Chapter 7 Chapter Eight I Can't Make Him Understand How I Feel

- Can't convince myself to get married Interview time: October 17, 1997 at 9:20 AM Interview location: Anton's home Name: Chen Ying Gender: Female Age: 24 years old Graduated with a bachelor's degree in journalism from a university. He used to be a company clerk and is now a reporter and editor for a magazine. Now there are too few people who can really "pain your pain, and enjoy your happiness" as the song sings—leaving a familiar place is not just a matter of walking away—I always think that Keep telling him and myself that our relationship is not the master of my life

The main part - we didn't love to the death, but we didn't part ways either - the more a woman loves a man, the more critical, meticulous and suspicious she becomes - I know in my heart that he is not the one who makes me drink cold water People who are hungry and willing to be together - I think marriage has made these women lose themselves faster and faster, and even completely become an even more mediocre role behind a mediocre man. I met Chen Ying through a male colleague. He said that she was an editor of a magazine, mainly responsible for emotional topics and entertainment content, and she wanted me to write some stories for her.He went on to say: "This girl is very special, she lives with her boyfriend now, they have a good relationship, but they just don't get married.

Our first appointment was on a windy morning in a clean Sichuan restaurant behind the Cathay Hotel. She ate little, spoke softly, and was extremely thin.That day she was almost an hour later than the agreed time, and he kept saying "I'm sorry", and his colleagues kept saying "it's all right".I think people who are not punctual should blame themselves, but my colleagues think that this is far from an unforgivable shortcoming for women, and besides, "Chen Ying is notorious for not being punctual."So in my mind, I regarded this 24-year-old girl in front of me as a person spoiled by many "good" men. I thought she must be the kind of girl who values ​​herself very much and requires others not to ignore her.

After that, we had occasional phone calls, usually on Friday nights, and the topic always started from the "oral memoir" that was published in the newspaper that day. Between a pair of lovers. So we both had the desire to have a decent talk. Chen Ying said: "There are a lot of things I keep in my heart, and it is not happy if I don't say it. " On October 17, 1997, it was almost half a year since we met, but that was the second time we met.I went to the station and waited for her to come to my house.A thin figure in the distance is bathed in the sunshine of the early autumn morning, her gray dress has a kind of solemnity and sentimentality, only a string of silver Tibetan ornaments on her neck is exaggeratedly shining very dazzling light .For a moment, just for a moment, she reminded me of the face Dora wrote about at the beginning of her novel: "The Broken Face".When Chen Ying's slender arm took mine, I immediately told myself how inappropriate this association was, but these words lingered.

Chen Ying's body sank deep into the couch, making her look even smaller and weaker.During the conversation, we drink water and eat snacks together, but when she speaks, she must keep her body slightly forward.The same posture of looking at each other until the three-hour conversation is completely over. I think I really understand those people you interviewed. It’s so strange that their experience is completely different from mine, but every time I watch this column, I feel the same way, and I even unconsciously guess what they look like. I quite believe in the saying that character determines destiny, and I think the fate of a person is all written in the expression, which is the most important part of appearance.For example, when I see you and say a few words to you, I will have a sense of trust. Slowly, I will have a desire to tell you something about myself. I think your appearance will tell me about you. can understand.I have many friends, and I often talk about each other's affairs, but I will never tell them what is deep in my heart.

I said that it must be because they are too close to each other, and they are involved in common interests.Chen Ying shook her head. Not quite.In fact, I think everyone is the same on this point. When it comes to their own privacy, they instinctively know what to say and what not to say, who to talk to and who not to talk to.I think the reason is very simple. Now there are too few people who can really "pain your pain and enjoy your happiness" as the song sings. Sometimes people's emotions are out of control, and some thoughts are almost impossible to suppress.A few days ago, this half month, I wanted to leave Beijing like crazy.I don’t have any reason to tell others. I just feel that my current life is so boring. Although many people envy my job, which is decent and interesting, I can’t find a sense of accomplishment. Before I came out, I started to plan the next issue again. There were always endless topic selections, and I always thought that the previous topic selection was not done well. I was always busy and always regretful. I made it so difficult that I didn’t even know who I was.For the past half month, I have been thinking about running away.There is a friend in Yueyang who owns a house and has a little money. He likes me very much for several years.I called him and asked him if he could give me a room and a comfortable life, so that I would stay at home every day, read books, watch VCDs, listen to music...do what I want to do instead of going to work, I said on the phone : "I really want you to support me!" He said no problem, he wished for it.I didn't expect that I would be so vulnerable, crying while talking.After that, he didn't call to ask me when I would go. He knew me very well, and he knew that I just said that and it was fine.

Chen Ying smiled slightly, and lightly brushed the hair that fell to both sides of her cheeks.The sunlight slanted on her shoulders through the glass of the balcony, and the down on her neck trembled in the light. In fact, I also know that I have never made up my mind to go.I am used to everything in Beijing and everything in my work, and it is not easy to leave a familiar place.That friend has been in a relationship for many years. He knows that the two of us are absolutely impossible, so he will not take my words too seriously, but I know that if I really go to him, he will definitely take me in, at least for now. There is also this grasp.Because of this relationship between us, I can tell him what I want to do, and I can also go back and forth at will.

There is no complacency in Chen Ying's expression, but I still feel a sense of superiority that is different from others. A woman who is loved by others is always something to be proud of. The weapon used to attack the people around you, no matter whether the retreat or the weapon is really reliable, anyway, in a woman's heart, the person who once loved her will love her forever.I asked Chen Ying if she had thought about it, if Yue Yang's friend already had a family or was unwilling to accept this kind of inconsistency, then what should I do?She raised her head and looked at me deeply.

No, he is not that kind of person. She looks away. In many cases, men are more specific than women, and this friend of mine is. Another reason why I don't leave Beijing is my current boyfriend.It stands to reason that he didn't restrict me, and once I really decided something, he didn't have the ability to restrict me at all.However, when I really want to change my living conditions.Can't help but think about him, even though I've always thought and told him and myself that our relationship isn't a major part of my life.Probably never will be.I know very well that I don't love him that much.Do you think I'm cruel when I say that?

I said it didn't matter if I sounded cruel or not cruel, but it probably made her boyfriend sound bad.Chen Ying smiled very shallowly, that indescribable smile was fleeting. I said the same to him, as if I had no fear of losing him because of it.Even sometimes I said this on purpose to see if he would just leave me like this, but he didn't, once or twice, I think it was because he didn't want to part with me, but he still didn't take it seriously when I said it a lot, so I said I feel that he has already determined that we are like this from the bottom of his heart, so no matter what I say, it is useless. For him, the facts are the most convincing. We did not love to the death, but we did not part ways. This is the fact.Now that I've stopped saying that, I'm too lazy to discuss our relationship.

We shared a pomelo. She peeled the fruit clean and crystal clear. She ate it very carefully and didn't look at me when she was talking.I can't help but wonder what kind of life this girl has.However, one thing is clear, her pursuit of exquisite life and meticulous feelings is reflected everywhere. I have been with my boyfriend for several years, but I don't want to get married.I don't think my love for him is strong enough to marry him.I guess I didn't meet someone attractive enough to leave him alone.In fact, my boyfriend is kind to me.This starts with my first love.That relationship was very unsuccessful, and I have always felt that the impact of the failure on me at that time was incalculable.Before my current boyfriend, I had a crush on someone that was downright desperate to say the least.I had just arrived in Beijing at that time. Chen Ying looked at me as if sorry, with a hint of embarrassment. I forgot to tell you that I am from Shijiazhuang.When I first arrived in Beijing, I was working in a company, and the house I lived in was borrowed from a friend of my mother's.If you imagine my situation at that time, it can be said that I had no relatives. I always wanted to work in a newspaper or magazine. At that time, I was very reluctant to be a company employee.one person. , lonely days and a job I didn't like, my mood was quite gloomy at the time.When I met him, he became my everything.Thinking about it now, he should be my sustenance. After all, there is someone I love, and there is a vague hope that I can't tell what it is, which is very hazy and beautiful.If he said he would marry me at that time, I would definitely marry him, because I can't think of any other way to make my life more colorful.The me at that time was different from the me now. I had no idea and was afraid to face life alone.So he is my everything.There is a word called "occupation", it is not an exaggeration to use it between us, of course it is mainly because he occupies me.But suddenly one day, he said it was impossible, we can only be good friends.I said I couldn't do it, and I really couldn't do it at the time.Think about it, a couple who love each other, without any obvious contradictions, without any reason to convince each other, were sweet yesterday, but today they suddenly say that they will become passers-by from now on, is it hard for people to accept it all at once?Moreover, I love him with all my heart and look forward to living with him.Love and not love, how can it be so simple and clear?However, any relationship must be two-way, just like two people working together to do one thing, if one party refuses to cooperate, then no matter how hard the other party works, it will not help.But at that time, I didn’t understand these things. I just wanted to save our relationship. I couldn’t figure out why I loved him so much. I couldn’t bear to live without him. I tried everything I could. pole.During that time I have been expressing how much I love him.However, his reaction was completely different from mine.I called him, but he didn't answer; I called his mobile phone, but he didn't turn it on; I waited at his door, but he didn't come home.I am really desperate.At that time, his older sister lived in the same house with me, and she often brought news of him, but I couldn't find him no matter what.My mood was particularly conflicted. I wanted to know about him, but I felt uncomfortable. If I didn’t inquire about it, I couldn’t help it.I became a little moody and would cry every now and then.Just torture yourself like this.Looking back now, it was probably the bleakest day of my life. Chen Ying fell into silence.I motioned for her to drink some juice.She picked up the cup silently, and drank very slowly, sip by sip.The room was very quiet, and even the small friction sound of the interview machine could be heard.After about five or six minutes like this, Chen Ying put down her cup and straightened her long hair that fell randomly on her shoulders, as if she also sorted out her own mood at the same time.Then, keep talking. I had a serious illness and then lost my job.I was living off my meager savings.His sister moved away by then.Such a lonely opportunity, my current boyfriend is by my side, really silently doing everything for me.My mood is extremely unstable, scolding him, driving him away, he doesn't care about me.I don't know why I treat him so badly. Sometimes when I look back, I think it's because I've been very disappointed in the so-called love. Anyway, I don't expect to have any new beginnings. Let him go.I don't know how he can tolerate me so much, and I bully him casually.Later we got better, I asked him, and he said that because he loves me, he doesn't care what happens to me.I have also exchanged similar questions with other friends. I found that women are different from men. When a man falls in love with a woman, he will be very tolerant. On the contrary, when a woman falls in love with a man, the deeper she loves, the more picky, meticulous, and suspicious she will become, and she will repeatedly ask the man to prove that she loves her as much, otherwise it will be unbalanced. After I recovered from my illness, he took me everywhere to interview and find a job.At that time, I made up my mind that I must find a job that I like.He is also very attentive, as long as he is an editor and reporter, he urges me to prepare personal materials and encourages me. Even if I become very tired after doing this many times, he still encourages me until I Up to now, this magazine has been an editor.I know he did all this because he likes me, do you think I can still refuse him?We made it a matter of course and established a relationship.But I know that I will never be able to use as much energy on him as before. Chen Ying threw a piece of whipped skin that had been rubbed countless times on the newspaper at her feet. Looking from the side, there were tears in her eyes. I often think, is it because my first love has exhausted all my strength to love someone, is it because I will no longer love someone wholeheartedly since that time?I can't figure it out.But I know very well that I have never been selflessly in love with my current boyfriend, even though we live an intimate life like a husband and wife like all lovers who are ready to marry.I couldn't make him understand what kind of mood I was in, so maybe I became quite unreasonable.It may also be because I know in my heart that he is not the person I love the most, and I even think that even if he leaves me, I will not be too sad, so I think that I can treat him whatever I want, and everything is self-centered.For example, sometimes, I want to watch the video, and he wants to rest, so I drive him away; sometimes he is not there, but I suddenly hope he is there, so I call him and say you must come now, I remember once Once, he said it was midnight, and I said I don't care, if you don't come, I'll sit at the door of the building and wait.I also know that I am unreasonable, even domineering.But there is no way, I can't control myself by then.I can't tell, picking and tossing him may be because he is not satisfied with the current state, and I can't just say why you are not the one who asked me to go with you no matter the cost. Chen Ying stopped and looked at me with inquiring eyes. I didn't know whether I should express an attitude at this time, so I had to look at her with the same eyes.She nodded to me very understandingly, and continued speaking. In fact, I don't want to hear how you comment on my behavior. Many friends think that I am a bit sick. I can't tell them my reason, and they won't understand it.But I read your interviews, especially the state of the woman you wrote who was picky about her husband and ran away from home again and again. I feel that I understand her very well, and I think you must understand me.And I'm very glad that I'm not married yet. If all my current feelings are after marriage, then I'm probably even more extreme than that woman. Really, I know it myself.A while ago, because of a business, he invested almost all his money, including me.One day I went out for an interview, and when I came back I was very tired, and I had run out of money, so I asked him to go out to dinner with me, and he said he only had 20 yuan left.I was in a hurry, so it was useless to scold him.I said that you are really capable. I work hard outside and it is not difficult to support myself. Now that I am with you, I can't even eat a meal.He walked away without a word that day.I know his ego has been terribly hurt.Thinking about it afterwards, I actually understood that we would have money as soon as the contract was signed. It was just a coincidence that we were embarrassed on this day. I was anxious not because of the money, but because I knew in my heart that he It's not the person who makes me drink cold water and is willing to be with me even when I'm hungry.So I couldn't convince myself to get married. The house I live in is rented by myself, and the condition is not very good, but at least it is my personal space.My boyfriend's family has a house, and his family is also urging us to get married, but I have never made such a decision.I once told him that even if we are really married and live in his house, I must keep such an independent space of my own, I want to keep a distance from him, and let myself keep some opportunities to be alone , This does not mean that the two people are alienated. I think that only by keeping a proper distance can the marriage be stable. If the two parties penetrate too much into each other, they will tend to disintegrate because of too much understanding. While listening to Chen Ying, I thought of Virginia Woolf's famous works.I didn't ask Chen Ying if she had read this book, but everything she expressed coincided with some of the contents expressed by the very self-confessed female writer who ended her life in the end.Perhaps this can be regarded as a direct manifestation of the independent consciousness of the new generation of professional women. I feel uncomfortable when I see women who are slightly haggard and calm after marriage.I feel that marriage has caused these women to lose themselves faster and faster, until they are completely mediocre characters behind mediocre men.I think it is very dangerous to love someone, that kind of love is so strong that it will almost destroy you and the other person, if one party refuses to be destroyed, the other party will be broken in love; if both parties are willing to die together and enter into marriage, this is This kind of marriage must be a kind of beauty that survives a desperate situation.I have also longed for such a marriage, a person who I am willing to dedicate myself to, but I have not met so far. I used to want to marry my first boyfriend and he turned me down.In fact, if I met him under the current conditions, I might not be so persistent.Now this boyfriend really wants to marry me, but I can't make up my mind.I want to wait a little longer, but of course I don't know what to expect, I'm just not reconciled. Chen Ying looked at her watch and suddenly exclaimed: "Oh, I forgot that there is a meeting at noon, so I have to hurry back to work." Indeed, three full hours had passed between talking.She still seems to have more to say. "But I have to go, you know girl When people cannot confirm love, the only thing they can do is work. "She laughed, obviously, she took such a helpless remark as a kind of humor. When I sent Chen Ying away, I packed a small bag of biscuits for her. I thought she must have no time for lunch.