Chapter 14 Chapter 15 You must find a way to prevent others from seeing who she is

- the feeling of being cheated Interview time: 9:10 AM, January 10, 1998 Interview location: "Beijing Youth Daily·Youth Weekend" office Name: Wen Yu Sex: Male Age: 28 years old Graduated from a vocational school in Beijing and is now a national civil servant. The memories before I know the truth are all very fond - she was wearing a red down jacket with nothing underneath.I just said let her come with me.She turned around and said nothing - men may not take these things to heart, but women are different - some people say that divorce is a relief, but for me, the feeling in my heart... really Uncomfortable—I gave her all our savings, a total of 30,000 yuan, because I think she is more difficult than me—that feeling of being deceived, that is, a person’s heart is caught in the hands and rubbed back and forth Feeling - I don't want to see all the happiness and happiness, and even remember the hatred - pain and hurt can only be experienced by those who have experienced it personally, and such people can communicate and understand each other together

On January 10, 1998, the weather was very bad, and it seemed to be the coldest day in Beijing.At about 9:10 in the morning, I hurried up the steps, when a voice I had been familiar with several times on the phone rang unnaturally: "Is it Anton?" Wenyu has been waiting for me outside the reception room for more than half an hour.He came from Shijingshan early in the morning, much earlier than our agreed time.He was short, with a baby face and glasses that made him look bookish, but younger than the 28 he told me he was.He is a civil servant of a district authority. It's just me and him in the office.Before the meeting, we made several phone calls and explained our basic situation to each other. It is reasonable to say that we no longer need to adapt to each other to enter the interview smoothly.So I set up the interview machine, made him a cup of tea, and waited for him to speak.

Yet he remained silent.His hands were flat on his lap, and his body trembled visibly.I think of him repeatedly asking me on the phone: "Are you like a psychiatrist? I especially hope that my pain can be listened to by someone. I just want someone to talk to." There were sighs in those few phone calls and anxiety.Once, on the afternoon of New Year's Day, I disappointed him with my answer, which he told me in a later call.At that time, I said that I was very busy. I hope he will not just tell me an emotional story that has been repeated many times. I hope he can think and have convincing details. Can't tell the time.I'm telling the truth.Even sometimes, I am afraid of that kind of chat, it is all about my own feelings, I can’t understand the cause and effect of the matter, but the other party stares at me with helpless eyes, even he himself doesn’t know what he needs .Whenever I am in this situation, I feel that I am so helpless, so helpless that I can't face a person who "sorrows my own sadness".

We held each other in silence for about five or six minutes.He let out a deep breath, looked up at me: "I didn't know how to speak for a while, all the things flooded into my mind, I was a little confused. I wanted to give up this meeting, but I really I want to hear what a stranger like you has to say..." Wen Yu always sits in a sitting posture when telling his experiences - with his hands flat on his legs, his body upright, and his eyes lowered, as if his whole body is competing with himself. I don't want to talk about our whole process, because the memory before I know the truth is very good, I don't want to destroy that impression, and for me, every step is a sting.I just want to start from the day I saw them.

I remember the first time I found out they were busy was on a night when I wasn't supposed to be back.That day I drove a Hongye van home from work, around 8:00.At that time we lived in a bungalow in her family, which was a military compound, where her father worked, and she works there now, and she grew up in that yard.Ben said that day that I would not come back... I opened the door and saw the two of them...the lights at that time were four or five watt fluorescent lamps, and they hadn't plugged in the door.The man was sitting on the sofa, she was sitting on the edge of the bed, they were very close.It's embarrassing.I was stunned when I saw that situation. Although they didn't do anything, I really realized it.

Wenyu stopped and took long breaths one after another.He hung his head down, and I thought even his thick black hair radiated depression.He was clearly trying to calm himself, but in vain.His body was shaking more violently than when he just sat down.I heard a very low "I'm sorry". I had a thought at the time: "I'm going." As if I had turned my head, she also stood up.She asked, "Why are you back?" I told him I was driving back to see her.Then she didn't say anything.I walked out, but no one stopped me, and she didn't call me behind.I parked the car outside the yard, and at this point I sat in the car and looked into the yard.They didn't come out.At that time, I loved her very much and didn't want to let her down, and I always trusted her.I'm waiting in the car.After more than an hour, no one came out.I wish she'd come out to see me, if only to have a look, because every time I drive back she asks me to take her out to play...but no.After an unknown amount of time, the man came out and left, but she still didn't come out.It was November or December of 1996, I can't remember exactly.In the winter, it hasn't snowed all winter, that's when I was in the car that night it started snowing, the little slush.At that time, I wanted to leave, but I couldn't, and I didn't understand why.

I sat outside for a long time.It may be because I have been working in the party committee. When encountering this kind of thing, I think I should go to their unit. They are colleagues in the same unit.I don't know how to knock on the door of their unit secretary's house.It was already past 12 o'clock in the middle of the night.Their secretary was taken aback when he heard this, and said that he could trust anyone, but it was impossible for her to be with this boy.In fact, I know that guy, I am quite familiar with him, I help him repair the video recorder, and he often comes to our house, and she said that this is a brother she knows, and I even bought this boy a birthday present for her.I never thought about it elsewhere.Their secretary persuaded me for a long time.At this time the boy called me, I did not return the call. ...and I went back to the car.At that time, I didn't know what I was thinking, but now I know, I still want to wait for her to come out to see me and tell me nothing.In the end, she didn't.Then the boy called me again and I called back and he said he assured me there was nothing wrong with the two of them.I said I always believed him.

After this incident passed, she told me that we were not suitable and wanted a divorce.I loved her very, very much, and I worked really hard just to make her life better.So I thought, is it because I usually neglect this family too much?I told her, give me a little more time, let me adjust and put more emphasis on the position of home.She didn't say anything more.She explained that she had nothing with the boy and I believed her.But it has to be admitted that the shadow just stays. Later, the day before the Spring Festival in 1997 was also a day when I should not go home.At that time, I had classes in the evening, but I always went home in different ways, and I wanted to spend more time with her.And even though I have a car book, there are not many opportunities to actually drive, and my skills are not very good.I finally drove home that day, and I was very happy.At the door of my house, I saw the same light as that day again, and my mind was stunned again...

Wenyu's voice sounded very weak from the tape, mixed with intermittent, uneven breathing.It's a bit like a person talking to himself in a big empty room. I dare not think about it.I don't even wish I was actually standing in front of my house. … I looked at that light and parked outside.Then I went to the boy's house and he wasn't there.My bad premonition is getting stronger and stronger.I went to their unit again, and there was no light in the unit.I know they must be at home. ...but I still told myself that it was impossible. Wen Yu raised his head abruptly, and immediately lowered it quickly.The volume is noticeably higher.

In fact, I was completely deceiving myself at that time, because it was definitely the case, but I was still comforting myself, no, no, really no... Hearing the knock on the door, I was delayed for a while, and the door opened. Saw.I seem to be quite quiet, but in fact, sometimes I have a big temper.I hit her on the mouth... Wenyu stopped again.He slowly closed his eyes.I am waiting.After two or three minutes, he opened his eyes, his face was twitching, and his expression was very painful. I really don't want to recall. ...she hugged me.The boy came over and wanted to explain to me. I picked up a music box that the boy gave her and threw it at her. She hugged me and missed him.The first thing I said was: "You come with me." She was wearing a red down jacket with nothing on.I just said let her come with me.She turned around and said nothing...

Wen Yu finally said "I'm sorry".The tears he had endured several times finally rolled down, and he could hardly cry.I handed him a tissue, and he covered his eyes, and the thin tissue was soaked immediately.Next he grasped his right hand tightly with his left hand, his hand trembling.He said his hands would go numb when he got excited.I calm him down for a moment, and he shakes his head in pain.I changed his chair, heated the water, and did other irrelevant things, but he never said a word.Afterwards, when I was sorting out Wenyu's tapes, I found that I was the only one "performing" in this section. Let's not talk about it... I lost control at the time, and she kept hugging me, and now I think she was afraid that I would really break that man on impulse.By this time there were already people outside. At this time, there happened to be a phone call for me, and Wen Yu could just clear up his thoughts. To be honest, I really don't want to publish all these in the newspapers. She and her family live in this compound, the environment is small, and people will recognize her immediately. She is still working in this place , many people know about it.I can't talk about hating her, maybe I was a little angry, but now I can't say it clearly, anyway, I can't talk about hate.So I'll stop talking about it, because it might be a kind of harm to her to let her see it.Those who are familiar with her will know it is her at a glance. Stop talking, get a divorce.Divorce was not initiated by me.Because I always feel that it is because I care too much about work that I ignore her, which caused today's result. I work in Shijingshan, and my family lives in Haidian. I go to work in the morning before dawn, and the commute takes four hours. It is very hard work, so sometimes I don’t go home and live in Shijingshan.Maybe I really cared too little about her. I have classes on Saturdays and Sundays, so I can't accompany her.So I said, I can't blame her all, she is too lonely. ...I have an insulted feeling.I told her in the past that when we got married, she was the only one who was sorry for me, and she was the only one who was sorry for her without me. Later, she said, this time we are even.I said that there is no such thing as fairness or injustice.I know what she's referring to.When we were eighteen or nineteen, she had an ectopic pregnancy for me and almost died.At that time, I was young, afraid, afraid to face these things, and afraid to take responsibility. I didn't go to see her, and I didn't go to her.She accused me of "staying away" and I did owe her, too much.So I made up my mind to let her live a good and happy life. After this incident, I didn't blame her at all, I still thought that from now on I should change more and take care of my family more.Maybe I had a good idea. We moved back to my parents' house in Shijingshan, which was also our new house back then.I purposely took half a month off to be with her.I do have shortcomings, I can't cook, and I don't take care of people very well.It was after the Spring Festival, and I did all the cooking.I will only do one thing.I remember that she likes to eat mushrooms, garlic moss and tomatoes fried together, I wish I could cook this for her every day.The vacation is over, I go to work again, and I don’t come back until seven or eight in the evening. I still cook this dish for her, no matter how late.We had a good time during this time.But as soon as I got to work, I found that she had changed again.I think I have always been quite tolerant to her, and I can say I understand it, but after all, such a thing happened, and if I pay a little attention to a certain look of her, I can find that her heart is still not with me.I still ask myself to do more.But then she said to me: "Wenyu, put yourself in my place and think about it. I am also a person who wants to save face. After this incident, do I still dare to face you? Whenever I face you, even if you It is very good to me, and I will immediately remember what happened that night. When I think about that night, I don't want to live." With my personality, I will not be unresponsive to this kind of thing.But for that boy, I haven't seen him since that night, let alone said a word or touched him.Why?Just because she hugged me and said she didn't want to see us fight, didn't want to see one of us get hurt.If I really wanted to lose her and divorce her, then I would definitely go to that boy and beat him up. I think even if I beat him up, the Public Security Bureau would not be concerned about this kind of thing. what to do.However, I don't want to lose her.So I did nothing.She said: "With this incident, if you treat me badly, or if you hit me twice, I will feel better. I am afraid that you will treat me well." But from my heart, I don't want to go blame her.Then she said that she wanted to take the self-study college entrance examination and shift her energy to study.She said, "Let's get a divorce." Thinking about it now, men may not keep these things in their hearts, but women are different, especially she is a very, very face-saving person. Wen Yu sat silently.From the moment I opened my mouth, I realized that this is an extremely emotional and sensitive person. He always shows melancholy, and his sentimental sadness is everywhere.As a result, the air in the office became gloomy. I agreed, but this agreement made me and her very sad.She's been telling me this almost every day since she said that one time.I know she really can't go on like this.The reason she went to the court to go through the formalities was because she wanted to be quick. The court's judgment can be concluded within three days, and the agreement is slower.She did everything by herself, including finding a lawyer to write a complaint.Originally, this kind of thing should be a man in his early years, but I really don't want to, and I don't even think about every step.I simply don't understand how things like this should be handled, and I don't want to. ... She went to a lawyer... I remember that after writing the complaint, she said: "Wenyu, I'm sorry. I regarded you as the defendant, and I am the plaintiff." When she came to the door of the court, she begged me: "The court asked us to divorce Don't bring up what happened that night when you ask me why." I agreed to all of them.The reason for the divorce written by the court was the incompatibility of the husband and wife. Wen Yu suddenly laughed coldly. Anyway, just write it like that, she herself said, we have been together since we were in school, and there is no possibility of any emotional disagreement.The court didn't ask anything, and both parties were sentenced to leave if they were willing.And even if the court asks me the real reason, I won't say it. ...That's it, divorced. Wen Yu was tossed and wandered in his memories, and my mood also tightened and relaxed with his ups and downs. When I walked out of the court, I thought this page of my life had been turned so easily. ...Actually, it was March at that time, and it had been a long time since the beginning of spring, but it didn't feel like spring. Let's say it was dark, it didn't seem to be, it was just such an uncomfortable yellow...Some people say that divorce is a kind of relief, but For me, that feeling in my heart... was really uncomfortable, very, very uncomfortable.I always felt like we both shouldn't be like that.She didn't leave on the day of the divorce, but returned to the house where we got married in the first place.The two of them spoke very well.In fact, we were still married that night, she was menstruating, I was very reluctant, and mainly because I was not in the mood at all.But she asked. ... I can't remember, was it that night or the next morning?She told me she regretted it a bit.I was very moved when I heard it.Because the court will not receive the judgment until three days later, I think we should not get a divorce since this is the case.She said nothing more.There were a few things about her that really touched me.One was something she said she regretted.Also, the divorce agreement is one for each person, she doesn't want it, she said: "Let it all be with you." At that time, I had a thought that she would come back.I will leave her the key of my house, who will give the key to a stranger?She left in spring, and she didn't take any of the thick winter clothes.She said: "Maybe I will wait for one or two years or even two or three years. When I feel calm, if you don't dislike me, I will come back." I told her that I would always wait for her to come back.These are the exact words we said.She also promised that she would never go to someone else. She could no longer accommodate so many things in her heart, and she could no longer afford to play this kind of emotional game. She said that even if she remarried, it would be a few years later. In this way, I sent her to her second sister's house the next day.That day her mother and her sister both cried, crying and persuading her not to divorce me.Her family is very kind to me. Although there was that incident back then, they once hated me, but after we really got together, they gradually thought that I was a very responsible person.So after hearing what happened between her and that boy, her parents said to me unanimously: "We are not strict in discipline, I'm sorry." When I saw her mother at her sister's house, I didn't know what to call her, so I didn't call her. Mom looked at me like that...how should I put it?It was a kind of regret and pity, such a complicated look, tears came out of me all at once. Wen Yu clasped his hands together, making a slight noise. Coming out of her sister's house, she said she wanted to walk with me.We went to Tuanjiehu Park.Walking around the park, she kept talking about the past, and I only said some words of wish.I told her to study hard and call me when she needs money.At that time, she was out of work, and because of what happened, she felt that she couldn't stay in the factory any longer.That day I felt that she was also very nostalgic for me.She told me not to come to her, to call her, to give her some time to myself.I agreed.When the property was divided in the divorce, I gave her all our savings, a total of 30,000 yuan, because I thought it was more difficult for her than me. It was easier for her to find a job or study with this money when she was alone. She passed her exam in April.I have been living alone with my parents. When the old man asked me, I said that she was reviewing her homework at her sister's house.I kept it from telling them we were divorced.Every time I say that, I feel awkward.I didn't let my parents know about all the things. On the tenth day of May, my grandfather brought her some herbal poison.She is a very sensible daughter-in-law in our family, and all relatives like her, and I am the only child.My mother asked me to send it to her.I do not know what to do.Her sister called me some time ago.Let me take away the clothes at her house and tell me that she has gone to her uncle's house in Chengde.At the beginning of June, the cherries came down. My mother knew that she liked to eat them, so she bought a lot and asked me to send them to her.To be honest, I miss her too.I packed a lunch box of cherries, put them flat in my schoolbag, and took the train from Beijing Station to Chengde to find her.I was in a very good mood that day on the road, a rare joy, because I could see her soon.I have more than 2,000 yuan with me, which is my savings during that time, and I want to give it to her.I'm even imagining the expression on her face when she sees me, she must be very relaxed, we can roam the palace together... I arrived early in the morning, and it was only 7 o'clock when I arrived at her uncle's house.I was afraid of waking them up too early, so I waited outside until after 8 o'clock before going in.Her uncle was very surprised and said that she hadn't come.I didn't feel very good at the time.I was still sitting outside, on a stone bench, which was icy cold. All her relatives in Chengde said they hadn’t seen her. The coldness rose from under my body to my heart. I thought she might be lying to me.I met her cousin in Chengde, and the little girl called me "the third brother-in-law". I was sad, but I agreed.I don't want her relatives to know that something happened between us, I'm still defending her. I don't know how I returned to Beijing in a daze.I called her sister in a post office. She cried when she heard that I had gone to Chengde. She said, "Our whole family is sorry for you. She stayed with me for less than a week and left. Xi'an, I went with that boy." There was another blank space on the tape.I had to ask Wenyu to drink tea quickly to distract him. At that time, there was only one idea in my mind, to find her.Still with that lunch box of cherries, I took the train to Xi'an again.Maybe I also want to ask her if what she said during the divorce is true.I found the boy's address in Xi'an from Beijing.One day and one night, I drank only one can of beer.The taxi driver looked scared at me like that, and said: "Brother, take a sip of my strong tea here, don't get angry." On the train, I began to put myself in her shoes again, maybe she just wanted to change the environment and relax, no It must be so. When we arrived in Xi'an, it was almost nine o'clock in the evening.On the way to the boy's house, I met them, walking hand in hand, and she was wearing a dress I bought her.At that time, I was sitting on a rickshaw and jumped off, carrying the cherries I brought her.I grabbed her and she hugged me like she did that night.This time the boy was not afraid, because this was his home after all.She said: "Wenyu, I can't go with you, forget about me!" I dragged her all the time, pulled out more than twenty pieces, and sat on a step.When I pulled her, the cherries spilled, and the red cherries rolled all over the ground one by one. The two of us bent down to pick them up together.Red ones, one by one, sprinkled all over the ground... That kind of broken, piece by piece is cracking... It's like my heart is gone bit by bit, heart and thoughts are gone. Wen Yu's voice became a little thinner, and his tears were streaming down his face, and he didn't bother to wipe them away. When we sat down, she said she had no choice but to find this person because there was no place to accommodate her in Beijing.I asked her what she said when she divorced, but she didn't speak.And she said: "We have nothing to do with each other." At this time, the boy's uncle came and advised me to leave. What impressed me most was that he said: "You were not divorced before, you have this right, but now you are divorced. , People don’t want to be with you, so you have no reason to force it.” Now I finally understand that all she said was just a foreshadowing for today.That feeling of being deceived, that feeling of one's heart being grasped and rubbed in one's hands, nothing is real, nothing is worth it.All my hard work over the years has become meaningless at this point.On top of that a piece of my heart was ripped out.I turn around and leave.At that moment, there was nothing in my eyes, and then I heard the sudden sound of brakes and the driver's scolding around me.I don't feel anything, I don't know where I am. I bought a ticket again in a daze, and went back to Beijing.In fact, the most important reason for me to come back is my parents.Because that boy called my parents and said that I had an accident in Xi'an.My father passed out right then.After he got better, he immediately took a taxi to the West Railway Station and prepared to come to Xi'an.It is for the elderly that I have the strength to return to Beijing.I called home at Xi'an Railway Station and asked someone to bring my father back.And I immediately called my dad. She has been with me at the station.She said that she lived in a house with the boy, apart and together, life was very difficult, the boy did not have a job, and she did not earn much.I don't feel anything, and I don't believe anything she says.When we broke up, I didn't move at all, she was no longer the original her, and I didn't know this person at all.It was such a strange feeling. After returning to Beijing, I don't want to do anything.Looking back on all that happened, I almost feel like I don't live in this world.In the first month after I came back, just in time for donations, I only left a few dozen yuan for myself, which I felt was enough to live on.As I told you on the phone, being deceived, hurt, fooled... and facing people who don't know the truth around me, I have to bear it alone.Why?I love her, but the divorce is not my fault! To be honest, I don't want her to be with that boy, they are not suitable, and he can't afford her life.But I remember she said to me in Xi'an: "Wenyu, if I don't go with him, who will I go with? Who will want me?" When I was just divorced, I still had hope, but after returning from Xi'an, I knew what loneliness is.I will give an example.I am terrified of holidays, any holiday, as long as it is a holiday, even Saturdays and Sundays, because then I am alone.I also don't want to see two intimate scenes on TV, and I don't want to see my classmates and friends. I don't want to see all the happy and happy ones, and I even hate them.So after I stabilized, I felt that people like us are very dangerous. Not to mention the heavy psychological burden that we get hurt, and after a long time, we become particularly vengeful.I have.During that time, I even thought about destroying other people's families in the past, being a third party, and letting others have a taste of me.And I also thought about going to a crowded square to set up an explosion. I have thought about all the conspiracy and sabotage.Really, I think it's an extremely restless crowd.We have undertaken too many things by ourselves, what should we do if we cannot bear them?Happiness and joy can be shared with others, but pain and injury can only be experienced by those who have experienced it personally. Only such people can communicate and understand each other together.Maybe that way we can come out faster. Now that I'm sitting here, I seem to have calmed down, but I know I haven't.This shade is very difficult to remove once it is set.So I especially hope that you can organize us one day, or how can we form an association, we help each other, because from my personal experience, I know that this part of the people is an unrest in society factors, but now no one realizes how destructive it is.Moreover, I myself came to this understanding through a painful process. This kind of destructiveness of people can be transformed into an equally constructive one after correct guidance.I really hope you can do this. In the face of Wenyu's eagerness, I am the one who is silent.He's not the first interviewee to ask such a question, and I'm sure he won't be the last.However, I am just an extremely ordinary reporter, and I deeply feel that I am unable to do what I want.It is impossible for me to tell Wenyu that a large number of people like him will almost never become the main part of media attention, because they are an unquestionable "vulnerable group", although they desperately hope or beg for social concern and attention. help.People who have never been hurt will always think that the pain of the injured is abnormal, so I heard someone say: "The people interviewed by Anton are all sick people." It even makes me think that I am a mentally unhealthy person. woman.From being unable to explain to now finally disdaining to explain, I have also gone through a painful process.It is impossible for me to tell Wenyu all this.My tears gathered in my eyes, and my mind was full of grievances.Maybe it's too feminine to have such a feeling during the interview. For me, this is the first time.We looked at each other for a long time, and I told Wenyu, as long as there is a chance, I will stick to what I am doing now, and will continue to do it, as long as there are people who need me to do it. Sometimes, all we need is a pair of listening ears, a pair of sincere eyes and a kind heart.I have always felt that people who have been hurt know how to contribute more than those who have been successful, because they have come out of pain, and they have received help from others, so they understand how to help others. I think we can do more than those who are happy better. I don't know what to say to Wenyu. It is impossible to tell him the difficulty of interviewing, the painstaking writing, and all kinds of ridicule around him.Even over time, I have been enjoying a series of feelings brought about by it, both good and bad, which have made my life and inner world full, so full that there are no words to express it.I changed the subject and asked about his ex-wife's recent situation.Wen Yu was a little sad again. She's married to that boy.She had no choice but to return to her original factory, relying on her father's relationship.Her family has stopped dealing with her, and her family refuses to accept her current husband.Their income is not high, and they live very poorly.She once came to me to ask for her winter clothes, but I didn't give them, maybe I was narrow-minded.I always think that when she was nineteen years old, she had just had an ectopic pregnancy operation, she threw herself into my arms when she saw me, and she followed me wholeheartedly, with only me in her eyes. At that time, I vowed to treat her well for the rest of my life, but Now, I can't do it. My house is still the same as it was when we divorced. The furniture, photos, and handy things have not changed.Maybe one day I will change, but not now. When Wenyu left the newspaper office, he hesitated again and again, and finally left me a pager number.He said: "If my dictation is published, and someone has the same feeling as me and is willing to contact me, you can tell him the pager number. I very much hope that I can help you and others. Happiness comes when you need it." I sent him to the stairs, he seemed to remember something, gave me a deep look, and said: "You must find a way to prevent people from seeing who she is."