Chapter 13 how much hate

"Your mother and I have decided to divorce." I didn't expect my father to welcome me home with these words. I looked at him, as if I didn't know him, tears were streaming down my face, but I didn't say a word. Shen Cao held my hand tightly, but didn't say a word. My mother has been looking for tea and water since I entered the door, and said some welcome words to Shen Cao with an almost exaggerated enthusiasm, but once the greetings were over, she immediately avoided it under the pretext of having a meal, so that it was convenient for my father to have a showdown with me.

So, Dad said the cruel word like this: divorce. I really didn't expect that before I announced to them that I broke up with Zijun and chose Shen Cao as my boyfriend, I would hear them announce their divorce to me first. My father and I actually moved on at the same time. Ever since I received the phone call from my mother telling me that He Chenglong had reappeared, it's not that I haven't thought about the possible consequences, but I always thought that my parents, who had gone through so much wind and rain, would not give up lightly.Through thick and thin, in the same boat, in the same bed, and together gave birth to their daughter, me.I always feel that this kind of relationship should be the most stable interpersonal relationship in the world, and the most able to stand the test of the world.

However, they ended up separating. Grandma tried her best, and I wrote such a long letter, but they still had to separate. Now that there is today, why bother? Thirty years have passed, and I have endured it for thirty years, why can't I endure it for a few more decades, so that my life will be safe and prosperous? I looked at my father, is this called late festival failure? "How can you be sorry for your mother?" I trembled my lips and tried hard for a long time, but I could only say this old-fashioned sentence.Perhaps, children all over the world will only have this line of dialogue when faced with such news.

"Be fair to me, please?" Dad said, "Jinhe, you are already an adult and will soon have your own family. You should already understand what love is. The person I love the most in my life is He Chenglong, We have been abandoned for so many years, now that we are old, can't we live the life we ​​want for a few days?" "But is this fair to my mother?" I sued angrily, "You did not create these thirty years alone, time is fair to everyone, and my mother has devoted her youthful years to this family and to you." The most precious 30 years in your life, you just broke up these 30 years and wiped them out?"

"But your mother has already agreed." Dad put on a serious face. "Jinhe, I don't need to ask for your permission at all. Telling you about this is just a notification, not a discussion. We have already decided." Mom agrees?I was even more stunned.It's only been a few months, why has everything changed?Mom has become so face-to-face with reality, and Dad has become so ruthless.What is going on in all this?He said that the person he really loves is He Chenglong, but if a love is at the cost of hurting his family, then is this love worthy of blessing? "Mom! Mom!" I screamed, shaking my hands, like a lost little girl, seeking my mother's help.

My heart is reminding myself to be strong and calm. The person who needs help most now is my mother.But I couldn't control myself, my body was shaking violently. Shen Cao helped me up: "A Jin, let's go for a walk." "No, I'm looking for my mother. Where's my mother? Where's my mother?" I cried, feeling extremely wronged, and couldn't believe what I saw and heard.This is not my home, not my father, I brought Shen Cao back to meet his parents with joy, not to hear them announce the breakdown of the family to me. "Ajin, you'd better go out for a walk." Mom came in, still holding a spatula in her hand and wearing an apron around her waist. She was still the loving mother who had worked hard in the kitchen for thirty years. Say, "You go out for a walk, and the meal should be ready. You haven't eaten since you came back, are you hungry?"

Mom, poor mom, when the family you have maintained for thirty years is on the verge of breaking up, does your daughter still care about a meal?Perhaps, she had been hiding outside the door just now and heard all our conversations.When she heard her father say that the woman he loves the most is He Chenglong, mom, how heartbroken should she be? However, in the mother's heart, the first thing is whether the daughter is hungry, whether it is cold or not, and eating is more important than divorce. I held my mother's hand: "Mom, Dad said you agreed, how is this possible." "I did agree." Mom smiled, but tears flickered in her eyes, "Ah Jin, I've been married to the Gu family for decades, and I'm already tired. My body and my soul are already tired. What should I do now?" I don’t even want to, I just want to spend the rest of my life quietly, and I don’t want to fight for anything.”

soul.It was the first time I heard my mother, a quiet woman, speak of the soul.She said her soul was weary.What kind of despair and helplessness is that? But what about dad?Where did his soul go?When he is driven to abandon his family and daughter for his body and desire, will his soul feel safe? "Dad, would you be happy?" I asked him, "If you knew that when you laughed, your mother was crying, and the wife you once loved and always loved you was crying, would you be happy?" Dad broke down.The tough decision just now was just a disguise, right?Is he convincing me or convincing himself?

"But no matter what you choose, someone will always be injured and someone will suffer. He Chenglong has been in pain for thirty years..." "So now you want my mother to take over the baton of pain, thirty years after the pain?" My tone became more and more sarcastic. In front of my mother's tears, I couldn't calm down, and I also forgot my dignity and sense of proportion, "Dad, you really Fairness, how great you are, let two women fall in love with you, share the beauty for you, oh no, share the pain equally." "Presumptuous!" My father was furious, caught off guard, he raised his hand and slapped me violently.

I was stunned.Mom screamed and rushed over, crying bitterly.Zi Junhu stood in front of me, looking at his father hostilely, and clenched his fists instinctively.And the father was also stunned. We confronted each other for a long time. Mom cried and I didn't.I looked at my father and nodded heavily: "Okay! Very good! This is the price of love, isn't it? Because you love He Chenglong, you can make your mother sad and your daughter ashamed. If I don't bless you, you will Will use force. Ever since I was a child, you have never hit me. Today is the first time. It is only natural for a father to hit his daughter. But don’t you feel ashamed when a father hits his daughter for a foreign woman? If you think it is for Defending your so-called love is beautiful and great, so go celebrate! Take your woman and open champagne with the tears of your wife and daughter! If you don’t even have fatherhood, you still don’t What love are you talking about?!"

"Ah Jin, stop talking." Mom cried, "Stop talking, you can go back to Shanghai after dinner. Your father and I have already made a decision, and we have to go through the formalities in a few days. Don't worry about it anymore." "Okay, I'll go, I'll go now!" I looked at my father with hatred, "Since I can't stop it, I won't bless you either. If you leave your mother, please forgive me and never recognize you as a father again!" I didn't eat the family dinner that my mother made with tears in my eyes. If I eat such a meal, I will definitely get stomach problems. Cao Shen and I rushed back to Shanghai before the moon rose. Shen Cao bought some fast food on the way, and accompanied me back to my residence: "I wanted to treat you to a good meal, but I guess you won't be able to eat it anyway. But, at least, let's eat a few bites casually, because you won't be able to fill your stomach if you are sad. " I nodded, picked up a hamburger, and couldn't taste it. Shen Cao persuaded: "Let them make their own decisions about the previous generation. Children should not interfere too much with their parents' grievances." "But that's not an ordinary grievance, it's a divorce." I was a little impatient, "Didn't you hear? My father said he fell in love with another woman, how can I ignore it?" "Why can't you ignore it?" Shen Cao disagreed, "I don't understand why you object to your father being with He Chenglong? Even a father has no responsibility to be responsible for you for the rest of his life. He also has the right to choose his own love and life. You have no reason to ask him to love only your family for the rest of his life." I look at him.At this moment, more than any other moment, I clearly realized that he is actually a foreigner. It is true that he has black hair and yellow skin, and he speaks standard Mandarin, but he is still a foreigner, not only in terms of nationality, but also in consciousness. . Maybe it's not his fault, or it's not wrong, but helplessly, I can't agree with him, I'm a Chinese daughter, my mother's daughter, I can't calmly look at my mother's tears and say that father has the right to pursue his own love. I lowered my face and said with disgust: "You go back first. I want to stay by myself for a while." Shen Cao also became unhappy: "Jinhe, be sensible, don't affect our relationship because of your parents." "But their blood is flowing in my body, which cannot be changed. You will never understand this kind of blood relationship!" "Of course I don't understand! I'm an outcast!" Shen Cao became angry, "You don't have to remind me of this. I'm an orphan who is unwanted and humane. I don't have biological parents. I don't understand blood relationship. You don't have to mock me !" My heart sank.It's over, and I touched his most untouchable hidden pain again, which aroused his inexplicable self-esteem and inferiority complex. But at a time like this, I am already scarred, can I still have the strength to help him lick his wounds? Shen Cao, Shen Cao, I know that I love him, and I know that he loves me sincerely, but why, we always have to sprinkle salt on the wound instead of being in love with each other when the other party needs comfort the most? I said annoyedly, "Let's not quarrel, shall we? Let me be alone for a while, shall we?" "Sorry, I disturbed you." Shen Cao stood up and left, not forgetting to close the door gently. He is a gentleman.A foreign gentleman born as an orphan.Our backgrounds and educations are vastly different.Although we can achieve an astonishing agreement in the field of art and spiritual communication, once we get back to the little things in life and the troubles in the world, we become completely two kinds of people. Now I understand why I have been wandering between him and Zijun for a long time, one of them is the sky and the other is the earth, and I, I am between the sky and the earth, I am a greedy little woman.Zijun called the day before yesterday and said that he had arrived at Gang Rinpoche and was about to cross the holy mountain. He also said that he would call me when he got down from the holy mountain, but he still hasn't contacted me yet.Has he crossed the holy mountain? In the past ten years, he has been used to hanging out with my family, and he has already come and gone freely as a son-in-law.He must have felt the pain and shock of my broken family.At this time, I want to discuss with him about my parents.Even if you can't help, at least you can comfort each other. But why, even he has no news? Anyway, I couldn't sleep, so I dug out "Long Live My Wife" and watched it three times a night, and the sky slowly dawned. With the windows open, the nostalgic breath pours in endlessly with the cool night breeze, and gradually fills the room. It is a smell between sweet-scented osmanthus and saponins. This was the first film written by Zhang Ailing, and the response was quite large at the time.The wife in the film is quick-witted and lively, hard-working and willing to bear hardships. She not only has the unique tolerance of Chinese working women, but also the unique shrewdness of Shanghai women. Things that could be done, but she chose to leave him in the end. I feel sad, my mother has also devoted her whole life to my father, and now she has finally decided to separate from him.Why? Since you have decided to leave a person, why insist on doing one last thing for him.Is it because of not loving or too loving? It has been said that there are no stories in the world, and all legends are just repetitions with slight changes. My mother repeated the wife written by Eileen Chang.Who am I repeating? When it was almost dawn, I finally fell asleep. In the dimness, I saw myself turned into a little girl of eight or nine years old, curled up, holding her shoulders with both hands, and crying because she was worried about losing her complete family. I also know that I am dreaming, and I feel sad, alas, I can't stop being sad even in the dream. The door opened, and a little girl of similar age came in and took my hand: "Brilliant box, brocade box." The girl called me as if it was a very familiar little friend. "Gu Jinhe, why are you crying?" "My parents are going to divorce, and my father will leave me." "Oh, that's nothing." The girl was only eight or nine years old, but her expression was much more mature, "My parents are also divorced. My mother left me." "That's even more unfortunate," I said sympathetically. "Then what do you do?" "I decided to run away from home and join my aunt." The dream came to an abrupt end here.I woke up with a start and my hands and feet were cold.Needless to say, the girl in the dream was of course Eileen Chang, but she was not the real Eileen Chang.No matter what age Eileen Chang is, it is impossible to talk to me like that. But with her identity and experience, she was clearly little Zhang Ying. I realized a little in my heart that this was not just a dream, but a hint.There is a certain will to remind me through Zhang Ailing's identity, if I continue to use the time god to find Zhang Ailing's life experience again and again, then my own life trajectory will definitely be affected, just like the moon affects the tide, and some unpredictable things will happen overlap. Before I knew it, I was retracing Eileen Chang's path. Grandma's death, He Chenglong's reappearance, father's request for divorce... What does all this have to do with the master of time? On the night I met Shen Cao, I dreamed that Eileen Chang told me that those who violated the laws of heaven would be punished by heaven.Perhaps, then it was a warning.And I didn't listen to the advice, and traveled through time again and again, trying to change history, but I didn't expect that no matter how difficult it is to change what has happened, my own life has been completely disrupted. Great changes have taken place. Could it be that all these joys and sorrows are all because I acted against the sky and disturbed others? After waking up, I went straight to the travel agency that Zijun worked for.It was a cloudy day, and a piece of lead was heavy. I know that the travel agency is in contact with the Xi'an self-driving car company that Zijun signed up for, and they will definitely know where Zijun is now. However, the result shocked me inexplicably: "Sorry, we lost contact with them." "Lost contact? What does that mean?" "Since yesterday, the communication signal between the group members and the headquarters has suddenly been interrupted. According to the report analysis of the Meteorological Bureau, an avalanche occurred on the Shenshan Mountain last night. At present, the Xi'an headquarters is trying to contact the Alpine Lifesaving Organization..." I suddenly heard a strange tinnitus, as if I was suffocating due to lack of oxygen—was this the danger that Zijun felt in the car after the avalanche? The manager of the travel agency came out. I met Zijun before when I attended the company celebration. Seeing me, he said with sympathy: "Miss Gu, don't worry, we have contact with Xi'an self-driving headquarters every day. They will notify us immediately if there is any news, and I will definitely call you as soon as possible.” I nodded, stood up like a clay puppet, and walked out walking dead, as if my mind and soul had been emptied. I don't know when it rained, but I couldn't care less and walked straight into the rain.Zijun, for many years, no matter how much we quarreled, I was always sure of you. Ever since you chased me from Suzhou to Shanghai, we have never been separated again. No matter how far you go, I know I know exactly where you are, and no matter how far I go, I also know that when I look back, you will still be standing there.But now, where are you now?Why all of a sudden, I'm not sure about you?Zijun Zijun, give me some enlightenment, give me a few words, tell me you are still safe, you are still healthy, tell me! "Miss Gu!" Someone came up from behind. I stopped numbly and turned around. It was the manager: "I almost forgot, Pei Zijun once said that if there is any accident, please let me give you this letter." "Accident?" I suddenly collapsed, "What accident? Zijun will not have an accident! Why did he say that? Why did he leave a letter for me?" "Miss Gu, don't worry, it's just in case. Mountaineering has a certain risk, so usually the group members will leave a letter to their relatives before departure, it's just a formality." "But, Zijun, he..." "He'll be fine." The manager worried, "Miss Gu, where are you going? I'll see you off." "No thanks." It rained hard and densely.I walked in the rain in a daze, aimlessly, and even forgot to open the letter, or rather, I didn't dare to open it. Zijun said that if he had any accidents, he would give this letter to me.In other words, in a sense, this letter is equivalent to a suicide note.Suicide note, why should I open Zijun's suicide note.He is obviously not dead, he will be fine!I'm going to wait for him to come back and open the letter with me when he comes back. At that time, I will laugh at his grammar, and maybe I can find a few typos to ridicule him. The sky cried endlessly, flowing with my tears, and before I knew it, I came to the Changde apartment again. It turns out that I have been walking for a long time, and I am very tired. Standing in Zhang Ailing's former residence, the holy place in my heart, and standing under the God of Time, I knelt down softly, folded my hands together involuntarily, as if worshiping a god, and prayed sadly: "Tell me, tell me what should I do? " Vaguely, I heard Zhang Ailing's voice: "Let's not meet again." I cried and said, "You asked me not to use the God of Time to see you again, but I need your help, and you promised to sleep. Now, please sleep in my dream and tell me, what should I do?" What to do? What to do?" Zhang Ailing stared at me in the dark, with compassion, and sighed softly: "Half a century ago, you advised me not to see Hu Lancheng, and I didn't listen to you, which caused the fault of my life; today, I also ask you one thing, I hope You can promise me." "What's up?" "Destroy time God." "What?" I was stunned, I couldn't believe my ears, I couldn't be sure of my understanding, the god of ruining time? "The God who destroys time." Eileen Chang said affirmatively: "Everything in the world has an original law of development, which is called Tao. It's like the sun, moon and stars have their own orbits, and rivers and mountains have their own ups and downs. However, The God of Time advocates that man will conquer the sky, reverse the order at will, and fight against yin and yang, which changes the order of the universe. As long as the God of Time exists for one day, everything will not be controlled by God's will and will not follow its way. Accidents will happen one after another, whether it is man's will, God's will, It can neither be predicted nor prevented. The joys and sorrows that are happening to your family are just a sign, this is because the attempt of the God of Time is still in its infancy, and using it is only a small and willful game. But , The idea of ​​changing history has already arisen in your hearts, and the idea will cause disasters. If you let it continue, there will be even greater disasters waiting for you later. " All of a sudden, the sentence in the book appeared vividly in my mind, like a river rolling by, torrenting endlessly: "Who knows, maybe because of trying to fulfill her, a big city collapsed. Thousands of people died, thousands of people died. Tens of thousands of people are suffering, followed by earth-shattering major reforms... the legendary people who overwhelm the country and the city are probably like this." , was once regarded by me as the most beautiful and exquisite dream of mandarin ducks and butterflies, but at this moment I suddenly realized that it was not just a love between a man and a woman, not just a teasing romance, but an understatement and a sweet smile. The most dire doomsday prophecy ever. It is obviously the happiest and most glorious autumn in life, but Zhang Ailing made a clear prediction for the future of Shanghai in her famous work, revealing the secrets.Therefore, she failed to end her life in Shanghai, which she loved so much, but went to a foreign land alone and lived a lonely life. What madmen read in China's 5,000-year history is only the word "cannibalism", but what I understand from Eileen Chang's novels is "destruction".Destroy the god of time, stop acting against the sky, should I listen to her? Her will turned into thousands of voices singing in my head: "Destroy the God of Time, Destroy the God of Time, Destroy the God of Time!" Echoing this voice, there are lines of words like incantations: "Thousands of people died, thousands of people suffered, followed by earth-shattering reforms..." I covered my ears and cried out in pain...