Chapter 11 let love go with the wind

The wind is missing. I haven't seen him online since I sent him the letter about my pregnancy. I shouted at him on QQ, and left a message behind his post on the forum, but he never responded. The rainy season has passed, and even the sun has come out again, but he still refuses to appear. Xiyan said: "He did it on purpose. He didn't intend to have this child, but he couldn't say it, so he had to use silence to hint. Wuxin, now you have to figure out what to do next?" "Take him out and ask him! Although apart from an ID, I don't even know his real name, which university he teaches at, or his home address and phone number, but if I look all over the Internet Send out a notice to look for him, maybe no one will know about it. He is a columnist after all, and he is a bit famous, so it is impossible to say that he disappeared so completely!"

I became manic, he came, went, disappeared, everything was really just a dream?But when I woke up from the dream, I had an extra child.What kind of account? "So what if you ask me clearly?" Xiyan looked at me closely, "Let him divorce his wife and marry you? Pay you the breakup fee? Or tear up his face and make a fuss to ruin his reputation?" I froze.If he wanted to make a statement, he had already made a statement, and disappearing was already a kind of rejection.I have been rejected, what should I do next? Xi Yan looked at me, as calm as ever, but no longer the gentleness of the past, but a kind of pure cold, cold to the bone.

"Wuxin, I know you went to see Qin Jin before you left Guangzhou, so what? He is getting married, even if he knew I was in Guangzhou, he would not come out to see me, because he would have nothing to say Say. You went to him and talked for so long, but you didn’t mention a word to me after you came back. Why? Because you also feel that you have nothing to say. It’s over, it’s over, and it’s useless to entangle you any more. Memories are also erased and smeared, it is unbearable to look back. But I have never regretted falling in love with Qin Jin, but I have decided not to love in the future; what about you? Do you regret meeting the wind?"

"No, of course not." I was confused, "The happiest thing in my life was the few days when he came to Meizhou." "Then what else? You told me a long time ago that you don't plan to ask him for the result, so now that he has decided to disappear, you still insist on digging him out, making your story public, and letting him hide from you. You, until I hate you, hate you, is it necessary?" "me……" Xiyan's eloquence was surprisingly good tonight, and I couldn't avoid it at all, and took a step closer aggressively: "If you still love him, please let go, don't embarrass him; if you don't love him anymore, why bother?"

"But……" "If he really plans to divorce and marry you, or hide you in a golden house, do you really plan to live like this all your life waiting, waiting for a man to spend his spare time, energy, affection, and money on you? The one in Meizhou For a few days, he belongs to you completely, so you have been happy and in love, it is enough; if there is more, the story will no longer be good, you will learn to complain, sink, feel sorry for yourself, and look like an abandoned wife , before people get tired of you, you have already given up, the result is almost a foregone conclusion, do you still want to jump in knowingly?"

"So……" "If he stands up and says clearly that he doesn't want you anymore, humbly begs you not to pester him any more, or asks you to forgive him in tears, or threatens you hoarsely, or yells at you in anger, which one do you want to see? Performance?" "I……" "I know you don't choose any of these performances, but can you expect anything else from a married man?" "Stop talking, Xi Yan!" I covered my ears, "What you said is the golden rule and the truth, but please don't say any more." I burst into tears, Xi Yan watched coldly, no longer scolding me nor persuading me.

In Guangzhou, facing Ah Rong’s tears, she was still moved, and stretched out a hand to pat her arm; now, facing my bitter cry, she even stood aside, refusing to even pass a tissue. I cried and cried and became annoyed. I took my hands away and asked, "Why didn't you comfort me?" "How do you want me to comfort you?" Xiyan smiled. "Hug me, put your arms around me and say don't cry, everything will pass, we can start all over again, losing a love once and losing a man with a good heart is not a big deal, forget it as soon as you can... " Halfway through the talk, I found out that I had been tricked, and resentfully said, "Xi Yan, you're so smart that it's annoying."

Instead, Xiyan sighed: "But the one who gets hurt is always the smartest woman, isn't this called cocooning?" After that we never mentioned the name of the wind again. It's just an ID, a memory that originated in the wind and died in the wind. But child, I still decided to give birth to him (her).Because this is a real existence, there is him, because there was love once, I cherish that love, and never regret that my temporary happiness was exchanged for lifelong troubles.When the child is born and grows up, I will tell him clearly: I once loved someone deeply, and that person made me happy, and he is your father.

Xiyan didn't quite agree with my decision, but knowing that the persuasion was useless, she refrained from opening her mouth, and just bought me soup with angelica and ginseng according to the pregnant woman's recipe. I made fun of it: "You have become a good doctor after a long illness, and after drinking too much of Ah Jian's soup, you can learn by yourself without a teacher." Xiyan asked: "When will I officially resign from the club? When will Gao Sheng be notified?" She had a sudden thought, "Can I set the blame?" I couldn't help poohing her: "You can think of such a bad move."

"But if you think about it again, isn't it a good way? Anyway, the time is about the same." As soon as the words came out, her own face blushed. I laughed: "It's not easy for a saint to act like a prostitute, is it?" Then I sighed, "It's not fair to children." Xiyan was in awe: "Now you really look like the Sistine Madonna described by Raphael." I went to the street, ruthlessly, and finally withdrew the ATM card that Mr. Wu left for me in one go. If his original promise was just empty words, or if it was true at the time and he no longer intends to fulfill his promise at this time, I have no choice but to let it go, and take this little money; but if he really asks, I should make up a What kind of story will knock him out again?

On the other hand, Xi Yan began to look for part-time jobs to find a house, and was ready for Gao Sheng to come back at any time. When the two of us were kicked out, we could move out immediately. It's not that she never thought about leaving Meizhou, but she has to wait for the old abbot of the Pankeng Temple to come back and continue to question the truth about Lin Dazhi's death; and I still have a glimmer of hope, hoping to wait for Dafengqixi to change his mind and come to Meizhou to find me again. Wait, wait, how many women have wasted their lives on the word "wait"? Xi Yan returned to work in "Night Angel", and everyone was shocked to find that she had changed. Become frivolous, become indifferent, no longer have a straight face when meeting guests flirting with her, but cooperating with winking eyes, full of wit, in their words - the whole child is "Yun Wuxin second" ". Ms. Qin asked me: "Is it you who trained me by precept and example? Famous teachers give rise to outstanding apprentices, and their skills are extraordinary. Some people said that they saw a customer giving her a ring yesterday." I was in a daze: "I tried to persuade her, but..." However, this is clearly not the Lin Xiyan I know.In the past, I always wanted to bring her down, and wanted her to take off the mask of the saint, like all the girls in 'Night Angel', just like all the girls in 'Night Angel', and just muddle along.However, she only took the first step, which already made me so heartbroken, no, I don't want it, I don't want her to become so realistic, vulgar, sophisticated, and selfish! She should be pure, persistent, and strong. As long as she loves, she will have no regrets for life. She would rather lose everything and maintain her ideal. She is Lin Xiyan, my other half, the most perfect woman in the world, I don't want her to change! It was my turn to preach to her: "Xiyan, material things are not the most important thing in the world. It is already a kind of happiness for a person to meet another person in his life and make himself fall in love deeply and desperately. Persevere in the result, if you love, you should have no regrets!" "But I am tired and unintentional. I am tired for myself and my mother. If you say the words 'good wife and mother', my mother is the best specimen. All her words and deeds are based on these four words. To do it, but my father still abandoned her, just for a bottle of Yunnan Baiyao from half a century ago, and a vague hope...Wuxin, I don’t want to be my mother anymore. From tomorrow on, you can arrange guests for me, I Learn to accompany wine." "What?" I collapsed like I was covered in ice and snow.Xi Yan, she is actually serious, she really desires to degenerate, to be a material woman who only cares about profit.So, what about her love? "Xi Yan, you have changed." I was heartbroken, "You lost yourself." "I've just learned to live for myself." Xi Yan's face was grim, "I don't want to repeat my mother's path, I don't want to expect love that I can't get, I want to enjoy today." In an instant, she turned into another person, taking another pose, like a ghost on her upper body. The goblin who changed her and made her lose her true nature is me. I finally shed tears: "Xiyan, is it for me? Is it because I want to find money for me to do public relations? No need, I can do it myself. I don't need your help." "I'm doing it for myself. You need money, and I need money too." Xi Yan said with a cold face, "Don't stop me, I've already decided, from now on, I won't be the same Lin Xiyan before!" Yes, she is no longer the former Lin Xiyan. I don't know whether it was Qin Jin's departure or A Rong's story that ruined her, but I know that I am to blame for Xiyan's depravity. I still remember that when Qin Jin left, Xiyan didn't eat or drink and didn't make a sound It was the truth of my mother Yunxiu's success that I told her that made her suddenly sober and completely confused at the same time. She no longer knew what was right and what was wrong, and she completely changed her life and principles for the past twenty years Doubt, and she is such a fierce person, she will immediately put into action whatever she thinks, and things will be reversed. She who was too quiet in the past suddenly became more active than anyone else, flamboyant, and active——she went from one extreme to another an extreme. "The emperor of the South Sea is Shu, the emperor of the North Sea is Hu, and the emperor of the center is Hun Dun." I muttered, "Shu and Hu meet in the land of Hun Chao, and Hun Chao treats them very kindly." Xiyan raised her eyebrows: "Are you saying that you and I are like the two emperors suddenly?" "But when we met, we became 'Hundred Chaos'." I said sadly, "In my mind, 'Hundred Chaos' is a kind of attitude in life, neither biased nor aggressive, neither humble nor arrogant, you don't lean towards me, and I don't lean towards You, but you and I both envy each other's life. It's like Shu and Hu, meeting each other in the land of Chaos, discussing: Everyone has seven orifices, but Chaos is one, why don't we open up the seven orifices for it. So Every day they open a hole for the chaos, and on the seventh day, the chaos will die." The color of the evening changed, and I remained silent for a long time. I said again: "Thus everyone in the world knows to seek what they don't know, but no one knows to seek what they know, and everyone knows that it is not what they are not good at, but no one knows what is not what they have already done, and there is great chaos." Xiyan frowned: "Which part of Zhuangzi is this? How do you explain it?" "Everyone in the world knows how to pursue what they don't know, but they don't know how to continue to explore and maintain what they know. They know what is bad, but they don't know what is good. That's why the world is in chaos." "Wuxin, what are you trying to say?" "Xiyan, you are already perfect, why do you want to change yourself? Do you want to strive for exquisiteness? I have a hunch that if this continues, it will be a tragedy. We will only lose what we have now." "I have no choice." Xi Yan said with a cold face, "People have no choice." I am saddened by Xiyan's change, but I am really not convincing about Xiyan. I am the most hopelessly fallen angel myself. Xiyan was originally the god who redeemed me, but now the Tao is one foot taller and the demon is one foot taller. The god surrendered to the demon. The two of us would go out together after get off work at 3:00 a.m. to be night tour gods. We would go out for supper together with our guests, flirting, witty and witty, and showing off our eloquence and wit. In our clever laughter, the moon and the stars became playful, and the night seeped into the wine glass, as bright as spring. But Xi Yan has been careful not to allow me to drink. It was this kindness that let me know that her heart has not changed after all, and she is still a caring angel with white wings. The wind finally came. The content is similar to what we guessed, but the text is far more poetic and tactful than we imagined. The so-called poet is someone who can write a letter of resignation like a love letter. He said that he would cherish the time with me forever, as if the sun and the moon appeared at the same time, so unreal and dazzling.But that kind of burning will eventually turn into ashes one day, and he is already a middle-aged man with a wife and son, so he doesn't have much enthusiasm to burn. He said that our hearts are all lonely and empty, longing for someone to love.In fact, we did have a serious and enjoyable love. Although it was only seven days, we might as well regard it as Seven Lives and Seven Lives. At the end of the letter, at the end of those gorgeous lyricisms, he lightly added a sentence: His ability can only be the father of one child. The front is all laying, the last sentence is the key. I stared at the screen speechless for a long time, and then did an extremely unreasonable thing - I picked up a chair and threw it at the computer. Of course it wasn't the computer's fault, or even the internet, but I had to vent my anger. There is only this little willfulness left to squander. Anyway, I didn't plan to go online again. Xi Yan was not at home, and invited guests to have afternoon tea. She is now a "Night Angel" red label dancer. Although her appearance is mediocre, the guests are not all idiots, and she knows how to distinguish gravel from pearls.The public relations ladies were quickly outnumbered, and they complained so many dirty words in Ms. Qin's ears.But Ms. Qin is happy to have an extra force in the public relations team. As long as Xiyan can still stand up for her to solve small troubles such as buying eggs and foreign wine when needed, Xiyan will let her go. Apart from sleeping and making soup for me, Xiyan is rarely at home now. I couldn't find anyone to complain about, so I just smashed the computer and smashed it, even if it smashed the world, as long as I couldn't hold back my tears. It was never worth shedding a single tear for that person. Do not believe in love anymore. The doorbell rang like a fire alarm, and the doorbell was handed out, out of breath. This afternoon should be busy. I went to open the door with the broken chair legs, and saw a rich woman in gorgeous clothes and makeup standing at the door—about forty years old, dressed gracefully, but with a very haggard face. "I'm Mrs. Wu." She introduced herself, "Mr. Wu has something to tell you." Surprised, I opened the door and invited her in, and went to the kitchen to make tea myself—Baihualou has always refused to hire people because they are unwilling to share secrets with others. When I walked into the kitchen, I found that I was still holding the chair leg in my hand, and I threw it to the corner of the wall, making a "snap", which shocked me.It would be a lie to say that I don't mind, no matter what I do this afternoon, I will lose my composure. Guessing the purpose of Mrs. Wu's visit while making tea, calling the door to ask the teacher?It stands to reason.Mr. Wu is famous for being promiscuous outside, so I may not be the only confidante, besides, I really can't be regarded as his close girlfriend, the most intimate behavior is just kissing the cheek and saying good night and goodbye. If it was Feng's wife who came to humiliate me, I could understand it. The wife of a college teacher has no troubles to experience in her life.But Mrs. Wu, how could she be so leisurely? I adjusted my expression in front of the kitchen mirror, then served tea out, and asked politely, "Where is Mrs. Wu from?" "Dalian. I just returned to Meizhou yesterday." With a straight face, she stirred the teaspoon in the cup, seemingly preoccupied. If she doesn't tell, I won't ask.The heart is still immersed in the letter from the wind. His ability can only be the father of one child.father of a child. Then Shi Potian was shocked, and I heard Mrs. Wu say: "Mr. Wu is dead." What?I startled and knocked over the glass.What?Did I hear you clearly? I raised my head and stared at Mrs. Wu's face, waiting for her to repeat it again. "Mr. Wu is dead. He returned to China last month, went to Dalian on business, and the plane crashed into the sea..." Mrs. Wu narrated coldly like an owl, describing a person's life and death as plain as spring and autumn. Maybe it's because it's been repeated too many times, maybe it's because grief is greater than death. "He seemed to have a premonition. He made a will on the second day after returning to China, and left me a letter saying that he promised to take care of you and pay for your living expenses when you need it..." I know this is not the exact words, and Mr. Wu would not use words like "living expenses", but this is not important anymore.The important thing is that Mr. Wu died. Before he died, he left a will and still thought that there was a girl who needed his care, and that person was me——Yun Wuxin. My heart hurts, it hurts. Even if I don't believe in love, even if I only see Mr. Wu as a guest, I was still deeply hurt by this news. After all, he once genuinely cared about me after all.In Pankeng, on the lake, he held my hand and asked me, "What's your name?" Now I know how true and precious the little love he gave me is.Even if it's just a spark in the cold night, it's still real fire, real light, even if it can't keep warm, it can still illuminate. However, now I can't even see such a glimmer of light.There was boundless darkness all around. Mrs. Chen's words resounded in the empty space: "The women he has dated with are countless. They are all vases with nothing but a bit of beauty, scattered all over the world, waiting to ask for living expenses from him. Now he Once I die, I'm really worried, you women, you all want me to take care of you, but you won't be afraid of loneliness for the rest of your life, you can open a charity home." "Mrs. Chen, if you mean money is tight, I won't..." "No, no, don't worry, since he asked me to take care of you in his last words, I will definitely obey his wishes. You can't make things difficult for the dead, can you?" Mrs. Chen had a smile on her face, but I could read the smile failure behind. I'm a little bit surprised, it's not here to bargain, so what is she here for? Mrs. Chen walked around the room like a shadow, smiling dryly, and every word she said was like a sword stabbing out of the sky. "But I'm curious, and I want to see what that woman he still misses when he's dying is like? Will she cry or laugh when sharing the dead man's money?" I see.She has been contradicting herself.If it is true that Mr. Wu has left many "widows" who need to be taken care of, how can she visit them all?Obviously I am an exception. But I don't want to take advantage of this anymore.She is Mr. Chen's wife, his legitimate first spouse, and she has the right to be angry. "Mrs. Chen, there is something that you may not be interested in knowing, but I still want to tell you: Mr. Chen and I are just friends." "Who are you lying to? Friends? What kind of friends? Friends in bed?" Mrs. Chen sneered again and again, making Ye Xiao's cry. "Do you have to think so?" I interrupted her sharply, "Mrs. Chen, I'm not a virgin, so I don't have to pretend to be pure. If I slept with Mr. Chen, I'm not afraid to tell you, anyway, you have promised to pay my living expenses .I'm telling you this because it's the truth. It doesn't matter whether you believe it or not. I say this to be fair to Mr. Chen." "Really?" She hesitated, "Then why, he wants to take care of you like this?" "Maybe he wants to be a philanthropist." I smiled wryly. "Mr. Chen is a very good person. He sympathizes with me and wants to help me out of suffering." For the first time in my life, I lied for someone else, a good dead man who truly loved me. I told Mrs. Chen the stories of bitterness and hatred that are often seen in third-rate magazines. My parents are seriously ill and my younger siblings are young, so I have to drop out of school and sing to support the family. Mrs. Chen believed it.Or rather, she would like to believe it. We had afternoon tea together, she cried, wept while drinking tea, and told me a lot.Her acquaintance with Mr. Chen, engagement, marriage, separation, raising children. A lonely, unwilling woman.There is everything in the world except true love. She also needs to talk.And I was her best confidant.Because I am not her husband's woman, but I accepted the husband's money transferred by her.She has a sense of superiority and intimacy in front of me. How ridiculous, the wife and the confidante became friends behind the man. Maybe it's because we're all lonely. I thought I was doing good deeds, and listened carefully to Mrs. Chen's complaints all afternoon. Before leaving, Mrs. Wu took out a check from her bag and handed it to me. The amount was very large. If I were a little more frugal, it would be enough for the rest of my life. There is also a gift - it should be called a relic now - a stack of manuscripts that have turned yellow due to age, and it is even hard to tell whether it is jade button paper or silk. It records a passage from "Mountain Wood": Zhuangzi was walking in the mountains and saw a big tree with lush branches and leaves. The woodcutter stopped by it and did not take it.Asked why, he said: "There is nothing to use." Zhuangzi said: "This wood can live forever because of its poor quality!" The master came out of the mountain and left it in the old man's house. .Zhuzi asked, "One can sing, and the other can't, please kill it?" The master said: "Kill the one who can't sing." Tomorrow, the disciple asked Zhuangzi, saying: "Yesterday, the trees in the mountains will live their lives without wood. "Now the master's geese die because they don't sing, where will you go, sir?" Zhuangzi said with a smile: "Zhou will be between good and bad, and between singing and not singing. .If a husband floats around by morality, otherwise, he will have no reputation and no scorpion. One dragon and one snake will change with the times, and he will not be willing to specialize in..." Only then did I finally have a reason and a chance to cry aloud, crying hoarsely and exhaustingly. There is no one in the villa, and Mr. Wu is dead, shouldn't I cry a lot to pay homage to him? The phone rang sharply.I was forced to raise the microphone: "Which one?" "Wenny, it's me, something happened to Shelly, come quickly." It was Miss Qin. "Sheely?" I was taken aback for a moment, Xiyan was always an expert at solving troubles, yet she actually caused troubles? "A guest belittled her, she resisted, Ah Jian suddenly stepped forward and hit the guest with a wine bottle, now the guest has been sent to the hospital, and Ah Jian was also taken away by the police..." I couldn't listen anymore, I grabbed my coat and rushed outside. Shelly?Xi Yan?Once upon a time, I caused trouble outside, and the other party went to the club to seek revenge. Shelly blocked the knife with her body, and saved Qin Jin and me.From a certain point of view, that knife was actually done for me.Because if it wasn't for her knife, the other party would never let it go.But now, everything is turned upside down, she is the one who caused the trouble, and A Jian took the lead to hurt others on her behalf, and asked me to settle it... Tit for tat? In the blink of an eye, the words of the old Taoist priest in Pankeng rang in his ears like spring thunder: "The hatred is caused by a woman, and only a woman can break the curse. This is called fighting poison with poison, and yang is born from the cathode." "You commit the crime of God, and you are haunted by an unknown curse, unless there is a woman who is willing to wash away your sins with her blood, and you are willing to wash away her anger with your blood. When your blood is connected, your hearts are connected, and your destiny can be blended. Change. But changing from good to bad is still a matter of thought.” It turned out that that woman was Xi Yan!How come I never thought of it.She blocked the knife for me, and I transfused blood for her. Our blood finally blended, and our hearts were connected. We exchanged our fates in the dark. Mistakes again and again, no, Xi Yan, let us start over and write history again... Jian was released on bail the next morning. Ms. Qin and I separately asked for help, and found a local well-known and wealthy businessman to provide insurance, and held a banquet in the hotel for the guests who were beaten, hoping that he would show respect and not sue Jian further. But Jian still has to be fired-"Night Angel" cannot hire a murderer as a supervisor. Xiyan disappeared that night, she put on bright makeup and said she was going to give A Jian a farewell. Before leaving, she smiled and said that if A Jian wanted her, she would go back to Beijing with him.When she said this, there was a kind of clear and resolute light on her face, a kind of coldness, as if she was on a date for a lifetime. Then I never saw her again. After a long time, when I think of Xi Yan, I always feel that she is not a real person, but just a story. Mysterious, sad, ups and downs, wherever she goes, there will be many dramatic plots.Both her life experience and herself are shrouded in a mournful veil, like a mystery that cannot be solved or forgotten. I have been trying to figure out what happened the night before Jian left Meizhou, but no one could tell me. A Jian left by himself, I asked him if he had seen Xi Yan, he refused to answer me directly, but said inexplicably: "I am not good enough for her." "I'm not good enough for her." This is what Qin Jin said when he left Meizhou, and now Ajian mentioned it again. I don't understand, no matter the person Xiyan fell in love with actively, or the person who loved her deeply, they all say that they are not worthy of her, so, who can be worthy of Xiyan's love? I can't imagine what kind of mood Xiyan will feel after getting that answer. A prostitute hates others to only see her as a prostitute, but what about the saint?When everyone insists on treating her like a saint, will she also become angry from embarrassment? I only know that Xiyan went to Pankeng again on the morning of the second day when the incident happened, and the old monk finally came back, and he told Xiyan: When Lin Dazhi died, the last words he said were——I’m sorry for my wife and daughter, I love them. I asked the old monk: "Is this true? Or did Qin Jin tell you to say that? Qin Jin told me that he had contacted you, did he ask you to tell Xi Yan like this?" The old monk said, "Well, what do you think?" "If Lin Dazhi has been thinking about his wife and daughter, why didn't he send a letter to his family, even if he said he was safe. Even if he died accidentally, since he had time to leave a message for you, he didn't leave a home for you address and phone number? Has he already found the eldest lady? He doesn’t remember his wife and daughter at all, those words were made up by Qin Jin to let you lie to Xiyan, right?” "What is right? What is wrong? What is true? What is not true?" The old monk bowed to me, "Sorrow arises from love, and fear arises from love. If you are away from the one you love, you will have neither worry nor fear. Donor, life is like floating clouds, don't be too stubborn." Although my eloquence is good, I am not good at talking about Zen, and my anger is extremely corrupt. I can only respond to all changes without change, and carry Zhuangzi with him: "Yes is also that, and that is also the same. That is also right and wrong, and this is also the same. Right and wrong. If there is one, is it true? If there is no other, is it true?" The old monk said it so bluntly that the old monk was dumbfounded before he let out a sigh of relief. When I returned to Baihua Building, I saw an eighteen or nineteen-year-old girl looking around. When she saw me, she rushed over and said, "Is this Miss Yun? A Miss Lin asked me to come here and ask me to serve you." I was overjoyed, grabbed the little girl's hand and asked, "Did she say anything else? When did she find you?" The little girl was startled, and took a few steps back before she dared to answer me: "She paid me half a year's wages in advance, and asked me to cook soup for you every day, that's all, nothing else." The thread is broken again.No one else can ask. Xiyan just disappeared without a sound, without leaving a word. When autumn came, I moved into the private house that Xiyan rented for me.