Chapter 13 Chapter 6-2

At this time, not only did my health not recover at all, but it seemed to be deteriorating day by day.At that time, I was as pale as a dead man, as thin as a skeleton, my pulse was beating violently, the number of heartbeats was more frequent, and I often felt short of breath.I was so weak that I found it difficult to even move, and I was out of breath when I walked too fast, and I became dizzy when I lowered my head, and I couldn't even lift the lightest thing; I can't do anything, which is the biggest distress.No doubt all these circumstances were to a great extent mingled with nervousness.Nervousness is a disease of happy people, and it is my disease too: I often cry for no reason, and the rustle of a leaf or the cry of a bird often startles me. Emotions are not calm even in the comfortable and quiet life.All this indicated my weariness of a comfortable life, and made me feel unbelievably sentimental.We were not made for happiness in this world; and if soul and body were not both to suffer, one of them must suffer, and the goodness of the one would almost always be to the disadvantage of the other.When I could enjoy the pleasures of life happily, my declining body would not allow me to enjoy them, and no one could tell the real cause of my disease.Afterwards, though I was advanced in age, and afflicted with really serious diseases, my body seemed to regain its original strength to better withstand its own calamities.Now, when I am writing this book, I, an old man of nearly sixty years old, is suffering from various diseases, and my body has been weakened, but I feel that in my suffering old age, my physical and mental strength More alive and more vigorous than in the days of truly happy youth.

Finally, I became interested in anatomy as a result of reading a little physiology while reading.I was constantly thinking about the many parts that make up my machine, wondering about their functions and activities, and I often had a premonition that something was going to go wrong somewhere in me.So what amazes me is not why I'm always so half-dead, but why I'm still alive.Every time I read about a disease, I think this is my disease.I am convinced that, had I not been ill, I should have become a sick man by the study of this unfortunate science.Since I found the same symptoms as mine in every disease, I thought I had everything.In addition, I suffered from a more serious disease that I thought I didn't have, that is: curative addiction, which is inevitable for anyone who studies medicine.As a result of my research, thinking, and comparisons, I have come to believe that the source of my ailments is a sarcoma in my heart, and Salomon seems surprised by my idea.Logically speaking, I should stick to my previous resolution based on this idea.But I didn't do that. Instead, I tried my best to cure this sarcoma in my heart, and decided to carry out this whimsical treatment immediately.In the past, when Anais went to Montpellier to visit the Botanical Garden and Sauvage, the chief technician of the garden, someone told him that Mr. Fitz had cured such a sarcoma.My mother remembered the incident and told me what had happened, and that was enough to stimulate my desire to go to Mr. Fitz for treatment.Because of my eagerness for treatment, I also had the courage and strength to make this trip, and the money I brought from Geneva could be used to pay for my travel expenses.Mother, instead of dissuading me, encouraged me to do so, and I set off for Montpellier.

Actually, I don't have to travel that far to find the doctor I need.Tired of riding, I hired a limousine at Grenoble.At Morans, five or six cars followed in a row behind my car.This is really like the story of the carriage team in the comedy.Most of these cars were accompanied by a newlywed woman named Madame Colombier.The other woman who accompanied her was Madame Larnage, not as young or as pretty as Madame Colombier, but equally lovely.Madame Colombier will stop at Rome, and Madame Larnage will go from Rome to Saint-Andéol near the Holy Spirit Bridge.I am known to be very shy, and shy of meeting strangers, and must have thought that I should never soon make the acquaintance of these respectable ladies and their attendants.However, since we walked the same road, lived in the same hotel, and sometimes had to eat at the same table, it was impossible for me to avoid getting acquainted with them, otherwise I would be considered a lonely and weird person.In this way, we got acquainted very quickly, even a little too early in my opinion, because all the noisy talking and laughing is quite inappropriate for a patient, especially one with my temperament. of.However, the curiosity of these smart and well-behaved women is so strong that in order to make acquaintance with a man, they always start by confusing him.This is what happened to me.Madame Colombier, surrounded by her beauties, had no time to bother me, and she had no need, since we were about to part.As for Madame Larnage, there were not many people who pestered her, and she needed someone to entertain her on the road, so she got involved with me.So farewell, poor Jean-Jacques, or rather, my fever, my depression, my sarcoma!All of that melted away around her, and I was left with a little heartbeat, the only thing she wouldn't fix for me.My health is not good, is the initial lead we met.Although people knew that I was sick and that I was going to Montpellier, I thought it must be because I looked and behaved like a nonsense, so it was obvious afterwards that no one would suspect me. It is due to excessive indulgence to cure diseases.Although illness does not make a man popular with women, this time it made me a caring figure.Early in the morning, they sent people to check on my condition, and invited me to share cocoa tea with them, and they asked me if I slept well at night.Once, in keeping with my commendable habit of speaking without thinking, I replied that I did not know.Such an answer made them think me a fool, and they made further observations about me, which did me no harm.I once heard Mme. Colombier say to her friend: "He is very lovable, though unsophisticated." This remark greatly encouraged me, and made me really cute.

Now that they are familiar with each other, everyone always wants to talk about themselves, where they come from, and what kind of person they are.I was embarrassed at the time, because I knew very well that among high-society people, especially among high-society women, if I was told that I was a recent convert to Catholicism, I would be ignored at once.I don't know what quaint idea it was to pretend to be an Englishman. I called myself a Jacobean, and people really believed me.I said my name was Du Ding, and people also called me Mr. Du Ding.The Marquis de Torinian, who was there at the time, was also there, a sick man like me, not only old, but not very good-tempered, and he started talking to M. Doudin.He talked to me about King James, about the contenders, about the Palace of Saint-Germain.I was really on pins and needles, for my knowledge of these matters was very limited, and I had only read a little in Earl Hamilton's writings and in the newspapers.But.Although I don't know a lot of materials, I have used them well, but a conversation was actually perfunctory by me.Luckily he didn't ask me about the English language because I don't know a single word of English.

We are very close together, because we are about to break up, and we all feel a little bit reluctant to part.On the way, we deliberately moved forward slowly like snails.One Sunday we came to Sainte-Marcellin, Madame Larnage was going to Mass.I went with her, which almost spoiled things.As soon as I entered the church, I looked and behaved the same as I usually do in church.When she saw me, she looked very respectful.Thinking that I was a devout believer, she had a very bad impression of me, as she confessed to me two days later.This impression of me was gradually dispelled by my many gestures of gallantry.In fact, Mrs. Larnage was an experienced woman.Not to be outdone, she was willing to take a little risk to express her goodwill to me first, so as to see what my attitude was.She expressed her affection for me again and again, and she was so hot that I didn't believe that she had taken a fancy to my appearance, but thought she was laughing at me.According to this stupid idea, I did a lot of stupid things, and I was worse than the Marquis in the comedy.Madame Larnage was really persistent too, she kept flirting with me, and said so many tender things to me, even a person who is not as stupid as I am can hardly believe it to be true.The more she expressed affection to me, the more convinced I was that I was right, and what troubled me the most was that, after all the fuss, I actually fell in love.I said to myself, and sighed to her too; "Alas! why is it not true! Otherwise I would be the happiest of all men!" Out of her curiosity, she did not want to show her incompetence in this matter.

At Romans we parted from Madame Colombier and her retinue.Madame de Larnage, the Marquis of Taurinyan, and myself continued our journey with the slowest speed and the most cheerful mood.Although the Marquis was sick and chattering, he was a good-hearted man, but he didn't want to just watch other people's fun without intervening to make fun of it himself.Madame de Larnage made no secret of her affection for me, so that the Marquis had noticed it before I myself; if it had not been for the suspicion that only I can have, his insincere jokes At least it will make me feel trust in her kindness that I couldn't believe before.Yet I thought they were in collusion to tease me, and I was more and more bewildered by my stupidity.Take the situation I was in, since I was really in love with her, I could have played a pretty pretty part, only for my stupid idea to play the most mediocre part.I wondered why Madame de Larnage was not bothered by my scowl, and why she did not shake me off with the utmost contempt.However, she is indeed a smart woman, good at understanding people, and she saw clearly that in my behavior, there is more stupidity and less coldness.

Finally, she finally made me understand her mind.We dined at Valence, and, according to our commendable custom, spent the time after lunch there.We lived then outside the town at the Hotel Saint-Jacques, and I will never forget that hotel, and the house where Madame de Larnage lived.After lunch she was going for a walk, and knowing that Mr. Taurinian could not come, she could arrange a private conversation for the two of us, an opportunity she had made up her mind to take advantage of, as time was running out. , To achieve the goal, never miss this opportunity again.We walked slowly along the moat.So, I babbled about my illness to her again, and she replied in such a sweet voice, and from time to time pressed my arm she was holding tightly to her chest, I thought, except for me Except for such a stupid person, no one would not take this opportunity to verify whether what she said was true.The most interesting thing is that I was also very excited at the time.She was lovely, as I said, and now love made her still more charming, restored her youthful splendor, and her coquetry was so virtuous that even the most determined man could be charmed by her. of.So I was very nervous at the time, and I wanted to be presumptuous at any time; but I was afraid of offending her, afraid of making her unhappy, and I was particularly afraid of being ridiculed, ridiculed, teased, and provided with jokes after tea, To make that ruthless Marquis sarcastically say something about my insolence.All this frightened me, and I was angry with myself at my foolish fear; I was still more angry at my inability to overcome my fear, though I hated it.I was literally tortured.I have given up my Seradonian love-chatters, which seem ridiculous to me on such high roads.Since I didn't know what attitude to take or what to say, I had to keep silent.I looked as if I was angry with someone; in short, my every action was just enough to attract me to the things I most dreaded.Fortunately, Mrs. Larnage had a kinder heart.She threw her arms around my neck and broke the silence, and that very instant her lips pressed to mine said it all very clearly and left me without any doubts.It was a perfect coincidence that this sudden turn of events turned me into a lovely person immediately.Without further ado.Before that I had almost always been unable to be myself for lack of the confidence she had given me, and now I was the same again.Never have my eyes, my senses, my mouth and my heart expressed me so well, nor have I made up for my mistakes so fully.Though Madame Larnage had indeed been troubled by this little victory, I have reason to believe that she would not regret it.

Even if I lived to be a hundred years old, I would be happy to think of this charming woman.I say she is charming, even though she is neither beautiful nor young.But she was neither ugly nor old, and there was nothing in her countenance which prevented her wit and her charm from being fully effective.The difference from other women is that her complexion is not bright enough. I think it is because too much rouge in the past has damaged the color of her face.She has her reasons for being flippant in love, as it's a great way to bring out her lovable qualities.It is possible to see her without loving her, but it is impossible to possess her without worshiping her.This, in my opinion, was sufficient evidence that she had not abused her feelings so often as she had with me.It is unforgivable that she fell in love with me so quickly and so strongly, but, in her love, the needs of the soul and the needs of the body are at least equal.During the brief but happy days I passed with her, I could well believe, from the abstinence she imposed on me, that, though a carnal woman, she valued my body more than my satisfaction. own happiness.

Our secret dealings cannot be concealed from the Marquis of Taurinian.But that did not stop him from laughing at me; on the contrary, more than ever he thought of me as a poor lover, a victim of a heartless woman.Not one word, one smile, one look from him could make me suspect that he saw what was going on between us.If Madame Larnage hadn't seen it better than I did, if she hadn't told me that the Marquis hadn't been hidden from us, but he was a very interesting person, I would have thought he had been hidden from us.In truth, there is no one with such a good heart and such good manners.He's the same with me, except he's good at cracking jokes sometimes, especially since I've been successful.Maybe he joked with me to show that he thought I was not as stupid as I made out to be.Obviously, he was mistaken, but what did it matter?I took advantage of his mistake, and, to tell the truth, he was the one who laughed at the time, not me, so I gladly gave him excuse to laugh at me.I sometimes contradicted him, and even contradicted him quite subtly, because I was proud that I could show before Madame Larnage the wisdom she had inspired me.I'm not who I used to be.

We were then traveling in a richest place and season.Thanks to the careful attention of the Marquis of Taurinyan, we were well ate and ate everywhere.He even extended his kindness to our room, which should have been no concern of his, but sent a servant to book the room beforehand, and the wretched servant did not know whether it was his own initiative or at the request of his master. Instigate him to live next door to Madame Larnage, and put me at the end of the house.But this can't help me, and the fun of our tryst has become more intense.Our happy life lasted for four or five days. During these short days, I tasted the sweetest sensual pleasures and was intoxicated in them.The pleasure I had was perfect, intense, devoid of any bitterness, the first and only pleasure, and I can say that I owe Madame Larnage for enabling me to appreciate it before I die. Here's to the fun.

Even if my affection for her could not be called real love, it was at least a tender return from me to the love she showed me, a very sensual passion in pleasure, a kind of sensuality in conversation. A very sweet intimacy, in which there is the charm of passion, but without such madness that it makes people lose their minds, so that they cannot enjoy pleasure if they have it.Only once in my life have I felt true love, but not by her side.I never loved her as much as I loved Madame Warren, and that is why I feel a hundred times happier in having her than in possessing Madame Warren.My happiness in Mother's presence was always interrupted by a melancholy mood, an insurmountable guilt. Instead of feeling happy when I possessed her, I always felt that I had dishonored her character.With Madame de Larnage, on the contrary, I am proud of the happiness that a man can enjoy, so that I can indulge with pleasure and confidence, and I can share the same happiness that I give her. Joy, my mood is quite stable, I appreciate my victory with infinite vanity and joy, and try to get a bigger victory from this victory. I don't remember where the Marquis of Taurignan left us; he was a native of the country, but before we reached Montélimar there were only the two of us left.Since then Madame Larnage has sent her maid into my carriage.And let me ride in the same car with her.I can say with certainty that we would not be bored by such a journey, but as to what was to be seen along the way, it is difficult for me to say.At Montélimar she had some business to do and she stayed there for three days.During these three days, she only left me for a quarter of an hour to visit one person.That visit had brought her a lot of insipid pestering and invitations.She would never accept those invitations, so she politely declined on the pretext of being uncomfortable.But this discomfort did not prevent us from traveling around alone under the most beautiful places and the most beautiful skies every day.Ah, three days of happiness!I still sometimes recall these three happy days with melancholy. Those days are gone forever! Love in travel cannot last forever.We must part.Honestly, it's time for us to break up too, it's not that I'm bored or about to be, I'm getting more and more attached to her.In spite of Madame de Larnage's moderation, I had more than I could think of.But I was determined to enjoy myself with what little energy I had left before we parted, and she obeyed in order to prevent me from approaching the girls of Montpellier.To find some consolation in parting, we made plans to meet again.It was decided that, as this method of recuperation was good for me, I should continue it and spend the winter at Saint-Andéol, under the care of Madame Larnage.But I need to stay at Montpellier for five or six weeks, so as to give her time to make the necessary arrangements and avoid gossip.She gave me very detailed instructions on what to know, what to say, and how to behave when I arrived in Saint-Andéol.We also agreed to correspond with each other before meeting.She solemnly told me a lot about caring for my body; she advised me to go to some famous doctors and strictly abide by all their regulations; she also said that no matter how strict their regulations are, when I return to her side When the time comes, she must assume the responsibility to let me obey.I trust her words to be genuine, because she loves me: her performances in this respect are more reliable than my caresses.She saw from my luggage that I was not very rich, and though she herself was not rich, she made sure, when we parted, to give me half of the considerable sum she had brought from Grenoble. , it took me a lot of effort to decline.In the end, I left her, my heart was completely occupied by her, and at the same time, I felt that I also left a true love for me in her heart. As I recalled the journey with her from the beginning, and continued my journey, I was deeply relieved that I was sitting in a comfortable car, and I could relive the happiness I had and enjoy it. Looking forward to the happiness she told me.All I could think of was Saint-Andéol and the good life I was about to start there, and nothing in the world concerned me except Madame de Larnage and her family. up.Even Mom was left behind.I put all my energy into connecting in my mind all the details that Madame de Larnage had told me, in order to get an idea of ​​her abode, her neighbourhood, her intercourse, and her whole way of life. .She has a daughter, the jewel in her heart that she has mentioned to me more than once.This girl was already fifteen years old, lively and lovely, and mild-natured.Madame Larnage had promised me that she would like me, and I never forgot this promise, and I was very curious to see how Mademoiselle Larnage would treat her mother's close friend.These were some of the main things I thought at the center of the journey from Holy Spirit Bridge to Chin Mulan.I was told to check out the Pont du Gard and I certainly didn't miss the opportunity.After breakfasting on some luscious figs, I took a guide to see the Pont du Gard.This is the first great project of the ancient Romans that I have seen.For the only time in my life I was expecting to see a building worthy of the hands of a Roman builder, and on closer inspection it surpassed my imagination.Only the Romans can have such an effect on me.I was struck by the splendor of this modest and majestic project, especially since it was built in the middle of a vast and uninhabited wilderness, and the silence and desolation of the scene made the monument all the more strange and admirable.The so-called bridge turned out to be nothing more than an ancient aqueduct.People can't help but wonder, what is the power to transport these huge boulders here from distant quarries?What is the force that concentrates the labor of countless people in this place where there is no one inhabitant?I visited all three floors of this majestic building, and a feeling of admiration made me hardly dare to trample on it.The sound of my steps under those wide vaults made me think I heard the sonorous voice of the builder.I felt like an insect lost in this majestic and huge building.Although I felt small, at the same time I felt that there was an indescribable power that lifted my soul to another level, and I couldn't help sighing: "If only I were a Roman!" I stayed there. For hours, lost in delightful meditation.When I came back, I was in a daze, as if thinking of something, and this state of being absent-minded was not good for Madame Larnage.She was very concerned that I would not be seduced by the girls of Montpellier, but she forgot to warn me not to be seduced by the Pont du Gard, which shows that one cannot be very thoughtful about everything. I visited the arena in Nîmes.This is a much grander building than the Pont du Gard, but it left me with a less strong impression, perhaps because after I visited the first building, nothing seemed strange to me, or maybe Because this second building is located in the center of the city, it is less likely to cause people to be surprised.It is a pity that such a vast and magnificent arena is surrounded by simple and small houses, and many smaller and simpler houses have been built in the arena, so that the whole building can only give people a chaotic and incongruous impression. Feelings of joy and wonder are stifled by feelings of unhappiness.Later, I visited the arena in Verona, which was much smaller than this one in Nîmes, and not as beautiful as the one in Nîmes, but it was well preserved and kept very clean, so it gave me On the contrary, the impression is deeper and more pleasant.The French are indifferent to everything, and have no love for ancient monuments.Whatever they do, they start off in a rage and end in haste, and save nothing. I was quite another person then; my pleasure-seeking heart, once aroused, burned violently.I stopped for a day at the "Pont Lunel Hotel" for the sole purpose of having a great meal there with my fellow travelers.The hotel was one of the most admired in all of Europe, and at that time it deserved its reputation.The proprietor takes advantage of the inn's privileges, and the dishes on offer are of the richest and finest.In the wilderness, in such a lonely restaurant, it is really rare to be able to enjoy a feast of sea and freshwater fish, the best game and expensive wine; So thoughtful, you can only meet in the homes of princes and rich people, and all this is just to earn you thirty-five sous.However, this "Pont Lunel Hotel" could not last long, and because it relied too much on its own reputation, it finally lost it completely. During this part of my journey I forgot that I was an invalid, and it was only at Montpellier that I remembered my illness.My depression is completely cured, but all the other illnesses are still there; although I have become used to it because of the time, the illness is there, and if someone suddenly got such an illness, he would feel that he would not live long.In fact, my illnesses frightened me rather than distressed me, and the mental anguish they caused seemed to outweigh the physical anguish they foreshadowed impending doom.Therefore, when my heart is occupied by my strong passions, I ignore all diseases; however, my disease is not my imagination, so when my spirit is stable, the disease immediately feels Out.At this time I began to seriously consider Madame Larnage's advice and the object of my journey.I went at once to the most experienced doctors, Mr. Fitz chiefly, and, just to be on the safe side, I took my meals at one doctor's house.The doctor's name is Fitzmaurice, and he is an Irishman. There are many medical students who provide meals at his home; a patient joins the team, and there is such a convenience that Mr. Fitzmaurice does not charge much for the board. Moreover, as a doctor, he gave the people who ate at his house occasional medical visits without paying a penny.He was in charge of carrying out Mr. Fitz's prescriptions and taking care of my health.He was so conscientious in administering diet regimens that no one ever got a stomach bug in his home.Although I don't feel much distressed by the restrictions imposed on the diet, there still seems to be something to compare with, which makes me sometimes feel that, as a provider, Mr. Taurinyan is more important than others. Mr. Fitzmaurice was much wiser.But here, I will never be too hungry. Besides, all those young people are talking and laughing, and they are very happy. This way of life is really good for my body. I am not as listless as before.Every morning I take medicine, mainly drinking some mineral water I don't know the name of, I think it is mineral water of Vals, and besides writing to Madame Larnage.The correspondence between us has continued, and I, Rousseau, received and forwarded those letters in the name of Du Ding's friend.At noon, I went for a walk in Rakanurg with a certain young man who was dining at the same table.These young men were the best fellows, and we always got together before lunch, and then we ate together.After lunch and into the evening, most of us were engaged to an important business, which was to play two or three games of mallet outside the town, with tea for the loser.I don't play ball, I don't have that kind of physical strength, I don't have that kind of skill, but I take part in gambling.Concerned about winning and losing, I followed the players and the ball up and down the rough and pebbled roads, a very agreeable exercise to me, both pleasant and healthy.We had tea in a tavern outside the town, which, needless to say, was very merry.But I should add that, although the girls in the tavern were very pretty, we did not behave frivolously at tea.Fitzmaurice is a good hitter and he's our leader.I can say that despite the notoriety of college students, the dignity and politeness displayed by this group of young people is hard to find even among many adults.They are loud but not frivolous, lively but not presumptuous.Any kind of life style, as long as I don't feel its pressure, I can easily adapt to it, and I am willing to continue it forever.Several of these students were Irish, and I tried to learn a few words of English from them, so that I could use them when necessary when I arrived in Saint-Andéol.The time for my going there was drawing nearer now, and every letter from Madame de Larnage urged me to go, and I was going to do as she said.I saw it clearly: my doctors had no understanding of my disease, and they all regarded me as a person who was looking for a disease without a disease, so they used water chestnuts, mineral water, and whey milk to perfuse me.Physicians and philosophers, in contrast to theologians, hold that only what they can explain is true, and they judge things by their own understanding.These gentlemen don't know anything about my disease, so I don't have it: how can it be doubted that the M.D. is not omniscient?I thought they were just playing tricks on me until I spent all my money, and I thought that the one from Saint-Andéol could take their place, would be no worse than them, and would make me happier, so I decided to choose her, and with this wise intention I left Montpellier. I set off at the end of November, and spent about twelve louis d'or during my six weeks or two months in this city, which I had, both in terms of health and medical knowledge, None of them did me any good, except Mr. Fitzmaurice's anatomy course, which I had only just begun, and I had to give up because of the stench of dissecting corpses. Deep down I was disturbed by my decision, and I reflected as I continued on to the Pont des Spirites, which leads to Saint-Andéol and to Chambery.My thoughts of my mother and her letters to me-though her letters were less frequent than Madame Larnage's-had aroused in me a feeling of remorse.On the way back I had suppressed this feeling, and this time on the way home my remorse had grown so strong that it completely extinguished my interest in pleasure-seeking, leaving only the voice of reason at work.In the first place, if I try to play the adventurer again, I probably won't be as lucky as I was the first time; as long as there is anyone in Saint-Andeol who has been to England, or knows English people, or can speak English, I can be exposed. .Madame de Larnage's family might also be hostile to me, and even treat me unceremoniously, and that daughter of hers—whom I could not help missing more than I should—would terrify me: I was afraid Will fall in love with her, this kind of fear has already determined half of the matter.I thought, her mother has been so kind to me, do I want to repay her mother for what she has done to me by seducing her daughter, having the most despicable relationship with her, causing divisions in her family, humiliation, shame, and endless pain Are you kind?想到这里，我内心十分恐怖。我下了最大的决心：假如这个可耻的倾向稍一露出苗头，我一定要和它搏斗，把它消灭掉。可是，我为什么要去寻找这种搏斗呢？和她母亲生活在一起，由于日久生厌而贪恋起女儿，却又不敢向她表露心情，这将是多么可悲的处境啊！我为什么一定要去寻找这种处境？ !难道是为了追求我早已享尽其精华的快乐，而使自己置身于不幸、受辱和后悔无穷的境地吗？很显然，我的欲望已经失去了最初的活力；寻乐的兴趣还在，但激情已经没有了。除此以外，还掺杂着一些其他的想法：我想到自己的处境、自己的责任，想到我那位善良而豪爽的妈妈，她已经负了不少债，而由于我的胡乱花钱，她负债又增多了；她为我操尽了心，而我却这样卑鄙地欺骗了她。我所感到的内疚太激烈了，终于战胜了一切。在离圣灵桥已经不远的时候，我下定决心，到圣昂代奥勒镇后片刻不停，一直走过去。我勇敢地执行了这项决定，虽然我承认当时不免感到有点惋惜，但同时我也是有生以来第一次感受到了一种内心的满足，我自言自语地说：“我应该佩服我自己，我能够将自己的责任置于自己的欢乐之上。”这是我第一次真正从读书中得到的益处：它教导我进行思考和比较。我想起不久以前自己曾接受了十分纯洁的道德原则，我给自己订立了明智而崇高的立身之道，并且以能够遵守这些道理而深感自豪。然而我感到羞愧的是，我竟否定了自己的原则，这么快这么明目张胆地背弃了自己所订立的立身之道。现在这种羞愧心战胜了我的情欲。在我的决心中，虚荣心和责任心所起的作用或许是相等的，这种虚荣心虽然不能算作美德，但它所产生的效果是那么相似，即使弄混了也是可以原谅的。 善良的行为有一种好处，就是使人的灵魂变得高尚了，并且使它可以做出更美好的行为。因为人类是有弱点的，人受到某种诱惑要去做一件坏事而能毅然中止，也就可以算作善行了。我一下定决心，我就变成另一个人了，或者更正确地说，我又恢复了以前的我，恢复了迷醉的时刻曾一度消逝了的我了。我满怀高尚的心情和善良的愿望继续着我的路程，一心想悔赎前愆，决定以后要以高尚的道德原则来约制我的行为，要毫无保留地为最好的妈妈服务，要向她献出和我对她的爱恋同样深切的忠诚，除了爱我的职责并听从这种爱的驱使以外，决不再听从其他的意念。well!我以一片真心重新走上了正路，这似乎可以使我得到另一种命运了，然而我的命运是早已注定了的，并且已经开始了，当我那颗满怀着美好和真诚之爱的心灵，不顾一切地奔向那纯洁和幸福的生活的时候，我却接近了将要给我带来无数灾难的不幸时刻。 我那急于到达的迫切心情使我出乎预料地加速了行程。我在瓦朗斯向妈妈通知了我到达的日期和时刻，由于我赶路的结果，到达的日期比预计的提前了，我就故意在沙帕雷朗停留了半天，以便准时抵达。我愿意尽情地享受一下同她久别重逢的快乐，而且还愿意把这个时刻再稍微延长一会儿，以便给这种快乐再加上一点急切期待的乐趣。这种办法以往一直是成功的：我每次归来就象是个小小的节日。这一次我也希望如此，所以尽管我思归之情是那么急切，但是把归期稍微延缓一下，也是值得的。 因此，我完全是按照预定的时间到达了。从老远，我就希望看见她在路上等候我，我离家越近，心跳得越厉害，及至到家后，已经气都喘不过来了，因为我在城里时就下了车。可是无论是在院子里，在门前，在窗口，我一个人都没有看见。我的心马上慌了，怕发生了什么意外。我走了进去，一切都是静悄悄的，佣工们在厨房里吃点心，一点儿也看不出大家是在等候我的样子。女仆看到我还吃了一惊，她并不知道我要回来。我走上楼去，终于见到了她，见到了我那亲爱的妈妈，见到了我那如此深切、如此炽烈、如此纯真地爱着的妈妈。我奔上前去，扑倒在她的脚下。“啊！你回来了，我的孩子，”她一面拥抱着我，一面向我说，“你一路上好吗？身体怎么样？”这种接待使我有点不知所措。我问她是否接到了我的信。她说接到了。我回答说；“我还以为你没有接到呢！”我们的话就到此为止。当时有一个年轻人同她在一起。我认识他，我动身以前就在家里见到过他；不过这一次他好象就住在这里了，事实上也正是这样。简而言之，我的位置被别人占据了。 这个青年是伏沃地方的人，他的父亲名叫温费里德，是个守门人，自称是希永城堡的上尉。上尉先生的这个儿子是一个年轻的理发师，他就以这种身分奔走于上流社会里，他也是以这种身分到华伦夫人家里来的。华伦夫人很好地接待了他，一如她盛情接待所有过路的人，特别是她家乡的人一样。他是一个相当庸俗的高个儿的金黄色头发少年，体格倒还端正，但面貌却相当平凡，智力也是如此，谈起话来很象漂亮的利昂德。他用他那一行业的人所特有的腔调和方式滔滔不绝地叙述他自己的那些风流韵事；列举了一半同他睡过觉的侯爵夫人的名字，并且还自吹自擂地说，凡是他给理过发的那些漂亮女人，他都给她们的丈夫戴过绿帽子。他无聊、愚蠢、粗鲁、厚颜无耻；不过，在其他方面，他还是个道地的好人。这就是我出门在外时她找来的我的替身，也就是在我旅行回来后她向我推荐的合伙人。 what!如果摆脱了尘世羁绊的灵魂，还能从永恒之光的怀抱中看到人世间所发生的一切，我亲爱的尊敬的幽灵啊！那就请你原谅我未能对你的过错比对自己的过错表示出更多的宽恕，原谅我把这二者同时揭露在读者的面前吧！不管是对你还是对我自己，我都应当而且也愿意说真话，在这方面你的损失要比我的损失小得多。what!你那可爱而和蔼的性格，你那永不厌倦的好心肠，你的直爽和一切卓越的美德，这里有多少优点可以拿来抵偿你的缺点啊，如果可以把仅只是理智造成的错误也叫做缺点的话！你做过错事，但并非堕落。你的行为应该受到责备，但你的心总是纯洁的！要是把好事和坏事放在天平上来衡量，公正地判断一下：有哪一个女人——如果她的私生活也能象你的私生活这样公开摆出来让大家看看——敢于同你相比呢？ 这位新来的人对于交给他的一切小事都表现得十分热心和勤快，而且非常认真；这些小事一向是很多的。他担负起了监督她的雇工的责任。干活时，我是相当安静的，他却最喜欢瞎嚷嚷，不管是在田间，草垛旁，木柴堆旁，马厩或家禽场，他到处使人看到他，特别使人听到他的声音。只有园子的事他不怎么关心，因为那是一种不出声的安静的工作。他最大的乐趣是装车、运料、锯木头或劈劈柴，斧头和鹤嘴锄从不离手；人们只听到他到处乱跑，敲敲这，打打那，扯开嗓子大声叫嚷。我不知道他到底是在干多少人的活儿，可是他一来就热闹得好象增加了十多个人。这种乱哄哄的热闹劲儿把我那可怜的妈妈给蒙住了：她认为这个年轻小伙子是帮助她料理农活的一个宝贵人材。她有意把他拴在自己身边，为此她使用了一切她认为可以达到这个目的的方法，当然，她没忘记使用她认为最可靠的那一手。 大家是知道我的心，知道我那始终不渝的、最真挚的感情，特别是驱使我在这时候返回到她身边的那番热情的。现在，这对我的整个生命是多么突然、多么沉重的打击啊！请读者设身处地地想一想吧。我所设想的幸福的未来，刹那间全都烟消云散了。我如此情致缠绵地怀抱着的那些动人的理想完全毁灭了，从幼年起我就把我的生命和她联系在一起，现在我第一次感到了孤独。这个时刻太可怕了！而以后的日子也是那么黯淡。我还年轻，但是使我青年时代富有生气的那种充满快乐和希望的甜蜜感觉永远离开了我。从那时起，我这个多情的人已经死去了一半。摆在我面前的只是索然无味的忧伤的余生，虽然有时在我的欲望中还掠过幸福的影子，但这种幸福已不是我原有的了。我觉得，即使我得到这种幸福，我也不是真正幸福的。 我是那样愚蠢，又是那样充满信心，我真以为这个新来的人和妈妈说话的语气那样亲昵，是由于妈妈的性情随和、跟任何人都非常亲近的缘故。要不是她亲自告诉我，我一辈子也猜不出这里面的真正原因。可是，她很快就以非常直爽的态度向我说明了一切，倘若我的心也往使人发怒的方面想，她那种直率态度就能增加我的愤怒。她认为这是极其平常的事情，她责备我对家里的事采取漠不关心的态度，还说我时常不在家，——真好象她是一个情欲非常强烈的女入，迫切要求填补所感到的空虚。 “啊！妈妈，”我以难于压抑的难过心情向她说，“你怎么竟跟我说这样的话呀？我对你的热爱所得到的就是这样的报酬吗？你曾多次挽救了我的生命，难道就是为了剥夺令我感到生命之可贵的一切东西吗？我将为此而死去，可是将来你想起我的时候一定会后悔的。”她用十分平静的态度对我所作的回答，简直快使我发疯了。她说我还是个孩子，一个人是不会因为这种事而死的，她说我什么也不会失去，我们仍和以前一样是好朋友，在一切方面都还是同样的亲密。她还说，她对我的爱丝毫不会减少，只要她活在人世，它是不会终止的。总之，她的意思是让我明白，我的一切权利没有改变，我只是同另一个人来分享，而不是失去这些权利。 我从来没有象这时候那样深切地感觉到我对她的感情的纯洁、真实和坚定，以及我心灵的真挚和纯朴。我立刻跪在她的脚下，搂住她的双膝，泪如雨下。“不，妈妈，”我激动地对她说“我太爱你了，决不能使你的品格受到损害，占有你。对我来说实在太宝贵了，我不能同别人分享。我当初获得这种占有时所产生的后悔心情，已经随着我对你的爱而日益增长，不，我决不能再以同样的后悔心情来保持这种占有。我要永远崇拜你，但愿你永远配得上我的崇拜。因为对我来说，尊重你的品格比占有你的身体更为重要。啊！妈妈，我要将你让给你自己。我要为我们心灵的结合而牺牲我的一切快乐。我宁愿万死，也不肯享受足以贬低我所爱的人的品格的那种快乐！” 我以坚持的态度遵守着我的决定；我敢说，我这种坚持的态度是和促使我采取这个决定的那种感情正相符合的。从那一刻起，我就只用一个真正的儿子的眼睛来看我所热爱的这位妈妈了。应该指出的是。虽然她私下里并不赞成我的决定（至少我的感觉是这样），但她从来没有使用任何手段来使我放弃自己的决定，无论是婉转的言词，温情的表示，甚至巧妙的手腕，而这些都是一般女人善于使用的：它们既无损于自己的身分而终能使她们如愿以偿。眼看我不得不为自己去寻找与她无关的另一种命运，但又想象不出是哪种命运，于是我走向另一个极端，那就是完全在她身上来寻求我的出路。结果，我的思想是那样完全集中在她身上，以至几乎把我自己都忘掉了。我热烈地希望她能成为一个幸福的人，不管需要我付出多么大的代价，这个愿望吸引了我的一切感情。她虽然要把她的幸福同我的幸福分开，我却不管她愿意不愿意，要把她的幸福看成我的幸福。 这样，在我灵魂深处早就种下的而通过学习培育起来的善的种籽，就在我遭遇不幸的时候开始萌芽，只等逆境的刺激便会开花结果的。我这种完全无私的愿望的第一颗果实就是摆脱了我心里对于夺去我位置的那个人所怀的仇恨和妒嫉。不仅如此，我甚至愿意，并且真诚地愿意同这个青年人结为朋友；我要培养他，关心他的教育，使他认识到他的幸福，如果可能的话，使他不要辜负他的幸福。总之，我要为他而去做阿奈在同样的情况下为我所做过的一切。可是我比不上阿奈。虽然我的性情比较温和，读的书比较多些，但我既不象阿奈那样冷静和那样有耐心，也没有阿奈那种能够受人尊敬的庄重气派，而我若想成功，这种气派正是必须具有的。我在那个青年人身上所发现的优点，也没有阿奈在我身上所发现的那么多，例如：温顺，热情，知恩，特别是有自知之明，感觉自己的确需要别人的教导，并且还有一种从别人的教导中真正得到益处的愿望。而这一切他都没有。我所要培养的这位青年看我不过是一个讨厌的学究，只会空谈。他呢，则认为自己在这个家里是个了不起的人物，而且由于他总是根据他做活儿的响声来衡量他自己在家里所做的工作，所以他认为他的斧头和锄头比我那几本破书有用得多。从某方面来说，他这种看法是不无道理的，但是，他因此而装出的那副神气，简直能笑死人。他对待农民严如乡绅，不久他也如此对待我，最后甚至对妈妈也是这种态度了。他认为他那温赞里德的名字不够尊贵，便不再用它，自称德·古尔提叶先生，后来他就是以这个名字而在尚贝里和在莫里昂讷——他结婚的那个地方——出了名。 最后，这位显赫的人物竟成了一家之主，我则变得微不足道了。当我不幸招他不高兴的时候，他不责备我，而是责备妈妈；我惟恐让妈妈受到他的粗野无礼的对待，只好在他面前做出十分恭顺和唯命是从的样子。每当他以无比的得意神情执行他那劈柴工作的时候，我必须乖乖地站在旁边，作一个无能为力的旁观者，作一个对他的高超本领老老实实的欣赏者。其实，这个小伙子也并不是一个完全不好的人；他爱妈妈，因为他不能不爱她，他甚至对我也没有什么恶感。当他那狂暴的脾气没有发作、可以和他谈谈话的时候，他也能温顺地听我们说话，并且很直爽地承认自己只是一个蠢人，但是事后却并不因此而少做蠢事。此外，他的理解力太有限，趣味又太低级，很难跟他讲道理，几乎不可能同他友好。他既占有一个风姿绰约的女人，还为了加点儿调料，又和一个红黄色头发的、掉了牙的老女仆发生了关系，这是妈妈非常讨厌、勉强使用的一个女仆，虽然妈妈看见她就恶心。当我觉察到这种新奇的丑事以后，真把我气坏了；但是，不久我又觉察到另一件使我更伤心的事，这件事比以前所发生的任何事情都使我扫兴，那就是妈妈对我冷淡了。 我强使自己遵守、而她也似乎赞成的在情欲方面的那种克制，是一般女人绝不肯饶恕的，不管她们表面上装得怎么样。她们之所以如此，与其说是由于她们本身的情欲不能得到满足，不如说是由于她们认为这是对占有她们这件事的漠不关心。就拿一个最通达事理、最想得开、情欲最淡薄的女人来说，在她的眼中，一个男人（即使是对她最无所谓的一个男人）的最不可饶恕的罪过，是他能够占有她而却偏偏予以拒绝。这条通则在这里也不能例外：我之所以克制情欲纯粹是出于道德和爱护妈妈尊敬妈妈的缘故，但妈妈对我的那种如此强烈、如此纯真的钟爱之情，却因此而起了变化。从那时起，和她在一起，我再也感觉不到我一向认为是最甜蜜幸福的那种推心置腹的亲密关系了。她只是在对这位新来的人有所不满的时候才向我披露一下心情；在他们非常和好的时候，她就很少跟我说什么知心话。最后，她逐渐采取了一种我不在内的生活方式。我在她跟前时她也还高兴，但这对她已经不是一种需要，纵然我整天整天地不见她，她也不理会了。 在此以前，我是这个家的灵魂，并且可以说是过着两位一体的生活，现在还是同样的地方，我却在不知不觉中变得陌生和孤独了。我渐渐习惯于不再过问这个家里所发生的一切事情，甚至也不理睬在这里居住的一切人；为了避免继续受那令人心碎的痛苦，我便独自呆在屋里和我的书籍为伍，再不就是到树林深处纵情大哭或长叹。不久，这种生活越来越使我难以忍受了。我感到，我所爱的女人就在眼前，但她的心已经离开了我，这只能增加我的痛苦，如果我看不见她，我的孤独感也许不会那么强烈。于是我决心离开她的家，当我向她说明我的计划时，她不但没有表示反对，反而热心赞助。她在格勒诺布尔有一个女友，名叫代邦夫人，这位夫人的丈夫是里昂司法长官德·马布利先生的朋友。代邦先生介绍我到马布利先生家去作家庭教师，我接受了，于是便动身前往里昂。分别时，既没有任何懊悔的表示，也几乎没有任何惜别之感，要是在以前，只要一想到离别，我们就象感到了死亡的痛苦。 那时，我差不多已经有了做一个家庭教师所必需具备的知识，我想我也有作教师的才能。我在马布利先生家有一年之久，在这期间，我有了充分认识自己的时间。假如我的急躁脾气不是时常发作的话，我那温和的禀性是适于干这一行的。只要一切都顺利，只要我的操心和劳动能够发生效果，我就诲人不倦地教下去，真象个可爱的天使。但事情一不如意，我就变成了一个恶魔。当学生们听不懂我的意思的时候，我就气得发狂；如果他们表现得不听话，我就恨不得把他们杀死，当然，这决不是使他们成为有学问有道德的人的好方法。我有两个学生，性情十分不同。大的八九岁，名叫圣马利，相貌很清秀，相当聪明，相当活泼，但也浮躁，贪玩，十分调皮，不过他虽然调皮却很逗趣。小的叫孔狄亚克，外表象个傻瓜，干什么都粗枝大叶，象驴一般固执，学什么也学不会。可以想见，跟这两个学生打交道，我的任务不是那么容易完成的。如果我能平心静气地耐心教下去，也许能有所成就；可是，我既不能平心静气，又无耐心，结果不但没有作出一点成绩，我的学生反而变得越来越坏了。我并不是不勤快，但我缺少冷静的态度，特别是不够明智。我对他们只知道用三种对孩子不但无益往往有害的方法，那就是：感动、讲理和发脾气。有时我劝圣马利劝得连我自己都感动得流下泪来，我想感动他，就好象孩子的心灵真能感动似的。有时我费尽精力同他讲道理，好象他真能听懂我那套理论似的，而且由于他有时也向我提出一些十分微妙的论据，我就真拿他当作一个明理的孩子，以为他非常善于推理。至于小孔狄亚克，那就更让我为难了。他什么也听不懂，问他什么也不回答，讲什么他也不动心，任何时候都是那么顽固，而当我被他气得发火的时候，倒是他在我身上取得了最大的胜利；这时候贤明的老师是他，我却变成了小孩子。所有我的这些缺点，我都看得很清楚，心里也很明白。我研究了学生的思想，而且研究得非常透彻，我相信我一次也没有受到他们的诡计的欺骗。但是，只知道缺点所在，而不知道用什么方法补救，又有什么用呢？尽管我对这一切都看得很透彻，可是我完全不能防止，所以还是收不到任何效果，而且我所做的恰恰都是不应该做的。 我不仅在教学上没有取得什么成就，就是我自己的事情也不怎么顺利。代邦夫人把我介绍给马布利夫人的时候，曾拜托她在我的举止言谈方面多加指导，使我能够活动于上流社会中。她在这上面也费过一番心思，希望把我造就成一个风流潇洒的人，不愧是她家的家庭教师；但是我是那么笨拙，那么腼腆，那么愚蠢，以致使她丧失了信心，不愿再过问我了。但是这并未妨碍我故态复萌，我居然又爱上她了。我的表现已经足以使她理会到这一点，但我不敢向她表白，而她也是不会在这方面前进一步的，后来，我发现我的叹息和目光不会有什么结果，不久我也就厌倦了。 我在妈妈那里时，小偷小摸的毛病已经完全改掉了，因为那儿的一切东西都归我支配，也就没有偷的必要了。再说，我给自己订立的高尚道德原则也要求我今后不能再干这种下贱的事，从那时起，我果然就一直没有再犯过。但是，这与其说是由于我能克服我所受到的诱惑，不如说是由于我断绝了受诱惑的根源；我非常担心，要是再面临诱惑的话，我恐怕又会象童年时代那样去偷窃的。这一点，我在马布利先生的家里已经得到证明了。他家里到处都有可偷的小东西，但我连看都不看，我只看上了阿尔布瓦地方出产的一种名贵的白葡萄酒，在吃饭的时候我偶尔喝过几杯，觉得非常可口。这种酒稍微有点儿浑，我自以为是一个滤酒的能手，便以此自夸，主人就把这件事交给我办了。我滤了几瓶，滤的虽然不大好，但只是颜色不佳，喝起来仍然是很可口的。于是我就利用这个机会，常常给自己留下几瓶，以备私下里享用。美中不足的是，我从来没有光喝酒不吃东西的习惯。怎样弄到面包呢？我没法在用餐时留下一些面包。叫仆人去买，等于是揭发自己，而且可以说是对主人的一种侮辱。自己去买吧，我又从来没有这种勇气：一位腰挂佩剑的体面人物到面包房去买一块面包，这怎么行呢？最后，我想起了一位尊贵的公主的蠢话，有人告诉她说农民没有面包吃了，她回答说：“那就叫他们吃蛋糕吧！”于是我决定去买蛋糕。可是就办这点事，也是多么不容易呀！我一个人怀着这个目的走出大门，有时跑遍了全城，从三十多家点心铺门前走过，哪一家我也不敢进去。必须铺子里只有一个人时，而那个人的相貌对我还必须有很大的吸引力，我才敢迈进那家铺子的门坎。但是，当我把那可爱的小蛋糕买到手，把自己锁在屋子里，从柜子里拿出我那瓶酒的时候，我一边自斟自饮，一边读几页小说，那是多么快乐呀！由于没有人同我谈心，边吃边看书就别有奇趣：书就代替我所缺少的伙伴。我看一页书，吃一块蛋糕，就好象我的书在跟我共同进餐。 我从来不是一个只图享乐什么都不管不顾的人，而且我一辈子从未喝醉过。因此，我的这些小小的偷窃也并不十分明显。可是偷窃终于自己暴露了：酒瓶子揭发了我的秘密。这件事谁也没有提过，不过，从此以后地下室的酒就不再由我掌管了。对于这种事，马布利先生的态度是很大方、很审慎的，他是个很正直的人。他的外表虽然跟他的职务一样严峻，但他的性格确实是很温厚的，他那种好心肠也是少见的。他明智而公正，令人意想不到的是，作为一个司法管辖区的长官，他甚至是很仁慈的。深感他待我的宽厚，我更加敬重他了，因此我在他家里就多待了一些日子，否则我是不会待那么久的。但是最后，对于我所不能胜任的这行职业以及我当时所处的十分尴尬的毫无乐趣的景况，我终于感到厌倦了。于是，经过一年的尝试之后——虽然在这一年当中，我已尽了一切努力——我决定不再教我的这两个学生了，因为我确信我无论怎样努力也不能把他们造就好。对于这一点，马布利先生本人看得和我一样清楚。但是我相信，如果不是我自动提出辞职免得使他为难的话，他自己是不会主动辞退我的；在这种情况下，他这样过于照顾情面，我当然是不赞成的。 使我日益感到难以忍受的是，我不断拿我当前的境况同我已经离开的那种生活相比：我不断回忆起我所留恋的沙尔麦特，我的园子、我的树木、我的泉水、我的果园，特别是我为她而生的那个女人，赋予这一切以生命的那个女人。我一想到她，一想到我们的快乐和我们的纯洁生活，一种难以抑制的烦闷心情使我什么也懒得干了。有多少次我恨不得立即动身，步行回到她的身旁，只要能和她再见一面，就是当时死去也是甘心的。最后，我再也抵抗不住那些召唤我不惜任何代价回到她的身边的迷人的回忆了。我对自己说，过去我缺少耐心，不够体贴，不够温存，假如我现在在这些方面更多给予一些，我还是能够在十分甜蜜的友谊中过幸福生活的。于是我作出了最美好的计划，而且迫不及待地立即付诸实施。我摆脱了一切，放弃了一切，马上动身，一路飞驰，我以宛似我幼年时代的那种满腔热情回到了家里，我又来到了她的跟前。what!如果我在她的接待中，在她的眼神里，在她的爱抚中，总之在她的心里能够发现我从前曾经感受到而现在还念念不忘的那种情意的四分之一，我就会欣喜若狂了。 人生是多么可怕的虚幻啊！她仍然用她那无与伦比的好心接待了我，她的这种好心除非她离开人世是永远不会消失的；然而我是来追求过去的，这个过去已经一去不复返了。我在她身边呆了不到半小时，我就觉得我以往的幸福是永远失去了。于是，我又陷入了上次迫使我出走的那种令人绝望的境况中，虽然如此，我却不能归咎于任何人，说实在的，古尔提叶并不坏，他看见我回来，显得很高兴，并没有什么不痛快的样子。但我从前是她的一切，而她也不能不是我的一切，现在我在她的面前竟成为一个多余的人，这我怎么能忍受呢？从前我是这个家里的一个孩子，现在我怎能在这里象一个外人似的生活下去呢？目睹可以作为我过去幸福见证者的那些东西，更使我感到今非昔比的难堪处境。我要是住在别的地方，痛苦或许会减轻一些。但是不间断地回忆那些甜蜜的往事，也会增加我对失去的幸福的伤感。空怀遗憾，满腹忧思，于是我决心恢复旧日的生活方式，除了用饭的时间外，我要一个人待着，我把自己关在屋子里，拿书作我的伴侣，并在书中寻求有益的消遣。由于我感觉到以前我所忧虑的灾难即将到来，我便绞尽脑汁从我自己身上想些办法，以便在妈妈经济来源断绝的时候，可以接济她。我在时，曾把她的家务安排得相当妥善，使它不致向坏的方面发展，但自从我走后，所有的情况全都变了。她的管家人是一个性喜挥霍的家伙。他好讲排场，喜欢好马和华丽的马车，他爱在邻人眼前显示自己是富贵人家，他继续不断地经营一些他一点不懂的新事业。她的年金借用光了，一年四季的所有收益也作了抵押，房租积欠了不少，债务越来越多。我看这项年金不久就要被债权人扣押，也可能被取消。总之，我看到前途只有破产和灾难，而且这一切的到来，时间是那么迫近，就好家我已经预见到那种种可怖的景象。 我那间可爱的小屋是我唯一消愁解闷的地方。由于我在那里寻求医治我那惶恐不安的心灵的方法，我也就同时在那里寻求如何防止我所预见到的灾难的方法。这样，就在我重新考虑我以前的那些想法的时候，我又给自己建起了许多新的空中楼阁。以便把我这个可怜的妈妈从她眼看就要陷入的绝境中挽救出来。我知道自己没有足够的学识和才华使我在文坛上成名，我是不能通过这条途径发财致富的。浮现在我脑际的一个新的念头却使我产生了我这平庸之才不能给我的一种信心。我虽然不教音乐了，但并没有放弃音乐，正相反，我已经研究了不少关于音乐的理论，我觉得至少在这门学问上我的知识是相当渊博的。当我想到我在学习辨认音符、尤其是在练习依谱唱歌所遇到的那些困难时，我觉得，这种困难来自音乐本身的程度并不少于来自我的主观条件，特别是考虑到，学音乐对任何人来说并不是一件容易事。在我研究音符时，我常常觉得这些音符创造得很不成功。很早我就想用数字来记录乐谱，免得记录任何一个小曲也必得画一些线和符号。我只是不知道怎样表示八度音的节拍和延长音。我重新又有了这个想法，是因为我想到这个问题时，发现这些困难并不是不能克服的。我终于获得了成功，不管什么乐曲我都可以用我的那些数码非常准确、甚至可以说非常轻而易举地记录下来。从这时候起，我就认为我的一笔大财已经到手了，于是，怀着和她——给了我一切的她——共享大财的热望，我一心只想到去巴黎，确信我的乐谱稿本一交给学士院，我就会掀起一场革命。我曾从里昂带回一点钱，我又卖掉了我的书。这样，只用了十五天的工夫，我便拿定了主意并付诸实施。最后，我心里充满了促成我这一计划的种种美好念头，也可以说我在任何时候都怀有的那同样的美好念头。就象上次带着海龙喷水器离开都灵一样，我带着我的乐谱方案离开了萨瓦。 我的青年时代所有的谬误和过错大致就是如此。我以内心相当满意的忠实态度叙述了这些谬误和过错的经过。如果日后我以若干美德为我的成年时代增添光彩，我也会以同样的坦率态度述说出来，这本是我原来的计划。不过，写到这里我必须停笔了。时间能够揭开种种帷幕。如果我的名字能够流传到后世，人们也许有一天会知道我还有什么话要说而没有说。那时侯，他们也就会知道我所以保持缄默的缘故了。