Chapter 17 Chapter 7-4

Let me conclude now what has been said about M. Montaigu, and say no more.When we had a dispute, I once told him that he should not use a secretary, but only a recorder in charge of the account.Sure enough, he accepted my opinion, and after I left, he really found an accountant to replace me. This accountant stole 20,000 to 30,000 livres from him in less than a year.He drove him off, sent him to prison, and drove off his entourage, and caused a riot and disrepute; Too much, and he was summoned to return to the country, dismissed and returned to the field.Among the reprimands he received from the court, the turmoil he caused with me seems not to have been forgotten.Anyway, shortly after his return he sent his butler to settle the bill with me and pay me.I was waiting for the money to be used, and the debts I owed in Venice were all unsubstantiated friendship accounts, which were always on my mind.I took advantage of the opportunity that came to me and paid off all these debts, including the IOU from Gianetto Nani.Originally, I was paid this time, as much as I liked; after I paid off all my debts, I was the same as before, penniless.However, in the past, it was difficult to lift the debt, but now it is debt-free.From that time until his death, I heard no more of M. de Montaigu, and his death was heard in society.May God forgive the poor man!He is no more fit to be an ambassador than I was to be a suitor when I was a boy.However, that is entirely up to him. With my help, he could have maintained himself in a decent manner, and at the same time, he could have promoted me quickly to the position that Count Gouvon planned to send me when I was a boy. that way.Later, when I was a little older, I could be considered to have the ability to walk this path just because I did it alone.

My pleas with good reasons and no appeals have sown the seeds of indignation in my soul against our foolish social system, in which the true public good and true justice are always an inexplicable Sacrificial to an apparent order which in fact destroys all order except the official authority which sanctions the oppression of the weak and the injustice of the strong.Two reasons prevented this seed of my indignation from developing then as it did later.One reason is that, in the matter in which I am myself a party, self-interest has never produced something great and sublime, unable to excite in me that holy passion which only the purest love of justice and beauty can produce. Inner impulse.Another reason is the magic of friendship, which tempers and calms my anger with a sweeter emotional edge.I once knew a Basque in Venice, who was a friend of Carrillo, and worthy of being the friend of all good people.This lovely young man, endowed with all talents and all virtues, had just completed his tour of Italy for the purpose of cultivating his taste in fine arts, and since he could think of nothing more to learn, he intended to return directly to his country.I told him that for a genius like his, art was only a pastime, and his genius was suited to the study of science.In order to develop a taste for science, I advised him to take a trip to Paris and stay there for six months.He believed me and came to Paris.He was waiting for me when I arrived in Paris.His room was too big for one person, so he asked me to share half of it, and I accepted.I found him feverishly pursuing advanced learning.No knowledge is beyond his power; he devours all, digests all, and progresses swiftly.It turned out that his desire for knowledge disturbed him, but he didn't realize it. How grateful he was to me for enlightening him and providing this food for his spirit!What a treasure of learning and virtue I found in this determined soul!I felt that this was the kind of friend I needed: we became best friends.We have different interests and always argue.They are both stubborn, so they can't agree on anything.However, none of us can do without each other. Although we keep raising arguments, no one wants the other party to be a person who is easy to argue.

Ignacio Emmanuel de Altina is one of those rare characters that only Spain can produce, and it is a pity that Spain has produced so few people who have honored the country.He had not the feverish national sentiment shared by his countrymen, and the idea of ​​vengeance could no more penetrate his mind than lust could penetrate his heart.He is too bold to hold a grudge, and I have often heard him say with great calm that no worldly person can offend his soul.He is romantic and handsome but not lingering.He played with women as he played with pretty children.He liked to be with his friends' mistresses, but he had never seen him have a mistress, nor had he ever thought of finding one.The moral fire that burns in him never allows the fire of passion to come forth in him.

After traveling around the world, he got married.He died young and left several children.I am convinced, and absolutely convinced, that his wife was the first and only woman to whom he experienced the joys of love.Outwardly he treated religion like a Spaniard, but inwardly he was as devout as an angel.Apart from me, I was the only one in my life who respected freedom of belief so much.He never asked anyone's thoughts on religious matters.It did not matter to him whether his friend was a Jew, a Protestant, a Turk, a delusional, or an atheist, so long as the man was a decent man.He is obstinate and tenacious when it comes to irrelevant opinions, but when it comes to religion, or even morality, he is silent, silent, or just say: "I am only responsible to myself." It's unbelievable how detached a human soul can be, yet how uncompromisingly developed the attention to detail is.He allocated his day's schedule according to the hour, moment, and minute, pre-determined usage, and worked strictly on time, so that he would close the book immediately when the clock rang before he finished reading a sentence in the book.He has a use for every moment: thinking, talking, daily service, reading Locke, praying, visiting, making music, making paintings, never disturbing the order by entertainment, lust or perfunctory, only urgent obligations Can mess him up a bit.When he wrote me his timetable so that I could follow it, I laughed at first, and finally wept with admiration.He never interfered with other people's business, and he would not allow others to interfere with his business; when someone disturbed him out of politeness, he treated them harshly.He is short-tempered, but he never fights with others; I often see him angry, but I have never seen him lose his temper.He couldn't have been more pleasant-tempered: he could stand a joke, he liked it himself, and even joked beautifully.He has a gift for one-liners.If anyone aroused his interest, he would shout and make a lot of noise, and his voice could be heard from afar.However, while he was shouting, he was smiling at the same time, and he leaked a half-joke in the excitement to make everyone stunned.He had neither the complexion nor the phlegmatic temperament of a Spaniard.His skin was fair, his cheeks were rosy, and his hair was sorrel and almost golden.He was tall and handsome.The structure of the body is just suitable for housing his soul.

This man, who was as wise in heart as he was in mind, knew people, and he became my friend, and that shows what a man is who is not my friend.We got along so well that we made plans to spend the rest of our lives together.I intend to go to Ascotia in a few years and live with him on his estate.The details of this plan were discussed on the eve of his departure.All that was missing was that element of independence from the will of men which is inevitable even in the most elaborate planning.Subsequent events—my disaster, his marriage, and finally his death—separated us forever. It seems that only the sinister plots of the bad guys succeed, and the benevolent plans of the good guys almost never come to fruition.

I have already tasted the hardship of being dependent on others, and I am determined not to take the risk again.I have seen how many ambitious plans I have made by chance have failed at the outset, and I have been pushed out of a diplomatic career which I have begun so well that I never want to go back, Therefore, I am determined not to depend on anyone anymore, but to maintain my independent life and develop my talents.Now that I've started to get a feel for how much talent I have, I've always underestimated it in the past. I picked up the opera which had been interrupted by the trip to Venice, and in order not to be disturbed, I concentrated on my work, and after leaving Artina I returned to the Hotel Saint-Quentin where I used to live.This hotel is located in a secluded area, not far from the Luxembourg Gardens, which is more likely to guarantee my quiet work than the bustling Rue Saint-Honoré.There, a real solace awaits me.This is the only consolation that God has given me in a life of misery, and it is only because of this consolation that I have been able to bear this misery.This was not a fleeting acquaintance, and I must go into a little more detail about the origin of the acquaintance.

At that time our hotel had a new mistress, an Orleans native.She hired a girl from her hometown, about twenty-two or three years old.Specializes in cleaning and seam work.She is also the same as the hostess.Eat with us at the same table.The girl's name was Thérèse le Vasseur, and she came from a good family.Her father worked at the Mint of Orleans, and her mother was in business.They have many children.When the Orleans Mint went out of business, my father lost his livelihood, and later my mother went bankrupt.When the business failed, he abandoned the business and came to Paris with her husband and daughter, relying on the daughter to work alone to support the whole family.

The first time I saw this girl at the dinner table, I paid special attention to her simple manner, especially her lively and gentle eyes, which I thought were incomparable.At the same table, besides Monsieur Bonnefon, there were several Irish monks and Gascons, and several other such persons.Our mistress had a history of love affairs herself; I was the only one who spoke and behaved with dignity.When others tease that girl, I protect her.Immediately, the sarcasm fell on me.This sympathy, this inconsistency would have interested me even if I had never had any interest in the poor girl.I have always advocated modesty in speech and manner, especially with women.I became her patron openly.I can see that she also feels a lot of concern for me.The gratitude in her eyes and the gratitude she didn't dare to express in her mouth became more touching.

She was shy and so was I.This common temperament seemed to prevent us from falling in love with each other, yet we soon fell in love with each other.The mistress noticed it, and was furious, and all her roughness helped me on the girl's side.Since I was the only supporter in the whole hotel, the girl felt sad when I went out, and wished her protector would come back sooner.Our sympathy, our sympathy, soon produced the usual effect.She thought she saw a righteous man in me; she was right.I think I saw a sentimental, simple and unpretentious woman in her, and I was not wrong.I declare to her in advance that I will never abandon her, and I will never marry her.Love, respect, and sincerity are the reasons for my success; it is also because of her kindness and sincerity that I am not timid in front of women.But achieved satisfactory results.

Her fear that I should not find in her what she thought I was looking for, and that fear of being angry with me, was the chief cause of postponing my happiness.I saw that she was restless, bewildered, and wanted to say something but dared not speak out before she committed herself to me.Absolutely unable to think of the real reason for her embarrassment, I made another guess that was both incorrect and insulting to her character; I thought she was warning me of the danger of disease from contact with her, so I Just thinking about it.These wild thoughts did not deter me from courting her, but for some days they spoiled my happiness.Because we don't know each other at all.So when we talk about this issue, every sentence is a riddle and vague, which is really ridiculous.She almost thought I was totally crazy, and I hardly knew what to think of her.At last we talked: she cried to me that she had made a mistake in her first adulthood, a single mistake, the result of her ignorance and seductive cunning.As soon as I knew the reason, I exclaimed with joy: "Virgins," I exclaimed, "are there any virgins in Paris after twenty! Ah! my Theresa, I do not want to be virgins." Looking for something I didn't even want to look for, but possessing a solid and healthy you, I am very happy."

My original intention was just to find a way to entertain myself.Later I found that I found more than I wanted, and I found myself a partner.As I grew closer to this wonderful woman, and after a little reflection on my situation, I felt that what I was thinking of was simply having fun, and what I was doing was doing a great deal to my happiness. .My ambition was extinguished, and a strong emotion was needed to fill my soul instead.After all, I needed someone to take my mother's place: since I could no longer live with her, I needed someone to live with her pupils and in whom I could find what she had found in me. A kind of simplicity and softness of heart.The sweetness of my private life, of my family life, must compensate for the good fortune I gave up.When I am alone, my heart is empty and needs another heart to fill it.Fate has taken and changed, at least in part, from me the heart for which I was created.From then on, I was alone, because, for me, there was no middle way between having it all and losing it all.In Thérèse I found the substitute I needed; through her I obtained the greatest happiness that circumstances would permit. At first I wanted to cultivate her wit.It turned out to be a waste of time.Her intelligence has been what nature has made her, and neither cultivation nor education can help.I am not ashamed to admit that she never learned to read, even if she could write only so-so.When I later lived on Xinxiao Tianyuan Road, there was a big clock at the Pont-Chatlain Hotel opposite the window, and I spent more than a month teaching her to tell the time.Until now she didn't know much about it.Although I have tried my best to teach her, she has never been confused about the order of the twelve months of the year, or a single number.She can't count money or settle accounts.The words used when speaking are often the opposite of what she wants to say.I once entertained Madame de Luxembourg with a little booklet of the vocabulary she used.Her inappropriate words have become known and known to everyone in the social circles I have lived in.Yet such a dull, if you will, such a fool, was an excellent adviser in difficult situations.In Switzerland, in England, in France, in the great disasters that befell me, she often saw first what I did not see myself, and she gave me many of the best ideas; It was she who pulled me out of danger.In front of the noblest ladies and princes and lords, her feelings, her conscience, her response and her conduct have won her general admiration, and have attracted me many compliments on her merits , and these compliments, I think they are very sincere. Feelings fill the intellect as much as the heart when we are around the one we love, and there is little need for meditation outside of it.I live with my Therese as well as with the most beautiful genius in the world.Her mother, who had been conceited in her early education with the Marchioness of Mombipo, often pretended to be a wit, wanted to guide her daughter, and by her cunning, she spoiled the simplicity of our relationship.I used to have a foolish shame that I dared not take Thérèse out, but I overcame it because I hated her mother's entanglement, and the two of us often went for walks in the country and had snacks, which made me feel. The taste is endless.I saw that she loved me with all her heart, and this increased my tenderness for her.For me, this sweet intimacy is everything: I no longer care about the future, I just want it to be a continuation of the status quo, and I wish nothing else but the status quo. This sustenance makes me feel that any other entertainment is superfluous and tasteless.From then on, I never went anywhere except Theresa's house, which almost became my home.This secluded life was so advantageous to my work that in less than three months the lyrics and music for my opera were complete, leaving only a few accompaniments and alto parts.I hate this kind of mechanical work, so I suggested that Firidore undertake it and share the profits in the future.He came twice and did some alto parts in the Ovid scene.But he is not interested in burying himself in this kind of mechanical work for a profit that is far away or even uncertain.He stopped coming altogether, and I did the drudgery myself. My opera was written, and now the problem was to sell it: that would require me to write another, more difficult opera.In Paris you can't do anything by yourself, isolated from the world.M. Govecourt had introduced me to M. de la Poplinière when he returned from Geneva, and I wanted to use his strength to get ahead.M. de la Poplinière was Rameau's Messinas, Madame Poplinière was Rameau's humble student; There are forces that turn one hand into cloud and turn one's hand into rain.Guessing he would be happy to protect the work of one of his pupils, I thought of showing him mine.But he refused to read it, saying that he couldn't read the score, and it was too difficult to read the score.Mr. La Poplinière said that he could play it for him.And suggested that some musicians be found for me to play a few passages.Of course I can't wait.Rameau also agreed, but he still murmured, saying that a person who did not come from a major, learned music by self-study, and could compose music very well.I quickly picked out the five or six most exciting pieces.They had an ensemble of a dozen or so musicians, and Albert, Berard, and Mademoiselle Bourbonnet sang.As soon as the overture was played, Rameau suggested, with his over-the-top praise, that I might have done it.He showed impatience every time he played a section.But when it came to the song with the highest male voice, the singing was majestic and loud, and the accompaniment was magnificent, he couldn't hold back. He kept calling my name, so rudely that everyone was stunned, and told me that the music he had just heard , part of it was done by an old hand in the music business, and the rest was done by an ignorant person who doesn't understand music at all.One thing is true: the quality of my work varies and is unconventional, sometimes brilliant and sometimes mediocre.A person who relies on his talents for a while without a solid foundation of work will inevitably look like this in his works.Rameau said I was a petty plagiarist, without talent or sense of beauty.Others present, especially the master, didn't think so.M. Richelieu saw M. de la Poplinière a lot at that time, and, as we all know, also Mme. de la Poplinière. Listen, if you are satisfied, I also intend to take it to the palace to perform.My work was performed at the house of Monsieur Bonneval, the master of entertainment, at the court's expense, with chorus and band.The conductor is Frankel.The effect was astounding: Monsieur the Duke kept cheering, and in the Tasso scene, after a chorus, he stood up, came up to me, shook my hand and said, "Monsieur Rousseau, this is refreshing." Harmony. I have never heard anything more beautiful than this. I will take this work to the Palace of Versailles to perform." Madame La Poplinière was present, but said nothing.Although Rameau had been invited, he did not come that day.The next day, Madame de la Poplinière, who received me with great indifference in her dressing-room, deliberately belittled my play, telling me that although at first some ostentation dazzled M. Richelieu For a moment, but then he came to his senses, and she advised me to give my opera no hope.After a while, Monsieur the Duke also arrived, and he said something completely different to me. He complimented my talents and seemed to still intend to present my opera to the king. "Only the scene with Tasso," he said, "can't be performed at the court, it has to be written another scene." Based on this sentence, I ran home and closed the door to revise it. Three weeks later I replaced Tasso. Dropped it, and wrote another scene, the subject of which is Hesiod's revelation by a muse.I have managed to include in this scene part of the development of my talent and the jealousy Rameau actually showed for my talent.The newly written scene is not as unrestrained as Tasso's scene, but it is done in one go.The music is just as elegant, and much better written, and if the other two acts could have matched this one, the whole play would have been well done.However, when I was finishing the play, another job delayed the performance of the opera. During the winter after the Battle of Fontenoy there were many celebrations at Versailles, during which several operas were to be performed at the Petit Stables.Among these operas, Voltaire's play "Princess Navarre" with Rameau's score, this time revised and adapted, renamed "La Mule's Celebration".This new theme requires the replacement of several intersession songs and dances in the original play, and the lyrics and music have to be rewritten.The problem is that it's hard to find someone who can do this double duty.Voltaire was in Lorraine at the time, and both he and Rameau were too busy with the opera "The Temple of Glory."Mr. Richelieu thought of me and suggested that I should be in charge.In order that I might better understand what to do, he sent me poetry and music separately.The first thing I did was to get the original author's permission before modifying the lyrics, so I wrote him a very polite and even respectful letter.The following is his reply, the original is in Letter A, No. 1: December 15, 1745 Sir, you can have both talents that hitherto were impossible to have together. Those are two good reasons for me to admire you; to admire you.I'm sorry for you, because you used both of these talents on a work that is not very worthy of your revision.A few months ago, Monsieur the Duke of Richelieu asked me to draw up in a split second the outlines of several dull and fragmented scenes, which were originally intended to be accompanied by singing and dancing, and these singing and dancing were very inappropriate for these scenes. .I had to do as I was told, and write hastily and badly.I sent this worthless first draft to Monsieur the Duke Richelieu, expecting either to reject it or to revise it again.Fortunately, it is now in your hands, please be absolutely free to control it.All of that, I have long forgotten.It is only a first draft, written in such haste that it is bound to contain errors, and I have no doubt that you have corrected all errors and made up all deficiencies. I also remember that, among the many defects, it is not mentioned in the scenes of the song and dance that the Pomegranate Princess suddenly came to a garden or a palace as soon as she came out of her cell.Since it was not a magician but a Spanish nobleman who gave her the banquet, I felt that nothing could be magical.Sir, I ask you to check this place again, I don't remember very well.Please see if it is necessary to perform the scene where our princess is invited from the prison as soon as the cell door opens to the magnificent palace specially prepared for her.I am well aware that these are of no value at all, and that it is not worth it for a thinking person to take these unnecessary things as serious business; Reasonably done, even in a boring interlude as it should be. I place all my trust in you and Mr. Barlow, and hope to have the honor of thanking you soon.Reply is the eulogy. Please don't be surprised that this letter, compared with the almost defiant letters he wrote to me afterwards, is so polite.He thought that I was gaining popularity in front of M. Richelieu. Everyone knows that he has official tact, and this tact forced him to be more polite to a newcomer until he saw how big the newcomer was. When it comes to impact, it's different. With the permission of M. Voltaire, and without the fear of Rameau, who was intent on doing my harm, I set to work, and finished it in two months.There are not many difficulties in terms of lyrics, I just try to make the difference in style as little as possible.And I'm pretty confident I did it.Music work is more time-consuming and more difficult.In addition to writing several additional transitions including the prelude, all the recitatives I was responsible for organizing were extremely difficult. Many ensembles and choruses had very different keys and had to be connected together, and often they could only be used A few lines and a very quick modulation, for I would not change or move a single piece of Rameau's, lest he accuse me of distorting the original.I finally managed to organize this set of recitatives very successfully. It has a suitable tone, is vigorous and powerful, and especially has a clever turning point.Since they kindly let me combine with two masters, when I think of them, my talent bursts out; At work, I almost always live up to my two role models. The play was rehearsed in the Grand Opera House just as I had arranged it.Of the three authors, I was the only one present.Voltaire was not in Paris, Rameau did not go, or went into hiding. The first monologue is pathetic.The opening sentence is: what!grim Reaper.Come and end this miserable life of mine! Of course with the corresponding music.Madame de la Poplinière, however, criticized me on this point, and said bitterly that I wrote funeral music.M. Richelieu justly said that he would first find out who wrote the libretto for this monologue.I showed him the manuscript he had sent me, which proved to be Voltaire's. "In that case," he said, "the fault lies solely with Voltaire." During the rehearsal, everything I did was criticized by Madame de la Poplinière and defended by M. Richelieu. .However, after all, the opponent I encountered was too strong, and I was notified that there were several places in the composition I needed to revise, and I had to consult Mr. Rameau.I was expecting praise, and I did deserve it, and now I have come to this conclusion.I was so sad that I went home dejected, exhausted, and heartbroken.I fell ill and was unable to leave the house for six weeks. Rameau, who was in charge of the revisions appointed by Madame de la Poplinière, sent for me.To replace my new one with the overture from my grand opera.Fortunately, I sensed his tricks and refused.Because there are only five or six days to perform.It was too late to write another one, so I had to use the overture I wrote.The overture is Italian, a style quite new in France at the time.However, it was appreciated by the audience, and according to my relative and friend Mr. Mushar's son-in-law, Mr. Valmaret, the head of the royal kitchen, the music lovers are very satisfied with my work, and the audience does not recognize it. What I wrote, what Rameau wrote.But Rameau, in collusion with Madame de la Poplinière, tried every means to keep others from knowing that I had a part to play in it.In the pamphlets distributed to the audience, the authors are usually signed one by one, but this pamphlet only signed the name of Voltaire. Rameau would rather not write his name than see me. His name is juxtaposed with his. As soon as I was well enough to go out, I wanted to see M. Richelieu.But it was too late, and he had already left for Dunkirk to direct the landing of troops bound for Scotland.When he came back, I was lazy again, thinking it was too late to go to him now.I have not seen him since, and so I have lost the fame which my work deserved and the reward which it afforded me; my time, my labor, my sorrow, my sickness, And the money that the disease has cost me, I have paid for it all myself, without bringing me a penny in compensation.However, I always felt that M. Richelieu really liked me, he appreciated my talents, but my bad luck, coupled with Madame de la Poplinier, prevented his good intentions from having any effect. . I could not understand why this woman hated me so much, for I had always sought to please her, and had often visited her at the appropriate time.Mr. Govecourt pointed out the whole story. "First of all, she is too friendly with Rameau," he said to me. "She is Rameau's public admirer, and no one will be allowed to compete with him; besides, you have a sin in your life, and she should beat you up." I will never forgive you to the eighteenth level of hell, because you are from Geneva." At this point, he explained to me that Father Hubert was from Geneva and a close friend of Mr. La Poplinier. Efforts had been made to prevent M. de la Poplinière from marrying this woman, because he knew her very well.After her marriage, she hated Father Hubert to the bone, and hated all Genevans. "Although M. de la Poplinière is very friendly to you," he went on, "it seems to me that he cannot be expected to support you. He spoils his wife too much, and his wife hates you, and she both It's sinister and tricky, you and this family can't do it together for the rest of your life." As soon as I heard this, I gave up. At about this time, that is, this Guofuguer gave me a helping hand.My virtuous father had just died, at the age of about sixty.I would have felt a greater sorrow if I had not been so overwhelmed by the hardships of the situation.During his lifetime, I did not want to claim the remainder of my mother's estate, the meager proceeds of which he enjoyed all the time.Now that he's dead, I don't have to worry about it.However, my brother's death was not legally certified, which created an obstacle for me to receive the inheritance.Goofgur promised to solve the puzzle for me.With the help of Lawyer Lolm, the problem was really solved.As I was in great need of this small sum of money, and the course of events was still unknown, I awaited the last news with the utmost urgency.One night when I came back from outside, I received a letter with the news. I picked up the letter and wanted to open it. My hands were shaking with anxiety, but I was ashamed of my haste. "Why!" said I, contemptuously, "has Jean-Jacques been so overpowered by interest and curiosity?" Immediately I put the letter on the mantelpiece, undressed, and quietly Go to sleep, sleep more soundly than usual.I got up rather late the next morning, and thought no more of my letter.As I was dressing, I saw the letter again, and I unhurriedly opened it to find a check inside.I have several pleasures at the same time, but I can swear that the greatest joy is that I have restrained myself.I can mention this kind of self-restraint in my life no less than dozens of times, but now I am short of time, so I can't list them all.I sent a small portion of this money to my poor mother, and I am weeping as I recall the happy times when I gave the whole sum to my hands.The envelopes she gave me made me feel her desperate predicament.She sent me piles of recipes and tips that I could use to get rich and do her good.The feeling of poverty has made her unable to broaden her mind and mind.The little money I sent her was again the spoils of the rascals who surrounded her.She doesn't enjoy it at all.It discouraged me, and I couldn't give the rascals what I needed to live on, especially after I tried in vain to free her from their siege.This, what I will talk about below. As the years passed, so did the money.我们是两个人生活，甚至是四个人生活，更正确点说，我们是七、八个人生活。因为，虽然戴莱丝无与伦比地淡于私利，而她的母亲却和她不一样。她一看我帮了她的忙，家境稍微好一点，就把全家都找来分享成果了。姊妹呀、儿女呀、孙女呀、外甥女呀，一窝蜂都来了，只有她的长女，嫁给昂热城车马行老板的，没有来。我为戴莱丝置备的一切都被她母亲拿去供给那群饿鬼了。因为跟我打交道的不是一个贪财的女子，我自己也不受疯狂的爱情的摆布，所以我也不做傻事。戴莱丝的生活能够维持得象个样儿而不奢华，能够应付急需，我就满足了，我同意她把她的工作收入全部归她母亲享用，而且我帮的忙还不只这一点。可是恶运者是跟着我，妈妈既被她那些吸血鬼缠住了，戴莱丝又被她一家人缠住了。她们两个人，谁也享受不到我为她们提供的好处。说起来也真奇怪，戴莱丝是勒·瓦瑟太太最小的女儿，在姊妹中就数她一个人没有得到父母的嫁妆，现在却是她一个人供养着父母。这可怜的孩子，长久挨哥哥们和姐姐们的打，乃至侄女和外甥女的打，现在又接到她们的劫掠了。她往日不能抵抗他们和她们的打骂，现在还是不能抵抗他们和她们的巧取豪夺。只有一个外甥女，叫作戈东·勒迪克的，还比较和蔼可亲，性情温和，不过看到别人的榜样，听到别人的教唆，也变坏了。由于我常跟她们俩在一起，也就用她们间相互的称呼来称呼她们，我叫戈东“外甥女”，叫戴莱丝“姨妈”。这就是我一直称戴莱丝为“姨妈”的由来，我的朋友们有时也就跟着叫她“姨妈”来开玩笑。 谁都感觉到，在这样的情况下，我是刻不容缓地急于摆脱困境。我估计黎希留先生已经把我忘了，从宫廷方面是没有指望的了，便作了几次尝试，看看我的歌剧能不能在巴黎演出。但是我遇到许多困难，需要很长的时间才能克服，而我的处境又一天比一天紧迫。于是我就想起把我那部小喜剧《纳尔西斯》送到意大利剧院去。结果它被接受了，我得到一张长期入场券，使我很高兴。但也不过如此而已。我天天走访演员们，路跑厌了，但怎么也不能使它演出，所以干脆就不去了。我又回到最后剩下的一条门路，也是我原该走的唯一的门路。当我常往拉·波普利尼埃尔先生家跑的时候，就把杜宾先生家疏远了。两家的夫人虽然是亲戚，却相处得并不好，彼此不见面。两家的客人也各不相通，只有蒂埃利约往两家都跑。他受托要设法把我拉回到杜宾先生家去。那时，弗兰格耶先生正在学博物学和化学，办了一个陈列室。我相信他是想进学士院当院士的，为此，他就需要著一本书，认为我在这方面可能对他有点用处。杜宾夫人那边呢，他也想写一本书，在我身上打着差不多同样的主意。他们俩很想合聘我担任一种秘书的职务，这就是蒂埃利约责怪我不去登门的理由。我首先要求弗兰格耶先生利用他和热利约特的力量把我的作品拿到歌剧院去排演。He agreed.结果《风流诗神》有了排演的机会，先在后台，后在大剧院，排了好几次。彩排那一天，观众很多，有好几段都得到了热烈喝彩。然而，我自己在勒贝尔指挥得很不好的那个演奏过程中，感觉到这个剧本是通不过的，甚至不经重大修改就不能演出。因此我没说一句话就把剧本收回了，免得遭人拒绝；但是，有好些迹象使我清楚地看出，纵然剧本尽善尽美，也还是通过不了。弗兰格耶先生明明白白答应我使剧本有机会排演，而不是使它有机会演出。他的确实践了他的诺言。我始终觉得，在这件事上和在许多别的事上，都看出他和杜宾夫人不想让我在社会上成名，也许是因为怕人家在看到他们的著作时，猜疑他们是把我的才能移花接木接到他们的才能上的。然而，杜宾夫人一直认为我的才能有限，而且她利用我的地方，始终也只是要我照她的口述作点笔录，或者叫我找点纯属参考性质的资料，因此，如果出现这种谴责，特别是对她来说，似乎又有失公平。 这最后一次的失败使我完全泄气了。我放弃了任何进取和成名的计划；从此以后再也不想什么才能不才能了。这些才能，我真有也好，假有也好，反正都不能叫我走运，我只有把时间和精力用来维持我自己和戴莱丝的生活，谁能帮助我们，我就讨谁的欢心。因此，我就全心全意地跟着杜宾夫人和弗兰格耶先生了。这并不能使我过得很富裕，就拿我头两年每年所得的那八、九百法郎来说，这笔钱只能勉强维持我最基本的生活，因为我不能不在他们家附近——房租相当高的地区——租公寓住下，另一方面还要在位于巴黎边缘的圣雅克路的尽头另付一笔房租，而不论阴晴，我差不多每晚都要到那里去吃饭。不久我也就习惯了，甚至对我这种新的工作还发生了兴趣。我爱上了化学，跟弗兰格耶先生到鲁埃尔先生家听了好几次课，于是我们就对粗知其皮毛的这门科学不识好歹地开始涂写起来。一七四七年，我们到都兰去度秋季，住在舍农索府，这座府第是歇尔河上的离宫，是亨利二世为狄雅娜·德·普瓦提埃盖的，用她姓名起首字母组成的图案还依稀可见。现在这座府第归包税人杜宾先生所有了。在这个秀丽的地方，我们尽情欢乐，吃得也极好：我胖得象个僧侣了。我们在那里大搞其音乐。我写了好几首三重唱，都相当和谐。如果将来有机会写补篇的话，也许还要再提一提的。我们在那里还演喜剧。我用十五天时间写了一部三幕剧，名叫《冒昧订约》。读者在我的文稿中可以看到这个剧本，它别无所长，只是欢情洋溢而已。我在那里还写了几篇小作品，其中有一篇诗剧，题为《西尔维的幽径》，这本是沿着歇尔河的那片园子里的一条小径的名字。我搞了这些东西，并没有中断我在化学方面的工作和我在杜宾夫人身边所担任的工作。 当我在舍农索发胖的时候，我那可怜的戴莱丝也在巴黎发胖了，虽然那是另一种胖；我回巴黎时发现我干的那档子事竟比我原来设想的快得多。以我当时的处境而论；这事会使我尴尬万分的，幸亏同桌吃饭的伙伴们早给我想出了唯一能使我摆脱困境的办法。这是一个重要的情况，我不能叙述得过于简略。在说明这件事情的时候，我要么为自己辩解，要么引咎自责，而两者都不是我现在应该做的。 在阿尔蒂纳逗留巴黎期间，我们不在馆子里用餐；通常都是在附近，差不多就在歌剧院那条死胡同对面的一个裁缝的女人拉·赛尔大娘家里吃包饭。这里伙食相当糟，不过由于包饭的人都是可靠的正派人，仍然很受人欢迎。她家不接受生客，要包饭必须有一个老膳友介绍。格拉维尔骑士是个老放荡汉，很有礼貌又很有才情，但是说起话来荤味十足，他就住在那家，招来一批嘻嘻哈哈、派头十足的青年人，都是警卫队和枪兵队里的军官。诺南骑士是歌剧院全体舞女的保护人，天天把这个美人窝的全部消息带到包饭馆里来。迪普莱西斯先生是退休陆军中校，是位善良而贤哲的老人，还有安斯莱，是枪兵队的军官，他们俩在这班青年人中间维持一点秩序。来包饭的也有商人、金融界的人、粮商，但是都有礼貌，很正派，都是各行业的头面人物：如贝斯先生、福尔卡德先生，还有许多人的名字，我都忘记了。总之，在那个包饭馆里，人们遇到各行各业的象样的人物，只有教士和司法界人士例外，我从来没有在那里见过；而这也是大家的一种默契，不要把这种人介绍进来。这一席人，人数相当多，都是极快乐而又不喧哗，常说笑话却又不粗俗。那个老骑士，尽管讲他那许许多多的故事，内容都是近乎淫猥的，却从来不失他那种旧朝廷上的文雅风度，从他嘴里讲出来的每一句有伤风化的话都是妙趣横生，连女人也可以原谅的。他的谈话给同桌的定下调子：所有那些青年人都各说自己的艳遇，既放肆又有风趣。姑娘的故事当然是少不了的，特别因为到拉·赛尔大娘家那条巷子正对着迪夏大娘的铺子，而迪夏大娘又是个著名的时装商人，当时店里有许多漂亮姑娘，我们这些先生们饭前饭后总要去和她们聊聊。我如果胆子大一点的话，一定也会和他们一样上那里去寻开心的，只要跟他们一起进去就成了，可我从来也不敢。至于拉·赛尔大娘，我在阿尔蒂纳走后还常到她家吃饭。我在那里听到大堆的轶事，十分有趣，同时也就渐渐学会了——谢天谢地，倒不是他们的生活习惯，而是他们的那些处世箴言。受害的体面人物、带绿帽子的丈夫、被诱奸的女人、私下生的孩子——这些都是那儿最普通的话题。谁最能叫育婴堂添丁进口，谁就最受人喝彩。我也受到了感染：我也接受了在十分亲切而且十分体面的人物中间盛行的那种想法。我心想：“既然当地的风俗如此，一个人生活在这里，当然就可以照此办理。”这正是此时我要找的出路。我就下决心采取这个办法，轻松愉快，毫无顾忌，唯一要克服的倒是戴莱丝的顾忌，我说得舌敝唇焦，她总是不肯采取这唯一能保全她面子的办法。她的母亲也怕有了孩子给她添麻烦，就来帮我说话，结果她被说服了。我们找了个稳当可靠的接生婆，叫古安小姐的，住在圣·欧斯塔什街的尽头，把这件事托了她。到时候，戴莱丝就由她母亲带到古安家去分娩了。我到古安家去看了她好几次，带给她一个标记，写在卡片上，一式两份，拿一份放在婴儿的襁褓里，由接生婆按通常的方式把他送到育婴堂去了。第二年，同样的岔子，同样的办法，只是标记给忘掉了。我依然未多考虑，她依然不太赞同：她只是叹息着答应了。人们将陆续看到这种不幸的行为在我的思想上和命运上所产生的种种变故。至于目前，就叙述到这第一阶段为止吧。至于它的后果，既非我始料所及，且又非常惨痛，将迫使我时常回头谈到这个问题。 我要在这里说一说我初次认识埃皮奈夫人的情况，她的名字将在这部回忆录里常常出现：她原名埃斯克拉威尔小姐，刚和包税人拉利夫·德·贝尔加尔德先生的儿子埃皮奈先生结婚。她的丈夫跟弗兰格耶先生一样，是音乐家，她本人也是音乐家，而对这门艺术的癖好就使得这三个人变得亲密无间了。弗兰格耶先生把我介绍到埃皮奈夫人家里，我和他有时也一同在她家晚餐。她亲切，机智，多才多艺，和她结识当然是件好事。但是她有个朋友叫埃特小姐，人家都说她心眼儿坏，她和瓦罗利骑士同居，这骑士名声也不好。我相信，同这两个人的交往对埃皮奈夫人是有害的。埃皮奈夫人虽然赋性极好苛求，却生来有些绝好的优点，足以控制或弥补做得过头的事情。弗兰格耶先生对我很好，因而使得她对我也有些友好。他坦白地告诉我说他和她有关系，这种关系，如果不是它已经成了公开的秘密，连埃皮奈先生也都知道了，我在这里本来是不会说的。弗兰格耶先生甚至还对我说了关于这位夫人的一些很离奇的隐私。这些隐私，她自己从来也没有对我说过，也从来不以为我会知道，因为我没有、并且这一辈子也不会对她或对任何人说起的。这种双方对我的信任使得我的处境非常尴尬，特别是在弗兰格耶夫人面前，因为她深知我的为人，虽然知道我跟她的情敌有来往，对我还是很信任。我极力安慰这个可怜的女人，她的丈夫显然是辜负了她对他的爱情的。这三个人说什么，我都不给串通，十分忠实地保守着他们的秘密，三人中不论哪一个也不能从我口里套出另两个人的秘密来，同时我对那两个女人中不论哪一个也不隐瞒我和对方的交谊。弗兰格耶夫人想利用我做许许多多的事，都被我严词拒绝了；埃皮奈夫人有一次想托我带封信给弗兰格耶，不但同样受到严词拒绝，并且我还直截了当地声明，如果她想把我永远赶出她的大门，她只消向我再提出这样一个请求就行了。应该为埃皮奈夫人说句公道话：我这种态度不但没有使她不快，她还把这事对弗兰格耶说了，对我夸奖备至，而且继续款待我。这三个人我都是要敷衍的，我多多少少是倚仗着他们，同时也是依恋着他们的。在这三个人的风波险恶的关系中，我就是这样做得既得体又殷勤，但又始终是既正直又坚定，所以我把他们对我的友谊、尊敬和信任，一直维持到底。尽管我又蠢又笨，埃皮奈夫人还要把我拉进舍弗来特俱乐部，这是圣·德尼附近的一座公馆，是贝尔加尔德先生的产业。那里有个舞台，时常演戏。他们要我也担任一个角色，我背台词一连背了六个月，上了台还是从头到尾都要人提词。经过这次考验，他们再也不叫我演戏了。 我认识了埃皮奈夫人，同时也就认识了她的小姑子，贝尔加尔德小姐，她不久之后成了乌德托伯爵夫人。我第一次见她，正是在她结婚的前夕；她领我去看她的新房，并且以她那与生俱来的媚人的亲昵态度跟我谈了很久。我觉得她非常亲切，但是我万想不到这个年青女人竟有一天会主宰着我一生的命运，并且，尽管她不负任何责任，却把我拖进了我今天所处的这个无底深渊。 虽然我从威尼斯回来以后一直没有谈到狄德罗，也没有谈到我的朋友罗甘，但是我并没有疏远他们两人，特别是和狄德罗的交谊更一天比一天亲密起来。我有个戴莱丝，他有个纳内特；这使我们两个人之间又多了一个相同之处。但不同的是：我的戴莱丝长得虽然跟他的纳内特一样好看，却脾气温和，性情可爱，值得一个有教养的人去爱她；而他那个纳内特却是个粗野撒赖的泼妇，在别人眼里表现不出一点温文尔雅，足以补偿她所受的那种不良教育。然而他却和她正式结婚了。如果他是有约在先的话，这当然很好。至于我，我却不曾许下这样的愿，我不急于学他的榜样。 我也早已和孔狄亚克神父结识了，他当时跟我一样，在文坛上是个无名小卒，但是已经具备了今日成名的条件。我也许是看出他的禀赋、认识他的价值的第一个人。他似乎也很乐意和我来往，当我住在让·圣德尼路歌剧院附近关起房门写赫希俄德那一幕戏的时候，他有时来和我面对面一起吃饭。他当时正在写《论人类知识之起源》，这是他第一部著作。写完了的时候，他很难找到一个书商肯承印这本书。巴黎书商对任何新手都是傲慢而刁难的，而形而上学在当时又很不时髦，不是一个很有吸引力的题材。我对狄德罗谈起了孔狄亚克和他的著作；我给他们介绍认识了。他们俩生来就是应该彼此相投的，果然一见如故。狄德罗要书商迪朗接受了神父的手稿，因而这位大玄学家从他这第一本书得到了一百埃居的稿费——简直象是得了一笔恩赏。就连这点稿费，要是没有我，也许还到不了手呢。我们三个人住得很远，就每星期在王宫广场聚会一次，一起到花篮饭店去吃饭。这种每周一次的小聚餐很合狄德罗的心意，因为他这个人差不多是有约必爽的，对这个约会却从来没有爽过一次。我在这一聚会中订了一个出期刊的计划，命名为《笑骂者》，由狄德罗和我两人轮流执笔。我草草编了第一期，这就使我跟达朗贝认识了，因为狄德罗跟他谈起了这件事。由于有些意外事件出来挡道，这个计划也就寿终正寝了。 这两位作家刚刚着手编《百科辞典》，开头只准备把钱伯斯的翻译过来，就跟狄德罗刚译完的那部詹姆士的《医学辞典》差不多。狄德罗要我给这第二桩事业帮点忙，建议我写音乐部分，我答应了。他对所有参加这项工作的作家都只给三个月的限期，我就在这三个月限期内很仓卒、很潦草地写成了。但是我是唯一如期完稿的人。我把我的手稿交给他了。这个手稿是我叫弗兰格耶先生的一个名叫杜邦的仆人誊清的，他写得一手好字，我从自己腰包里掏了十埃居给他。这十埃居一直没有人还我。狄德罗曾代表书商方面答应给我报酬，后来他一直没有再提，我也没有向他开口。 《百科全书》的工作由于他的入狱被打断了。他的《哲学思想录》给他招来过一些麻烦，但是后来也没有什么了不起的下文。这次《论盲人书简》就不同了。这本书除了几句涉及私人的话以外，丝毫没有什么可责难的，可就是这几句话得罪了迪普雷·德·圣摩尔夫人和雷奥米尔先生，为此，他被关进了范塞纳监狱。我朋友的不幸令我感到的焦急是永远也无法形容的。我那易于伤感的想象力老是把坏事想得更坏，这次可就慌起来了。我以为他要在那里关一辈子。我几乎急疯了，就写信给蓬巴杜尔夫人，恳求她说情把他放出来，或者设法把我和他关在一起。我没有得到任何答复：我的信写得太不理智了，当然不能产生任何效果。不多时以后，可怜的狄德罗在监狱中倒是得到了若干优待，对此我绝不自诩是由于我的信的缘故。但是如果他在监狱中的生活还象原来那样严厉的话，我相信我会伤心得在那座该死的监狱墙根下死去的。此外，我的信固然没有产生什么效果，我也没有拿这封信去到处吹嘘，因为我只对很少很少的人提起过，而且从来没有告诉过狄德罗本人。