Chapter 9 Chapter Ten I Facing Every Man With the Heart of First Love

- always starts and ends wrongly Interview time: December 16, 1997 at 1:00PM Interview location: "Beijing Youth Daily · Youth Weekly" office Name: Yu Jie Gender: Female Age: 27 years old Graduated from a college majoring in accounting and worked as a clerk in many companies. Telling my experience, others may think that this girl is very frivolous-I like someone easily-I started a so-called sugar daddy life-It is very difficult for a man to divorce for his lover- ——I think that after a woman is ruined by a man, she should use all means to win over the man——I know men who always have one or the other, and there is no final result—the things I don’t want to remember, I will You can really forget, you can remember what you want to remember.Some things are hard to remember - nothing I did could save our relationship - this wait is probably my whole life.

Yu Jie asked me on the phone: "Is there any requirement for the person you are talking to?" I told her that there is no requirement, the only requirement is to be unreserved and express as detailed as possible, and she said, "That's no problem." At noon on December 16, 1997, Yu Jie walked into the office where I was, softly called out my name, and turned around for a moment. , I immediately had an amazing feeling.Her hair fell to her shoulders in a chestnut glow, and her eyes looked sleepy and alluring with long lashes.She is the kind of woman with oversized facial features and a three-dimensional sense when combined together, very similar to the kind of sexy beauties that Hollywood intends to create.She had already said on the phone that she was 25 years old, worked as a secretary in a company, and "had many times of emotional distress" and so on, but her beauty and calmness with a dusty atmosphere still surprised me.

Yu Jie wore a men's white shirt with a small stand-up collar, and the crimson sweater was just right on her waist.She settled herself in a wide chair, the steel frame of which trembled slightly with her body.She took out a box of "Salon" brand cigarettes and a silver lighter inlaid with blue turquoise from her small leather bag. I recognized it as a unique Tibetan ornament, fashionable hidden in simplicity. Yu Jie's voice was a little hoarse, and even this voice was full of ambiguous atmosphere.When she was talking, she didn't look at me, but faced the wall very naturally. When she talked about a certain place, she would look at me for a moment and then immediately return to the original posture.

Yu Jie's narration was a bit confusing, I had to interrupt her in several places and asked her to re-establish a narration order, but in the end I followed her own logic.She said: "You go back and sort it out yourself. Anyway, there are three kinds of relationships, me and my parents, me and some men I know or don't know, and me and Brother Hei. You can make it coherent, as long as it can be understood by others. " So for the convenience of reading, I adjusted the order of Yu Jie's recording according to the relationship she provided, and the words are still her original words.

I was the only child in the family. During the winter and summer vacations, my father and mother locked me in the house until I was eighteen and a half years old.Every day when they went to work, I fumbled here and there, read a book, watched TV, slept in the house alone, and opened the door when they came back.It may be that the lock time is too long, and two contradictions have arisen. On the one hand, I am very eager to get in touch with this society, and on the other hand, I am very inexperienced in getting in touch with society. People say that my mother and I are very similar to a pair of sisters. Her personality is very similar to Wang Xifeng in the film. If she can catch up with today's era, she will be very successful. She is very capable in all aspects, and she is quite beautiful. There is a picture of her when she was young, which looks like a young Audrey Hepburn.But my mother is unlucky like all women her age, so she hopes her daughter will be a little luckier than she is.She is more open and accepts many things.I tell her everything, such as the friends I make, who this person is, what he does, what conditions... I tell her everything, and she can give me some advice.My father and I are not like that.In my heart, I love both of them very much.

Our family's life is not very well-off, they are all civil servants, and they can't earn much money a month.But all people want to live a good life. My mother puts more emphasis on money, and she will do whatever it takes to make money within her possible range.She sometimes buys some fashionable new clothes for me and herself. Her biggest feature is that she locks them in a box after buying them. She always says, "I will wear them when I have something to do."What can be the matter?To put it bluntly, the biggest thing for a Chinese woman is to finally enter Babaoshan. It is impossible for a woman of her age to have any real entertainment, so I don't know what she is talking about.I have never had to go out to dinner with friends when I have something to do, and I don't need to dress up.

When Yu Jie smiled, her red lips parted slightly. It was a careless and contagious smile. From this smile alone, one could guess that this woman must have had many experiences that other people would never encounter.There is no trace of precaution and caution in her smile, as if anyone can easily walk into her life, start a story with her, and freely decide the direction and end of the story. In fact, her casual character is not the same as passive. Clear difference. Telling my experience, others may think this girl is very frivolous.The first time I fell in love was when I was in my junior year, and I met in Fuxing Commercial City. That was not a proper way to know each other.That day I was wearing a vest and jeans with the entire back empty.I saw a person looking at me all the time, maybe it was vanity, I deliberately stood in a position very close to him, and I understood each other when I looked at each other.He came to Beijing to study from Xi'an, and his name was Zheng Bin.It seems like it was love at first sight. At that time, I liked to meet all kinds of people. Once I went to school to find him, and a girl came in when I was talking. She asked me if I was Zheng Bin’s girlfriend. She said yes, and then she said: "From today on, Zheng Bin will be taken over by me." I was very surprised, why are all the girls in Beijing like this?Zheng Bin squatted aside and said nothing.I smashed a cup on the ground at once, and the girl did not show weakness, and also smashed a cup on the ground.I picked up the glass shard and pulled my wrist away.It's a bit like vindictiveness, it's ridiculous, two women are fighting in front of a man who dare not admit anything.The girl ran to the school doctor to get me medicine.I am very disappointed, why is this man like this?Or telling me to go or telling her to go must have an attitude, but he just didn't say anything.

Yu Jie curled her lips and lit a cigarette for herself. I'm probably quite forgiving, and I didn't break up with him after that.Was I 21 or 23 at the time?I can't remember.I can never remember my age.In the winter, we really quarreled.It was also at their school that day, and I went there with a utility knife, and I pulled my wrist away in one fell swoop.This time it was true. I saw the film inside, bleeding first, and then something yellow.I was quite awake, watching the blood flow down the legs of the table, it was very sticky and thick, and flooded the legs of the stool.His classmates took me to the hospital.When I went home after the stitches, I didn't feel anything, until my dad came back and heard what my mom said about it. He only said one word: "Poor!" I covered myself with a quilt and burst into tears.After crying, I feel that the matter is over.

I lived in a kind of gray that winter.Zheng Bin went back to Xi'an.Later, when I went to Xi'an, I looked for him, but he was not there, and I met his parents.His father seems to have throat cancer, and his voice is very hoarse. His mother is very thin and not tall. Yu Jie seemed to be searching carefully for the image of the old couple in her memory, as if they were more important to her than their son. It's just a courtesy call, we've just turned the page. The kind of private college I went to did not assign jobs. I studied accounting, but I didn't want to do it, so I looked for a job by myself. In 1994, wedding photography became popular in Beijing. I went to a photo studio as a receptionist, and seeing those wedding dresses every day was like a dream.There I met Zhang Meng, a photographer, my age, and a man of character.Once my colleagues went to a karaoke hall together, we danced, the lights were dim and hazy, I looked at him, and he looked at me, and the two of us understood what we wanted to say from our eyes.He pulled me to the gate, breathing heavily.When he sent me home, my mother saw him and didn't like him at first glance.But I have a lot of affection for him.

Yu Jie exhaled a round smoke ring, her eyes blurred. It's easy for me to fall in love with someone. Every time I fall in love with a man, it's like the first love for all men. Zhang Meng's family conditions are not good. He has an artist's temperament and an artist's inferiority. He has long hair and an erratic personality. Yu Jie smashed out the cigarette butt with all her might. I'm just a bad person, and I can't change my bad habits. At this time, I met a "little white-collar worker" who worked as a lobby manager in a hotel.I'm probably a little sick, and I have to let both sides know that I'm stepping on two boats.In this way they also got to know each other through me.Once we had dinner together, I drank a lot and must have lost my composure.I put my hand on the leg of that "little white collar".Zhang Mengquan saw it, and he kept looking at us with a smiling posture.I've lost my mind.I was in a lot of pain.Zhang Meng once said that he was unlikely to marry me, and I was out to get revenge on him.Let him understand that I am not a girl that no one likes to be good with this person.The three of us stood there not knowing how it would end. I didn't know who to go with. I couldn't bear the two of them. Neither of them worried about me drinking like this and they couldn't take me away. It was very embarrassing.In the end, I gritted my teeth and left with Zhang Meng, after all, we have been together for a longer time.

We got to a friend's house of his and I fell asleep right away.His crying woke me up in the middle of the night, he was crying so hard, I've never seen a man cry like that.The next day I went to work, Zhang Meng came to me at noon, he was holding a large bouquet of roses, I later found out that he bought these flowers with all the money on his body.I was very moved and very guilty, and the relationship with that "little white-collar worker" was over from then on. Later, when I went to work in an advertising company, Zhang Meng still stayed in that studio, and Yingluo recruited some new employees. Yu Jie glanced at me erratically, and leaned back in the chair with her head half raised. I was quite confused and didn't know what was going on. One day Zhang Meng suddenly told me that he had gonorrhea.He said he had nothing to do with anyone else, so I thought his illness came from me, but in fact I was not sick, and I had an examination at that time.But I thought it was important to treat the disease first, so I cheated a sum of money from my family.After he recovered, I didn't pay much attention to it, so it was summer.His work brought him into contact with a lot of girls, and slowly he became interested in women.At that time, I was two months pregnant, and my colleagues noticed it, so they told my mother.My mother forced me to go to a small hospital, which was no longer available in large hospitals.I took the medicine in the hospital first, and while I was waiting, I still ran to find Zhang Meng, without him in my heart, I would not be in trouble. After the operation, I went back to my house. After waking up, I still wanted to see him, so I went to his house.Waiting for him until almost eleven o'clock, he said that he went to eat with others.At that time, I already knew that he was going further and further away, and there was nothing I could do to save him.The day before we broke up, he admitted his relationship with other people, including that his disease was also transmitted to him by others.I was almost in a state of madness that day. I knew it would be meaningless to say anything, but I just pulled him to make him speak clearly.I stood on the side of the road and cried, and my mother stood on the other side of the road and cried.He just went away. In fact, I like Zhang Meng because he resembles me in many ways, and we often fall into a state of madness.For example, once we had a quarrel, he came to my house after the quarrel, wrapped a sword in newspaper, and said he was going to kill my parents because they never thought highly of him.Probably we are all the kind of people who don't care.From that summer to winter, I had a bad time, and sometimes I would cry when I went to work. Yu Jie squinted her eyes, swayed her body back and forth, and gave me a sideways glance.She fiddled with the lighter a few times, then skillfully pulled out a cigarette from the cigarette case, tapped the case twice, and lit it. At this time, I met another person.He was 34 years old when we met, and this year is his birth year.I was collecting money at a place that sold BP machines, and he came to buy BP machines, so I met him.I was also very bored back then.He was a sales manager of a clothing company at the time, and he could be considered a rich man.We went to the movies together when we first met, and he told me bluntly that he had a family, kids, and that he couldn't get a divorce.After watching the movie, he accompanied me to Lufthansa. He said he would buy me a bottle of perfume for 498 yuan, which seemed to be a Solomon brand. Yu Jie brushed her left hand over her hair, and breathed out a puff of smoke as if sighing.No, it's not Solomon, it's Byzantium, a very strange brand.Then we went to eat. In fact, he knows how to please the lady, and I, to be honest, really see him as rich, and I told him so.During the meal, a massage lady called him, and I deliberately showed him annoyed.We went to a disco I was more familiar with, and he called the woman back and said no.We started dancing, not fast but slow.Then he sent me home.In this way, since June 1995, none of us have returned home early.During the day, I went to work and he also went to work. After work, he came to pick me up, had dinner together, went to the bar to drink, and then went home. Yu Jie squinted at me again and smiled. I started a so-called sugar daddy life. One day his wife called him, and he had to take a taxi to go home first. I walked alone on the Guangqumen overpass until I reached Chongwenmen. When I couldn't walk anymore, I took a taxi home.At that time he gave me money and bought me things.The days went on like this.I think it's good to be a lover. I always feel that it's safer to be a man's lover, because a man's energy is limited. On the one hand, he has to take care of his family. On the other hand, if he has a lover, he can't find a third one. Woman, I must be the only one, so for me, this love is still safe, at least it is much better than me looking for a boy who is young and has no girlfriend, and then worrying about him, anyway, he is not with me Together he will be with his wife. Yu Jie nodded her head very positively.For me, this is really an unheard of point of view, and it is the first time I have seen a woman who can be so self-justified as a lover.I don't know where Yu Jie came from to calculate how many women can divide a man's energy. Later, I don't know why his company came to check his account, because the accountant imitated his signature and reimbursed more than 10,000 yuan, and of course the boss of the company did not rule out dissidents.So he voluntarily resigned.It was impossible for him to change his career, so he did nothing that winter and stayed with me all day. When I went to work, he was waiting at the door of our company.In the past, we often went to some high-grade places to eat together, but at this time we each ate a bowl of sliced ​​noodles worth 3 yuan.I was quite sad, and felt that it was unfair to a man who fell like this from a very high place, but he had nothing to do with himself.From this moment on, I feel that I have true feelings for him. He has been persuading me to find a suitable person to marry, saying that it is impossible for me to be with him forever, and he will not divorce me.I know that it is very difficult for a man to divorce for his lover, and I have not asked for it until now.I am like this, if you explain everything to me clearly, and clarify your interests, if I can accept it, I will never bring it up.In the past two years, I have also met some men one after another, but I am like a kite, my string is in his hand, no matter how high or far I fly, I am always the first to think of going back after being hurt to him.I can't accept others. I went to the next room to answer a call, and Yu Jie stayed in my office.When I came back, she stared wide-eyed at a picture on the opposite wall of a blond man happily releasing pigeons.She is already smoking her third cigarette.It is not difficult for Jie to start the narration again. The difference between her and other interviewees is that she seems to be telling a ridiculous story about someone else, with little emotional investment and pain of memory. On the contrary, she is actually amused by herself from time to time , or complacent because of the accuracy of his narrative.Yu Jie has a kind of indifference and contempt that only a vicissitudes of sexy woman can have. You just asked me about my sexual experience, how should I put it, when I was 18 years old, I sat in on a class at a school and met a boy.At that time, I was already wearing very sexy clothes, and I was probably the kind of precocious girl whose figure developed earlier.He is also the precocious type.There was a girl who had a relationship with him a long time ago, because of me, he blew it with her, and I was there when he blew it.I thought it was pretty hurtful at the time, girls thought it was just a normal date.At that time, I thought that after a woman was broken by a man, she should use all means to win him over, but this girl failed. We're fine after that.I don't know how it happened, I'm a little curious... Yu Jie frowned. Anyway, that's it.Later, we also broke up, and I almost became Xianglin's wife. It's not nice to meet people!He later met more and more girls.I went to see him after the college entrance examination, and he hadn't gotten up that day.I waited for him, his door was closed, and he let me go first.But I didn't go, I went up to the first floor and looked down from there.After a while, he also came out with his head poking around, to see if he was all right, and a girl came out behind him.I get it all. we broke up.Seems to be out of control since then, sleeping with different men.The men I know always have one or the other, and there is no final result. In terms of sex, I don't avoid saying that I am more mature and interested, but I can't accept watching pornographic movies and the like.When I have sex with some people, it seems like I have a feeling... Yu Jie didn't seem to be able to find the right words to describe the special feeling she was expressing, she was thinking hard while trying to speak to him.Her performance made me think that she was very willing to talk about this topic. It’s as if a smell emanating from two people’s bodies gives people a feeling of excitement... Anyway, that’s how it is... So I know that there is no future for me to have sex with some people, but in such an environment, Under such an emotion, it is like the growth of bacteria, which will naturally arise with the right soil.So I often meet some men in a more ambiguous environment like a karaoke bar...A lot of them are at night...I don't do "chicken" or to make money... It's just that two people met, and then suddenly I felt an impulse, and then we came together unconsciously.That's it. Yu Jie breathed a sigh of relief, as if she was very satisfied with her narration. Coincidentally, all of these people I met had friends who had a spare house, and I once knew a guy who didn't, and I thought he was pretty incredible.It would be abnormal not to have such a friend.I think now that I can't remember many things. For example, I can really forget the things I don't want to remember, and I can remember the things I want to remember.Some things are hard to remember. Yu Jie's language and accent also gave me a "warm and ambiguous" feeling.I can't imagine that the 25-year-old girl sitting in front of me is actually living a life close to indulgence. She chases her feelings and then does everything she wants to do according to the instructions of her senses.At this time, I was not insisting on not making value judgments, but that I didn't even have the ability to make a judgment in my heart.I even get into her state in this narrative, thinking that her good reasons are really good reasons.This peculiar girl confused me completely, and the complexity of her strange charm forced me to hold on to her thoughts.I have to admit that this is the only very covert loss of control I experienced in dozens of case interviews, as if I was experiencing a strong challenge, such as "pureness", "self-denial" and other good words in the usual sense are all in My mind was circling and I couldn't land, Yu Jie, who was holding a cigarette, smiled at the side.I sat upright and asked Yu Jie if she thought she was a casual woman.When I listened to the tape afterwards, I found that my tone was a bit harsh. feel. Yu Jie admitted frankly unexpectedly, and then smoked leisurely. I don't want to make excuses for myself.For example, after I slept with this person for one night, I would give up the next day when I learned that we could not be together, and I would not be entangled.I don't think this relationship is going to hurt me or the men I love because they can't be alone with me.For example, the man from the garment company, it is impossible for him to divorce his wife, so he keeps saying that he hopes that I will find someone who loves me or who I love.Whatever happens during the time with him, I have reason to say confidently: "You have no right to control me, I'm just your lover, if you really love me, you can go for a divorce." I don't think men are capable of doing things It cannot be used to ask a woman to do it. This man and I were caught by his wife, on the third day of this year, at his house.He said his wife would not come back, so I went.He was facing me on the bed, and when he was holding me just now, a woman appeared behind him.I had seen a picture of his wife and knew it was her, so I said, "Your wife is back." He said it was impossible. Yu Jie laughed triumphantly. I said it again, and he still said it was impossible, so I asked him to look back.He still didn't believe it. At this time, his wife took off the quilt.He got dressed and went into the living room, threw my clothes in and told me to get dressed and go.My thought at the time was that I would not leave, because I didn't know what his wife would do to him, and I was worried.As a result, neither his wife nor I left, and he left by himself.He only wore a suit.I really had a lot of affection for him, and in that case, I didn't forget to take his clothes.He hugged me in the corridor and said, "Will you marry me?" I said, "Isn't it? She will break up with you?" He asked me again: "If she divorces me, will you marry me?" Me?" I said, "Don't marry. If I marry you, we will really fulfill what others said, a pair of dog and man. And you and I are so combined, maybe I will doubt you and So do others. So I'd rather have this relationship with you than start over with another woman." And I went home.He and his lover have been separated for seven years and have no sex life.These are all he told me. I believe that sometimes it is good for people to be a little confused. Knowing too much is a burden to oneself. Yu Jie sat quietly for a while, then adjusted her clothes, as if to cheer herself up. After that, I met the biggest nemesis in my life.I always thought that when I met Brother Hei, my life began to take a turn for the better.He's not like the men I've known, and I don't think this time it's going to be a dewy affair.On his first date with me, he called me for two nights and I didn't show up.The third time, he was waiting for me downstairs at my house. I was already in bed at that time. I sat under the quilt and watched the pager ringing again and again. The last sentence made me "heart-too soft".He said, "It's getting late, I'm leaving, I'm sorry to make it harder for you, I'll call you tomorrow or the day after tomorrow." All the boys I know, if I miss my appointment, they have never done so well, not on the phone Li accuses me and just ignores me.From then on we started to get better.Sitting in his car and he said he was going to marry me, I was so happy.He loves the ankle-length dresses I wear, and every time I go on a date, I always run up to him in a long dress, like running into a new day.I was so happy then, I told my mom that finally someone was going to marry me. He is the manager of the maintenance department of a company, and he is very good at repairing machines.At this time, he broke up with his girlfriend not long ago.I often go to his office, and sometimes we have nowhere to go, so we just spend the night in his office.The clothes I wore at that time were very sexy, and I had a special feeling of understanding when I was with him, not all in terms of sex, sometimes we would hug each other suddenly when we were walking on the street. We are like all couples.But suddenly one day, he said that his original girlfriend came back to him, the girl's family was very bad, and he was responsible for her.That night I offered to have sex with him, but he didn't agree, so I just sat in his office and didn't leave.It was late and there was nowhere to go. Yu Jie smiled very relaxed, as if the person she had cornered was right in front of her eyes. He is very nervous.That night I knew he was sick, his sperm couldn't liquefy, and he had some impotence, but we did it anyway. Yu Jie's voice was unprecedentedly gentle, her eyes were half-closed, and her expression was extremely serene. After that I still look for him.One day when I was walking by the moat, I saw a floating woman’s head, and people looked around. The first thing I did when I got to work was to call him, and I said: “In this unstable society, your smiling face is the only thing I have. depend on." Indeed.I'm also wondering why I don't like to cry so much. I won't cry in front of men even when encountering no matter what happens.Maybe I'm a bit of a stalker, though.That's how I am. When I'm not going well, I get sick and fall into a state of madness.I was walking on the street, paying attention to all the cars that were the same as his. Once I saw it, I took a taxi and followed him to an old Shanghai restaurant on the side of Anzhen Bridge.But I know that nothing I do can save our relationship. One night, I was out drinking with a bunch of friends, and he came.I told him that I was pregnant and he was cured.At that time, he drank Erguotou in one gulp, and kept persuading me to abort the child.I quit, and started to quarrel with him over and over again.Looking at it now, I think my love for him was a hasty love.He repeatedly advised me to abort the child, but I repeatedly disagreed. Yu Jie fell silent for the first time after we met, and she seemed a little dignified in this brief silence. I ended up having the baby aborted, in a small hospital.A few days later, I began to bleed profusely. The uterus was perforated and I had to remove it. Yu Jie stared at me for the first time, as if waiting for me to ask her something, but I really didn't know what to ask her.She waited a while and smiled, a weary kind of smile. Now I don't have a uterus.In other words, I no longer have to worry about monthly menstrual holidays and worry about pregnancy. I am no longer a pure woman.I don't think anyone will want to marry me in the future.The total time I spent with Heige was less than 42 hours. Later, I often went to him with a knife and threatened him with death, but in my heart I still thought that those hours in his office were the happiest in my life. happy time.Listening to him talk about his work, men are especially fascinating when they talk about things they are proficient in, really. After losing my uterus, I need to take a lot of medicines to supplement estrogen. When my mother saw it, I said it was a weight-loss medicine.Sometimes when I go to the supermarket and see the beautifully packaged sanitary napkins, I can't help but buy them. I know that I will never need these things in my life, and it turns out that all I use are the most common and cheapest. Yu Jie's expression dimmed, and I had no words to communicate with her.This is undoubtedly the most painful part of her so-called "love".Apart from repeating that she would wait for her black brother, Yu Jie didn't want to say more about this paragraph. On the surface, it seems that we hurt each other deeply, but in fact, in the end, the one who really hurt is myself.Have you ever heard a song called "Waiting for Love"?I am, maybe he will look back, maybe he will think of me after being hurt, maybe he can still miss his old love... This kind of waiting may be my whole life. Yu Jie suddenly laughed excitedly as if remembering something.Once when I was at work, I met the boy who lost my virginity when I was 18 years old. I ran away immediately, but he looked for me everywhere. He asked me if I hated him. related.how to say?Since I can't stick to one end, some... people can do their best. I have read some books and think that I may have depression. At least two of the depressions are in line with me.Even when I am very happy, I have this kind of thought. Yu Jie's pager rang many times during our conversation, but she never returned the calls. As I was leaving, I asked her if she had anything else to say, she thought about it, and stretched out her arms: "I want you to see this." So I saw, she had two scars on her left and right wrists , she turned down the collar of her shirt again, the same scar, she said she committed suicide five times, for love. Before going out, she made a call, it was a man's mobile phone, and she asked him to wait for her at the door of a restaurant.She smiled and said, "Another married man. I don't know how I keep meeting this kind of person. Maybe I'm the kind of woman who is dangerous. Always in the wrong place, at the wrong time, Knowing the wrong person, always starting and ending wrong. I can't help it." When we parted on the side of the Panjiayuan overpass, I asked Yu Jie what her plans were, whether she would commit suicide, and she patted me on the shoulder old-fashionedly: "Maybe."