Chapter 14 2. Getting to know each other-2

However, when I was happy, I had no idea that complex political factors would permeate every cell of my life.At this time, my relationship with Guanhua was gradually revealed in the leadership of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs.Soon, I was under great pressure. My "friend" and the "Tongtian figure" of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs issued a warning to me, saying that Chairman Mao encouraged me and congratulated me on liberating myself, and hoped that I would do a good job for him in the future. Work didn't make me jump on Master Joe's boat right away to make love to him and marry him.say

The meaning is that my indulgence of emotion makes the chairman very disappointed and angry.I was stunned by this unexpected message, and my short-lived happiness was washed away by this sudden attack.I fell back into a deep bewilderment, wondering why I had to sacrifice my own life for so-called career success.I can't figure out if that's really what Chairman Mao meant.The chairman at that time was already in his later years, and many words were "conveyed" by others, and no one could check the authenticity.It is no longer possible for me to sit around a hot pot with Chairman Mao and ask him for advice like I did in the 1960s. In the 1970s, every time I met the chairman, it was arranged by others.What to say and what not to say are also instructed in advance.How can I pour out my inner emotions to the chairman?I didn't want to tell Guanhua these words, so I had to avoid and alienate him again.This caused Guanhua another pain.Many years later, when the two of us survived the catastrophe and were neglected and abandoned by the officialdom, Guanhua was terminally ill, but we exchanged this high price for nearly five years, getting along day and night, inseparable, and deeply affectionate.I once said to Guanhua with emotion that our tragedy is that neither of us understands politics, but we got involved in absurd politics in the absurd years.If we were ordinary people back then, we could have had at least twenty years, or even more happy times.

Just when I was hesitating again, something happened that made me finally make up my mind. No matter how much resistance there is in front of me, I will link my destiny with Guanhua.It was around the end of March, and I participated in a visit from an Asian head of state.That evening, Chairman Mao met with him.After the meeting, we went to the Great Hall to sort out the records and waited to see the film samples of Chairman Mao's meeting.All written and photographic records of Chairman Mao's meeting at that time were not overnight.No matter how late the chairman met, the records were all rushed out overnight.I remember that when former Philippine President Marcos visited, Chairman Mao met with him at night.After the meeting, we worked all night to sort out the records and it was early the next morning.It was Sunday, and the Marcoss believed in God deeply. We temporarily arranged the venue for Sunday mass on the lawn of the Presidential Building of the State Guesthouse where he lived.When we stayed up all night and finished sorting out the minutes of Chairman Mao's meeting, we pushed open the window with our tired bodies, and we happened to look down on the president and his party praying on the lawn.At that time, I suddenly felt that people were struggling with their own beliefs.

This time it was about three o'clock in the morning when all the work was over.I first went back to the ministry and handed over the transcript to the duty room for copying.As soon as I got to the third floor, I saw the duty secretary anxiously visiting at the door.As soon as he saw me going upstairs, he hurried up to meet me as if seeing a savior and said, "Oh, Comrade Zhang Hanzhi, you are here. We are looking for you everywhere!" I hurriedly asked what happened.Secretary Li said that Guanhua had called me countless times since around twelve o'clock, saying that he couldn't find me anywhere, and asked the duty room where I was.A few times later, he was obviously drunk and couldn't speak clearly.The receiver fell off halfway through the last speech.He was the only one in the duty room, he couldn't go away, he called everywhere but couldn't find me, he was so anxious that he couldn't do anything, he said, "I'm afraid that Minister Qiao would drink too much and have an accident." Call me a duty shuttle bus to see Guanhua's house in Baofang Hutong.When I arrived in a hurry, Guanhua's nanny opened the door.She first pointed out to me the empty Moutai bottle on the desk in the study. She said that after Guanhua came back from the meeting, she couldn't find me on the phone, so she started drinking, and finally got drunk, and the receiver fell to the ground.The nanny said she was terrified and took great pains to help him back to the bedroom.I hurried to the bedroom to see that Guanhua was lying on his back on the bed, with one arm covered with the sleeve of his dressing gown made from a military blanket issued during the War to Resist US Aggression and Aid Korea.The robe was thrown casually around the body.He seemed to be asleep, and was still muttering in his mouth.I felt unspeakably sad, I never thought that a person like him who has experienced so much wind and rain would be so emotionally fragile, just because he couldn't find me one night, he used alcohol to drown his sorrows, and got drunk like this .I gently woke him up, and I said, "I'm here, I'll meet with the chairman tonight. I've been in the hall since then, I didn't know you were looking for me. Get up, change your clothes and go to bed!" Guanhua opened his eyes dimly. Open your eyes and look at me.Suddenly he grabbed my hand and said inarticulately: "Don't leave me! Don't hide from me!" My heart was very sad, and my eyes were wet again.I knew he was drunk, but just because he was drunk, he would tell the truth after drinking.I said, "You're drunk, you shouldn't be drinking so much, it's bad for your health. I'll help you up." When I helped him stand up, I realized that he had put his right arm into the left sleeve of the dressing gown , I helped him get dressed, he seemed to be much more awake now.I asked the nanny to give him a cup of hot water to drink, and then wiped his face with a hot towel.Guanhua still grabbed my hand very emotionally and said: "I couldn't find you, I was flustered. Now that I see you, I'm fine. Go back and rest soon! Tell me wherever you go in the future." .”

I came out of Guanhua's residence and went straight back to the Diaoyutai State Guesthouse.Negotiations will continue the next morning.It was almost dawn, and I was exhausted, and I wanted to hurry back and sleep for a few hours.Unexpectedly, when I arrived at the hotel room, Xiao Tang, who was in the same room as me, was waiting for me with his eyes open on her bed.I wondered why she woke up so early.She looked tired, but she still said jokingly: "Master Qiao tortured me all night and almost killed me. I'll settle the score with you! But, you can wait for a while, and go and give it to me quickly." He should make a call, I'm afraid Master Qiao won't be able to find you again and will jump off the building!" I told Xiao Tang what happened just now, and I asked her why she was thrown into it.Xiao Tang couldn't help laughing while telling me the story of her being tormented.she said the night before

Because the chairman meets foreign guests, Xiao Tang and the others have no tasks, so it is relatively easy.She had been tired for many days and wanted to have a good night's sleep, so she took sleeping pills after ten o'clock.But just after an hour of sleep, he was woken up by the duty officer and said, "Minister Qiao wants to talk to you."When Xiao Tang answered the phone, Guanhua was still awake. He asked Xiao Tang where I was.Xiao Tang said that the chairman will meet, and he will probably be back soon.After answering the phone, Xiao Tang went back to sleep.Unexpectedly, Guanhua started drinking after looking for me many times and couldn't find him.Feeling drunk, he asked the comrades on duty to find Xiao Tang again.After going back and forth like this for two or three times, Xiao Tang not only couldn't sleep anymore, but also couldn't sleep because of taking sleeping pills. She already had a stomach problem. I'm going back.

I was very embarrassed and apologized to Xiao Tang repeatedly.She said: "Forget it, forget it. In the future, when you get married, you can just buy me more candies. But, don't torture Master Joe like this anymore. He has so much work to do every day. How can you bear it if you torture him like this again?" He really has feelings for you. This love is very precious, so don't think about it any more." I was very grateful to Xiao Tang, and I said that if we were not in the environment of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, maybe everything would be much simpler.Xiao Tang was very optimistic. She said that most people in the Ministry of Foreign Affairs admired Master Qiao and would be happy for him.

After this happened, I knew that I couldn't change the love between Guanhua and me.No matter how skillfully he controls diplomatic skills and means on the diplomatic stage, in the emotional world he is as pure as a boy in first love, and as fragile as a floret cultivated in a greenhouse.I can no longer hurt his sincere and kind heart.In those days, I was full of self-blame to myself.In the eyes of almost everyone, my marriage with Guanhua is a sign that I have become a top-notch Chinese diplomat who is well-known both at home and abroad, and thus wear the crown of his "wife".Few people know that my contradiction at that time was exactly the opposite, whether I could give up the political opportunities I faced and be willing to share the glory and sorrow with Guanhua.I've never been a politically ambitious person, but I'm not free from many, many personal concerns.Since the day I entered the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, I have had a unique identity, because I was transferred to the Ministry by Chairman Mao himself, which naturally gave me a dazzling halo.Later, attending the first meeting of the UN General Assembly was decided by the chairman himself; the people I interacted with the most were "Tongtian figures".If I do not combine with Guanhua, the opportunity waiting for me may be my own vigorous career, and I am confident that I have this ability.The reason why I retreated emotionally towards Guanhua was because I couldn't make such a choice.But after Guanhua got drunk late at night, I realized that the most precious thing in life is true love.I finally made up my mind that I will accompany Guanhua for the rest of my life even if I risk the world's disapproval.

After Guanhua got my final promise, his joy was great.It was as if he had changed.He smiled at everyone, he tolerated all mistakes, his face was flushed.The news of our love affair quickly spread throughout the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Beijing like a flood that broke a bank.Naturally, as we expected, all kinds of gossip news came out all at once.Perhaps it was precisely because it was an era when culture was exhausted and life was tasteless, so Guanhua and my love news became a rare condiment, making people talk about it after boring work.But what came straight to our ears were many friendly wishes.Many comrades in the Ministry of Foreign Affairs have expressed this sentiment.Although more than three years later, there are many examples of those who congratulated us warmly who jumped on the stage and cursed our union as "political complicity", but I still want to believe that their wishes were sincere. The freaks bred by political life in the 1970s were human hypocrisy and treachery.I have seen too much in the experience of the next few years, which makes me feel that the official career is daunting.I just hope this is forever a nightmare of the past.Guanhua and I are already victims of this kind of politics, and we hope that our next generation will get rid of this shadow forever.

After this emotional storm, Guanhua and I ushered in the warm spring of April 1973.In the past year, under the personal command of Chairman Mao and Premier Zhou, the diplomatic front has also achieved fruitful results. In February 1972, after Nixon's visit to China, China and the United States decided to establish liaison offices with each other.In September of that year, Prime Minister Tanaka of Japan visited China, and China and Japan established diplomatic relations.The opening of diplomatic relations between the United States and Japan changed the entire strategic situation of the world at that time.China's diplomacy has experienced an unprecedented period of flourishing flowers, and China's relations with Southeast Asian countries have begun to

Negotiations on the establishment of diplomatic relations.Among the series of diplomatic achievements, in April of this year, Comrade Liao Chengzhi was invited to lead a large friendly delegation to visit Japan. At the same time, Comrade Han Xu was ordered to go to Washington to set up a Chinese liaison office in the United States.Correspondingly, the U.S. government sent Assistant Secretary of State Jenkins to Beijing to discuss the establishment of a U.S. Liaison Office in China at the same time.Guanhua is very excited about the achievements of his dedicated diplomatic career, and he is also very busy.Although we rarely meet each other, there is a beautiful song in our hearts.He is really a very emotional person, because he is busy, he can’t see me, he will stand in front of the window facing the street in his office when the cadres get off work at noon, and wait for me to pick up my bicycle after get off work and go home for dinner to look at my back .Once, when it was raining continuously in spring, he called at night and said: "I saw that the raincoat you were wearing was too short at noon today. You couldn't stop the rain when you were riding a bicycle, and you were going to catch a cold. Besides, it was very ugly. Buy a long one. Really I hate that I don’t have freedom, otherwise I’ll go shopping with you.” I laughed at him for being too ignorant of people’s sentiments, because it was a new product launched in the commodity market with few varieties at that time, and raincoats were divided into tops and rain pants.I'm close to home, and it doesn't rain too much, so I don't need rain pants.Guanhua said what kind of new invention is that?Wearing rain pants must be bloated and even more ugly, so don't wear them!These phone calls have added a lot of joy to his life and to me.At that time, the negotiations between Guanhua and Jenkins of the United States were relatively smooth. He was happy and wrote the first three sentences of a doggerel, and read it to me and other comrades who participated in the negotiations, saying that he was asking for the fourth sentence.At that time, China and Japan had established diplomatic relations, and Comrade Liao Chengzhi was leading the largest delegation to visit Japan after the establishment of diplomatic relations. April in Japan coincided with the blooming season of Yae cherry blossoms; on the other side of the world, Comrade Han Xu happened to be discussing the establishment of a liaison office in Washington. In 1620, about 100 believers who were persecuted by religion in the United Kingdom traveled across the ocean on a ship named "May Flower" and came to the North American continent. Landed at Portsmouth and became the earliest British colonizer in the New England area of ​​North America), so the first three limericks of Guanhua are as follows: Mr. Liao under the Yae Sakura, Mayflower Chinese and Korean big brother. Rejoice Jenkins, ... He asked who could think of a good sentence to fill in the last line.At that time, everyone was chattering, some said "Master Qiao with a happy brow", and some said "Master Qiao who is proud of himself", Guanhua couldn't say well.It was put aside for a while.Unexpectedly, one day later, Chairman Mao called a meeting to report on the Sino-US negotiations.That day, Chairman Mao was in high spirits and everyone was relaxed.Some people said that the diplomatic situation was very good, Master Qiao became very popular with poetry, and wrote three doggerel lines, but unfortunately the fourth line was missing.Chairman Mao immediately said, "I'll fill in the last two sentences for Master Qiao!" Everyone agreed in unison.The chairman smiled and said: "Master Qiao, your first two sentences are: 'Mr. Liao under Yae Sakura, the elder brother of Mayflower China and South Korea.' Now I will fill in the last two sentences for you: 'Mo Dao, I have a small career, and I sell newspapers in Beijing. Make a lot of money!' What do you think?" Everyone present understood this story, so everyone laughed heartily and said that the chairman's two sentences are really clever!It turned out that Chairman Mao was talking about Guanhua's experience during the climax of the "Cultural Revolution". In 1967, the foreign affairs mouth rebels set off a climax of "Down with Chen, Ji, and Qiao".They forced Comrade Ji Pengfei and Guanhua to sell rebel tabloids in the bustling city center with the content of beating themselves down.The place Guanhua assigned to sell newspapers was in front of Wangfujing Department Store.In the first two days, there were rebels who wanted to sell it.Later, the "rebel fighters" thought it was troublesome, so they assigned a stack of tabloids to Guanhua, and ordered him to go back to report and pay the money after they were sold out.At the beginning, Guanhua had talked well with the rebels, saying that he was still a vice minister of foreign affairs representing the Chinese government, and that it would be disrespectful for the country to show up in Wangfujing to sell tabloids that knocked him down.Of course the rebels would not accept it.Therefore, when the "rebel fighters" no longer supervised, Guanhua immediately came up with a good solution.He counted the copies of the tabloids and calculated the total price at two cents a piece, the amount he should pay.As soon as the rebels who escorted him out of sight, he found a corner of the street, put the whole stack of tabloids on the ground, and then slipped away, looking for a secluded tavern to drink beer.Two hours later, he walked slowly back to the ministry, handing over the change he got in small bills from the tavern to the rebels, claiming it was from selling newspapers, and each time he would pay a few cents more.Therefore, the rebels said sarcastically: "You revisionist would sell newspapers to make money!" Later, the joke that "Master Qiao Wangfujing sells newspapers to make money" was widely circulated in the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, and even Chairman Mao knew about it.The chairman humorously filled it into Guanhua's doggerel, making it a masterpiece. Those weeks in April 1973 were probably the happiest I can remember.Although there is still resistance to my union with Guanhua, it is mainly the opposition of his children.At that time, Guanhua hoped that patience and time would gain their understanding, but unfortunately it did not come true.In fact, it is very common for children to object to their parents' remarriage in China, whether it is in the families of ordinary people or in the families of senior cadres. common occurrence.There is nostalgia for the deceased father or mother, but it is undeniable that there is also the issue of financial interests.Especially in high-ranking families, the actual privilege is a great temptation.Regrettably, a common social phenomenon has become a public opinion because it happened in Qiao Guanhua's home.All of a sudden, the story of Guanhua's house turned upside down and the news that his children evacuated the house without consulting him at the end of September spread almost all over the capital.Originally, it would have ended here, but later when Guanhua and I were in adversity, the family dispute many years ago was artificially added political color overnight, and became "the son objected to the father's marriage because he saw clearly To make a political mistake", so the move for economic interests also became righteous, resolutely left home, and drew a clear line.No one has seriously checked that during the first half of 1973, Guanhua worked under the direct leadership of Premier Zhou. What political boundaries could be drawn?All this is now a thing of the past.What comforts Guanhua is that his beloved daughter has a happy family, and because she treats family issues without political purpose, I believe she is coming to a fair judgment on those past events.We don't have much contact but I believe we understand each other and I already consider her my friend and part of my family. In the spring of 1973, Guanhua and I were full of hope for the future.I joined the Ministry of Foreign Affairs in March 1971.At that time, the political environment of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs was probably the best in the country. The turmoil and disasters in the early stage of the "Cultural Revolution" have basically been corrected by this time, and the leaders of the party group and the ministry are basically veteran cadres with rich diplomatic experience.The same goes for ambassadors abroad.Premier Zhou personally leads the internal and external affairs of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs.In such a favorable political atmosphere, since Kissinger’s secret visit to China in July 1971, Sino-US and Sino-Japanese relations have been quickly opened up, and China’s legal seat in the United Nations has been restored... The whole department is very united and very happy .Guanhua and I hope that a happy family life will give us new impetus to devote our whole lives to this flourishing diplomatic cause. However, just when we are full of longing for the future, a political turmoil is quietly hitting us.It may have been brewing for a while, but Guanhua and I were overwhelmed by the sudden change.At the beginning, it was a very ordinary diplomatic situation analysis report, which was said to have errors, and then it seemed that "Right" tendencies and mistakes were discovered on many major issues.Premier Zhou was pointed at, but Guanhua was a representative of the Ministry, and he seemed to be responsible for these "mistakes".Guanhua was unprepared and nervous.At this time, fate seems to have designed a good relief for me. In mid-June, when I returned from a tour of South Asia with a delegation, I fell ill and rested at home.My father had gone to Hong Kong a month ago at the age of 93 according to Chairman Mao's instructions, and worked hard for the last time for the reunification of Taiwan and the mainland of the motherland.The house repair department took advantage of my father's absence in Beijing to overhaul the house, and I temporarily lived in the reception room at the door.One day at noon, Guanhua rushed to see me after get off work without calling me.I guess something big happened, because usually he has to go home at noon for a lunch break.Without waiting for me to ask him, Guanhua said to me with a confused look: "The party group meeting this morning conveyed something related to you, and you have to decide for yourself. The chairman instructed us last night that we should train female diplomats." , a female ambassador. He named his teacher Zhang as the first Chinese female ambassador and could be sent to English-speaking countries like Canada. This is naturally a rare opportunity for you. You will be very successful. I just don’t know about us What should I do?" I was stunned for a moment, and I couldn't believe it was true, and at that time, I would usually be greeted by "Tongtian friends" first, but this time I didn't know anything about it.When I faced Guanhua, he didn't seem to have any expression, but I knew that his heart was churning.How much he hopes that we will have our own home soon, but due to his status, if I am sent abroad, he will naturally not be able to go with me.We will be separated for a long time in three to five years, and Guanhua will be sixty years old that year. Whether right or wrong decisions in my life are always governed by my own emotions.At this moment, when I figured out that this was not a joke, I almost didn't think about weighing the gains and losses, so I blurted out and said to Guanhua: "I can't go abroad to work. Since I made a promise to you, I will abide by my own emotional choices. You are not young and I will not leave you. If there is one person between the two of us who needs to make a career sacrifice for love, it is of course me. I am very confident in my abilities, but I will never come close to your achievements anyway. So I will willingly put your career first. I know you need me, and I also have a lot of things to do when I stay in China." Guan Hua's eye sockets are moist He admitted excitedly: "I was very confused this morning, and I didn't know what to do. Your heart is too pure! I'm afraid I'm too selfish!" I said, "I've been short of warmth since I was a child. No. I cherish the love you gave me very much. This is enough!" Guanhua looked at me silently, took off his glasses, and wanted to wipe the tears rolling in his eyes.I took his handkerchief and wiped away his tears. I said, "Didn't you say that because of this love, you don't have to be this minister? These are all external things? Now that you've convinced me, I don't have to be this female ambassador." .” Later, Guanhua said that this was the chairman's instruction and his concern for me, how could he not accept it?I said that this matter can only be reported to the chairman by myself.In the first half of my life, I received a lot of care from Chairman Mao. This is the only time that I did not arrange my own life and career according to the chairman's instructions.Chairman Mao must have been unhappy, maybe because he responded to his criticism of me, I am just "not promising".Many years have passed, when everything twenty years ago has become a relic of history, when I have lost Guanhua, lost my once prosperous career, and left me alone alone, I also once Looking back on the year full of bitterness, I don’t know if I had made another choice twenty years ago, what would happen today?Cruel fate seems to have played tricks on me from the day I was born! The summer of 1973 was an "eventful summer".Just when I was facing all kinds of pressure, my father passed away in Hong Kong in the early morning of July 1st.Two days before that, on June 29, Premier Zhou informed me that Hong Kong reported that my father was critically ill.The Prime Minister immediately instructed to form a medical team and send a special plane to escort my father back to Beijing immediately, asking us to leave on July 2.But at around 3:00 a.m. on July 1, Guanhua called me, and the duty room of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs first notified him of his father's death.I woke up from my sleep when the phone rang, and I immediately felt that something was wrong.I picked up the phone, and Guanhua's heavy voice came.To this day, I still clearly remember him saying: "I tell you some sad news, you must bear it. Xing Lao just passed away in Hong Kong. I am calling the driver now, and I will come to accompany you immediately." This is what I expected , but I still can't accept this reality.I trembled and cried, and I said, "It's only one day away, why didn't you wait until Niuniu and I went! He loves Niuniu the most!" Guanhua said, "Don't get too excited, the old man is ninety-three years old after all. .I'll be right there!" At this point, I was a little more sober, and I insisted that he didn't have to come to see me, and that I would calm down.At that time, Guanhua was under great political pressure, had to "review", and was busy with work. He came to my place in the early morning to accompany me until dawn, and it was inevitable that he would gossip again. We were not married at that time.Guanhua couldn't resist me, and sighed, "You are so brave and decisive in some things, but you are so worried about some things!" After hanging up Guanhua's phone, he immediately received a call from the duty room, saying that Premier Zhou had instructed Comrade Lianlian to do the work. The representative and his family went to Hong Kong to take care of his father's funeral.A memorial service will be held in Hong Kong first, and the ashes will be brought back to Beijing by a special plane before a formal memorial service will be held.The duty room also informed me that a preparatory meeting for the funeral committee would be held in the CPPCC auditorium that afternoon. After putting down the phone, I didn't know what to do, and my heart was in a panic.I've always thought my father wasn't much involved in my life.Now that he has really left, I suddenly feel that I am his daughter. His passing has caused the world in my heart to collapse.I lay on the bed with my eyes open, waiting for dawn, and all the past events between my father and I emerged.There has never been a father-daughter relationship between us, because when I was a child, he went to Chongqing, the rear area; after the victory of the Anti-Japanese War, he returned to Shanghai and lived with Mrs. Yin. I only saw him by chance when I came back from school in the afternoon.My boyhood was extremely lonely.My father is busy with his legal duties and entertainment, and my mother is busy with socializing, playing mahjong almost every day until dawn.I go to school in the morning and she just goes to bed.When I leave school in the afternoon, she is on the mahjong table or going out to dinner.Lonely, I often sit on the roof platform for hours reading novels, watching the sky, and watching birds flying freely.My greatest joy on Sunday morning was going to the Catholic Church on Changle Road.Home to me is just a noisy house, and only the priest's sermon and the singing of the choir bring me peace and dreams. After I moved to Beijing with my mother in 1949, I lived in the same family with my father every day.But I can no longer cultivate the kind of love between father and daughter, mother and daughter.I was quickly involved in the torrent of revolution, wanting to go to Korea to fight a war, and to build a hydropower station in Sanmenxia.As long as it is for the sake of the revolution, I will not miss this home without much warmth.In the early 1960s, it was Chairman Mao who taught me to treat my father correctly. He said that blood relationship is not the only basis for determining closeness between people, and I should not forget my father's kindness in nurturing me.Now, when I realize that I will never see my father again, I remember all the little things he cared for me.When I was in college, Premier Zhou visited my father once, and my father gave the Premier a photo of me, asking him to take care of me.Later, the prime minister's secretary called the school to inquire about my situation.After I found out, I was very angry with my father. I said that I didn’t want to be the daughter of a democrat and be taken care of. I wanted to be a member of the Communist Party and walk my own path.In his later years, my father wanted to make up for the relationship between us, but he didn't know what to do for me. In 1972, my father was seriously ill once and stayed in Beijing Hospital. For a period of time, he was unconscious. I went to see him every day.After his condition improved, one day, I gave him dumplings made at home.After my father finished eating, he asked me to sit by his bed and said to me very emotionally: "I am very sick this time, and I have something to say to you. I feel sorry for you. Among your three older brothers, You have never seen the second brother, he died too early, he is very smart, what a pity! The third brother lives with you, you know he is mentally ill, and he died early. Your eldest brother is the one I spent the most effort on He was always by my side, but he never accomplished anything in his life. Zhang Mei went to Hong Kong with her mother since she was a child, and I didn't care about it. In the end, you were the only one who had a future in the Zhang family. But I didn't do anything for you Do something, you rely on your own hard work to become a talent. At this age, you are the most comforting person. At last, I am lucky. In the future, your elder brother and your younger sister will need you to take care of them.” This is the first time I Seeing his father being emotional, he didn't know how to answer for a while.My father and I have never had such an honest conversation, I just want him to rest.He was completely deaf at that time, so I wrote it down for him to reassure him that I would live up to his expectations.He nodded in relief.All these were trivial things in life at the time, but now that my father has been away for twenty years, I feel that it is fortunate that he got some comfort from that conversation. In the early morning, Guanhua called again and asked if I had any sleep.I lied and said I was asleep.He didn't believe it, and said he would come again.I said I have a lot to do, no need.I'm going to Hong Kong the next day, maybe I won't see him at night, and I have to go to school to pick up Niuniu.I said I would be back in a week and asked him to take care. This afternoon, I went to the CPPCC auditorium to hold a meeting of the funeral committee.It began to rain, and it fell heavily.At around four o'clock in the afternoon, when the meeting ended, it was already pouring rain outside, and the sky was very overcast.I think my father was, after all, a figure who had made some extraordinary achievements in modern Chinese history, so God mourned his passing!Father is a very kind person in essence.How much money in his life has been in his hands, but he himself has nothing to do.Once he said to Premier Zhou: "I have neither real estate nor real estate all my life, and I am also your proletariat!" And how many people in need he has done his best in his life!I remember that after liberation, he lived on his wages, and his mother restricted him from helping others.But my father always had some way to get some "private money" from other rich friends to put in the desk drawer. When old friends who were struggling or young people who asked for help came to him, he was always generous.I remember that after the news of my father’s death was published in the newspaper, a middle-aged man came to the door one day. When he entered the door, he knelt down and cried bitterly in front of his father’s portrait, saying, “Master, I’m late, and I didn’t see you for the last time!” Later, he told me In the mid-1950s, he was a young man under the age of twenty.In order to seek opportunities for further study, he traveled thousands of miles from his hometown of Changsha, Hunan to Beijing to find his father.It was the March 9th weather, and Beijing was very cold, but he was still wearing a thin cotton coat from the south.His father not only met him, but also had a long talk with him, thinking that he had great prospects for training.In the end, his father not only subsidized his accommodation and living expenses, but also gave him his cotton robe to keep out the cold.Later, my father wrote to Comrade Yang Xiufeng, the Minister of Education at the time, recommending this young man to go to university.A few years later, he was assigned to a provincial Academy of Social Sciences for research work.I rushed to Beijing immediately after seeing the news of my father's death in the newspaper, but the memorial service has already passed. Thinking of these past events, I stood on the steps outside the CPPCC Auditorium, watching the pouring rain, feeling unspeakably melancholy.I was abandoned by my biological parents shortly after I was born. Mr. Shizhao (Xingyan) took me back to his home and gave me this colorful life ever since.Why didn't I realize that I owed him so much until he passed away! I was alone in a corner, waiting for the rain to subside before going down to the car.But at this moment, a car drove over in a hurry, and my "Tongtian friend" at that time got out of the car, hurried to find me, and said to say hello to me.She said that within a week of my departure from Beijing, something big might happen to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs.Rightist mistakes are certain, and Qiao Guanhua must also be involved and criticized.She said that I should be mentally prepared whether to stand on the side of the revolutionary line or follow Master Qiao wholeheartedly.I said thank you for coming to say hello, but my heart was in a mess.At this time, there was thunder in the sky, and the foundation of my life seemed to be shaken back and forth by the rumbling thunder, and I couldn't find my balance! That night, I was very busy, but I still hoped to see Guanhua.But he was also busy, so he went to Premier Zhou for a meeting after the event.I know those meetings always run until the wee hours of the morning.We just had a brief phone call to say hello to each other.I'd love to say hello to him too, for any political crisis that may arise.But I'm afraid that if I can't explain clearly on the phone, it will increase his pressure.Besides, in case it was to scare me, it would be a false alarm! On July 2, with sadness and anxiety, I left Beijing for Guangzhou.Because his father had passed away, the original scheduled direct flight to Hong Kong to pick him up back to Beijing was changed to Guangzhou to welcome the ashes after the Hong Kong memorial service and cremation.A group of us stayed overnight in Guangzhou and went to Hong Kong via Luohu, Shenzhen on July 3. After arriving in Guangzhou on the evening of the 2nd, I was in a bad mood.At that time, there was no program-controlled long-distance dialing, and I couldn't get through to Beijing after I registered.Lying in bed at night, all kinds of melancholy came to my mind.I really couldn't fall asleep, so I got up late at night to write a letter to Guanhua. In the first half of 1973, when we rarely met, although we were close at hand, we could only convey emotional information through correspondence.Later, the house was ransacked, and even some scraps of paper were confiscated, but Guanhua carefully kept a few letters from me to him and a two-inch photo of me close to him, and managed to keep them.It's a pity that his brilliant letters have never been seen since.Among my letters in Guanhua's collection, I wrote him from Guangzhou late at night on July 2, 1973.In the letter I said: ... You are disturbed to leave this time.Maybe I'm taking things too seriously.I don't worry about you, worry about your body, and worry that you can't handle those complicated difficulties well.However, I firmly believe that your sincere heart to the party's cause can add wisdom and strength to you in a complex environment.The biggest agreement between you and me is that we are all aboveboard.I think with this one, we can always have a clear conscience.No matter how tortuous the road of life is in the future, how violent the storm of struggle is, we will always be together in wind and rain, and this will be the greatest comfort in life. After the baptism of a storm at night in Guangzhou, it is now unusually fresh and quiet.Just now I was walking in the courtyard and looked up to see a bright crescent moon in the clear sky. I remembered how much you like the bright and clear moon.我相信我们此刻正怀着同样的感情望着同一个新月。 生活与斗争把我们联结在一起，现在已经没有任何力量能把我们分离。 祝你一切都好。 事隔二十二年，当我今天重读这封信时，我难以抑制自己万分的激动。在当年那扑朔迷离的政治变幻中，我对自己坚定的爱的誓言深感自豪。即使这当初的山盟海誓带来的是无尽的灾难，但我对所爱的人的信念，我对承诺的爱情的忠贞始终使我无悔无愧。 一周后，在我经历了一场失去父亲的深刻感情震动之后，捧着他的骨灰同殷夫人，大哥章可，妹妹章眉和女儿妞妞乘周总理派的专机回到北京。飞机下降时，我从机窗里一眼就看到了冠华在列候骨灰的领导人行列中。他安然无恙，我顿感心头的重压消失了。在机场的忙乱中，冠华抽空对我耳语说晚上一定回家去一趟，有重要情况告诉我。不过并没有等到我晚上见到冠华，我已经知道这“重要情况”了。在我刚刚把殷夫人、眉妹安顿在北京饭店住下之后，7月1日出发前给我打招呼的“朋友”赶来饭店告诉我，在我离开北京期间，发生了重大事件。外交部已被确定是犯了右倾错误，冠华被点名为“乔老爷的贼船”。这是一个“山雨欲来风满楼”的局面，冠华面临的是难以预见的命运。在那个年代甚至后来的相当长一段岁月中，谁又能掌握自己的命运呢？ 晚上，冠华和老仲一起来看我。他们，尤其是冠华心情很紧张，不知道等待他的是什么厄运。冠华说为了不把我牵连在他的问题中，他尽量少来看我，因为我有着很强硬的“关系”，我只要不受他的牵连，我的事业会很顺利。我望着冠华那疲惫和茫然的神情，不知说什么才好。这种局面，我虽略知原由，但也远非我力量所能改变。我只得叹口气对他说：“有什么必要讲牵连呢！如果你是'贼船'，我早已上了这只船，下不来了！”老仲也在一边叹息。 此后的一段时间，冠华的处境一直十分困难，而我却必须周旋于两种势力之间，内交真是比外交复杂得多。我和冠华的交往为了避免政治上的麻烦，转入了“半地下”状态。每当他晚上来我家，他就同老仲讲好，由老仲通知部值班室说冠华在他家，大约×小时后回家，有文件那时再送他家。如果是电话请示，则由老仲打电话到我家，再由冠华给部里回电话。实在有急件要批，老仲就只好要冠华立即去他家等文件，因为我们住同一胡同，我在西头，老仲在东头，相隔二十多家，走过去不消几分钟，可以在交通员的文件到达前先到。如今想起来，这真是何等的荒诞！为了这不可捉摸的政治，我们本来是正大光明的恋爱竟必须用这避人耳目的方式。很多年后，我见到老仲的夫人刘锦琳同志，那时她也已失去老仲。我们看着彼此两鬓的白发，说起当年这段荒唐的历史，都不禁湿了眼眶，无限苍凉，无限辛酸！ 1973年夏天的这场风波到了7月底已达高潮。许多话传下来说外交部是“独立王国，针插不进，水泼不进”，说外交部要“掺沙子”等等等等，一时部内部、司两级领导都惶惶然不知所措。自然所有人都只得听信这些传达，无从核对！可是后来就像这场“斗争”莫名其妙地突然平地卷起千层浪那样，到了8月初又莫名其妙地逐渐消沉了。当时要准备开党的第十次代表大会。冠华被指定参与起草“十大”报告的外交政策部分。前两个月那些政治帽子不再提了，他又全身心投入了起草十大报告和这一年的联大发言之中。但无论他和我都预感这风波只是为了开好“十大”而暂停，实际并未结束。开完“十大”，冠华当选为中央委员，但他心里并不轻松。9月28日，他在启程赴纽约参加联大二十八届大会的前夕给仲曦东同志写了以下这个便条。多年后，刘锦琳同志给了我这张条子的复印件： 老仲：明天走了，从心底里祝你好，放宽心。我会记住当前所经历的一切，严于律己，宽于待人；当然，即使如此，也会闲话不少的。但这是必然的，阶级斗争吗！ ?我心坦然，请你放心。热烈地握手。 老乔 28／9．73 从局外人看，冠华当时正处于事业的光辉顶峰，中国进入联合国，他是毛主席、周总理亲自点将的中国代表团第一任团长。离京时，毛主席指示要全体政治局委员在机场欢送。红旗招展，锣鼓齐鸣。数千名群众摆成方阵，气氛热烈。此后，中美会谈，他在主席、总理领导下担任了主要谈判，并与基辛格共同起草“上海公报”。党的十大，他又当选中央委员。在这无比灿烂的光环下，谁又能理解他彼时的困惑心情？谁又能懂得他在1973年9月28日写给老仲的这个短笺中所饱含的一切情感？冠华对他献身的事业是如此地忠贞，不论他个人遭受到什么委屈，人们三天后在联合国大会上见到的却依旧是那个精神抖擞，具有独特外交风度和魅力的中国外交家，他的发言又一次令多少听众折服，为国家争得了荣誉！也许至今还有不少人以为在那光辉成就的年月，我和冠华一同出席联合国大会也是何等风光，可谁又能看透我内心为冠华的担忧，谁又能想到我们在那风光的年月想得更多的是不可知的将来的厄运和我们可能有一天要共患难，为一场我们自己并不懂的政治斗争作出沉重的牺牲？ 70年代，我和冠华最高兴的时候是在国外开会或访问。那高兴不是为了去买“大件”或其他洋货。当时我们一个人只有十美元的零用钱，上下平等，从部长到厨师都一样。除此之外，一点额外补贴都没有。可以想见，这十美元只能到纽约廉价超级市场买点针头线脑的小玩意儿。冠华要我替他买的永远是地图，他酷爱收集地图。新的地图很贵，我就到伯恩斯?诺贝尔斯书店的旧书部去买旧的，旧书可以便宜很多。剩下的那几块钱几乎都被我用在冰淇淋和炸土豆片、玉米片上了。但无论是买地图还是吃冰淇淋，都不足以使我和冠华在国外流连忘返。我们真正想在国外多呆些日子的原因是出了国，住在使馆内像是个自由自在的天地，不必像在北京那样提心吊胆怕上面又出什么风波，怕部里有人打小报告，怕得罪了通天人物。在国外，我们不必扮演我们并不情愿的角色，冠华可以比较放手地施展他的外交才华。记得1974年，那次出席联大后我们途经巴黎回国，住在大使官邸。中午曾涛大使和驻法使馆的外交官同冠华聚餐，冠华喝酒过量了，饭后回到房间倒头就睡。我睡不着，跑去找曾大使的夫人朱黎青同志玩牌。这在那时是极为难得的空闲。我一边玩牌一边说我和老乔真希望能有机会外派一任大使。出国工作，至少还有劳有逸。可是老乔想去华盛顿当联络处主任，主席不同意，说他要留在国内，每年的联大是他的事。我们玩了还不到半小时，冠华突然闯了进来，他酒意未消，带着满脸的不悦冲我说：“你玩什么牌嘛？！这种事很无聊。你应该休息！”曾大使夫妇很尴尬，他们和冠华是老友，只觉得他是醉了。我很窘，只好道歉，拉冠华回房间。回到房里，我非常生气，嚷嚷说他太无理，凭什么这样粗暴！此时，冠华似乎清醒了一些，坐在床上突然落泪了。我还是以为他是酒疯，我说不跟醉汉打交道，说完就往外走。冠华下床拉住我，伤感地说：“我的酒醒了，刚才的事对不起。我也不知为什么很怕你离开我。我醒来，屋子里黑极了，找不到你。我很怕孤独。我真怕有一天，所有人都离开我，你也离开我！”我愣住了。许久，我叹息地说：“你胡思乱想什么，我怎么会离开你呢？！”他说他也说不清，但总有一种预感他迟早会倒霉。他说好不容易在国外可以不去想国内那些复杂的事，他不愿我离开他。我被他说得也感慨起来。这场小小的风波过去了，但我知道他和我心里都不轻松。 1973年的10月，我们就是怀着这种心情去纽约参加联大。我们尽量地不去想在北京刚刚经历过的一切。这年中东发生战争，安理会会议很紧张。冠华最喜欢这种国际风云的大风大浪。凡是联大平静的年会，他都觉得这些会很无聊，凡是碰上国际上出大事，安理会剧烈辩论的年头，冠华就精神百倍，真是“斗志昂扬”。我看他对斗争那样投入，尽管紧张繁忙却心情激奋，真希望他能永远不受干扰地投身他倾心的外交事业。我们预定10月中旬回国，因为基辛格11月上旬要到北京与冠华会谈。一想到回北京可能又要卷入复杂的环境，我真是不寒而栗。于是我给冠华出了个主意要他发个电报回北京，就说今年安理会辩论剧烈，他有必要多停留一段时间，请示国内是否同意他不参加基辛格访华的谈判。冠华很犹豫，说总理会不高兴。中美会谈的事总理是交给他承担的。我当时的确私心很重，我说：“我总有点不祥之感，不知基辛格访华又会闯出什么错误。我们还是为自己想想吧，反正你是副部长，从名义上也可以不参加。躲开中美会谈这种风险大的事也许可以保个平安！”在我反复劝说下，冠华发了这个电报。不出他所料，回电传达了周总理严厉的批评，说冠华不应把安理会辩论放在中美会谈之上，令他必须按原计划回国。冠华说都是我出的馊主意，惹得总理发火了。我说我猜周总理懂得冠华不想回去参加中美谈判的真实原因，但愿他能谅解。 冠华和我按时回到了北京，按原计划参加了中美会谈。但被我不幸而言中的是，就在基辛格离开北京之后，一场真正的政治灾难终于发生了，一直延伸到第三年的春天的“批林批孔”运动，整个中国大地又一次动荡不安；它也最终导致了周总理癌症恶性发作，住院手术后再也没有回到西华厅会议室召集那我们熟悉和怀念的长夜工作会议。 回首往事，在70年代的沉浮中，我犯过两次大的错误。那错误都是为了生存。第一次就 是这1973年的深秋。就在京城萧瑟落叶的时节，人民大会堂的某个厅堂里进行着一场无情的较量。除去那些本性邪恶的一小撮之外，卷入其中的每个人都在经受着一场严峻的考验，是挺身而出维护正义与公正还是为了自己的生存妥协退让，随波逐流。几年后，当有人不顾当年的事实企图把不切实际的罪名强加在我们头上时，我曾经为自己和冠华辩护说那是时代造成的悲剧，我们既没有参与策划也没有陷害他人。然而，二十年后的今天，在回顾自己走过的路时，我愿按冠华说的“严于律己，宽于待人”去剖析自己。尽管在那个特定的历史条件下没有一个被卷入的人能够蔑视权威，主张公道，但毕竟作为自我良心的剖析，我为了自身的生存与“前程”，随着那汹涌而至的浊浪说了违心的话，做了违心的事，伤害过好人。尤其是在周总理蒙受屈辱时，我们并未能为他做一点事减轻他的压力。这一点在冠华的心头尤为沉重，一直到两年后的1975年秋天，当他有机会当面向周总理痛切剖析自己当年的懦弱并得到周总理的谅解时，他的心才略为平静。也许正因为有了1973年沉痛的教训，我们在1975年底面临又一次更大的政治风浪时决心拚命一搏，再不能像1973年那样软弱，以一大批老干部再次受压为代价来换取自己政治上的安全。谁能料想本意要为公正一搏换取至少是外交部一个良好政治环境的意图却又导致了另一次错误。在当时的条件下，我们只能与虎谋皮，火中取栗。虽知这是孤注一掷，但为了部内的一大批善良的老、中、青干部，我和冠华贸然决定拚出自己的政治生命也要与外交部造反人物决裂，制止在部里又一次兴风作浪，换取真正的安定团结。但我们过于幼稚，过于天真。我们得到过部内大多数干部的支持，我们相信奇迹会出现。其结果是我们自己落入了深深的陷阱，最终的结局是我们被扣上了“借刀杀人”的帽子，杀害的恰恰是自己。这是何等惨烈的悲剧！这无疑是一次大错，但今天的我只对1973年的错误常常自责，而对1975-1976年的错误却处之坦然，因为我和冠华是为了一个良好的愿望决心冒此风险的。我说过我们并不真正懂得政治，更不具备参与政治斗争的种种手段，其结果不可避免的是被别人玩弄于股掌之间，使冠华最终付出了生命的代价。 所有这一切，我并不想去论说是非。历史和人民永远是最公正的。总有一天会有人在研究共和国的历史时对70年代扑朔迷离的政治生活作出客观公正的评说。对于我来说，今天我所到之处都听到人们对冠华深切的怀念。有此足矣！人民不仅记得他为共和国的外交事业作出的卓越贡献，人们也相信这样一个对自己的事业一片丹心的好人绝不会是在阴暗的角落里策划阴谋的鼠辈！人民永远是公正的，伟大的！ 当1973年12月，那场冷酷无情的斗争告一段落时，我和冠华十分期望早日成个家。经过了这大半年的折腾，爱情玫瑰色的浪漫已被磨去了许多。1973年初我们对未来的憧憬已变得很苦涩。我们只觉得精疲力竭，像一只在狂风巨浪中挣扎漂浮的小船，此时已被风浪打得遍体伤痕，只盼有一个风平浪静的港湾可以歇息片刻。我和冠华决定尽快结婚，使我们互有依靠。冠华决定搬到我家来，放弃外交部为他修的房子。这是几个月前周总理亲自定的。在我们这一年风风雨雨的恋爱中，周总理给了冠华和我最坚定的支持。早在1973年初，在一次西华厅会议休息大家吃夜宵时，周总理说：“××当个大新闻，告诉我老乔和含之在谈恋爱，我说有什么好大惊小怪的，我早有预感了。”后来周总理又告诉冠华他批评了他的子女，对他们说应当支持父亲得到幸福。父亲的丧事料理完之后在一次会议休息时，周总理问我们结婚后住在哪里。我说外交部正在给冠华修理一所部里的房子，我准备搬进去。总理听了皱起他那两道浓眉说：“章可（我大哥）结婚单独搬出去住了，你结婚又要搬走，行老的房子交给谁管？”我说我恐怕管不了，部里工作太忙。我看得出总理有些不快，心里有点不踏实。 于是我便小心翼翼地试探说：“我想当初这房子是国家给父亲的，我搬走以后是不是就把它还给国家？”周总理似乎料到了我的回答，他严肃地说：“你倒想得简单。行老和共产党合作几十年。他是主席的老朋友。这个房子当初是主席同意为行老修的。行老去世时，在追悼会前，我对殷夫人和你妹妹亲口说这房子是政府为行老修的，今后你们海外亲属任何时候回来看看，这都是你们的家。你是共产党，说还给国家就还了，以后行老这么多海外亲属知道了怎么说？他们会说共产党说话不算数！我周恩来说话不算数！”我不吭声了。周总理接着直视冠华问：“为什么一定要含之搬到你那里，你不能搬到她那里？”我抢先回答说：“这倒是我的意见。乔老爷官比我大，我嫁给他按习惯就只好搬到他家去。”周总理还是逼视着冠华问：“你也是这样主张吗？为什么你不可以搬到含之那里？男尊女卑？”冠华悠然地笑着回答说：“我哪里有这种想法？！我愿意搬到含之那里。行老的房子比我的亮堂，是她一定要搬出来。”周总理果断地说：“那好，就这样定了！冠华你搬到含之那里去！”后来毛主席听到了，说这样好，还风趣地对冠华说：“这一次啊，乔老爷，你可真是上轿了呵！” 就这样，1973年的12月11日，冠华搬入了史家胡同我的家里，从此它成为我们的新家。我深信父亲地下有灵是万分欣慰的。在他去香港的前夕，冠华同我一起去北京医院看望他。父亲已经知道我们准备结婚，为此他很高兴。他对冠华说1949年开国大典之前，他从香港同其他许多党外民主人士一起乘船回北京定居，正是冠华代表党中央同船回来的。他说他一直认为周恩来之下冠华是最出色的外交家。最后，父亲说我们结婚时他可能还在香港，如果赶不上我们的婚礼，他要送我们一点礼物。但是他太老了，不能去买礼物了。说着，父亲从衣袋中摸出他唯一的那张一万元定期存折。这是1971年他的《柳文指要》出版之后，因为当时取消了稿酬，周总理指示送父亲一万元作为酬金。父亲嘱我为他办了一个定期存折。此时，父亲很动情地说：“这张存折送给你们，含之去买你们喜欢的礼物。”冠华当时显得很窘，连声说不必。我也说我们一切都有了，这钱是周总理送的，父亲留着回北京用。但父亲执意要我们收下。我当时想我先收下代父亲保管，等他香港回来还是用在父亲所需的事上。没有料到两个月后他在香港去世，也没有料到这笔钱后来在冠华身陷逆境，患着绝症而经济拮据时成了我保证他营养所需的主要财源。 当外交部总务司在1973年12月11日派车把冠华报房胡同的家搬来我家时，除了那几箱子书籍之外，几乎全部都是公家的东西。家具是每个月付租金从外交部租的，连那几套中山装和大衣都是出国时公费做的。没有彩色电视机，没有像样的任何家用电器！这就是冠华！他总使我想起鲁迅的话，他像一头牛，吃的是草，挤出的却是牛奶！而冠华正好属牛！当年他迁来我家的那套绿色尼龙绒面的沙发是60年代中期缅甸使馆替换下来运回国的。这套沙发至今仍在我的客厅里。它们已经过几次修理，我却仍不舍得替换掉。女儿去年为我修缮房屋，她懂得我不愿舍弃这套大约已经使用了三十年的旧沙发，就给它们做了几个大套子。 冠华迁入我家后的几天之后，我们在家里举行了一个简单的酒会，招待冠华的同事，算是婚礼吧！来参加的自然都是显贵的部长们。奔驰车在大门口停了一长溜儿，真正是车水马龙！但是就在这个本来值得欢庆的婚礼之夜，我却产生了一种不祥的预感和一种对未来的惶惑。 第一件发生的意外是当我为每位贵客斟上茅台酒，请大家干杯时，冠华和我忙着招呼客人没有立即喝杯中茅台。此时一位部长喝了一口后迟疑地问冠华：“老乔，你这倒的是酒吗？”其他部长们也同声说：“老乔，你开的什么玩笑？这是白水吧？！”我和冠华赶紧尝了一口杯中物，果然是白水。我忙问冠华哪里拿的茅台。冠华说是从饭厅拿的。我忙去查问，原来当时有一位照顾我父亲的女孩子还住在我家。她用一个茅台酒空瓶装凉开水。这天晚上她装了水放在饭厅桌上，被冠华当做新酒拿去待客了。大家自然把这插曲当个笑话，说冠华舍不得请客人喝茅台，用白开水充数，冠华也哈哈大笑。只有我心里蒙上一层阴影。我从来都有点迷信好兆、恶兆。在婚礼上浓烈的茅台变成了淡而无味的白水，难道这会是一种不祥的预示吗？ 客人散尽之后，冠华很兴奋，说出去看看月亮。我说那么冷，别出去了。他却非要去，说今晚一定要赏月。我只好给他取大衣围巾，陪他到院子里散步。冠华说：“多好啊，多美啊，我们能在一起了！”我说：“是啊，不过今晚的招待会实在像次外交活动不像婚礼！”冠华叹口气说：“没有办法，这也是应酬！”我忽然非常激动地对他说：“你知道我最想要的是什么样的婚礼吗？”他说不知道。我叹口气说：“教堂的婚礼！”冠华捏了捏我挽着他手臂的手说：“别瞎说了！”我说：“真的，我一直幻想着这样一种婚礼，在神圣的主的面 前，两个人面对面，心对心，说出庄严的誓言：'我章含之愿意与乔冠华结为夫妻，不论富贵或贫贱，不论健康或疾病，我将永远安慰你，照顾你，忠贞不渝。 '这种誓言是发自内心的，是最圣洁的，一生一世不能背叛的。 ”冠华说：“你真是小资产阶级情调。共产党是无神论，我们用不着对天主起誓。还是对着月亮吧！那是最美的。 '但愿人长久，千里共婵娟'。 ”我早知道冠华酷爱月亮，他对着月色特别动情。但我却隐隐地觉得那月光太冷漠太清淡，几乎使人感到凄凉。我不禁想起那些写月光的诗句中很多都是写别离情的。我想起了：“七月七日长生殿，夜半无人私语时。在天愿作比翼鸟，在地愿为连理枝。天长地久有时尽，此恨绵绵无绝期！ ”那无比哀怨的爱情誓言不也是在月光下发出的吗？我努力想赶走那些不祥的联想，此时冠华突然又说：“我们不用什么誓言，只要信任就够了。将来有一天，假若我眼睛瞎了，我相信你就是我的眼睛，我可以扶着你，你拉着我。假如那时我们一贫如洗，你就这样拉着我去要饭，我们还是在一起。 ”我顿时心头一惊，一阵寒流穿过全身。这婚礼之夜我们怎么会说了这么多不吉利的话！我不敢再往下想，急匆匆地说：“太冷了，快进屋吧！都是这月亮，我们说了这么多不该说的话！ " 在后来的岁月中，不知怎么，这婚礼之夜的月下对话总是顽固地在我心里忽隐忽现，驱之不散。冠华逝世之后，我就更为经常地想起那个夜晚，也更相信命运。冠华和我不论在性格上有什么缺陷，或者在世俗的现实政治生涯中有过什么错误，但我们两人都心地善良，光明磊落。我们又如此真诚地相爱，彼此肝胆相照，祸福与共，为什么我们的结局会这样悲怆？ !这不是命运又是什么呢？ ! 带着对幸福的梦幻和对未来忐忑不安的茫然，在那1973年寒冷的冬季，我和冠华开始了共同的生活！