Chapter 10 Chapter 5-1

chapter Five As stated above, I arrived in Chambery about 1732 and started working for the King at the Land Registry.I was then past twenty, approaching twenty-one.For my age, my intellect is quite developed, but my judgment is not enough; I desperately need someone to teach me how to behave in the world.The life experience of the past few years has not allowed me to completely throw away some of my absurd ideas. Even though I have experienced all kinds of hardships and hardships, I still do not have a deep understanding of the world and human relationships, as if I have not learned any lessons from them.

I live in my own house, that is to say in my mother's house.But I can no longer live in a room like the one at Annecy.There are no gardens, no rivers, no beautiful fields here.The house in which she lived was gloomy and dreary, and my room was the gloomiest and dreary of them all.A high wall outside the window, a dead-end alley under the window, stuffiness, lack of sunlight, cramped quarters, crickets and mice, and rotten boards all made it difficult to live comfortably.But, after all, I live with her, by her side.Since I was often either in the office or in her room, the ugliness of my own room didn't bother me much, and I didn't have time to think about it at all.People must have wondered why she lived in this shabby house in Chambery on purpose, but in fact this is her cleverness, and I cannot help explaining it here.She was reluctant to go to Turin, as she felt that it would be inappropriate to go there at a time when the court was still in turmoil after recent events.However, her personal relations required her to be there: she was afraid of being forgotten and her annuity canceled, especially since she knew that the Comte de Saint-Laurent, the treasurer, was usually not very helpful to her.The count had an old house in Chambery, so poorly built and so out of the way, that it was always vacant, and my mother rented it and moved there.In this way, the effect was greater than that of going to Turin in person: not only was her pension not cancelled, but the Count Saint-Laurent had become her friend since then.

Her house seemed to me to be much the same as before, and the faithful Claude Anais was always with her.I think I talked about him once, he was a villager from Montreux, who used to gather herbs in the Jura mountains as a child to make Swiss tea.Since she had to prepare various medicines, she had hired him, and she thought it would be convenient to have someone among her servants who knew the ingredients.His particular fondness for plants, which she encouraged him so strongly, made him a botanist indeed; and if he had not died young, he would have made a name for himself in botanical circles, as he had become an honest man. Same as earned fame.He was a serious, even rather serious man, and I was younger than he, so he seemed to me a kind of guardian, and often saved me from a lot of stupid things.Since he has a certain dignity in front of me, I dare not get carried away in front of him.He even had a certain influence over his mistress, who knew his excellence of opinion, his integrity, and his unfailing devotion, and she repaid him equally well.Claude Adon can indeed be said to be a rare character, and I have never seen a second one like him.His demeanor was calm, steady, cautious, his manner calm, and his conversation concise and decent.His passion was so intense that he never showed it, but it gnawed at his heart quietly and made him do the only terrible stupid thing in his life.One day he took poison.This tragedy, which occurred not long after my arrival, gave me an insight into the intimacy between this man and his mistress, which I should never have guessed had she not told me herself. of.True, if affection, devotion, and fidelity deserved such rewards, he deserved them, and his behavior justified them, for he never abused them.There were few quarrels between them, occasionally, and they always made up in the end.One time, however, it turned out badly.Her mistress, in a moment of anger, said to him an insult which he could not bear, when, in his despair, he saw a vial of opiate at hand, swallowed it, and fell asleep, thinking that This sleep will never wake up.Fortunately Madame de Warrens, walking up and down the house in a state of restlessness and agitation, found the little empty bottle, and she understood the rest.She ran to save him, crying out, and I ran after her.She confessed it all to me, and begged me to help her, and it was with great difficulty that I made him spit out the opium.Witnessing this, I was astonished at my own stupidity, for I hadn't seen a shadow of what she told me about their relationship beforehand.But then again, Claude Anais is indeed very cautious, even people with sharper eyes than me can't see it.Their reconciliation was as natural as before, which moved me very much.From then on, I added respect to him in addition to admiration.You could say I became his apprentice.I don't think that's so bad.

But it is not without pain to know that another person is more intimately related to her than I am to her.Although I do not aspire to the position, it is quite natural that I should not be indifferent when I see it occupied by others.However, knowledge of the person who took my place begins with sensory experience, but limited senses cannot exhaust knowledge of the world.Logically, not only do I not hold any resentment, but I really feel that I have extended my love for her to that person as well.I put her happiness above all else, and since she needs Anais for that, I want him to be happy too.For his part, too, he had complete respect for his mistress, and treated her chosen friend with sincere friendship.He never used the authority his position gave him, but he used his intellect to my advantage.I dared not do anything that might be reprimanded by him, for he has no mercy for bad things.Thus we live in harmony, and we are all happy, which only death can destroy.One of the proofs of the noble character of this lovely woman was her ability to make all who loved her love each other.Jealousy and jealousy were shunned by the noble sentiments she aroused, and I never found any ill-will among those around her.I hope that when the reader reads this praise, stop reading for a while, please think, if you can find another woman worthy of such praise, then, in order to make your life quiet, even if she is the most despicable A woman should also love her.

Thus began the period of eight or nine years from my arrival at Chambery until my departure for Paris in 1741.About this period, there is not much to talk about. This period of life was simple and pleasant. This kind of simple life with very few changes is a condition needed to thoroughly temper my character. Due to the constant disturbance, my character Never took shape.It is during this precious period.My messy and unsystematic education began to have a stable foundation, and my character was gradually finalized, so that I always maintained my true colors in the various storms I encountered in the future.This development process is done slowly and imperceptibly, and there are not many events worth remembering.But it is worth describing in detail after all.

At the beginning, I was almost immersed in my work; the busy affairs of the office did not allow me to think about other things, and the only free time I had was spent by my good mother, without any reading. Time, don't even think about it.However, when the daily work gradually became a familiar routine and did not require brains so much, I didn't know what to do, so I had the requirement to read again.This inclination always seems to be aroused when it is not satisfied, and if it is not disturbed and diverted by other inclinations, it must make me as obsessed with reading as when I was an apprentice.

Although our calculation work does not require very advanced arithmetic, it sometimes makes me encounter difficulties. In order to overcome these difficulties, I bought a few arithmetic books, and I learned very well the religious superstition of "foretelling good and bad luck in adverbs"; Latitude is the superstition of wizards and alchemists, and I am self-taught. Practical arithmetic is not as simple as people think, and if it is to be very accurate, sometimes it is extremely troublesome to calculate. I have seen several times Even the best geometers are bewildered. Thought combined with practicality leads to definite concepts, and to discovering expedient methods, the discovery of which stimulates self-respect, and the accuracy of which satisfies the intellect. , the original boring work, now has a simple method, which makes people interested. Since I have studied hard, no problems that can be solved by numbers can bother me. Now, everything I am familiar with has gradually changed from my When the memory fades away, only the set of arithmetic knowledge I have learned has not been forgotten even though it has been abandoned for thirty years. A few days ago, I went to Dawenpu as a guest, and my landlord's child was doing calculations Arithmetic problem, I calculated one of the most complicated exercises correctly and with incredible ease and joy. When I wrote the result. I seemed to return to those happy days in Chambery .This is how many years ago!

The colors of the surveyors' drawings revived my interest in painting.I bought some paints and started painting flowers and landscapes.Unfortunately, I don't have much talent for this art, but I love it very much.I can sit between brushes and pencils for months without going out.This thing just haunted me, and I had to be forced to let it go.This is the case with any hobby, as long as I start out obsessed, the hobby gradually deepens until it becomes a mania, and soon, nothing but the one I'm obsessed with.I can't see anything in the world.My malady has not changed with age, or even lessened at all.Even now, as I write this book, although I am already an old fool, I am still eager to study another kind of useless stuff.I was completely ignorant of this kind of knowledge, and those who have already started this kind of research in their youth will be forced to give up at my age, but I want to start at this time.

At that time, it was the right time to study that kind of knowledge. The opportunity was very good, and I didn't want to let it go.Two or three times I was on the verge of going plant-gathering with him when I saw Anais come back with so many new plants, with a twinkle of joy in his eyes.I am sure that if I had been with him once, I would have been fascinated, and I might be a great botanist today, for I do not know of anything more in my nature than the study of plants. knowledge.My life in the country for ten years has in fact been a constant collection of plants, but to be honest, I have neither purpose nor success in collecting plants.Since I didn't know anything about botany at the time, I still had a kind of contempt for it, and I could even say I hated it.I just see it as something that pharmacists should look into.Although my mother loves plants very much, she doesn't use them for other purposes. She just collects commonly used plants to make medicines.So at that time, I mixed botany, chemistry, and anatomy together in my thinking, thinking that they all belonged to medicine, and could only be used as a joke for me, and sometimes I would reward myself with a few slaps on the face.But a different and even opposite inclination was gradually developing, which soon overwhelmed all others.I'm talking about music.I must have been born for this art, because I have loved it since childhood, and the only art I have always loved throughout my life is music.What is puzzling is that although it can be said that I was born for this kind of art, it is so difficult to learn, and the progress is so slow. After a lifetime of practice, I have never been able to sing correctly when I opened the score. come out.What I enjoyed most about this hobby at the time was that I could practice it with my mother.Though our tastes were very different, music was a bond which brought us both together day and night, and it was indeed an occasion which I gladly took advantage of, and which she never objected to.At that time, my progress in music had almost caught up with hers; after practicing a song two or three times, we could recognize the notation and sing it down.A few times when she was bustling around the medicine stove, I said to her, "Here's a very interesting two-part chorus, Mamma, I think you'll burn your medicine out of it." Really!" She said to me, "If you make me boil the medicine, I'll tell you to take it." And so I bickered and drew her to her harpsichord There.As soon as we got there, we forgot everything, the juniper berries and wormwood turned to black coals, and she took them and wiped them all over my face, and all of this was delicious.

The reader can see that although I have very little free time, I do a lot of things with this little time.Now I have a new amusement, more amusing than all others. It was so stuffy where we lived that we had to go outside to get some fresh air a lot.Anais once persuaded her mother to rent a garden in the suburbs to grow plants.The garden contained a rather beautiful hut, where we furnished the necessary furniture as we saw fit, and put a bed.We often eat there, and sometimes I sleep there at night.Unknowingly, I developed a strong affection for this little retreat.I have prepared a few books and a good number of engravings for it, and I have spent part of my time decorating the cottage and making some novel arrangements, so that when my mother came to walk here, she would feel unexpected. happy.I left her on purpose and came here alone in order to care for her more attentively and miss her with greater joy.This is another quirk of mine that I neither justify nor explain, I just state it because it is what it is.I remember that the Duchess of Luxembourg once joked to me about a man who left his mistress just to write to her.I said to her that I probably did the same, and I should further add that I had done it a few times.However, when I was with my mother, I never felt the need to leave her in order to love her better, because it was the same whether I was alone with her or by myself. I felt more at home than I had ever been with anyone, man or woman, no matter how much friendship I felt for him.But she is often surrounded by people I really can't understand, and a feeling of anger and boredom forces me to hide in my closet, where I can think of her as I like, without worrying about those annoying people. of visitors.

In this way, I allocated work, entertainment and study very well, and my life was very peaceful, but Europe at that time was not as peaceful as I was.France declares war on the Emperor.The king of Sardinia also participated in the war.The French army passed through Piedmont in order to enter the province of Milan.One of the columns passed through Chambery, and the Champagne regiment commanded by the Duke of Tremiilles was part of this column.I was introduced to him, and he promised me many things, but of course he forgot about me afterwards.When the troops passed through the suburbs, because our small garden was on a high point in the suburbs, I enjoyed the sight of watching the troops pass by in front of me.I am very concerned about the outcome of this war, as if the victory of the war has a great relationship with me; before that, I had no habit of caring about state affairs, and now I am reading the newspaper for the first time, and I am very interested in France. Such a preference, whose small victories make my heart beat with joy, and the sight of a defeat makes me apprehensive, as if it were doing me a disservice.If this foolish feeling were only fleeting, I would not bother to speak of it.But this feeling took root in me, even when I later became an opponent of the absolute monarchy and a staunch republican in Paris.I could not help feeling an inner partiality for a nation which I considered slavish, and for a government which I had always condemned.The irony is that, being ashamed of having such an inclination in me that was so contrary to my own beliefs, I not only dared not speak of it to anyone, but even laughed at the French for their failures, when in fact My heart is sadder than all French people.I am sure that I am the only one who pretends to look down upon a people who are favored and admired by them.In the end, this tendency in my mind is so selfless.So firm and invincible, even after I left the Kingdom of France, when the government, judges, and writers combined to attack me madly, it became a fashion to slander and slander me. Feelings haven't changed either.Even though they treated me badly, I couldn't help loving them.As soon as England's decline, which I had prophesied in its greatest prosperity, began to appear, I again fancied that the French nation was invincible, and that they might one day deliver me from the shackles of my distress. I have searched for a long time for the source of this preference, and I have only discovered it in the circumstances in which it arose.My growing love of literature has given me a deep affection for French books, their authors, and even their native country.I was reading Brandonme's "Lives of Great Generals" as the French army passed by.At that time, my head was full of characters such as Clisson, Bayard, Rotrec, Corliny, Montmorency, Trimille, etc., so I also regarded the soldiers who passed by my eyes as the names of these famous generals. Descendants, I like them very much, because I think they are the successors of the feats and bravery of these famous generals.Whenever a regiment passed by, I seemed to see the black flag regiments that had made great achievements in Piedmont back then.In short, I completely imposed the ideas I got from books on what I saw.My incessant reading, often of French books, had cultivated in me a feeling for France, which at last had grown into a madness which no force could overcome.Later, when I was traveling, I found out.I am not alone in this feeling, which in all countries affects to a greater or lesser degree the love of books and literature, and it is counterbalanced by the fact that the French The general distaste for France caused by his arrogance.French novels win the hearts of women in other countries better than French men; and the masterpieces of drama make young people fall in love with French plays.Foreigners flocked to the fame of the Paris theater and left it marveling at it.In short, the beautiful taste of French literature.To the admiration of all minds, and during that last-defeated war, I found French writers and philosophers upholding the honor of a French name stained by the military. So, I've become a passionate Frenchman and an inquirer.I followed a crowd of simple-minded people out into the street and waited for the paperman, even more stupid than the donkey in La Fontaine's fable, because I couldn't wait to see what kind of an ass I would be honored to wear. saddle of the owner.At that time there were rumors that we were going to belong to France, and Savoy was going to swap with Milan.It must be admitted, however, that my apprehensions were not unfounded, and that if the outcome of this war were not favorable to the Confederates, mother's pension would be in jeopardy.However, I have full confidence in my buddies.Although Marshal Bloreil was hit this time, thanks to the assistance of the King of Sardinia, my confidence was not in vain, but I never thought of the King of Sardinia. While the war was going on in Italy, there was singing in France.Rameau's operas were beginning to become famous, and his theoretical works with obscure meanings and unknown to ordinary people were also attracting attention.I overheard someone talking about his "Harmony", and I was busy for a long time in order to buy this book.By another accident, I fell ill.It was an inflammation that came on violently but not for a long time, but it took a long recovery period, and I didn't leave the house for a whole month.During this period, I devoured the "Harmony", which was not only long but also poorly written, and I felt that it would take a lot of time to study and understand it thoroughly.So I stopped working on it and practiced music to give my eyes a rest.The chorus of Bernier, which I was practicing at the time, was always in my mind.I have memorized four or five of them, and "Sleeping Venus" is one of them.Although I haven't seen it since then, I still remember it almost exactly.Another very nice choral song by Clarence, "Eros Stung by a Bee", was learned almost at the same time, and I still remember it now. Also, there was a young organist named Father Bale who came here from Val Oster.He was a good musician, kind, and played the harpsichord very well.After I got acquainted with him, we immediately became inseparable friends.He was a student of a famous Italian organist and priest.He talked to me about some of his musical principles; I compared his theory with Rameau's.My head is full of accompaniments, harmonics, and harmony. For all of these, I first need to train my listening.I suggested to my mother to hold a small concert once a month, and she said yes.So I ignored everything else and concentrated on these concerts day and night.In fact, this kind of thing is really busy for me, and I am very busy, not only choosing scores, inviting players, but also finding instruments, assigning parts, and so on.My mother is in charge of singing, and the priest Katong I mentioned earlier is also in charge of singing. I will mention this priest again below; a dance teacher named Rosher plays the violin with his son; he is with me in the land registration Carnavala, the Piedmontese musician who worked in the same place and married in Paris, on the cello; Father Barre on the harpsichord; and the honor of carrying the baton as conductor of music belongs to me.It is not difficult for everyone to imagine, what a magnificent scene this is!It was not quite as good as the concerts at M. Tretoran's, but her little concerts, which offended the pious, were pleasant entertainments to many honest people.You can't guess who I will ask to be the host of the concert under such circumstances?A priest, and a capable, even lovable priest at that, whose later misfortunes made me very sad, but when I think of him I think of the happy days I had, and I miss him to this day.I am talking about Father Katong.He was a Franciscan, and had conspired with the Comte d'Ordans to detain poor "kitten" at Lyons, which was not the most glorious part of his life.He was a bachelor of the Sorbonne Seminary, lived in Paris for a long time, often went out to high society, and had very close contacts with the Marquis Antelemont, the ambassador of the Kingdom of Sardinia at that time.He was a tall, well-built man, with a plump face, bulbous eyes, and black hair that curled unadorned on his brow; He has not the ugliness of a fashionable man, although he is a fashionable man; he has the qualities of a decent man, who is not ashamed to wear black robes, but has deep self-respect, and can be in the middle of the upper class with equanimity. .Although Father Kadong's knowledge is not enough to qualify as a doctor, for a person in the social field, his knowledge is very rich.He was never in a hurry to show off his knowledge, but was so well-timed that he appeared the more learned.Because he has experienced a long social life and prefers interesting crafts to real learning.He was very talented, could write poetry, talked well, sang better, had a beautiful voice, and played the accordion and the harpsichord.In fact, one need not have so many qualities to be popular, and that was what he was then.However, this did not in the slightest cause him to neglect his office, and so, despite the envy of his rivals, he was elected representative of the parish of his province, that is to say, an important post in their council. This Father Katong met his mother at the house of the Marquis of Antelemont.He heard about the concert we were giving, and offered to attend; he attended, and made the concert a success.We soon became friends because we both love music; we both love music, but with a difference: he's a real musician, I'm just a faux pas.Canava and I, as well as Father Bale, often went to his room to play music; sometimes we played music in the concert hall of his church during festivals.We used to share some of his own food; and it is surprising, too, that a priest should be generous, generous, jovial without vulgarity.On concert days, he would have dinner with his mother.When he was having dinner at my mother's house, we were really happy, we chatted casually, sang a few duets, and I was chatting and laughing too.At that time, I was leisurely and free, and my creativity also came up, and I often said some witty words or aphorisms; Father Kadong was kind and friendly, and my mother was even more likable.Sweet moments of youthful laughter, how long have you been gone! Since I have nothing more to say about poor Father Katong, let me conclude his tragic history with a few words.The other clergy envied him, to be more exact, when they saw his erudition, his good conduct, and his absence of any of the corruptions that are common to clergy.Furious at him, they hated him because he wasn't hated like the other priests.The prominent clergy united against him, and incited against him the young clergy who had previously dared not look him in the face but who coveted his office.Having abused and slandered him to their heart's content, they dismissed him from his duties, seized his modest but stylishly furnished rooms, and deported him somewhere.At last the insults of these villains were too great for his just and justifiable pride to bear, and this man, who had graced the most seductive world of society, Died sadly on a dirty bed in a cell or dungeon.All honest people who knew him regretted and shed tears for him, seeing no fault in him except that he should not have been a priest. In such circumstances of life I soon became so absorbed in music that I had no thoughts of anything else.I reluctantly went to the office, and the commuting time and the hassle of the job was such an unbearable torture that I finally decided to quit my job and concentrate on music.It is conceivable that my absurd idea will meet with opposition.Giving up a decent job and a solid income to run around teaching shaky music lessons was a foolish plan that wouldn't please Mama.To devote myself to a musician all my life would be to confine my ambitions too narrowly, even if my future success might be what I imagined it to be.Mamma, who used to conceive brilliant schemes, and utterly disregarded what M. Aubonne said of me, saw me devote all my energies to what seemed to her an insignificant art. , is really sad.She used to say to me that proverb, which applies more to the provinces than to Paris; My obsession has reached the point of insanity, and she is also very afraid that I will be dismissed because of my inattention to work. Rather than being dismissed by others, it is better to resign first.I also told her that this job cannot last long, I must learn a skill that can sustain my life, and now it is best to master the skill that I love and that my mother chose for me in practice, This is relatively certain, but relying on protection and relying on others is not a way. In addition, if you try something new, the result may be a complete failure. When you pass the age of learning, you will have no way to make a living.In short, rather than saying that I used reason to persuade her to make her agree, it would be better to say that I kept pestering her and said many nice words so that she had no choice but to agree.Immediately I ran to Mr. Gokseri, Director of the Land Registry, and as proudly resigned from him as if doing a most heroic deed, I voluntarily left me without reason, without reason, and without excuse. As happy as I was when I assumed the job two years ago, or more so than I was then. Foolish as it was, this action earned me some respect in this place, and did me good.Some people think that I have property, but in fact I have nothing. Others, seeing that I devote myself to music regardless of sacrifice, think that I must have great talent, and seeing that I am so fond of this art, they think that I must He is very knowledgeable in this area.There used to be only a few incompetent teachers in that place, so I became the best, as the saying goes: In the country of the blind, one-eyed is king.In short, as I did sing with some charm, and with the advantages of my age and appearance, I soon had a number of female pupils, and I earned more money teaching music than I could earn as a secretary. Indeed, taking the pleasures of life, it is impossible for others to go from one extreme to the other so quickly.Eight hours of nasty work at the Land Registry and cooped up all day in offices that stink of sweat and breath with even more nasty people, most of whom don't comb their hair or shower. Dirty guy who doesn't wash, I really feel dizzy from nervousness, stink, boredom and boredom.It was a different thing now, I was suddenly in the best of society, in the homes of the best people where everyone was welcome, where hospitality was everywhere, and festivals were everywhere.Lovely ladies in splendid attire waited for me and received me graciously.All I see are touching things, all I smell are roses and orange blossoms.Singing, chatting, laughing, and having fun; I went from one house to another, and it was still the same.Even if the pay for both jobs is the same, people will agree that there is little hesitation in choosing between the two jobs.I am, therefore, perfectly satisfied with my choice, and have never regretted it, even now that I have freed myself from the rash motives which once ruled all my actions, and when I measure my life's conduct on the scales of reason Never regret it. Almost only this time, when I was completely at the mercy of my inclinations, my expectations were not disappointed.The gracious reception of the local residents, their amiable expressions, and their easy-going demeanor made me feel very happy to communicate with people in the upper class. The taste I developed at that time convinced me that the reason why I don’t want to communicate with people now is mainly due to other people’s fault. Not me. Unfortunately, the Savoyards are not very rich; or rather, it would be unfortunate if they were too rich.For they are neither poor nor rich, but the kindest and most sociable people I have ever met.If there is ever a small city in the world where the joys of life can be enjoyed in pleasant and safe intercourse, it must be Chambery.The provincial nobles assembled there had only enough to live on; they had no means of prosperity, and since they could not dream of anything higher, they were compelled to follow the advice of Cineas.Go to the army when you are young, and go home to enjoy the rest of your life when you are old.In this life honor and reason have their proper place.Women are very beautiful, but in fact they don't need to be so beautiful. They have ways to increase their charm and make up for their shortcomings.The strange thing is that I have seen many girls due to my profession, but I have never seen one in Chambery who was not charming.或者有人会说，我认为她们如此是我当时的主观看法，这样说也可能是对的；不过，我当时并不需要给她们的美丽加上什么主观成分。说真的，我一想起我那些年轻的女学生来，就不能不感到愉快。我在这里提到她们当中最可爱的几个人的时候，我真恨不得把她们和我全都拉回到我们幸福的年龄，我跟她们共同度过的那些纯洁而甜蜜的时刻！第一个是我的邻居麦拉赖德小姐，她是盖姆先生的学生的妹妹，是一位非常活泼的棕发姑娘，活泼得十分可爱，娇媚而不轻佻。她有点面瘦，她那年龄的姑娘大部分如此；但是她有一双明亮的眼睛，再加上她那苗条的身材和动人的风度用不着再有丰腴的体态就够吸引人的了。我总是早上到她家里去，那时候她往往还穿着便装，头发也是随便往上一拢，除了知道我来才戴上、等我走后梳妆时就摘下去的一朵花之外，没有其他的头饰。我最害怕看到穿着便装的漂亮女人，如果她修饰打扮完毕以后，我的惧怕就不知要减少多少了。我午后到孟顿小姐家去，她总是打扮得很齐整，也同样使我感到愉快，但情况有所不同。她长着一头稍带灰色的金发，是一个十分娇小、十分腼腆、十分白皙的姑娘。语声清脆、准确，象银笛一般，但她不敢放开嗓音讲话。她胸间有一块被开水烫伤的疤痕，蓝色的项巾并不能完全盖住。这块疤痕有时引起我的注意，但是很快我的注意力就不是集中在她那块疤痕上了。还有我的一个邻居莎乐小姐，她已是一个发育成熟的少女了，身材高大，肩胛美丽，体态丰腴；她是个漂亮的女人，但不能算是美人，不过娇媚、平和的气质和温厚的天性，还是值得一提。她的姐姐莎丽夫人是尚贝里最漂亮的女人，已经不学音乐了，但是她叫她的十分年幼的女儿学，她那正在成长的美可以令人预料她将来一定不会亚于她的母亲，如果不是头发不幸有点红黄色的话。在圣母访问会女修道院有一位年轻的法国小姐，也是我的学生，她的名字我忘记了，但她应该算是我心爱的学生之一。她说起话来，学会了修女们那种慢条斯理的派头，但是用这种声调说出的非常俏皮的话，似乎和她的仪态很不相称。另外，她还相当懒惰，轻易不肯费点力气把她的才智表现出来，而且，远不是所有的人能够享受到她的这种恩惠。我教了她一两个月，总是不能得心应手，以后，她才逐渐发挥了她的才智，使我的教学也比以前快了一些，如果单凭我自己，我是不能做到这一点的。我在教课时很高兴教，但是我不喜欢被迫去教课，更不喜欢受时间的约束。无论在什么事情上，约束、屈从都是我不能忍受的，约束和屈从甚至会使我厌恶欢乐。据说，在穆斯林中间，黎明的时候，有人要从大街上走过，命令丈夫们尽自己对妻子应尽的义务；要是我在这种时候，一定不会是个服从命令的好土耳其人。 我在中产阶级中间也有几个女学生，其中有一个对我的某种关系的变化有间接影响。既然我应该什么都说出来，这点我也是要谈的。她是一个香料商的女儿，名叫腊尔小姐。她是希腊雕像的真正模特儿；如果世界上存在无生命、无灵魂的真正美人，那我一定要把她看成是我平生所见到的最美丽的姑娘了。她那种淡漠、冰冷和毫无感情的态度简直到了令人难以置信的程度。不论是让她高兴，或是惹她生气，都同样是办不到的。我确信要是有个男人对她采取什么无理行动，她也会任凭摆布的，这当然不是由于她心里愿意，而是由于麻木不仁。她的母亲唯恐她碰到这种危险，一步也不离开她。她母亲叫她学唱歌，还给她请了一个年轻教师，她是想尽一切办法来引起她的乐趣，但也毫无效果。在教师挑逗小姐时，母亲挑逗教师，二者都同样毫无效果。腊尔太太除了天生的活泼以外，还有一种轻佻劲儿，也是她女儿应该有而没有的。她是个活泼、漂亮的小个子女人，脸上有儿点麻子，一双热情的小眼睛，稍稍有点红，因为她差不多总是害眼。每天上午我来到她家的时候，给我预备的奶油咖啡早就摆在那里了，母亲总是忘不了以紧紧贴住嘴唇的亲吻来迎接我，我在好奇心的驱使下，真想对她的女儿回敬同样的一吻，看看她到底有什么表示。说真的，所有这一切都非常自然，就是腊尔先生在场，也照样是爱抚和亲吻。丈夫确是一个好脾气的男人，不愧是她女儿的父亲，他的妻子并不欺骗他，因为没有欺骗的必要。 我对于这些爱抚毫不介意，仍按照我素日那种愚蠢的看法，认为这只是纯粹友谊的表示。然而，我也有时感到不耐烦，因为活泼的腊尔太太的要求越来越苛了，要是我白天从她的店铺前面经过而不进去一会儿的话，就免不了一场麻烦，所以，我有急事的时候，就不得不绕远儿走另一条街，因为我知道她那里是进去容易出来难的。 腊尔太太对我太关心了，因此不能使我对她毫不动情，她的关怀使我非常感动。我认为这是很平常的一件事，就对妈妈说了。其实就是我感到有什么神秘的成分，我也是会跟她谈的，因为不论什么事情，要我对她保守秘密是办不到的；我的心赤裸裸地摆在她的面前，如同摆在上帝的面前一样。她对于这件事并不象我看得那样单纯。我认为只不过是友谊，她却认为这是另有所图的一种表示。她断定腊尔太太为了维持自己的面子也要把我变成不象我在她面前表现的那样呆头呆脑，迟早会用种种方法让我明白她的意思。她认为由另一个女人来开导她的学生是不应该的，而且她还有更正当的理由来保护我，不让我陷入我的年龄和我的地位可能使我遇到的陷阱。就在当时，我曾面临着一个更危险的陷阱的诱惑，虽然我总算逃脱了，但是这使她看出了还有其他危险在不断地威胁着我，她认为必须采取她力所能及的一切预防措施。 孟顿伯爵夫人是我的一个女学生的母亲，她是一个聪明的女人，但是名声很坏。据说她曾使许多家庭不和，并曾给安特勒蒙家带来了悲惨的后果。妈妈和她交往相当密切，所以了解她的性格。妈妈无意之中引起了孟顿夫人的某个意中人的注意，虽然妈妈后来既没有去找他也没有接受过他的约请，孟顿夫人却把这作为一种罪名加在妈妈的身上。自此以后，孟顿夫人就使出了种种手段来对付她的对手，但是一次也没有得逞。我来说一件最可笑的例子吧。她们俩和附近的几位绅士一同到野外去了，其中也有我刚才提过的那位先生。某一天，孟顿夫人向这些先生中的一个人说，华伦夫人只会矫揉造作，毫无情趣，衣饰不整，而且象个老板娘似的，总盖着自己的胸部。那位先生喜欢打趣，回答她说：“至于后一点，她有她的理由，据我了解，她的胸上有一块象一个令人讨厌的大老鼠那样的病，真是象极了，而且象是在跑动似的。”恨和爱一样。是容易使人轻信的。孟顿夫人决心要利用这个发现。有一天，妈妈正和孟顿夫人的那位不领情的情人一块玩纸牌，孟顿夫人抓住了这机会跑到妈妈的背后，把她的椅子弄个半倒，巧妙地揭开了她的项巾，但是，那位先生并没有看到大老鼠，却见到了完令不同的情形，想忘掉要比想看到还困难。这是使那位夫人大失所望的一件事。 我并不是一个值得孟顿夫人关心的人物，因为她需要自己身边有一些出名的人士。不过，她对我也多少有点注意，这并不是由于我的容貌——对此她无疑是一点也不放在心上的——而是由于人们认为我所有的那点才华，这点才华对于她的喜好或许有些用处。她对于讽刺有一种相当强烈的爱好。她好用一些歌曲或诗句来讽刺不合她心意的人，如果她真的发现我相当有才可以帮助她写几句美妙的讽刺诗，而且我也十分乐意把它写下来，我们俩可能会把尚贝里闹得天翻地覆的。要是人们追究起这些诽谤文字的作者的时候，孟顿夫人就可以把我牺牲掉，自己完全不负责任，而我则可能被囚禁终生，来领受在贵妇人面前充当才子的教训。 所幸，这些事情一点儿也没有发生。孟顿夫人为了和我谈话留我吃了两三次饭，她发现我不过是个傻瓜。我也感觉到这一点，并为此而自怨自艾，恨自己没有我的朋友汪杜尔的才华；其实，我倒该感谢自己的愚蠢，因为它使我避免了许多危险。我在孟顿夫人跟前只有仍旧做她女儿的音乐教师，但是我在尚贝里的生活却相当平静，一直受到人们的欢迎。这比我在她跟前成为一个才子，而在当地其他人面前成为一个毒蛇，要强得多了。 尽管如此，为了使我摆脱青年时代的危险，妈妈认为已经到了该把我当作成年人来对待的时候了。她立刻这样做了，但她所采取的方式非常奇特，是任何女人在这种情况下也想不出来的。我发觉她的态度比往常严肃了，她的谈话也比平日更有教训气味了。在她素日的教导中经常夹杂的玩笑话突然没有了，换上了十分沉着的口气，既不亲切也不严厉，似乎是在准备要作一番说明。她这种突然的改变，我寻思了好久也清不透其中的原因，于是我就直接向她提了出来，而这正是她所期待的。她向我提议第二天到郊外的小园子里去作一次散步。第二天一清早我们就去了。她事先作好了安排，整天时间只有我们两人在一起，没有任何人来打搅；她用了整整一天的时间来使我能够接受她要给我的恩情，但是她不象别的女人那样用巧计和调情来达到目的，而是用充满感情和良知的谈话。她说的那些话，与其说是对我的诱惑，不如说是对我的开导，刺激感官者少，感动心灵者多。但是，无论她那番既不冰冷也不忧伤的话说得如何出色，如何有益，我都没有以应有的注意去倾听，也没有象从前那样把她的话深深地铭刻在心上。谈话一开始，她那种预作准备的神态已使我精神不安了，因此，在她说话的时候，我不由自主就心不在焉地沉思起来。我并没怎样专心听她所说的话，而只是琢磨她到底想要达到什么目的。我寻思了半天才明白她的用意所在，这对我说来的确是不容易的。我刚一明白她的意思，她这种新奇的主意——自从我和她生活在一起以来，一次也没有这样想过—一就把我完全给吸引住了，再也不容我去想她所说的话。我心里只顾想她了，她说什么我也没有注意听。 为了让年轻人注意听取要对他们说的话，先给他们暗示一下他们非常感兴趣的目标，是教师们常犯的错误，这样做的结果适得其反。我在《爱弥儿》一书中也未能避免这种错误。年轻人都是这样：受到向他们提出的目标吸引以后，他们就专门去想这个目标，就象要飞似地直奔目标而去，不再去听你为了使他们达到这个目标所作的序幕式的谈话了，因为你那种慢条斯理的讲法不合他们的心意。如果要让他们注意听话，就不要让他们事先知道你最终要说什么，这一点妈妈可做得拙笨了。她那种喜欢一切事情都要有系统的奇怪性格，使得她总是耗费心思地来说明她的条件。可是我一看出好处，连什么条件都不听，就急着满口答应了。我不相信世界上会有哪个男人在这种情况下能有讨价还价的直爽的勇气，如果他这样作了，也不会得到哪个女人的原谅。由于同样古怪的天性，她在这种协议上还用了最郑重的手续，给了我八天的考虑期限，而我又故意向她说我不需要这个期限。其实，这更是怪到极点的——我倒是非常乐意有些考虑的日子，她这些新奇想法使我很激动，另一方面我自己的思想也非常混乱，需要一些时间来整理一下。 大家一定会以为这八天对我真象八个世纪之久。恰恰相反，我倒希望这八天真能成为八个世纪。我不知道怎样描写我当时的心境，心里充满了杂有急躁情绪的恐惧，既在渴望又生怕渴望的事情真的来到，以至有时心里真想找个什么妥当办法避开这种已经允诺的幸福。大家可以设想一下我那热情奔放和贪恋异性的气质，燃烧的血液，痴情的心，我的精力，我的强壮的体质，我的年龄。再想想我当时渴望得到女人却还没有接触过任何一个女人的情况，想象、需要、虚荣、好奇，全都交织在一起，使我欲火中烧，急切地要作一个男人，表现为一个男人。加之，大家尤其要想到，因为这是不应忽略的，我对她那种热烈而情致缠绵的依恋不但始终没有冷淡下来，而且一天比一天加深了，我只有在她身旁才感到快乐，只是为了想她才离开她。我这颗心完全被她占据了，不仅是她的恩情和她的可爱性格，乃至她的女性、她的容貌、她的身体，一句话，就是整个的她，不管是哪一方面，凡是可以使我感到她可爱的一切都占据了我的心。虽然她比我大十到十二岁，大家不要以为她年纪大了，或是我觉得她是如此。自从五、六年前我们第一次见面就使我着迷以来，她实际改变得很少，甚至在我看来她丝毫也没有改变。对我说来，她始终是迷人的，而当时大家也都认为她这样。只是她的身体稍稍发胖了。其他方面。完全和过去一样，同样的眼睛，同样的肤色，同样的胸部，同样的容貌，同样美丽的淡黄色头发，同样的快乐活泼，甚至声音也是同样的声音。她青春时代的那种清脆语声，给我留下的印象是那样深刻，直到今天，我每次听到一个少女的悦耳嗓音，还不能不为之动心。 当然，在我等待占有自己非常爱慕的一个女人的期间，我本应害怕的是由于没有足够的力量控制我的欲望和想象，约束不了自己，竟想将时间提前。大家以后会看到，等我年岁稍大的时候，只要一想到有个自己所爱的女人正在等候我，尽管她并不能给我多大的慰藉，我的血液也会立刻沸腾起来，虽然我和她相隔只不过是很短的一段路程，可是要叫我心里坦然地走这段路，也是不可能的。那么，正当我年轻力壮时期，到底是出于什么不可思议的理由，对于青春的初次欢乐，竟如此毫无兴奋之感呢？我为什么在期待那瞬间临近的时候，反而感到痛苦多于快乐呢？我为什么对于本应陶醉的欢乐竟会感到有点反感和恐惧呢？毫无疑问，如果我能够很得体地避开这种幸福的话，我一定心甘情愿放弃这种幸福。我曾经说过，在我对她的爱情中有许多离奇古怪的东西，无疑，这就是一件大家想象不到的古怪事。 已经气愤的读者也许认为，她已经委身于另一个男人，现在她又要在两个人之间平分自己的宠爱，在我的心目中她的身分一定降低了，可能有一种鄙视的心情削弱了我对她的爱慕。读者要这样想那就错了。这种平分的情况的确使我非常痛苦，因为这种敏感很自然，再说，我也确实觉得这种事对她对我都是不体面的；但是，我对她的感情不会因为这种关系而受到丝毫动摇，而且我可以发誓，我对她的爱从来也没有象我不大想占有她的时候那样更为情意绵绵的了。我非常了解她那纯洁的心和冷漠的气质，用不着怎么想也能明白，她之所以献身自荐是和肉欲的快乐没有丝毫关系的。我完全确信，她只是由于想使我摆脱掉那些几乎不可避免的危险，使我能够保全自己和守住本分，才不惜违背了她自己所应遵守的本分。而对于这一点，她的看法和其他女人的看法是有所不同的，这我在下面将要说到。我既怜悯她，也怜悯我自己。我恨不得对她说：“不，妈妈，不必这样，不这样，我也保证不会辜负你的。”但是，我不敢这样说。首先，这是一件不该说的事，其次，说实在的，我感到这也不真实，事实上，只有她一个女人能使我抵挡住其他的女人，使我经得起诱惑。我虽然不想占有她，却很高兴她能使我免去占有其他女人的欲望，因为我把一切能使我和她疏远的事情都看作是一种不幸。 长期同她一起过着天真无邪的共同生活，这个习惯绝没有削弱我对她的感情，而是更加强了这种感情。但同时也扭转了它的方向，可以说这种感情更加亲切、更加温柔了，而性的成分也更加少了。由于张口妈妈闭口妈妈叫得太多了，而且总是以儿子的态度对待她，日久天长，我就真把自己看作她的儿子了。我想这就是我为什么虽然那样爱她，却不怎么想占有她的真正原因。我记得很清楚，我最初对她的感情虽不十分强烈，却是十分淫秽的。在安讷西的时候，我曾处于如醉如痴的状态；到了尚贝里，我却不那样了。我对她的爱可以说要多么强烈就有多么强烈，可是我爱她主要是为了她而不是为了我，至少我在她身边所追求的是幸福而不是享受。她对我来说，胜似姐姐，胜似母亲，胜似朋友，甚至胜似情妇，正因为这样，她才不是我的一个情妇。总之，我太爱她了，不能别有所图，这在我思想里是最清楚的。 与其说渴望不如说是畏惧的那个日子终于来到了。我既然什么都应许了，也就不能说了不算。我的心实践了我的诺言，并不希求报偿。不过，我却得到了报偿。于是，我便第一次投入了一个女人——我所崇拜的一个女人的怀抱。Am I happy?不，我只是得到了肉体上的满足。有一种难以克服的忧伤毒化了它的魅力。我觉得我好象犯下了一桩乱伦罪似的。有两三次，我激动地把她紧紧搂在怀里的时候，我的眼泪浸湿了她的胸脯。她呢，既不显得忧伤，也不显得兴奋，只有温存和平静。因为她根本不是一个喜欢纵欲的女人，没有追求过这方面的满足，所以她既没感到性的快乐，也不为此而懊悔。 我再说一遍，她的一切过失都在于她缺乏判断能力，决不是出自她的情欲。她是上等家庭出身，心地纯洁，她喜欢正派的行为，她的性情是正直和善良的，趣味也相当高雅。她生来就是为了做一个具有完美品德的女人，她也喜欢这样做，但是她没有能遵守这种品德，因为她一向所听从的不是把她引向正路的感情，而是把她引入迷途的理性。当许多错误的道理引她走入迷途的时候，她的正确的感情一直在抵抗。可惜的是，她喜欢炫耀自己的哲学，因而她凭自己的见解所创立的道德原则，往往破坏了她的心灵启示的持身之道。