Chapter 12 Chapter Thirteen He Didn't Leave Me, He Just Wandered Elsewhere

——The Lonely Child Between Heaven and Earth Interview time: December 26, 1997 at 11:00 AM Interview location: "Beijing Youth Daily · Youth Weekly" office Name: Goddess Gender: Female Age: 28 years old A native of Handan, graduated from a normal school and worked as a Chinese teacher in a primary school in Handan City. Later, he was transferred to a local company as the secretary of the Youth League Committee. He came to Beijing in 1992 and studied at the Conservatory of Music. He dropped out of school and returned to Handan. Now he is an advertising salesman for a company in Beijing.

There is a tacit understanding between us that no one else can achieve.He respects me a lot, even though he is a single man - Ah Jun often spends the night with me, but nothing happens - I feel very holy, he didn't die, he didn't ascend to heaven, I just think he just passed away Open, there will be another reincarnation-I never call him father since then-I am poor, others can bully me, think that I am so humble that I can do anything to survive, but I am not like that-he has Having said that I can only be his lover, even if I say that I like him, what's the point? Although we have feelings, but feelings can't replace a realistic relationship - just like the sky sometimes rains and sometimes it is sunny .The same is true for people, sometimes they memorize words, and sometimes they are lucky.

Before I met Tiannu, there were three times someone else's note appeared on my desk, with her phone number, pager number, and even once wrote something like this: "Please be sure to call Miss Tiannu, she calls more than once a day Looking for you." At that time, I was so busy that I was talking about something in my dreams, and people around me were telling me that I must give myself a few days off.So, I didn't call her until I saw this note. She said on the other end of the phone: "I really want to tell you about my own wandering these years." I don't know if the phone line is also wet this day, and her voice is wet with the breath of water. Come on, that other kind of sentimentality prevented me from saying "we'll see you later" anyway, so we made an appointment.

December 26, 1997 was not a very sunny day, the sky was surprisingly low, and it seemed that people's mood was difficult to lift because of this.Tiannv sat in the office where I was with the smell of a cloudy winter day.The moment she pushed the door open, I was a little dazed. She was tall, with straight hair parted in the middle hugging a thin face from both sides. Her expression and appearance were exactly like the female writer San hair.It's really too similar. After she sat down, her legs were tightly together, and the pointed fingers of her left hand were grasping an old leather handbag that she brought with her.I know she is reserved, and I also know that besides the reasons she said on the phone, such as feeling that I am sympathetic and understanding from my words, which make me feel very comfortable, there is another extremely The important reason made her come to me in the end-we are real strangers who have nothing to do with each other and may never see each other again after today.

I said, "That's a nice name." She smiled and started to relax. "This name was given to me by an old monk in Lama Temple. He first gave me a face-to-face, and then said that my life is such a painting. I am a lonely child in the vast world. But this child has a strong vitality. , because she was conceived by heaven and earth, so no matter how difficult it is, she will live tenaciously." When she said these words, she looked at me, but I felt that her eyes had already passed through my body, my body and my body. The wall behind, the space beyond the wall... falls in a place that no one else can understand.Her empty, far-reaching eyes and her expressionless face actually moved me a little, making me eager to know how she cultivated into what she is now.

She didn't express any apology for being late. Maybe she thought that I should understand the objective reasons such as traffic jams without any explanation at all. At the same time, I should also understand that she almost hesitated to give up when she walked to the door of the newspaper office. Deliberate meeting. I took her to dinner in the restaurant in the basement of the newspaper office.She ate the work meal with green vegetables and tofu so elegantly that it seemed a bit extraordinary in such a noisy place.I guess she must be a person who has some knowledge, at least she has been pampered.

I made her a cup of hot tea, and she wrapped her arms around the cup, chewing and drinking in sips. It was already ten past one o'clock when the conversation started, and the sky outside the window gradually began to reveal some bleak sunlight at some point. I studied in a normal school in Handan City for three years as a technical secondary school. When I graduated, I was already very tall, more than 1.7 meters tall.I met Ah Jun by chance. He is 35 years old.I was 21 years old that year.This person is very short, only around 1.7 meters, with a dark face.We've been in touch a few times and it's pretty bland.At that time, he was the one who asked me out. I didn't have his contact information, and I didn't even know what he was doing.I didn't know anything about him until one day he called and said he was in love with me.His wife died, and his daughter was 10 years old. His wife died of illness after giving birth to his daughter.He said let's try, if I think he is good, we can be friends, if not, we can break up.So we started to "be friends".I found out he was rich.

One day, it happened to rain.I am particularly afraid of rain, because I always feel that when it rains, it means a girl is crying.We sat in his car that day.I asked him what the hell he was doing.He said he was the driver, I don't believe it.Later he finally said that he was the manager of a construction company in Qingdao, and now he was contracted for the project in Handan.It wasn't until he took me to his construction site that I finally figured out his identity. Afterwards, our contact should be said to be smooth sailing. He has many advantages, and there is a tacit understanding between us that no one else can achieve.He respects me very much. Although he is a single man, he has never proposed to live together like those frivolous men who have not known each other for two and a half days.Thinking about it now, this is also the biggest regret in my life.

The goddess’s words stopped here. She lowered her head, as if she was afraid that I would see something, and quickly picked up the water glass on the coffee table. Maybe it was too hard, and some water overflowed and sprinkled on her long blue dress. . At that time I had been teaching in schools, but actually I didn't want to be a teacher.When I was in school, I was our music teacher's favorite student.I always told Ah Jun that if I could go to Beijing to study music one day, I would have nothing to ask for in my life.Ah Jun has heard me sing, and sometimes he would hold my face and say: "If you become a singer, you will definitely become popular. The more he said that, the more restless I became. Later, through his relationship, he transferred me to I joined a construction company in Handan City, and within a few days I became the secretary of the Youth League Committee, but I still wanted to go to school.

Ah Jun is a very well-known rich man in Handan.Word of our relationship quickly spread.When I brought this matter up to my family for the first time, they disagreed.Handan is a very feudal place.People think that their daughter has never been married, and it is enough to find a "second marriage head". My parents feel ashamed and disgraceful if they want to be a stepmother as soon as they enter the house, so Ajun until In the end, the accident only came to my house once, and it was very embarrassing by my father.My father almost exhausted all methods, sometimes he talked with me earnestly, of course he persuaded me to break up with Ah Jun. Later, when he saw that I hadn’t changed at all, he started to beat me on the table, and sometimes he even beat me .While eating, he would suddenly raise his chopsticks and hit me. Another time, if my younger brother didn't stop me, I might have been injured.

In fact, I have also heard many legends about Ah Jun, saying that he has everything, but I don't really believe it.He is very kind to me. This kind of kindness is definitely not about what to eat or how much money we spend together, but a feeling from the heart.I feel very comfortable with him.I never asked him to buy me any clothes.Jewelry and the like, I'm not interested.The only set of clothes he bought for me was white, with a short top and a long skirt, because Ah Jun always liked me to wear white.At that time, the suit was 240 yuan, which was too expensive for me, so I couldn’t ask for it. I tried to evade it several times, because I was afraid that he would think that I liked him because he was rich. The celestial girl's hands were thin and long, resting flat on her legs, pale without a trace of blood, just like her face, which was transparent and pale even in the sun.When she was not speaking, she sat quietly by the side, looking so peaceful and sad. It was the spring of 1992. Through Ah Jun’s younger brother who was studying oil painting in Beijing, he took me to Beijing to apply for the Conservatory of Music.My music feels so good that my teachers are surprised. As long as I think of a melody and hum it, I never have to try it on the piano. Until now, I still compose music in my head, and even once made a living from it.Ah Jun asked me to take the Composition Department, but he didn't want me to study vocal music and eventually enter a song and dance troupe. He was afraid that I wouldn't marry him. In her memories, Tiannv often smiles or expresses uncontrollable sadness.I know she has come into her own.This is what I hoped most during the interview process, because only in this way can the interviewees truly present the complete truth unsuspectingly, and even they will re-experience everything that happened in the process and re-experience what happened at that time. Those feelings, and through this experience to achieve the most appropriate and full expression.This is what I wish for.But, I don’t know why, I always have a premonition that what the goddess may say will be a life and death, and it will be the most basic reason why she may end her life at any time in her life, so I warn in my heart over and over again I must let this extremely emotional girl in front of me extricate myself from the memory at the right time.To be exact, I couldn't bear to see everything that had happened from her pain.But she just kept talking to him. To be precise, in May 1994, when I was still in the Conservatory of Music, he had projects in Tanggu and Beijing, and someone was in charge of each, and he ran back and forth between these three places.Sometimes I live in school, and sometimes I live in a rented house outside.Ah Jun gave me 1,000 yuan a month, including rent and various miscellaneous expenses.I am not the kind of girl with particularly big hands, many things are dispensable to me.Moreover, I want to marry him and treat him as my own. I think the money saved belongs to the two of us. She parted her long hair and looked at me, smiled slightly, and continued. I feel very sorry for him, and I don't want him to work so hard to make money.Sometimes he came to see me from Tanggu, he looked very tired when he got off the car, and I felt very distressed.The money he gave me is more than enough every month. Following Ah Jun, I feel that the whole person has changed. From a fashionable girl to a budget-conscious girl who saves everywhere and buys the cheapest nutritional cream, I think this can be regarded as I did my best for him.I once bought him a shirt with the money saved in this way, and he was very moved.I don't know why, as long as I give him a little return, he will be moved. When we were in Beijing, Ah Jun often stayed overnight with me, but nothing happened.Sometimes watching him fall asleep while sitting on a chair from exhaustion, I would secretly shed tears.I really want to get married, Ah Jun is also waiting for that day, he said that we can do whatever we want when that day comes.From these small places, I can always feel that he is cherishing me. Ah Jun said that he will do it as soon as his work in Shanghai is over.On November 15th of that year, probably on this day, he went to Shanghai.Maybe it's just that God doesn't let me do what I want.He didn't fly or take the train that day, but drove there with two drivers.He called me in Shanghai and said that he would go back to Tanggu to deal with some matters first, and then he would come to Beijing to find me that night.I sat in that small room and waited, waiting for nothing to come. I waited for several days.In the end, his younger brother came and took me to Qingdao. His brother told me nothing along the way.When he arrived in Qingdao, he said that his brother was in the hospital.When I rushed to the hospital, a big white sheet covered his whole body, and the doctor opened it up for me to see bit by bit.He was in a car accident when he was returning to Tanggu from Shanghai. One driver died on the spot, and the other was disabled for life. Ah Jun died after being sent to the hospital for rescue for two hours.His entire skeleton was smashed apart.The doctor showed him after he was set up and facelifted, and he looked calm.I don't howl and cry like other girls. When I cry, I turn away and don't want men to see me cry.So when I saw it, I didn't have a tear, and I was completely numb, and my head was cut to the ground, and I didn't know anything.When I woke up, I was lying on the bed in the emergency room, and his brother was beside me.I woke up and went to see him again. His brother put his arms around me and said, "If you want to cry, you can cry. I can't cry. I'm still calm when I go to see him again. I can't believe it. You said it so well." If you still want to see me, why would you die? I was probably very calm at the time, but in fact, the so-called calm is more numb. I stood in the morgue for half an hour, and I didn’t realize this person until his brother pulled me away. I really died. At this time, my tears flowed down, without a sound, just like that. I remembered many things at once. The first time I went to Qingdao, he led me to play... The celestial girl turned her head towards the door, with her back to me, and I wondered if she was crying.And her voice was clearly choked up.I waited quietly for her to turn around again.There was a faint pain in my heart, and I almost wanted to stop her heart-wrenching memory.When she faced me again, she didn't pick up what she had just said. His body was cremated and that was the day I lost my temper and cried the most in my life.I still can't believe this guy is gone so soon.His younger brother and daughter-in-law grabbed me tightly, but I was like crazy. Several people couldn't stop me. I cried and cried and my body fell, and then passed out. I remember clearly three times. so.At that time, Qingdao allowed sea burials, and Ah Jun's ashes were sprinkled into the sea. The goddess was silent, and I asked her if she could bear such memories, and she nodded. At 4 o'clock that morning, the sea was very calm. The ferry we rented was followed by a group of boats with candles...the kind of boats made of paper, and his ashes were placed on the boats bit by bit. The boat will sink into the sea when it gets wet, taking his ashes with it.There are also some very broken petals, yellow and red, sprinkled on the sea... At that time, I felt very holy. He didn't die, nor did he ascend to heaven. I just felt that he just walked away from the world and was reborn again. ...He didn't leave me, he just went for a walk elsewhere, and he would come back... At dawn, I went to the trestle alone... There were seagulls, but there were very few people.At that time, I suddenly had a thought that if I died in a few years, half of my ashes would stay in Handan, and the other half would be scattered back to Qingdao.And I think Ah Jun should have been my lover, even though he is gone, after all, I loved him with all my heart, and he treated me the same way... until the end, I was not his person...so for me , This is a lifetime regret.If we live together, or he will be fine?Even without him, at least he will leave one of his children, even if it is an illegitimate child, who may look like him, which is at least a support for me to live in the future, or... But he never got me body of.And I have had many, many willful times. Sometimes when he came late, I would get angry with him and insisted on coaxing him; I have to ask him to get up and make it clear... Only then did I realize that I had done a lot of mistakes, but it was too late... So standing on the trestle bridge, I prayed, if God really gave people a chance to reincarnate, I hope Ah Jun can turn into a seagull immediately, and I will come to Zhanqiao to see him every year in the future... Tiannv finally couldn't continue talking intermittently like this, and it was the first time since I had such an interview that I shed tears because of a person's narration.We all turned our heads away from each other.It's been a long time.The interview machine idling blindly, leaving a large blank space with only background noise. On the day I left Qingdao, I took the night bus.As soon as I passed the ticket gate, I knew I would never come to Qingdao again, for sure.When the train started, I looked at everything I was familiar with at Qingdao Station. After a few small stations, I was still looking out, and I couldn't stop crying along the way. When I returned to Handan, I almost didn't even have the courage to live.At that time, my father smoked Hongtashan cigarettes, and I smoked whole packs, four or five packs a day, just to make myself so numb that I couldn’t think of anything.Finally one day, I felt that I could no longer hold on, and there was no point in living anymore.I put a very sharp electrician's knife on my wrist, it's cool, I think there will be no more pain from now on, I will meet Ah Jun, and have a real couple with him in another world... In the end, I didn't die become.Just when my father opened the door and came in, he snatched the knife away. I tried my best to snatch it from him, and cut a deep gash in the palm of his hand.I hate my father, I think everything is caused by him, if he agreed to my marriage in 1994, we would not be where we are today.I scolded him and told him to go, but he still took the knife away.He is not a vicious person, he is very kind, but at that time I tortured my father in the same way I tortured myself.I knew it would be very hard for him, and I never called him daddy after that.I said just treat it as if I were dead.It has been like this for so many years. More than a month after I returned to Handan, the Conservatory of Music found me, but I couldn't make up my mind.People are gone, for whom should I learn?At that time I always cried myself to sleep. Maybe it was because of Ah Jun that I came to Beijing again.At this time, I have nothing.I still can't forget him.So sometimes I went to Haidian Garden alone, and Ah Jun also had a project there, and I went to the construction site with him, wearing a hard hat, but the project was still going on, and Ah Jun was no longer doing it.Without him, I really have nothing! The celestial girl looked at me with an expression that should never appear in this mood—it contained a passionate and incomprehensible loss, as if a child who was suddenly helpless instinctively turned around to find the inherent leaning on.Even, she sighed. In Beijing, I encountered countless things, which may be the training of my ultimate self-reliance.I have done everything.I worked as a shopping guide in Shangri-La. I only worked for three or four days and earned more than 400 yuan. Maybe my performance is not bad. Laugh, but embarrassingly.I think she has changed from a little bird with no worries about food and clothing to a foreign girl who has to earn her own food and rent every day. She must have a lot of discomforts in life, especially in psychology.When I asked this, her smile became more awkward, and she was a little helpless. After that, I worked everywhere and wrote songs for some bands. After all, I was still from a conservatory. Once, a song that came up with a melody on the bus was sold for 900 yuan. At that time, selling songs was my main job. the source of life.An audiovisual publishing house in Dalian once wanted to release an album for me, but I couldn't afford the 30,000 yuan deposit, so I gave up.At that time, my place of residence was not fixed, and the houses I could afford were not good, and I could not afford to rent good houses.At first I lived in a shed in Ganjiakou.It rained at night, and the rainwater hit the dark roof of the shed with a pattering sound. I just thought about it all night when Ah Jun was here, and we spent almost every rainy night together.I wrote a song that night and sold it to a band, and it was the best thing I ever wrote.I remember it was November 4, 1995. In Beijing, I had a series of emotional encounters and met all kinds of people.For a while I worked as a secretary in the Beijing office of a quilt factory in Yantai.I only worked 15 days and didn't get paid a cent.On the first day of work, the boss took me to Xinqiao Clothing World in Chongwenmen to buy more than 1,000 yuan of clothes, saying they were work clothes for me.I still remember his name to this day.One night he suddenly said that he would take me to his residence. I didn't want to go, but I didn't dare to refuse for this job.As a result, he said he wanted me to live here, and of course I knew what that meant.I don't agree.He probably knew that I was alone in Beijing and needed money very much, so he gave me 3,000 yuan.He said that as long as I follow him, everything will be there.I remember very clearly that he took all his clothes off and waited for me.In fact, I really needed money, but I didn't do anything.Especially after he took off his clothes, I think his fat and ugly figure is disgusting to me, and he is not as strong as a man.I took out the money he stuffed in my bag, said that I would not work in his company again, then turned around and left.It was very late, and I was standing alone at the station waiting for the bus. The feeling in my heart was an indescribable grievance.I feel that just because I don't have Ah Jun and I'm poor, others can bully me and think that I'm so humble that I can do anything to survive, but I'm not like that. The heavenly girl's eyes were full of anticipation.I think maybe she will unconsciously reveal the same thing in front of many people. She hopes that all people will not guess her way of life because of her poverty and beauty. She hopes that others will know how she faces temptation and how to hold on. A woman's innocence that some of the people in her situation don't care about at all.Many people have warned me not to trust a stranger's self-confession, but every time I believe my interviewees are telling the truth, because they believe me completely, and I am also a stranger to them .I believe that there is one thing that cannot be faked, and that is the most basic principle or ethics of being a human being. Later I joined a textile company and worked as a secretary.There, I met the second man in my life who was the manager of that company.He is as old as Ah Jun. If Ah Jun is alive, he should be 40 years old this year. He was short, fat, and very average-looking.But this man works very hard.I found him to be a wonderful person and very peaceful to be with him.And what's strange is that he is very similar to Ah Jun, and almost all the advantages of Ah Jun can be found in him.Not long after, one day he invited me to Huabei Hotel for dinner, and his face was very ugly.He suddenly grabbed my hand, I was startled, I have never made such a sudden movement with Ah Jun for so long, and I have worked outside for so long and traveled so many places, what I am most afraid of is That's the kind of thing.He told me that his wife saw a letter he secretly wrote to me the day before. He called me "Little Heavenly Girl" and he liked me very much. Put 300 yuan in the envelope.He and his wife quarreled violently over this matter.I told him right then and there that I never thought otherwise of him.He wants me to be his lover.I was really contradictory, and I told him that being a man's lover is a very shameful thing for me. A lover is like a soap bubble, which can never rise very high, and it will burst after a few jumps. Want to get married because I love children very much, and as his lover I will never have children of my own, nothing will come of it.He asked me if I liked him, I didn't answer.Because I know that I actually like him, but I can’t answer such a question. On the one hand, it’s because of my self-esteem. On the other hand, he has already said that I can only be his lover. Even if I say that I like him, what’s the point? meaning? After that, we still had a lot of contact, but nothing excessive.Our conversation has been very harmonious, the more I do this, the more regretful I am, because I think I met him too late, but in fact I am already getting deeper and deeper. If I met him earlier, I would marry him. His, and because of Ah Jun, I already know how to love a man, and I will be a good wife.He told me not to regard myself as his lover, "Can't you just pretend that I'm not married? If one day you have a boyfriend you love, you can leave me, but is it not good for us to be like this now? "Hearing what he said, my heart was very sad. I even thought, why is fate so unfair, why am I always destined not to get the person I really like? He is the second man who kissed me in my life, It made me very intoxicated, maybe I did grow up.It was a big turning point in our relationship and we've been very close since then. The goddess was silent again.Many times I can guess what the interviewees are thinking from the intermissions in their conversations, and every time they re-open their mouths, it will confirm that my guess is basically correct.But for her, I can't grasp what she will tell me next, just as she herself said, she can't predict what she will encounter in her "wandering".The uncertainty and abruptness of her experience made it difficult for our conversation to flow smoothly in the usual sense. Later, I went to Dalian once, and the situation changed after I came back.I found him in a bad mood when I came back.He said that he has always been contradictory. On the one hand, he loves his wife very much, on the other hand, he is reluctant to part with me.He said it would be great if China would allow men to marry two women.I had a hunch we were almost done.I am full of regrets like I was with Ah Jun back then, and I know that if I want to integrate with him at this time, I will be willing.During that time, his health was very bad, so I told him that we had to break up, because this was already very sorry for his wife, and we knew that there would be no result between the two of us.It's hard for him, and it's hard for me every day. Although we have the opportunity to be together, when it comes to Chinese New Year and holidays, he has to go home to reunite with his wife and children. What am I alone?Although we have feelings, but feelings can not replace a reality together ah!I can never have this person. During this time an incident occurred which made us finally make up our minds.He was particularly sad when his father, who was in his 70s, died of uremia.After dealing with the incident, he told me that he no longer has a father, so he will do his best to treat his father-in-law well.As soon as I heard it, I understood that this was breaking up with me.We had coffee at the Garden Hotel that day.The two of them had nothing to say, and neither of them knew what to say.When I was about to leave, I suddenly made a decision that I would give myself to him.I said, "You go and get a room, we'll spend the last night together." He went.There was a song playing on the TV in that room, "Longing for You", which I am very familiar with, just like my mood at that time.I think I was very holy at the time, and I was willing to do it.I asked him: "I tell you I'm still a girl, do you believe me?" He shook his head.I said: "Then you can prove it." We didn't say anything, we went to take a shower, and when I walked out of the bathroom, he was already on the bed.I turned off the light.I said I don't want to see a man's body.He hugged me and kissed me, I felt like crying and closed my eyes tightly.But he just hugged me, kissed me, and did nothing else.He said he couldn't afford it, no matter what, he couldn't afford my dedication.At that time, I was very sad, lying on the bed, my tears could not stop flowing. The goddess stopped and took a sip of water, apparently unwilling to continue talking. We sat for a long time, I told him about Ah Jun for the first time, about my feelings for him, I said I don’t care if he has a wife and son, if one day it is possible for me to marry him legitimately, I will do my best A good wife, but I was destined not to have that kind of day. Afterwards, we each got dressed and left the hotel.I also left his company, I'm not avoiding sexual issues with you, it's over between us here. The celestial girl's expression told me that I couldn't ask any more questions, and it was impossible for her to say any more about this passage.After all, this person is not her Ajun. This summer, I got my current boyfriend. He is a Canadian Chinese. He doesn't speak Chinese very well. We speak Chinese and English alternately when we are together.He went to Canada as a child.He is very handsome, but he has been back to China for nearly a year, doing nothing, and living on the money sent by his parents.Whenever I went to see him, he was always lying on the bed with his hair messed up like a chicken coop.I always felt helpless when I was with him, but he was really good to me.If I were to analyze our relationship now, I might think it was a mistake.But let me draw a full stop here, I can't bear it.On the one hand, I am afraid of hurting him, on the other hand, my first time belongs to him.You know I've always been reluctant to see a man's body, how can I say it?If I haven’t seen it, I can still accept some of his caresses, and I think it’s very beautiful, but once I see it, I will feel very uncomfortable, and all the words and actions can no longer arouse my interest.It was the same for both of us the first time.At that time, the bed was covered with a white sheet, and there were spots of blood on it after it was done, so he knew it was the first time for me.I can't tell what it's like, regret or something, I don't know.I lay there with my eyes closed and told him about Ah Jun, my first love. I told him that since then I have not been a healthy girl, at least psychologically.Ah Jun's death made me understand a lot. I used to be a spoiled girl who didn't know how to reciprocate, but now if there is someone who really loves me and loves me, I will definitely treat him well.These words are not only for him, but also for myself.Then he fell asleep, and slept very well.I got up and sat on the sidelines watching him, and at the time I decided that this person would not be my husband.Although he can take me abroad, my ideal of marriage is not like this. I just want to find a man who loves and is loved by me like Ah Jun, and live an ordinary life.I said break up, every time he was very sentimental.With that kind of relationship, the more he treats me well, the more I can't bear to speak.Some people say that a girl will persevere when she gets her first man, but I really don't love him much.I could go months without seeing him, and I hope some other girl breaks in, lives with him, whatever, and then I have a reason to leave him.I don't even want his number on my pager.My boyfriend has always said that I am an emotional person, and he is also a very responsible man. We haven't really broken up until now, probably because of these.However, I don't think that's what I need. At that time, I was already working in my current unit, and my income was not bad, not too much, but I was able to support myself quite comfortably.Sometimes when I walk on the street, I suddenly feel that I am quite boring. I just dangle like this every day. When I go home, I see those little girls with their boyfriends, their faces are happy, and there is a feeling of happiness. If I protect her well, I will think of Ah Jun. If he is still there, I will be happier than anyone else.I even had suicidal thoughts all the time. Tiannv's face darkened. She said that a friend persuaded her and she accepted it, but this did not mean that she believed that her life was full of hope from then on. Because my grandfather passed away, I went back to Handan once.That was the second time I saw a dead person after Ah Jun.I confirmed once again that there is no one who loves me in my life.When I left Handan and went back to Beijing, my mother sent me off.But because of Ajun's matter, my family and I have always been at odds. At that time, my grandfather was the only one who could listen to me. Now the last one has gone. Who will I go to when I return to Handan?That day my mother knew I was sad, she held me in her arms for the first time, in summer, she was wearing very thin clothes, I could smell her breath, a very warm and kind breath, I suddenly felt that I was Then need and be attached to this breath from the mother.My mother is getting older, and it is impossible for me to tell her about my loneliness in Beijing, or about my psychological difficulties and hardships these years.I was never good at communicating with my mother, and I never acted like a baby. I didn't say anything, but just breathed in her breath that made me want to cry without tears.At this time, I understood that there is one thing in the world that cannot be cut off, and that is blood.It was at this time that I gave up the idea of ​​suicide, because all parents would think why their children are so desperate, and they would blame themselves for not giving their children enough care and love. Half my life, I couldn't let my mother be like that.所以我要求我自己必须活得坚强，就像小时候打针，当时是很疼的，但是忍住了也就会过去，所以我活得再怎么累、再怎么难，也不会再动自杀的念头。我觉得就像天有时候下雨、有时候晴朗，人也是这样，有时候走背字，有时候也会很幸运。所以每个人都应该好好地珍惜自己。 这时，天女的面容恢复了宁静和晴朗。 回到北京我还是要和我的男朋友面对面。照理说刚刚失去了一个亲人，我应该很依赖他，但是我没有这种感觉。和他见过之后我一个人骑自行车回家，昏暗的灯光里只有我一个人的影子，我觉得我实在是太孤单了，假如有一个心爱的人和我在一起就不会这样，然而我没有。周围的人说能找到一个喜欢自己的人就足够了，而且这个社会的大多数女孩子也都悟到了这一点，但是我还是在坚持，这个人也必须是我爱的，否则不行。 到这里，天女说她的故事就算讲完了，她说我可以随便给她提问题。于是我把憋了几个小时的问题提出来："阿君是不是变成了你心中一个不能超越的纪念碑？"她笑了，这是我们见面以来她第一次笑得十分灿烂。 如果我再找男朋友，我希望他像阿君那样体贴我，不管他有钱还是没钱，我就想找到那样的一种甘心情愿的感觉，而且我特别希望他也姓我现在的姓，因为这个字就来自阿君。这样我将来的孩子就会姓这个姓，他会让我永远想着阿君。 天女用一种在她这样经历的女孩子中难得见到的清澈目光注视我，我就又一次证明了约见她是一件多么明智的事情，她几乎在用她的叙述改变着我的一种固有的、甚至带些轻蔑的观念——和她处境类似、条件相仿的女孩从来都是把婚姻当成改变生存状态的最佳阶梯。 我忽然想到，假如她的阿君没有去世，假如她们顺理成章地结合，那么她现在恐怕是另一个样子——有钱又有闲的太太、一个儿子的母亲、一个十几岁女儿的后妈、一个生意场上的夫人……她不会有今天的见地，也不会有被岁月打磨出来的精彩。我这样说了，她再一次笑得无比灿烂："的确是这样的。所以我的心里全是感激。" 我打车送天女到她存自行车的地方，她飞快他说"再见"之后飞快地走过马路。我看着她的背影，瘦削、颀长。我猜想不出她今后还会有什么样的境遇，但是我真心地为她祝福。 appendix: 按照正常的程序，在我依据录音带整理成文并发表之前，我请每一位受访者提供一份书面的意见，表示他们同意我这样做，我认为这是出于尊重我的受访者同时也尊重我的劳动与真诚。非常令人欣慰的是，每一个受访者——也可以说是每一个通过这样的方式与我相识相知并成为朋友的人——都给予了极大的支持和帮助。对天女，我也采取了相同的方式。 1998年3月4日晚上，天女两次打电话到我家，她说她在此之前去了加拿大，之后又回了一趟邯郸。她的声音很不开心。她说在加拿大，她曾经找到专业的心理医生，医生告诉她，阿君一直在影响着她的选择或者说爱情生活，而她所相信的一切并不像她认为的那么美好。她说她始终不肯向没有爱情、只有利益的婚姻妥协，而这种不妥协使她的内心极不快乐。她和那个加拿大籍的男朋友已经分手了。她说："我不愿意把婚姻当成改变自身处境的跳板，但是假如婚姻真的有可能成为一种跳板，那么我就希望这个跳板能让我跳向快乐。"她在电话里一遍又一遍叫我"安顿姐姐"，她说如果对她的采访会引起反响，希望我能把那些想找到她的人介绍给她，"只要他们说一声是安顿介绍来的就行。"她的称呼使我时时有一种揪心的感觉。甚至，她说："安顿姐姐，对你讲过的话我从来没有对别人说过，没有人知道，活泼的天女其实活得很累很不快乐。也许有一天我真的会选择死。"那个晚上我劝了她很久。夜深人静中只有我的话在屋子里突兀地响着："因为你的不妥协和纯情，使我认为你是一个活得非常明白非常有原则的女孩子，而这样的女孩子越来越少，这样的女孩子应该活得顽强，就像你给我讲过你现在这个名字。我不希望呼你的时候没有回应，我不能想象有一天再也找不到那个美丽、勇敢的朋友。你的所有的朋友和亲人都会这么想，所以请你爱惜自己，那样就是你在珍惜大家的友情和亲情。而且，阿君也会希望你幸福地活着……"那个晚上我不知道是怎样挂断电话的。我几乎彻夜不眠，因为天女说过，她第二天下午4点钟就要离开北京到大连，我知道她有足够的能力照顾自己，但是我真的为她的心态担忧。 3月5日上午大约10点钟的时候，我在办公室又接到了天女的电话，她说她不能给我写"同意根据录音带整理成文并发表"这样的文字，阿君的弟弟现在就在北京，他告诉她不能相信记者，因为"记者就是千方百计要拿你的故事"，而且文中提到的那个最终没有成为她的情人(或者她自己最终没有成为那个男人的情人)的男人会来"找她算帐"。我想我当时的态度是有些激烈的，我无法认同关于记者的那种说法。"口述实录"的原则是自愿和相互信任，而她正是基于这一点才会"不止一次地打电话"。发表与不发表原本也是自愿的事情，而我征求意见的目的恰恰是因为深恐有违我的那些令人同情也令人敬重、深思熟虑之后才终于不再三缄其口的受访者们的意愿。于是我告诉她，我可以不发表她的采访录，但是她不能因此而怀疑我作为一个记者的职业良心。 3月16日，我收到了天女寄自火车站的信： 安顿姐姐： 真对不起，这么晚给你签字，我太忙了，真的一点点跑到邮局的空都没有。这张纸和笔是我在北京站口的建内大街邮局要的，匆匆两笔，请你不要介意。我同意你按录音带整理成文章发表，但是请别用我的真名，书中的人请您都不要用真名。放下笔，我就走了。我本是阳光里飘荡的蒲公英…… 天女 98.3.6于北京站口 收到她的信后我重新听她的录音带。在她的讲述之中，那个相貌和心境都酷似三毛的高个女孩恍如在我的眼前。