Chapter 20 Chapter 9-1

I was eager to live in the hermitage, and I couldn't wait for the bright spring to come. As soon as the house was packed, I moved in quickly.This aroused the laughter of Holbach's group, who publicly predicted that if I could not keep my loneliness for three months, I would return to Paris in shame and live like them.As for me, I have been like a fish out of water for fifteen years, and now I seem to be returning to my old abyss, and I don't pay any attention to their jokes.Since my involuntary plunge into society, I have not for a single moment forgotten my dear Chalmette and the sweet life I had spent there.I felt that I was born for retirement and the country, and could not possibly be happy elsewhere.In Venice, in the midst of official business, in the high positions of diplomatic envoys, in the pride of promotion; In splendor, in the phantom smoke of vanity; the remembrance of woods, streams, and quiet walks often distracts me, stirs me up in melancholy, arouses my sighs and longings.All the work I could force myself to do, all the ambitious projects that have roused me for a while, had no other purpose than to live this happy country someday. A happy life, and this kind of life, I am now deeply grateful that I am about to get it.I had thought that this kind of life could be achieved only by considerable prosperity, and it is true that I am not rich now, but I feel that, in my special position, without being rich, I can probably achieve the same goal by the exact opposite way.I don't have an annuity of a sou; but I have a reputation, and a talent; I am austere, and have forsaken those expenses which are necessary to keep myself from being reproached.Besides, though I am lazy, I am industrious when I want to; and my idleness is not that of an idler, but that of an independent man who is only active when he loves to work. work.My job of copying music scores is neither famous nor profitable, but it is reliable.The society is very satisfied that I have the courage to choose this career.I don't have work to worry about, and it's enough to keep me going if I work hard. I still have two thousand francs left over from The Village Divinator and my other works, and with this savings I shall not be poor.Besides, I was working on several works, which, hopefully, without the exorbitant demands of booksellers, would supplement my income enough to enable me to work at my ease without being overworked, and even to have time for walks.My small family consists of three people, each of whom has something to do, and it doesn't cost much to maintain a living.In short, my income is proportionate to my wants and desires, and makes it possible for me to live a happy and lasting life in such a way as my inclinations choose.

I could very well go down the path of making money, and let my pen not be used for copying music, but for writing.With the kind of skyrocketing momentum that I had at the time and felt that I had the strength to maintain it.My writing can make me rich, even luxurious, if I am only a little willing to combine my skill as a writer with the effort of producing a good book.But I feel that writing for bread will soon stifle and destroy my genius.My talent is not in my pen, but in my heart, it is completely produced by a supernatural and heroic way of thinking, and only this way of thinking can make my talent thrive.Nothing strong, nothing great, comes from the pen of a mercenary.Need and greed may make me write faster, but not better.The desire to be successful, even if it did not send me into a gangster, would make me say as little truthful as possible and more grandiose, so that instead of being the great writer I might have been, I could only He is a wordsmith who smears everything.No, absolutely not.I have always felt that the position of a writer can only be maintained, honored and respected when it is not a profession.It is difficult for a man to think noble when he only thinks for a living.In order to be able and dare to speak great truths, one must not give in to the pursuit of success.I put my book before the public, convinced that I have spoken in the public interest, and that nothing else matters.If my work gets dumped because people don't want to learn from it, then they deserve it.In my case, I don't need their approval to live.If my books don't sell, my profession will support me; and only if they do, my books will.

On April 9th, 1756, I left the city, and I have not lived in it since; afterwards, whether in Paris, in London, or in other cities, I made several short stays. , are passing by, or are a last resort, I don't count it as living.Madam d'Epinay came to fetch the three of us in her own car, and her tenants came to carry my simple luggage, and I took up residence that day.I found my little retreat furnished and furnished simply, but cleanly, even tastefully.The hand that had labored over it gave it an inestimable value in my eyes.I find it a great pleasure to be a guest at my girlfriend's house, to live in a house of my own choice which she has built especially for me.

Although it is still cold and there is even some remaining snow, the earth has begun to sprout; violets and winter jasmines have bloomed, and the buds of the trees have begun to bud.On the night when I arrived, I was almost arguing in front of my window, thinking that as long as the economy develops, a new society and capital will naturally emerge, and I heard Yejia singing in a forest adjacent to the house.I woke up after a short sleep.Forgot to move, thought it was on Grenell Road.Suddenly a song of warbler touched my heartstrings, and I exclaimed in ecstasy: "All my wishes have finally come true!" My first concern was how I felt about the surrounding countryside.Instead of arranging my room, I'll go for a walk first.Around my house there was not a single path, not a grove, not a bush, not a solitary place, which I hadn't covered the next day.The more I looked at this bewitching retreat, the more it seemed to me that it was made for me.This place is secluded and not wild, which makes me feel like I am in a world.It has that kind of beauty that is hard to find near the city; when you are suddenly in it, you cannot believe that you are only four miles away from Paris.

After a few days of indulging in the rural scenery, it occurred to me that I should sort out the manuscript and arrange the work.As always, I made it a rule to copy music scores in the morning and take my little white paper and pencil for a walk in the afternoon.I have never been able to write and think freely only in subdio (in the open air), so I don't want to change this method. I plan to use the Montmorency forest almost at my door as my study from now on.I have already started several works, and now I have picked them up and reviewed them.My writing project has been quite spectacular; but amidst the bustle of the city, progress has been slow.I had intended to wait until the disturbance had lessened a little, and to do it a little faster.I think it can now be said that the long-cherished wish has finally come true.A man who is often ill like me, who often visits Chevrette, Epinay, Aubernais, Montmorency, and is often pegged at home by many idle people who have nothing to do, and it is always the same. If people counted and measured what I wrote during the six years I spent at the Hermitage and Montmorency, I believe they would find that if I Time wasted in a period of life, at least not wasted in doing nothing.

Among the works that I have already begun to write, I have been thinking about it for a long time, I am most interested in it, and I want to devote my life to it, and, in my subjective opinion, the one that will make me the most famous in the future is My Theory of Political Institutions.It was thirteen or fourteen years ago that I first thought of writing such a book.I was then in Venice, and had an opportunity of seeing how much was wrong with this government, so boasted of.Since then, my horizons have widened considerably through my study of the history of ethics.Everything, I found, is fundamentally connected to politics; no matter what you do, the people of any country are only as good as the nature of their government makes them; The great question, it seems to me, is only this one: What nature of government produces the most virtuous, enlightened, wisest, and in short the best people? —The word "best" is here used in its widest sense.Again, I see that this question is again very close to (even though the two questions are not the same): Which government is closest in character to law?From this arises: what is the law?and a host of equally important questions.I see that all this is leading me to great truths, which are conducive to the happiness of all mankind, and especially to the happiness of my country--during my latest travels, I was in my country I haven't found a concept of law and freedom that is correct enough and clear enough in my opinion.I had thought that to present these ideas in this indirect way to my fellow-citizens would best serve their self-respect and make them forgive me for seeing a little further than they did in this matter.

Although I have been writing this work for five or six years, I still haven't written much.To write a book of this kind requires contemplation, leisure and quiet.Moreover, I wrote this book quietly.I would not tell anyone of this plan, not even Diderot.I am afraid of the basic content, abandon the world affairs, and focus on metaphysics.It was prosperous when the king of the Western Jin Dynasty was the leader.Dong, this plan seems too bold for the age and country in which I write, and the panic of my friends will hinder the execution of my plan.I don't yet know if it will be finished in time for publication before I die.I hope to be free to develop all that my subject requires; and I am convinced that, having neither a sarcastic temper nor an inclination to attack, I should be, in all fairness, blameless.Of course, I wish to make full use of the right of thought, which is my birthright, but at the same time I have always respected the government under which I must live, and will never violate its laws; Not to violate international law, on the other hand, I am not willing to give up the interests granted to me by international law because of fear.

I will even admit that, living as a foreigner in France, I find my situation to be very conducive to speaking the truth; for I know very well that, as long as I continue my original intention, I will not publish in France any unauthorized I am, then, responsible to no one in France, whatever my opinions may be, whatever my work may be published elsewhere.Even in Geneva I have no such liberty, because there, no matter where my book is printed, the authorities have the right to criticize its content.This consideration greatly prompted me to accept Madame d'Epinay's invitation and to abandon my plan to settle in Geneva.I feel, as I said in Émile, that unless you are a schemer, if you want to write a book in the real interest of your country, you should not write in its bosom.

What made my situation even more favorable to me was the confidence that the French Government, perhaps not valuing me very much, would at least take it as an honor, if not to protect me, at least by not interfering with me. I see it as my own glory.It seems to me that it is a very simple but very ingenious political trick to tolerate what cannot be prevented, and to take this tolerance as a kind of merit.You know, all the French government has the right to do is to deport me; if I can be deported, and my books can still be written, perhaps with less restraint, then let me be quiet written in France, leaving the author in France as a guarantee for the work.Moreover, in doing so, the French government showed an enlightened respect for international law, thereby sweeping away the deep-rooted prejudices against it throughout Europe.

Some people, judging from the development of the situation in the future, think that I have been fooled by this kind of trust. In fact, such people may still be wrong.My book was used as an excuse in the storm that later engulfed me, but it was I who was really hated.They rarely take the author of the book to heart.They think that the limited consciousness of the individual is the reproduction of the "universal mind", and that the only thing they want to destroy is me, Jean-Jacques.The greatest crime one finds in my work is the honor my work has brought me.Let's not jump into the future with one step.Until now, this mystery is still a mystery to me, and I don't know whether it will be revealed in the eyes of readers in the future.All I know is this: If I should have deserved the treatment I have received, I would have been a victim of the principles which I have published, because, in all my writings, they have been expressed The boldest—if not the most daring—of the books, it had its effect even before I retired to the Hermitage.But though it was not that no one ever tried to provoke me into a quarrel, no one at all thought of preventing the publication of that work in France, where it was sold as openly as in Holland.Since then, The New Heloise has been published with equal success, and, I dare say, with equal popularity.And it is almost unbelievable that this Héloise's dying confession was exactly the same as that of the Archdeacon of Savoy.All the bold statements in "On Inequality" have been in "On Inequality"; all the bold statements in "Emile" have been in "Julie".Since these bold statements did not inspire any gossip for the first two works, it is certainly not these bold statements that have caused gossip for the latter two works.

Another work, of a more or less similar nature, but planned later, which concerns me most at the moment, is the excerpts from the writings of Father Saint-Pierre.I haven't talked about this book until now because of the thread of the narrative.After my return from Geneva, Father Mabley mentioned the matter to me, not directly, but through Madame Dupin, who also had a certain interest in wishing me to accept the opinion.She was one of the three or four beautiful ladies in Paris who had taken the old Abbe de Saint-Pierre as their favourite; and though she did not exclusively have a preference for him, at least she shared it with Madame Vinquillon.After the death of the good old man, the devotion she retained for him was enough to honor them both, so that if she saw that her friend's manuscripts, which were destroyed before she was born, could be restored by her She would be honored to have the secretary revived.These aborted manuscripts were not without many brilliant ideas, but they were too badly expressed.It was tiresome to read; it was strange to say that Father Saint-Pierre treated his readers as children and spoke as adults, paying too little attention to how to make what he said understood.It is precisely because of this that they suggested me to do this job. First, this job itself is beneficial, and second, it is very suitable for a person who is diligent in writing and lazy in writing, and is suitable for a person who suffers from ideas and would rather be What he likes is a person who pays attention to other people's opinions and does not want to create his own ideas.Moreover, since I do not confine myself to the task of interpretation, and no one can prevent me from sometimes thinking, I can also give this work a form in which many important truths are cloaked in the clothes of Father Saint-Pierre. It is better to slip into this work in the cloak of my own than to wear my own cloak.However, this work is not easy. There are twenty-three volumes that require careful reading, deep thinking, and excerpts. Some great and beautiful thought was searched out of it, and this gave me the courage to endure the drudgery.I would have often thought of getting rid of this drudgery, if I could repent without shame; Beyer's request), I have, so to speak, promised to make use of it, so either return the manuscript, or try to make use of it.It was with this latter intention that I brought these manuscripts to the Hermitage, and so this was the first work I intended to devote my spare time to. I am also thinking about a third work, which my observations of myself have brought to my mind; and I have every reason to hope to write a book of real benefit, if my writing is to match my original plans. The more I think about it, the more courageous I feel to undertake the work.We have all noticed that most people in the course of their lives are often not very similar to themselves, as if they become completely different people.I am not writing a book to prove such a remarkable fact; I have the newer and even more important aim of finding the causes of these changes, and paying particular attention to those which are attributed to me, in order to account for our How should these reasons be controlled to make us better and more confident.For, indisputably, it is more painful for a decent man to resist established desires than if he could go back to their origin and prevent, modify or correct them as they arise. Painful.A man who is tempted resists the first time because he is strong, and yields another time because he is weak; if he had been as strong as the first time, he would not have yielded. When I was probing myself and observing others to find out where these different ways of life came from, I found that most of the way of life was determined by preconceived impressions of external things.We are constantly being changed by our senses and organs, and we are unconsciously affected by these changes in our consciousness, feelings, and even behavior.The many, many obvious observations I have collected are not in dispute; I feel that they provide a set of "traces" of meaning discovery that open up infinite possibilities for this article. , as they are in accordance with the principles of natural science, seem likely to furnish an external rule of life, which, modified according to circumstances, is capable of placing or maintaining our minds in the state most favorable to morality.How much would man be able to keep reason from perverting, and prevent the birth of evil, if he knew how to compel the physical organization to assist the spiritual order which it so often disturbs!Climate, seasons, sounds, colours, darkness, light, forces of nature, food, noise, silence, motion, stillness—they all act on our machine, and therefore on our mind; Innumerable, almost infallible ways to control the emotions at our disposal from their origin.This is my basic idea, which I have written out in outline, and which I hope will be effective for people of good disposition, who sincerely love morality and who are wary of their own weakness, and I feel that with this idea It's easy to write an interesting book that readers love to read and authors love to write.I have not, however, devoted much time to this work, entitled "The Ethics of Sensibility, or the Materialism of the Sophisticated."Many disturbances—the reasons for which the reader will soon learn—prevented me from concentrating on writing, and it will be known what the fate of my compendium was, which was surprisingly closely connected with my own. In addition to the above, I have been thinking for some time about a doctrine of education, which Madame Chenonceau asked me to do, because her husband's education of her son made her very worried about her son.Though the question itself was not to my liking, yet the authority of friendship caused me to concern myself with it more than with all others.So, of all the issues I've just addressed, this is the only one I've had success with.The result I expected to achieve when I wrote this topic.It seems that another fate should be brought to the author.But let us not dwell on this sad subject prematurely here; I shall have to deal with it in later chapters of this book. All these plans furnish me with material for meditation during my walks: I think I have said that I can only walk while thinking; My feet move together.However I have also taken precautions and prepared an indoor job for a rainy day.This is my "Music Dictionary".The dictionaries are messy, incomplete, and out of shape, making it almost necessary to rewrite the work.I brought with me several books that I needed for the rewriting; I had spent two months extracting many things from other books.These books were lent to me from the Royal Library, and I was even allowed to bring several of them to the Hermitage.This is what I have in reserve, compiling at home when the weather prevents me from going out, or when I get tired of copying scores.This arrangement suited me so well that I continued to do so at the Hermitage, at Montmorency, and even later at Motiers.I did this at Motiers, along with other jobs, because I've always found a change of job to be a real relief from fatigue. There was a time when I was satisfied with the fairly exact execution of my hours of rest; but when the fair spring brought Madame d'Epinay more frequently to Epinay or Chevrette, I found that something Note "Confucius's Family Sayings·Li Yun": "One who is too one has vitality." At first, I didn't bother me much, and I didn't pay much attention to it, but now it disturbs my plan.I have already said that Madam d'Epinay has some very lovely qualities; she loves her friends very much, and is eager to serve them; and since she spares her time and energy for them, she deserves their attention.Hitherto I performed this duty without feeling a burden; but at last I realized that I was put in a chain, and only friendship kept me from feeling its weight; Many guests and friends entertained, and I increased the weight of this chain.Madam d'Epinay took advantage of this dislike to suggest to me, which seemed to be more convenient for me than it was for her, namely, that whenever she was alone, or nearly alone, she sent Someone to inform me.I agreed, without seeing what obligation I was under.The natural result of this agreement is that from now on, I will not see her when it is convenient for me, but will see her when it is convenient for me, so I will never be sure that there will be a day when I will be free.This restraint greatly spoiled the pleasure which I had hitherto been enjoying in visiting her.I found that the liberty she so repeatedly promised me was only on condition that I never use it; So many notes were written to me, and so much fuss was made about my health, that it became clear to me that the only way to refuse a call was to be too sick to get out of bed.This restraint was obligatory, and so I accepted it, rather willingly, even for the most obsessive person I am, for my sincere attachment to her greatly prevented I feel that bondage that goes hand in hand with the attachment.And she filled, at any rate, the gaps in her leisure time which had been left by the absence of her regular worshipers.To her, this was a meaningless supplement, but she couldn't stand absolute loneliness, which was better than absolute loneliness after all.However, since she wanted to try her hand at literature, since she had made up her mind to write novels, letters, comedies, short stories, and such nonsense at any rate, she had plenty to do, and it was easy to put This loneliness is made up for.But what interests her is not writing these things, but reading what she writes; therefore, whenever she has scribbled two or three pages in succession, she needs to finish this difficult work. There must be at least two or three volunteers to listen to her reading.I have no honor to be included in such a list, unless it is recommended to participate.If I were alone, I would always be regarded as a zero in everything; and this was the case, not only in Mme. d'Epinay's circle, but also in that of M. Holbach. So it was, wherever Mr. Grimm set the tone.This equal to zero situation makes me very comfortable everywhere, but when I am alone with her face to face, I don't know what to do.I dare not talk about literature, because I can't comment on literature, and I dare not talk about style, because I am too shy, and I would rather die than be old and sentimental to make people laugh; and I have never been around Madam d'Epinay. I have never thought of this, even if I spend my whole life by her side, I will not touch this idea once; it's not that I have any disgust for her, on the contrary, I may love her too much as a friend. She, therefore, cannot love her as a lover.I was glad to see her and talk to her.Her conversation, though fascinating in society, was dull when confronted with each other;Often because I have been relatively silent for too long and feel embarrassed, I try to find something to say. This kind of conversation often makes me feel tired, but it doesn't make me bored.I'd love to pay her little attentions, to give her brother kisses, which I don't think seem very sensual to her either.Between us, that's all.She was thin and pale, with breasts as flat as the palm of your hand.This one defect alone has put me off: my mind and my senses have never known to regard a woman without breasts as a woman; Her side forgets that she is female. So I made up my mind to accept it without any resistance.And I found that, at least in the first year, the burden was not as heavy as I expected.Madame d'Epinay, who usually spends almost the whole summer in the country, stayed only a part of it this year; perhaps her own business compelled her to stay longer in Paris, perhaps Grimm's absence from Chevrette, She felt that living in Chevrette was not so interesting.I took advantage of the intervals when she did not come, or the days when there were many guests, to enjoy my seclusion with my Good Therese and her mother, which was particularly valuable.Although I have often been to the country for several years, I have hardly tasted the country flavor.In all my travels, I have always been with some pretentious people.There was always some restraint which spoiled the pleasure of travel, and thus stimulated my taste for the country the more, and the closer I looked at the spectacle of country pleasure, the more I felt the pain of losing it.I loathe the salons, the fountains, the artificial groves, the flower beds, and above all the bastards who boast of them all.I hate all the flower weaving, the piano, the three-person cards, the silk knots, the stupid quotes, the tedious coquettish, the boring little stories and the big dinner parties.So that when I glimpse an ordinary thornbush, a row of hedges, a barn, a meadow, when I walk through a village and smell the aroma of scrambled eggs with herbs, when I listen to When it came to the refrain of the shepherdess song with the country style, I just told them to go to hell with all the rouge, powder Dai, and coral agate.I can't eat homely food, I can't drink local wine, I can't wait to grab the cook and the housekeeper and slap them a few times. They want me to eat lunch when I eat dinner and dinner when I sleep.Especially the gentlemen of the servants, who keep their eyes on my food, and either make me thirsty, or buy me their master's adulterated wine, and make me spend more money than I can buy the best in the tavern. Wine is ten times more expensive. Now I'm at my place, in a nice quiet place, and I'm leading a life of freedom, stability, and peace, which I feel I was born to live.This living situation was new to me.Before explaining the effect it has had on my mind, I should restate my private intentions, so that the reader may better see the progress of these new changes at their source. I have always regarded the day when I was united with my Therese as the day when my spiritual life was fixed.I need love, because the love that could have satisfied me has been cut off so cruelly at last.The longing for happiness is never quenched in a man's heart.Mom is old and depraved!It turns out that she will never be happy again in this life.Since I have no hope of sharing her happiness any longer, I can only pursue my own happiness.I hesitated for a while, turning one idea after another, the activities of the Atheist League where the Class Science Institute worked and fought, pre-war Japan, and one plan after another.My trip to Venice would have put me in business, if the man I was dealing with had had some common sense.I am one who is easily discouraged, especially in difficult, long-term endeavors.The failure of my career made me disinterested in any career; according to my previous creed, I always regarded distant goals as illusions, so I decided to dawdle, live from day to day, and never lose my life in life. I don't see anything tempting me to push myself. It was at this time that we got to know each other.The gentle character of this good woman seemed too suited to my character in my eyes.This attachment I had for her stood the test of time and all tortures, and everything that seemed to break it only intensified it.She broke my heart when I was at my worst, and I haven't complained to anyone until this writing.Later when I reveal the scars and wounds she left on my heart, people will see how strongly I am attached to her. In order not to be separated from her, I made every effort, risked all risks, despite the torture of fate and the opposition of everyone, and after spending twenty-five years with her, I finally married her formally in my old age.For her, there is neither such expectation nor request, and for me, there is neither an agreement nor a promise.When people know what happened to me, they must think that there is a mad love that has dazzled me from the first day, and then only gradually developed, leading me to this last absurd behavior; People must have thought I was madly in love when there were so many special and powerful reasons that should have prevented me from marrying her for the rest of my life.Well, if I now say to the reader in all sincerity—and the reader should now see this clearly—I have never had a spark of love for her from the first time I saw her until today, I have not possessed Her desire is just like not wanting to possess Mrs. Warren in the past. The physical satisfaction I get from her is purely a sexual need, not the integration of the whole body and mind. How do you feel about this?The reader must imagine that my constitution is different from that of others, and that since neither of my attachments to the two women dearest to me contained any element of love, I could not experience love at all.Wait, O my reader!The most unfortunate time will come when you will find that what you thought was dead wrong. I am repeating what I have already said, I know that; but I must repeat.My first need, the greatest, strongest, and most inextinguishable, is entirely within me; this need is an intimate union, an intimate union possible;不能认为人类是生产力机构的没有意志的玩偶，相，所以我才需要一个女人而不是需要一个男人，需要一个女友而不是需要一个男友。这种离奇的需要是这样的：肉体上最紧密的结合还不够，我恨不得把两个灵魂放在同一个身子里，否则我就老是感到空虚。我那时自以为到了不再感到空虚的时候了。那个年青女人有无数绝佳的品质，使人觉得可爱，甚至那时长得也很可爱，没有一丝造作，没有一丝妖艳。如果我能象我所曾希望的那样，把她的生活也融化于我的生活的话，我原是可以把我的生活融化于她的生活的。在男人方面，我是一点也没有可疑惧的，我确信我是她真正爱的唯一男人，她那淡薄的肉欲也不曾要求她去另找别的男人，即使后来我在这方面对她已经不能算是一个男人的时候。我没有家庭；她却有个家庭，而这个家庭，每个人的生性都与她的生性太不相同了，使我无法把它变成我的家庭。这就是我不幸的第一个原因。我是多么想把我自己变成她母亲的孩子啊！我尽了一切努力想做到这一点，而我竟不能做到。我徒然想把我们的一切利益都联合在一起，而这竟不可能。那个母亲总是自己另谋一套利益，与我的利益不但不同，而且抵触，甚至与她女儿的利益也抵触，因为她女儿的利益已经跟我的不能分开了。她和她的其他子女以及孙男女个个都成了吸血虫，偷戴莱丝的东西已经算是他们给她造成的最小的损害了。那可怜的女孩子屈服惯了，就是在侄女面前也是顺从，所以就让人家偷，听人家摆布，一声也不响。我看到我花尽了钱，提尽了劝告，都不能使她得到一点好处，真是叫我痛心。我想叫她脱离她的母亲，她总是不肯。我尊重她这种抗拒，并且因此而更瞧得起她；但是她的拒绝，到头来还是叫自己吃苦，也叫我吃苦。由于她完全忠诚于她的母亲和她的家人，她的心就向着他们，甚于向着我，甚于向着她自己；他们的贪婪虽使她破产，但远抵不上他们的指点给她带来的损害。总之，如果因为她爱我，如果因为她天性好，她还没有完全受制于他们，却至少已经受到他们足够的影响，使我努力给她的金玉良言大部分不能产生效果了；因而我无论怎样努力，我们始终还是不能合为一体的两个人。 在诚挚的、相互的依恋之中，我已经投进了我心灵的全部缱绻之情，而这颗心灵中的空虚却从来没有好好地填充起来。孩子们出世了，这空虚原可以拿孩子来填充的；而事实上却更糟。我一想到要把孩子们托付给这样一个没有教育的家庭，结果会教得更坏，心里便发抖。育婴堂的教育，危险性要小得多。使我作出那种决定的这个理由，比我在写给弗兰格耶夫人的那封信里所陈述的种种理由都更强有力些，然而，唯独这个理由我没有敢对她说。我宁愿对这样严厉的谴责自己少洗刷一点，以便顾全一个我所爱的人的家庭。但是，人们根据她那无赖哥哥的行为，就可以判断我应不应该——不管人家怎样说——睁着眼睛让我的孩子去受象他那样的教育了。 我既不能充分尝到我感到需要的那种亲密的结合，我就找些办法来补充，这些补充办法并不能填补空虚，却能减少空虚的感觉。我既找不到一个完全献身于我的朋友，我就必须有些能以其推动力克服我的惰性的朋友：所以，我珍重并加强跟狄德罗和孔狄亚克神父的友谊，我跟格里姆建立了新的友谊，并且是更亲密的新友谊，最后，由于那篇不幸的文章——我已说明其经过了——我又出乎意料地被抛回文坛，当时我本认为自己已经永远脱离了。 我在文坛的发轫之始，就把我从一条新的途径引到了另一个精神世界，这种精神世界的质朴而高尚的和谐，使我不能面对之而不动感情。不久，由于我专心探索这个精神世界1884—1895年恩格斯的著作以及马克思和恩格斯的书信。第，我就觉得在我们哲人的学说里净是谬误和荒唐，在我们的社会秩序里净是压迫和苦难。在我这种愚蠢的骄傲所带给我的幻觉之中，我觉得自己有资格驱散这些眩人的迷雾；我认为，要想叫人家能听从我，就必须言行一致，所以我就采取了那种离奇的行径，这种行径别人既不容许我保持下去，我那些所谓的朋友也不能原谅我树了这样一个榜样。这个榜样最初使我显得滑稽可笑，但如果我能坚持下去，最后必然会为我赢得普遍的敬仰。 在此以前，我一直是善良的；自此以后，我就变成有道德的了，或者，至少是醉心于道德的了。这种醉心，是在我的头脑里开始的，但是它已经进入我的心田。在那里，最高贵的骄傲在被拔除的虚荣心的遗迹上发芽滋长。我一点也不装假，我表面上是怎样一个人，实际上就是怎样一个人。这种激昂慷慨之情，酣畅淋漓地延续了至少达四年之久，在这四年当中，凡是人的心灵所能包容的伟大的、美的东西，我都能在天我交感之中体会到。我那突如其来的辩才就是从这里产生出来的，那种真正自天而降、燃烧我的心灵的烈火也就是从这里散布到我的初期作品里的，而这种神奇之火，在前四十年中一直不曾迸发出些微的火星来，因为它那时还没有点燃。 我真的变了；我的知交、我的相识都不认识我了。我已经不再是那个腼腆、羞涩过于谦逊，既不敢见人，又不敢说话，人家说一句笑话就感到手足无措，女人看一眼就羞得面红耳赤的人了。我又大胆、又豪迈、又勇敢，到处显出一种自信，而这种自信，唯其是质朴的，不但存于我的举止之中，主要还是存于我的灵魂之内，所以就越发坚定。我的冥想深思使我对时代的风俗、箴规和成见油然而生鄙视之心，这种鄙视之心又使我对那班具有这些风俗、箴规和成见的人们对我的嘲笑视若无睹；我用我的惊人警句压倒他们的浅薄妙语，就和我用两个指头捻碎虫豸一般。多么大的变化啊！全巴黎都传诵着我的辛辣而锋利的讥刺话，而同样是我这个人，两年以前和十年以后，却怎么也找不出一句恰当的话，找不到一个恰当的字眼。你若是要寻找与我的本性最截然相反的精神状态，我当时的那种状态就是。请大家再回忆一下，我平生常有那种短暂的时刻，这时我变成了另外一个人，完全不是原来我自己了，这样的时刻也是要在我此刻所说的这段时间里出现的；不过这个时刻不是持续了六天、六星期，而是持续了六年，而且也许还会持续下去的——如果不是某些特殊情况来把它中止，把我还给我原想超脱的自然的话。 我一离开巴黎，这个大都市的邪恶景象一停止浇灌它在我身上引起的愤慨的情绪，这种变化就开始了。我不再见到人，我也就不再鄙视人；我不再见到恶人，我也就不再恨恶人。我的心本来就不会怀恨述方法用于原始思维和神话学的研究，企图在找出社会生活，自此就只会悲天悯人，而不再把人类的险恶和人类的苦难分别开来。这种精神状态比较温和，也远远不象以前那么崇高了，它不久就把鼓舞我达数年之久的那种热烈的激昂之情消磨净尽；不但别人没有觉察到，连我自己也几乎没有意识到，我又变成畏葸的、随和的、羞涩的人了；总之，又还是当年的那个让－雅克了。 如果这种剧变只使我恢复原状，并且到此为止，那倒还好；可是不幸得很，它走过头了，很快就把我带到了另一个极端。从此，我的灵魂一经开动，就保持不了它的重心，老是摆来摆去，不再停留下来。这第二次剧变，我必须详细地谈谈，既然我的命运在人间绝无先例，这个时期又是我的命运的险恶的、致命的时期。 我们在隐居生活中既然只有三人，闲暇与寂寞就必然要加强我们之间的亲密关系。戴莱丝和我之间就是如此。我们两人面对面地在树荫下度着极美妙的时刻，我从来也没有那么深切地领略到这种温馨滋味。我觉得她自己也比以前领略得更加深切了。她向我无保留地开诚相见了，并且告诉了我许多事情，都是关于她母亲和她家庭的，以前她竟有那种毅力，长久对我守口如瓶。她母亲和她家的人都曾从杜宾夫人那里受到过许许多多的馈赠。这些都是送给我的，但是那个老滑头，为了不叫我生气，干脆就暗暗收下了，供自己和其他的孩子享用，一点也没有留给戴莱丝，并且还极其严厉地禁止她跟我说起这些事，而那个可怜的女儿居然也就谨遵慈命，恭顺得令人难以置信。 但是，有一件事特别使我吃惊，就是我听说狄德罗和格里姆常和她们母女二人私下谈话，劝她们跟我脱离，只是因为戴莱丝执意不肯命冲动是一种心理意识活动，表现为“绵延性”，它绝对自由，，没有成功。除此而外，我听说他们俩从此又时常和她的母亲密谈，连她自己也没法知道他们三人之间搞了什么鬼。她只知道这里面还穿插了些小礼物，有些小往来，大家都极力对她保密，她也就绝对不晓得那是出于什么动机。当我们离开巴黎的时候，勒·瓦瑟太太很久以来就惯于每月去看格里姆先生两三次了，并且一去就谈上几个钟头，谈得那么秘密，连格里姆的仆役都经常被打发开。 据我判断，这种谈话的动机都不过是原来想叫女儿也参加进去的那个计划，他们答应托埃皮奈夫人替她们搞个食盐零售店或烟草公卖店，总之是对她们进行利诱。他们对她们说，我既无力帮助她们，又因为有了她们而我自己也不能有所发展。由于我只觉到这一切都是出于好意，所以也并不十分怪罪他们，只有那种神秘劲儿叫我受不了，特别是老太婆，而且她在我面前一天比一天更巧言令色，更滑头滑脑；但是这并不妨碍她不断地私下里骂她的女儿，说她太爱我，什么都对我说，说她完全是个傻瓜，不久就要吃亏的。 这个女人掌握了一套一举数得的伎俩：她从这个人手里收到的东西总会瞒住那个人，从所有人手里收到的东西总会瞒住我。她那样贪婪，我倒还能原谅，但是她那样装假，我就不能原谅了。她能有什么要瞒住我的呢？她十分清楚，我是以她女儿和她的幸福为我自己的唯一幸福的。固然，我为她女儿做的事，也就是为我自己做的事，但是我为她做的事也还是值得引起她的若干感激的，她心里至少应该感激她的女儿，并且，她的女儿既爱我，她也就该唯爱女之情来爱我。是我把她从极度贫困中拉了出来，她是从我手里获得了她的生活资料，她那么善于利用的那些熟人，也都是由我而认识的。戴莱丝曾长久用自己的劳动来养活她，现在还是用我的面包来养活她。她的一切都来自这个女儿，而她为这个女儿却什么也没做。她对别的几个孩子，每人都给了一份婚嫁费，并且为他们而倾家荡产，现在他们不但不帮她谋生，还来侵吞她的生活资料和我的生活资料。我觉得在这种情况下，她应该把我看作唯一的朋友，看作她的最可靠的保护人，不但不把关于我自己的事对我保密，不但不在我自己的家里搞阴谋来反对我，并且还该把一切可能与我有关的事，她比我知道得早的事，都忠实地告诉我。我对她那种虚伪而神秘的行为还能拿什么眼光去看待呢？特别是她努力灌输给她女儿的那种感情我应该作何感想呢？她怂恿她女儿对我忘恩负义，可见她自己的忘恩负义该是何等骇人听闻啊！ 所有这些想法最后使我对那个女人心冷了，以至我看到她不能不生嫌恶之情。然而我对待我的伴侣的母亲，恭敬绝未稍减，事事对她表现出近乎为子的礼貌和尊重；不过，我不欢喜跟她长久住下去桑塔雅那（GeorgeSantayana，1863—1952）美国哲学家，，这也是事实，我的脾气是不晓得什么叫受人牵制的。 这里又是我生平的那种短暂的时刻之一，我看到幸福近在目前，却不能抓住幸福，而我之所以不能抓住幸福，并不是由于我的过错。如果那个女人品质好，我们三人都会终身幸福的，只是最后死的一个落得可怜罢了。可是偏偏不是这样。你们看看事态的发展，然后再判断我能不能使她转变。 勒·瓦瑟太太见我已经在她女儿心上占了地盘，而她自己失去了地盘，便努力要把这失去的地盘收回；她可不是由于爱她的女儿而对我回心转意，而是试图使她的女儿完全跟我脱离。她使用的办法之一就是让她家里的人都给她当帮手。我曾经请求戴莱丝不要叫她家里的任何人到退隐庐来，她答应了。她母亲却趁我不在家时找他们来了，事先不征得她的同意，事后又要她答应不对我讲。第一步做到了，其余的一切就容易了；你只要有一件事对你所爱的人保守秘密，你不久就会无所顾忌地把什么事都对他保守秘密。我一到舍弗莱特去，退隐庐就高朋满座，纵情欢乐。一个母亲对于一个天性善良的女儿总归是很有力量的；然而，不管那老太婆使出什么手腕，她始终不能叫戴莱丝同意她的看法，不能拖她跟她们联合起来反对我。至于她自己，她是下定决心，不肯回头了：她看到，一方面是她女儿和我，她在我们家里不过是可以生活下去而已；另一方面呢，是狄德罗、格里姆、霍尔巴赫、埃皮奈夫人，他们许得很多，也给她一点东西，她就估计跟一个总包税人的夫人和一个男爵站在一条战线上，总不会错。如果我的眼睛亮一点，我从那时起就一定会看出我是在自己的怀里喂着一条蛇。但是我那盲目的信任当时还没有一点儿改变，根本想不到一个人会打算害他所应当爱的人。我看到在我周围布置下的那成百上千的阴谋，我只晓得抱怨我所称为朋友的那些人做事太专断，据我看，他们是硬要我依照他们的方式，而不是依照我自己的方式，去谋求幸福。 虽然戴莱丝拒绝跟她母亲结成同盟，她却为母亲保守秘密：她的动机是可嘉的，我不想说她所做的事是好还是坏。两个女人有了共同的秘密，总是欢喜在一起谈天，这就使她们俩越发接近起来。戴莱丝既心挂两头力于研究自然科学中的哲学问题，写了许多论文和札记（后，有时就使我感觉到一种孤独感，因为我已经不愿把这样在一起的三个人看成是一个家庭了。就是在这时候，我痛切地感到我当初是错了：我没有在我们初结合的时候利用爱情所给她的那种顺从去培养点她的才能和知识，这些会使我们在隐居生活中更加接近，因而也就会把她的时间和我的时间很有意味地充实起来，不致使我们两人在对坐时感到时间太长。这并不是说我们两人对坐就无话可谈，也不是说她在我们一同散步时显得厌烦；但是，归根究底，我们没有足够的共同见解来构成一个丰富的宝藏；我们的打算从此只限于享受方面，而我们不能老是谈这种打算呀。出现到我们眼前的事物引起我一些感想，而这些感想她却无力理解。十二年的依恋之情不再需要用言语来表达了；我们俩太相知了，再也没有什么可彼此倾吐的了。剩下来的只有些闲言碎语、流短飞长、冷嘲热讽了。特别是在寂寞无聊中，一个人才感到跟善于思想的人在一起生活的好处。我倒不需要有这种学识就能从和她的谈话中得到乐趣，而她要能常常从和我的谈话中得到乐趣，倒需要有这种学识。最坏的是，那时我们两人想单独谈谈，还得找机会：她的母亲使我讨厌，逼得我不得不如此。一句话，我在家里很不自在。爱的外表损害了真正的情谊。我们有着亲密的接触，却不是生活在亲密的情感里。 我一觉得戴莱丝有时找借口推辞我所建议的散步，也就不再开口了。倒也并不怪她不能和我一样乐于此道。乐趣绝不是取决于意志的东西。我知道她的心是靠得住的，这就够了。只要她能乐我之所乐，我就与她同乐；当她不能乐我之所乐的时候，我就宁可使她满足，不必求我自己的满足。 以上就说明了由于我的期望一半落空，因而我虽然过着一种合乎我的口味的生活，住着由我自己选定的住所，跟着一个我所爱的人在一起，却依然感到自己几乎是孤零零的。我所缺少的东西使我不能领略我所已有的东西。就幸福和享受而言，我要就是两者兼而有之，要就是一无所有。人们即将看到为什么我觉得这个细节有一述的必要。现在我再回到原来的话题。