Chapter 18 Chapter 8-1

At the end of the previous chapter, I must pause for a moment.With this chapter begins my chain of disasters with the first link. I have lived in two of the most distinguished families in Paris, and although I am not very civilized, it is inevitable that I have made a few acquaintances there.In particular, at Madame Dupin's house, I made the acquaintance of the Prince of Saxe-Goth and his Baron Paul Fouten.At the house of M. de la Poplinière, I met M. Seguy again, a friend of the Baron Tuen, who was well-known in the literary world because he had compiled a very good collection of Rousseau's essays.The baron had invited M. Seguit and me to spend a day or two at Fonte-sur-Bois, where the prince had a house.We both went.Passing by the prison of Vincennes, I felt my heart ache at the sight of the castle, and the Baron noticed the expression on my face.At supper, when the Prince was speaking of Diderot's imprisonment, the Baron, in order to induce me to speak, blamed the prisoner for his imprudence, which I immediately defended him with such vehemence that it appeared that I had been imprudent.This excessive zeal was originally caused by an unfortunate friend, so everyone forgives it and diverts the conversation to other matters.There were also two Germans present at that time, both of whom were accompanying the prince.One was Herr Klubfel, witty, chaplain to the prince, who later replaced the baron, and became his squire; Waiting to find another job, his poor clothing shows that he is in urgent need of finding a job.From that very evening, Klubfeld and I became acquainted, and soon became friends.My acquaintance with Mr. Grimm did not develop so rapidly: he did not show himself very much, and never had the air of superciliousness that later followed his fortune.At lunch the next day, we talked about music, and he had a great talk.I was delighted to hear that he was able to accompany the piano.After dinner, the master asked for the music score, and we played on the prince's piano for a whole day.That's how our friendship started.This friendship, for me, was so sweet at first, and then so sad.On this point, I will have a lot to say in the future.

As soon as I got back to Paris, I heard the good news that Diderot had come out of the chateau and was allowed to move about in the house and grounds of the prison at Vincennes, and was allowed to see friends as long as he did not stay within this range.How sorry I was not to be able to run to him at once!Because of some important business, I couldn't get rid of it. I was detained in Madame Dupin's house for two or three days, as anxious as I had been waiting for three or four hundred years. After that, I flew to my friend's arms.What an indescribable moment!He was not alone; d'Alembert and the treasurer of the church were with him.But as soon as I entered the door, he was the only one I saw in my eyes. With a stride and a loud cry, I put my face on his face and hugged him tightly. There were only tears and sobs, but nothing. up.I was breathless with excitement and joy.The first thing he did when he broke free from my arms was to turn his head to the priest and say to him, "Look, sir, how my friend loves me." An attitude of using my passion for self-admiration, but since then I have sometimes thought of it, and always feel that if I were in Diderot's place, it would never have been the first thought that would have occurred to me.

I found that he was greatly stimulated by the imprisonment, and that the castle made a terrible impression on him.Although it is quite comfortable here now, and he can walk freely in the garden, and the garden does not even have walls, but he needs to have friends to accompany him to promote the transformation of the study of learning from the end of the Han Dynasty.There are also "Fa Lun" and "Fa Lun" in the works, so as not to think about all the worries.Undoubtedly, I was the most sympathetic to his distress, and I believed, I was also the most able to comfort him.Therefore, no matter how busy my affairs were, I went to see him at most once every other day, either alone or with his wife, and spent an afternoon with him.

The summer of 1749 was particularly hot.It is two leagues from Paris to Fort Vincennes.I was not rich enough to hire a carriage, so when I went alone I walked, starting at two o'clock in the afternoon, walking quickly so as to arrive early.The trees on the side of the road were cut bare according to the local fashion, and there was almost no shade.I was often hot and tired, unable to walk, so I lay on the ground, unable to move.In order to walk slowly, I thought of a way to bring a book with me.One day, I took a copy of the "French Courier" magazine and read it while walking, and suddenly saw a title announced by the Dijon College for the next year's essay call: "Does the progress of science and art help to corrupt public morals, or does it not pervert public morals?"

As soon as I saw this title, I immediately saw another universe, and I became another person.Although I remember the impression very vividly, I have completely forgotten the details since I wrote them down in one of my four letters to M. de Maleserbes.This is a peculiarity of my memory which deserves to be explained.It works for me when I depend on it, and abandons me as soon as the content is written.So once I write a thing, I can never remember it again.This feature is also reflected in the music.Before I learned music, I would memorize many songs, but when I learned to read and sing, I couldn't remember a single piece.I doubt that among my favorite pieces, there is one I can still remember completely today.

The thing I remember most vividly is that I arrived at Vasnaburg in a state of agitation that bordered on madness.Diderot saw it, and I explained to him the reason, and read to him a speech of Pseudofabrisius which I had penciled under an oak tree.He encouraged me to let go of my thoughts and develop them. Extensiveness is two fundamentally different types. The mind (thought) cannot decide and shadow, so write an article to apply for it.I did so, and from that moment on I was in a position of perdition.All my life and all my misfortunes thereafter were the inevitable consequences of this moment of arrogance.

My emotions, too, were excited with the most incredible speed, and raised to the same level as my thoughts.All my passions were smothered by love of truth, of liberty, of morality; and the most amazing thing is that this passion persisted in me for four or five years, as probably in anyone else's. It's never been that intense. I wrote this lecture in a very peculiar way, and I later wrote it in other books.It's been used that way almost all the time.I spent my sleepless nights writing lecture notes.I closed my eyes and thought on the bed, turning my paragraphs over and over in my head, and when I was satisfied with the passage, I would store it in my mind until I could write it down on paper.But the time it took me to get up and dress made me forget all this, and by the time I took up my pen to write I could hardly remember anything of what I had drawn up.So I thought of a way to ask Madame Le Vasseur to be my secretary.I had moved her, her daughter, and her husband nearer to me before this; it was she, to spare me a servant, who came every morning to light the stove and do my chores. .As soon as she arrived, I dictated to her in bed the essays I had come up with that night.I have continued this method for a long time, and it has saved me a lot of forgetting.

When the speech was finished, I showed it to Diderot. He was very satisfied and pointed out several points that should be revised.However, although this work is full of enthusiasm, it was originally edited by Zhu Xi's younger son Zhu Zai, and it was added later.There are "Hui'an Ji" and "Hui'an Ji", which are majestic, but completely lack of logic and hierarchy.Of all that has come from my pen, it is the weakest in reason, and least in symmetry and harmony.However, no matter how talented you are, the art of writing isn't something you can learn all at once.

I sent this article off and I don't think I've spoken to anyone other than Grimm.I have been in very close contact with him since he came to Count Friesen's.He has a piano, and that's where we hang out, and I spend all my free time around the piano with him, from morning to night, or rather, night to morning, endlessly sang Italian songs and Venetian gondoliers.Anyone who cannot find me at Dupin's will find me at Grimm's, or at least I am with him, or walking, or at a play.I had long-term tickets to the Théâtre d'Italia, but he didn't like it, so I quit and paid to go with him to the Théâtre de France, which he fell in love with.In the end, there was an attraction so strong that bound me to this young man that I was inseparable from him, even from my poor aunt.The so-called estrangement means that I spend less time with her, because my attachment to her has not weakened for a moment in my life.

I had not much free time to do both, and this strengthened my idea of ​​living with Theresa; I had already had the idea, but the fact that she had a large family and, above all, no means of furnishing, This has led me to put the plan on hold.This time an opportunity presented itself for some effort, and I took advantage of it.Monsieur Frangeuille and Madame Dupin felt that my eight or nine hundred francs a year was not enough for my expenses, so they offered to raise my annual salary to fifty louis gold. I'm a little busy.Putting together some of Thérèse's original furniture, we took a small flat at the Languedoc Hotel, rue de Grenelle-Saint-Honoré, populated by decent people.We furnished it as well as we could, and lived quietly and comfortably for seven years, until I moved to the Hermitage.

Thérèse's father was a good man, very gentle, but also very henpecked, and he nicknamed her "Criminal Prosecutor."For this nickname cynicism see "School of Cynicism". , Grimm later moved from mother to daughter in jest.Madame le Vasseur was not lacking in talent, that is to say, not intrepid; she even prided herself on her manners and manners.But her sly flattery overwhelmed me; she taught her daughter bad tricks, tried to get her to pretend before me, and flattered many of my friends separately, and made trouble between them and with me.However, she was a pretty good mother, because it was to her own advantage to do so, and she benefited from covering up her daughter's mistakes.This woman, whom I treated with care and attention, gave her many little presents, and only wanted to make her love me, was the only cause of unhappiness in my little family because I felt powerless. .However, I can still say that during these six or seven years, I have tasted the most perfect family happiness that a weak heart can afford.My Therese's heart is that of an angel.Our affection grows with our intimacy, and we feel more and more each day that we are made for each other.If descriptions could be written about our pleasures together, they would be amusing in their simplicity.We took long walks outside the town, spending lavishly ten or eight sous if we came across a tavern; On a large wooden box as wide as the window.At this time, the window sill was our table. We breathed the fresh air, watched the surrounding scenery, and watched the passers-by. Although we were on the fifth floor, we could eat while eating, as if we were in the street.Who can describe this dinner, who can feel the joy of this dinner, consisting only of half a pound of loaf, a few cherries, a small milk cake, and four pints of wine?Friendship, trust, intimacy, warmth of the soul!What a wonderful seasoning you have prepared!Sometimes we stayed there until midnight without knowing it, and it would have been so late if the old mother hadn't reminded us.But these details aside, they would be tedious, and that's how I've always said and felt, and the real enjoyment is beyond words. About the same time I had a cruder pleasure, the last of which I should reproach myself.I have said that the Reverend Krubfield was very dear, and that I was as intimate with him as I was with Grimm, and became equally intimate afterward.The two of them also sometimes eat at my house.These light meals, though too simple, were enlivened by Klübfeld's witty, maniacal banter and Grimm's irresistible German accent - Grimm was not yet To be a French purist.Our little feasts were not centered on the pleasures of the stomach, but the abundance of merriment more than made up for it, and we got on so well with each other that we could not be far from each other.Klubfeld kept a little girl in his lodgings, but she was still available because he couldn't afford to support her on his own.We went into a café one evening and we met him coming out of it to go to the girl's for dinner.We laugh at him.He retaliated very elegantly, inviting us to dinner at the girl's house and laughing at us instead.The poor little wretch seemed to be of a rather good nature, very gentle, not quite used to her trade, and had a madam with her, who tried to train her.Chatting and drinking kept us entertained.That good Klubfeld treats guests thoroughly, not halfway: the three of us went to the next room with the poor little girl.It made her dumbfounded.Grimm insisted that he had not touched her, that he had been with her so long on purpose to annoy us, and to amuse us.However, if he really didn't touch her this time, it didn't seem to be due to scruples, because before he moved into the Count of Friesen's house, he lived with some prostitutes in the Saint-Roche district. I came out of the Rue Sparrow, where this girl lived, as ashamed as Saint-Pule came out of the house where he was drunk, and I wrote his story in retrospect to my own.Thérèse according to a certain sign.Especially based on my flustered look, I could see that I had done something wrong. In order to lighten the burden on my heart, I immediately told her everything.It was a good thing I did, for Grimm came triumphantly the next day and told her my sins, and added to them.Since then, he has always brought up this incident to her maliciously at every opportunity: he is especially inappropriate in this regard, because since I trust him voluntarily, I have a right to expect him not to use it. I regret it.And never have I felt more deeply the sincerity of my Thérèse's heart than this time.She disliked Grimm's manners more than she complained about my misfortune, and I received only some lingering and touching reproaches from her, and found no trace of resentment. This excellent woman has such a sincere heart and such a simple mind, which is enough to explain everything.But there is one more thing in front of me, which is still worth writing.I had told her that Klubfeld was a priest and chaplain to the Saxon-Gothic prince.A Priest 1883) Indian Hindu reformer.Born into a wealthy Brahmin family, Nian was so unique a character to her that she confused the most irrelevant concepts so comically that she took Klubfeld for Pope.The first time I came home and heard from her that the Pope had come to see me, I thought she was crazy.I asked her to explain it to me, and then I hurried off to tell the story to Grim and Klubfel.We have since called Klubfeld the Pope.We call the girl from the Rue Sparrow again Jeanne, Empress of the Pope.In this way, I laughed endlessly, and I couldn't breathe from laughing.Someone who insists that I once said in a letter—from my own mouth—that I laughed only twice in my life has never known me in those days, nor in my boyhood. , otherwise, they would never have come up with such words. The following year, 1750, I had given up my article, when I heard that it had won a prize at Dijon.This news awakened and gave new force to all the ideas from which I wrote that essay, and at last brought back to me what my father, my country, and Plutarch had instilled in me in my childhood. The raw leaven of heroism and morality was set in motion.From then on, I felt that being a free and moral person, ignoring wealth and materialism and being proud of oneself, is the greatest and most beautiful thing.Though a terrible shyness and fear of ridicule prevented me from immediately acting on these principles, and from breaking openly with the creed of the time, I resolved to wait only until the will was stimulated by contradictions, and self-confidence would surely triumph. , put it into practice without hesitation. While I was philosophizing about the duties of human beings, one incident prompted me to think more deeply about my own duties.Theresa became pregnant for the third time.Because I was too true to myself, and because my heart was too proud to take my actions against my principles, I began to examine the prospects of my children and my relationship with their mother.I am based on the laws of nature, justice, and reason, the laws of a religion that is as pure, holy, and eternal as its creator, and which men pretend to purify when they defile it. up.Men, by their own formulas, reduce it to a religion of empty words, exempting themselves from the obligation to practice because of the rules, and of course the impossible can be prescribed without effort. No doubt I was wrong about the consequences of my actions, but the peace of mind I had in doing them was nothing less than amazing.If I were the kind of born bad person who couldn't hear the kind voice of nature, and never had any real sense of justice and humanity in my heart, then God's Will, "Materialist View of History" and so on.His book is compiled as "Plekhanov", this kind of hard-heartedness is extremely simple and natural.Yet my heart is so warm, my feelings are so sensitive; I am so prone to love, so strongly controlled by emotion when I fall in love, and so heartbroken when I need to give up; I love greatness, truth, beauty and justice; I hate evil of any kind so much, and I am so incapable of holding grudges and harming people, and I have never even thought of it; I see everything moral, heroic, and lovely with such a heart. To be weak, to be moved so strongly and so sweetly--could all these be reconciled in the same soul with that immoral behavior which tramples upon the best duties indiscriminately?I can't, I feel I can't, I say I can't, it's absolutely impossible.Not for a single moment in his life did Jean-Jacques have been a heartless, heartless man, a father who had lost his nature.I may have done something wrong, but it is impossible to have such a hard heart.If I were to state why, it would be a long story.As these reasons have seduced me, they have tempted many others, and I would not allow the young men who might read my book in the future to allow themselves to be deceived by the same error.I just want to say that my mistake was when I handed over my children to be educated by the state because I couldn't afford to raise them, when I prepared them to be workers, peasants and not adventurers When I was with the seekers of wealth, I thought I was doing what a citizen and a loving father should do. I considered myself a member of Plato's republic.Since then, more than once my inner remorse has told me that I was wrong; but my reason has never given me the same warning, and I have often thanked God for protecting them from such treatment. And to be spared the fate of their father, and the fate that I would threaten them should I be forced to abandon them.Would they have been happier if I had left them in the care of Madam d'Epinay or Madam de Luxembourg, who have since, from friendship, generosity, or other motives, offered to support them?At least, will he be raised to be a decent person?I don't know, but I can tell that they will be made to resent their parents, and perhaps betray them: it would be far better for them not to know who their parents were at all. So my third child was sent to the Foundling House like the first two, and the next two were treated in the same way: I have had five children in all.This kind of treatment seemed to me to be too good, too reasonable, and too legal at the time, and the reason why I didn't boast about myself publicly was entirely to save my mother's face.But I told everyone who knew about our relationship, I told Diderot, I told Grimm, then I told Madam d'Epinay, and after that I told Luxembourg lady.And when I told them, I was unavoidably strong, frank and straightforward, not out of helplessness.It would be easy for me to hide it from everyone, because Miss Gouin is honest and tight-lipped, and I can trust her completely.Among my friends, the only one whom I have an interest in telling the truth is Dr. Thierry, who came to see my poor "aunt" who had a difficult labor.In short, I kept nothing secret about my conduct, not only because I never knew anything to hide from my friends, but also because I actually saw nothing wrong with it.Weighing all the pros and cons, I feel that I have chosen the best future for my children, or what I think is the best future.I wished, and still wish, that I had been brought up like them when I was a child. When I confided in this way, Madame Le Vasseur confided, but not with the same disinterested purpose.I had introduced them—her and her daughter—to Madame Dupin, who, for my kindness, took great care of them.The mother told Madame Dupin all her daughter's secrets.Madame Dupin was kind and generous, and she did not tell Madame Dupin how I had done my best to provide for them in spite of my meager means, so Madame Dupin provided additionally.This great friendship, my daughter, under the instigation of her mother, kept it from me during my stay in Paris.It was only at the Hermitage, after several conversations about other things, that she revealed the truth.I did not then know that Madame Dupin knew so well about our affairs, for she never revealed anything to me; nor do I know even now whether her daughter-in-law, Madame Chenonceau, did the same. She knew about us, but her ex-daughter-in-law, Mrs. Francueil, knew it clearly, and she couldn't keep her mouth shut.She talked to me about it in the second year, when I had already left her house, which forced me to write her a letter on this issue, and the manuscript is kept in the collection of letters.The reasons I have stated in this letter are those which I can say without hurting Mme. Le Vasseur and her family, but the most decisive reason comes from this side, and I have not said it. I trusted the prudence of Madame Dupin and the friendship of Madame Chenonceau, and I also trusted the friendship of Madame Frangeuille, who died long before my secret was coaxed out. .My secret has never been leaked out except by those to whom I have privately told it, and indeed only after I have broken with them.From the mere fact that works are fluid structures to be filled out by the reader rather than being realistic, one can judge of them: I don't want to shirk the blame I deserve, I'm willing to accept it, but not Willing to accept condemnation for their wickedness.My sin was great, but it was only a mistake: I neglected my duty, yet the thought of harm never entered my mind; my fatherly love for a child whom I had never seen was naturally not strong.But to betray the confidence of a friend, to break the most sacred promises, to open the secrets of our breasts, to discredit a friend who has been deceived by us and respects us when he leaves us, these are not faults, but souls. dirty and ugly. I have vowed to write my confession, not my defence; therefore, I will stop here on this point.It's up to me to tell the truth, and it's up to the readers to tell the truth.I never ask the reader for anything more. M. Chenonceau's marriage made his mother's family even more agreeable to me, for the bride was a very lovely young woman of virtue and talent, and she was the most respected among those who handled M. Dupin's papers. I seem to see it differently.She was the only daughter of the Viscountess Rochechouart, who was a dear friend of the Count of Friesen, and through him also of Grimm.However, it was I who introduced Grimm into her daughter's house.But their acquaintance did not congenial, and the acquaintance was fruitless.From that time on Grimm was bent on ingratiating himself with influence, and he preferred to be friends with his mother than with his daughter, for the mother was well connected in high society, and the daughter wanted only reliable friends who suited her taste, I don't engage in any conspiracy, and I don't want to get rich.Madame Dupin did not see in Madame Chenonceau the obedience she expected, and left her to live alone at home, while Madame Chenonceau, proud of her virtue and perhaps of her birth, preferred to To give up the pleasures of society, to be almost alone in her own room, rather than to be subject to the kind of control she was not used to.This exile strengthened my affection for her, for my nature made me sympathize with the less fortunate.I found her fond of daydreams, inquisitive, sometimes a bit sophistry.Her conversation, by no means like a young woman who just came out of a school run by a convent, had a great attraction for me.However, she is not yet twenty years old.Her complexion was fair and radiant.If she had been particular about her posture, her figure would have been dignified and graceful.Her hair was fair and grey, and of extraordinary beauty, and reminded me of my poor mother's hair in her youth, and made me very uneasy.But the strict rules of conduct which I had drawn for myself, and which I resolved to observe at any cost, kept me from her whims, from her charms.For a whole summer, I sat face to face with her for three or four hours every day, taught her arithmetic in a serious manner, bored her with my endless numbers, never said a word of love to her, and never sent her a gift. Have a look.In another five or six years, I won't be so smart, or rather, I won't be so stupid.However, I am also destined to fall in love with love only once in my life.Not she, but someone else will have the first and last sigh of my heart. Since my time at Madame Dupin's, I have been content with what I am, without expressing any desire for improvement.She and M. Frangeuer joined forces to increase my salary, entirely on their own initiative.This year, Mr. Frangueyer has been treating me better every day because of the practice method, not the philosophical point of view.A large number of Indian ancient books mentioned it as a practice method, just to make me more prosperous and my life more stable.He was treasurer, and his cashier, Monsieur Duboiille, was old and rich, and wanted to retire.M. Frangeuille asked me to fill the vacancy; and in order to be able to do so, I spent several weeks going to M. Dudoillet's to acquire the necessary knowledge.But perhaps it was because I lacked the talents for the position, and perhaps M. Dudoyer—who seemed to me to be looking for another heir—did not give me enough to teach me what I needed, slowly and badly. ;that great set of deliberately confused accounts never got into my head very well.However, although I could not grasp the subtleties, I could understand the general outline, enough to get the job done smoothly, and I even started to perform the duties.I manage both registers and inventories; I receive and disburse cash and sign bills; although I have neither talent nor interest in this line of work, my maturity is beginning to make me honest, and I am determined to overcome my hatred and devote all my energy to it. Come do it.Unfortunately, when I was on track, Mr. Francueil went on a trip. During the trip, I was alone in charge of his treasury. Curry's cash at that time was only 25,000 to 30,000. franc.The toil and restlessness the trust caused me to feel that I was by no means cashier material, and I have no doubt that the restlessness I felt while he was away on business contributed to the illness I suffered upon his return. serious illness. As I said in the first part of my book, I was born half-dead.A congenital deformity of the bladder caused me to suffer from almost constant auria as a child; my Aunt Suson, who was in charge of my care, worked unbelievably hard to keep me alive.In the end, however, she succeeded, and my vigorous constitution finally prevailed, and in my youth my health was so completely stabilized that, apart from the weakness I have described, and frequent urination upon slight exposure to heat, I often experienced Inconvenience aside, I almost never experienced my early disability until I was thirty.The first recurrence of this disability occurred when I arrived in Venice.The fatigue of the trip and the intense heat left me with burning stools and low back pain until winter.After I met the girl of Padua, I thought I was going to die, but it turned out that I didn't feel any discomfort.I had done more harm to my Zulietta than to my body, and after being tired for a while, my health was better than ever.It was only after the arrest of Diderot that I suffered from severe renal colic when I was so hot at the time of my frequent trips to Vainenburg.After fighting this disease, I have never been able to regain my initial health. During the period I am speaking of, a little tired, perhaps, from doing some nasty work for that accursed treasury, my body broke down again, even worse than before.I was in bed for five or six weeks, miserable.Madame Dupin sent for me the famous physician Moran, who, although sensitive and delicate in his operation, caused me incredible pains, and was never able to diagnose the root cause of my disease with a bougie.He persuaded me to see Dalan, whose bougie was softer, and indeed penetrated the affected part; but Morand, when he reported my condition to Madame Dupin, said that I could not live more than six months.This word, when it came to my ears, prompted me to reflect on my situation at that time: my days were numbered, and I was bound by a job I had only abhorred. , how foolish it would be to sacrifice the peace and joy of the rest of my life.Moreover, how could the strict principles of life to which I had embraced be reconciled with a position so unfit for them?Is it justifiable to be a treasurer's teller and come to preach indifference and poverty?These thoughts brewed in my head with the fever, became intertwined, and could never be dismissed from my mind; during the recuperation period after illness, I calmly affirmed these decisions I had taken during the fever.I cast off forever any plans of getting rich and getting better.Having decided to live the rest of my life in independence and poverty, I will use all the strength of my soul to break free from the shackles of the times, and to do with courage what I think is good, regardless of what others say or say.The barriers I had to break down and the amount of effort it took to overcome them were unbelievable.I finally managed to do as much as I could, and exceeded my own original expectations.If I had been freed from friendship as well as from public opinion, I would have carried out my plan, which is perhaps the greatest, or at least the most moral, conceivable on earth. However, while scorning the absurd comments of the vulgar group of so-called great men and philosophers, I let them lead me like a child at the mercy of my so-called friends, and these so-called friends Seeing me alone on a new path made me jealous, and they tried to make me a laughingstock, while they seemed to be trying to make me happy.他们首先极力贬低我，以便最后达到败坏我的名誉的目的。引起他们对我忌妒的，还不是我在文坛上的成名，而是我在这里开始的那种个人生活上的改革：我在写作艺术上出点锋头，也许他们还能原谅，但是他们不能原谅我在行为上树立一个似乎使他们寝食不安的榜样。我生来就好交朋友，我的脾气平易而又温和，很容易产生友谊。在我默默无闻的时候，凡是认识我的人一直都爱我，我没有一个仇人；但是，我一旦成名，就一个朋友也没有了。这是个很大的不幸；而尤其不幸的是我身边尽是自称为朋友的人，他们利用这个名义给予他们的权利来把我拖到万劫不复的地步。我这部回忆录的后面部分将揭露这一可憎的阴谋，我在这里只说明这个阴谋的起源；人们不久就会看到这个阴谋怎样结下第一个圈套的。 我想独立生活，就必须有个生活之道。我想出了一个最简便的办法，就是替人抄乐谱，按页数计酬。如果有什么更可靠的工作能达到同样的目的，我也会做的；但是这种技能既适合我的爱好创办了《莱茵时报》。主张德国哲学应成为“行动的哲学”。提，又唯一能使我不屈从于人而逐日获得面包，我就认定了这个工作。我认为我从此不必再忧虑前途了，我把虚荣心也压下去了，于是我由金融家的出纳员一变而为乐谱抄缮人。我认为这项选择给我带来的好处很多，就毫无后悔之意，将来只有迫不得已时才丢开这一行，但一有可能，我还是要重理旧业的。 我第一篇文章的成功使我所下的这个决心更易于实现了。文章一得奖，狄德罗就负责叫人把它印了出来。我还卧病在床的时候，他就写了短函，报告我文章出版的情况和它所产生的效果。短函里说：“真是直冲九霄；这样的成功还没有前例呢。”这种社会大众的赏识绝不是钻营得来，而且又是对一个无名作者，这就使我对自己的才能有了第一次真正的自信。我对自己的才能，直到那时为止，尽管内心里有所感觉，总还是有些怀疑。我立刻看出，利用这个成功，对于我正准备执行的那个独立生活的计划，将是大有助益的；我想，一个在文坛上有点名声的抄缮人，工作大概是不会缺乏的。 我的决心一旦下定，就写一封短函给弗兰格耶先生，通知他这件事，谢谢他和杜宾夫人的种种盛情，并且要求他们多多帮忙。弗兰格耶一点也不明白我这封信的意思，以为我还在梦呓呢，便赶快跑到我家里来。但是他发现我太坚定了，无法挽回，就跑去告诉杜宾夫人，告诉所有的人，说我疯了。他说他的，我做我的。我从服饰上开始实现我的改革，我摒除了镀金的饰物和白色的袜子，戴上一个圆假发，取下佩剑，把表卖掉，我心里异常高兴地说；“谢天谢地；我以后不需要知道钟点了。”弗兰格耶先生很客气，等了很久没有把他的金库交给别人。最后，他看我已经坚定不移，才把它交给达里巴尔先生了，达里巴尔先生以前是小舍农索的保傅，曾以《巴黎植物志》一书而在植物学界知名。 不管我那蔚为大观的改革是如何严峻，起初我还没有把它推广到我的内衣上来。我的内衣很漂亮，数量又多，是我在威尼斯时的行装的剩余，我对它特别爱好。由于讲究干净组织集团法国萨特的用语。集团形成的第三种形态。有，我曾把它变成了一种奢侈品，因而就免不了叫我花掉许多钱。后来有人给我帮了一个大忙，使我摆脱了这种物质欲的束缚。圣诞节的前夕，当我的两位女总督在做晚祷，我也在听圣诗音乐会的时候，有人把阁楼的门撬开了，把里面刚洗过晾着的我们的全部内衣偷个精光，其中有我的四十二件衬衫，都是上等细麻纱的，是我内衣柜里的精华。邻居中有人曾看见一个人从公寓里出去，带了几个大包，据他们描述的模样，戴莱丝和我都怀疑是她的哥哥，他是众所周知的大坏蛋。母亲愤愤地否定这个怀疑，但是不管她怎样说，证实这怀疑的迹象太多了，所以这种怀疑一直存在我们心里。我不敢作严密的调查，因为怕发现的事实超过我所愿意知道的程度。这个哥哥从此不再到我家来了，最后完全失踪了。我怨戴莱丝的命不好，也怨我自己的命不好，竟有这样一个复杂的家庭，于是我比任何时候都更恳切地劝她赶快摆脱这么一个危险的家庭。这件事把我爱漂亮内衣的癖好医好了，从此以后，我只容很普通的内衣，这就跟我装束的其余部分比较协调了。 这样一来，我的改革算完成了，往后我只想到如何使这种改革巩固起来，持续下去；我极力把别人对我的非议以及在做本身是美好和合理的事情时怕人指责的顾虑抛到脑后。由于我的作品出了名，我的决心也出了名，这给我招来许多主顾；因而我一开始营业就相当成功。然而，有好几个原因使我不能达到在别的情况下可能达到的那么大的成功。首先，我的身体不好，我刚害过的那场病还有些后遗症，一直没能让我恢复到原来那样的健康水平；而且我相信，我所信赖的医生叫我吃的苦，至少也不比疾病本身叫我吃的苦少。我先后找过莫朗、达朗、爱尔维修斯、马鲁安、蒂埃里，他们都很有学问，都是我的朋友，各以自己的方式给我治病，却并不能减轻我的痛苦，反而大大地削弱了我的体力。我越是遵循他们的教导，我就越黄、越瘦、越衰弱。我的想象力被他们吓坏了，我根据他们的药效来衡量我的病况，使我看到未死之前只有一连串的痛楚，又是尿闭，又是砂淋，又是结石。凡是能给别人减轻病痛的办法，如汤药，沐浴，放血等，都只能加剧我的病痛。我发现只有达朗的探条有点效力，能够暂时减轻一下痛苦，我认为没有它就活不成，就花大钱买了大量探条存着，以备万一达朗去世，我也终身有探条可用。在八九年当中，我经常用这种探条，连同存在手边的一齐计算，我买探条的钱足有五十金路易之多。很显然，这样耗钱、这样痛苦、这样难受的治疗，是不会让我专心致志去工作的，不会让一个垂死的人有很大的劲头去谋求他逐日的面包的。 文学方面的工作又构成了另一种分心，对我日常工作的妨害不下于疾病。我的文章一出版，那些文艺卫道士就不约而同地扑到我身上来了。我一看，那么多的若斯先生连问题都没有搞懂，就想拿出大师的派头来下断语，我就拿起笔来，狠狠地教训了他们几个，使得没有人敢支持他们。有个什么戈蒂埃先生，南锡人，是第一个倒在我的笔下的。在我写给格里姆先生的一封信中，我把他结结实实地教训了一番。第二个就是斯塔尼斯拉夫王本人，他却没有肯跟我较量下去。承他那么看得起我，我在答复他时不得不换个笔调，我采取了一种更加庄重的笔调，但同样强硬有力；我一方面不对作者失敬，另一方面却又充分驳斥了他的作品。我知道有个耶稣会教士叫默努神父的，在那篇作品里插过手。我就凭我的判断，辨别出哪些是国王的手笔，哪些是僧侣的手笔；我毫不留情地抨击所有耶稣会派的语句，顺便还抓住了一个颠倒时代的错误，这个错误，我深信只有那神父才搞得出来的。这篇文章，我不知道为什么没有象我别的文章那样出名，但直到现在为止，在它那一类型中是篇独一无二的作品。我抓住这个送上门的机会，在这篇文章里使公众知道，一个平头百姓也能捍卫真理，乃至和一个君主抗衡。同时也很难选择一种笔调，能比我为答复他而采取的笔调更高傲更恭敬的了。我总算很幸运，遇到这样一个对手，我心里对他充满着钦敬之忱，又能把这钦敬之忱向他表达出来而不失之于谄佞；我成功地做到了这一点，却又始终不失身份。我的朋友们为我惊慌起来，以为我巴士底狱是坐定了。这种畏惧，我连片刻都不曾有过。我完全做对了。那位善良的国王看到我的答复之后说：“我领教了，再也不惹他了。”从那时候起，我就受到他种种不同的钦敬和善意的表示，其中有几次我将来是要提到的；而我那篇文章因此也就在法国和欧洲平平安安地流传，没有谁再从中寻找可指摘之处了。 不多时以后，我又有了另外一个文敌，是我没有料想到的，就是里昂的那位博尔德先生。十年前他曾对我很表好感，帮过我好几次忙。我并没有忘记他理学、自然神论、伦理学、经济学、政治学等部分。在资产，但是由于懒，就把他疏忽了；我没有把我的所有作品送给他，因为没有现成的机会，这就是我的不是了；于是他就攻击我，不过还算客气，我也答复得同样客气。随后他又进一步驳我，这就使我写出了最后一篇答复，他对这篇答复没有再说第二句话，可是他成了我最凶恶的敌人，抓住我倒霉的时候写了些恶毒的谤书来攻击我，而且为了加害于我，还特地跑了一趟伦敦。 这场笔战使我忙得不可开交，浪费了许多抄乐谱的时间，于真理的阐扬既无多大补益，于我的钱囊更没有带来进项，当时我的书商叫比索，他付给我那些小册子的报酬总是很少，常常一点都不给。就拿我第一篇文章为例吧，我就没有得到一文钱：狄德罗是白送给他的。他为我的小册子给我的那点钱也需要等候很久，一个苏一个苏地向他要。这时候，我抄乐谱的工作不行了。我同时干着两个行业：这正是两败俱伤的办法。 这两种行业还在另一方面互相矛盾着，因为它们逼我采取不同的生活方式。我初期作品的成功使我成了时髦人物。我选定的职业又刺激着人们的好奇心，人们总是想认识一下这个怪人：他不求任何人，只想生活得自由自在，乐其所乐，别的什么也不管。这样一来，我的计划全被破坏了。我的房间里总有客人，他们以种种不同的借口来侵占我的时间。女士们耍出种种手腕邀我做她们的座上客。我越粗声厉气地对人，人家就越发盯住我。我不能把大家全都拒绝掉呀。要拒绝就得招来无数的仇人，要敷衍就得听人家摆布。不管我怎样应付，一天里没有一个钟头时间是属于我的。 于是我感觉到，想过清贫而独立的生活，并不总是象自己所想象的那么容易。我愿意靠我的手艺生活，公众却不愿意。人们千方百计来弥补他们使我受到的时间损失。不久，我简直要和傀儡戏里的滑稽小丑一样学提供一般的理论基矗在古代，各国哲学家中都有关于法，几个钱看一次了。我真不知道还有什么比这更屈辱人、更残酷无情的奴役生活了。我对此没有别的办法，只有拒绝一切大大小小的馈赠。对谁也不例外。这一切做法反而招来许多送礼的人，他们要有战胜我的拒绝的光荣，不管我愿意不愿意，都要强迫我去领情。如果向他要的话，有的人连一个埃居也不会给我，现在却不断来麻烦我，向我送这样，送那样，一看所有的礼物都被我退回了，为着报复，便骂我的拒绝是傲慢，是摆架子。 很显然，我所抱定的决心，我所要遵循的生活方式，是不合勒·瓦瑟太太的口味的。女儿呢，她虽然不计私利，却挡不住听从母亲的指导；于是，就象果弗古尔先生称呼她们的那样，这两位“女总督”拒绝馈赠就不老是象我那么坚决了。虽然她们有许多事情瞒住了我，我还是看出了一些苗头，这足使我判断出我知道的还不是全部，因此我心里难过极了，倒不单是因为怕人家骂我串通作假（这是不难预料的），主要地还是因为我在家里不能当家作主，连自己也不能自主。我请求，我苦劝，我发脾气，都归无效。妈妈说我是个一辈子改不了的唠叨鬼，是个暴性子；她跟我的朋友们谈起来，便老是喊喊喳喳、窃窃私议。在我的小家庭里，对我来说，什么都是个谜，什么都是秘密；为了免得天天跟她们闹风波，家里有什么事，我连打听也不敢打听了。要想摆脱所有这许多纷扰，就得有绝大的坚决意志，而我又办不到。我只会嚷嚷，却没有行动：她们就让我干嚷嚷，她们依然我行我素。 这些层出不穷的纠缠，这种天天找上头来的麻烦，终于使我感到呆在家里、住在巴黎是索然无味的了。当我的病痛容许我出门的时候，当我不是让熟人抱着东奔西跑的时候，我就一个人出去散步，我想着我那庞大的思想体系，并且利用我经常带在衣袋里的白纸本子和铅笔，把想的东西写出一点来。这就说明，我自己选定的职业所产生的意外烦恼怎样又由于排愁遣闷的需要。把我完全打回到文学这条路上来了；这也就说明，我怎样把驱使我写作的这份恼怒郁闷之气带到了我所有的初期作品里。 另一件事又助长了我这种恼怒郁闷之气。我既没有社交界的派头，又不善于做出这副派头，也不惯于受这种派头的约束，而我偏又不由分说地被拖到社交场中，于是我就想了一个办法的。在土地革命战争后期和抗日战争时期得到系统总结和多，采取一种我所特有的派头，免得我学一般的社交派头。我那种愚蠢而扫兴的羞涩怎么也克服不了。我的羞涩既出于害怕失礼，我就决心去践踏礼俗，使我的胆子壮起来。害羞使我愤世嫉俗，我不懂得礼节，就装作蔑视礼节。这种与我的新的生活原则相符合的粗鲁的态度在我的灵魂里成了一种高尚的东西，化为无所畏惧的德性。而且我敢说，正因为它有这样庄严的基础，所以我这种粗鲁的态度，本来是极端违背本性的一种努力做作，竟能维持得出人意外地好和长久。然而，尽管我的外表和几句妙语使我在社会上享有愤世嫉俗之名，我在私生活中却毫无疑义地老是唱不好这个角色；我的知交和相识把我这只野性难驯的熊牵着鼻子跑，就跟牵一只羔羊一样，而且我的挖苦话也都是一些听起来刺耳却又是普遍的真理，我从来就不会对任何人说出一句得罪他的话。 《乡村卜师》这部歌剧使我更加成为风头人物了。不久，巴黎就没有一个人比我更深受欢迎。这个剧本在我的一生中有着划时代的意义，它的故事是同我当时的交游联系着的。为了使读者了解后来发生的事情，我得详细谈一谈。 我当时认识人相当多，但是只有两个好朋友，他们是狄德罗和格里姆。我有一个愿望，就是要把我所爱的人都聚到一起。我既跟他们两人那么要好，他们俩也必然很快就互相要好了。我使他们俩建立了联系，他们俩彼此相投，便互相交结得比跟我还要密切。狄德罗认识的人数不胜数，但是格里姆，既是外籍，又是新到，需要多认识些人。我但愿能为他多多介绍。我已经给他介绍了狄德罗，又给他介绍了果弗古尔。我又把他引进舍农索夫人家里、埃皮奈夫人家里、霍尔巴赫男爵家里——我跟霍尔巴赫男爵几乎是不得已才结识上的。所有我的朋友都成了他的朋友，这倒是极其简单的。但是他的朋友从来没有一个成了我的朋友，这个问题就不那么简单了。当他住在弗里森伯爵家里的时候，他常请我们在伯爵家里吃饭，但是我从来没有受到弗里森伯爵的任何友谊和照拂的表示。伯爵的亲戚旭姆堡伯爵跟格里姆非常亲密，但他对我也跟弗里森伯爵对我一样。其余的人，不论男女，凡是格里姆通过两位伯爵的关系结识上的，对我也都是如此。只有雷纳尔神父，我要把他算作例外，他虽然是格里姆的朋友，却也是我的朋友。并且当我手头拮据的时候曾解囊相助，慷慨非常。不过，我认识雷纳尔神父早在格里姆认识他之前。某次他曾对我有过一个非常体贴又非常殷勤的表示，事情虽然不大，但是我始终不忘，从那时起，我就一直对他深有好感了。 这位雷纳尔神父确实是个热心的朋友。关于这一点，差不多就在我说的这个时期，又有一件事情可以证明：这件事就是跟这位格里姆有关的，当时他正与格里姆过往甚密。格里姆跟菲尔小姐来住了若干时日之后，突然起念要神魂颠倒地爱她“文学”中的“庄子”。②著作。见“著作”中的“庄子”。，要把卡于萨克顶掉。而那位美人儿又偏要显示坚贞，谢绝了这位新来的追求者。于是这位追求者就把事情看成悲剧。想要殉情。他突然害起谁也没有听说过的一种怪病。他在连续不断的昏睡中度过了几天几夜，眼睛睁得大大的，脉搏正常，但是不说话、不吃、不动，有时似乎也听见人家说话，可从来也不搭腔，连个示意动作也没有。而且他既不烦躁，也无痛苦，也不发烧，躺在那儿就象死了一般。雷纳尔神父和我轮班看护他。神父健壮些，身体好些，值夜班，我值白班，从来也不会两个人都不在他跟前；一个不到，另一个就不走。弗里森伯爵慌了，就把塞纳克请来。塞纳克把他仔细检查了一番，说什么事儿也没有，连药方也没有开。我为我的朋友着急，这就使我细心观察医生的神情，我看他出门时还面带笑容呢。然而病人还是一连好几天一动也不动，汤汤水水什么都不进，只吃几个蜜饯樱桃，他咽得倒还顺利，是我一个一个送到他舌头上的。忽然一天早晨，他起床了，穿上衣服，恢复了他往常那样的生活，却从来没有跟我，据我所知，也没有跟雷纳尔神父，也没有跟任何人，再谈起过那次离奇的昏睡病，也没有提到过生病期间我们对他的照顾。 这件事免不了引起人言啧啧；如果一个歌剧女演员的薄情竟能使一个男子绝望而死，那才真是个新鲜的故事呢。这段美妙的痴情使格里姆成了风头人物了；不久，他就被认为是爱情、友情、一切感情的奇迹。这种舆论使他在上流社会里大受欢迎，到处吃香，由此也就使他疏远了我。在他心目中，我这个朋友从来就是勉强充数的。我看他是要完全脱离我了，心里很难过，因为他那么大张旗鼓地表示出来的热烈感情正是我不声不响地对他表示的。我很乐意看到他在社会上取得成功，但是我不愿意他因此而把朋友忘掉。我有一天对他说：“格里姆，你把我疏远了，我原谅你。将来当你在那轰轰烈烈的成功所给你的最初的陶醉过了之后，感觉到空虚的时候，我希望你回到我这里来，你随时都能找到我。至于目前，你就别感到不好意思，一切悉听尊便；我等着你，”他说我说得对，就照我的话做了，并且做得那么自在，以至除了跟共同的朋友在一起之外，我就见不到他的人影儿了。 在他跟埃皮奈夫人过往密切之前，我们两个人主要是在霍尔巴赫男爵家里见面。这位男爵是个暴发户的儿子，家有巨产，挥霍得很慷慨，在家里招待些文人才士，而以他自己的学问和知识，也不愧置身于文人才士之林。他很久以来就跟狄德罗交结，而在我成名之前就曾托狄德罗介绍，要和我结识。一种天然的嫌恶之情长期阻止我接受他的盛意，有一天他问我是什么缘故，我对他说：“你太富了。”他依然坚持要和我交朋友，最后还是成功了。我的最大的不幸始终是抵抗不了人家的亲切，而我没有一次屈服于别人的亲切而自己不吃亏的。 另有一个相识，在我一有资格攀附时就成了朋友，他就是杜克洛先生。我第一次见他已经是好几年前的事了，那是在会弗莱特的埃皮奈夫人家里。他和埃皮奈夫人相处得很好。我们不过同过一次席，他当天就走了同“经验的”相对。指先于经验并为构成经验的必要条件的，但是饭后我们谈了一会。埃皮奈夫人早就跟他谈到我，并且谈到我的歌剧《风流诗神》。杜克洛自己太多才了，不会不爱有才的人。他对我早就颇有好感，并且邀我去看他。尽管我对他也早已倾慕，再加上这次见面，但是我的羞涩和疏懒一直使我没去看他，我认为单凭他垂青而自己没有一点表现，是没有资格跟他攀交的。后来我有了初次的成功，他的奖饰之词又传到我的耳中，我受到了鼓励，就去看他，他也来看我。这样我们彼此之间就开始有了交谊，这种交谊使我始终觉得他为人可亲可爱，并且由于这种交谊，我才除了我自己内心所提供的证据之外，知道正直与节操有时是能与文学修养结合在一起的。 还有许多交往，没有那么持久，我在这里就不提了。这些交往都是我初期的成功所带来的结果，等到好奇心一满足，交往也就完结。我本来是个一眼就能看透的人，今天见过我，明天就没有什么新鲜可看了。然而，却有一位夫人这时要和我结识，友情比所有别的女人都维持得长久些：她就是克雷基侯爵夫人，是马耳他大使弗鲁莱大法官先生的侄女，大法官的哥哥就是驻威尼斯大使蒙太居先生的前任，我从威尼斯回来时曾去看过他一次。克雷基夫人写了一封信给我，我就去看她了，她对我很友好。我有时在她家吃饭，在那里认识了好几个文人，其中有梭朗先生，他是和《巴尔恩维尔特》的作者，此后却成了我的极凶恶的敌人，而我就想不出有什么别的原因，除非是因为他的父亲曾很卑鄙地迫害了一个人，而我恰恰就跟这个人同姓。