Chapter 16 Chapter 7-3

His Excellency the Ambassador did not eat dinner in the hall, the entourage and I had a separate table in the evening, and Father Binnes and the novice entourage also shared our meal with us.Even in the humblest small restaurants, the seats are arranged cleaner and more neatly, the tablecloths are less dirty, and the food is better.All we had was a dirty little candle, a tin saucer, and an iron fork.It's okay to eat at home anyway, but even my special gondola has been cancelled.Among all the secretaries of the embassy, ​​I am the only one who has to rent a gondola temporarily, otherwise I have to walk. From then on, except to the Senate, I have no servants of the six envoys to accompany me.Moreover, the whole city knows what happened in the embassy.All the officials under the ambassador shouted.Although it was all caused by Dominic, he yelled louder than anyone else, because he knew that I was more embarrassed than anyone by the indecent treatment we were being treated.I am the only one in the entire embassy who refuses to expose my family ugliness, but I expressed my strong dissatisfaction in front of the ambassador. I blame the rest of the people, as well as him, but he, out of his filthy soul, gives me a lot every day. Here comes a new insult.In order not to be dwarfed by the secretaries of other embassies, and to save face for my position, I had to spend more, and my salary could not save a penny.Whenever I asked him for money, he would tell me how much he valued me, how much he trusted me, as if trust would fill my pockets for all my expenses.

Those two rascals at last completely turned the head of their not-so-sane master by encouraging him to go on and on with his second-hand trades, which cost him his fortune, and which were obviously fraudulent, and which they persuaded him to believe were money-making. transaction.They made him pay double the price for a villa on the banks of the Brenta, and they divided the extra money equally with the owner.The rooms in the villa were inlaid with tiles according to the local custom, and decorated with beautiful marble columns and square pillars, but M. de Montaigu spent a lot of money to have all these covered with fir boards, and the only reason was that in Paris. The walls of the rooms are clad with wainscoting.He was the only one among the ambassadors at Venice who did not allow his cadets to wear swords, and his bodyguards not to carry the batons, for similar reasons.He was such a man that he, perhaps from the same motives, regarded me as a thorn in the side, the only reason being my faithful service to him.

I patiently endured his dislikes, his irascibility, his abuse, as long as I thought it was a matter of temper rather than hatred.But as soon as I discovered that he intended to deprive me of the honour, which I had earned for my good service, I resolved not to bear it any longer.The first time I experienced his bad intentions was when he entertained the Duke of Modena and his family who were in Venice at that time.He informed me that there was no place for me at the banquet.Although I was not angry, I replied with displeasure that since I am honored to dine with the ambassador every day, it is the Duke of Modena who personally asked me not to dine with him when he came to the embassy, ​​for the dignity of the ambassador and the dignity of my own position , his request should also be rejected. "Why!" he said to me threateningly, "my secretary, who is not even a nobleman, wants to sit with a head of state? None of my entourage is seated." "Yes, sir," I retorted. Say, "The position Your Excellency has placed upon me ennobles me, and as long as I hold it, I am one rank above your entourage, whether noble or professed. I can participate where they cannot. It’s not that you don’t know that on the day when you officially return to court in the future, it is stipulated in rituals and customs since ancient times that I have to wear a tuxedo and follow you. It is also an honor to sit with you at the banquet given by St. Mark’s official. I will not I understand that one can and should attend the public dinner of the Head of Venice and the Senate, but why should one not attend the private dinner in honor of the Duke of Modena." Although my reasons were irrefutable, the ambassador refused to budge.However, we did not have the opportunity to argue again, because the Duke of Modena did not come to the embassy for dinner.

From then on, he continued to make me uncomfortable, to treat me unfairly, and to try to deprive me of many of the petty privileges of my position and give them to his dear Vitaly.I am sure that if he had the nerve to send him to the Senate in my stead, he would do so.He usually had Father Binnes write his private letters in his study, and now he had him write the report on Captain Olivier's case to M. Morbat.I was the only one involved in the case, and he didn't mention me in the report, and he didn't even say that the copy of the transcript attached to the report was written by me. Er didn't even say a word.He wanted to humiliate me, to please his favorite, not to get rid of me.He also felt that it would not be as easy to find someone to replace me as it was to replace Flo.Frow had already spread the word about him.He absolutely needs a secretary who understands Italian, because the replies of the Senate are all written in Italian; this secretary can also handle documents and affairs for him, without him worrying at all, and besides good service, plus Obsequious flattery to his worthless gentlemen of the entourage.Therefore, he wanted to keep me, but also punished me, detaining me in a place far away from my homeland and his homeland, without travel expenses to go back.Maybe he'll get his way if he plays it mildly.However, Vitali had ulterior motives. He wanted to force me to make up my mind, and he finally got his wish.When I found out that all my hard work was in vain, and the ambassador saw that I was serving him, he didn't take it as a favor, but as a hatred. All I can hope for from him in the future is only unhappiness inside the embassy, ​​and injustice outside the embassy. I have made myself notorious everywhere, it is not good for me to hurt me, and it is not good for me to treat me well, so I made up my mind to ask him for a long vacation, and at the same time leave him time to find another secretary.He was noncommittal about my resignation and it was business as usual.I don’t see any improvement in the situation, and he didn’t take the initiative to find someone to take over, so he wrote to his brother, explaining the motive in detail, asking him to ask the ambassador to grant me a long vacation, and saying that I can’t stay any longer .I waited a long time without a reply, and I began to feel embarrassed.But at last the ambassador got a letter from his brother, which must have been very badly worded, for although he was very idiotic, I never saw him so violent.He yelled at me with nasty words, and then, not knowing what else to say, he said that I had betrayed his code.I laughed and asked him sarcastically if he believed that there could be a fool in all Venice who would pay a crown for such a thing.This answer made him froth with anger, and he pretended to call his servant to come, saying that he was going to throw me out of the window.Up to that point, I had been quite calm, but at the threat I also became angry and indignant.I ran to the door, pulled the latch, and locked the door from the inside, then sauntered back to him and said to him: "Don't do that, Monsieur Earl, your servant needn't bother with this matter, let the two of us Come and deal with it." My action and my attitude immediately calmed him down: his demeanor showed his surprise and fear.Seeing that his anger had subsided, I bade him good-bye with a few short words, and then, without waiting for an answer, I went and opened the door, stepped out, and passed proudly through the throng of his servants.The servants stood up as usual, and it seemed that they would beat him for me rather than beat me for him.Instead of going upstairs to my room, I immediately went down the stairs and left the embassy in no time, never to return.

I went straight to M. Le Blon's house and explained the events to him.He wasn't too surprised, he knew what an ambassador was like.He treated me to lunch, which, though impromptu, was exquisite.All the respectable Frenchmen in Venice were present, but none of the ambassador's.The consul told everyone about me.After hearing this narration, everyone cried out in unison, which of course was not from His Excellency the Ambassador of Sympathy.Your Excellency the Ambassador didn't settle the bill with me, and didn't give me half a penny. I only have a few louis with me, and the travel expenses for the return trip are a problem.At this time, everyone gave a helping hand, and I took about twenty siquins from M. Le Bron, and the same amount from M. Saint-Cyr.Apart from Le Blond, I have the closest relationship with M. Saint-Cyr.I declined help from all others.While waiting to depart, I stayed with the secretary of the consulate in order to prove to society that the country of France was not an accomplice to the ambassador's injustices.The ambassador, seeing that I was welcome by everyone in spite of my misfortune, and that he, in spite of being an ambassador, was neglected, became so enraged that he completely lost his mind, and behaved like a madman.In disregard of decency, he sent a memorandum to the Senate requesting my arrest.As soon as I received this news from Father Binnes, I resolved to stay fifteen more days, instead of departing on the third day, as I had originally planned.Everyone has seen my approach and they all agree with it. I have received unanimous admiration from the society.The lords of the senate despised the ambassador's inexplicable memorandum to answer, and asked the consul to tell me that I could stay in Venice as long as I liked, without worrying about the activities of a madman.I went to see my friends as usual: I went to bid farewell to the Spanish Ambassador, who received me very well; I went to the Count Finocetti, the Minister of Naples, who was not at home, so I wrote him a letter, and he returned. A very kind letter from me.At last I set off, and although I was very poor, I left no other debts, except the two loans mentioned above and some fifty crowns from another merchant named Morandi, which was owed, Liyo was responsible for repaying it for me. Although we often met later, I did not repay Carrio; as for the two loans mentioned above, I paid them off in full as soon as possible.

I cannot leave Venice without speaking of the famous amusements of that city, at least of the small part which I attended during my sojourn.The reader has seen that, in my boyhood, I had very little pursuit of those pleasures which are peculiarly good for this age, or at least very little of what is commonly called youthful pleasure.My stay in Venice did not alter my inclinations; the busyness of my business made it impossible for me to seek pleasure, but it made me more interested in what I thought were simple pastimes.The first pastime, and at the same time the happiest, was the acquaintance of such intellectuals as Le Bron, Saint-Cyr, Carrillo, and Altina.There is also a gentleman from Forlane, whose name I am very sorry to forget, but whose lovely appearance, I cannot be moved by every thought: of all the people I have known in my life, his heart was The most connected to me.We also got close with two or three Brits who were brilliant, knowledgeable, and as passionate about music as we were.These gentlemen have their wives, girlfriends, or mistresses; these mistresses are almost all educated women, and everyone sings and dances in their homes.We also gambled in their house, but very infrequently, and the strong sense of beauty, artistic talent, and appreciation of the theater made us feel that the entertainment of gambling was too dull.Gambling is just a pastime for lonely and bored people.In Paris, people have a prejudice against Italian music, and I have brought this prejudice from Paris, but I have also inherited from nature a sensitivity that can destroy all prejudices.It was not long before I developed the love for Italian music that it arouses in the hearts of those who know it.When I listened to the Venetian gondolier, I thought I had never heard it sung before.Soon, I became so obsessed with the opera that when I wanted to listen to the performance, I would often sneak away from my playmates and run aside when I was impatient with others talking, laughing, eating, and frolicking in the box.I shut myself up in my box and enjoyed listening to the song to the fullest, even though the opera was very long, I listened to it till the end.One day, at the St. Chrysostom, I fell asleep more soundly than in bed.Loud and loud songs can't wake me up.But who can express the sweet feeling of the song that woke me up, its sweet harmonies, its angelic voice?What a blissful awakening, what an intoxicating bliss, what a state of ecstasy, when I opened my ears and opened my eyes at the same time!My first feeling was that I was in heaven.This charming song, which I remember now and never forget, began thus;

Conservamilabella Chesim' accendei locr. I wanted the score of this song, got it shortly after, and kept it for a long time, but the music on the paper is not the same as the one in the heart.The notes are the same, but the rhymes are different.This wonderful piece of music can only be played in my head forever, just as it played the day it woke me up. There is another kind of music that I think is better than that of the opera house, not only in Italy, but also in the whole world, and that is the music of scuole.The so-called scuole refers to some charitable schools that specialize in educating poor girls. After they are raised, they will be funded by the Republic, or they will marry or enter a monastery.Among the arts taught to these girls, music takes the lead.Every Sunday, in each church of the four schools, there is a sacred song during the evening class, played by a large chorus and orchestra, the players and conductors are the first-class masters in Italy, and the singers stand The fenced stage was full of girls, the oldest not yet twenty years old.I really can't imagine anything that can be as pleasant and moving as this music: the richness of content, the elegance of the singing, the beauty of the voice, and the accuracy of the performance, all of these combine to give people an impression, of course not so religious. Coordination, but I believe that no one's heart can not be moved.Carrillo and I never missed an evening class at the Manticondi school, and it wasn't just the two of us who attended each time.That church was full of musical audiences, and even opera actors came to develop their true tastes on these marvelous specimens.What disappoints me the most is that hateful fence, which only emits singing, but does not let me see those gods whose appearance is comparable to singing.I keep yelling like that.One day I talked about this again at Mr. Le Blon's house, and he said to me: "If you are so curious, you must look at those little girls, your wishes are easy to satisfy. I am this One of the directors of the school, I want to invite you to have snacks with them in the school." If he doesn't keep the promise, I won't let him rest for a day.When I entered the salon that housed the beauties I had longed for, I felt a rush of love that I had never felt before.M. Le Blond introduced me to those famous singers, all of whom I only knew by name. "Come on, Sophie..." Sophie looked disgusting. "Come on, Katina..." Katina has only one eye. "Come on, Bai Tina..." Bai Tina had pockmarks on her face.There is hardly a girl without obvious defects.My torturer friend laughed to himself when he saw my astonishment and embarrassment.However, I think there are also two or three that are decently long, but they are all just singing in the chorus.I am so disappointed.During afternoon tea, they were teased to play, and they all became happy.Usually, being ugly doesn't preclude being attractive, and I've found them both to be attractive.I thought to myself, "You can't sing like this without a soul, they have souls." In the end, I changed my mind about them so much that I fell in love with almost all the ugly girls when I went out.I was afraid to go to their evening classes anymore, but listening to them reassured me.I still think their singing is beautiful, and their voices hide their faces so much that whenever they are singing, I always insist on imagining them as fairies, regardless of the impression my eyes get.

Listening to music is so cheap in Italy that you can listen to it as long as you like it.I rented a piano, and for a small crown, I had four or five musicians come to my house once a week, and practice with them my favorite songs at the opera.I also tried out a few passages of my ensemble piece in "The Merry Poet" at home.Maybe they are really nice, maybe someone wants to flatter me, and the ballet dancer at the St. Chrysostom opera sent me two.I was delighted to hear these two songs performed by that wonderful band and danced by a little girl named Bai Tina.This little Baitina was very pretty, a very sweet girl, who had been raised by one of our friends, a Spaniard, Faguaga, and we used to spend our evenings at her house.

But when it comes to women, one cannot be spotless in a city like Venice.Someone may ask me: Do you have nothing to repent in this respect?Yes, I was about to say something.I will confess with the same candor I have. I have always hated prostitutes, but I had no chance of contacting other women in Venice at that time. Due to my job relationship, most of the local families refused to care about them.M. Le Blond's daughters are lovely, but unapproachable, and I respect their father and mother too much to dare to think of them.I was more attracted to a girl named Mademoiselle Cattanio, daughter of the King of Prussia's envoy, but Carriot was already in love with her, and even talked of marriage.He is rich, and I am pauper; his salary is a hundred louis, and I have only a hundred pistols; except that I do not want to poach my friends, I know that wherever, especially In Venice, a man with such a penny as me should not interfere in the affairs of the world.I had not yet shaken off the injurious habit of deceiving myself; and I was too busy to have such a need as the local weather aroused, so that I was in Venice for nearly a year, all the same as I used to I was as honest as I was in Paris, and by the time I left here eighteen months later, except for the two special occasions described below, I had no contact with the opposite sex.

The first opportunity was given to me by the gentleman Vitali, shortly after I forced him to give me a formal apology.One day, when we were at table talking about the pastimes of Venice, the gentlemen reproached me for being so indifferent to one of the most amusing of all pastimes, boasting of the charms of Venetian whores, and saying that the whole world never No whore can be found to compare with them.Dominic said that I must meet the cutest one among them, and said that he would take me there and keep me satisfied.I laughed at his gallantry; and the Count Piati, who was an older and respectable man, said with a frankness I did not expect from an Italian, that he Think I'm smart enough to never let my enemies take me to whorehouses.The same is true in reality, I have neither the intention nor the desire.However, in spite of this, I finally let him drag it off, through an ambivalence that even I couldn't understand.This is not in my interest, not in my mood, not in my reason, and even against my will, all because of a momentary weakness, afraid of showing suspicion of others, as the locals say, Pernon Parertropocoglione ( so as not to appear too stupid).The Padua girl we visited was pretty, even beautiful, but not in the way I liked.Dominique left me at her house.I sent for some iced sobes and told her to sing, and half an hour later I had a Ducato on the table and was about to walk away.But her psychology is very strange, and she will not accept this Ducato without paying the price, and I am so stupid that I accept her price so that she will not feel bad.When I got back to the embassy, ​​I was convinced that I had syphilis, so the first thing I did when I came in was to send someone to the surgeon and ask him for medicine.During the three weeks I felt uncompromising mental uneasiness, without any real malaise or obvious symptoms to justify mental uneasiness.I can't imagine that a person who came out of the arms of the Padua girl would be free from infection.Even the surgeon, who tried his best to persuade me, could not reassure me.Finally he explained to me that my constitution was different and I was not susceptible to infection, which convinced me.Though I have done fewer experiments of this kind than anyone else, the fact that my health has never been compromised in this respect is a proof that the doctor's words are right.His opinion, however, never made me rash.If I were so privileged, I can also say that I have never done anything wrong out of confidence.

My other encounter, though also with a prostitute, was of a very different nature, both in its cause and its consequences.I have already said that Captain Olivier entertained me on board his ship, and I took the secretary of the Spanish embassy with me.I was expecting a salute of guns, and the crew lined the lane to meet us, but no gun was fired.It pained me a lot, because I saw Calliou with him, and I saw him a little angry.Isn't that right? On a merchant ship, people whose status is indeed inferior to ours are welcomed with salutes. Besides, I think what I do deserves to be treated differently by the captain.I couldn't hide my emotions, because I have never been able to hide my heart. Although the banquet was good and Olivier entertained, I was unhappy when I came up, ate very little, and talked even less. When it came to the first toast, I thought there should be a salute: still no.Carrillo knew what I was thinking, and laughed to himself when he saw me muttering like a child.One-third of the meal, I saw a gondola getting closer. "My God, sir," said the captain to me, "be on your guard, here comes the enemy." I asked him what he meant by that, and he answered me with a joke.When the gondola docked, a very beautiful young woman came out. She was radiant, gorgeously dressed, and walked lightly. She jumped into the room three times and two times.Before I noticed that someone had set a plate next to me, she sat down next to me.She was charming, lively, brown-haired, and not more than twenty years old.She only speaks Italian.The tone of her voice alone was enough to make my head spin.As she ate, she stared at me for a while, and then suddenly exclaimed: "Holy Mother! It's my dear Bremond, I haven't seen you for a long time!" She threw herself into my arms and moved her lips Pressed against my lips, hugging me so hard I couldn't breathe.Her large black oriental eyes shot into my heart with fiery enthusiasm, and although I was a little overwhelmed by a moment of surprise at first, the sensual pleasure soon overwhelmed me, so that despite many people Look, I still need that beauty herself to restrain me, because I am drunk, or rather crazy.When she saw that I was upside down as much as she expected, her caresses softened a bit, but her heat remained the same.She happily explained to us the reason for her excitement (whether it is true or not), she said that I looked exactly like Mr. Bremont, the Tuscan customs supervisor, and almost took me for him.She said she was infatuated with Bremond, and she is still infatuated with him, and she lost him because she was a fool, and now she's going to replace him with me, and she's going to love me because she's got me, I must love her for the same reason, and I must love her as long as she pleases, and when she throws me away, I must wait as patiently as her dear Bremond.She said so, and she did so.She manipulated me as if she were her own, and gave me her gloves, her fan, her belt, and her hat for safekeeping, and she ordered me to go here and there, to do this and that, and I did as I was told. .She told me to get her gondola away because she was going to ride mine, so I went, she told me to get out of the way, and told me to ask Carrillo to sit because she had something to say He said, and I did as well.The two of them whispered together for a long time, and I let them talk.Then she called me and I came back. "Listen, Gianetto," she said to me, "I don't want French love, it's useless. When you get tired of it, go away. I'll say something, and everything will be done neatly." .” After dinner.We went to the town of Murano together to visit the glass factory.She bought a lot of knickknacks and made us pay for them rudely, but she tipped people around and spent a lot more than we did.Looking at the indifference with which she squanders herself and let us squander, it is obvious that she regards money as dirt.She wants others to spend money on her, and I believe it is more out of vanity than greed: a lot of money buys a smile, and she is happy. In the evening, we took her home.As I was talking, I saw two pistols on her comb. "Ha! Ha!" I picked up one and said to her, "This is a new-style rouge box. What is it for? I see you have deadly weapons, much more powerful than this." She After making a few jokes in the same tone, she said to us with an innocent and arrogant tone that made her more charming: "When I show favor to people I don't love, I want them to come out. It is only fair that I should pay for the boredom they have caused me. But though I can bear their caresses, I will not be insulted by them. I will shoot anyone who is rude to me." When I left her, I made an appointment with her to see her again the next day.I didn't bother her to wait long, but she was an investitodiconfidenza (dress after dusk) in a casual dress that couldn't be more coquettish.This kind of casual clothes can only be seen in southern European countries. Although I still remember it, I don’t want to spend more time describing it.All I will say is that the cuffs and bosom are trimmed with silk thread and decorated with rose-coloured pom-poms.I think it sets off beautiful skin tones extra vividly.I later found out that it was a Venetian fashion, so charming to wear, that it was a mystery why it had not spread to France.I could not have imagined the kind of sensuality that awaited me.I have spoken of Madame Larnage with passion, and the recollection of it sometimes drives me madly, but how old, ugly and indifferent she was compared with my Zulietta!Reader, don't bother to imagine the charms and charms of this charming girl, you will be too far away from reality.The virgins in the monastery are not as bright as her, the beauties in the harem are not as voluptuous as her, and the fairies in heaven are not as charming as her.Never before have mortal minds and senses received such warm enjoyment.what!If I know how to taste this enjoyment fully and completely, even for a moment! . . . I tasted it, but it was insipid, and I diluted all the fun, as if I wanted to destroy all the fun.Nature never gave birth to me for enjoyment.It has put desire in my heart, yearning for this indescribable happiness, but it has put poison in my crazy mind, poisoning this indescribable happiness. If there is one event in my life that best describes my nature, it is the one I am about to relate.I am now trying to remember the purpose for which I have written this book, and this effort will cause me here to reject the hypocrisy which stands in the way of the purpose of this book.Whoever you are, if you want to get to know someone, take the courage to read the next two or three pages, and you'll get to know Jean-Jacques Rousseau thoroughly. I go into the bedroom of a whore, as I go into the temple of love and beauty, and I seem to see in her the god of beauty and love.I can't believe you could feel the emotions she made me feel if you didn't have admiration and respect.As soon as I realized the value of her coquettishness and caresses from the first intimacy, I was afraid of losing its fruit and was eager to pick it up.Suddenly I felt that it wasn't the fire of desire that was burning my whole body, but ice cubes were rushing through my veins. My legs were weak, and I almost fainted. I quickly sat down and cried like a child. Who can guess how my tears came from, who can guess what was in my mind at the time?I said to myself: "This object at my disposal is the work of nature and Venus. Her spirit, her body, and everything about her are perfect, and he is as good and noble as she is lovely and beautiful." All princes and lords should be her slaves, and the king's scepter should be placed at her feet. However, you see, she has become a poor whore to be trampled upon; a merchant captain dominates her, and she rushes to Come in my arms, knowing that I have nothing, and she can't recognize my talent, so it is equal to zero in her eyes. There must be some incredible reason. Either my heart deceived me, my heart I feel that if I regard an ugly whore as a fairy, or there must be some hidden disease that I don't know, which destroys her charming effect and makes people who should compete for her disgusted with her." So I began to concentrate on I have explored this hidden disease, but I never even thought about the problem of syphilis.The brilliance of her muscles, the radiance of her skin, the whiteness of her teeth, the warmth of her breath, and the cleanliness of her whole body, all so utterly eluded me that not only did I wonder about her body since I met the girl from Padua. Doubtful, but also worried that I am not healthy enough to be worthy of her.I am convinced that this time, my self-confidence is correct. These thoughts, at such a good time, disturbed my mind so much that I was about to cry.Seeing such a strange phenomenon on this occasion, Xu Lieda was of course very surprised, and was at a loss for a moment.But walking around the room, and looking in the mirror again, she realized--and my eyes assured her--that my discouragement was by no means due to disgust.It was certainly not difficult for her to cure my discouragement and dispel my little shame.However, when I was about to have a real ecstasy on her breasts that seemed to be being touched by a man's mouth and hands for the first time, I suddenly found that she had a flat nipple.I was startled, and after a closer look, I realized that this nipple looked different from the other.Immediately I began to figure out in my head how a woman could have a flat nipple, because I was convinced it was due to some great congenital ailment, and turned the idea around, so I could see it clearly. The most wonderful person I imagined, now in my arms, turned out to be a deformed monster, a shoddy product of nature, a man's outcast, a fake in the bed.I was so stupid as to talk to her about that deflated teat.She first took my words as a joke, and said some words and made some actions in her frivolous temper, which really made me fall in love with it.However, I always felt a little uneasy that I couldn't hide from her. She finally blushed, straightened her clothes, got up, and ran to lie at the window without saying a word.I wanted to sit next to her, but she walked away again, found a recliner and sat down, then stood up again, paced up and down the room, shaking her fan, and spoke to me in a cold and disgusted tone. Say: "Gianetto, lascialedonne, estudiala matematica (leave women behind and study mathematics)." Before leaving her, I asked to meet again the next day, and she pushed the time to the third day, adding with a mocking smile that I, too, needed to catch my breath.During this period of time, I had a very bad time. I only thought about her charm and charm, felt my own absurdity, and kept blaming myself, regretting that I wasted such a good time for nothing.If I hadn't been so confused, that time would have been the happiest time of my life. I waited with the most impatient mood to make up for the loss, but no matter what, I was always uneasy. The contradiction between being perfect and being so humble is simply insurmountable.到了约定的时刻，我就往她那里跑，往她那里飞了。我不知道她那火热的气质是不是会对我这次的拜访感到快慰一些。我想，她那种傲气至少是会得到一点满足的，于是我心里就预先尝到一种美妙的滋味了，打算千方百计地让她看看，我是多么善于弥补自己的过错。她把这一场考验给我免除掉了。我一拢岸就派贡多拉上的船夫去通报。他回来对我说，她头天就到佛罗伦萨去了。如果说当我占有她的时候没有感觉到我的全部爱情，当我失掉她的时候，我却强烈地感觉到了。这份悔恨之情始终没有离开我的心头。尽管她在我的眼里是那么可爱，那么妩媚，我还是能够为失去她而自遣。而我真正不能自遣的，老实说，就是我给她留下了一个可鄙的印象。 以上就是我的两段艳遇。除此之外，我在威尼斯的那十八月里就没有什么可说的了，至多还有一段未遂的情史。卡利约是很风流的，他往别人包定的姑娘家里跑厌了，便异想天开，自己也来包她一个。因为我们俩形影不离，他便向我提议一个在威尼斯屡见不鲜的办法，由我们两人合包一个姑娘。I agreed.问题是怎样找到一个靠得住的。他找来找去，居然找到了一个十一二岁的小姑娘，她的狠心的母亲正在设法把她卖出去。我们俩一起去看她。我一见这姑娘，肺腑都感动了。她是个金发美人，温柔得象只羔羊，你绝不会相信她是意大利人。在威尼斯，生活程度很低。我们给了母亲几个钱，负责供养她的女儿。这孩子嗓子很好，为了培养她一个谋生的技艺，就给她买了一架小钢琴，为她请了个教唱的老师。这一切，我们每人每月还花不到两个西昆，而为我们省下来的其他花费却不在此数。不过，由于得等到她成年。这也就未免在收获之前播种得过早了。然而，我们只在晚上没事的时候到那里去，跟那孩子天真无邪地谈谈、玩玩，我们的这种消遣也许比占有她更有意味。女人最使我们留恋的，并不一定在于感官的享受，主要还在于生活在她们身边的某种情趣，这话一点不错！不知不觉地，我的心就依恋上那个小安佐蕾妲了，但是那是一种慈父般的感情，毫无肉欲掺杂其中，以至于这种感情越增涨，我就越不能在这里面掺进肉欲的成份。我感到，将来这孩子长大了，我要是接触她，一定会毛骨悚然，和犯了乱伦罪一样。我看那善良的卡利约，他的感情也不自觉地转到了这同一方面。我们没想到自己寻来的这许多欢乐，虽和我们原先所计划的一样温馨，而性质却截然不同。我敢担保，不管这可怜的孩子将来长得怎样美，我们绝对不会成为她的童贞的破坏者，而相反地会成为她的童贞的保护人。我的灾难在这之后不久就发生了，没有让我有时间去参与这一善举，我在这件事上只能夸奖我自己其志可嘉而已。现在再回头谈谈我的旅行吧。 我从蒙太居先生家里出来，最初的打算是回到日内瓦，等运气转好一点，为我扫除掉障碍。好让我跟我那可怜的妈妈重新和好。但是，蒙太居和我那场争吵已经闹得满城风雨，而他又太愚蠢，把这事报告了朝廷，这就使得我作出决定，亲自到朝廷去为我的行为作个交代，并控诉这个疯子对我的所作所为。我从威尼斯就把我这个决定函报给在阿梅洛先生死后代理外交部部务的泰伊先生。我写了信就动身，取道贝加摩、科摩和多摩多索拉，我穿过新普伦关。在锡昂，法国代办复尼翁先生待我十分优厚。在日内瓦，克洛苏尔先生也是一样；我又再度见到果弗古尔先生，因为我有一点钱要从他手里取回。我经过尼翁市，不曾去看我父亲，心里并非不极其难过，但是我下不了决心在倒霉之后还到我的继母跟前露面，因为我深信她一定怪我不好，不愿听我解释。开书店的迪维亚尔是我父亲的老朋友，他对我严加指责。我对他说明了不去看父亲的原因后，为了弥补这个过失，同时又避免见到继母，我就在日内瓦雇了一辆车，同他一起回到尼翁，住在一个小酒店里。迪维亚尔去找我父亲，我父亲听到消息就奔来拥抱我。我们在一起用了晚餐，过了使我十分快慰的一宿。我在第二天早晨和迪维亚尔回到日内瓦。他这次为我做了一件大好事，我一直对他是铭感在心的。 我的最直接的路线并不经过里昂，但是我要路过里昂一下，以便核实蒙太居先生的一个十分卑鄙的诈骗行为。我曾托人从巴黎寄出一口小箱子，里面装了一件金缕绣花上衣，几副套袖、大双白丝袜，如此而已。由于他主动向我建议，我就把这小箱子，或者更正确地说，把这个小盒子附在他的行李里。在他想抵销我的薪金而亲手写的那张满纸花账的单子上，他载明这口箱子——他称为大件行李——重十一公担，曾替我付出一笔极大的运费。承罗甘先生为我介绍的他的外甥波瓦·德·拉·杜尔先生帮忙，我在里昂和马赛两关的记录簿上查实了那个所谓大件行李只重四十五斤，并且只依这个重量付了运费。我把这份正式证明附在蒙太居先生的账单上，然后就带着这些证件以及其他好几份有同等份量的材料，动身到巴黎去，急于加以利用。在整个这次长途旅行中，我在科摩城，在瓦莱，以及其他地方，都有过一些小小的奇遇。我看到许多东西，其中有波罗美岛，都很值得描写一番。但是我现在时间紧迫，又有暗探钉着我，我不得不急促地、草率地完成这部作品，这本来是需要清闲和安静的，而我却缺乏这种清闲和安静。如果有朝一日老天开恩，让我能过上比较安宁的日子，我定要把这部作品改写一遍，或者至少加上一个补编，我想这是很有必要的。 我这桩公案，消息早在我之前就传到了巴黎。我一到，就发现所有的人，无论是机关里还是社会上的，都对大使的狂悖行为愤慨不已。但是，尽管如此，尽管威尼斯的公众也有一致的呼声，尽管我拿出了无可辩驳的证据，我却得不到任何公平处理。我不但得不到道歉和赔偿，连薪水也不叫大使补发，唯一的理由就是我不是法国人，无权受国家保护，这件事只是他和我之间的一件私事。大家都跟我一样，认为我是受了侮辱，受了损害，是不幸的，而大使是个荒唐鬼，既残忍又不公平，这桩公案使得他永远没脸见人。然而，他究竟是大使，我呢，只是秘书。体统，或者说，一般人所谓的体统，硬要我得不到任何公平处理，因此我也就没得到任何公平处理了。我想，只要我拼命嚷嚷，公开骂这个狂人，这是他罪有应得，到最后总会有人叫我住口的，我所期待的也正是如此，我决心要到政府正式表态时才服从。但是当时没有外交大臣。人家让我吵翻了天，人家甚至还鼓励我，附和我，但是事情还是毫无进展，直到最后，我感到人家总是说我有理，而我却总是得不到公平处理，自己也失掉勇气了，便干脆罢手，不了了之。 唯一对待我冷淡的人，就是伯藏瓦尔夫人，我最料想不到有这种不公平的待遇。她满脑子的名位和贵族的特权思想，总是不能想象一个大使会对不起他的秘书。她接待我的那个态度是同她这种成见一致的。我太受刺激了，所以一离开她家就给她写了一封信，也许是我生平最强烈、最厉害的一封信，从此就再也不跨进她的大门。卡斯太尔神父待我比较好些，但是透过他那耶稣会派的花言巧语，我看出他还是相当忠实地遵循着社会上最重要的处世箴言之一，就是随时随地都要弱者为强者作出牺牲。我对自己这件事强烈地感到有理，而且我生来又很高傲，这就不容许我耐心地忍受他这种偏私态度。从此我就不再去看卡斯太尔神父了，也不再到耶稣会去了，我在那儿本来就只认识他一个人。而且，他那些会友的专横和阴险，跟那位好心的海麦神父的善良纯朴太不相同，使我对他们避之唯恐不速，所以从那时候起，我就没有见过他们中间的任何一人，只有贝蒂埃神父是例外，我在杜宾先生家里和他见过两三次面，他那时正跟杜宾先生一起，竭尽全力批驳孟德斯鸠。