Chapter 4 Chapter 4 1908, Beecham Apartments - 1

Traveler, I think you have every reason to be sad, you sold your land to look at other people's land, so you see too much and get nothing; rich eyes, poor hands.. Farewell, Mr Traveler, Be careful not to bite your tongue, wear outlandish clothes, give up all the benefits of your country, and stop loving your folks.Blame God for giving you such a look, or I'll wonder if you've ever sat in a gondola. ——In the forest of Ardennes, Rosalind said to Jax ② In 1908, he sailed from Littleton to London via Cape Horn, and the whole voyage took 7 weeks.The Papani was carrying 24 passengers, only two of whom were women.The ship sailed south in the depths of winter, with icebergs ahead, and for three weeks saw no land except Cape Horn, and then called for the first time at Montevideo.Kay must have filled another thick black notebook by this time, but did not keep it.

In Montevideo, Kathlyn disembarked with a male passenger.Later, she told two friends in London that she had been possessed by an evil spirit for a period of time and "didn't know what happened". She was afraid that she might be pregnant, and it was only two months later that she realized it was a false alarm.It is said that crossing the equator can sometimes lead to this embarrassing error. At the same time came another pregnancy news.The Trowell brothers were both in London now, and when Kay's ship docked in Gravesend, she had a letter from Ida saying that her college classmate, Gwen Rose, was pregnant with Arnold's child.This is very untrue. In fact, there are many hearsay, fallacies, deliberate mazes and so on.

On August 24, 1908, the loyal Ida waited alone for Kathleen's train to pull into the platform. She took Kay directly to the Montague apartment, where she stayed with Colonel Baker and his daughters for a few days. Then moved to Beecham Apartments. Beecham House is part of the Warwick estate, named after the Warwickshire family.This tall Regency house stands alone on the banks of the Grand Canal known as "Little Venice" but without gondolas.There used to be many artists' studios on the banks of the Paddington Valley of the canal, facing the plane trees on the opposite bank. In 1908, the house was a residence for music students opened by two professional musicians, Miss Ann Mukel and Miss Rosabel Watson.The two ladies were reasonable enough to know that music was a necessary means of freedom for their tenants, and so there were few rules and regulations.Each girl has her own gate key, can also dine late, and can practice cello or drums or even trombone in her own room.But people who are married cannot live in, and if they are married, they must leave.

Most students study music, but there are one or two actors. Kathleen arrived at the Beecham apartment with her cello and took up a large upstairs room with a small balcony with curved iron railings overlooking the canal.The rent was not cheap, and it cost 25 shillings a week including food expenses, which meant that she was regarded as the daughter of a wealthy colonial family. Downstairs in the dining room she met another newcomer, Margaret Wishart, who happened to sit next to Kathlyn at her first meal at the apartment, also avoiding her father, a Marine The major general—and came here, so the two immediately became close friends.Margaret learning the violin, Pique ① Gondola, the name of a kind of boat unique to the world-famous water city of Venice, ——Annotation ② Ardennes Forest, the scene of the first scene of the second act of Shakespeare's comedy "As You Like It" , Rosalind and Jax are all characters in the play. ——Annotation ③The capital of Uruguay, the southern port city. ——Annotation ①The Regency period (1811-1820), when the Prince of Wales took the regent on behalf of George III who was ill. ——Annotation Shilin is more gentle and enthusiastic, with a more frank personality.She doesn't have much ambition, and maybe she would rather marry a husband who suits her heart.But the parents wanted her to follow them all day to military ports, to be a sort of musical embellishment in their own lives, to Malta or wherever they might be stationed.She had recently been allowed to stay in London, and she was scraping by on clothing (£60 a year, compared to Kathlyn's £100 a year stipend) and what she earned from playing the violin.In fact, she soon met and became her husband, the pianist George Woodhouse, was secretly engaged to him, and within a year, with the help of Miss Watson and Miss Mukel, married and left Beecher. Mom's apartment, her parents "cut off contact" with her.All this bound the two fugitives together in 1908—Kathlyn was soon "secretly engaged," though not to Tom Trowell.

The imagined romance with Tom was nothing more than imagination, the love between the two was mostly her own, and in his mind, she was just a friend—"My very good friend Kathlyn M. Beechem", this is the inscription of his 6 compositions for cello and piano - he has indeed been corresponding with her for 6 years, but he has hardly touched her; and Kay and he are very responsible Brother Garnett together, it wasn't long before it was another matter entirely. At 52 Calton Hill, Kath was treated as a member of the family, where there was music instead of money, and she felt a warmth and ease that she had never experienced, and tried to describe in a "novel" a few years later.The novel, which contained little fiction, was soon abandoned, but some fragments survive.

It tells of a girl, apparently Kath, going downstairs to the kitchen for supper and seeing her mother carving her name into an apple pie with a fork, and one of the twins trying out a new song on the living room piano. wrote the quintet, and the other played the violin upstairs.Here's the scene after dinner (real names here instead of half-fictional ones): Kath kneels by the dining-room fire and helps Dolly roast chestnuts, with a bag of hard-shelled chestnuts by her side, a hairpin for picking chestnuts, An old Daily Mirror with charred chestnut shells.In the rosy light of the fire, the two children leaned together, laughing and whispering, very absorbed.

Mrs. Trowell sat at the table putting new soles on Tom's stockings, her skirts thrown up on her knees, and her slippered feet bent under the chair.She looked pale and tired, and from time to time she leaned over and opened her mouth for Dolly to throw in a "beautiful soft chestnut". The drawing board stood upright against the dining table, and a few manuscripts, some pink blotting paper, were scattered beside the smudged inkstand.Father was busy copying Tom's latest grades. The room was warm and smelled of roasted chestnuts.The curtains looked heavier in the flickering light, the ugly colors seemed darker—as if yearning for some space to connect the four windows—and in the silence, Tom's piano could be heard here and there, busy What—a theme suddenly occurred to me at dinner, so I refused to eat the pudding, took an apple and ran to the living room... "Mom," said Dolly suddenly, "where's Garnett?" "I don't know, Darling—ask Kath." Mrs. Trowell doubled a thread and labored through the needle. "Do you know where he is!

Margaret Wishart remembered Garnet as "tall and lanky, dreamy, well-bred, a lover of violin and books".He does not have obvious masculine characteristics, but he is more like the one Kathlyn is willing to marry ① Malta, the name of an island country in Europe, is located in the Mediterranean Sea. It became a British colony after 1814 and became independent in 1964. ——Annotation of this kind of man (she has never been attracted to the kind of male who is as strong as a cow, she doesn't like strong, "successful men"). Here's another episode from the unfinished novel: In an upstairs bedroom, Garnett and Kathlyn are telling each other how unhappy life is making them feel, and as they talk about their bleak future, she feels herself a Even his violin case on the white bed in "The Lonely Prisoner" looked like "a little coffin."In the interludes that followed, she felt the conversation plunge into an unknowable abyss separating him from her--an abyss the jumble of words filled.The door opened wide, and Tom came in, waving a napkin in his hand: "The dinner bell has rung three times, and Jenny has come to call you, and Mother has lost her temper, and the food is cold. What are you two guys doing? Confession, Garnett, you old fox."

"Oh, I must hurry down," Kath said. "No—no," said Tom, holding out his hands to stop her. "I won't go until I know what you two are doing." "Don't ask, Tom, let me go. Gary, your hair looks all messed up in this light--they'll be mad." "Don't worry, dear sister." "Don't be a fool, Tom," Garnett laughed, "we've been looking at the trees on the opposite wall—that's all." "What!" laughed Tom. "Did those two Kath talk about yesterday just hold each other's hands in the dark? Shame on you. Go downstairs to everybody, miss."

"Oh, you baby." She laughed and ran down to hug her. Tom went up and poked Garnett, and "lucky fellow," he said, following them into the dining room yelling, "I knew it, I knew it." The fact is that a month after Kathleen arrived by boat - at the time Garnett was touring with the Moody Mallers - he was already referring to him as "husband" in a letter that contained a strangely frightening Signs, I don't know why.Even the first letter he kept showed signs of it.When she lived in that house in Calton Hill, she left him a note to read when he got home: Dearest: I felt compelled to leave you a note—fate was very kind to us both today. No, dearest - I've been thinking of you since I saw you yesterday, and I've been in so much pain - I don't know why - but feel that there's so much to say, and so little time, that you're leaving go.

Dearest, I love you so much, I feel like I can say this to you now, until I grow old...I think your kiss has melted my soul into your heart. The opening lines capture the expression of the girl in "In the Café," "both fervently longing and anticipating disillusionment." Is this inherent, or is something amiss? On Sunday, September 13, Kathleen sent Garnett to Birmingham, where he would spend the winter in theaters and theater boarding houses in the provinces, playing six evenings a week and traveling every Sunday. He was one of 140 members of the "A" Regiment of Maudie Mallers, Charlie Malles and Fanny Maudie. ——Annotation as the main actor, and Romoado Sapio as the conductor.It wasn't easy in November of that year. They performed "Aida" on Monday, "Madame Butterfly" on Tuesday, "Meister Singer" on Wednesday, followed by "Coff and Peck", and the matinee "Madame Butterfly". Don Hauser', the big show on Saturday night was 'Maritana', and then I took the train somewhere else. Kathlyn wrote to Garnet gushing about the elusive, fleeting happiness that would characterize her later life.She felt "safe, comfortable and content" with him, and marriage was evidently on the minds of both, but she kept asking, "Do you understand?" That horrible feeling of pain that often overwhelms me," adding, "It was like suddenly meeting a ghost head-on that was going to frighten me." There is no indication in the letter that they considered how they would spend their lives if married.Kathleen always capitalizes the future when she writes about the future, and the homes they talk about are only dream homes.Margaret Westhart had several long talks with Kath about how to live with such a penniless life, "the family will definitely be annoyed that we are married to such a penniless musician".She remembered Kath saying that if she had only sixpence, she would try to buy a bouquet of violets to decorate the table, and would rather buy less food. What if all the income went to the arts and Thornton was far away? "I seem to feel double the pressure," declared one letter to Garnett. "You have completely changed me," another letter added. "I am not what I used to be, or—for the first time in my life." —I feel completely mine.” Nevertheless, she went to Surrey for a weekend with Aunt Bell and her stockholder husband.From there she wrote to Garnet: "It seems to me that nature is saying to me—since you are at peace with the world, enjoying instead of doubting—since you are loving—you can understand." But the conflict leaves—or whatever—a nagging, nameless fear. Like the character Kath in the novel tells her lover, "You know sometimes I feel like I'm controlled by a sense of fate -- you know -- a sense of impending doom, or a shadow of that feeling. looms over me—yet it's so dark and terrible . . . it's indescribable." When Kathleen left Wellington, she brought with her some of the expensive and fashionable clothes she used to wear: fuchsia taffeta, brown silk, and well-crafted black tweed, which slowly disappeared, no doubt into the West End Some respectable little pawn shop, because that would be contrary to her real ambitions.She dressed very differently at Beecham Flats than she did at Thornton, and she did "stop loving her country", and the grotesque hat with the purple chrysanthemum was no longer to be seen in Paddington, nor To the silk dress with pink buds on a blue background, which she had not long ago worn to a ball in the cabin of the Starship Club on the pier.What was she going to do if she wanted to keep all the chic, live in an expensive room, and make ends meet? Once a month she could visit Mr Kee at the Bank of New England on Queen Victoria Street and take her 8 pounds 6 shillings 8p .Fifteen shillings a week left over after paying for board and lodging to spend on clothes, violets, abrass (Garnaut smoked this - they smoked it on their honeymoon), often at the Royal Concert Hall , ② "Aida", an opera created by the Italian composer Verdi in 1871. ——Annotation ③ "Madame Butterfly", an opera created by Puccini in 1904. ——Annotation ④ "The Master Singer", an opera composed by Wagner. ——Annotation ⑤ "Maritana", an opera created by Irish composer William Vincent (1812～1865). ——Annotation ① The bank manager. ——Annotation for afternoon tea in Bond Street. Later, Ada took advantage of the opportunity and naturally she paid the bill.But Ada was not yet twenty-one, lived with her father, and had only twelve pounds a year herself.She wrote a blunt letter to Harold Beecham, saying that "Kathlyn can make use of her talents of recitative, mimetic and musical." In those days, West End hostesses used to arrange entertainment for a fee for their guests, and Beecham House was apparently the agency of recognized genius.Miss Kathlyn Beecham can very amusingly recite some of her own verses and sing (her cello is useless here, perhaps like the clothes that soon sell off), which is why A changeable girl tries her chances at imitation. She is easily treated as a guest, and at the right moment is invited to sing a Salvation Army song or sing "I am a sinner, I am an unfortunate person", etc., and when she leaves, the master tactfully slips her an envelope. . Ada said Kathlyn had taken many of these jobs, for a guinea at a time, so she could afford at least one robe.The clothes were made with the help of Amy Birch, who had come to the Beecham apartment to escape her parents' tyranny.She was good friends with Margaret and Kathlyn, and the three of them used to stay late in Kathlyn's room, drinking cocoa and "talking", Kath curled up on the rug in front of the fire It does look like it has some Maori ancestry.Marguerite later talked about these past events, and shed some tears while talking.One of the many secrets the two girls share is a lovely Swiss hairdresser whom Kay discovers on George Street, not far from Baker Street, and who is an invaluable friend who can help people out. Margaret, in her 60s, recalls that at no other time in her later life had she been as close as she was with Kath in Beecham flats. In Margaret's view, Ada is a very dull person, who often visits Cath, "because of her loyalty, she is tolerated, although sometimes it is almost annoying."She "worshipped Kath uncharacteristically" and was "madly jealous of her company with other friends", so Margaret tried to avoid her as much as possible, avoiding her when she came, "but at the same time I always had to hear Talking about her is disgusting, like a nightmare." In her own book, Ada talks about Kathlyn wanting to write, but being distracted by annoying interactions in the apartment. "She knew many people among the students, and one or two of them became regular visitors to her little room, and they came in so often that they stared at her so much that she couldn't breathe and couldn't work." Two people made her breathless, and there was a "nightmare"?Maybe Kathlyn was a bit duplicity. She does embark on a dramatic adventure, playing a certain role, placing her friends in different "cabins", fascinated by experimenting with "variety of lives". In her Wellington notes there are excerpts from an unnamed play: "In order to hide our own hearts from others, we may not find ourselves at last." Always watch the experiment.Margaret often saw Kath "talking to herself" in front of the mirror. So at this time, everything about her is a story made in the mirror, including quickly changing clothes, changing voice, range of activities and countries, and the only place to tell the truth is facing the mirror, expressing the opinions of various bystanders in turn, reaching a certain point. an effect, since truth is found only in this multiplicity of mixtures. Desperate for money, Kathlyn soon began a brief affair with a sort of Edwardian "new woman."She sent some newsletters to a newspaper in the country.When Garnett was at the provincial theater, she learned that she went to Baker Street one night to cover a suffrage meeting, and the richly dressed women shouted hoarsely. .The organization was officially founded in 1878.This organization is not as rigid and strict as other religious organizations. Its members are equal to men and women. They can sing, play, applaud, testify, pray freely, and confess publicly.The organization has established its own relevant institutions in more than 80 countries. ——Annotation ② Guinea, the name of the old British gold coin. 1 guinea equals 21 shillings. ——Annotation arguing, stepping on the floor, applauding, and one of them even tried to persuade her to join the work.But Kay, who had never been a feminist, felt she could fix what was wrong with the world in simpler ways, namely by writing. She was happier in the Palais Concert Hall, where she could meet the daring ballerina Maude Allan in floaty chiffons, "representing the dying, colorful pleasures of all things." When she While writing to Garnett describing these events, the girls in one room upstairs were practicing the drumming part of "The Patrolman's Chorus," and in the next room someone was beginning to practice the trombone scales. Venezuelan pianist Teresa Carino held a concert in the Lichstein Hall, playing the famous Beethoven Piano Concerto, which expresses "masculine power".Kathlyn took Garnett's sister to a concert one Saturday afternoon, and she wrote Garnett that night about Carino, Ada, and the frustration she felt after reading the letter from home ("Past life The shadow of that looms over me . . . cruelly wounding me.").They went backstage to see Carlino (Kathlyn must have seen her in Wellington), and Carlino kissed her hand, "My dear boy, I must see you often. Remember I am your friend, hope You know I play it mostly for you." It wasn't exactly a spur of the moment Kay was invited to her apartment that Sunday. Wednesday was her birthday, and she later wrote a very special letter to Garnet (December 13, 1908), which began: My dear, though I cannot see you, I know that I belong to you: All my thoughts, all my emotions belong to you—I woke up this morning and I dreamed of you—and during the day, when I live on the surface, my heart beats excitedly with you, and with you, I experience Overwhelmed all possible emotions - love you. The words sounded familiar, beginning to repeat almost verbatim an unsent letter written in Wellington on August 11, 1907, as if she were reading to a mirror something she had long held in her head.The letter was addressed to Garnett's brother Tom, whether he read it or not. On her birthday, Kathlyn received a ring from Garnett and wore it to Calton Hill to show it to his mother, Tom and little Dory before catching the 4.30 train at Victoria station to visit Bell aunt.She woke up in the morning saying Garnett's name, kissed "our ring," sprang out of bed, heard the gardener digging just below, and at once described all this to her betrothed, but asked: " Garnett, what lies before us both? Oh, we shall seek the soul of the world." Kathlyn's New Zealand friend Ross Herrick was still in London at the time, and one day, out of the blue, she found herself a bosom friend to whom others confide in their troubles.Kay knew Rose knew a gynecologist, told her about the Montevideo episode, explained that she had had a menopause, and asked Rose to introduce him to the doctor.No wonder she wrote in her journal when she stayed with Aunt Bell: "I feel scared, but I don't know why... I feel terrible, I'm really scared, I don't know what to do." Another diary is sitting on the way back to London. The bus read: "I don't know if I'll ever be happy again - that's the question .. I seem to feel my head freeze and my whole soul numb with terrible pain." It was impossible to confirm what exactly caused her to have these thoughts, but the fear of pregnancy certainly explained one or the other. ①, the title of a piano piece by Mozart. —Annotation If she was actually conceived in Montevideo, would she still be able to continue playing all those roles—while marrying Garnet? But the next night she happily set off for the wedding in Paris.A naval friend of Westhart's was to be married at the British Embassy Chapel on Trafaldo Day (October 11) and Kath so charmed Margaret's father that he invited her to be his guest ——As a result, she wrote down many travel scenes in the notebook she carried with her.There is a long section addressed to Garnett, who talks about falling asleep in a train and dreaming that they were going abroad together.She did not mention the wedding, but told him all about Versailles, Luxembourg, and Notre-Dame.She was back at the Beecham flats shortly thereafter, saw his family again, and a diary entry thereafter seemed to show that one cause of the fear had been removed: "October 29th—to Mrs. Cherry Pod, at last not worried." Only two letters to Garnett have survived, only a note in pencil to say good night; One of the features of her later writing can be seen in Kay's involuntary description of Mrs. cutting the ribbon on a new Navy warship: Oh, Garnett, why do we love strong emotions so much?I think it's because of this that we feel life intensely, feverishly sure of our own existence. One thing I can't stand is mediocrity - I like to hang on to life from time to time - so I emphasize the so-called little things, so that everything is in fact meaningful.. The last page reads: "Yesterday Late night I dreamed that the two of us were listening to a Tchaikovsky concert last night - a piece of violin music was being played, and the music was amazingly fast - and I was horrified to see a large flock of black birds with wide spread wings screaming from above the orchestra Fly by...” Whatever fears were ruled out on October 29, other shadowy elements remained, fears that were somehow connected to a love of the “real.”We have to look again at what Kathlyn wrote at the Beecham apartment, which deserves as much attention as her deeds, especially at this stage where life and creation coincide. The first was her Whitman phase, 1 where she was creative because Margaret, another impassioned person, often asked Kay to improvise her Whitmanian poems, one of which mixed rhyme Whitman and Swinburne, a poem about Paddington in the autumn, entitled "October," was written on 22 October 1908 and given to Vera as a birthday present.This article was included in her Anthology of Poems. London, which was so fascinating not long ago, is now a symbol of death and desolation in poetry, but it is not because of reading Whitman, is it?Whitman loves the city and thinks it is vibrant, fascinating and positive, but Kay's poems are different. It is strange that Katherine Mansfield, and not any other writer, speaks in Swinburne's accent. Meanwhile, she filled her notebooks with story ideas, Wilde-esque aphorisms (“Never relight a dead cigarette or an old romance”), and the names of the characters in the story, which happened while sitting on the bus. From the shop sign.Margaret said, "She wrote a whole lot of stories, and I guess she threw away most of them, and she always read them aloud to me to remind me ① Asquith (1852 ~1928), a British politician, served as Prime Minister from 1908 to 1916. ——Annotation ① "Whitman stage" and the "Whitman style" mentioned below seem to refer to the unique oral style of the American poet Whitman Poetry creation style. ——Annotation ② Swinburne (1837～1909), British poet, literary critic. ——Annotation see.” The stories went on and on about the details of evil—"worshiping evil," as it was said in those days.There is a story about a seduced seamstress dying of tuberculosis in a slum dwelling with rotten bananas overturned from a fruit cart outside her window. "It made me sick," Margaret recalls, "but she insisted on keeping it, giggling happily." Margaret may have also read a story called "Oki's Education", which was probably published in London at the time (see Wellington's Evening Post, January issue, but this does not mean that Kay I sent it for publication, and more likely they "stolen it from London"). This is Kathlyn's self-fulfilling fantasy, herself in the guise of Oki, confident, glamorous, beautifully dressed, with a sweet voice and demeanor Dashing and charming, and a haughty admirer—she once watched him sail away in the Mediterranean. Hearing she was in London, he wrote to ask her to come and see him this afternoon (“I long for you, long for this hour See you here, are you coming?—Max") Her reply was curt, "I'm coming." After looking at the mirror on the dressing table, she decided to wear "a bold cut with light embellishments. A fuchsia cotton dress with purple buttons, and a beaver fur hat of the same color with a long feather in it. " She arrived at No. 8 East Square in a buggy at a quarter to four, and without thinking twice asked the coachman to come back to pick her up at 5:30.The scene that follows somewhat resembles a scene from Eleanor Green's novel, although it is really just a rewriting of a passage from "Juliet" that describes the relationship with Walter Lippmann, or "The Man." An adventurous visit.He led her to the smoking room and raised the heavy crimson curtain. A tall wrought iron candlestick stood in the corner, and there was a long low sofa covered with a dark red cover. He gave her a cigarette and took out his sketches from a large suitcase.They sit and talk about what it means to be alive, feel a little sexual turmoil here and there—then evade it—and finally end the story in a somewhat suspicious way, a bit like the ending of an earlier story about a decadent high school student: “O Qi, there are many highs and lows in art and life that you can't even dream of. It would be nice if you could realize what may be yours. You are playing on the edge of a forest full of beautiful flowers. Someday, if you want to complete yourself Your mission, someone will take your hand and lead you there, and you will know." There was silence again in the dark room... Silver raindrops hit the window. She turned suddenly and held out her hands to him—"Teach me, Max," said Auchie. As the buggy prepares to leave, one can't help but wonder what Kathlyn's parents would have thought when they read the story in their evening papers and saw it signed by K. Mansfield.A long low sofa! The next story written by such a 19-year-old girl was really skilled and extraordinary. The story was called "The Weary Rosabel", and the contrast was startling.She throws off her already useless mask, and a young genius emerges before the reader.The story is not ironic, and the first few strokes make people feel real: Rosa Bell bought a bouquet of violets in a corner of Oxford Circus, and in fact she hardly drank anything for it. ① Eleanor Green (1864～ 1943), a British female novelist, she wrote "Three Weeks" to describe romantic love, and was once regarded as the forerunner of Lawrence. ——Annotation What Tea—just a small scone, a boiled egg, and a cup of cocoa at Lyons Café, not much to eat after a long day at the milliner's.She stepped into the big bus, clutching her skirt with one hand and the rail with the other, thinking that she would sell her soul for a good meal—roast duck stuffed with green peas and chestnuts, pudding and brandy sauce ——All in all, be able to eat well and be warm.She sat down next to a girl about her own age who was reading a cheap paperback edition of Anna Lombard, the pages still stained by rain.Rosabel looked out the window, the street was wet and dirty, but the light cast on the window made the glass shine silvery, and the jewelry store looked like a mythical palace. The plot is simple enough that Rosabell returns to her own dark, gas-lit room in Paddington through streets that remind her of Venice ("even the buggies go up and down like gondolas"), and she explains He untied his shoelaces, knelt in front of the window, and began to fall into reverie.Dreaming of a rich young couple--a handsome, haughty young man and a proud lady--both of whom she had served in the shop today.The description of this dream dialogue is refined, which is difficult for other people of her age. Although the speaker's gestures and movements are only described in a few strokes, they are superb and vivid. The clerk kept dreaming until she dreamed that she married the rich young man and had a home with a fire in the room, flowers everywhere, and a French maid who tied her bonnet. etc.Rosabel's actual environment is hidden in the dream, so the story unfolds on three time levels at the same time: in the shop, in the bedroom, and in the imaginary married home.From the point of view of literary criticism, there is a fourth layer of time: Rosabel's daydreams suddenly feel identical to the dreams of the girl on the bus who was muttering and slobbering, Turning the pages, reading about those "fiery, sensual evenings" in "Anna Lombard." This style of writing continues until the last paragraph of helpless description, the author himself appears, and a little clumsily makes a comment, talking about that "tragic optimism is often the only legacy of youth". It is certain that the story was written in 1908.Evidence of a direct origin of actual experience can be found in Kathlyn's early work, no matter how much fantasy it contains. What would she do with them!A London paper did carry Oki, but it seems to be unique.Margaret knew that Kay had tried to write a 'newsletter' for a newspaper in Wellington, but could not recall a rejection from London.So it seems that Kathlyn is even more lonely in London than she was in Thornton, just a girl writing in a boarding house, struggling alone to discover a style and not knowing where to find the writing all young writers need. criticisms and corrections. 她的困难不仅在于自己是一个消息闭塞的殖民地人，一个消息闭塞的音乐家，还在于她发明的那种文体。她不是天生的小说家，没有什么可以给图书出版商。虽然在爱德华时代伦敦发行的杂志数量超过以往任何时候，但只有书才算是货真价实的东西。凯什琳?比切姆绞尽脑汁想要创作的并不是那种戏剧家称作“窗帘”的、杂志上刊载的小说或威尔斯和吉卜林式的小说——她更喜欢窗户本身。编辑们想要情节，还要有幸福的结局，她的目标却在别处——强调所谓的小事情，正如她对加纳特说的那样，“让每一件事情都有意义”。当时在英格兰这样一种短篇小说是没有的。也没有凯丝?比切姆能施展一二的天地，就像在都柏林年轻的詹姆斯?乔伊斯①无处施展才华一①《安娜?隆巴德》，是1901年在伦敦出版的一本黄色畅销书。——原注①詹姆斯?乔伊斯（1882～1941），爱尔兰小说家，代表作为。——译注样。 爱德华时代无论哪一种期刊都是绅士们阅读的杂志——《玉米堆》以及《海滩》等都散发着一种港口和皮椅子的气味，这会使凯什琳立即联想到它们属于父亲在惠灵顿的俱乐部，属于那个有着公认的生活态度、人生观的世界，阿诺尔德?本涅特②就可以很好地描述一番这个世界的面目。 1908年四月，本涅特在一份小小的叫作《新时代》的具有社会主义倾向的周刊上撰文说，“在任何'世界强国'中，包括美国在内，英格兰的期刊是最愚蠢幼稚的”。《海滩》和《铁圈球杂志》“毫无希望”，刊登的只是一些“随手捡来的最差劲的小说”，《玉米堆》则代表了“不列颠民族性中最糟糕的东西，像一个从外交部退休的小官员那样四平八稳，空虚乏味。把一期杂志从头看到尾也找不到一丝半点有意思的话。”两年后，在伦敦发行了一份引人注目的“纯文学报纸”，主要刊载文学新作。知道此事后，本涅特宣称“在英格兰这将是一件新奇的事”。 那些体面的周刊《雅典娜神庙》《观察家》《民族》等几乎不值得一试，它们全都属于凯什琳希望逃避的那个世界；而那时福特?马多克斯?福特①还没有创办《英语评论》，直至1908年12月，他才“怀着在英格兰给富有想象力的文学以一席之地”的目的创办了这份刊物。 尽管凯什琳以自我为中心，爱说假话，但她那孤独、执著的追求中有着令人鼓舞、使人钦佩的东西。她最需要的是找到并会见自己的同路人。 从冬天的某个时候开始，似乎加纳特的双亲，或至少是他的父亲开始坚决反对儿子同凯什琳的婚姻，这涉及到金钱问题——因为他们家现在生活窘迫。特罗维尔曾经为了儿子的事业放弃了惠灵顿的各种关系，现在希望重新白手起家，因为儿子们并没有什么大出息，不能给他带来什么学生。他同他妻子认识比切姆——他们已经欠了他很多人情，再让自己的儿子同凯丝结婚会让人觉得他们希望从他那儿得到更多好处。而且，凯什琳最近变得“成熟”起来，这肯定让人稍有察觉，他们也一定注意到她突然移情于孪生兄弟中的另一位。他们确实接受了她的接济，有一段时间，她正式搬出比切姆公寓，转而付食宿费给特罗维尔太太，既然加纳特不在家，她大概住在他房间里。 冬天像秋天一样地过去了，凯丝和玛格丽特都“秘密地订了婚”，并为此感到幸福。11月，加纳特回家休假一星期后，凯丝才去同他父母亲住在一起，整个11月，凯什琳都在伦敦，但是冬天某个时候，在卡尔顿山发生了一些事情。加纳特同父亲为是否悔约发生了争吵，不管母亲怎么想，父亲绝不会让儿子们自作主张。他有些固执，喜欢最后拿主意。于是突然之间全家人都不再对凯丝表示亲切友好，而她那时显然非常需要这些情感。在她给加纳特的信中，随处可见后来在小说中描写过的那种对家的幻想，这种幻想突然之间破灭了，她回到比切姆公寓，住了一个便宜的房间，这大概是在1月。 2月发生了更多变化，凯丝通过玛格丽特的朋友们结识了一位男高音歌手，他长得“白里透红”，浑身上下收拾得干干净净，留着小胡髭，头发从中分开，是一个浸礼会牧师的儿子，比她大11岁。他是伦敦某神学院的教师，说是个歌唱家，不如说是演说家更合适些。他住在比切姆公寓附近，对她一②阿诺尔德?本涅待（1867～1931），英国小说家，剧作家兼记者。——译注①福特?马多克斯?福特（1873～1939），英国小说家，编辑。他创办的《英语评论》给当时尚未成名的劳伦斯、庞德等人经常提供发表作品的机会。——译注见钟情，据玛格丽特说，“第二天就给她写了长长的一封情书，以后每天书信不断，而她格格笑着，大声把这些念给我和阿密听，一面加上些尖刻的评论，尽管我们抗议说这对他不公平。” 那时玛格丽特并没有意识到这其实是第一个迹象，表明扮演不同角色的这种游戏将把凯什琳引向何处（这也是后来两篇“悔罪”小说的主题故事中都毫不留情地讽刺了一个大声念情书并加以嘲笑的年轻女人）。直到1948年玛格丽特才知道凯什琳在自己家和特罗维尔家中叫作“凯丝”，在埃达面前叫“凯蒂”，而后来所有的朋友则叫她“凯什琳”。玛格丽特说，“我相信不同的名字对她意味着不同的个性，..对于我，她总是亲爱的、诚实无私的人，处处为人着想，而且极有魅力（毫不矫揉造作）。她确实没有一点那些别人一目了然的坏处或更不好的表现。我们从未有过不和睦的时候，直到突然一下！月末，她一反常态，变得疏远冷淡，几天之内就从比切姆公寓消失了，留下了一大堆闲话。很久以后，一位女孩对玛格丽特说，有一天9点钟吃早饭时凯什琳出现了，“泰然自若，身穿红白两色条纹新衣，褐色呢裙，宣布说她刚才结婚了。”然后她又离开了，没对那些曾经是亲密无间的朋友们作任何解释。人们议论说她正在写一本书，这样做只是想亲身体验一下。两个星期后，这位女孩在报纸上看见一则结婚启事，凯什琳成为乔治?波登太太。1949年，华森小姐在卡迪夫①担任莎士比亚剧团音乐指导，她这样描述了“旅行小姐”的别离：她还非常年轻，我从别的女孩那儿知道她已订婚了，打算马上结婚，就同她谈了一次，恳求她写信向父母征求意见，获得准许，再作出结婚这项严肃的决定。她答应了，而且似乎很诚恳。几天后，她说去拜访朋友们，接着就传来她己结婚的消息。当人们开始说闲话时，我了解到她对不同的女孩讲了七八个不同的故事。我猜想她那小说家的天赋使她能把自己想象成不同浪漫史中的女主角。不久，她让人来取走自己的东西，以后的事我就不知道，也不感兴趣了。我的印象是她不真诚，我甚至不记得她的外貌了。 ①卡迪夫、英格兰西南部城市。 ——译注1909年，“波登太太”我说，维，只要半分钟，维，是这样的，你想要自由，这样吧，你知道——如果你想要自由，这不过是我的一个主意。你知道那些俄国学生是怎么做的吗？在俄国，是举行一种形式上的婚姻，仅仅是形式，使女孩子摆脱父母的控制，明白吗？你只需同我结婚，而不要承担什么责任，没有阻隔，一切都照现状。why not?获得一张结婚证，这不过是我的一个主意，..我希望你没生气。好吧，我走了，要去打曲棍球了，在杰克逊球场，哈里德打得好极了！再见，维，我只是提个建议，不要当真，突然想到的。 ——HG威尔斯（特迪向安?维罗尼卡①求婚）1909年3月2日，在埃达?贝克的陪同下，凯什琳去帕丁顿登记处登记结婚。在填写表格时，她将年龄改为22岁，称自己为“无业”未婚妇女。甚至连新郎自己也采取了同样随便的态度，简单地称自己为歌唱家。只有一位双方的朋友参加了这一结婚仪式。 埃达说当时凯什琳全身穿着黑色，头戴一顶“可怕的闪闪发亮的黑草帽”，她声称自己之所以戴上它是为了“增添勇气”。他们在一个糟糕透顶的地方同波登先生见面，那是一个肮脏的空房间。一个“大惊小怪的矮个子”走了进来，因为还需要另一位证人，而波登先生事先并不知道这一点，矮个子只好随便请来了一位职员。“就这样我亲爱的朋友结婚了”。 谈到新郎居然会忘了带一位证人来，他后来的妻子说，“这正像乔治的为人”。 新婚夫妇动身去一家旅馆，埃达回自己的家。凯什琳除了自己从新西兰带来的笨重行李外，别的一无所有，埃达只好把自己一套崭新的梳妆盒暂时借给她，那是别人送给埃达的21岁生日礼物。在包扎梳妆盒时，埃达往里面塞了一张便条，上面写着“权且忍耐”或类似的话。当凯什琳读了便条后，整个情况急转直下，她改变了主意，当天晚上就离开了波登。第二天埃达才知道凯蒂离开了，去了一处她不让人知道的地方。 不久以后，玛格丽特去乔治街的那家小小的瑞士理发店，打听到3月3日（即宣布结婚的那天）凯蒂曾哭哭啼啼，失魂落魄地跑来央求收留她。理发师和她的丈夫在楼上有一个空房间，凯什琳把自己锁在里面，“整整哭了一个星期”。一位波登的学生曾来探望她，但她拒绝一同离开，只是不停地说：“我不能去，我不能去。”然后她又失踪了，没有留下任何地址。 她也没有去找贝尔姨妈，有人替她从比切姆公寓取走了行李，她不能在此继续呆下去。她曾同华森小姐见过面，后者问到波登先生，凯什琳只是说：“不想让他再打扰自己”。后来有个女孩把《晨邮报》①上刊载的结婚启事给玛格丽特看（“我想他故意登载启事，以此促使凯什琳拿定主意”），玛格丽特很着急，又完全感到迷惑不解，凯什琳没有给她留下任何话。 许多年来在凯瑟琳的生活中，波登都是一个默默无闻的可笑人物，凯的第二任丈夫后来的一些议论也多多少少伤害过他。 1949年波登先生写道：“我们的交往并不缺乏友谊与高尚之处，如果别①安?维罗尼卡，是威尔斯同名小说中的女主人公。——译注①《晨邮报》，伦敦的一家报纸。——译注人硬要把我当作一个恶棍，我也不在乎。一切在我们初次相遇时就决定了，而我们最大的错误就在于竟然想入非非地去缔结婚约。” 他们初次见面是在圣?约翰伍德①，当时有名的科普作家卡莱?萨利比家，那是一次晚宴，餐后演奏音乐，波登先生注意到一位“不引人注目，举止有些拘谨的人”坐在钢琴旁的一张矮椅子上。当他介绍自己后，原来的印象改变了，他发现她谈吐十分风趣，于是他们“很快地交谈了几句”。 在另一次音乐晚会上再度相遇时，他惊异地发现她的外貌与前次大不相同，这次她穿着打扮“多多少少有些毛利人风格”，肩上披着一块类似围巾的东西，这使她看上去有些怪异，似乎不仅仅是一种装扮，而是使她整个人产生一种精神上的变换。他觉得她看上去有些像奥斯卡?王尔德。 接着波登先生自己开了一个晚会。在离比切姆公寓不远的圣?玛丽街区，他与一位工程师朋友合住一套工作室，这位朋友是个业余音乐家，特别爱好伊丽莎白时代的爱情歌曲。他们两人有一个仆人，晚会那天，当仆人打开房门，通报”凯什琳?比切姆小姐”时，整个房间立刻一片沉寂。“又是一次变换”，这次头发梳得很高，衣着几乎像个小姑娘，整个举止“王公贵族般的坦率随意”。从那以后，她成了一位常客，让人感到她喜欢“分享我们这些单身汉的生活”。 后来波登先生去医院摘除扁桃腺，凯什琳给他写信，要求等他回家后，坐车去看他。就这样，他们订婚了，在第二天的萨利比家的晚宴上宣布了这消息，并告诉了伦敦音乐学会的亨利?比切姆，他是凯在伦敦的保护人。亨利写信给新西兰，但凯却匆匆行事，干吗要等待同意？再说波登也同情妇女解放运动，他的观点是“婚姻应该进一步解放妇女，而不是约束她们”。无论如何，那时己是1909年了。 他们着手准备结婚，凯要加入寓所内的单身汉生活。她坐下来写了一封长信给她的未婚夫讨论这个问题：他们将相逢在“随处可见的路边的篝火旁”，而不是共同踏上幸福的征途（她那时正在阅读乔治?博罗①的作品），然而他并未放在心上，以为这不过是她“常用的比喻”而已，她常常提到的吉普赛似的生活似乎只是象征性的。总而言之，一切还保留独身生活的特征。 尽管凯什琳常提到自己的写作，但波登先生对她狂热的野心所知甚少，他几乎总是看见她“心情愉快”，然而有时也会情绪低落，这时她看上去难以接近，而且似乎在演戏，在“享受灵魂的不健康”，他从未见她哭泣过。 接着他们在结婚登记处会面。后来谈到她那一身葬礼式的打扮，波登说：“我并不认为有什么不妥，事情已过去很久了，但我想如果当时我认为这种打扮很出格的话，肯定会评论一二——也许是以开玩笑的口吻。我记得当时凯什琳穿的只是一般上街穿的服装，黑颜色，同她很相宜。 仪式结束后，他们没有回原来的寓所，而是直接去了旅馆。他们一起吃饭，像往常那样态度亲切地看了一场电影，接着波登发现一切都不对头了，就像几天前玛格丽特所感到的一样。那时他并不知道梳妆盒内塞的纸条，只知道在旅馆房间内，“她躺在床上像一根木头一祥”。他说，“你最好还是去给埃达?贝克打个电话。”她照办了，就这么走了，但没有流泪。凯什琳后来告诉埃达，她不能忍受旅馆内粉红色的绸缎床罩和带有粉红色流苏的灯①圣?约翰伍德，伦敦一地名。——译注①乔治?博罗（1803～1881），英国作家，善于描写流浪生活。——泽注罩。她讨厌粉红色的流苏。 有一些凯什琳自己写的东西保留了下来，似乎能更好地解释她的行为。 凯什琳1909年写的一个名叫《一段小插曲》的故事梗概，开头是这样的：“噢，”她说，孩子气地感情冲动，“我太伤心了。”她觉得应该把一切都告诉他——向他倾诉，听取他的意见——得到他的同情——她感到自己必须再听见他那充满抚爱的奇妙声音。 为了讨好他们，她不仅全心全意地投入自己，接受一切——而且似乎有段时间完全依靠他们，虽然事实上她总是独往独来。 我从巴黎回到这儿。噢，我确实感到自己不如死去，我每晚都哭——他们用各种事情来折磨我——这样过了好几个星期——直到最后我下定决心不管会发生什么事情——我都要离开他们。 这似乎指的是卡尔顿山的房子和加纳特的父母亲，以及冬天所有的那些麻烦。从“我”至“她”的这种改换人称是凯典型的作法，好像她不能肯定自己究竟是谁。接下去又写到自己不名一文，“没有朋友，没有希望，没有爱情，孑然一人”，然后又含糊不清地写道：“——来同我订婚——是的，就这么办吧。”她曾经以为一旦结了婚就能得到自由：“但是——我被关进了鸟笼。” 最后是这样结尾的： 她一生中从没有如此需要爱情，她觉得自己像一个原始女人，所有的谨慎小心都置于脑后。 “你到哪儿去了？” “我去散步，吹吹风。” 她看到一瓶桉叶油，枕旁放着那两条手帕，感到非常厌恶。 这些片断多少与她的结婚以及婚前发生的事情有关。看过莫德?阿伦的舞蹈后，她曾经写信告诉过加纳特自己有“一个古怪的野心”，她可以写些东西，可以非常美妙地在灯光暗下来的舞台上朗诵：“研究嗓音中声调的效果，绝不依赖手势，虽然手势是另一密切相关的艺术形式”，她说自己愿意做“这种艺术的莫德?阿伦”。也许遇见乔治?波登时——他教了一辈子发音方法，而且她觉得他的嗓音“充满抚爱”——她认为找到了能够帮助自己的人。 此时凯什琳还写过一封信给一位不知名的朋友，信封两面都写着：“请以朋友的名誉起誓，当我活着时，绝不读此。K.曼斯菲尔德。”此信问这位朋友：“你是否读过奥斯卡?王尔德的生平——不但读过，而且思索过——能够确切地描述他的颓废堕落吗？他不寻常的弱点和失败的原因是什么？” 在新西兰，王尔德对我影响极大，我也经常屈服于那使他毁灭，使他智力衰竭的同样的疯狂情绪。现在我觉得很悲哀——这些情绪又回来了，有时我会完全忘了它——然后它们又以可怕的力量重新迸发出来，几乎无法阻挡——这是我瞒着世人和你的秘密——只有一个人分享我的秘密，那就是——，因为她也一样遭受同样的恐惧——我们常常谈到它，知道它最终将毁了我们，使我们疯狂或瘫痪——而没有什么目的——很奇怪你和我从没有分享这个秘密——我知道你能理解，没人可以帮忙——从我18岁时起就一直是这样。这也是鲁道夫死亡的原因。 我今天当着他的面读了此信，我的理智不受道德的约束——我知道这是难以启齿的堕落——以至于只有在枪口下才能意识到尊严。 不管此信是写给谁的，这人知道鲁道夫的自杀和自杀原因，而且会把此信当作一封自杀遗书，虽然实际上这并非遗书，显然只是某个紧张戏剧中的一部分，而结婚则是另一部分，也许那是凯什琳不顾一切的尝试，想证实自己是个正常的女人，男人的女人，因为自从惠灵顿的恋情后，她一直受到羞愧的折磨。离开理发店后，凯什琳“失踪了”，其实她去了利物浦①，以加纳特妻子的身份参加了剧团，成为合唱队的一员，有一段时间感到“幸福”。 的确，几年以后，凯常常告诉她第二个丈夫一些她同加纳特一路上的有趣故事：怎么在公寓的煤气炉上烧鳟鱼；怎么在合唱队唱歌，还学会了那时候在外省唱歌时合唱队必须做的一些荒唐动作。 莫迪?马勒斯剧团3月底到了利物浦，那以前在格拉斯哥①。几个月后，中有一则“星期日早晨”的记载，写给加纳特，谈到痛苦的记忆：又是一个星期日，这一天会给我们两人带来什么呢？给我的是甜蜜和焦急——利物浦——卡尔顿山——但不是家。又在下雨，这种持续不断的雨，使人产生绵绵思绪，回想往事..也就是说，婚后大约一星期，凯什琳就去格拉斯哥找加纳特，然后又去了利物浦。加纳特的父母亲也许在报上见到了结婚启事，并寄给他看。如果她没有告诉过他事实真相，当时他的心情可想而知。鳟鱼和合唱曲的诗情画意不能长久，注定会以两人的痛苦告终。 回到伦敦，唯一可呆的地方是贝克医生家。4月初，凯知道了母亲要来英国看她，因为银行的基先生发电报告诉她母亲凯已结婚，使她大吃一惊。 她18日乘船从惠灵顿启程，那是一个“美好的星期五”——这一天的日记充满了受难日的感伤，使人不忍卒读。 凯什琳不久知道自己怀孕了。埃达的一位护士朋友被请来看她皮肤上莫名其妙的风疹块，护士锐利的眼睛立刻看出了问题，这次是真的了。