Chapter 11 Chapter 5-2

Her first lover, Mr. Darville, was her philosophy teacher, and some of the theories he instilled in her were aimed at seducing her.He found that she was very loyal to his husband and his duties, always kept cold, and had a strong reason, which could not be broken from the emotional aspect, so he used some sophistry to attack her, and finally achieved his goal.He proved to her that the womanhood she was following was sheer catechism nonsense like coaxing children, the union of the sexes—the act itself was the least important thing; The meaning concerns only public opinion; a wife's only duty is to reassure her husband, and therefore an infidelity which is not known to her has no place in the husband whom she has cheated, nor in her own conscience.All in all, he convinced her that infidelity was nothing in itself, that it was only a problem because others knew it was ugly, and that any woman who could act like a chaste woman, in fact, That is, a chaste woman.Thus the villain achieved his purpose, he corrupted a young woman's mind, he failed to corrupt her heart.He was punished with the most violent jealousy because he believed that she was treating him personally as he had taught her to treat her husband.I don't know if he's mistaken on this point.Reverend Bailey is considered his successor.As far as I know, the young woman's cold nature, which should have protected her from accepting the theory, happened to prevent her from abandoning it at a later date.She never understood why people paid so much attention to trivial things that she thought were meaningless, and she never regarded abstinence, which seemed effortless to her, as a virtue.

She did not abuse this false theory very much for herself, but she abused it for others, because she believed another truth, which was almost as false, and which was exactly in harmony with her good heart. match.She has always believed that there is no force that can make a man attach to a woman more than "possession", although her affection for her friend is only out of pure friendship-this is a very lingering friendship, she uses her All means at your disposal.make them more tightly attached to her.And the most amazing thing is that she succeeds almost every time.She is very lovely indeed, and the closer one gets to her, the more lovable one finds in her.Another point worth pointing out is that, even after her first blunder, she almost only favored the unfortunate, and the dignitaries were in vain with her.If she has developed sympathy for a man but doesn't fall in love with him in the end, it must be because he is too unlovable.If the object of her choice is unworthy of her, it is far from some mean motive, which was foreign to her noble soul, but entirely from a too generous, too kind, too sympathetic, too sensitive character of hers, Her discernment is often not strong enough to navigate this personality.

Though a few false principles led her astray, how many admirable principles she had consistently observed!If these faults could be called weaknesses, how much virtue had she made up for them?What's more, the element of carnal desire is so negligible!True, that man had deceived her in one point, but it was also that man who had guided her brilliantly in many other respects.Her less impulsive passion often enables her to follow Mingrui's views, and her actions are correct as long as her sophistry philosophy does not lead her astray.Even when she did something wrong, her motives were admirable; she did it through a mistake of perception, but by no means.She has a deep abhorrence of duplicity and falsehood.She is upright, sincere, kind, and unselfish; she keeps her promises, her friends, and her duties as she thinks she should.She neither retaliates nor hates, and she cannot even understand why forgiveness counts as such a great virtue.Lastly, in her most inexcusable conduct, she scorned the favors she bestowed, and never used her favors as means of exchange; she abused hers, but never sold them, Although she continued to resort to various expedients to maintain her life.I dare to say that since Socrates can respect Aspasia, he must also be able to respect Mrs. Warren.

I had expected that I would be accused, as usual, of contradicting myself, without ground, by saying that she possessed both amorous and phlegmatic dispositions.Perhaps it was nature's fault that this union should not exist; but all I know is that she is.Many people who knew Mrs. Warren are still alive today, and they can all prove that she is such a person.Besides, I would even venture to say that she knew only one true joy in life, and that was making the one she loved happy.People are free to comment on this at will, and use clever arguments to prove that this is not true.However, my responsibility is to tell the truth, not to make people believe it.

What I just said was gradually understood in the conversations after we had a further relationship. It was only in these conversations that I felt the joy of our intimate relationship.She had hoped that her favors would do me good, and it was not at all wrong; her kindness had a great effect on my development.Before that, she just treated me like a child, talking only about me.Now she started talking to me about herself as if I were a grown man.All that she talked to me aroused my great interest and moved me so much that I could not help but reflect that I benefited more from her words than from her teachings. .When you really feel that the other person’s words are from the bottom of your heart, your heart will also be open to accept the true feelings of a strange heart; all the proverbs of an educator can’t catch up with the lingering words of a smart woman you love.

This intimacy between me and her gave her a higher opinion of me than before.Although I looked a little clumsy, she decided that I could go about in the upper class after an education, and if I could gain a firm foothold in the social field one day, I could make my own way.According to this view, she thought that not only my intellect should be cultivated, but also my appearance and my manners should be corrected, and she would make me a person who was both amiable and respectable.If success in society can be combined with virtue (and I don't believe it), at least I am convinced that there is no other way than the one she took and was going to teach me. of.Mrs. Warren is well aware of the ways of the world, and she has a set of profound art in dealing with people; her dealings with people are neither hypocritical nor negligent, neither deceiving nor stimulating.But this art, which is inherent in her character, cannot be taught; she uses it herself better than she can explain it, and I am the last person in the world who cannot learn it.Therefore, everything she did in this direction was almost in vain, even she asked the teacher to teach me dancing and fencing. Although my body is light and nimble, I didn't even learn a minuet.Because of the corns on my feet, I have become a habit of walking on my heels, even with Rochelle salts, I can't get rid of it.Although I look nimble, I've never been able to jump over a small ditch.It was even worse in the sword practice room. After three months of learning, I was still learning how to parry incoming swords, and I still couldn't thrust.And I have a weak wrist and weak arms, and when my teacher tries to knock down my sword, I can't always get a good grip.Furthermore, I have an extreme dislike for the sport and the teachers who taught me fencing.I never imagined that a man could take such pride in the art of killing people.In order to make me accept his great genius, he used the analogy of music, which he knew nothing about, that there was a clear similarity between the third and fourth positions in fencing and the third and fourth intervals in music.If he was going to make a false attack, he told me to pay attention to the sharp, because the sharp in ancient music is the same word as false attack in fencing.When he knocked out the practice sword in my hand, he smiled and said to me, this is a symbol of rest.In short, I never in my life saw such a conceited accomplished fellow with a feather in his hat and a breastplate, that he was simply unbearable.

So, I made very little progress with the sword, and before long I gave it up out of sheer disgust.But I had made marked progress in the more useful art of being content with my lot, having no desire for greater eminence, and I began to feel that I had no gift for it.All I wanted was for my mother to be happy, I liked being around her all the time, and when I had to go into town to teach music and leave her, I began to think it was a nuisance, despite my love of music. I do not know whether Claude Anais perceived the intimacy of our relationship, but I have reasons to believe that it was not hidden from him.He was a very clever and very prudent lad; he never said what he didn't mean, but he didn't always say what was on his mind.He didn't show at all that he already knew about us, but from his actions, he seemed to know.This prudence of his was, of course, not from baseness of mind, but from his sympathy with his mistress' opinions, and he could not reproach her for acting in accordance with them.Although he is as young as she is, he is very old and very dignified, and even sees us both as two children who should be tolerated, while we see him as a respectable person, and we should also treat him with considerable respect .It was only after his mistress had been unfaithful to him that I learned the depth of her love for him.Since she knew that my thoughts, my feelings, and my life were at her disposal, she explained to me how she loved him so that I could love him in the same way; It's her love for him, rather than her respect for him, because the latter is the emotion I can most share with her.she often said.We were both indispensable to her happiness, and how many times had we both embraced and shed tears when she said that!I hope the ladies who read this account don't laugh at her maliciously.Since she is such a temperament, there is nothing ambiguous about this need; it is purely the need of her heart.

So, the three of us formed a group that may be unique in the world.Our desires, our concerns, our hearts are all in common, not one bit outside our inner circle.It has become a habit for the three of us to live together jointly and exclusively, and if one of the three is absent or an outsider is present at our meal, everything seems to be out of order; Every now and then we have individual intimacy, and we always feel that just two of us are not as happy as all three of us.The reason why there is no trouble between us is because of the great mutual trust, the reason why we don't get bored.It's because we are usually very busy.My mother is constantly planning this and that, and is busy all day long, and it is easy for the two of us to not be idle. In addition, we all have some things to do, which fills up our time.It seems to me that idleness is as much a source of social misery as solitude.Staying face to face in the room for a long time, doing nothing, talking about it all the time, this is the most narrow-minded person, the most troublesome, intriguing, and slanderous.When everyone is busy, no one speaks unless they have something to say, but when everyone has nothing to do, they have to keep talking. This is the most annoying and dangerous thing.I would venture further to say that, in order for a small community to be truly happy, I advocate that each should not only do something, but do something that requires more or less effort.For example, tying a bow is tantamount to having nothing to do.A woman with a bow needs conversation as much as an idle woman.But it would be different if she were an embroiderer, because she was so absorbed in her embroidery that she hardly had time to answer when others spoke.What is particularly disgusting and ridiculous is that if there are more than a dozen idlers in front of her at this time, getting up, sitting down, walking around, spinning their heels back and forth when they have nothing to do, turning the porcelain Buddha on the fireplace around to see and keep churning their minds to sustain their endless chitchat.Needless to say, this is a wonderful thing!Such a person, no matter where he is, always brings trouble to others and himself.When I was at Motiers, I used to weave ribbons at my neighbor's house, and if I went back to society, I used to carry a little spinning ball in my pocket, and spin it around all day long, so as not to say anything. time to talk nonsense.If everyone did this, people wouldn't be so bad, and their intercourse would be more faithful, and, I think, more pleasant.In short, if anyone thinks this is ridiculous, let them laugh, but I think that the only morality suitable for this era is the morality of small balls.

Besides, we seldom had to look for things to do ourselves in order to get rid of boredom. Those unwelcome guests always left us with many things to do, and we had no leisure except for the time when the three of us were together.The impatience these guests had previously aroused in me was not lessened, the only difference was that I spent less time in it.Poor mother hadn't given up her old habit of fantasizing about her career and projects.On the contrary, the more difficult the family's livelihood, the more she put her heart into the things she dreamed of.The less immediate sources of livelihood she had, the more imaginative she was about the future.As she grew older, her habit increased, and when she gradually lost her social and youthful pleasures, she replaced them with the pleasures of finding secret recipes and making plans.There were always quacks, drug-makers, sorcerers, and all sorts of empty-planners in the family who boasted they'd have millions in the future and wouldn't spare a dime just now.No one left her house empty-handed.One thing, however, I do not understand. I do not know how she managed to meet so many expenses for such a long time, without exhausting her means, and without causing a headache to her creditors.

At the period to which I am speaking, her most ardent plan--not the most unreasonable of those she had conceived--was to create a royal botanic garden at Chambery, and When hiring a salaried technician, it goes without saying who the position is for.The city is located in the middle of the Alps, which is very suitable for botanical research. Mom always used one plan to promote the realization of another plan, so when she made plans to establish a botanical garden, she also drew up a plan to create a pharmaceutical research institute. ; in this place, where pharmacists are the only doctors, it would actually be useful to have an institute of pharmacy.After the death of King Victor, the Physician Groche retired to Chambery, which she considered to be a favorable condition for the plan, and perhaps it was for this reason that she conceived it.Anyway, she started to win over Grosh, but it was not so easy to win him over, because he was the meanest and rudest man I have ever met.Now give two or three examples and leave it to the reader to judge.

One day, he and other doctors consulted with a patient. Among them was a young doctor who had been invited from Annecy and was a doctor who often saw the patient.This young man was not familiar enough with the rules of their circle of doctors, so he dared to disagree with the imperial doctor's opinion.The imperial physician did not answer his words, but only asked him when he would go back, where he passed by, and which carriage he took.The young doctor—after answering, asked him in turn if there was anything he would like to entrust to him, Grosch said: "It's all right, all right, I just thought I'd be happy to go up to the window upstairs when you're gone." See what a donkey looks like in a carriage." He was miserly in exactly the same way as he was rich and ruthless.Once a friend of his borrowed money from him and offered the most reliable guarantee, but he held his friend's hand tightly, gritted his teeth and said: "My friend, St. Peter came down from heaven and borrowed money from me with the guarantee of the Holy Trinity." I will not lend him a hundred francs." One day, the governor of Savoy, a very pious count Monsieur Bigon, invited him to dinner. Asked him to do it together, he didn't know how to answer, he just made a terrible grimace and then knelt down, but just after saying two "Hail Marys", he couldn't help it, stood up abruptly, took Picking up his cane, he left without saying a word.Count Bigon chased him and said: "Mr. Glossy! Mr. Glossy! Don't go away, a delicious partridge is being roasted for you in the kitchen!" He turned around and answered the count. "Mr. Earl! Even if you give me a baked angel, I won't wait any longer." The imperial doctor Mr. Groshi, whom my mother tried to win over and finally got, was such a person.Although he was very busy, he often came to see her. He was very close to Anais, valued his knowledge, and talked about him with admiration.It was unexpected that such a rude person, in order to erase the past impression, showed special respect to Anais.Although Anais is no longer a servant, everyone knows that he was a servant in the past. Perhaps the prestige and example of the imperial physician are also needed to make people treat him differently.Claude Anais was wearing a black jacket, with a neatly combed wig, dignified, polite, wise and cautious in his actions, with profound knowledge of medicine and botany, coupled with the care of medical leaders, it is reasonable to On the other hand, if the plan to establish the Royal Botanic Gardens can be realized, he is very likely to be the Royal Technician and is unanimously respected.In fact Glouchy admired the plan, adopted it, and only proposed it to the court when, as soon as peace appeared, some public considerations began to be considered and a sum of money could be raised. If this plan came to fruition, I would definitely devote myself to botany, because I was born to do this science, but an accidental blow made this plan come to nothing. Accident.It is also to be overthrown.I am a typical example of people who are destined to gradually become miserable.It can be said that God purposely asked me to undergo all kinds of severe tests, and removed everything that could hinder me from being a miserable person.Once Anais went to the top of the mountain to look for a kind of Artemisia annua.This is a rare plant that only grows in the Alps. Mr. Grosch needed it at that time. The poor young man got too hot when he went to the mountain to collect herbs this time, and he got meningitis; The medicinal materials picked are the special medicine for this disease, but they can't save his life.In spite of the medical care of the eminent physician Glouchy, and the care of his kind mistress and myself, he died at last after a most agonizing struggle under our ineffective assistance. , this is the fifth day after getting sick.I was the only one who consoled him before his death, with such pain and earnestness, that if he had been sane and understood me, he would have received some consolation.In this way I lost the only true friend of my life.He was a rare and venerable character, whose education he had not received was supplemented by natural talents, and who had all the qualities of a great man of low birth.Had he had a long life and a proper position, he would have been a great man. The next day, I spoke of him to my mother with unnaturally sincere sorrow; That nice black blouse that had caught my eye.Since I thought so, I said so, because in her presence I always said what was on my mind.Nothing could have made her feel how much she had been lost by the man who had just died, for selflessness and nobility of heart were the very best qualities that the dead man had in life, so much as that mean, harsh remark.The poor woman, without saying a word, turned her head away and began to cry.Lovely and precious tears!I understand the meaning of these tears, each teardrop has flowed to my heart, they have completely washed away all the vile and dirty things in my heart, and since then, I have never had such a idea. Anais' death not only brought mental pain to her mother, but also material loss.Since then, her work has deteriorated day by day.Anais was a shrewd and prudent young man who kept all order in his mistress's house.Everyone is afraid of his alert eyes and dare not waste too much.Even my mother herself tried to restrain her profligate habit for fear of his reproach.His love alone was not enough for her, but she had to preserve his respect and avoid his just reproaches, which he sometimes dared to reproach her when she misused other people's money, or squandered her own. .I thought as he did, and even offered the same advice, but I had not so much influence over her, and my words had less effect than his.Since he is gone, I must replace him, but I have neither the ability nor the interest, so I cannot do it.I was not very careful at first, and my temperament was timid. Although I also whispered a few words to myself, I still let everything go its own way.Besides, although I have gained the same trust as Anais, I cannot have the same authority. When I saw the disorder in the house, I sighed and complained, but no one listened to what I said.I'm still too young, too impetuous, and I can't act according to reason. When I want to intervene, my mother always pats my face affectionately and calls "my little supervisor", forcing me to still play the role that is suitable for me. my role. I had always felt that her unbridled spending would sooner or later lead her into poverty, and now that I had supervised it, I had seen with my own eyes the disequilibrium in the books.The stingy tendency that has always been in me was developed at this time.It is true that I have never really squandered money except in momentary outbursts, and even before that I had never bothered much about it.Now I began to pay attention to this matter, and also to my little purse.From a noble motive I became a lover of money; in fact, because I had foreseen the misfortune, all I wanted was to save a little money for my mother, in case of a rainy day.My apprehension was that her creditors might seek a garnishment of her annuity, or that it should be canceled altogether, and I thought, to my childish eyes, that my little savings might be of great service to her.But in order to save some money, and especially to keep it, it must be concealed from her, because it would not be right for her to know that I had saved money while she was borrowing it here and there.So I went around looking for a tight place to hide a few gold louis, and I was going to keep adding more until I handed them all to her face to face one day in the future.However, I was so stupid that she would always find the place I chose. Later, in order to hint to me that she had discovered the secret, she took away the gold coins I had hidden and replaced them with some more. coin.So I was obliged to send, ashamedly, my little money into the communal purse.And she always used the money to buy some clothes or other useful things for me, such as silver swords, pocket watches and so on. I'm sure saving money will never work, and it doesn't help her that it's a drop in the bucket.In the end, I felt that in order to prevent the misfortune I feared, I must learn to provide for her needs, when she was unable to feed me and she herself was without food, and that there was no other way.Unfortunately, I've made my own plans out of hobbies, crazy and stubborn to find my fortune in music, I feel like my head is full of themes and songs, and I think if I just make good use of them, I'll Immediately a virtuoso, a modern-day Orpheus, with my beautiful voice I can attract all the silver of Peru.For me, the ability to read notation is good enough, but the most important thing is to learn how to compose.The difficulty is that I can't find anyone who can teach me to compose. It is hopeless to learn only from Rameau's "Harmony" by myself. There is no one who understands harmony. Here, you have to see the things that have been contrary to my purpose that have repeatedly appeared in my life. These things often lead me to a place that is directly opposite to my purpose when I think I can achieve my purpose. .Van Toure has often spoken to me about Father Blanchard, his teacher of composition, a man of distinguished genius, who at that time was music director at the Basilica de Bezançon, and is now at the small church at Versailles. The chapel acts as the music conductor.So I decided to go to Berzançon to study music with Father Blanchard. I thought this idea was very reasonable, and I even persuaded my mother that it was a reasonable idea.So she, in her extravagant habit, packed my luggage for me.Thus, my plan to prevent her bankruptcy, to make up for the shortfall owed to her waste in the future, cost her eight hundred francs in carrying out the plan, and to prevent her Bankruptcy in the future hastened her bankruptcy.Absurd as the action was, my heart and that of my mother were full of fantasies, and I was sure that what I was doing was doing her good.She is convinced that everything I do is good for me. I thought Vantour was still at Annecy, and I could ask him to write a letter of introduction to the God Blanchard, but he was no longer there.All I have to prove it is a Mass in four parts which Vantour left me, which is his composition and which he copied in his own hand.I took this in lieu of a letter of introduction and went to Berzançon, where I visited some relatives on my way through Geneva, and my father on my way through Nyon, who received me as usual, and Promised to send my luggage to Bergson as I was on horseback and the luggage would arrive later.At last I arrived at Berzançon, where Father Blanchard received me kindly, promised to teach me music, and offered to take care of me as much as possible.As we were about to start, a letter came from my father saying that my luggage had been held and confiscated by French customs at Russ on the Swiss border.This news frightened me, so I tried my best to ask a few acquaintances I just met in Bo Zangsong to find out the reason for the confiscation, because I was sure that there was no contraband in it, and I couldn't imagine the reason why my luggage was confiscated .Finally, I know why, and I must introduce it, because it is very interesting. I made the acquaintance in Chambery of an elderly Lyonnais, a very kind man named Duville.He worked in the Visa Office during the Regency era, and came to work in the Land Registry here because he was out of work.He had been in the society of high society, not only talented but learned, he was gentle and courteous, he also knew music, and we both worked in the same office at that time, and we were particularly close among these vulgar people.He had some correspondent relations with Paris, and he often supplied him with trivial essays, novel works of short-lived novels, which somehow spread and somehow fell silent, and if they were not mentioned, they never would be. Think about them again.I took him to my mother's place for dinner a few times. It can be said that he was interested in being close to me. In order to win my favor, he tried to make me fall in love with these worthless things. In fact, I have always hated them. This kind of boring article, I will never talk about this kind of stuff in my life.In order not to disappoint him, I had to accept these precious scraps of paper, put them in my pocket, and never think about them again except when looking for toilet paper, because that is the only use for them.As luck would have it, one of these odious articles was lost in the pocket of a new frock coat I had worn only two or three times, which I wore to social events with my colleagues.This thing is a game poem written by a Seynian writer imitating the most beautiful scene in Racine's tragedy "Mithridade". I accidentally dropped it in my pocket, which caused my luggage to be impounded.The officials at the checkpoint made a list of my luggage, and in front of the list was a grandiose inspection report. The inspection report first concluded that this document came from Geneva and was going to be printed and distributed in France, so they took advantage of it.The enemies of God and the Church were censured, and their own pious vigilance was praised, which prevented the realization of this heinous plot.No doubt they thought my shirt smelt pagan too, since they confiscated all my belongings on the basis of this dreadful little piece of paper.As I could think of no other way, I never got any news of what to do with my poor luggage.When I went to the officials in the tax office, they asked me for this statement, that receipt, this certificate, and that record. The procedures were so complicated that I was so fascinated that I had no choice but to give up all my luggage.I very much regret that I didn't keep the inspection book for Ruth's level. It will be particularly interesting if it is collected in the data set to be published with this book. This loss obliged me to return to Chambery at once before I had learned anything from Father Blanchard.Seeing that I am not lucky no matter what I do, after a thorough consideration, I decided to stay with my mother wholeheartedly, let her fate dictate, share the joys and sorrows with her, and never waste my efforts on my powerless future. .She welcomed me as if I had brought her a treasure, and slowly began to arrange my clothes; my misfortunes were considerable to her and to me, but nearly as quickly as they happened, and soon we Just forget about it. Although this misfortune has poured cold water on my enthusiasm for music, I have always spared no effort in studying Rameau's book. After studying hard, I finally understood it and tried to write a few ditties. The grades were not bad, which added to my courage.Count Bellegard, son of the Marquis of Antlemont, returned from Dresden after the death of King Augustus.He had lived in Paris for a long time, and he loved music very much, especially Rameau's music.His brother, the Count of Nanzi, played the violin, and their sister, the Countess of Lardour, sang.All this made music flourish in Chambery.They gave a public concert, and at first it was conceived of me as conductor, but it was soon seen that I was not up to the task, and other arrangements were made.I still play some of my little pieces, and one of them is a chorus that is very popular. Of course, it is not a very mature work, but it is full of new tunes and fascinating syllables. Unexpectedly, the author is me.These gentlemen don't believe that I, who can't even read music scores, can compose quite good pieces. They suspect that I may use the fruits of other people's labor as my own.To prove the truth, the Count of Nancy came to me one morning with a chorus by Clarence; The accompaniment part written by Clarence could not be played, and I was asked to give it another accompaniment bass.I replied that it was a rather onerous job and could not be done right away.He thought I was looking for an excuse to get out and forced me to write at least one recitative bass.我答应了，当然作得不甚好，因为我不论作什么事，必须在毫不紧张的情况下从容不迫地去做，但这次我作的至少合乎规则，而且是当着他的面作的，这样他就不能怀疑我不懂作曲的基本原理了。也正因为这样，我的那些女学生才没退学，不过我对音乐的兴趣开始有些冷淡了，因为举行一个音乐会，人们竟没把我放在眼里。 差不多就在这个时候，和约缔结了，法国军队又越过山回来了。有许多军官来看望妈妈。其中有奥尔良团的团长劳特莱克伯爵，后来他当了驻日内瓦的全权大使，最后成了法兰西的元帅。妈妈把我介绍给他。他听了妈妈说的一番话后，似乎对我很关心，向我许下了不少诺言，可是，直到他临死的那一年，在我已不需要他的时候，他才想起了自己的那些诺言。年轻的桑奈克太尔侯爵也在同时到达尚贝里，他的父亲当时是驻都灵的大使。有一天，他在孟顿夫人家吃晚饭，正好我也在座。饭后大家谈起了音乐，他非常熟悉音乐，当时《耶弗大》这个歌剧正十分流行，他便谈起了这个歌剧，并叫人把谱子拿来。他提议要和我一同唱这个歌剧，使我感到十分狼狈。他打开曲谱，正碰上那段著名的二重唱： 人间，地狱，甚至天堂， 都要在主的面前战栗。 他问我：“你愿意唱几个音部？我来唱这六个音部。”我还不习惯法国音乐中的那种急促的节奏，虽然我有时也勉强唱过几段，但不了解一个人怎么能够同时唱六个音部，就是同时唱两个音部也不行啊。在音乐中，使我最感头痛的就是迅速地从一个音都跳到另一音部，同时眼睛还要看着整个乐谱。由于看到我当时那种推托的样子，桑奈克太尔先生显然怀疑我不懂音乐。也许就是为了验证我到底会不会，他才要我把他打算献给孟顿小姐的一支曲子记录下来。这件事我是无法推辞的。于是他唱我记，我并没请他重唱多少次就记下来了。然后，他把我记录的谱子看了一遍，认为我所记的一点不差，非常准确。他因为亲眼看到了我刚才为难的情况，就对这项微小的成绩大加赞扬。说起来，这本是一件非常简单的事。其实，我是很通音乐的；我所缺乏的只是那种一看就会的聪明劲儿，这是我在任何事情上也不行的，而在音乐方面，只有经过长期的练习才能达到这种程度。不管怎样，难得他想的这么周到，要在大家和我个人的心目中消除当时我所受到的那点小小的挫折，他这种盛情美意我总是十分感激的。十二年或十五年之后，在巴黎各种人家里我又遇见了他，我曾多次想向他提起这件事，向他表示我到现在仍记忆犹新。但是，他在那以后双目失明了，我怕回忆当年那些事情会引起他的伤感，所以就没有谈。 我正在接近一个转折点，我过去的生活开始从这里过渡到现在的生活。从那时一直保持到现在的一些友谊关系，对我说来都成为非常宝贵的了。这些友谊往往使我对那个愉快的、默默无闻的时期感到留恋，那时自称是我的朋友的人们，都是爱我这个人而跟我交朋友，他们对我的友情纯粹出于至诚，而不是出于和一个名人来往的虚荣心，也不是居心寻求更多的机会来损害他。我和老友果弗古尔的相识就是从这个时候开始的，尽管有人用种种手段离间我们，他却永远是我的好友。永远！可惜的是，唉！他最近去世了。但是，他只是在生命终了的时候才停止了对我的友爱，我们的友谊只是由于他的去世才告结束。果弗古尔先生是世界上罕见的好人。凡是见到他的人没有不爱他的，和他一同生活，就不能不和他结下深厚的友谊。在我一生之中，我从来没有见过一个人比他更磊落爽朗，更和蔼可亲，更恬静淡泊，显出更多的感情和智慧，博得人们更多的信赖。不管是怎样拘谨的人和他都会一见如故，就象相交有二十年之久那样亲密。连我这样一个见到生人就侷促不安的人，和他初次见面也毫无不自然的感觉。他的风度，他的声调，他的言谈和他的仪表完全谐调。他的嗓音清脆、饱满、响亮，是一种雄壮有力的优美低音，能充满你的耳鼓，响到你的心房。没有人能象他那样总是那么愉快、那么和蔼，没有人能有他那样的真诚朴实的风度，也没有人能象他那样既有纯朴的才华又有高尚的修养。除此而外，他还有一颗爱人的心，而且是一颗过分多情的心。他有一种为人帮忙不大选择对象的性格，热心帮助朋友，更确切地说。他能帮助谁就做谁的朋友。他能满腔热情地办别人的事，同时又十分巧妙地安排自己的事。果弗古尔是一个普通钟表匠的儿子，他本人也做过钟表匠。但是，他的风度和他的才干召唤他走向另一个社会圈子，而他不久就进入了。他和当时驻日内瓦的法国代表克洛苏尔先生结识以后，两人十分要好。克洛苏尔在巴黎给他介绍了一些对他有用的朋友。他通过这些人获得了供应瓦莱州食盐的职务，每年可有两万利物儿的收入。他的运气总算不错了，在男人方面就到此为止，但在女人方面，则有应接不暇之势，他不能不加以选择，并且做到了如愿以偿。最稀奇、最值得敬佩的是，尽管他和各种身分的人都有交往，可是他无论到什么地方，人们都喜爱他，都欢迎他，他从没有受过任何人的嫉妒和憎恨，我相信他这一辈子一直到死也没遇到过一个仇人。幸福的人啊！他每年都要到埃克司温泉浴场来，附近一带的上流社会的人全聚集在那里。他和萨瓦的所有贵族都有来往，他从埃克司到尚贝里来探望贝勒加德伯爵和伯爵的父亲安特勒蒙侯爵。妈妈就是在这位候爵家和他相识并将我介绍给他的。这种一面之交似乎谈不上什么友谊，其间又中断了多年，但是在我以后要叙述的场合中我们又见面了，并且成了莫逆之交。因此，我就满可以谈谈这位十分亲密的朋友了；但是，即使我不是出于任何个人利害关系而追念他，对于象他这样一个有吸引力的、得天独厚的人。我认为，为了人类的荣誉也是应该永志不忘的。这个十分可爱的人和其他人一样，也有自己的缺点，读者以后可以看到；但是，他如果没有这些缺点。说不定就不会那样可爱了。为了能成为一个引人注目的人物，他也应该有些需要别人原谅的事情。 这个时期，我和另一个人也有过来往；这一来往一直没有停止过，并且还不断地以追求世俗的幸福——这种追求在一个人的心中是多么难以混灭啊？——诱惑我。这个人就是孔济埃先生，他是萨瓦的绅士，当时既年轻又可爱，一时高兴想学音乐，更确切地说，要结识我这个教音乐的人。他除了具有艺术的天才与爱好以外，还有一种非常可亲的温柔性格，我十分看重有这种性格的人，所以不久我们就成了莫逆之交。正在我头脑中开始滋长着的那种文学与哲学的萌芽，只要稍一培养和激励就能完全发育起来，这时候，我在同他的交往中正遇到了这种培养和激励。孔济埃先生对音乐没有多大天赋，这对我说来却是一件好事，教课的时间完全消磨在练习音阶以外的事情上了。我们吃早点，闲谈，阅读新的出版物，对音乐则只字不提。当时伏尔泰和普鲁士皇太子的通信正名噪一时，我们常常谈论这两位著名人物。后者不久就登基了，当时已经部分地显露出他日后将成为什么样的人；另一位，当时所受的诋毁正如现在所受到的赞美，这使我们对他的不幸深感同情，这种往往与伟大天才俱来的不幸当时仿佛专钉住他似的。普鲁士皇太子年轻时很少幸福，而伏尔泰生来就象是一辈子不能享福的人。由于我们关心这两个人，于是也关心起和他们有关的一切。我们把伏尔泰所写的文章都读了，一篇也没有漏掉。我对他的作品所发生的兴趣，引起我要学会用优雅的风格写文章的愿望，于是我竭力模仿这位作家文章的绚丽色彩，他的作品的优美文笔已经使我入了迷。过了不久，他的《哲学书简》出版了。虽然这并不是他最好的著作，然而正是这些书信有力地吸引我去探求知识，这种新产生的兴趣。从此就一直没有息灭。 但是，我真正完全献身于知识的时机尚未到来。我的性情始终还有些轻浮，那种想东奔西跑的癖好并未消失，只是一有所减少，而且这时华伦夫人的生活方式还助长了这种癖好。对于我那喜欢孤独的性情说来，她这里可真是太乱了。每天都有一些陌生人川流不息地从各处到她这里来，我确信这些人所想的无非是各按自己的方式来欺骗她，这种情况使我日益感到住在这里真是一种苦刑。我自从在妈妈的信赖中接替了克洛德·阿奈的位置以后，我对于她的景况知道得更清楚了，那种每况愈下的情形使我感到恐慌。我曾无数次向她提出忠告，央求，恳请，发誓许愿，结果一概无效。我曾跪在她的脚下，再三向她说明正在威胁着她的灾难，竭力劝她紧缩开支，并提议首先从我身上开始，我向她说，在年轻的时候忍受点艰难，要比欠下很多债，到了老年陷入困境，受到债主们的逼迫强得多。她体会到我的满腔热诚，也和我抱有同感，她满口答应了我，说得恳切动人。但是，只要来一个无赖汉，她便立刻都忘掉了。在千百次证明我的忠告无效以后，除了闭眼不看我无力防止的灾难外，我还有什么办法呢？我既看守不住家门，只好离开这里去尼翁，日内瓦、里昂作一些短暂的旅行。这种旅行使我暂时忘却了内心的愁苦，但同时又由于我的花费而增加了产生愁苦的根由。我可以发誓，如果我节省开支真能使妈妈得到好处的话，我是情愿不花一文钱的。但是，我确实知道，我省下来的钱也要溜到那些骗子的手里去，所以我便利用她有求必应的弱点来和他们分享了。我就好象一只从屠宰场出来的狗，既然保不住那块肉，就不如叼走我自己的那一份。 出门旅行是不难找到借口的；单单妈妈的事也就有的是借口。她和各处都有来往，都有要接治或办理的事，这就需要委托一个稳妥可靠的人去办。她只愿意派我去，我也正希望出门，这就不可避免地使我过着一种东奔西跑的生活。这些旅行使我得以结识一些有用的人，他们以后都成了我的良朋益友。顺便提一下，有一个在里昂认识的佩里雄先生，就他对我表示的好感说来，我很后悔没有能继续和他来往。至于我和好心的巴里索结识的经过，等到适当的时候再谈。在格勒诺布尔，我认识了代邦夫人以及德巴尔东南谢议长的夫人，她是一位非常有才华的女人，如果我能常去拜访她，她一定会对我发生好感的。在日内瓦，我认识了法国代表克洛苏尔先生，他常和我谈起我的母亲，虽然她已经去世很久了，往事仍在他心头索回。另外我还结识了巴里约父子，父亲把我叫作他的孙儿，他是一个令人非常喜欢与之交往的人，也是我认识的人中最可尊敬的人物之一。在共和国的动荡期间，这两位公民参加到互相敌对的党派中去：儿子参加了平民党，父亲加入了政府党。当人们于一七三七年拿起武器的时候，我正在日内瓦，亲眼看到他们父子二人都全副武装从同一幢房子里走出来，父亲往市政厅方面走去，儿子则前往自己的集会地点，两人明明知道，两小时后一定会重新相遇，面对面站着并互相残杀起来，这种可怕的情景留给我的印象是那样深刻，以致我发誓：假如我恢复了公民权的话，我决不投入任何内战，并且永远不在国内用武力支持自由，既不用个人行动支持，也不用言论支持。我能够证明，我曾在一个极其微妙的情况下遵守了这个誓言，这种审慎的态度，我认为是应该得到赞许的。 那时候，我还没感到武装起来的日内瓦在我心里激起的这初期的爱国热情。由于一件应该由我负责的十分严重的事件，读者可以看出我离这种爱国热情还远着呢，这个事件我当时忘了谈它，现在却不该略而不谈了。 我的舅父贝纳尔前几年为领导建筑他所设计的查尔斯顿城前往卡罗来纳。他不久就在那里去世了。我那可怜的表兄也为效忠普鲁士王而捐躯，这样我的舅母就差不多同时失去了丈夫和儿子。这种丧夫折子的损失，使她对我这样一个仅存的近亲增加了几分亲热。我到日内瓦去的时候便住在她家，闲来无事就翻阅舅父遗留下的书籍和文件。我发现了许多有趣的著作和别人料想不到的书信。我的舅母对于这堆破烂旧书是不太重视的，我愿意拿走什么就可以拿走什么。我只看中了两、三本由我的外祖父贝纳尔牧师批注过的书，其中有罗霍尔特的四开本的“遗著”，这本书的空白边上写满了非常精湛的注解，它使我对数学产生了爱好。这本书以后就一直放在华伦夫人的藏书之中，很可惜我没有把它保藏下来。除了这些书籍外，我还拿了五、六本手稿，唯一的一个印刷本，是著名的米舍利·杜克莱所写的一份文件，他是一个博学多才的人，可惜性情过于好动，遭到日内瓦官员们极为残酷的迫害，最近死在阿尔贝的城堡中，他被监禁在那里好多年了，据说是因为他曾参预了伯尔尼的阴谋事件。 这份文件是对日内瓦大而无当的筑城计划的一个相当正确的批评。该计划已经部分地付诸实施，一些专家由于不了解议会实行这个宏伟计划的秘密目的，曾对该计划极力加以讽刺。米舍利先生因不赞成这个计划，被筑城委员会开除了。然而他认为，不用说自己是二百人议会中的议员，就是以公民的资格也可以充分发表自己的意见，于是写了这个文件，并且轻率地印了出来，虽然并未发行。他只印了二百份，分发给议员，此项印刷品完全被邮局根据小议会的命令扣留了。我在舅父的文件中找到了这份文件以及他的答辩书，我把这份文件与答辩书都拿走了。我作的这次旅行是在我离开土地登记处以后不久，当时我和担任处长的果克赛里律师仍保持相当的交情。以后不久，关税局长请我作他儿子的教父，并且请果克赛里夫人作教母。这种荣誉简直使我晕头转向，我对同这位律师有了如此亲近的关系感到自豪，为了要显示自己能够当得起这样巨大的荣誉，我一定要装出一个了不起的人物的样子。 由于这种想法，我觉得最好的办法是把米舍利先生的印刷文件拿给他看，那的确是一份稀有的文件，很可以拿来向他证明我是属于知道政府机密的日内瓦的名人之列。但是，由于某种难以解释的谨慎动机，我没有把我舅父对这份文件的答辩书拿给他，也许因为那是一份手稿，而律师先生所需要的只是印刷品。然而，他非常了解我愚蠢地交给他的那份文件的宝贵价值。从此我就没能收回它，也没有再见到它。后来，我深信无论再费多大力气也要不回来了，使索性做了个人情，把他所强占的东西变成了给他的赠品。毫无疑问，他一定拿着这份十分稀奇而毕竟没有多少实用价值的文件到都灵宫廷大肆吹嘘去了，并且还一定会想尽办法要按照这个文件可能的售价来索取一大笔钱。所幸在未来的一切不测风云之中，撒丁王围攻日内瓦是一件可能性最小的事。可是这也不是绝对不可能的，那么，我由于愚蠢的虚荣心而把这个要塞的最大缺点透露给它的资格最老的敌人，这就成为一件应该永远自责的憾事了。 我就这样在音乐与医药，以及在制定种种计划和到各处旅行之间消磨了两三年，不断从这件事转向另一件事，不知道一定要干什么。然而，我对学问也渐渐发生了爱好，常去拜访作家，听他们谈论文学，有时自己也插上几句，但我与其说是对书中的内容有所了解，不如说是在玩弄书上的佶屈聋牙的词语。在我去日内瓦的时候。有时顺便去探望我亲爱的老友西蒙先生，由于他把他从巴耶或从哥罗米埃斯那里所得到的学术界的最新消息讲给我听。使我增高了求知的热情。在尚贝里我也常常和一位多明我会的修士见面，他是一位物理学教授，一个很和善的教士，他的名字我现在已经忘记了，常常作一些使我感到非常有趣的小试验。有一次，我曾打算学他的办法制造密写墨水，我在玻璃瓶里装了多半瓶生石灰、硫化砷和水，用寨子紧紧塞好，差不多就在同时瓶内剧烈地沸腾起来，我赶紧跑过去，想打开瓶塞，但是已经来不及了，瓶子象颗炸弹似的爆炸了，溅了我一脸。我咽了一口硫化砷和石灰的混合物，结果差一点儿要了我的命。以后，我当了六个星期的瞎子，从此我明白了，不懂物理实验的原理就不能乱动手。 这个意外事件对我的健康说来可真不是时候，因为最近一个时期我的身体已经越来越坏了。我真不明白，我的体格本来很好，又没有任何过分的嗜好，为什么现在明显地一天天衰弱下去。我的体格相当魁梧，胸部也很宽，我的呼吸本应是舒畅的，然而我却经常气短，有时觉得很憋闷，不由地就发起喘来，而且有时心跳，有时吐血；后来，我开始经常发烧，而且一直没有痊癒过。我的内脏没有任何毛病，又没有作过任何有伤身体的事，为什么在青春时期竟到了这样的地步呢？ 俗话说：“创毁剑鞘”。我的情况正是这样。我的激情给我以生命力，同时也伤害了我。或许有人问：哪些激情呢？一些不值一提的事，一些极端幼稚的事，但这些事却使我就象是要占有海伦，或者要登上统治世界的宝座那样激动起来。首先是关于女人的事。当我占有了一个女人的时候，我的感官虽然安定了，但我的心却依旧不能平静。在炽烈的肉欲的快感中，爱的需求在吞食着我。我有了一个温情的妈妈，一个亲爱的女友；但是我还需要一个情妇。于是我就将一个想象中情妇放在妈妈的位置上，为了哄骗我自己，我千百次地变换她的形象。当我拥抱着她的时候，如果我意识到躺在自己怀里的是妈妈，即使我拥抱得同样有力，我的欲望也会息灭；虽然我为妈妈的温存而落泪，我却享受不到快乐。肉欲的快乐啊！这是男人命中注定的一部分吗？well!即使我这一生中只有一次尝到了爱的全部欢乐，我也不相信我这个孱弱的身体能够经受得住，我可能当场死去的。 因此，我终日受着这种没有对象的爱情的煎熬，也许正是这种爱情才更消耗精力。想到可怜的妈妈的境遇每况愈下，想到她那种不审慎的行为不久就必然要使她彻底破产，我忧心忡仲，焦灼万分。我那可怕的想象总是走在不幸事件的前面，不断向我描绘出那个极可怕的不幸的情景及其后果。我预见到，我将要为穷困所迫而必须离开我已为之献出生命、而且缺了她我就不能享受到生活乐趣的那个女人。我所以总是心神不宁，就是因为这个缘故。欲望和担忧互相交替地侵蚀着我。 音乐对我说来是另一种激情，虽然不十分炽烈，但也同样耗费我的精力，因为我对它也入了迷。我拚命钻研拉莫的那些难懂的著作，虽然我的记忆力已不听我使唤，我还是固执地加重它的负担。为了教音乐课我不断地东奔西跑；此外我还编写了一大堆乐曲，时常要通宵抄写乐谱。但是，为什么要提到这些经常性的工作呢？在我这轻佻的头脑中所想的一切蠢事，那些为时短暂、只占一天时光的爱好：一次旅行，一次音乐会，一顿晚餐，一次散步，读一本小说，看一出喜剧，所有这一切无须事先考虑安排就可以享受到的快乐或办得到的事情，对我说来都同样可以成为十分强烈的激情，当它们变得热烈可笑的时候，都能把我折腾得够呛。克利弗兰的虚构的不幸，（我曾疯狂地阅读《克利弗兰》一书，而且屡次中断、又屡次拾起来，）我敢说，比我自己的不幸更叫我难过。 有一个曾在俄国彼得大帝的宫廷里做过事的名叫巴格莱的日内瓦人，他是我见过的最无耻最荒唐的人。他经常装着一脑袋和他一样荒唐的计划，他把百万巨款说得易如反掌，而一无所有他也毫不在意。他有件纠纷要在元老院解决，所以到尚贝里来了，一来就把妈妈笼络住了，这是理所当然的，他慷慨地给妈妈拿出了他那许多一本万利的宝贵计划，而把妈妈仅有的那点银币一块一块地骗走了。我一点也不喜欢这个人，他也看得出来；对于我这样的人，看出我的心意当然是不难的。他不惜用种种卑鄙手段来巴结我。他会走几步棋，便提议教我下棋。我几乎是迫不得已才试了一试；刚刚学会了一点走法，我的进步就非常之快，第一局快完时，我就用他开始时让我的堡垒将了他的军。只这一下，我就变成了棋迷。我买棋盘棋子，买加拉布来的棋谱，一个人关在屋子里再也不出门了。我日日夜夜进行钻研，努力把所有的布局都记在心里，不管好歹一个劲儿往脑子里装，自己跟自己片刻不停、没完没了地下起棋来。经过两三个月的苦练和不可想象的努力，我就到咖啡馆去了。那时我面黄肌瘦，差不多象一个傻子。我要试一试手，就和巴格莱先生再杀一场；第一盘我输了，第二盘我又输了，一直输到二十盘；我脑袋里的那些走法全乱套了，我的想象力也完全迟钝了，眼前的一切仿佛在云雾中一样。每逢我拿起菲里多尔或斯达马的棋谱，练习和研究各种布局时，结果还是和上次一样：由于极度疲劳而造成的精力衰竭，我的棋下得比以前更糟了。而且，就是我把棋暂时放下一个时期或者努力继续钻研，也总是和那第一次下棋一样，一点进步也没有。我的程度，始终是第一次下棋终局时那个程度。我就是再练习千百年，也不过是拿堡垒将巴格莱的军的水平而已，其他一点进展也不会有。大家一定会说，这个时间消磨得真好！good!我的确用去了不少时间。我只是到了精力实在难以继续的时候，才放下了这最初的尝试。我从房间里出来时，简直象个从墓穴里出来的人，要是继续这样下去，恐怕也是不久于人世的。人们不难想见，象我这样气质的一个人，而且是在青年时期，要想保持健康确实是困难的啊！ 身体的衰弱，也影响了我的情绪，使我那好作奇思异想的热情冷淡了一些。由于感到体力衰退，我变得比较安定了，一心只想旅行的热望也有所减低。我比以前喜欢呆在家里了，我感到的不是烦恼，而是忧郁。病态的敏感代替了激情，沮丧变成了悲伤；我时常无缘无故地叹息落泪，我觉得还没享受到人生的乐趣，生命就要逝去。想到我那可怜的妈妈行将陷入破产的凄惨境地，我心中十分难过；我敢说，我唯一悲伤的，就是我要离开她，使她处于一种凄凉的境地。最后，我完全病倒了。她用远胜过母亲对儿女的心肠来照料我，这对她本人说来，倒是一件好事，因为这不仅使她不再去关心她那各式各样的计划，同时还可以避开那些给她乱出主意的人。如果死亡在那时来临的话，那该是多么甜蜜呀！虽说我没享受到多少人生的幸福，但我也没有遭遇到多少人生的不幸。我那恬静的灵魂，可以在尚未痛感人间的不公正之前安然离去，这种不公正使生与死都受到了毒害。我堪以自慰的是，在我的同命者身上还保持着我的存在，这也就是虽死犹生啊。如果我对她的命运没有什么忧虑的话，我死的时候就会象安然入睡一样；而且这些忧虑的本身又由于有一个温柔多情的对象，痛苦也就减轻了。我常对她说：“你是我整个身心的保护者，你要让我感到幸福啊。”有两三次，在我病得最厉害的时候，我夜里从床上爬起来，拖着有病的身子摸到她的房里，向她提出一些劝告，这些劝告，我敢说，都是非常正确和明智的，而最突出的一点还是我对她的命运的关切。眼泪好象是我的营养品和药物，我坐在她身边的床沿上，握着她的双手，和她一同洒下的眼泪，使我的精神又恢复起来了。这种夜间谈话有时长达几小时，当我回到自己屋子的时候，我觉得比去的时候好了许多。她对我许下的诺言，给我的希望，使我感到欣慰，一切烦恼都消失了，于是我就怀着听凭上帝安排的宁静心情安然地入睡了。假如我在这个时候死去，我是不会感到死亡是多么痛苦的。上帝呀，我这一生经历了多少人间恨事，经历了使我生活动荡不安的多少风暴，以致生命对我说来简直成了一种负担，但愿结束这一切的死亡来临的时候，它会象当年一样，不会让我感到更大的痛苦吧！ 由于她的百般照顾、细心看护和令人难以置信的关怀，她终于把我救活了，而且，的确也只有她能够这样做。我不太相信医生们的医疗，却非常相信一个挚友的照顾：同我们的幸福休戚相关的事情总是要比任何其他事情做得更好些。如果说生活中真有一种快乐的感觉，那一定是我们现在所感到的两人相依为命的那种感觉。我们相互间的爱恋并未因此而日益增长，那是不可能的；但是在我们这种极质朴的爱恋中，却产生了一种令人说不出来的更亲密、更动人心弦的关系。我完全成了她的作品，完全变成了她的孩子，她比我的生身母亲还亲。我们不知不觉地已经谁也离不开谁了，我们的生命也仿佛糅合在一起了，我们不仅感到谁都需要谁，而且还觉得只要两人在一起就什么都满足了。我们已经习惯于不再考虑我们身外的一切事物，而把我们的幸福和一切愿望完全寄托在两人的互相占有中。我们的这种占有可能是人世上绝无仅有的占有；这不是我前面说过的那种一般爱情上的占有，而是某种更本质的占有，它不是基于情欲、性、年龄、容貌，而是基于人之所以为人的那一切，除非死亡，就绝不能丧失的那一切。 这一如此可贵的转折，为什么没有为她和我的此后余生带来长久的幸福呢？这不是我的过错，我深信这一点，我对此感到宽慰。这也决不是她的过错，至少她不是故意的。但是事情注定了：人的不可制服的本性又占了上风。不过，那不幸的结局也不是一下子发生的。感谢上天的安排，曾有过一个间隔期间：短暂而宝贵的间隔期间啊！它不是由于我的过错而终止的，我也不能怪自己没有很好地加以利用。 虽然我的大病痊癒了，但精力并未复原，我的胸部还在发疼，余留的微烧始终未退，一直软弱无力。我只想在我所喜爱的女人身边度我的余生，使她永不放弃她所下的决心，叫她知道幸福生活的真正所在，并尽我的力量使她成为幸福的人，除此以外，我对任何事情都不感兴趣。但是我不仅认为而且也感觉到在一所阴暗凄凉的房子里，两人寂寞无聊地终日对坐，最后也会感到愁闷的。改变这种状况的机会不用找，自已就来了。妈妈认为我应该喝牛奶，并且要我到乡下去喝。我表示，只要她和我一块儿去，我就同意。这一要求她马上就答应了，问题只在于选择什么地点。郊外的那个园子谈不上真正的乡下，四周又有别人家的房子和花园，没有一点儿可作乡居之所的吸引力。再说，自从阿奈去世以后，为了节约，我们已经不要这个园子了，我们也无心去照顾园中的植物。由于我们还有许多其他的事情要做，放弃这样一个简陋的地方，并不使我们感到惋惜。 现在，我趁她对城市生活发生厌倦的时机，建议她索性离开城市，搬到幽静的地方去住，在那里找一所离城较远的小房子，使那些讨厌鬼再也找不到我们。如果她这样做了的话，则由她的守护天使和我的守护天使启示给我的这个主意，很可能使我们一直到死过着幸福安静的生活。然而，这并不是我们注定要享的福分。妈妈过惯了豪华生活，她注定要遭受的穷困和不幸带来的种种痛苦，使她不致过分留恋人生。至于我，这个各种灾难的牺牲品，注定要留在社会上，以便有一天能给任何热爱公众幸福，热爱正义，不靠同伙支持，不靠党派庇护，单凭自己的正直而敢于公开向人类说真话的人做个榜样。 一种不幸的顾虑把她抱住了。她怕得罪房主人，不敢离开她那所破房子。她对我说：“你的隐居计划非常好，也很合我的心意，不过，过隐居生活也需要钱呀，放弃我这所监牢般的房子，就有失去饭碗的危险，当我们在树林里找不到饭吃的时候，还得到城里来找。为了避免这种麻烦，我们最好不要完全离开城市。我们就继续给圣劳朗伯爵那点房租吧！这样他就不致停止我的年金。我们要设法找所小房子，它离城的距离可以使你享受生活的安静，又在必要时可以随时回城里来。”事情就这样决定了。找了一些时候，我们就决定居住在沙尔麦特村属于孔济埃先生的一段土地上；这个地方就在尚贝里旁边，但是很僻静，仿佛离城有百里之遥。在两座相当高的山丘之间，有一个南北向的小山谷，山谷底部的乱石和灌木丛中有一道溪水，沿着这个山谷，在半山腰间疏疏落落地座落着几所房子，任何一个喜欢在比较偏僻比较荒野的地方过隐居生活的人，对这里都会非常满意。我们看了两三处房子，最后选择了最漂亮的一所，这所房子的所有人是一位正在服役的贵族，名叫诺厄莱。房子很适于居住。前面是一座高合式的花园，上面是一片葡萄园。下面是果树，对面是一个小小的栗树林，不远的地方还有一处泉水；再上一些，山上有作牧场用的草地，总之，对我们所要建立田园生活必要的一切应有尽有。据我记忆所及，我们大概是在一七三六年的夏末住到那里去的。我们第一夜在那里睡下的时候，我真是快活极了。我拥抱着这位可爱的女友，欣喜若狂，激动得睁着泪汪汪的双眼对她说道：“哦，妈妈，这真是幸福和纯洁的住所啊。我们要是在这里找不到幸福和纯洁，那就别到其他地方去找了。”