Chapter 11 Section 11

"No one knows where I came from! No one knows where I'm going!" Jiang Yanrong lay on the bed, looking up at the ceiling.All day, she didn't eat or drink, and her mind was empty and chaotic.But now, these few words came to her mind inexplicably.Yes, from where?She really wondered where her life came from?How wonderful life is, you don't need to ask, you are there, when you are still confused, you already exist.She remembered the two sentences in a verse written by Emperor Shunzhi when he was a monk that her father said: "Who was I before I was born, and who am I after I was born?" She also wondered who was her and who was she? "I don't know where I was nineteen years ago?" She was thinking vaguely: "I don't know where I will be a hundred years later?" There was a water stain on the ceiling, and she stared fixedly at that water stain. "Why am I me and not someone else? I am willing to be anyone, as long as it is not Jiang Yanrong!" It was already dark, and the room was dark, only a small lamp on the table was on, and the white magnetic little angel on the lamp Still standing quietly.Jiang Yanrong turned her eyes to the little angel, trying to concentrate her thoughts, but her thoughts were chaotic and unstable. "I am born to be useful, and I will come back after all the money is gone!" she thought. "But I'm not Li Bai, I'm useless, and I don't have a daughter who can come back!" She turned over. "Vanity of vanity, everything is vanity!" This is a sentence in the Bible, and she always feels that this sentence does not make sense. "I don't know where a person goes after death? The soul can probably stay anywhere after leaving the body. The rules of human beings probably can't control the soul!" She felt a headache. "What am I doing? Why are you lying on the bed? Yes, I failed!" She closed her eyes bitterly. "Why didn't there be an earthquake, landslide, or land sinking? If there is an earth-shattering change, then my failure will become a trivial matter!" There were footsteps entering the room, but Jiang Yanrong didn't move.It's Mrs. Jiang.She stopped in front of the bed, staring at Jiang Yanrong, whose face was as white as paper.Then she sat down on the edge of the bed. "Yan Rong," her voice was very soft.

Jiang Yanrong turned her head away, and tears rushed into her eyes again. "Yanrong," Mrs. Jiang said softly, "No one has never failed. Don't think about the things that have passed. Cheer up and take the exam next year! Get up, wash your face, and eat something!" "No , Mom, let me lie down!" Jiang Yanrong turned her head to the wall. "Yanrong, we have to face the reality. Lying on the bed and crying won't solve the problem, can it? Get up and let Yanruo accompany you to watch a movie." Mrs. Jiang gently shook Jiang Yanrong. "No!" Jiang Yanrong said, tears rolling down the corners of her eyes onto the pillow. "Why doesn't she scold me?" She thought: "I'd rather she scold me than forgive me. She must be more sad and disappointed than me! Oh, mother, poor mother, she is the strongest in her life, But I humiliated her, I was the only one who failed the college entrance examination in the alley! Oh, good mother, you are so good, but I am too bad!" Jiang Yanrong cried in her heart, tears rolled down . "You must be heartbroken, but you still have to come to persuade me and comfort me! Mom, I'm not worthy to be your daughter!" She thought, looking at her mother's caring face, new tears welled up again.

"Yanrong, you are not the only one who failed. You just have to take the exam again next year. People are not afraid of failure, they are only afraid of being discouraged. Okay, don't cry, get up and relax, go and play with Zhou Ya'an!" Zhou Ya'an!Both Zhou Ya'an and Cheng Xinwen were admitted to Chengda University, they are both winners, how can she see their happy faces?She closed her eyes and said bitterly: "No! Mom! Let me lie down!" Mrs. Jiang sighed and walked away.Regarding Jiang Yanrong's failure, she was indeed extremely sad. She couldn't figure out the reason for Jiang Yanrong's failure.The failure of the child is also the failure of the mother!However, she was calm, and despite being disappointed, she did not forget that it was her responsibility to cheer up Yan Rong.Seeing Yan Rong's pale face and swollen eyes made her heart ache, and thinking of Yan Rong's failure made her heart ache even more.Walking to her own desk, she spread out the drawing paper, she wanted to draw a picture, but she couldn't write. "In any case, I have fulfilled my responsibilities as a mother! Other mothers spend time at the poker table while their children are admitted to college, what about me? Fate treats me so unfairly!" She sat in a chair, looking at the drawing paper In a daze, the heartache became more severe.

Jiang Yanrong continued to lie on the bed, crying for herself and for her mother.Suddenly, a black shadow flashed in front of her, she opened her eyes, and was surprised to find that Jiang Lin was standing in front of the bed. Since the false accusation of biting hatred, their siblings have not spoken to each other for nearly a year. "Sister," Jiang Lin said with a little embarrassment: "You can't pass the college entrance examination and you are not the only one. Why are you so sad? Here, your favorite beef jerky! Yan Ruo bought it for you. Dad asked if you want it Go to the movies? Fools catch thieves! Is it a comedy film by the British comedian Norman Weston, shall we go?"

Jiang Yanrong stared blankly at Jiang Lin and the bag of beef jerky, feeling dazed.Suddenly, she realized that the whole family treated her so well, that she couldn't pass the college entrance examination, and no one blamed her, but they all came to comfort her, and she wanted to cry again.Turning her head, she choked up and said, "No, I won't go, you guys go!" The younger siblings went to the movies, and she continued to lie on the bed and stare at the ceiling. "I'm sorry to everyone in my family, I've disgraced the whole family!" she thought.It also reminded me of what my mother said before: "Our Jiang family cannot have a daughter who can't pass the college entrance examination!" Shouting in his ear: "You are a disgrace to the Jiang family! You are a disgrace to the Jiang family! You are a disgrace to the Jiang family!" There was a doorbell, and Mrs. Jiang went to open the door, so Jiang Yanrong heard her mother shouting: " Yan Rong, Cheng Xinwen came to see you!"

Immediately, Cheng Xinwen had already entered her room, she ran to the bedside and shouted: "Jiang Yanrong!" Jiang Yanrong couldn't say anything, tears came again. "Don't be so sad," Cheng Xinwen said anxiously, "Think about it, getting into college is not the only thing in your life!" Not the only thing!What was going on in her life?Isn't everything the same as going to college?Oh, if she is admitted to the university, she can also comfort the losers like this.But now, all the comforts have become so stinging, when all your hopes are shattered, how can others cheer you up with just a few words?She really wished that she was born an idiot, without desires, thoughts, and feelings, so that there would be no worries and sorrows.But she is a person with thoughts and feelings! "Jiang Yanrong, don't be bored at home, go out for a walk with me!"

"No!" "Let's go find Zhou Ya'an?" "No!" "Then go to the movies." "No!" "Jiang Yanrong, why are you so determined? You have to be more open-minded in life, getting into college is not a big deal! "If I got in, I would say the same thing.Thinking about it, Jiang Yan shook her head silently.Cheng Xinwen sighed, leaned down and said in a low voice: "Do you need me to do anything for you?" Jiang Yanrong shook his head again.Suddenly he grabbed Cheng Xinwen's hand. "Cheng Xinwen, you are my good friend!"

Cheng Xinwen blinked her eyes and smiled. "We've always been very close, haven't we? Although you've quarreled childishly, you're always the friend I care about the most!" She leaned into Jiang Yanrong's ear and said in a low voice, "I saw Kang Nan in the morning. He asked about you!" Connan!Jiang Yanrong felt another "boom" in his head.Taking the college entrance examination is one of her broken dreams, and Kang Nan is another broken dream.She turned her head away and the tears rolled down again.Three days later, Jiang Yanrong was able to face the problems she encountered.It was a sunny day, and she walked out of the house for the first time since she failed the exam.Standing on the sun-drenched asphalt road, she looked back blankly, unable to determine her direction.In the end, she decided to go to see Zhou Ya'an, she was surprised that Zhou Ya'an hadn't come to see her since she failed the exam. "It seems that friends are the ones who are the easiest to forget to be abandoned by happiness!" She thought, this is the sentence written by Brandy in Jane Eyre.Walking out of the alley, she walked towards Zhou Ya'an's house, and after walking a few steps, she heard someone calling her:

"Jiang Yanrong!" She turned around, it was Ye Xiaozhen and He Qi.They have all been admitted to National Taiwan University. "We are coming to see you." Ye Xiaozhen said. "I was just going to find Zhou Ya'an." Jiang Yanrong stopped and said. "What a coincidence, we came from Zhou Ya'an's house." He Qi said. "Is she at home?" "Yeah." Ye Xiaozhen took Jiang Yanrong's arm: "Let's go for a walk, I have something to talk to you." Jiang Yanrong followed them obediently, Ye Xiaozhen pondered for a while and said:

"Zhou Ya'an told us that Kang Nan ruined you, because of him, you didn't get into college, did you?" Zhou Ya'an!Jiang Yanrong thought dizzily: "You are such a good friend, you even beat Kang Nan into it when I failed!" She looked at Ye Xiaozhen speechlessly.He Qi went on to say: "Zhou Ya'an told us a lot of things. I really didn't expect Kang Nan to lure you with a letter in your notebook. Jiang Yanrong, you should wake up. Kang Nan is so shameless..." "Zhou Ya'an betrayed you." Kill me!" Jiang Yanrong said angrily. "Don't blame Zhou Ya'an, we forced her to say it." Ye Xiaozhen said.

"She shouldn't have said that those letters didn't have a hint of seduction. You can't blame the other party for the relationship. Zhou Ya'an was wrong! She shouldn't have said that, I trust her too much!" Jiang Yanrong said, biting her lip. "Jiang Yanrong, we are so good at school, let me advise you: avoid Kang Nan, he is not a gentleman!" Ye Xiaozhen said. "Don't you admire him the most?" Jiang Yanrong asked. "That was before. At that time, I didn't know that his moral face was all a disguise! Thinking about it now, this person is really scary!" "I see, Ye Xiaozhen, don't worry, I will avoid him!" After breaking up with Ye Xiaozhen and the others, Jiang Yanrong rushed to Zhou Ya'an's house, and immediately said: "Zhou Ya'an, hello, have you forgotten who I am?" "What's wrong? You?" Zhou Ya'an asked. "Is it my fault that I didn't visit you? I just fell ill." "Zhou Ya'an, you betrayed me! You shouldn't have told Ye Xiaozhen and the others about those things, and you shouldn't have blamed me for not being admitted to university." On Connan!" "Shouldn't he be responsible? If you didn't run into his room every day, if you weren't dazzled by love, wouldn't you be able to pass the college entrance examination?" "Zhou Ya'an, I trust you too much, and now I know that you are not a trustworthy friend!" "Jiang Yanrong," Zhou Ya'an said in confusion, "Did you come to quarrel with me?" "I came to quarrel with you," Jiang Yanrong burst out of sadness and grievances on Zhou Ya'an: "Let me tell you, our friendship is over!" "Are you here to announce the severance of friendship with me? For such a trivial matter?" "Yes! For this little thing! My mother often said: 'It is better to have no friends than to have friends.' I only understand this meaning now! Zhou Ya'an, let me say goodbye to you! I will never have friends again!" After finishing speaking , she turned around and walked towards the main road without looking back.After leaving Zhou Ya'an's house, she felt at a loss, got on the bus, and got off at Ximending aimlessly.She walked along the sidewalk at her own pace. The street was full of people, bustling and hurrying.But she just felt lonely.At the entrance of a movie theater, she stopped, bought a ticket without any idea, and followed the crowd into the theater.She didn't want to watch a movie, she just didn't know what to do.As soon as she sat down, she heard a voice not far away saying: "Look! That's Jiang Yanrong!" "Really?" Another voice said, obviously it was their classmate: "Where is it? Is Kang Nan with her?" "Don't be confused, Kang Nan won't go in and out of public places with her!" "Did you know?" A new voice interjected: "Jiang Yanrong is Jiang Yangzhi's daughter, I really can't see that a learned man like Jiang Yangzhi would have a daughter who would throw himself into the male teacher's room! "It's said that Kang Nan doesn't love her at all, she is the one who clings to Kang Nan!" It's over!I can't stay here either!Jiang Yanrong stood up and rushed out of the cinema as if fleeing.Back on the street, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "God! What should I do?" Leaning against the wall of the cinema, she pressed her heart tightly with her hands, a gust of cold air rose from her chest, and her forehead was covered with cold sweat.She felt dizzy, as if the whole street was looking at her, tens of thousands of hands were pointing at her, and several voices shouted in her ear: "Look, that's Jiang Yanrong! That man ran to the male teacher's room Little whore!" "See? That's Jiang Yangzhi's daughter. She can't get into college, but she can seduce male teachers!" She looked around, as if she saw many mocking faces and heard many accusing voices. Quickly closed her eyes again: "No! No! No!" she whispered to herself, wiping the sweat from her forehead.He staggered and rushed to the street. "Give me a way, please give me a way!" She was yelling repeatedly in her heart, a car passed by her, and the driver stuck his head out of the window and cursed at her: "Don't you have eyes? You want to die! Fuck it!" She stumbled across the street, wandering aimlessly on the sidewalk. "Courting death", yes, courting death!She stopped suddenly, and turned her head to look at the car that almost hit her, but it was already gone.She stared blankly at the cars passing by on the street, her heart was beating wildly, and a thought quickly grew and took shape in her mind. "Yes, courting death! When a person dies, he will be liberated. There will be no more pain, no worries, no sorrow and sorrow!" She stared at the street, and for a moment, it seemed that all the sounds in the world merged into one wave , kept shouting in her ear: "Die! Die! Die!" She stepped into a pharmacy and said calmly, "Give me three sleeping pills, please!" Holding the pills, she stepped into another pharmacy.Within an hour, she walked to a dozen pharmacies.Back home, she was very tired, and hid the thirty or so sleeping pills she had collected in a drawer. She ate peacefully and helped her mother wash the dishes. At dusk, the sky changed.There was a wind blowing outside the window, and the rain slanted in through the window.Jiang Yanrong stood leaning against the window, the cool raindrops floating on her hair and cheeks.Outside the window is a hazy night fog. "Is there a soul after death?" she asked herself. "If there is a soul, this drizzle night should be the best time for the soul to come out." She stood quietly, feeling the night and the rain. "What else should I do? Before I leave this world?" She returned to the table, took out a piece of letter paper, and wrote along the pen: "Who cares about me? Go without any hindrance!" She was stunned for a moment, looked at the night and rain outside the window, and continued to write: "When the drizzle drenches the moss, when the night mist covers the tower, please open your windows, that wandering ghost, wandering around! O wandering soul, longing to come in! " Putting her cheeks in her hands, she pondered for a while, and then wrote: "Oh, when the rain drenches the moss, When the night fog covers the building, please open your windows, no one will restrict my steps, I will return to be with you! I will return to be with you! " After finishing writing, she put her head down on the table, her throat was blocked, and her heart was broken.After a while, she changed a piece of stationery and began to write a simple letter. "South: Goodbye! I'm gone, don't call me cowardly, don't blame me for being weak, in this world, you have given me happiness, sorrow, fantasy and despair.Now, with everything you gave me, I am leaving. Believe me, when I write this letter, I feel more sad than when you read it.Don't be sad for me, think about it, when I was alive, I didn't have a chance to laugh, and when I was gone, I might find peace and tranquility instead.Therefore, when you are sad for my passing, you might as well be thankful for my peace at last.I hope that I can take away your misfortune together, bless you, and hope that in the years to come, you can get joy and happiness. You once said that you doubted the news of your wife's death, and I also hope that it is just a rumor.If you can finally reunite with your wife one day, please tell her that in this world, there was such a little girl who loved the one she loved and envied everything she had! remember?One day you wrote on a piece of paper: 'If you can't fulfill your wish in this life, why not meet again in the next life? 'Okay, let me look forward to the afterlife.It's just that you should pay attention at that time, and don't let there be another twenty years in between! Goodbye!teacher!Let me say one last thing: I - love you!Allow" After finishing writing the letter, she put the poem she just wrote together with the envelope, and walked to the alley in the rain to post the letter.When I got home, it was already late at night.Mrs. Jiang is drawing a picture.She walked up to Mrs. Jiang and silently looked at Mrs. Jiang's hair, face, those focused eyes, and the hand holding the pen... a kind of attachment and admiration arose spontaneously, and she felt her throat constricted, tears poured into the eye sockets.She called out in a trembling voice: "Mom!" Mrs. Jiang turned around, and Jiang Yanrong suddenly threw herself into her arms, wrapped her arms around her waist, buried her face in her chest, and cried: "Mom, please forgive me. I'm a bad boy. I'm sorry for your love and education for so many years!" Mrs. Jiang was a little surprised by her sudden action, but then she understood, and she stroked Jiang Yanrong's hair , said softly: "Go to sleep, if you don't pass the exam this year, you can take the exam next year!" "Mom, can you forgive me and don't blame me?" Jiang Yanrong raised her head, looking at Mrs. Jiang with blurred tears. "Of course." Mrs. Jiang said, feeling sore in her nose. Jiang Yanrong stood up, hugged her mother's neck, and kissed Mrs. Jiang on the cheek. "Mom, bye!" She said reluctantly. "Goodbye! Go to bed early!" Jiang Yanrong left her mother's room and saw Jiang Yangzhi writing in front of the lamp. She didn't stop, but said softly in her heart: "Daddy, goodbye too!" In her room, she stared blankly at Jiang Yanruo who was sleeping soundly on the bed, and said to her sister in a low voice like praying: "Please replace me and be a good daughter! Please comfort father and mother!" Walking to the table, she Finding out the pills, she looked around the room instinctively, the familiar green curtains, the little angel on the lamp, the books on the bookshelf, and a watercolor painting of Jiang Lin on the wall... She stood there blankly, vaguely remembering In her childhood, she wandered here and there with her parents, and she seemed to see the girl with two braids walking long distances behind her parents.In the turbulent city, on the grassy hillside, she sent her childhood away.It's just that she was born in a war-torn era. She fled first from the Japanese army and then from the CCP. She never lived a peaceful day.Then, when she grew up, her parents' attention was all on her younger siblings, and she was left out in the cold.She is far from the age of acting like a baby, and when she was able to act like a baby, she was carrying a burden and trekking on the Hunan-Guangxi Railway with bare feet. The drizzle beat against the glass windows, and the wind picked up.Jiang Yanrong took a deep breath.She remembered that on Luoxia Road, she and Zhou Ya'an were arm in arm, telling each other their secrets and their visions for the future.She vaguely heard Zhou Ya'an playing their guitar and singing their song: "At the end of the world, duckweeds gather together, and it's rare to meet a friend! Singing in front of the mountain, whispering by the water, revealing my sorrows to each other. Yesterday's sad wind, tonight's bitter rain, It's hard to predict the meeting and parting. The two know each other, and the love is unswerving, and they will be married forever!" All this has been so far apart.She felt the corners of her eyes moist, and she couldn't help saying in a low voice: "Zhou Ya'an, we have always been good friends, and I have never hated you!" Then, Cheng Xinwen's frank and enthusiastic face floated in front of her eyes, and then Ye Xiaozhen, He Qi, Cai Xiuhua... Faces passed by her one after another, and she sighed: "When I was born, I was not As everyone knows, no one will sympathize with you after death. Nineteen years, it's just a dream!" She looked at the little angel on the desk lamp in a daze: "Goodbye! Mi'er!" She said in a low voice, picked up the cup, and swallowed all the pills.Then, she calmly changed into her pajamas, turned off the lamp, and lay down on the bed. "No one knows where I came from, no one knows where I am going!" She seemed to hear someone singing. "A good song!" she thought, gazing at the window. "Or, my 'outside the window' is not in this world. In another world, can there be the 'outside the window' of my dreams?" She was thinking in a daze, looking at the night and rain outside the window... finally lost perception. No one can explain the mystery of life and death, there is only a thin line between them.However, many people who seek to live are unable to live, and many people who seek to die are not able to die.Hui Yanrong was in a daze, feeling as if ten thousand people were pulling and dividing her, she was struggling, fighting, and fighting with these ten thousand people who were tearing her apart.Finally, she opened her eyes and saw the room full of people in a trance. The strong light made her have a splitting headache.She continued to struggle, trying to figure out what was going on, her ears were full of chaotic voices, as if someone was beating gongs and drums inside her head, she tried to turn her head to one side, and then, she heard a series of calling : "Yanrong! Yanrong! Yanrong!" She opened her eyes again, and saw tens of thousands of mother's faces. She tried her best to concentrate and stared at these tens of thousands of faces. Finally, these faces merged into one, and she heard her mother say: "Yanrong, why are you? Why?" She woke up, and the floating "I" came back, yes, she understood, everything was over, she didn't die.Closing her eyes, tears rolled down the corners of her eyes, she turned her head to the bed, tears quickly wet the pillow. "Okay, Mrs. Jiang, don't worry, there is no danger anymore!" This was the voice of Dr. Zhang she was familiar with. "Do you think you don't need to send him to the hospital? Doctor Zhang?" It was the voice of his father. "No, persuade her, don't stimulate her, let her rest more." The doctor left, and Jiang Yanrong looked at her mother with tears in her eyes. The light green curtains, bookshelves, small desk lamp... She thought she would never see these again, but now they appeared in front of her one by one.Mrs. Jiang held her hand: "Yanrong, why are you doing this?" Jiang Yanrong turned his head with great effort, tears rolling down uncontrollably. "Tell mom, why are you?" Mrs. Jiang asked. "Un-listed." She uttered two words, and the weakness of her voice surprised her. "That's not the real reason, I want the real reason!" Mrs. Jiang asked after her. "Oh, Mom." Jiang Yanrong's head was turned sideways in pain on the pillow, and she closed her eyes to avoid her mother's gaze. "Mom, don't ask, let my sister rest." Yan Ruo who was on the side said, wiping the cold sweat off Jiang Yanrong's forehead with a handkerchief. "No! I must know the facts. Yan Rong, tell me!" "Mom, no, no!" Jiang Yanrong cried, looking at her mother pleadingly. "Yiru, let her sleep, and see you later in two days!" Jiang Yangzhi interjected, looking at Jiang Yanrong's small, pale face incredulously. "No, I must know the truth now! Yanrong, tell me! Is there anything you can't tell mother?" Jiang Yanrong opened his eyes wide, and his mother's face had a sense of authoritative oppression, and her calm eyes were tight Stare at her.She felt that there was no way to escape, she closed her eyes, her head was in severe pain, and she was bathed in cold sweat, Mrs. Jiang's voice rang again: "Are you for a man? You called someone when you were unconscious Name, tell me, are you for him?" "Oh, mom, mom!" Jiang Yanrong cried out in pain, trying to explain, but she was so tired and had a splitting headache, she cried and begged in a low voice: "Mom, forgive me, I love him." "Who?" Jiang The wife asked urgently. "Kangnan, Kangnan, Kangnan!" Jiang Yanrong yelled, burying her head in the pillow and crying bitterly. "Is that your male teacher? The one who teaches in the provincial × middle school?" Mrs. Jiang asked. "Oh, mom, oh, mom, oh!" Her voice drifted out from the pillow. "I love him, mother, don't make things difficult for him, mother, please, please!" "Okay, Yanrong," Mrs. Jiang said calmly, "I tell you, the people who love you the most in the world are your parents. If you have any problems, you should tell your mother frankly, and you should not commit suicide! I am not an unenlightened mother. Absolute freedom of love and marriage. If you really love each other, I will never hinder you! Why do you hide from your mother and treat your mother as an outsider? Why don’t you ask your mother for help when you have problems? The world loves you the most Who is it? Who can help you the most? If you don’t seek death, I won’t know about you and Kang Nan! If you die like this, I don’t even know why you died! Yan Rong, Think about it, are you doing the right thing?" "Oh, Mom." Jiang Yanrong called in a low voice. "Okay, go to sleep now, trust mom, I will not interfere with your marriage, you can marry Kangnan at any time, as long as you want. But I want to talk to Kangnan first. Do you want to eat anything?" "No, mom, oh, mom, thank you." Jiang Yanrong shouted gratefully. Mrs. Jiang tightly shut her mouth, watching Jiang Yanrong fall asleep quickly after being overly tired.She covered the quilt for her, implying that Yan Ruo and Jiang Lin both left the room.She went to the living room, sat down on the sofa, looked at Jiang Yangzhi who was in a daze, and said with a sneer, "Hmph, children nowadays think that their parents are devils and their enemies. If there is anything, they will I would rather tell my classmates than tell my parents!" "Who is Kang Nan? Mom?" Jiang Lin asked. "How do I know who he is?" Mrs. Jiang said angrily: "If he is not a god, he is a devil! But the latter is mostly!" She looked at Jiang Yangzhi: "Yangzhi, why do we have children? ?” Jiang Yangzhi still stood silently, this sudden incident completely overwhelmed his head, he felt at a loss!His learning seems useless here. "Hmph!" Mrs. Jiang stood up, "I just now know why Yanrong didn't get into college!" Grabbing her purse, she rushed out of the gate.