Chapter 11 Chapter Eleven

I was forced to promise Mo Shaoqian that I would be there whenever I wanted to, and maintain this improper relationship with him for a long time.No one knows what I've been through, no one knows what I've endured.I have been waiting, waiting for Mo Shaoqian to get tired of me, waiting for Mo Shaoqian to finally let me go... But in the past three years, he never gave me a chance, and every time I commit suicide, I end up in despair. The time I cut open the veins in my wrist, Mo Shaoqian finally got angry. He said to me coldly: "If you are sensible, I might get tired of it in a year or so. If you attract my attention like this, I just It will backfire."

I knew what he said was true, I obediently quieted down, obediently listened to his words, put on airs to him, even pretended to be coquettish on purpose, I waited and endured until today. I've endured until today, I've endured everything, until today.I told Xiao Shan upside down. I thought a long time ago that if Xiao Shan knew, if he knew, he would come back and take me away, he would come back to save me.I always knew, I spoke intermittently, several times I couldn't organize my words, there were many things I couldn't say, everything I had ever been felt made me feel unspeakable.

Xiao Shan was trembling all over, he let me go, I saw his eyes were red, like a trapped animal, I kept thinking, if Xiao Shan knew, he would definitely come to save me.If Xiao Shan knew, he would definitely come to save me.......I just lied to myself over and over again, so that I survived, and that I could still see Xiao Shan, because I knew that he would not allow anyone to do that for me.Xiao Shan suddenly stretched out his hand and punched the wall fiercely, punching so hard, one punch after another, just like hitting my heart.I went up to pull him, but he shook me off, his fist was bleeding, and he was bursting with anger, I pulled him desperately, but he shook me off over and over again, just beating the wall fiercely, a little bit of blood Splashing on the wall, he growled like a trapped animal.I finally held him back, and suddenly he burst into tears while hugging me.

It's the first time I've seen a man cry like this.He hugged me and wept loudly like a child. He was crying so hard that his whole body was shaking, and my whole body was shaking too. I held his head in my arms. If Xiao Shan knew, he would definitely not let me suffer from that.I know he wouldn't let me suffer from that, if he knew, if he knew. I hugged Xiao Shan who was crying bitterly, tears streaming down my face, if he knew, he would definitely come back to save me. I don't know how long I cried, and finally lost consciousness as if fainted.When I woke up, I was sleeping on the sofa, covered with a quilt, while Xiao Shan was wrapped in a blanket and sleeping on the sofa on the other side.He was still clenching his teeth and frowning in his sleep. I looked at him, and he turned over and wrapped the blanket tighter.After so many years, I miraculously returned to his side, and I could just quietly watch him fall asleep.

The wound on his hand was not bandaged, and it was bloody. I got up to find the first-aid kit, and halfway through finding it, it seemed that the phone rang.I was afraid of waking Xiao Shan up, so I hurried over to look for his cell phone, but his cell phone was actually on the coffee table, and I saw the display on it: "Did Lin Zixian answer the call?" I stared blankly at the name, the sudden change made me lose my mind, I grabbed Xiao Shan and led me to escape, and I told Xiao Shan everything, because all the things I have endured alone over the years have brought me to the point of collapse edge.I selfishly told Xiao Shan everything, he will not sit idly by, maybe he will never leave me again.

But Lin Zixian, I shouldn't hold onto Xiao Shan, I shouldn't forget that his girlfriend is Lin Zixian now. And he and I have been separated for many years. The ringing of the phone finally woke him up, and he sat up and looked at me, then at the phone. I slowly turned around and went to the bathroom, I turned on the faucet to the maximum, I said I love me --- last night --- but I forgot about Lin Zixian. I've hurt a woman, whether I wanted it or not, That was the most shameful thing I've ever done, and now I might be hurting another woman. I can't forget the way Lin Zixian came to look for me, the way she looked lonely and lonely smoking, but only if I really love someone very much can I do it.But I have never been so selfish, I love Xiao Shan, and I selfishly hold on to him.As soon as he said he loved me, I gave him everything.I told him everything I had suffered, I made him feel guilty, I made it impossible for him to leave me.

I put the water very high and it made a loud splashing noise, or this way I can ignore what Xiao Shan said to Lin Zixian outside, or this way I can stop crying. Xiao Shan was knocking on the bathroom door, I turned off the tap, and opened the door as if nothing had happened.He looked at me and I even smiled at him. He suddenly hugged me tightly in his arms. I didn't mention Lin Zixian, so I don't want to think about anything at this moment.If I'm selfish let me be selfish, if I'm going to hell let me go to hell, I'm already in hell anyway.I hugged him tightly and greedily breathed the strange yet familiar breath from him.We hugged each other for a long time, and I thought that if I could, I would rather die here in this life.

The wound on his hand made my heart hurt, and I said, "Go to the hospital." "I will not go." "Then I'll buy you medicine." "I go by my own." I looked at his tightly pursed lips, and suddenly felt a kind of fear. I thought of his desperate look last night, and I thought he would really kill someone. "I'll go with you." He was very silent, terribly silent since last night.I don't know what he is thinking, I am very worried about him, I quietly observed his expression along the way He was very silent, terribly silent since last night.I don't know what he was thinking, I was very worried about him, I watched his expression quietly all the way, but he was so silent that I was afraid.

We bought back disinfectant and anti-inflammatory drugs, as well as medical gauze.I carefully cleaned his wound with a cotton swab dipped in liquid medicine. It must have hurt, but he didn't say a word.I applied the medicine powder on his wound, then wrapped it up with gauze little by little, and asked him, "Does it hurt?" He just shook his head too. We lived in that house for three days. During these three days, I cooked for him, changed the dressing for his wound, and snuggled up to him quietly.And he didn't say a word, often just hugged me and stared at me, as if I would disappear if I let go.

Time gradually freezes, I don't want to think about any future, if I can just stay like this for the rest of my life, it's fine for me and Xiao Shan to live like this for the rest of our lives.I know he is not happy, I know he does not fall asleep every night, in the dark, he always hugs me, comforts me, and tries to make out with me.But as soon as he touched me, I couldn't help trembling, I felt filthy, I couldn't face him, I was not worthy of Xiao Shan, everything I had suffered was branded on me, I refused again and again.Xiao Shan always suppressed my resistance silently and vigorously. Once he almost succeeded, but I burst into tears.

He let go of me and looked at me almost in despair, his eyes seemed to have tears in the darkness, I threw myself into his arms and beat him desperately.I know that I am not good, he wants me, just want to prove that he does not dislike, does not dislike everything I have experienced.But I despise myself, I can't forget what Mo Shaoqian has done to me, I am so shameful, I can't forget the humiliation I have suffered in the past three years. Finally Xiao Shan hugged me, and he said, "Go to sleep." He didn't force me any more, but I felt extremely uncomfortable. On the morning of the fourth day, someone finally rang the doorbell, and I saw through the cat's eyes that it was Lin Zixian.I know she will find this place sooner or later, I told her about this place last time, but when I really saw her, I don't think I can deceive myself.Xiao Shan stopped me and refused to let me open the door.I pushed him, but he refused to let go, just blocked the door with his arms open.I was so angry that I beat him hard, but he let me beat him without saying a word.In the end, I felt discouraged: "If you can stop it for a while, can we hide here for a lifetime?" Xiao Shan turned his face away stubbornly, I finally pushed him away and opened the door, Lin Zixian stood outside the door, her face was paler than mine, she looked at Xiao Shan and me, then turned and left. I pushed Xiao Shan to chase her, but Xiao Shan didn't move.I had no choice but to chase it out by myself, Xiao Shan grabbed my arm and refused to let go, I was so angry that I bit him, but he just wouldn't let go.In the end, I was so hurt by him that I kicked him hard. In the end he was bent down by me, I ran downstairs, Lin Zixian didn't go far, I called her name, she turned to look at me. The cold weather in the middle of winter is gray everywhere.Standing there alone, she looked very thin, her face was pointed, and her big eyes were misty.I said, "I'm sorry." Like Yueying, she yelled hysterically at me: "Don't say sorry to me!" All I could say to her was, "I'm sorry." "Tong Xue, I have always hated you, do you know? Before you appeared, Xiao Shan and I got along the best. We have the same interests and hobbies. Our family environment is similar. Everyone thinks we are a couple, but you Transferred to our class. Xiao Shan looks at you differently. I know that you secretly fall in love behind the back of the teacher and the whole class. I know that every time he smiles at you, he will be different from others. I really don’t understand , what is so good about you? Is it because you pretend to be melancholy all the time? Is it because you pretend to be pitiful all the time? I hate your cute and pitiful tone! Finally you broke up, and I finally waited until you broke up. I know that you broke up, I hinted, he pretended not to understand, I confessed to him, but he refused. I was discouraged for half a year, and when I saw him again, I understood that I couldn't let him go, so I continued to work hard. In the past three years , I have been by his side all the time, but he has always been so cold and ruthless. No matter what I say or do, he always rejects me tactfully. Tong Xue, sometimes I really envy you. You can get everything you want with little effort, but I have been hit and beaten again and again. "In the spring of this year, his grandma was diagnosed with cancer. I tried my best to get the old man into the best hospital with the best attending doctor. Do you know what he said to me? He said, Zixian , you are a very good girl, but I only want you as a classmate, and I can't waste your time. "I cried at that time, and I said that I don't want anything, I just want to stay by your side. I know that there is someone in his heart, and he has not let go of this person until today. I have been chasing him for so many years, why? I can't compare to you, Tong Xue!" Her eyes were shining, almost with an aggressive light, she was still so beautiful, even if the circles around her eyes were red, like stamens in the wind, I felt pity for her. Her tone was strong and out of control: "I just don't understand, you two only dated for a year in high school, and you broke up long ago. Why can't Xiao Shan forget you? Will be silent for several days, why did he panic when he heard that you were hospitalized, why no one can mention you in front of him at all! Why does he love you so much that you and she refuse to admit it! " Those pains were like needles that pierced deeply into my heart. I stood there like a wooden man, but it seemed that there was a place where blood was gurgling.The word Xiaoshan is the gate of my despair. No matter who mentions it, I will feel so painful that I would rather die.He is all my joy and joy, but by mistake, he is destined not to have it. She seemed to be smiling, but her eyes were as sharp as a sharp edge: "I went to look for you when Xiao Shan disappeared, and I thought maybe you knew where Xiao Shan was, although it had been several years since you broke up. I didn't expect you to really know—at this time I knew I lost, I lost completely. A few days ago I saw something about you on the Internet. I couldn’t find Xiao Shan, and I couldn’t find you. I knew it must be you who took Xiao Shan away. You let him Bring you here. You coward! You coward! You dragged Xiao Shan to be with you after you made such a scandal yourself! Do you know how Xiao Shan got here these past few years? You are so cold-blooded and ruthless, Xiao Shan When it didn't work for you, you ignored him at all. Now you grab him and use him to hide from reality. You don't think about what it means to him? You don't think about what will happen if you use him like this Consequences? Tong Xue, maybe I am inferior to you in a thousand things, but there is one thing I will always be better than you, and that is that I love him far more than you love him. " Her accusation was like a sword, stabbing hard into my chest, cutting open my whole heart, and making me gasp in pain.I took a step back.Xiao Shan had already chased him down, he stopped Lin Zixian: "Stop talking! You don't know anything!" Lin Zixian glanced at her, her eyes filled with tears: "Then what do you know? She was taken care of by a rich man, and now that something has happened to her, she will drag you around..." Xiao Shan's face turned extremely ugly, I tried my best to pull him but couldn't hold him back, he threw away my hand and said to Lin Zixian: "You go now, I don't want to see you again," Lin Zixian bit her lip, her face was pale, and her whole body seemed to be on the verge of collapse. In the end, her tears finally fell, and she said, "I'm pregnant." The sky was gray-yellow clouds, high and far away, and all the buildings seemed to be very close to me, as if they were about to collapse.Except for that day, the day when I cut my veins, I watched my blood seep into the water, and I felt cold all over, a kind of near-death despair finally came.I know I'm actually dead, ever since.My fingers are cold, and Xiao Shan's fingers are colder than mine. I suddenly feel tired like never before, just like a soldier in ancient times, who has experienced bloodbath on the battlefield, experienced wind and frost swords, and left the battlefield desperately alive, walking a long way It was a long way, and I wanted to go home, but I finally saw the foot of the mountain from a distance, but the neighbor told me that the house at home was burned down, and there was not even a single tile left. Xiao Shan was still holding my hand, wanting to say something to me.I tried to take my hand away from him, and I said to him, "Lend me some money, I want to go back to school." Xiao Shan's hand was still holding my hand tightly, and his nails seemed to be digging into my palm. He closed his lips tightly and said nothing.I said to Lin Zixian: "Then trouble you, lend me some money to buy a train ticket, and I'll pay you back when I get back. Please rest assured, my boyfriend is very rich, and I won't renege on it." I'm even laughing because I don't know what else to do with myself but smile. After all, Xiao Shan and I have no fate. I have only myself in this world, and all the people in the world have abandoned me, and even fate is too stingy to give me a favor. I took the banknote from Lin Zixian, and Xiao Shan finally let go of my hand. I turned my face and said to Xiao Shan: "Take care of her, she needs you most at this time." Xiao Shan also seemed to have calmed down, he said, "Okay." I don't know what he's going to do, but sooner or later he has to face it all. During these three days, he often used this tone, which was so calm that it scared me.I suddenly felt that I did something wrong, I shouldn't have told Xiao Shan about those things, we broke up for so many years, he has no relationship with me, it wasn't me, he can live a better life with Lin Zixian. I don't know how I got back to the city I was familiar with. On the train, I had lost all hope. If it was accused of death, then come on, I don't care anyway.When I returned to school, everything on the campus was as usual, as if nothing had happened, so I mustered up the courage to enter the dormitory building. In the corridor, I ran into a girl from the same class. Before I could dodge, she had already greeted me and said, "We all heard what Yue Ying said, that bastard who spread rumors on the Internet really deserved to be struck by lightning!" I didn't understand what she said at all, I didn't say anything more guilty, the door of the bedroom was ajar, I pushed the door open, there was no one else in the room, only Yueying was there.She was sitting on the bed playing PSP, as if nothing had happened. When she heard footsteps, she looked up at me, then lowered her head and continued playing: "Don't be a coward in the future, run away if you have something to do, it's really useless." I hummed, and she played the game without raising her head: "At first, I didn't want to talk to you anymore, but in the past three years, I always thought that I knew you very well. You must have been fooled by others if you are stubborn! It's an immoral thing, I actually think you must have difficulties...... I think I'm so cheap...... But I just want to believe you...... I'm not helping you, It's just that the post about Mu Zhenfei and you from the university next door came out, and I said a few words...that you are indeed Mu Zhenfei's girlfriend, so don't think I'm helping you... .I'm just...fucking..." She finally cursed, threw the PSP aside forcefully, jumped off the bed, and punched me hard with a wave of her hand, "You You better tell me, you were cheated, you were forced, you didn’t do it on purpose, you didn’t know he had a wife when you fell in love with him, or I’ll tear your bones apart and boil you like a vixen! Even if you lie to me You have to tell me the same, otherwise how can I be worthy of my dead mother!" There were tears in her eyes, I just looked at her silently with tears, I must be ugly when I cried, because she cried and gave me another breath: "Go and wash your face, if you cry again, I will use it The broom sweeps you out!" I went to wash my face obediently, and when I came out, Yueying's mood was also calmed down. She told me that the night before yesterday, someone from the BBS on campus of the university next door broke the news that I was not being taken care of by a rich man, but that I was actually Mu Zhen. fly girlfriend.Then someone gossiped about the Mu family, and this huge business empire surfaced, although it was only a vague outline, it still made everyone gasp. "The Mu family is very rich, richer than my nouveau riche father. Their family is deeply intertwined, and they are very powerful in the industrial world. Some people say that the superconducting laboratory of the university next door was donated by their family, tsk tsk... ..Some people said that the Maybach actually belonged to Mu Zhenfei's relatives, and a group of people finally realized why you were wearing a famous brand." Yue Ying slapped me in disbelief: "You're lucky, even Mu Zhenfei is willing to give you a head tank." I'm still a little numb, I'm the only one who knows the relationship between Mu Zhenfei and Mo Shaoqian, but how could he show up?Could it be because of Mo Shaoqian?But in such a matter, shouldn't Mu Zhenfei stand on his sister's side and gloat over what happened to me, a vixen? Yueying asked me where I had been these past few days, and I told her honestly that Xiao Shan took me away these two days.Yue Ying snorted noncommittally, and finally said: "I'm afraid you will lose your mind and commit suicide for a while, and I will worry for nothing for a few days." I reached out and hugged her, I always wanted to do this pretentious move, Yueying patted my vest and said: "It's all over, but don't do this again in the future, can't you have a serious boyfriend? Why do you have to Want to get entangled with a married man?" I calmly narrated the ins and outs of my relationship with Mo Shaoqian to him, I can tell about the past events calmly, no longer afraid, no longer cover up, if I was still full of grievances and grievances when I narrated to Xiao Shan It was unbearable, but when I narrated it to her, I was able to calm down as much as possible.The more she listened, the more surprised she became, and finally her eyes widened in surprise, especially when I talked about the last suicide, she took a deep breath, grabbed my wrist and lifted up my string of beads that I never picked.The ugly scar was like an earthworm, winding and crawling on my veins. She stared at my scar, and then her eyes fell on my face again. I smiled at her: "I can't play the piano anymore because I can't even hold a glass of water steadily. You keep asking me why I don't play the piano, and I hawed and hawed and never told you the truth .” Her eyes were red, and she hugged me fiercely: "Tong Xue!" She hugged me almost out of breath, and I comforted her: "I've been fine for a long time, really." She beat me hard again: "Why are you always like this, why do you always make me feel so uncomfortable!" I am also very uncomfortable, but everything has passed, no matter how uncomfortable it is, it has become the past.By the time I had the courage to speak out, when a friend could share it for me, it was already over.