Chapter 8 Chapter Nine The Unreasonable Man Has Reasons He Cannot Say to Others

——A woman who is afraid of marriage Interview time: Friday, November 28, 1997 at 10:00 AM Interview location: A hotel on East Third Ring Road Name: Wei Hong Gender: Female Age: 31 years old Graduated from a university and is now a company employee. If there is a second choice, I will not look down on those girls who are trying to marry - I care about money and status.I think that sometimes the value of a person is reflected through these—I don’t want his child, and I don’t know whose child I should have—he once said that he can’t move me with everything he does, and no one can use it. What moves me - our problems are mental ones.His concept of life is a stumbling block in my career and work - I don't think that with a marriage, a woman will achieve success - I want to prove myself through a successful marriage

I have value, and at the same time I hope to find my own position - after having this person, I have some comparisons before I know what I really need - I know this is destined to be a fruitless love, let a good Divorce is almost impossible for a man, a father who loves his daughter. November 28, 1997 was a cold Friday.When I went out, I chose a very Chinese-style embroidered padded jacket. I hoped to give my interviewees a mature and trustworthy impression.Wei Hong is the exact opposite of me.She was wearing an off-white jacket with four round black buttons, black trousers, a black leather bag, black hair and a somewhat pale face—there were only two contrasting colors in her whole body.

Wei Xun's figure is extremely thin, and she looks helpless and stubborn in such a cold weather.Especially in the dim light of the office, there is no bright color in the whole person. The phone in the office kept ringing, and the expectations in Wei Hong's eyes kept decreasing. Finally, she said, "How about I come back in a few days?" I shook my head quickly.She smiled and said, "Then let's book a room at the hotel opposite and talk for a while." So, this became the most extravagant interview I've ever had. We sat by the window in that small room, her legs trembled slightly, and she was not very calm.I lit her a cigarette and she said, "Thank you."

Wei Hong greeted the lady to pour tea for us with a somewhat haughty expression. Talking to Wei Hong was difficult at first, she is the kind of person who is more rational than emotional. When talking about her current marriage, she has been talking about her own analysis, even though I have been asking her to "give me some details" .However, the transformation started when she told about another man with flesh and blood, which surprised me. It turns out that the man a woman loves is not living in the world, but in the life of the woman who loves him. I grew up in a military compound. The imprint left on me by that environment is that people have a strong sense of hierarchy. For example, soldiers who can bring their families with the army can only live in bungalows, platoon commanders, company commanders, etc. They live in another kind of house, and the children of the officers' families don't know how to play with the children of the soldiers' families. There seems to be a natural barrier.When I grow up, I find that this influence is very deep.

My father was very rough and strict with his children. At that time, I hated him very much. When I was in college, I didn't live at home, because I just didn't want to be at home.My parents' marriage was not perfect, they were too far apart and often quarreled.I started a family at the age of 29, and I was actually very precocious psychologically. I knew that I liked boys when I was in high school. It was a very pure thing in my heart, and I didn't think about it.After entering university, we have no contact with each other.I had no experience with this until I got married at 29.

The first six months of my marriage were fine, and then things started to go wrong. Wei Xun's gaze was very low, and her hair hung down from both sides to cover her cheeks, she said while thinking. Some thoughts should not be there, but I still think that if there is a second choice, I will not look down on those girls who are trying to marry. Now thinking about them, it really makes sense.The things of human nature can only be tested if they are really suitable for each other in a long time of living together and friction. My fear of marriage probably started at an early age.I have never told anyone about my experience, but I can tell you the truth.My classmates are very envious of me, thinking that the person I married was my first love six years ago, so perfect, and I am also moved by myself.After we got married, he was indeed very kind to me, no, it should be said that he was very, very kind.I don't know how to do housework, and I cook very simple meals. I'm very stupid.He takes on everything.After I arrived in this new unit, I came into contact with more and more people. My job does not allow me to show my girly side. What I do is the same as gay men and I can’t be worse than them.Sometimes I feel very proud when I see a big man suing me in front of the leader.His environment has been relatively stable, with little change.

Maybe I am a person with a strong sense of responsibility and obligation. The affairs of the whole unit are always connected with me, whether the project can get in or not, etc., are all my own affairs, and I am really exhausted.But I didn't do it on purpose, it seems to be instinct. Wei Hong paused, as if he didn't know where to start.Her eyes are very intense when looking at people, black and white are distinct. I am an excellent member of the Communist Party, and there is a photo of my work model posted on the door of the unit. I haven't exchanged these ideas with others, maybe it's because I changed after I arrived in the new environment.I care about money and status.I think that sometimes the value of a person is reflected through these.Perhaps the unsatisfactory family has also had a great impact on me since I was a child.My mother is 10 years younger than my father, and she works as a worker in a factory. My father is used to being an official, and always scolds her, saying that she "knows what a big boss knows", and the atmosphere at home has always been bad.Sometimes when they quarreled, I just walked outside alone, and I didn't go back until it was very late.Maybe I'm a very sensitive person.When I was in high school, a girl in our class said my dad was dead. I didn’t know why I was so angry at that time. I rushed up and beat her up, shouting, “Your dad just died.” Later, the girl was very angry. Surprised I would have such a strong reaction.She said, "I thought your dad was dead just because you never mentioned him." Am I taking it too far?

I said you can say whatever you want. Marriage was proposed by me.Now I think that marriage should be considered in a particularly peaceful time, not a time of joy or sorrow, not with emotions, but only when you are calm can you know whether you really should enter into marriage.The beginning of my mistakes is because my mentality is not right.We had a great few months.I found that my change happened when a colleague came to my house. I didn't want him to be at home, but I just didn't want others to see him.The thought startled me.Now I think it might be because his job is not decent enough, but his income is not low.

I'm really not a good girl in the traditional sense.When you are more proud of yourself, you can't live with others.And it was in the new unit that I began to have a clearer idea of ​​getting a divorce. At that time, we were married for half a year.I tested him and asked him if he would leave me and change his life.I'm the kind of person who, once I want to do something, do it.We are very different.He came from a family of intellectuals, always weak and only likes to live a very ordinary life, even if he earns a few hundred dollars to support me at home, he is willing to support me at home, he is worried about my social interactions.He used to try hard to save, but now he doesn't think so anymore, waiting for divorce.But because their unit wants to divide the house, they have to look at the marriage certificate, so I think he treats me so well that I can't do everything right, and I have to wait for him to get the house before divorcing.It will take at least a year, and I am only thirty-four or five years old.

I especially want a child, probably because I have suffered a lot from home education since I was a child.Others think that I am very happy at home, but I am not.And sometimes I also think, if I have a child, I have to deliberately learn some things and avoid some things for the sake of the child, and I think that after so many years, my career is considered stable, and I can still be considered a successful person , It is a pity that there is no offspring.My idea of ​​wanting a child is also very strange. It is completely separate from marriage. The normal thinking is that when two people are happy, they will naturally have a child, but I am not. I don’t want his child, and I don’t know how to I feel very uncomfortable about wanting someone's child.

Wei Hong stopped and asked me if she thought like a man, I was noncommittal.In Wei Hong's narration, I feel that she seems to be deliberately concealing something richer and more exciting than the stories she tells.She looked away under my gaze.But I found that she actually knew very well in her heart whose child she wanted.There is one person who has always stood between me and Wei Hong, and that is the real purpose of her coming to me. Sometimes I think I'm just an asshole.My husband is really good. He accommodates me in everything. If I don’t want to cook, he will take me out to eat; , we're just not on the same road.He has a very kind heart, even for those who have stabbed him, he will still do things for them, and he always remembers the kindness of others to him. Tears flickered in Wei Hong's eyes, and she straightened up in the chair suddenly. I'm different, work or career is a major part of my life.We have some common hobbies such as football and music, but our little bit of similarity simply cannot stand in this secular society.He also said that I am too self-indulgent, but if it does not hurt others and is good for myself, what's wrong with it?And what I have today is all due to my own hard work.I feel that only people who understand my work have a common language with me, and there is very little common language between us.He always looks at the present and the small family. He is unable to do big things and is unwilling to do small things. He keeps making comments and complaining, which is really a common problem among intellectuals.Perhaps this is also our most crucial disagreement. He really treats me well. Sometimes I think that after remarrying, if he marries someone else, he will treat them well. His kindness determines that he will do so.I don't know if I'm thinking right, we can't be together if we are not on the same road.I always want to sleep in separate beds with him, but we are both face-saving people, and we don't want guests to see the same bed in the same room, so we still stay together.But this is really too cruel.Our married life is almost non-existent. I know he is suffering. He once said that nothing he does can move me. No one can move me with anything. I really appreciate him. When Wei Hong entered a new topic, her attitude became a little blurred, her vision was very loose, she leaned forward, her hands were clasped between her legs, as if her whole body was tightened. I'll tell you straight up.Girls have a psychological cycle, at this time, sexual things will overcome psychological things, and they really want to be together.But I won't lie to you, I regretted and felt sad after I did it.Our sex life should be said to be fairly harmonious.If it is because of the differences in life, these can be used as a lubricant to make up for it, but if it is because of our fundamental inconsistency, these can only deepen my condemnation of myself. Wei Miao lowered his head.I asked her if she was unwilling from the heart but not physically refusing, she nodded vigorously, her face flushed. I slowly found that before each menstruation this thought was stronger and I had to distract myself.He also has feelings, but the communication between us is not so deep, and he doesn't know that it is due to emotional reasons. He is very considerate of me, thinking that I am not feeling well.So he never asked me. I always say he is good, he is really good... When we got married...you wouldn't believe it, I was so afraid of pain, he endured it for a year before we had a real married life, he would never Forcing me to do things I don't want to do.I am really sorry for him.I really feel like I'm an asshole.I don't want other women to ask me to be patient because of my husband. I only value my own feelings and stop doing it when it hurts. He is too spoiled for me.But I don't think that affected our relationship.Our problems are spiritual problems.His kind of life concept is a stumbling block in my career and work. Now I especially want to tell those who are not married that marriage should not have any interference or utilitarianism, otherwise this kind of marriage will not be stable from the very beginning.This is who I am.I got married so that I would never have to live at home again.At that time, I lived in a house with my aunt’s house. She couldn’t understand me. She thought that I was too old, not married, I used perfume every day, and I was in a relationship. Sooner or later, something would happen.My feeling of being dependent on others is particularly strong.My boyfriend is nice to me, what more can I ask of him?And if everything goes well with the marriage, you can count as having your own home.It was out of this kind of thinking that I walked into marriage. I told Wei Hong that many interviewees have said that the joy of newlyweds will dilute people's rationality and make some necessary thinking temporarily suppressed by novelty, but when the fresh content gradually becomes commonplace, People's original colors will become clear again, and those who are more tolerant can regard it as inevitable, and those who are more critical will start to complain.If the gap between two people is really large, the crisis will arise from this and until they break.Wei Hong nodded frequently. He is too specific, earning money, going home, watching TV, and living a life, he is very satisfied, but I can't be content with all this, I want to do a good job too much, and marriage is not everything for me, I don't pursue marriage... She spoke faster and faster. I don't think that with a marriage, a woman is accomplished. A few days ago we went to the street together, we sat down to eat when we were tired from shopping, and he said he should go home quickly after eating.I feel very boring, why can't I sit there calmly and talk for a while?I remember a sentence in my diary that day: "Anyone who goes out with him is a dog." We are different in our bones, do you understand?This was something I didn't think of when I got married, and I couldn't even think about it at that time.I have completely given up now, and I will definitely not do any rescue anymore, let's break the jar and smash it.People who know both of us say that I am unreasonable, but I think I have my reasons, which cannot be explained clearly in one or two sentences.I think the difference between me and traditional women is that I want to prove my worth through a successful marriage, and at the same time I want to find my own place. Wei Hong seemed to have finished speaking, she looked at me with a smile. I may not speak well, I am not good at talking about family matters.But... I still haven't told you half of my experience. My heart sank leisurely.I guessed right, all doubts or regrets will be answered and resolved here.Wei Hong's expression stretched, and her pale face actually radiated a confident light.She lowered her head like a little girl and asked me: "You don't think that I have done too little in marriage because I like others, do you? We got along after my marriage had problems." I said that only Only the following paragraph can explain why the existing marriage is likely to die faster and faster every day.Wei Hong was noncommittal. It should be said that after having this person, I had some comparisons before I knew what I really needed.He is much older than me, at least 10+ years old.He is the boss of a company. From November 1994 until now, we have cooperated very well. Wei Hong hesitated. As soon as I say it, people know who he is. When I met him, I felt that he was an unattainable person.He is a postdoctoral fellow studying in Japan. He has lived in Japan for 8 years and has a wife and a daughter.Later, because the Japanese trading company he worked for invested in Beijing, he was sent to manage the company. He is 46 years old this year.It can be said that he has almost no weaknesses in his conduct. First of all, he is very patriotic.Later, in October 1996, our two companies had conflicts, of course, it was mainly me and him.We are very contradictory to each other. It turned out that I went to his company several times a day, but I didn't go there very often after that.At Christmas, I did something I couldn't have imagined, I wrote a greeting card and sent it straight to his desk, telling him I was pouring everything into his company from nothing Heartblood, now I am watching it grow up like a child with a joyful mood.This is indeed the case. From the beginning of the land contract to the final establishment of the company, almost all the work was done by me. In three years, I have a deep affection for this job.I wrote a sentence: "If you can call a friend who works hard for a common cause, please accept the blessing of a friend like me." I really want to clear up the misunderstanding between us. After the New Year, he invited several major partners to dinner, and I said, "I won't go if there are others." He understood right away, but he still didn't believe it.Because the gap between us is too big. Wei Hong shook his head in frustration. Then I don't know how it happened. He still has a family now.He won't make any changes because of me, and from my point of view, I don't want to destroy his family. Although there are deep conflicts between the husband and wife, they are a very stable combination to the outside world. any changes that may occur.He said he never thought about getting a divorce.We only talked about work at first, because there were very few people around who could really communicate with him.My mentality is old in a way, and he never felt there was any communication barrier between us.It's hard for someone like him to have the opportunity to express his feelings outside of work, and he's happy to be with me.I remember our first date alone was in January of this year, we went to the International Art Garden and ate several ice creams.I listened to him all the time and rarely spoke myself.I found that he, like me, cannot leave work in his life, and many emotions are also caused by work.I was very excited when we broke up that day. I walked back the way I was supposed to take a taxi. He came back from abroad in April and asked me out again.Spring may really be a season of love, and I thought it would be a pity not to be with the one I love in such a beautiful season.I already loved him by then.Willing to do almost everything for him.We went to Mediah that day and I told him I would love to be with him, he was very rational and calm, I knew he didn't mean the same thing as my friend, his reaction kinda hurt I.Later I found out that he was actually shocked because none of us thought of paying the money when he left.He went to make up for it a few days later.I was unwilling at the door that day, so I sat in the car and asked him, "Can I hold your hand?" I reached out to him, but he didn't respond at all.I drank a lot of spearmint at the time, and I was really brave. I said, "Just treat me as if I'm drunk after drinking, can you kiss me?" He hesitated for a long time.I said, "Forget it, I won't make things difficult for you." At this time he kissed me on the cheek.In this way, we have begun to have a real relationship between two people.Usually about ten days or so we will go out to chat, in some hotel bars. In August, he took his annual leave and asked me to go out to relax.I thought then that something might happen.And I have always been a good worker, and I have never asked for leave for my own affairs.This time was an exception, we went to Yanqing.A very quiet place.We sat on a big stone bench until after 11 o'clock in the evening before going back to our rooms.We originally opened two rooms, but he came to my room... Wei Hong lowered his head, but his voice was full of overflowing happiness. Everything happened naturally.I think it's a shame, both of us have families, and even though we really love each other, I'm still nervous.Afterwards he told me that he was also under a lot of psychological pressure, but he really couldn't control it, and he really liked me.This is the first time.I also feel very special pain, but it is bearable, and it is worth paying for him.I even told him that when he is old and his wife is gone, I will serve him. I am very happy with him, and of course sometimes I am ashamed to face my husband.At first he told me about his situation and made it clear that nothing could be changed.He probably thought that I was like the immature woman he had seen, and would ask for something from him later, but then he found that I really loved him and wanted nothing.I really never asked for a result.I once told him that after I divorced, I would be very lonely living alone, and I wanted a child from him, which would be a comfort and sustenance to me.He thought it was unbelievable at the time. He said: "How could I let a child live in this world without a title and a father? It is impossible for me not to be responsible for my child." He rejected me.But I still think so.I think I have the ability to take care of the child, but the child is suffering. If he wants to live in such a family with only a mother, I will tell him that his father is dead. I didn't expect that I would blurt out: "You are so cute." Regardless of whether Wei Hong's approach is correct in the eyes of most people, I am really moved by her idealism full of sacrifice.When a woman loves a man, she often In this way, brave, poignant and unreasonably otherworldly. I think he is really outstanding, and I should do everything for him.I knew it was destined to be a fruitless relationship, and it was almost impossible to divorce a good man and a father who loved his daughter.In fact, our development to the present is unpredictable, so I will persist no matter how hard it is.You might laugh at me if I say it.The car he drives is a black Audi. Whenever I see the same car on the street, I can't help but look at the license plate number, and I can't help but think it's him.He is everywhere in my life. When I turned off the interview machine, Wei Xun was still immersed in her feelings.I know what I said might hurt a woman who is in love, but I said it anyway.This kind of relationship is destined to be fragile, he can't give her any promises, her existence is always in private, away from the crowd, lover is a gloomy name, and it is also the first to be called at some so-called critical moments of a man. Abandoned role.Wei Hong listened silently. Wei Xun left a copy of a letter she wrote to the 46-year-old man, saying, "I feel nauseous." When we were saying "goodbye" on the side of the third ring road, a black Audi speeded past us, and Wei Xun's eyes were not on me. appendix: I would like to dedicate this to the three years in the wind and rain... You can't remember at all, when it was near noon on November 22, 1994, you walked into my life like this.I never expected that in the next three years, everything about ××× (company name) would be so integrated into my work, so affecting my soul and even dominating my life. I really watched it grow from scratch, from small to large, with great care.From weak to strong, I really envy the company's employees who have such a good development background and development opportunities, and its future is bright.Thanks to ××× for testing and improving my limited knowledge and experience, and thanks to ××× for opening such a brilliant page in my life. You are the most perfect man I have met in my long journey of growing up. Although you have weaknesses, you still have all the qualities that an outstanding person should have: patriotism, integrity, purity, erudition, Diligence, lofty aspirations and aspirations, generosity, patience, self-cultivation... It is not intentional to add all the praises to you, sometimes you will feel that you are not a living person of flesh and blood, but a tree of God in front of ordinary people You are a model and role model for being a teacher, and you cannot be treated in the same way as ordinary people.God is not fair, you have almost everything, while many people have nothing sadly; God is the fairest, you can get as much as you give.I have deep respect for you. You are like a mirror, reflecting the ugliness and selfishness in me with the integrity of body and mind.Revengeful, mentally dark.I am not a girl who is easy to feel inferior. My family and family background are the capital of my pride.But you know what?You often make me ashamed and under tremendous psychological pressure. I am proud, but you make me feel inferior and depressed everywhere! The distance between us is too great. According to secular standards, everything is too different: age, status, knowledge. According to the life trajectory of ordinary people, we can only be two parallel lines or two centrifugal circles, walking in different ways. It is impossible for the roads to meet together, but why is there such a situation?One hundred reasons tell me: work is work, and everyone has to walk as they should; but there are one hundred and one reasons to convince me: such an excellent person must not let go abandoned.Yes, the gap is too big, but one thing is very important. I always think that I can understand you, understand the heavy burden on your shoulders, understand the hardships of your business, and understand your patriotic heart. In your dedication, understand what you think in your noble heart. I often feel lonely, very lonely in my heart, and the heavy sense of responsibility and obligation makes me unable to live easily, and I am confused and unknowable about the future.I don't want to tell others what I really think in my heart, and I don't understand it when I tell it. This kind of age shouldn't be so serious.The reason why I keep writing diaries is probably because I can't communicate.And I am eager to communicate with you, just to listen to you quietly, the poor soul can always get great relief.You are a strong support in my life. I think I understand your mentality towards me: the first contact is because I am a good listener, you have a lot of things that you can’t talk to others, you need someone to listen to you, the listener’s reaction is not important , as long as she (he) is listening and can understand.Besides, it’s probably because my sincerity touched you. You didn’t like me or it was impossible to like me. As you said, you dismissed me, and even felt a little humiliation in my heart. It’s just your kindness that made me You just can't bear to say no.I'm so pitiful, there are people who are willing to spoil you and love you, but they want to pursue those things that are elusive.During that time, I was in great pain. When I talked with you calmly face to face, when I was far away from you but communicated with you with my heart, when you repeatedly appeared in my dreams in the silent night, I really didn’t know what it was More happiness or more pain?It's not easy to love someone!You said that I was brave enough to confess my love to you, but you knew that there was only one way for me at that time, and suffering in unrequited love was the same as being rejected. So, the latter is more concise and can end a story more quickly, I have been tortured beyond endurance!Confidence and courage to confess everything, of course, also have the courage to bear and face setbacks. The spring of 1997 was an unforgettable spring! You know most of me, but not all.The warmth from the bottom of my heart for you even moved me, and it was you who influenced me.I'm really not a good girl. I'm cold, despise and despise the relationship between men and women. I always think it's a stumbling block on the road of life. I can't be serious. It can only be used as an embellishment of life. I especially hate the pain caused by my temporary weakness and entering into marriage. .From my personal experience, it is difficult to have long-term love in this world.I like to socialize with boys, but once I understand his character, I find it boring, and I don't want to change. Now I can't forgive my fickleness and many wrong things I have done.I don't have confidence in our relationship, and I'm afraid that we will break up if it gets deeper. It's not because of you, but because of me. I know my character, and I'm too immature. I'm really afraid of hurting you, and I'm afraid of hurting what I once had A very beautiful section.If all the people who have been hurt before deliberately ignore it, only you can't!I don't want to bring you the slightest bit of unhappiness.I love you, you are like a glass of mellow wine, the longer the day, the stronger the aftertaste, always giving me a soul-stirring feeling.Really, a miracle happened, it happened to me - I used my life to love someone who was worthy of love.If you let me die, die for you, without hesitation.Now I can't live without you in my life. What is the basis of love?It's not love at first sight and mutual affection that I always thought before you. Now I know that the deep understanding and common belief of both parties is the most solid foundation for the attraction of the sexes. In addition, there is also the girl's look up to the boy. and worship.This is also the reason why I didn't expect that the dazzling sparks would be sparked after two years of acquaintance, right? To be fair, he said that the enthusiasm and patience for ××× was originally out of dedication, and if things were not done, they should be done as well as possible.Later, it became a habit, and once you get used to it, you have to keep doing it, so you really have to bear the pressure.I have something to reflect on, whether it is too unfair.But no matter what, I can't make trouble for you, I will bear what I can bear.You are too tired. It would be great if you had more competent middle-level cadres under your command. Generally speaking, the company's management is still a little tender and soft, and it is a bit raw to deal with problems.Just worrying about how your body can handle the stress and workload. I still remember the appearance of the two factories three years ago, the grass was desolate.A thousand days and nights have created an amazing story, really proud of you!Thousands of days accumulated wisdom, sweat and tears, and the leaves turned yellow, green, and yellow again; the potential of your company was accumulated and released, and emotions that I didn't realize were also accumulated.This unforgettable day!No matter what changes have taken place, only you remain the same in my heart, always occupying my empty heart like an idol.I cherish every minute with you, time is the most precious to me. There are many, many, many things, let me tell you face to face. Thank God!Let me walk with you for three years.I just don't know how long I can go in the future? I love you! November 20, 1997