Chapter 11 Chapter Twelve Sometimes Death Will Be a Relief

——Life is a slow knife that hurts Interview time: December 12, 1997 at 9:00 AM Interview location: (Beijing Youth Daily·Youth Weekend) office Name: Zuo Qiu Gender: Female Age: 35 years old A native of the Northeast, with a college degree, once worked as a teacher in a school in Harbin, and was transferred to Beijing after marriage to do financial work in a company. Before I became a Beijinger, I was very envious of Beijingers—how many times I saw a similar figure on the street, and I had to go to have a look, and it was not him—my kind of marriage is different from free love, It's a stereotyped thing - I've been living with a contradiction - I have a sad feeling that a knife doesn't kill you all at once, it slowly makes you sick - I I didn't want to leave him, he beat me black and blue, and I also planned to divorce him - there was another reason why I didn't want to divorce, who can guarantee that if I find another person, I will be able to live well?Maybe it's not as good as this-I don't know if all men are like this, and they regard many things as needs-for a person like me who values ​​​​emotions, it can only be a kind of injury, finding a lover and making love There is no place to talk about the suffering of a lover

At 9:00 am on December 12, 1997, I waited for Zuo Qiu in the office as agreed.But she didn't show up for a long time. When she called her unit, a very impatient male voice said "not in" and hung up immediately.I thought maybe she had changed her mind. At about 10 o'clock, a small voice sounded from behind me: "Are you Anton?" A short, slightly fat woman with a flushed face came in and stood by the door.She said she was Zuo Qiu.She was not what I had imagined, and from the voice on the phone, I figured she must be thin and pale, because that voice was so weak and depressed over the phone line.The face of Zuo Qiu in front of her didn't have any marks left by her unhappy married life. She was really very ordinary, and she didn't have the slightest personality traits from her appearance.Her red down jacket, white wool sweater, straight hair combed into a ponytail and eyebrows drawn into thin willow leaves are no different from any mother of a 7-year-old walking on the streets of Beijing.

She said she was very sorry for being late.I said the traffic is bad, anyway, I have to read some manuscripts, so it doesn't matter if I wait a while.She smiled embarrassingly: "Actually, I have been hesitating. Just this morning, I was still thinking, why don't I go... When I walked to the door of the newspaper office, I still thought about going back. But tell you Well...and I do want to talk to someone." We started talking in an empty office.Different from every conversation with the interviewee, Zuo Qiu has a very obvious design for her narration, she is very measured in what she says and what she doesn't say.During the two times, when she was about to leave, she was stopped by my questions and hints that seemed to be chasing after me, starting a new topic or a new stage in her life.Therefore, Zuo Qiu's "Oral Record" became the first interview recorded in serial form, and I used a general title called "Three Moments in a Woman's Life".

In fact, Zuo Qiu's original intention was to describe her "first moment". I am now doing financial work in a company in the military. I am 35 years old.My current job and family are pretty good, but I always have the feeling that my relatives and friends are not around, especially during the holidays, I feel lonely.There are tens of thousands of people in such a big city, but there are very few people who can tell you what's on your mind.What's more, in today's commodity economy environment, people don't trust this way of communication, so I feel more lonely.I have very few close friends, so I miss some friends from the past.I have been in Beijing for almost 10 years, and I really want to find two people. I know they are in Beijing, but I can't get in touch.I just came to see if I could write something, and if they saw it, they might get in touch with me.Both of these people are very special.

In fact, Zuo Qiu didn't explain the situation of the second person until the end of our conversation. It was a girl named Zhang who had given her a beautiful notebook.It can also be guessed from this point that what she hopes to find first is the first person she mentioned. I met this person in Harbin. He is from Beijing and is studying for a second degree at Harbin Institute of Technology.At that time, he said that the unit he belonged to was the Ministry of Aeronautics and Space, which was a secret unit at the time.So when we broke up later, he didn't tell me his detailed work unit, and I also received a letter from him that didn't mention the work unit.In this way, after I came to Beijing, I asked all the people related to the Ministry of Aeronautics and Space, and others said that they did not know such a person.Now the level of secrecy of many things is not as strict as before, and many secrets in the past are no longer secrets. I still can't find out about this person.

I know this guy is still dramatic. After the National Day of 1985, I studied in Harbin Normal University.It was a Sunday, and it was already cold. I went to Harbin to buy electric mattresses.At that time, I was not very used to the school environment, and I was not familiar with the surroundings. I went to the street alone.After I finished shopping, I came out of Qiulin Company and walked to Nangang (Zuo Qiu pronounced this word as: bar.) When I walked to the stadium, I saw many people watching the excitement.I was also curious. I saw a girl sitting on the ground, her head was bleeding, her trousers were torn open, and there were some broken cans on the ground.The first feeling is that there is a fight here.At that time, I didn't know why I had that kind of compassion. I felt that it was pitiful for a girl to be beaten like this.I just went over and said, I can take her home.When I wanted to help her up, I realized that she was bigger than me. I felt very difficult, so I said to the people around me, "Who can help?" Later, this young man stood up and helped me lift her up. After getting up, we sent her to the outpatient department of the provincial hospital and saw the emergency department. I remember that the doctor had a very bad attitude, thinking it was a family dispute, and said, "Why send her to the hospital after the beating".Then her boyfriend came and asked us to testify.I said I didn't see the fight, I can't testify.The young man also agreed to testify.The girl's boyfriend blamed us a little bit, saying that we were afraid of being retaliated.I felt at the time that, in good conscience, I couldn't testify if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes.In the end, we helped others, but we lost all our lives.

We left together, chatting as we walked.As soon as I heard him speak, I knew he was from Beijing.Before I became a Beijinger, I was very envious of Beijingers. I told him that my brother and sister-in-law are also in Beijing, and I have also been to Beijing.We gave each other addresses, and I think that's the end of it.A week later I received a letter.He wrote it.He said that he also walked there by accident, and he said, "If you hadn't stood up, I might have stood by." "It is indeed your kindness that infected me."At that time, he wrote the word "sleeve" as "God", which may be a typo, so I described it to him in the letter.

Zuo Qiu's voice sounded very weak, and this feeling was especially strong when I listened to the tape later.There is a faint fascination in her eyes, which makes the whole face look extraordinarily shiny.I think that no matter how mediocre a woman is, she is somewhat beautiful when she recalls her youth.I asked: "Is he your first love?" She narrowed her eyes, her eyes became a little hazy, and then nodded. I wrote him back out of courtesy.I also pointed out that typo to him, saying that I am a teacher and I am very sensitive to this typo.The first time we met later was when Harbin held a speech contest, and there were a lot of speeches at that time.I remember that one of the hot topics at the time was about Bo Yang.At that time, there was Xuefu Road in Harbin, just like Xuefu Road in Beijing.I ran into him at a debate arena.He said a word at that time: "This earth looks big, but it is actually very small. Here we meet again."

We both graduated in 1987. At that time, we had a little conflict, and neither of us left an address.I feel very guilty these years, and if I find him, it will be a good friend.At that time, he told me that his family lived in a compound of the Air Force. After I arrived in Beijing, I couldn’t find him, and it was difficult to get into that compound.And it has been ten years, everyone has changed a lot, and I don't know the personal situation of others, so it is not appropriate to rush to find it, and it will easily cause unnecessary misunderstandings to others.So these years he was also in Beijing and I was also in Beijing, but I couldn’t find it.How many times I saw a similar figure on the street, I had to go and have a look, but it wasn't him.

When I was in Harbin, he gave me a greeting card, so I will carefully select a greeting card for him at this time of year, but I can't send it out.I really want to write an article called "Greeting Cards That Can't Be Sent", which is also a kind of longing for my friends. Zuo Qiu still had that romantic expression wandering in memories, but I didn't hear anything.She is very clear about everything between them, and she is intoxicated by it, but she is intoxicated in her heart, and it seems that she has nothing to do with me.So I asked her: "It sounds like nothing happened between you, but how could he be your first love?" Zuo Qiu's explanation was very urgent.

That is a very pure, very pure relationship.If I can find this person, I would like to know what kind of situation he is in, and I also want to know his life after the breakup.Of course, even after I found him, I didn't want to affect his life.Do you think my search is meaningful or meaningless? I didn't answer Zuo Qiu's question. I said that her inability to let go actually shows that she has a different kind of feeling for that person, which is close to love, although there is no result in the end.She admitted in my questioning that she herself was "extremely attached to this person". I heard that Nanjing has that kind of private detective. I think if it is possible in Beijing, I will ask someone to find him for me. Finding him does not mean disturbing his life. I just want to have an account of my past life, yes A closure to the unsatisfactory ending of that year.I was too willful back then.I don’t think it’s possible for me to come to Beijing. Another one I think has a big family difference between the two of us. His family is superior to mine because of the disparity in family status, and I also have a sense of inferiority. I don’t think I’m good enough. .People should have a correct evaluation of themselves.Maybe I'm thinking too much, and others have said that my thinking doesn't match my age.So I didn't echo him.But there are many things that I still miss very much to this day.At that time, our contact was not small.I was particularly impressed by the fact that there is a Zhongshan Hotel in Harbin, which is just beside the Majiagou River in Nangang. From the back door of the school where he went to school is the small river, which is the place we go to the most. Zuo Qiu returned to her first love, and she relaxed somewhat. When walking by the river, he said: "Our unit often has the opportunity to travel on business. I graduated and returned to Beijing to work. When I came to Harbin on business trips, I lived here." I said why there are so many hotels in Harbin. Why must I live here? ?He said: "This riverside is a place we often walk." I don't know whether he has fulfilled this promise, but as soon as I arrive in Harbin, I will definitely go to the Zhongshan Hotel and walk by the river.Colleagues thought it was weird, but it was because of his words back then.I wanted to find him and ask him what he thought about that period of history.But I also know that the greater the hope, the greater the disappointment, so every time I think that if he has become very indifferent, I will not be disappointed.I'm just an explanation of my own past feelings. Now it's like a wonderful novel without an end, and I just want to find such an ending. Zuo Qiu said that she came to talk to me just because of this, which is obviously very different from the dissatisfaction with the existing marriage she expressed on the phone.Maybe she didn't want to talk about it, maybe she didn't think it would help her to make more substantial changes in her life.But I couldn't resist asking her husband how much he knew about it and if he had any opinion.My purpose was to bring Zuo Qiu's husband into our conversation naturally.She thought about it and didn't refuse. Now that I have said this, I will not reserve anything.I entered Beijing through marriage.My brother and sister-in-law are both in Beijing. 10 years ago, there was no talent flow as it is now, and there must be a legitimate reason.My sister-in-law said to introduce me to someone in Beijing, so that I can be transferred to Beijing.It was 1988, and I can say that I made a choice, whether to rely on this method of introduction to find a husband to enter Beijing, or to find a destination for my relationship in my own way. In the end, I overcame my romantic thoughts. I said: "Sister-in-law, if you think it suits you, introduce it to me. If I can accept it, I will accept it." So my sister-in-law introduced me to my current husband. Of course, he was not the first time I met after I arrived in Beijing. personal. At that time, I had a job in other places, an urban registered permanent residence, and a degree.At the beginning, I introduced a few people who were of the same level and better conditions, but the biggest difficulty was that I might not be able to transfer in.The unit of the person I introduced at the end has many household registration indicators in Beijing, and family members can be transferred in.In this way, we got married in October 1988, and I was officially transferred in April 1989.Because of this, I'm always in an ambivalent state of mind about my life today.At that time, the biggest reason I chose him was being able to enter Beijing. I do not deny that I had no choice among people with good conditions. He was just an ordinary worker with no education. His family was in the south, but I just asked him to be honest Honesty, duty, honesty and reliability are enough.If you want to entrust your life to him, you must not "put it in the basket and it's a dish".At that time, I thought his quality was not bad, and his appearance was much better than mine, and the people around him also said the same.Even now that we are together, he still looks younger than me. This is a natural condition that cannot be changed. After I transferred in, I started looking for a job.This kind of marriage of mine is different from that of free love. It is a patterned thing, and the conditions have been limited when the choice is made, as if picking something is to be used.I think this person can still live together except for his low cultural level, and I always think that people can be changed.But when we really lived together, I found out that there is a big difference in our living habits. He is an authentic southerner, and I am an authentic northerner. First of all, we are completely different in eating habits, but now I am Already like him.Another thing is that I have a sense of depression in my heart, and the two of us cannot communicate.I think that different living environments create different people, with different ideologies and so on, so communication is very difficult.For example, if I say some Tang poetry, Song Ci or Beethoven in front of him, he is not interested and does not know.What he is interested in is what is going on with the people around him, whom I don't know and don't want to know.I dare not say how modern I am, but he has a deep-rooted masculinity in him, and because of his limited cultural level, his judgment on many things seems very unwise. I've been living in a kind of paradox.On the one hand, he was able to realize my dream of coming to Beijing. I came to Beijing with the help of him. At the same time, there are many unsatisfactory things. When I first arrived in Beijing, I didn’t have a job, and I was looking forward to his return every day. When he came home, I felt that there was someone to talk to, but he had nothing to tell me, and I felt a strong sense of loss.The way he talks sometimes is particularly unacceptable.For example, when I just gave birth to a child, I was very tired every day, and my whole body was hazy. My house was very far from my work. I got up at 5 or 10 in the morning, set off at 5:30, and arrived at work at 7:30. The road was very hard. , Get up every morning and go out in a hurry.I rode too fast that day, and passed by a jeep on the way. The dust on the jeep rubbed on my body. It was really dangerous. It scared me into a cold sweat. I went home at night with him. say it.An average husband can accept blame even if he says "be careful".Guess what he said?He said, "Why didn't I kill you? You're so stupid!" I wondered who he took me for?He can't say that if he still thinks I'm his wife and the mother of his children.We are not enemies!I don't know what he meant by that expression.For another example, sometimes when talking about something, women's language is more delicate and trivial, and he would say: "You intellectuals are so rotten, where do you have so many ideas?!" This made me feel sad , it doesn't mean that a knife stabs people to death all at once, but slowly makes you uncomfortable.But measuring all aspects, this family still needs to be maintained, and life must be lived. Let's put it this way, he will definitely not be able to quarrel with me when he quarrels. People in the Northeast are very fierce...I knew there was an anti-domestic violence association in Beijing a few days ago. Are you wearing it? ... Zuo Qiu's topic suddenly came here, which shocked me.At the same time, I found that she had just said what she most wanted to say to me.Tears welled up in her eyes, her face suddenly turned red, and her voice became thinner. I found that there are quite a lot of women like this.I don't want to divorce, and my life is not good.The two of us fighting are not ordinary hands-on, and our colleagues know it.A few days ago, my arm was still black and black. Zuo Qiu pushed up her sleeves and let me see her injuries. People ask me, why don't you get divorced after you've done this?Let me just say that, I don't want to get a divorce. Having children is one aspect. I have no relatives in Beijing, and I don't even have a place to go after divorce.Migrant girls went to Beijing by themselves, but I didn't have the courage.And what about my son?After all, I gave birth to him, so I can't leave him without a mother. Some things hurt, but if you say how bad this guy is, he's not a bad guy.After hitting someone, I never apologize, and I don't apologize with my mouth, but I will show it in my actions.Every time the two of us developed to do it, I was not mentally prepared, and I didn't expect him to do it.He said, "Aren't you looking for smoke?"Sometimes when a sentence is inappropriate, he raises his hand and calls.People’s feelings can’t be suppressed all the time. It’s hard for me to go outside. When I come home and want someone to talk to, he keeps saying, “Who made you stupid?” What does home mean?It is a place where I can relax. I can go home and talk about my grievances.He is my husband.If a woman has a bitter relationship with another man, it means that the two people have gone beyond the ordinary friendship.What I hope to get is his comfort, but what does he give me?It was impossible for him to listen to me calmly. Our biggest contradiction is this inability to communicate.He may also think that we were very realistic when we got married, and he felt that I had to rely on him to enter Beijing.But at that time he also chose me. If he looked down on me as a foreigner, he didn't have to marry me! Zuo Qiu's voice raised a lot. I am not pursuing any special life, and it is not easy to follow him.First of all, the hard work of this job is not something everyone can bear.It is not easy for foreigners to do anything in Beijing, and it is good enough that my unit can accept me.I remember that it was your newspaper that once discussed "Beijingers" and "Beijingers".I have experienced it myself.My fellow countrymen are envious of me, but they don't know how I feel.In the eyes of our people, I have already become a Beijinger, but among Beijingers, they think that I am from other places, that is, the kind of "Beijing person". I have worked in this company for almost 10 years. Colleagues said that I am still a foreigner.So I think people like us have never been accepted, and we are still foreigners wherever we go.To be honest, it was very difficult for him to find a partner at that time, and Beijingers would not marry him. If he didn't find someone like me, he could only go back to his hometown in the countryside to find someone.So we all found a combination point in our actual situation. Someone told him before we got married that someone like me might dump him if he entered Beijing.He also told me, and I promised him at the time that he would not.After so many years, I don't know what he thought at the time.He said to me that day: "Do you know? At that time, if you came to Beijing and didn't live with me, I would kill your nephew." Because among the brothers and sisters in our family, only my brother has such a boy, a northerner It is said to be "a seedling in a thousand tilts".After I heard this, I was very scared.Who is this?I don't think I'm the kind of ungrateful person. I didn't want to leave him. I didn't want to divorce him when he beat me until I was bruised. How could he be so evil? One day when I was taking a shower, the children in the neighborhood saw it and asked me what happened to the wound on my body.Later I said that I had a fight with him; the girl said: "He treats you like this, do you still live with him?" I said she was still young, and she didn't understand many things when I told her, marriage is not two children When you play games, you ignore anyone when you start a fight. Marriage is different. Since you have chosen a family, you still have to try your best to live on.I used to believe that the environment can change a person, and I hoped that he would change, but the person who was changed was myself, but now I have to adapt to him, and only by following him can I live my life.So I will do more if I can, and try not to provoke him when I can not make noise.But I feel very unwilling, so I don't have myself? Zuo Qiu's tears finally burst out.She was so choked up that she couldn't speak, and her face was distorted by the pain and she behaved strangely. I think now, romantic love is love, life is still life, life can only be like this.He was never reconciled to what would happen to me, sometimes he picked up his chair and hit me, he didn't care where I was hit, he said: "Anyway, I have to vent my anger first!" Mid-autumn sobbed. I think I am a very tolerant person, besides, I have a child, but some things are unbearable. I feel that my life is boring, and I don’t feel love. Sometimes I think it is an animal instinct, yes. It may feel happy for him, but there is no happiness for me.In his words, "You are my wife, I can use it whenever I want".He felt it was his right in every sense of the word, but it was especially painful for me. It turns out that I think my body is quite healthy, and I don't have so many problems like now, such as back pain.I have been to the hospital, because I feel very painful, every time we are together, there is no discharge at all, and the skin is scratched.The doctor did not find any lesions after examination, and there was no problem with my age. The doctor said that it was due to psychological reasons, and suggested that I go for psychological adjustment. I once called the psychological counseling hotline. Now, in order to relieve some pain, I just Use a bit of lube... I'm terrified of our bed.About 30 days after giving birth, he was going to be together... Later I found that all the skin I could touch was scratched, it was very painful... My wound hadn't healed at the time... I read a book about it , Let’s talk about how good two people are. When we first got married, I was with him for the first time, and I felt very excited when I touched the smooth skin of the opposite sex... But I never felt like that after giving birth. The feeling of happiness... I am tired every day, but he doesn't care about it.He seemed to be the kind of person who had to vent this tension as long as he had the need, and would be unhappy if it didn't get him there.So I thought maybe this way could make him treat me and the child better.Every time I close my eyes, I don't think about anything.He was happy, but he didn't know how uncomfortable I was. I was in pain when I went to the toilet.My physical fitness is not as good as before.I really look forward to him returning to his hometown. As soon as he leaves, I feel that I am liberated.Sometimes I've fallen asleep and found him in action in a daze.He has so many demands. I don't know how to comfort this crying woman with a broken arm, and I can't imagine what the counselor can say to her when I call the local counseling phone.The premise of psychological guidance is to improve the psychological environment of the receiving party so that they can live a normal life when the external conditions are good but there are obstacles that are difficult to overcome.However, in the case of harsh external conditions, psychological guidance definitely does not mean teaching people to be submissive. In a sense, that is encouraging evil.Zuo Qiu's attitude is very clear, she has made up her mind to submit to everything, and to maintain this marriage, no one cares what she is doing, whether it is weakness or motherhood, she has already made a choice, so for a woman like this, what psychology does she have? Guidance is necessary, and where does it start? I feel that sometimes death is even a kind of relief. After I die, there will be no more pain, and it doesn't matter how anyone lives.And there is another reason why I don't want to divorce. Who can guarantee that I will be able to live well if I find another person?Maybe not as good as this. Zuo Qiu seemed to be thinking about what else needs to be said.A question lingered in my mind, what made her so disappointed in humanity?Judging from her experience, she has almost never had any special emotional experience, and her first love has left such a good impression so far, so what makes her believe that it is impossible for her to get another emotional or at least comfortable relationship? marriage?When Zuo Qiu was almost ready to end the conversation, I asked her, has such an unsatisfactory marriage lasted for so many years, has there ever been a man who has given her hope or moved her heart?She sat down in the chair again.I thought about it for a minute, then let out a deep sigh. If you hadn't asked, I wouldn't have told anyone.Originally, I just wanted to tell you that I wanted to find my first love, but maybe I suppressed it for too long, and once I sat down, I said it unconsciously.For ten years, the stone in my heart has become bigger and heavier. I once met a man in 1996, very by chance.He is ten years older than me. He was divorced in the 1970s and has no children. He is a reporter for a large newspaper with deep qualifications.I have no communication with my husband, and my colleagues are all native Beijingers, so it is impossible for me to do anything to me, so I have special respect for educated people.But in the end we talked thoroughly and broke up, and I realized that he was not the kind of person I hoped for. Perhaps this is a topic that is difficult for a married woman to speak out. Zuo Qiu spoke very hard, obviously she was picking out the plot while talking.I told her over and over that no real communication was possible without a full presence, but I knew that was of no use. I once thought that if he liked me too, I would give up my current family for him.But this is a dilemma for me.I think men are very picky. If I want a son, he can't have his own children. At the same time, he also thinks that I am a burden; if I don't want my son, he won't want me, because he thinks a For a woman to be willing to part with her own flesh and blood, this woman must be very cruel.Moreover, he feels that although he is nearly 50 years old, he is in good condition in all aspects. He has hundreds of thousands of dollars and a house. He hopes to find a young and beautiful girl to bear him a son.Speaking of this, I knew he would not marry me.But he said he liked my empathy and meekness very much. I don't know if all men are like this, seeing many things as needs.He also asked me for sex, but I didn't agree.It may be that I am too traditional. I have always believed that no matter what men think, women must respect themselves.You can never pay so much when you don't feel safe.If I just gave it to him so easily, I think he'll think I'm a flirtatious woman, and even if he gets it, he'll still look down on me. Zuo Qiu sighed again. Here is another dilemma. People like him really want to save face. If I reject him, he will think that I have no sincerity towards him.In fact, I really think there is a good way of communication between men and women besides sex.And my married life has made me less interested in sex.So, until we broke up, I never promised him to do those things, I hope to find a spiritual sustenance. Over the years, I have also heard the word "lover". To be honest, I think this word is very beautiful, but it has been distorted by those bad people and things, and it has become a synonym for very vulgar and improper relationships.When my own marriage made me very depressed, I also wanted to treat this person as a lover, and I would also be his lover, but within a year, I found that this was a road that was not going to work.And for someone like me who values ​​emotions very much, it can only be a kind of harm, and there is no place to talk about the pain of finding a lover and being a lover. Zuo Qiu's silence once again told me that this topic is over.Her eyes were a little blurred, and she looked distracted. So I still want to say that I especially want to find the person I met in Harbin.I used to imagine, if I saw this man again, what would he look like?Is it possible for us to resume the leading edge?I think this kind of thinking is unrealistic. It is impossible for him not to have a family. Even if he has no family, I may not be able to give up my son.So I am looking for this person more because I want to find a spiritual sustenance.Although we all know that platonic spiritual love is unrealistic, but I think my original intention is to treat him as a good friend who can talk.The problem I face is how do I control my own emotions.I also asked myself, do I want to treat him as a lover?I don’t think I am, I just cherish that period of experience, and I want to find a carrier for the current spiritual sustenance. I know very well that I will not be like those trendy girls who cannot control their impulses. Zuo Qiu suddenly stared at me closely. Moreover, to this day, more of my impulses are in my heart. Zuo Qiu didn't have lunch with me because she still had to go to work at the unit. It was past two o'clock in the afternoon when she left.She insisted on not letting me see her out, and we said goodbye at the stairs.She said: "You must not write what newspaper the reporter is in, we have no contact at all now. In fact, I also want you to do something for me, just chat. I want to make a confession with you. Believe my intuition, as soon as I saw you, I felt that you are very easy to contact, and the clothes you wear are quite ordinary, no different from ordinary people. If you are the kind of particularly arrogant person, I I won't tell you that much." Zuo Qiu’s words reminded me of the similar words that many interviewees said to me. Their words of approval also indirectly reflected most people’s understanding of journalists. An interviewee once said In their eyes, quite a few reporters are very utilitarian and sympathetic. When I was not a reporter myself, I was very tired of the arrogance and domineering of some reporters. Therefore, I am also very fortunate that as a What a meaningful and interesting thing it is to be a member of a group of people with mixed reputations and reputations, to have the opportunity to be accepted by people like Zuo Qiu, and to have the opportunity to listen to them tell their little-known secrets. After the interview, Zuo Qiu and I really became friends. We often talk on the phone. I know that I can't change her life, but I hope I can be a friend who can make her feel happy for a while.