提高声音，唱一首不知道名字的歌曲，使整个房屋都充满了神秘的歌声，以此来提醒他的家人：全英国最忙的人，独自一人在楼下等着吃早餐。他总是保持外交家的风度，能够体谅别人，并竭力自我克制，不在家里批评任何人和事。 俄国女皇叶卡特琳娜二世也经常如此。叶卡特琳娜曾统治着历史上最大的帝国之一，掌握了千百万臣子百姓的生杀大权。就政治而言，她是一个暴君，她发动过毫无意义的战争，对她的仇敌判处死刑，但是，如果她的厨师把肉给烤焦了，她却什么也不说，而是微笑着吃下去。她这种宽容大度的做法，对一般的丈夫来说，都值得好好学习。 在家庭中存在着很多错误的行为，就正如许多父母动不动就批评他们的孩子一样。对此，你一定以为我会说“不要批评”，但我并不想这么说，而是说“在你批评孩子之前，请先读一读《不体贴的父亲》这篇美国典型的新闻教育文章”。这篇文章最初发表在《家庭纪事》的社论栏里，经过作者同意，我按照《读者文摘》的删节版，将这篇文章放在下面。 我的儿子，你听到了吗，我想在你熟睡的时候说几句。 你躺在床上，小手按在脸颊上，湿湿的金黄色卷发粘在你那出了些许汗水的额头上。我刚才一个人悄悄地走进你的房间。当我几分钟以前在书房读报时，我突然感到十分懊悔，难以呼吸。我是怀着愧疚之心来到你床边的。 我的儿子，我想到了许许多多的事情：我对你的态度确实太凶了。在你穿衣服上学的时候我会呵斥你，因为你只是用毛巾随便擦了把脸；在你没有擦干净鞋子的时候我也会对你大发雷霆；当你把东西丢在地板上时，我又会冲着你大喊大叫。 在吃早餐时，我又发现了你的毛病：你把食物溅在了桌上，吃饭时没有一点修养，还把肘放在桌子上，甚至在面包上涂了厚厚的一层黄油。 当你出门去玩，而我要去赶火车的时候，你转身朝我挥挥手，响亮地说：“爸爸再见！”可是我却皱着眉头告诉你：“挺起胸膛！” 晚上，一切又重新开始。我在路上就看见你跪在地上打弹珠，你的长筒袜子磨出了好几个洞，我当着你的伙伴押你回家，让你感到了羞辱。我还对你说：“袜子是要花钱买的，如果你自己掏钱，我想你会在意了。”唉，我这当父亲的居然对你说出这种话来！ Do you remember?没过多久，当我在书房读报时，你小心地走进来，怯怯地看着我，眼睛里带着委屈的样子。我从报纸的上面看到了你，对你来打搅我感到十分不悦。只见你站在门口，有些犹豫。 “你想干什么？”我冷冷地说。 你什么也没说，只是突然朝我跑过来，以上帝也为之感动的爱，搂住我的脖子亲吻着我，然后又用小手紧紧地抱了我一下。之后你离开了，快步走向楼梯上楼了。 在你离开不久，我的儿子，我的报纸从手中滑落在地，一阵令人难受的强烈愧疚涌上了我的心头。我真是受习惯之害匪浅——吹毛求疵，并且动不动就斥责，这就是我对你这个小男孩的报偿！我不是不爱你，我的儿子，这是我对你的期望太高了，并以我自己的年龄标准来要求你。 然而，在你的天性中却充满着真、善、美。你那颗幼小的心灵就好像包含并照亮了群山的清晨的阳光——你跑进来亲吻我，向我道晚安的内在，生动地表明了这一切，其他都不重要了！我的儿子，我在黑暗中来到你的床边，内心充满愧疚地跪在这里。 我这不过是一种没有什么作用的忏悔。我知道，当我在你醒来的时候告诉你这些时，你也不会明白。但是我要从明天开始做一个真正的父亲。我要成为你的好伙伴，在你痛苦时我帮你分担，在你欢笑时我和你共同分享。我不会再说那些不耐烦的话，我会不停地、庄重地说：“他只是个孩子——一个小男孩！” 我想我以前是将你当大人来对待的，但是，我的儿子，当我现在看到你蜷缩着睡在你的小床上时，你仍然是个婴儿。你在母亲的怀里，头靠在她肩上，那些情景犹如发生在昨天。我以前对你太苛刻了！ 我们都不要批评责备别人，而要尝试着去了解他们，尤其对于我们的家人来说更是如此。我们要试着明白他们为什么会那样做，这比批评有益处，也更有意义得多。正如詹森博士所说的那样：“先生，不到世界末日，上帝都不会审判世人。”
爱情是一种情感，是男女双方基于共同爱好、共同理想，在各自内心形成的互相依赖、互相倾慕的感情。我们要想让自己的爱情更持久、更强烈，就要和恋人建立共同的爱好。这样，会越处越亲密。 在我授课的过程中，一位名叫汉娜的女士向我诉说了她心中的苦恼。she says: “卡耐基先生，我在两年前认识了一位非常优秀的男士，在相识之初，我感觉和他在一起幸福极了，恨不得每时每刻与他都不分离。那个时候，我们有聊不完的话题，也有很多有趣的事情可以做。但是过了两个月之后，我发现我们在一起的时候没有以前快乐了，而且我们之间因为没有共同的语言，交流也变得很少了。最后，我们只好分开了。” 各位女士，听了汉娜女士的遭遇，你们有什么样的想法呢？我的想法是这样的：这位汉娜女士和她的恋人共同爱好太少了，因为两个人的兴趣点不同，所以没有共同语言。我把我的想法告诉了她，她接受我的建议之后，果然解决了心中的烦恼。 但是，在生活中很多恋人都忘了这一点。他们总在发展自己的爱好，却忽略了对方的兴趣。结果他们就像两条平行线，等时间一长，便没有了交集。两个人的沟通越来越少，到最后只能选择分手，结束这段爱情。 各位女士，你们和恋人交往的时候，一定要建立共同的兴趣和爱好。这样，你们的关系才会更亲近，你们之间的感情才会更深刻。在这方面，茱莉亚小姐就做得非常好。 茱莉亚小姐中学毕业之后就跟着父亲学着做生意。一次偶然的机会，她认识了一名工程师，两个人很快就坠入了爱河。这名工程师对茱莉亚小姐非常欣赏，但是我们可以想象，两个人的教育背景不同，在兴趣爱好方面肯定也有着很大的不同。两个人在接触一段时间之后，话题越来越少了，而且就是在一起的时候也觉得索然无味，完全体验不到爱情带来的快乐和美好。 渐渐地，茱莉亚小姐有了一种预感，她觉得自己和这位工程师迟早要分手，只是时间问题。有好几次，她都要把“分手”两个字说出来，省得心里面总是在担心这件事。但是茱莉亚小姐真的非常喜欢这位工程师，而且对方确实是一位出色的男士，和他分手，茱莉亚小姐又有些舍不得。 有一天，这位工程师约请茱莉亚小姐去看曲棍球比赛。茱莉亚小姐对于曲棍球一点也不懂，也从来没有参加过这样的活动，但是在对方的邀请之下，她还是去看了。看完之后，她感觉还算不错，便和自己的恋人谈论起来。她惊奇地发现，自己那位沉默寡言的恋人竟然滔滔不绝地说起来，而且非常兴奋。那一天，他们两个人过得非常愉快。 从那以后，茱莉亚小姐经常陪这位工程师去看曲棍球比赛。渐渐地，她对曲棍球也有了兴趣，两个人的话题也多了起来。 茱莉亚小姐发现了这样一个秘密：爱人间的关系要想变得亲密，就要有共同的兴趣和爱好。于是，她尽自己的最大努力去迎合对方，并且把自己的一些兴趣爱好也介绍给对方。慢慢地，两个人的话题越来越多，不仅关系更加亲密了，而且生活得非常快乐。 由此不难看出，共同的理想、共同的兴趣爱好是爱情的基础，即使我们很爱一个人，但若没有共同的理想以及爱好，这样的爱情肯定不会长久的。所以，我们要和自己的恋人建立共同的兴趣爱好，这样，才能让两个人的爱情更恒久、更深刻。