Chapter 12 Chapter 6-1

Chapter Six Hoceratinvotis: modusagrinon itamagnus, Hortusubiettectovicinus jugis aquaefons, Et Paulumsylvaesuperhisforet... I can't go on and say: Anctuus atque Dimelius fecere. But it's okay, I don't want anything.I don't even want ownership, as long as I can enjoy it.I have said long ago, and I have felt, that the owner and the possessor are often quite different beings, even leaving aside the distinction between husband and lover. The short bliss of my life began here.Those quiet but fleeting moments that give me the right to say that I have not wasted my life began here.Precious and nostalgic time!Please start again your lovely journey for me; if possible, please walk slowly in my memory, although in fact you have all passed so quickly.How can I make this touching and simple account as long as I want?How can I repeat the same thing over and over without boring the reader and myself?Besides, if all these were concrete facts, deeds, and words, I could still describe them, and somehow express them; but if it was neither said, nor done, nor even thought I have thought about it, but I have only felt and experienced it, and even I myself can't name other reasons for my happiness besides this feeling itself, so how can I describe it?I am happy at dawn; I am happy when I take a walk; I am happy when I see my mother; I am happy when I am away from her for a while; I am free, I work in the garden, I gather fruit, I help with the household—happiness follows me wherever I go; It is all in me and cannot leave me for a moment.

Nothing that happened, nothing that I did, said, and thought during this precious period of my life is beyond my recollection.Some events before and after this period sometimes come to my mind only in fragments, and even when I think about it, it is uneven and disorderly.Only from this period, I can fully remember, and the scene at that time is still vivid in my mind.In my youth my imagination always looked forward, now it only goes backwards, filling my forever lost hopes with sweet memories.I see no temptation in the future, but pleasure in the memory of the past; and the memory of the period of which I am speaking is so vivid and true that I have often been happy, notwithstanding my past. A lot of misfortunes.

Of these recollections I will give but one example, by which I may judge how real and powerful they are.The first day we went to Salmet to spend the night, my mother went in a sedan chair, and I followed on foot.We were walking a mountain road, and she was not light. She was afraid that the bearers would be too tired, so she got off the sedan chair almost halfway, and planned to walk the rest of the way.On the way she saw a blue thing in the hedge, and she said to me, "Look! the periwinkle is still in bloom!" I had never seen a periwinkle, nor had I bent down to look at it, and my eyes And too short-sighted, standing can not identify the flowers and plants on the ground.As for the flower, I only glanced at it casually at that time, and since then, almost thirty years have passed, and I have neither encountered this flower nor noticed it again.In 1764, I climbed a hill with my friend M. Berou in Cressier. On the top of the hill there is a very beautiful flower hall.At that time I collected a little herbarium.As I went up, I looked into the bushes from time to time, and suddenly I exclaimed happily: "Ah! Periwinkle!" In fact, it was a periwinkle, too.Beru saw that I was very excited, but he didn't know why.I hope that one day he will understand when he reads this text.From the impression made on me by such a small incident, the reader can easily imagine how deeply I was impressed by all the events of that period.

The wild air, however, did not restore my old health.I was already weak and weak, and now I am weaker.I couldn't even digest milk and had to stop drinking it.The use of spring water was then in vogue, and I tried spring water therapy, but I used it so badly that instead of curing me, it almost killed me.Every morning when I got up, I took a big cup to the spring, and I drank it while walking, and I drank two large bottles of spring water.I also completely stopped drinking alcohol after each meal.The water I drink is similar to most mountain water, a little hard and difficult to digest.In short, within two months I had completely ruined my normally sound stomach, and could not digest anything I ate, and I was sure there was no hope of recovery.At the same time, I was suddenly struck by a disease which was peculiar both in itself and in the consequences which have remained with me throughout my life.

One morning, I felt that my body was no worse than usual, but when I was moving a small table, I suddenly felt an almost incomprehensible vibration in my whole body.I think the change is best compared to a storm in the blood, which hits me all at once.My arteries were throbbing so violently that I not only felt the throbbing, but even heard it, especially in the neck arteries.In addition, both ears buzzed continuously. This buzzing sound included three or even four sounds: a rough and deep sound, a clearer sound like gurgling water, a shrill whistle, and finally the sound I just heard. Said throbbing sound; I had no trouble counting the beats without having to feel my pulse or touch my body.The noise in my ears was so severe that I lost my former keen hearing, and though I was not completely deaf, I have since been dulled.

My panic and horror can be imagined.I thought I was going to die, so I lay down on the bed.The doctor was also invited.Trembling, I described my situation to him, and said I couldn't be cured.I'm sure the doctor thought so too, but he still did his job.He told me many reasons, but I did not understand a single word; then, according to his brilliant theory, he began to apply his medical method to my "worthless body".The therapy was excruciating and nauseating, with little effect, and I soon got tired of it.After a few weeks, seeing that my condition was neither improving nor deteriorating, I ignored the beating and humming of my pulse, simply left the hospital bed and resumed my daily life.Since then, that is to say, for thirty years, this disease has not left me for a minute.

Before this, I was a very good sleeper.After having this disease, I began to have insomnia, and I was convinced that I would die soon.This thought made me stop worrying about the treatment of the disease for a while.Since my life cannot be extended, I have resolved to make the most of the time I have left on earth.Due to the special grace of nature, even in this most unfortunate situation, my unique constitution has spared me the physical pain that I should have suffered.Although I hate these sounds, I am not troubled by them; and, apart from insomnia at night and frequent shortness of breath, this sound has not caused me any inconvenience in my daily life; It developed to the level of panting, but it was a little worse when I was about to run or when I was a little nervous.

This disease, which should have destroyed my body, killed only my passions, and I thank Heaven every day for the good effect it has had on my mind.I can say frankly that I only came to live after seeing myself as a dead man.It was only then that I gave due weight to what I was leaving, and began to turn my mind to nobler things, as if I were going to do what I should have done, which I had hitherto never done. It seems that the obligation to notice is completed ahead of schedule.I have often come to understand religion in my own way, but I have never completely left it, so I have returned to it without much trouble.This question seems so boring to many people, but it seems so interesting to those who think that religion can give people comfort and hope.My mother has taught me better than all theologians have taught me on this subject.

She has her own set of views on everything, and of course religion is no exception.The system consisted of very different notions--some of which were quite true, some of which were quite absurd--as well as opinions connected with her character and prejudices connected with her education.Generally speaking, believers think that God is what they are: good people think that God is good, and evil people think that God is evil; people who are full of hatred and anger see only hell, because They would like to send all men to hell, and the mild-hearted and good-natured do not believe in hell.It amazes me very much that the good Fenelon speaks of hell in his Delemark as if he believed in a hell, but I hope he was lying because No matter how honest a man may be, once he becomes a bishop, he is sometimes compelled to lie.Mother did not lie to me; her heart, which has never held a grudge, could not have conceived of God as a god of vengeance and wrath.Regarding God, ordinary believers only see justice and punishment, but what she sees is tolerance and mercy.She often said that if God judges us by our actions, then He is too unfair, because God has not given us what it takes to be a person of good moral character, and if He requires this from us, then He is asking us He didn't give us something.Strangely enough, she did not believe in hell, but in purgatory.This is because she does not know what to do with the souls of the wicked: she does not want them to go to hell, nor to place them with the souls of the good until they are converted.We should admit, too, that the wicked have trouble in this world as in the other.

There is another oddity.On this assertion, the theory of original sin and atonement was overthrown, the foundations of a prevailing Christian doctrine were shaken, and Catholicism, to say the least, could not continue to exist.But Mama was a good Catholic, or rather, she believed herself to be a good Catholic, and her confidence was no doubt sincere.She thinks that people's interpretation of the Bible is too dogmatic and rigid, and the words in the Bible about eternal suffering, she thinks, are frightening or allegorical.The death of Jesus Christ, in her view, is an example of true God's love, which teaches people to love God and love each other.In a word, she was faithful to her chosen faith, and she confessed with great sincerity all the creeds of the church; Although she is always obedient to the church.

On this issue, her simplicity and sincerity are more eloquent than the arguments of those scholars, and sometimes even make it difficult for her confessors, because she will not hide anything from her confessors. .She said to him: "I am a good Catholic, and I am willing to be a good Catholic forever. I will use my whole heart to accept the decision of the Church of Our Lady. Although I cannot control my beliefs, I can control my will. I To submit my will to the Church, I am willing to believe everything without reservation. What would you want from me?" I believe that, if Christian morality had not been produced, she would have adhered to some of its principles, because her character and Christian morality fit so well.She will do whatever the church clearly stipulates; in fact, she will do the same even if it is not clearly stipulated.She always liked to obey in matters of little importance.If she had not been permitted, or even ordered, to break her fast, she would have kept it as long as she had done, and it was entirely in the service of God, and not at all for the sake of prudence.But all these moral principles were subordinate to those of Mr. Darwell, or rather she could see nothing in conflict with them.She could comfortably sleep with twenty men a day without lust or scruples about doing so.I know that there are many pious women who have no more scruples in this matter than she does, but the difference between her and them is that they are seduced by lust, while mother is deceived by her sophistry.In the most touching conversations, and I dare say the most instructive ones, she could have spoken on the subject calmly, without changing the expression of her face or the tone of her voice, and not seeing the slightest incongruity in it. The place.If anything interrupted her conversation at that time, she would then resume it with the same coolness, for she sincerely believed that all these were merely social To explain, to practice, or to avoid, without risking blasphemy.On this point, although my opinion is obviously different from hers, I admit that I dare not refute her, because in order to refute, I have to play a not very honorable role, and a kind of shame makes me hard to express.I really want to establish a rule for others to obey, and at the same time try to make myself the exception and not be bound by it.But not only do I know that her temperament prevents her from abusing her claims, but I also know that she is not a gullible woman, and that to ask for an exception myself would be to make her count everyone she likes as an exception.Actually, I'm just mentioning this in passing when talking about her other inconsistencies: it didn't have much of an effect on her actual behavior, and at the time it didn't even matter at all.But I have promised to state her case faithfully, and I will keep my word.Now let me talk about myself again. I found these ways of her life to be just what I needed in order to free my mind from the fear of death and its consequences, and I quite freely drew all I could from this trusted source.I am more attached to her than ever before, and I really want to give her my dying life completely.From my redoubled attachment to her, from my certainty that my time here on earth was short, and from the serenity with which I expected to be, a very peaceful, even happy state of affairs arose.This situation tempered all the passions that engulfed us in fear and hope, and enabled me to enjoy my short time without worry.One of the things that adds to the enjoyment of these days is that I'm doing everything I can to cultivate her interest in the pastoral life.As I wanted to make her love her garden, poultry-yard, pigeons, and cows, I ended up loving them all myself.These things, though my whole day was devoted to them, did not disturb my peace, and were more beneficial to my poor body, and restored to health, than milk and all medicines. Harvesting grapes and fruit carried us happily through the rest of the year.Coupled with being among kind people, we gradually developed a strong affection for pastoral life.We watched winter come with great regret, and when we returned to the city it was as if we were going to be exiled, and I was especially sad because I didn't think I would live until the next spring, and I felt that I would be grateful to Charmet Farewell is goodbye forever.As I left, I kissed the land and the trees there, and even though I had gone so far, I still looked back from time to time.After returning to the city, as my girls and I had been away for a long time, and because I had lost the entertainment and social interests in the city, I didn't go out anymore, and no one but my mother and Mr. Salomon Haven't seen it either.Salomon, who has lately been my mother's and my doctor, is a man of integrity and wit, a well-known Cartesian, with a rather sensible view of the laws of the universe; and it seems to me very interesting and rich to hear Instructive discourse is more beneficial than taking those medicines he prescribes.All foolish and vulgar talk has always been intolerable to me; but it has always been my greatest pleasure to listen to good and informative talks, from which I have never refused.The conversation with Mr. Salomon interested me greatly, because I felt that our conversation had touched on the high knowledge that my freed mind was about to acquire.As a result of my liking for him, I developed a liking for the subjects he talked about, so I started looking for some books that would help me better understand his theories.To me those treatises which unite science and religion, especially those published by the Oratorians and the Pole-Royales, are more agreeable to me.I started reading these books, or rather, I read them avidly.I happened to get my hands on a copy of "Scientific Discourses" by Father Lamy, which is a kind of primer for scientific treatises.I read it hundreds of times and decided to use it as my study manual.Finally, in spite of my poor health, or because of it, I felt that an irresistible force was drawing me gradually towards the path of learning, and although I thought every day that I was at the end of my life, Study harder, as if you want to live forever.Others say that studying hard in this way is harmful to me, but I think it is beneficial to me, not only my mind, but also my body, because it is a pleasure for me to concentrate on studying like this, and I no longer think about my Those diseases, the pain will be relieved a lot.It is true that this did not actually alleviate my disease, but since I was not in severe pain, I became accustomed to physical weakness, insomnia, and the substitution of thinking for activity. The slow, step-by-step decline is seen as an inevitable, death-by-death process. This thought not only freed me from worrying about the minutiae of life, but also from the nasty drugs I had been forced to take until then.Salomon admitted that his medicine was of no use to me, so he didn't force me to continue to taste the bitter taste. He just prescribed some medicines that could be taken or not to comfort the poor mother in order to relieve her depression. Disappointing patients with their condition can also maintain the credibility of doctors on the other hand.I gave up my strict diet, resumed my drinking habit, and resumed living as healthy a person as my strength allowed.I have moderation in everything, but I have no taboos.I even started going out again, visiting my friends, especially that Monsieur Conzier with whom I was very fond.In the end, perhaps because I thought it a good thing to study hard until the last moment of my life, and perhaps because deep down in my heart I harbored the hope of surviving, the approach of death not only did not weaken my interest in learning, but on the contrary It seemed to make me more interested in learning, and I was desperate to accumulate knowledge to take to another world, as if I believed that the knowledge I acquired was the only thing I could have at that time.I took a liking to Bouchard's bookstore, and some literati and scholars often went to him; soon, as spring--the spring that I thought I would never see again--was approaching, I bought a few in that bookstore. This book, so that when I am lucky enough to return to Salmet, I will take it with me. I have this happiness, and I try to enjoy it as much as possible.When I see the grass and trees sprouting, the joy in my heart is really indescribable.Seeing spring again, for me, is tantamount to resurrection in heaven.We left the prison house just as the snow was beginning to melt, and we went to Salmet quite early to hear the first song of the nightingale.Since then I no longer believe that I am dying, and in fact it is strange that I never really fell ill when I was in the country.I have been uncomfortable there, but never lingering on a sick bed.When I feel worse than usual, I say, "When you see me dying, please carry me under the shade of the oak tree, and I promise I will be well again." Although weakened, I resumed my field activities, of course within my ability.I was deeply distressed that I could not do the field work alone; after five or six hoeings, I was out of breath, sweating profusely, and couldn't hold on.As soon as I bent down, my heart beat faster, and the blood rushed to my head, and I had to straighten up immediately.I had to do something less tiring, and so, among many other jobs, I took up the care of the pigeons, which I loved so much that I used to work for hours on end without feeling at all tired.Pigeons are very timid and difficult to tame. However, I finally managed to make my pigeons trust me so much that they follow me wherever I go, and I can catch them whenever I want.As soon as I go into the garden or into the yard, two or three pigeons immediately settle on my shoulders and head.Although I liked them very much, such retinues became my greatest burden in the end, and I had to refrain from their habit of being familiar with me.I have always been fond of taming animals, especially timid wild ones.I think it is very interesting to tame them to be good at obeying people. I have never used their confidence in me to play tricks on them, and I am willing to make them love me without fear. As I said before, I brought a few books with me, and I read them, but my method of reading hardly benefited me, but only increased my fatigue.Since I did not have the right understanding of things, I thought that in order to benefit from the reading of a book, I must have all the knowledge involved in it, without taking into account that even the author himself did not have so much knowledge, and he wrote the book. The required knowledge is also absorbed from other books at any time.Because of my stupid ideas, I have to stop and jump from book to book from time to time when I am reading, and sometimes I don't even read ten pages of the book I want to read.You have to check several libraries.I wasted countless hours by obstinately clinging to this extremely laborious method, and my mind became more and more confused, to such an extent that I could hardly see anything or comprehend anything.Happily, I realized it was too early, and knew that I was on a wrong path, which led me into an endless labyrinth, and I turned back before I was quite lost in it. As long as a person has a real interest in learning, the first thing he feels when he starts to delve into it is the interconnection among the various sciences. This connection makes them restrain each other, complement each other, and clarify each other. exist.Although human intelligence cannot master all knowledge, but can only choose one, if he knows nothing about other sciences, he will often not have a thorough understanding of the knowledge he is studying.I think my thinking is good and useful, but the method needs to be changed.The first thing I read was the encyclopedia, which I studied in sections.I soon thought that the exact opposite method should be adopted: each branch should be studied separately, and then one by one, until the point where they converged.In this way, I have returned to the general comprehensive method, but I have mastered the correct method and done it consciously.In this respect my deep thinking made up for my lack of knowledge, and reasonable thinking helped me to go in the right direction.Whether I am alive or dying, I cannot afford to waste any more time.At twenty-five, you still don't know anything, and if you want to learn everything, you must decide to use your time well.Since I don't know when fate or death may interrupt my assiduous learning, I must at any rate first acquire an idea of ​​everything, in order that, on the one hand, I may test my genius, and on the other hand, I may Judge for yourself which science is best to study. In the process of implementing this plan, I discovered an unexpected benefit, that is: a lot of time is used.It should be admitted that I am not a person who is born to study knowledge, because I will feel tired after studying for a little longer, and I can't even concentrate on a problem for half an hour, especially when thinking along the lines of others This is even more so when I'm working on it, although I'm thinking along my own line of thought, it may take longer, and I can still achieve considerable results.If I had to read a writer by heart, my mind would be dissipated after a few pages, and I would immediately be in a state of bewilderment.Even if I persisted, it was in vain, and the result was dizziness, and I couldn't understand anything.But if I pursue several different problems in succession, even without a break, I can go through them one after the other with ease and pleasure, which relieves the fatigue of another, and requires no rest for the mind.I therefore made good use of this characteristic which I had discovered in my plan of studies, and alternated the studies of some problems, so that I would not be tired even if I worked all day long.Of course, the odd jobs in the field and at home were also a healthy diversion, but, while my thirst for knowledge was growing, I soon devised a method which would allow time for study to be taken from work and to be able to engage in two tasks at the same time. The way to do things, without worrying about which one will go slightly worse. Among these trifles, which interest me only and often tire the reader, there are things which I have not mentioned which you would not even think of if I did not point them out to you.Now, to take an example, it is with great comfort that I recall my various experiments in the distribution of my time in order to be as light and profitable as possible.I may say that this period of my seclusion, though always sickly, was the least idle and least wearisome period of my life.I was then, on the one hand, trying to determine my inclinations, and, on the other hand, enjoying the joys of life which I felt so elusive, at the most wonderful time of the year, and in this intoxicating place, Enjoying the pleasures of such a leisurely, sweet companionship--if such a happy union can be called a companionship--with the pleasures of which I am only interested in the acquisition of high knowledge, two or three months passed An instant passed.It seemed to me that my efforts had borne fruit, if not much more, because the joy of learning was a major component of my happiness. Each of these experiments, which should be omitted, was a pleasure to me, but they are so prosaic that they cannot be repeated.Besides, true happiness cannot be described, it can only be experienced, and the deeper the experience, the more difficult it is to describe, because true happiness is not a collection of facts, but a continuation of a state.I have often said this, and I will say more than this when I think of it afterwards.In the end, when my erratic life had settled into a general pattern, my time was distributed more or less as follows. Get up before sunrise each morning to walk the beautiful road from the neighboring orchard, which leads above the vineyards.I followed this mountain road as far as Chambery.Along the way, I prayed while walking.My prayers are not murmured at random, but my sincere heart goes to the Creator of this lovely natural beauty that unfolds before my eyes.I have never liked to pray indoors, and I find the walls and the little objects made by hands to be a barrier to communion with God.I like to meditate on him while admiring his creations, when my heart rises to the realm of the gods.I can say that my prayer is pure, and therefore my wish is worthy of God's favor, and I wish for nothing but a life free from evil, pain, and Poverty, pure and peaceful life, pray that we will be upright until death and have the good fate that upright people deserve in the future.In fact, in this kind of prayer of mine, there is more praise and appreciation than supplication.I know that in front of the true giver of happiness, the best way to get the happiness we need is to fight for it, not just to ask.When I come back I always make a wide circle, and gaze upon those things in the surrounding fields with such excitement that my eyes and my soul are never weary.I watched from a distance to see if Mama was awake, and when I saw her shutters were open, I jumped up for joy and ran forward.If the shutters are still closed, I turn to the garden for a while, and amuse myself by silently reciting what I have read the day before, or doing some garden work, while I wait for her to wake up.As soon as the shutters were opened, I ran to the bed and hugged her. She was often half asleep at that time. Our embrace was sweet and pure, and there was something intoxicating in this innocent embrace. pleasure, but this pleasure has nothing to do with sensual pleasure. Usually we have milk and coffee for breakfast.This is the calmest time of our day, and the time when we can talk most freely.This breakfast conversation usually takes up such a length that I always have a strong interest in breakfast.On this point I much prefer the English and Swiss custom, where breakfast is a real meal together, to the French custom, where breakfast is a real meal together, whereas in France each is in his room. Meals alone, often with nothing at all.After chatting for an hour or two, I went to read and kept watching until lunch.I first read some philosophical books, such as "Logic" published by Paul-Royal, Locke's treatises, works by Malebranche, Leibniz, Descartes, etc.I soon discovered that the teachings of these authors were almost always in conflict with each other, and I concocted a fantastic project of unifying them, which cost me a great deal of energy, time, and confusion. , resulting in nothing.At last I abandoned this method, and adopted a much better one, to which I owe all my progress, though poor in ability, because there can be no doubt that My abilities have always been very limited in terms of research knowledge.Every time I read an author's work, I make up my mind to fully accept and follow the author's own thoughts, neither mixing my own or others' opinions, nor arguing with the author.I think like this: "First store some ideas in my mind, whether they are right or wrong, as long as the argument is clear, and then compare and choose after my mind is quite full." I know this This method is not without its drawbacks, but it is quite successful for the purpose of instilling knowledge.For a few years, I was just thinking what the author thought. It can be said that I never thought, and almost did not reason at all.After a few years I had enough knowledge to think for myself without the help of others.When I was traveling or running errands and could not read books, I reviewed and compared what I had read in my head, judging each problem with the balance of reason, and sometimes making some criticisms of the opinions of my teachers.Although I was belated in beginning to exercise my judgment, I did not feel that it had lost its force, and when I expressed my opinion, I was not called a blind disciple, nor did I. I didn't say that I would only echo what my predecessors said. Later, I switched to elementary geometry.For this subject, because I was determined to overcome my weak memory, I learned it many times over and over again, often learning the same part from the beginning, so I never made much progress.I am not interested in Euclid's geometry, because he mainly focuses on a series of proofs, and does not pay attention to the connection of concepts.我比较感兴趣的是拉密神父的几何学，从那时候起，这位神甫就成了我最喜欢的一位作者了，就是现在我还很爱重读他的著作。以后我便开始学习代数，同样也以拉密神父的著作为指南。在我取得了一些进步以后，我就阅读雷诺神父的《计算学》以及他的《直观解析》，对于后者，我不过是随手翻翻而已。我一直没有能够深刻理解把代数应用在几何学上的意义。对这种不知目的所在的计算法我是一点不感兴趣的，我觉得用方程式来分解几何题，就好象是在用手摇风琴演奏乐曲。在我第一次用数字算出二项式的平方就是组成那个二项式的数字的各个平方加上这两个数字的乘积的一倍，我尽管算得很正确，也不肯相信，直到我作出图形后才肯相信。我并不是因为代数里只求未知量便对代数没有甚么兴趣，而是在应用到面积上时，我就必须根据图形才能进行计算，不然我就一点也不明白了。 在这以后，我就研究起拉丁文来了。拉丁文是我最感困难的一门课程，我在这方面一直没有显著的进步。我起初采用波尔－洛雅勒的拉丁文法，但是，没有任何收获。那些不规范的诗句确实叫我讨厌，始终听不入耳。我一看那一大堆文法规则就糊涂了，在学会一条规则的时候就把以前的全忘了。对于一个记忆力弱的人来说，是不适于研究文字学的，而我却正是为了增强我的记忆力才决心从事这种研究。最后，我不得不放弃了它。那时，我对语句的结构已经有相当的理解，利用一本辞典，可以读一些浅近的著作。于是我就选择了这种途径，觉得效果很好。我集中精力翻译拉丁文，不是笔译，而是心译，也仅止于此。经过长期的练习，我终于能够轻松愉快地读一些拉丁文著作，但是我始终不能用这种语言谈话和写作，因此，当我后来不知为什么竟被放进学者行列的时候，我时常感到很尴尬。和我这种用功方法分不开的还有另外一种缺陷，那就是我一直没学会拉丁韵律学，更谈不上懂得作诗的种种规律。不过，我很想能欣赏拉丁语在韵文和散文里的那种非常谐美的声调，我曾费了不少力气想学会一点，但是，我确信，要是没有老师的指导，那几乎是办不到的。在所有的诗体中，最容易作的就是六音节诗，我学过这种诗句，我曾耐心地把维吉尔的诗的音律差不多全部都摸清了，并且标出了音节和音量；后来，只要我弄不清某个音是长音或短音，我就查那本维吉尔。然而，由于我不知道在作诗的规则中允许有一些例外，因而常常发生不少的错误。如果说自学有好处，那么我要说，它也有很大的坏处，最主要的是非常吃力。关于这一点，我体会得比任何人都清楚。 中午时分，我放下了书本，如果午饭还没有准备好，我就去访问已成为我的好友的那些鸽子，或者在园子里干点活儿等候开饭。一听到叫唤我的声音，我就兴致勃勃地带着强烈的食欲跑去，这里也值得一提的是，不论病情如何，我的食欲从未减退。午饭的时间是非常愉快的，在等妈妈能够吃东西之前，我们先谈些家务事。此外，天气好的时候，每星期有两三次，我们到房屋后边一个布满花草的相当凉爽的亭子里去喝咖啡；我在这个亭子四周栽了一些忽布藤，天气炎热的时候，到这里来乘凉是非常舒服的。我们在这里消磨一个来小时，看看我们的蔬菜和我们的花草，谈谈我们的生活，越谈越体会到我们生活的甜蜜。在我们园子的一端，还有另一个小家族：那就是蜜蜂。我轻易不会忘记去拜访它们，妈妈有时也和我同去。我对于它们的劳动很感兴趣，看到它们飞回来的时候，带着那么多的采集物，几乎都要飞不动了，觉得很有意思。头几天，我由于过分好奇，不小心被它们螫了两三次，但是后来我们渐渐熟识了；无论离多近它们也不会伤害我。蜂窝里的蜜蜂非常多，甚至满得必须分群，有时我就被它们包围起来，我的手上、脸上到处都是蜜蜂，但再没有一个蜜蜂螫过我。所有动物对人都不相信，这是对的，但当它们一旦确信人们无意伤害它们的时候，它们的信任会变得那样大，只有比野蛮人还要野蛮的人才能滥用这种信任。 下午我还是读书，不过午后的活动与其说是工作和学习，不如说是消遣和娱乐更为恰当。午饭后，我从来不能关在屋里认真用功，通常在一天最热的时候，一切劳动对我都是负担。然而我也不闲着，我自由自在、毫无拘束、不费心思地看一些书。我最常看的就是地理和历史，因为这两个科目并不需要集中精力，我那点可怜的记忆力能记住多少就收获多少。我试图研究佩托神父的著作，因而陷入了纪年学的迷宫里。我讨厌那既无止境又无边际的批判部分，却特别喜欢研究计时的准确和天体的运行。如果我有仪器的话，我一定会对天文学发生兴趣，但我只能满足于从书本上得到的一些知识以及为了了解天体的一般情况而用望远镜做的一些粗略的观察，由于我的眼睛近视，光靠肉眼是不可能清晰地辨认星座的。谈到这个问题，我记得曾发生过一次误会，至今想起来还往往觉得好笑。为了研究星座，我买了一个平面天体图。我把它钉在一个木框上，每逢无云的夜晚，我便到园子里去，把木框放在和我身材一般高的四根桩柱上。这个天体图的图面是向下的，须用烛光把它照亮，为了避免风吹蜡烛，我在四根桩柱中间的地面上摆了一个木桶，把蜡烛放在里面。然后，交替地看看天体图和用望远镜看看天上的星座，我就是这样练习认识星体并辨别星座的。我想我已说过，诺厄莱先生的花园是在一个高台上，无论在上面干什么，从大路上老远就可以看得见。一天夜晚，正当我用这一套奇怪的装备聚精会神地进行观察的时候，有些晚归的农民从这儿路过，看见了我。他们看到天体图底下的亮光，却看不到光线是从哪里来的，因为桶里的蜡烛有桶边挡着，他们看不见；再加上那四根支柱，那张画满各种图形的大图纸，那个木框，还有我那来回转动的望远镜，所有这一切都使他们把我这一套东西当成是作魔法的道具，因而吓了一大跳。我的那身装束也使他们感到惊奇，我在便帽上又加了一项垂着两个帽耳朵的睡帽，穿着妈妈强使我穿的她那件短棉睡衣，在他们看来，我那样子的确象一个真正的巫师。而且当时将近午夜，他们毫不怀疑地认为这是要举行巫师会议了。他们不愿意接着看下去，一个个惊慌万分地跑开了，并且叫醒了他们的邻居，把看见的事讲给他们听。这件事传得非常快，第二天，邻近的人就都知道在诺厄荣先生家的花园里举行了一次巫师会议。如果不是一个亲眼见到我作“妖术”的农民当天就向两个耶稣会士抱怨了一番，我真不知道这种谣言最后会产生多大后果。耶稣会士不明真相，只顺口给他作了一些解释。后来，这两个耶稣会士来看我们，向我们叙述了这件事，我向他们说明了原委，大家都不禁笑了起来。为了避免再发生类似事件，当即决定以后我再去观察星空时就不要点蜡烛，看天体图则只在屋里看。我敢说，凡是在《山中书简》中读过我所谈的威尼斯幻术的人，一定会认为我早就具有做巫师的特殊天赋了。 这就是没有什么田间工作可做的时候，我在沙尔麦特的生活情形。我是特别愿意做田间工作的，只要是自己能胜任的活计，我干起来同农民一样；但是，由于我的身体极弱。我干的活计，只能说是其志可嘉。再说，由于我同时要做两种工作，结果哪样也没有做好。我认定用强记的方法可以加强记忆力，于是我坚持尽量多背一些东西，为此，我常常随身携带书本，以难以置信的毅力，一面干活儿，一面诵读和复习。我不知道为什么我这种顽强的、不间断的、无结果的努力居然没有使我变成傻子。维吉尔的牧歌，我学了又学，不知念了多少遍，结果现在还是一句都不会。不论是到鸽棚、菜园、果园或葡萄园，我总是随身携带着书本，因此我丢失或弄破了好些书。每当干别的活计时，我就把书本随便放在树底下或篱笆上，因此到处都有我干完活忘记拿走的书，及至两星期后重新找到时，那些书不是已经发霉就是叫蚂蚁和蜗牛给咬坏了。这种死用功的习惯不久就成了一种怪癖，干活的时候，我几乎跟傻子似地嘴里不断在嘟哝和默诵什么东西。 波尔－洛雅勒修道院和奥拉托利会的著作是我最常读的，结果使我成了半让赛尼优斯教派的信徒了，虽然我自信心很强，他们那种严酷的神学教义却也有时叫我惊恐。那令人恐怖的地狱，我从来不觉得多么可怕，现在也渐渐扰乱了我内心的宁静，如果不是妈妈把我的心安定下来，这种可怕的学说最后一定会使我的精神完全陷入错乱状态。当时我的听忏悔师也是她的听忏悔师，他在使我保持心神的宁静方面出了不少力。这个人是耶稣会士海麦神父，他是一位和善而聪明的老人，我一想起他的音容，一种崇拜的心情使油然而生。他虽然是耶稣会士，但是有稚子般的纯朴。他的道德观与其说是宽容，不如说是温厚，这正符合我的需要，以使减轻让赛尼优斯教派加给我的那种阴森可怕的印象。这位憨厚的人和他的同伴古皮埃神父常到沙尔麦特来看我们，虽然对他们那么大年纪的人来说，这条路很不好走而又相当远。他们的拜访使我受益很大，但愿上帝也以同样的好处赐与他们的灵魂吧！当时他们的年纪已经很大了，我实在难以设想他们今天还活在人间。我当时也常到尚贝里去看望他们，渐渐地同那里的人搞熟了，有时就象在自己家里一样，他们的图书馆我也能够利用。每当我回忆起这段幸福的时期，也就联想到耶稣会士，以致因前者而喜欢后者。尽管我一向认为他们的学说很危险，但我从来未能从心里憎恨他们。 我真想知道别人心里是否也会产生象我心里有时产生的如此幼稚可笑的想法。在我忙于研究各种学问和过着一个人所能过的最纯洁的生活当中，不管别人对我说些什么，害怕地狱的心情仍在扰乱着我。我经常问自己：“我现在的情况怎么样呢？如果我立刻死去的话，会不会被贬下地狱呢？”按照我所理解的让赛尼优斯教派的教义。那是不容置疑的，但是我的良心却告诉我，我不会下地狱。长期处于惶恐不安之中，动摇于令人困惑的两可之间，为了摆脱这种烦恼，我竟采用了最可笑的方法，我想，如果我看见另一个人也采用我这种方法，我一定会把他当作疯子关起来的。有一天我一面想着这个令人苦恼的问题，一面漫不经心地对着几棵树的树干练习扔石头；当然，按照我素常的技巧，我差不多是一棵也不会打中的。在这有趣的练习中，我忽然想起借此来占卜一下，以便消除我的忧虑。我对自己说：“我要用这块石头投击我对面的那棵树，如果打中了，说明我可以升天堂，如果打不中，说明我要下地狱。”我这样说着，心里怦怦直跳，手颤抖着把石块投了出去，但是，非常之巧，正好中在树干的正中央。其实这并不难，因为我特意选择了一棵最粗最近的树。从此以后，我对自己的灵魂能够得救再也不怀疑了。当我回忆起这一幼稚行为的时候，真不知道是该笑还是该哭。你们这些伟大的人物，你们看我这样，一定会发笑的，你们为自己而庆幸吧，但是，请你们不要嘲笑我那可怜的弱点吧，我向你们发誓，我确实是深深感到烦恼的。 不过，这些不安和恐惧或许是和我的虔诚信仰分不开的，但这并不是一种经常的状态。一般说来，我是相当平静的；我虽感到死亡之将至，但这种感觉对我心灵的影响，与其说是悲伤，不如说是一种平静的幽思，甚至其中还有某种甜蜜的滋味。我最近在旧纸堆里找到了一篇为劝勉自己而写的文字，当时我为自己能在有足够的勇气正视死亡的年龄死去而感到幸福，因为在我这短短的一生中，无论是肉体上或是精神上都没有遭受到多大痛苦；我的这种看法是多么正确啊！一种活下去要受苦的预感使我害怕。我仿佛已经预见到我晚年的命运了。我这一辈子只是在那个幸福的年代最接近于明智。对过去没有多大的懊悔，对未来也毫不担心，经常占据着我心灵的思想就是享受现在。笃信上帝的人通常有一种虽然不大但却十分强烈的私欲：他们往往以无比的兴趣玩味那些允许他们享受的纯洁的欢乐。世俗的人们则认为这是一种犯罪，我不知道这是为什么，或者更确切地说，我知道得很清楚：这是因为他们嫉妒别人享受他们自己已经失去兴趣的那些简单的快乐。我那时是有这种兴趣的，并且我认为能够于心无愧地满足这种兴趣确实是一件乐事。那时，我的心还没有被触动过，对于一切都是以孩童般的欢乐去接受，甚至可以说，是以天使般的欢乐去接受的，因为这种无忧无虑的享受确实有点象天堂里的那种宁静的幸福。蒙塔纽勒草地上的午餐。凉亭下的夜饮，采摘瓜果，收获葡萄，灯下和仆人们一起剥麻，所有这一切对我们来说都是真正的节日，妈妈同我一样感到非常快乐。二人单独散步更具有诱惑力，因为这样可以更自由地倾诉衷肠。在许多次这类的散步中。圣路易节日的那次散步是我特别不能忘怀的，那天正是妈妈的命名日。我们二人一清早就出门了。出门之前，我们先到离家不远的一个小教堂里去望弥撒，这场弥撒是在天刚刚亮时由一位圣衣会的神父来做的。望完了弥撒，我建议到对面山腰里去游览，因为那里我们还没有去过。我们派人先把食物送到那里，因为我们这次要玩一整天。妈妈的身体虽然有些胖，但走起路来还不怎么困难。我们越过一个个小山岗，穿过了一片又一片树林，有时是在太阳底下，多半时间是在浓荫下面，我们走累了就休息一下，就这样，不知不觉地好几个小时过去了。我们边走边谈，谈我们自己，谈我们的结合，谈我们的甜蜜生活，我们为这种生活能长久下去而祈祷，但是上天并没有让我们如愿以偿。所有这一切都好象在赞助这一天的幸福。那一天正是雨后不久，没有一丝尘土，溪水愉快地奔流，清风拂动着树叶，空气清新，晴空万里，四周的一片宁静气氛一如我们的内心。我们的午餐是在一个农民家里准备的，我们同他们在一起吃，那一家人真诚地为我们祝福。这些可怜的萨瓦人是多么善良啊！午饭后，我们来到大树的荫凉底下，我拾些为煮咖啡用的干树枝，妈妈则在灌木丛中兴致勃勃地采集药草。她拿着我在路上给她采集的花束向我讲起关于花的构造的许多新奇知识，这使我感到十分有趣，按理说，这本可以引起我对植物学的爱好，但是时间不凑巧，当时我研究的东西太多了。而且，一种使我百感交集的思想把我的心思从花草上转移开了。我当时的精神状态，我们那一天所谈的和所作的一切以及所有使人深受感动的种种事物，无不使我回忆起七八年前我在安讷西完全清醒时所做过的、而我在前面的有关章节里已提到过的那种美梦。两者的情景是那样相似，以致我一想起，就感动得流下泪来。在满怀柔情的激动中，我拥抱着这位可爱的女友，热烈地向她说：“妈妈，妈妈，这个日子是你好久以前就许给我的，除此以外，我什么也不希望了。由于你，我的幸福已达极点，但愿它永不减退！但愿它和我能领会这种幸福的心一样久长！但愿它只能和我自己同时结束。” 我的幸福日子就这样安然地流逝着。这些日子是那样幸福，以致使我看不到有任何东西可以扰乱它们，我只觉得除非到我生命的末日，它是不会有终结的一天的。这并不是说使我产生忧虑的泉源已经完全消失，但是我看到它的趋势正在改变，于是我就尽力把它引向有益的方面，以便从中找到补救的方法。妈妈自己是喜欢乡村的，她的这种兴趣并没有因和我在一起而减退。她现在也渐渐对田园工作感到兴趣了，喜欢利用经营田地作为取得生计的手段，她在这方面的知识是相当丰富的，也很乐意加以利用。她不能满足于她所租的那所住宅周围的田地了，她有时租一块耕地，有时又租一块牧场。总之，她既然把事业心放在农事方面，她也就不再愿意无所事事地呆在家里了，拿她当时所经营的农事来看，她不久就要成为大农庄主了。我不愿意看见她把经营规模扩充得如此之大，尽可能地加以劝阻，因为我知道这样下去她准又要受骗的，加之她那种慷慨和挥霍的天性，结果总是使开支超过收益。然而，一想到这种收益不会是微不足道的，而且也可以补助一下她的生活，我也就感到些安慰了。在她所制订的种种计划中，这个计划的危险性还算是最小的，而且我并不和她一样把这当作一件牟利的事业，而是把它当作使她摆脱开那些冒险事业和骗子手的经常性的手段。根据这种想法，我急切地希望恢复体力和健康，以便照管她的事业，做她的监工或管家；当然，这样做我就得常常丢开书本，也不再有时间考虑我的病情，从而会促进我的健康的恢复。 这年冬天，巴里约从意大利回来，给我带来了几本书，其中有邦齐里神父所写的《消遣录》和所编的《音乐论文集》。这两本书使我对音乐史和对这种艺术的理论研究发生了兴趣。巴里约同我们一起住了几天。我在几个月前已达到成人年龄，我已约定明春去日内瓦领回我母亲的遗产，或者至少在得到我哥哥的确实信息以前先要回我本人应该继承的那一份。事情是按照预定的步骤办理的。我去日内瓦的时候，父亲也去了。他早就去过日内瓦，也没有人找他的麻烦，虽然对他所下的判决并未撤销。但是，由于人们钦佩他的勇敢和尊敬他的正直，便装作把他的事情忘记了；而政府的成员们正在忙于一个不久就要付诸实施的重大计划，不愿意过早地激怒市民，使他们恰在这个时候回忆起过去的不公正措施。 我很怕有人由于我改教的事而在继承问题上故意刁难；结果没有出什么事。在这方面，日内瓦的法律不象伯尔尼的法律那么严峻；在伯尔尼，凡是改变信仰的人，不仅要丧失他的身分，而且还会丧失他的财产。人们对我的继承权并没有发生争议，只是我不知道为什么我的继承部分竟变得那样少，几乎是所余无几了。虽然我哥哥的死亡是确实无疑的了，但尚无法律证据，我没有充分的证明材料可以要求他的那一份，我毫不惋惜地把他应继承的那份财产留给了父亲，以便补助他的生活。我父亲一直到去世都享用了它。法律手续一办妥，我刚一拿到自己那笔钱，除了用一部分买了一些书外，我飞快地把其余的钱全部送到妈妈眼前。一路上我高兴得心里直跳，当我把这笔钱交到她手里的时候，比我刚得到这笔钱的时候还要快活千百倍。她淡漠地接过这笔钱，这是具有高贵灵魂的人所共有的态度，他们不会对别人的这类举动感到惊讶，因为对他们来说，这不过是区区小事罢了。后来，她以同样的淡漠态度把这笔钱几乎完全花在我的身上。我认为，即使这笔钱是她从别处得来的，她也会这样花掉的。