Chapter 76 real mature love

Most of us understand love in a narrow, wishful thinking and never out of the context of family or sexual relationships, while the emotion is mixed with possessiveness, egotism, appeasement, dependence, etc. Love is one of the most talked about subjects in the world, and one of the hardest to figure out.It inspires artists and is the foundation of a happy marriage and a happy family—loss or lack of love can fragment or affect the normal development of a personality. Most of us have a narrow, wishful thinking about love, never divorced from the perspective of family or sexual relationship, and this emotion is mixed with possessiveness, ego, appeasement, dependence, etc.

Only recently has love been characterized as a serious scientific subject.Now, the situation has changed.Many psychologists, doctors, and scientists began to devote a lot of energy to thinking and studying the problem of "love" as a basic human need and as a source of unexplored power to affect human affairs.In light of this discovery, we will have to revise and expand some of our traditional ideas about love. What is the relationship between love and maturity?Dr. Rollo May replied in this way.In his recent book "Man's Self-Seeking", he said: "The ability to give and receive mature love is the standard to measure whether a person has a complete personality."

Dr. May also concluded that most people fall short of this standard, and that the average person's understanding of love is ambiguous and naive. For example, if a woman devotes her whole life to her husband and children, so that she is completely cut off from everything in the world, her possessiveness is stronger than her love.The true meaning of love is not a limitation, but an extension.A man who adores women so much that he can't find any other women to compare him to is not a specimen of a "loving" man - he is a typical example of restricted emotional development and forcing himself to stay in a babyhood and maintain a dependent mentality .Attachment is not love.

Perhaps it is easier to understand what is not love first, and then to understand the kind of maturity that makes the personality perfect. First of all, love is not the same thing as a movie date scene, a rose-and-champagne romance, or a writer’s passion for sexual exploitation.Love is not just for the young and beautiful. Dr. Abraham Stone, a urologist and president of the American Association of Marriage Counselors, guided us: What we call "I love" mostly means "I want", "I long to have", "I get satisfaction from... ”, “I take advantage of”, and even “I am deeply guilty”.Scientists call this "false love."

Many parents use "love" as an excuse to indulge their children.In fact, they are just spoiling, which is not conducive to the growth of children.The Children's Village in Dubspoke, New York, has been working to retrain troubled children who need guidance."Every day we address instances where parents do harm by confusing 'love' with 'appeasement,'" said Harold P. Stallone, the agency's director. The concept of mature love is the concept of "love your neighbor as yourself" as Jesus said, and it is also Plato's interpretation of love in "Dialogues"-starting from the relationship with one person and extending to all mankind and the entire universe .Whether it is between a husband and wife, between a parent and a child, or between an individual and all mankind, the element of love remains the same.

True love among human beings does not hinder human growth, it affirms other aspects of human personality and promotes its growth and development. I know a lot of parents who are constantly resentful about their daughter's marriage because the daughter is trying to marry somewhere far away.I remember a mother who lamented: "Why can't Jane find a local boy to marry? We can see her often. We fought for her all my life, but she rewarded us by marrying a man who took her thousands of miles away. People who go to other places!" She'll be surprised if you say she's not loving her daughter.She was confusing possession and self-gratification with love.

The true meaning of love is not to cling to the person you love, but to let him go.A mature man takes no one's affections. He sets the one he loves free as he sets himself free.It is like any other creative force, love exists in freedom. Author Priscilla Robertson defined love in The Harper magazine: "Love is giving the person you love what they need, for him and not for yourself. Think about how others take what you have How you feel when something you need is given to you. Love involves giving children the independence they need, not the exploitation and tyranny of so-called 'paternalism'. Love involves relationships, but not the frenzied pursuit of ego or youth My definition also includes the few people you give to who ever taught you who you are and what you can become - teachers and friends. It also includes kindness - to all human beings It is not to throw a stone at a man who needs bread, nor to give him bread when he needs understanding.

"We know a lot of 'good' people who are always smart enough to force us what we don't want and foolishly withhold what we do need. I don't think these people should be classified as caring people, and I think psychologists also come to the conclusion that their useless love inadvertently creates hostility." Nothing can mislead a person more than the old adage that "love is blind."Only by opening the eyes of love can we see the people around us clearly.There is a casual or cold self inside of us, a sensitive, closed self that we prefer to hide for fear of incurring harm or misunderstanding.We protect it with various gestures or pretense—silent, shy, aggressive, strong, etc., all while hoping that someone will help us discover our true inner self.Love can penetrate the heart, has a special insight, and it can provide the answer to the eternal question "what does she love him?"

Caring for the growth and development of our loved ones, affirming and encouraging their individual existence, respecting their original posture, and creating an atmosphere of freedom and warmth are all the attitudes we should hold if we want to learn to love.Love provides the soil, environment and nourishment for others to grow in love. Jealousy is an emotion that is often confused with love.In fact, it is the result of our lack of ability to arouse our own love, the desire to possess and dominate others.Replacing this desire with giving overcomes jealousy. Let's look at an example of a woman who overcame her jealousy and learned to love others.She said: "Ten years ago, I was deeply jealous. I was afraid of losing my husband. He didn't give me any reason to be jealous. , I have less of those fears and the humiliation I imagined for myself out of neuroticism. Like all ridiculous wives, I search my husband's pockets and check the contents of his car ashtray. I often cry all night and all night, during the day Some new doubts arose.

"One day, looking in the mirror, I saw a nasty person—that was me. The hair was disheveled, the face was haggard, and the clothes looked more like a big bag on a broom handle!' Helen,' I asked myself,' You are afraid that your husband will leave you. But can you blame him? What should you do?' I was determined to make a plan to change myself. I started to spend less time doing housework and more attention to my appearance. I took proper rest every day to increase proper got a job selling cosmetics. When my appearance started to change, I started to feel better and my attitude gradually changed. My husband also saw the changes and acted accordingly. The reaction dispelled my suspicions. In this way I used the energy that was wasted on jealousy to make myself the wife my husband wanted to see."

This woman learns that love is not forced, but needs affirmation, so she acquires the ability to love. When the heterogeneous factors of possessiveness, jealousy, and domination occupy our hearts, our true love for others will gradually disappear.The most beautiful garden in the world would be laid waste if the weeds were allowed to overgrow and not be cleared away. One of the tragedies of family relationships is that we often inadvertently inflict harm on others in the name of love.Demanding parents tell us they do it "for the child's good," while loving parents say they are doing it for the child's "happiness." Mrs. S. F. Allen of Columbus, Ohio, tells a moving story of this experience.After divorcing her husband a few years ago, Mrs. Allen was overwhelmed by the responsibilities of caring for herself and her two children.She believes that raising a good child requires strict discipline. "I set the rules," Mrs. Allen said, "and I don't listen to their excuses. I never consult with my children and listen to their opinions, and I set rules for when they should do what. They don't have a chance to think for themselves, they only have a set." Rules that have to be followed. "There was a subtle change in our family. The kids always wanted to avoid me. They avoided any show of love from me. I knew they were afraid of me, the mother! "I reflected on myself and came to the conclusion that the starting point of what I did was not for the children at all, but that I vented the repressed emotions caused by the divorce on them. I let the children bear my personal fault invisibly. The suffering caused. No wonder they reacted visibly, even though they did not understand it. “I started breaking down this invisible pressure that was weighing on them. I turned to God and tried to discover my children in a new light, seeing them first as people and not as burdens or responsibilities. I dropped some chores and took more time Being with the kids, playing games with them or going to some interesting places. I learned to guide them instead of just giving orders. "When my mood relaxed, laughter and singing came back to us. Love, warmth and joy were reflected in me and the children, and our relationship was restored and strengthened. With this atmosphere, all problems It all became simple and easy to solve.” Mrs. Allen had learned to love, and she had learned to use love to heal the wounds of family life. The ability to love not only determines how close we are to our family members, but also determines our relationships with others.Our attitudes toward our friends, our jobs, our homes, and the world are largely determined by the kind of love we give and receive toward our families. Psychologist Milton Greenblatt said: "If a child can receive an education of love, then he knows how to love himself and his family, until he truly loves all people with the heart of an altruist." Dr. Yahilai Mendes pointed out in his book "The Direction of Human Development" that almost all religions believe that life and love are actually the same concept.He concluded: "It now seems evident that the chief principle on which human beings can rely to guide their future direction is love." The notion of reserving love only for family and close friends is wrong.The more we love others, the easier it is to acquire the ability to love.Love pervades the entire personality, and love is the great energy that radiates radiance in all activities.A caring person is always passionate about work, fellow man and life.They are healthy and live a long life. It is very important for each of us to have a mature concept of love.Every year in the United States, 400,000 couples divorce, and thousands more are in jeopardy.As far as the world is concerned, there have always been phenomena of national division, racial confrontation, national confrontation and war.If human beings want to continue to exist, they must learn to live in harmony.