Chapter 12 lost mind

The alarm clock didn't go off, but I woke up automatically at six o'clock in the morning.Instinctively jumped up, but immediately remembered that he had resigned and no longer needed to catch the bus and clock in on time. As a cow who is used to working from nine to five, what can she do when she is not at work? I stay in bed and don't want to get up, what do I do when I get up?Copying a painting of Zhang Daqian's Ladies?Frame the old paintings you found?Or give the house a good clean and then be self-sufficient for breakfast?Or go to the hair salon for a new hairstyle like those wives who don't need to go to work?How free and comfortable!But why am I so unhappy?

At this time, I really blame myself for my autistic personality. I have been in Shanghai for so long, and I don’t even have a Taobao partner.It's all because of being too picky. Or you can choose a time when the flowers are blooming to marry Zijun, and then the days will be sunny for a few days and rainy for a few days, and you will live like this for a lifetime. As long as there is spring every year, getting married is not so difficult. Zijun’s trip this time is different from the usual ones. He usually travels with a group, and the route he takes is fixed. When he goes to Wuyi Mountain to see three and a half big red robes, he always has to go to Huanglong again when he goes to Jiuzhaigou. , You don’t need to ask me to figure out which day he should appear in which place.But this time it was not possible. Although there was a timetable, many unexpected things happened almost every day during the journey, such as the car broke down, a team member had altitude sickness, and even conflicts with the locals.So I want him to call back every day to report his safety, and I seem to have gone through the Silk Road with his motorcade, touched the ancient Loulan country, and arrived at Gang Rinpoche... Zijun said, tomorrow will be them This is the most critical day when the feat of climbing the holy mountain is put into practice.

When I was climbing Mount Kinabalu with him in meditation, the phone rang and I almost cheered, whoever he was, as long as someone spoke. No wonder so many people open their ears every day and look for another pair of ears to exchange news or gossip. Most of them are idlers like me. It was Shen Cao who called, and he said, "I've already arranged it." "What?" I didn't take it for a while. He said: "Don't you want to see Zhang Ailing in 1947? I have already adjusted it. When will you come over?" "right away." I jumped out of bed and washed up quickly, my heart was pounding, I was double excited and apprehensive—I wanted to see Shen Cao and was afraid of seeing Shen Cao, both wanted to see Zhang Ailing and was afraid of seeing Zhang Ailing.

What should I say when I see Shen Cao?Do you want to ask him about DAISY?As for the whereabouts of my love, can I ask him for an answer? What should I say when I see Zhang Ailing?Discuss the choice of love with her frankly, tell her that I am actually from Shanghai in the 21st century, and meeting her is like sleepwalking? When Shen Cao saw me, he immediately apologized: "I lost my temper with you yesterday, it was my fault." Instead, I was ashamed: "I can't blame you, I'm in a bad mood." Shen Cao sighed: "Maybe this is called respecting each other like a guest?" He took my hand, pulled me to him, and stared at me, "Jinhe, you are alienated from me. Since your grandmother passed away, your heart has been far away I."

my heart?Do I know where my heart is leaning? Shen Cao said: "With me, you are no longer happy. Apart from not being able to let go of your boyfriend, there is also a reason for worrying about me?" I raised my head, Shen Cao, oh Shen Cao, he can always say what I most want to say for me like this.In front of him, I am like transparent, no matter how entangled my mind is, I can be brushed away with a wave of his hand.But Zijun told me that he had known me for ten years, but he still didn't understand what I was thinking. "I met DAISY yesterday..." I finally said, "I saw Zijun off, and I met DAISY at the restaurant, she said she was your partner."

"It's also an old lover," Shen Cao confessed, "but we have already broken up. We met in Europe not long ago and worked together again. Then she came back to China to cooperate with me to shoot a series of films, but it was just work and nothing else was involved. Jinhe, I prefer The thing I don't like is explaining history to other people, but you are different, if you doubt me, it will be painful for both of us. So just ask, whatever you want to know, I will tell you. As long as you believe, I will Everything said is true." "Then, I don't need to ask anything." I said softly, and my heart suddenly became relaxed.Shen Cao, oh Shen Cao, he can send me to heaven with one sentence, or send me to hell with one sentence.

Such passionate feelings terrified me too.From childhood to adulthood, although I am sensitive, I am not an impulsive girl. I am stubborn, but calm, passionate, but introverted, low-key in dealing with things, and think twice before acting.But during this period of time, my emotions have been ups and downs. Sometimes I resigned, sometimes wept bitterly, sometimes I wanted to dedicate myself to Zijun on a whim, and sometimes I was elated at Shen Cao.Is it all because of Shen Cao, or because of the God of Time? Once, my life was so simple and forbearing, just like the little white-collar workers who work from 9 to 5 in every office building, relying on others and muddling along.The only difference is that he dreams a lot, and he likes to meditate when he has a little free time, but he never dares to hope to put his ideals into reality.

However, that day, he walked into my office, talked to me about the God of Time, and promised me that he would let me meet Eileen Chang. Since then, he has become my god, my belief, and my ideal. Zijun said that no one in this world loves me more than him.However, I understand that I will not love anyone more than Shen Cao. Playing flower guns with Shen Cao for too long, but as he said, both of us will suffer.At this moment, here, in the place where Zhang Ailing once lived, under the testimony of the God of Time, I clearly see my heart, I can no longer delay and escape, I would rather deceive myself than the sage in my heart.

I sincerely confessed to Shen Cao: "Shen Cao, even if I don't understand myself, you are so smart and understand, you must know myself better than me. You can even invent a miracle like the God of Time to challenge the history of the universe, so how can you I don’t understand my ordinary heart. I don’t need to ask you anything, because I believe in you. Similarly, you don’t need to ask me for the answer, because you will definitely predict it. It’s just that Zijun and I have been together for ten years, not overnight Separate. I'm afraid I'll be incomplete if I take him out of my life."

"Even if you are riddled with holes, I will carefully fill up all the wounds and make you more complete and beautiful again." He was rarely serious, holding me with one hand and the time switch with the other, and said solemnly: "I use time The Great God swears that in this life, I will treat you with sincerity. Nothing can distinguish the true heart more than time in the world. Brocade box, have some confidence in me, okay?" I looked at him in bewilderment, looking at the ideal incarnation in my mind, and my mood was so agitated that I couldn't control myself. Shen Cao was high-spirited and boldly promised: "Jinhe, you said that you and Pei Zijun have been dating for ten years, but I can confirm to you that even after another ten years, my feelings for you will still be the same as today. Do not believe it If so, would you like me to send you to take a look after sixty years?"

What is there to hesitate about?Even if we can't see the future, or even if the future doesn't turn out as we hoped, at least at this moment, he treats me sincerely, without any falsehood or hesitation.Therefore, he dared to judge our love with the god of time.Do I still have to doubt him and verify him? Love is not a matter of proofreading, you only start when you estimate the result is right, if you fly through time and see a bad ending, you should take precautions in time and stop before it happens.Such calculations are not love. I shook my head, and tears fell down with the shaking of my head. "Don't abuse the time god. Shen Cao, I believe in you." "Jinhe, are you still afraid?" He hugged me, "You are crying and trembling, are you worried that the future that the God of Time will let you see is different from what we imagined? You are afraid that you will see us separate and see me hurt you , leave you, or, sixty years later, I have been wiped out?" I covered his mouth with my hands, and wept in his arms like leaves falling in the wind: "Shen Cao, don't curse yourself, don't make fun of life and death." Don't make fun of life and death.The death of my grandmother made me understand that all the grievances and grievances in the world, nothing can be higher than life.I love Shen Cao, I confess to myself that the ten-year relationship with Zijun is not false, but even if we have been in love for ten years, there is no moment like this moment, which makes me clearly realize that I am in love, And the person I love is Shen Cao. If I had never met Shen Cao, maybe I would marry Zijun, and my married life would not be less in love than it is now.If I don't know Shen Cao. However, when I saw him for the first time, I blushed. Even when I was 16 or 17 years old, I never tried it when I was most eager for love.At that time, I laughed at myself for being a nympho, and I felt agitated for a long time because of this, and dreamed that he was courting me that night, and then he suddenly rang the doorbell and appeared, and the dialogue he said was exactly the same as what I heard in the dream... Is it fate? A person falls in love with another person, not without a sign.Man is the spirit of all things, how can he be unconscious when he meets the person he loves the most in his life. When Zhang Ailing first met Hu Lancheng, she was also shocked, right? Shen Cao and I clasped our hands and met our eyes. We were deeply immersed in this shock, and our minds were completely intoxicated. On this day, I did not go to see Zhang Ailing. Immersed in love, Shen Cao and I don't want anything to disturb our reunion, even if it is an old friend in the virtual world. But our life, unknowingly, repeats the story of Zhang Ailing and Hu Lancheng—the ukiyo-e book of the Japanese Utagawa family that was used by Shen Cao as a prop, and now Shen Cao and I are judging it. When enthusiastically commenting on the flying skirts of those singing and dancing prostitutes, who knows which sentence Zhang Ailing said to Hu Lancheng, and which painting Hu Lancheng pointed out to Zhang Ailing? The purple sand and white glazed tea cup on the tea table contains the jasmine scented slices that were once used as the title of the novel; the agarwood shavings smoldering in the incense burner, which is Zhang Ailing's first incense burner?When Hu and Zhang Chu fell in love, every day "the men gave up farming, and the women gave up weaving", they just couldn't finish talking about love, endless gratitude and joy.He confessed his experience to her, and she told him her grievances. He described her running away from home, and compared her to being Nezha: "Nezha is a little child, who caused great trouble by tossing rivers and seas. The father was afraid of being involved, so he wanted to punish him with the kindness of his life. Nezha got angry and returned the flesh to his mother and the bones to his father. Later, Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva used lotus leaves and lotus root to make his limbs. Zhang Ailing also has such a lotus body. .” What kind of acquaintance?What admiration?No wonder she said with emotion: "Because I understand, I am merciful." Some people are strong because of love, and some people are weak because of love.Eileen Chang, which one is it? It was already very late at night, but Shen Cao and I were still arm in arm, walking along the Bund for a long time, and we couldn’t finish talking, and felt that words were superfluous. We seemed to divide ourselves into two at the same time, one I am communicating with the other party in words, but the other self only looks at the other party's soul with the soul, but even if I divide myself into tens of thousands, the tens of thousands of me still only love one him. I said to Shen Cao: "Even if we are separated one day, I will still remember that today, at this moment, we once loved deeply." "But we will not be separated." Shen Cao assured me, "Although there are unpredictable things in the sky, but I have time, if I miss you at a certain intersection in my life, I will definitely return to you at any cost. At the same intersection, I will find you again. Even if I repeat my life thousands of times, I will never get tired until I walk with you completely until the end." No promise is more precious than this, and no one's promise can carry more weight than his.Because, he is God. A person who can even control time is no longer an ordinary person, he is a god! "But what do you like about me? I can't even feel my own advantages. I'm not particularly beautiful, nor particularly smart, nor even particularly gentle or lively. I really don't know what I can be attracted to by you." "That's it. You don't feel good about yourself at all. This is the most precious virtue of modesty among Chinese women." Shen Cao smiled, and then said emotionally, "There is a very special classical style on you, which is Words can't describe it. It's truly different, unique. How can I let it go?" But why am I still deeply worried when I am moved? "You don't have to be extreme, you are strong and easy to break. Shen Cao, sometimes, I feel that I love you to the point that I am afraid." I looked at the moonlight and swore, "Shen Cao, I don't have as much energy as you, I don't have as much energy as you. Strong self-confidence, I only dare to promise you this moment, this moment, I love you deeply, and I have no distracting thoughts in my heart!" A cloud swam over to cover the moonlight, but the bright light of the Pearl of the Orient still illuminated the night.Shanghai is a city that never sleeps. Since people can use lights to keep pace with the day, is it possible for the God of Time to compose history as he pleases? "Shen Cao, can you go back to Suzhou with me?" I said with determination, "I want to go home and visit my mother." "Okay, let's see if I can pass." Shen Cao smiled, and immediately understood my real intention, "It's a pity that it's not the crab eating season." At the same time, we remembered the conversation about crab eight pieces when we first met, and couldn't help smiling at each other. He said: "Tomorrow at nine o'clock in the morning, you come to the Changde apartment on time, and leave after seeing Zhang Ailing. I will buy the ticket and wait for you." A night without dreams.The next day I knocked on the door of Changde apartment on time. The door was pushed open. Although it was daytime, the light in the room was ridiculously dark.A woman in a cheongsam stood at the window with her back facing me, and the sunlight cast a faint halo around her through the window lattice.There was an indescribable sadness in the atmosphere. "Cao Shen?" I called, a little uneasy.Who is this woman?Why are you here?What about Shen Cao?He asked me to come, why is he not here?He said that he would wait for me to buy a good ticket, did he forget our Suzhou appointment? The woman heard the voice, turned around slowly, and looked at me: "Are you here?" I was stunned, it was Eileen Chang! In 1947, Shanghai, Changde Apartment.I actually just opened the door and walked into 1947.Obviously, Shen Cao has made some adjustments to the God of Time, avoiding the physical discomfort caused by time travel by using an immersive method in space. "Yes, it's me." I was a little at a loss.It's like this every time, the stronger the anticipation, the more unprepared the meeting will be. But Eileen Chang obviously knew why I came here, before I asked, she said calmly: "We are separated." We parted.Of course she was talking about Hu Lancheng, the breakup of a lover is the most painful thing in the world, but her tone seemed to say that it rained yesterday. "I don't know who you are, and how you came here again and again. However, I don't think we will meet again in the future." It was still the same room, and the same person, but the look on her face was gone. She stood in front of the window, with a desolate figure and a lonely face. "You don't want to see me again?" I asked embarrassingly, "I know that a person should not get too involved in another person's life, and that kind of communication will only separate friends. But I can't always let myself stand by, knowing that You have difficulties in front of you, but you don’t say a word to remind you.” "But in this unreasonable world, who knows what is the cause? What is the effect?" , Knowing your own destiny in advance is not a beneficial thing, everything that should happen will still happen. This is fate, God’s will, and doom. We have no way to act against the sky, but it’s better to be ignorant.” I asked her, "Do you regret it?" "Regret what happened?" she asked me back.Then ask yourself and answer: "I'm not that stupid." I was shocked, and there was a trace of horror for no reason. In her persistence, there is a kind of determination to go her own way, which means death, it is the persistence of an extremely lonely person who refuses to bow to reality, it is the sadness of fate, it is heroism, and it is also rebellion. Such a woman is destined to be a tragedy. For the doomed tragedy, the foresight is a double tragedy. So she said, "Let's not meet again." She turned me down.Little Ailing, who said to me trustingly "Sister, I adore you" when she was eight years old, has grown up. Today, she rejected me. She looks far beyond me into unseen time and space, and I have nothing to teach her except the Prophet. As she said: "In this unreasonable world, who knows what is the cause? What is the effect?" What is the cause?What is fruit? "If you could start over, would you rewrite your own history?" I asked unwillingly, like a primary school student with a lot of questions. "No." She said decisively, "the fact is the only truth, and the fact is what has happened. Even if it is wrong, not everyone will experience the same mistake. If you miss it, you will never be wrong again. Revise History is tantamount to re-facing your past mistakes, which is tantamount to repeating mistakes. If so, why not simply forget and choose to move forward?" Instead of starting over, start here.I am ashamed, this is the great wisdom and great insight to become a Buddha instantly. However, such wisdom and enlightenment cannot help her live a happy life ever since.I originally wanted to tell her the fate of the next few decades, and let her know the ups and downs she will experience, so that she can avoid it in advance.But these words need not be said now. Just because, I will know, because those have happened.And what happened is a fact and cannot be changed.This is fate, it is doom. "Don't come to see me again." She said again, "Don't hope to change history. Any practice that violates common sense and destroys the order of the universe is harmful and will be condemned by God." "God's punishment?" "Some of you will get hurt." Zhang Ailing is more like a prophet to me at this moment.There is no curiosity, no fear and luck, some are just calm, indifferent, and peaceful.She didn't even want to know who I was and how I came to meet her.She doesn't even care about what she will experience in the future.She just told me calmly: "Do your best and resign yourself to fate." Do your best and leave it to fate.I was deeply shocked. Is this a passive struggle or a positive commitment? There is great wisdom in her words, but it is not easy for me, who has more than fifty years of historical knowledge than her, to appreciate it easily. "But in the future, will we really never see each other again?" I lowered my head, deeply reluctant: "Or, you can enter my dream?" Saying it, I suddenly felt ridiculous.Zhang Ailing in front of me is a living person of the same age as me, but the tone of my speech clearly regards her as a soul. soul.For Zhang Ailing, the me at this moment is really a wandering soul, right? Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, where does the soul go? I returned to Shen Cao, depressed and unhappy.The same room, very similar furnishings, but the light is much brighter. I stood where Eileen Chang "just" stood, bearing the different halos given by the same sun, and meditating. "Have you seen her?" Shen Cao asked, "Could it be that she didn't see you?" I sigh, he is really smart, too smart, as for seeing through the secrets.The world calls such a person a genius, but there is another word called "heaven is jealous of many talents". So Zhang Ailing warned me that enough is enough. "I saw her, but she told me that the secret must not be leaked, and told me to stop looking for her." "She said that?" Shen Cao was stunned, "I remember you said that when you dreamed about her." "Yes." I hesitated, but still told the truth, "Shen Cao, the God of Time seems to be ominous." "what?" "There's something I haven't told you..." So I told him that I had gone to the Changde apartment to seek help from the God of Time, but I had met He Chenglong in my dream. Shen Cao's expression became more and more serious. He stood up, cut his hands behind his back, and began to grind along the square inch. "You have moved the God of Time, but you have arrived at the time you want to go in your dream, and what you dreamed is the truth of the matter. How is this possible? Could it be that the God of Time can function independently of the instrument and control your thoughts? Isn't that Too scary? Or maybe he can control your mind, stimulate your conscious potential, so that you can travel through time by yourself?" As expected of being the creator of the Great God of Time, he immediately thought of the key to the matter. After turning around thirty or fifty times, he suddenly stopped: "You have visited Zhang Ailing several times, have you ever told her about the God of Time?" "No." I replied, "In the past, I didn't know how to explain it, and I was afraid of frightening her. But today, she doesn't want to know at all. She has already guessed." "She guessed it, so she used you to warn me." He started pacing again, and said thoughtfully, "For the specific effect of an experiment, at least both parties involved in the experiment must come to a conclusion. Now her conclusion comes out." Well, what do you say?" "Those who act against the sky will encounter misfortune. Shen Cao, why don't we stop this research and give up the master of time." "You want me to terminate my research?" Shen Cao almost jumped up, "But you said yourself that the God of Time is one of the greatest inventions in the world." "I will say the same now. However, greatness does not mean safety. For you, for our future, Cao Shen..." "Don't persuade me!" Shen Cao seemed to turn into another person in an instant, and refused indifferently, "I never expect a peaceful and safe life. I would rather live vigorously, burning again and again, I would not choose peace When you grow old, there is no story in your life." I said: There are two kinds of people in this world, those who have stories and those who read them.And Shen Cao is the former.