Chapter 5 resentful woman

I don't know how long it took, but I slowly regained my senses, and I could vaguely hear someone singing: "Opening up the primordial world, who is the love seed? It's all just romantic love..." Could it be that I have already reached the sky of Lihen, beside the river of sorrow?Could it be that this place is too illusory? A ray of sunlight peeped out from between the clouds, illuminating the surrounding environment little by little.I saw myself lingering on a path in a deep courtyard shaded by flowers and trees, looking at the sun, it seemed to be noon, but the sun was very old, even the heavy petals of lilac flowers were old, looking in through the window of the house, the hall The blue chair cover is matched with the rose-red carpet, which is also slightly old, and at the end of the path, there are still familiar weeping sounds.

Even the crying sound has an old feeling. Xiaoying?I am glad that I am still in this garden, and I can see Xiaoying again.At this moment, it suddenly occurred to me that Xiaoying's name coincided with Shenying's waiter. I remember Eileen Chang said that there are three major regrets in life: the crabapple is not fragrant, the perch has thorns, and it is not finished. However, if a person can travel back in time, go where he wants to go, meet the person he wants to meet, and ask him what he wants to know, wouldn't he be able to get the truth of the second half? And if I went to the Qing Dynasty to find out the true dream of Red Mansions for Cao Xueqin, and then went to the Republic of China to tell Zhang Ailing the end, wouldn't it be the best gift for her?

Involuntarily, I walked along the path to the house where weeping forever, and I knew that the girl inside was Xiaoying.She is waiting for my help. However, when he stretched out his hand and pushed it, he found that the door was locked. The people in the room were startled and moaned weakly: "Who is it? Help me!" They actually locked Xiaoying in the house!This time I was furious, I unlocked the chain in twos and twos, pushed the door in, rushed to the bed, and asked: "Xiaoying, how are you?" The person on the bed was taken aback: "Who are you?" What was even more surprising was me—the girl on the bed had disheveled hair and a pale face, and I could vaguely see Xiaoying's lonely and cold shadow, but she was at least sixteen years old.

In a moment, I have passed through ten years! Xiaoying braced herself and raised her head, with a hint of joy in her eyes: "Sister, it's you." I was shocked: "You recognize me?" "I saw you when I was a child. You are my mother's friend, and you came to see me again." I felt bitterness suddenly, for me, it was just in a flash, but for her, ten years had passed in between, and she always remembered it.It's just that the warmth in her life is really very little, so that's why she still remembers it fresh, right? "Are you that sister?" She asked me weakly, "Last time you came to my house and said I wanted you to love me, and you said you wanted to talk to my dad, but you disappeared when you walked out the door. I told my dad You came, and he said I lied."

"You didn't lie, it's my sister who missed the appointment, and my sister is sorry for you." I said repeatedly, feeling terrified in my heart. Isn't it abrupt that I called myself "sister" to Zhang Ailing? However, I did know her for more than ten years.As I said, when I saw her for the first time, I was only ten years old, about the same age as Xiaoying moved to Shanghai, but at that time, I was far happier than Ai Ling. I said again: "Xiaoying, I'm sorry." "My name is not Xiaoying now, but Zhang Ailing." Ailing said weakly, "Sister, remember? You said that I let you love me. I will remember your words and ask my mother to change my name to Ailing. Because, I hope that more people will love me, and have more people love and pity me, just like you, sister. Sister, you are...my idol."

I couldn't hold back my tears, "Aileen, who locked you here? What can I do for you?" Ten years later, the question I asked her was still the same as it was a few minutes ago. But Ailing had already closed her eyes and refused to answer, two drops of clear tears slowly seeped from the corners of her eyes. I looked out of the window in bewilderment, speechless for a while, and suddenly felt that the scene was vaguely like that I had seen it before: there were wooden railings on the balcony, and white lines of planes passing by in the pale blue sky in autumn and winter outside the railings, and the gate tower opposite Antlers of gray stone, and two rows of small stone Buddhas underneath... This is not Tianjin in 1928, but Shanghai in 1938. It was during this year that Eileen Chang ran away from home and went to seek refuge with her aunt Zhang Maoyuan.

But at this moment, Aileen has not escaped the shadow of her old family, is still enduring bullying from her father and stepmother, and is sick.Her face was ashen, and even the strength to speak was weak: "Sister, if I die like this, you have to tell my mother that I really want to live with her. I have always, hoped that I have a home, stable, With love, home..." "You won't die, Aileen, I promise you, you won't die." I just felt like a knife was twisting in my heart, I stood up and said, "Don't worry, I'll talk to your father right away." After pushing the door open At the time, I couldn't help hesitating.Last time, I experienced the earth-shattering pain the moment I stepped out of the door, so far away, who knows where I will go and what will happen to me when I take this step?But Ailing is suffering behind her. She is seriously ill and is dying. If I don't save her, who else will?

That step was finally taken, without hesitation. God bless, there was no lightning and thunder, I quietly walked through the hanging flower door, and went straight to the main room of Zhang's house.It's only afternoon, but the atmosphere here is dusk. The dense opium fills the whole room, making everything misty. Mr. Zhang is the god who doesn't care about right and wrong the most - it's rare for gods to be confused. When he saw me, he bowed slightly, a little surprised, but he just didn't care - what else mattered to him except opium smoke? "A guest is coming, why is there no notification?" He coughed twice, put down his pipe, and smiled in a trance, showing the sadness of old age in his smile, even a little kind.Looking at my long skirt and narrow sleeves, he showed a surprised expression, "You are dressed like this, are you from her mother's side? Are you here to be a lobbyist for her mother?"

I was a little surprised, after all, they were father and daughter, no matter how much I hated them, there was still a blood connection. He and Ailing asked me exactly the same question when they first met me. "I'm here for Aileen, she's sick." "I know." He said numbly, pouring vape oil on the lamp, emitting a burnt aroma, "This daughter, this daughter, oh..." The long ending sound is a deliberate and orderly exclamation , It seems to be too much to say, but in fact, I didn't intend to finish it. I just felt that the atmosphere was extremely weird. Facing such a half-dead person, I couldn't help but feel that life is so long and innocent.

After standing in the room for a long time, I gradually saw clearly that this room, like Xiaoying's room, clearly marked the richness of material and the poverty of emotion: it was filled with various types of snuff from Baibaoge Pots, antique vases filled with feathers of various birds, scrolls and paintings randomly piled up, whether they are genuine or fake, they must have been carefully prepared when they were collected, but now they are not paying attention to dust... The person on the couch has already been dusted, no matter his age or his heart. I chanted softly: "Life is a gorgeous robe, covered with fleas."

He was taken aback and narrowed his eyes: "It's kind of interesting." I said again: "To become famous, you have to arrive early. If you come too late, you will not be so happy." He looked at me, not knowing why. I sighed: "Mr. Zhang, these sentences were all written by your daughter. She was trained in the court at a young age and has a very high literary talent. You gave her life and talent, so should you kill it with your own hands? " He was deeply moved, but also in a trance, looking at me dumbfounded.After a long time, she suddenly said: "She has liked to write articles since she was a child, and she has done a few ancient poems, which are very good. Many young masters who grew up in the Four Books are not as good as her. She also wants to do a continuation, called a 'Modern Dream of Red Mansions', huh, let Baoyu study abroad, let Master Jia release foreign officials, Jia Lian became the director of the Railway Bureau, Fangguan Ouguan joined the song and dance troupe, and Yuanchun even put on a new life fashion show... I gave the points I even drew up a recap of the previous chapter. I remember there was such a chapter called "Ping Geng Tian Ya loves to be married, Desolate Spring Road is destined to be a mandarin duck"... Looking at it now, this meaning is actually very unlucky... " His voice gradually lowered, and he would stop for a long time every time he said a word, he didn't look at me, he just smoked, took a puff of cigarettes and then said a sentence, as if he was talking to himself.When he said this, he seemed to be a loving father, but his kindness was only limited to memory.The well-behaved and obedient daughter in his memory seemed to be different from the imprisoned and sick daughter in the wing. And I was equally bewildered.Which minute of him is real, which minute is drama, where is his heart?Is there still popularity in that brocade-wrapped cavity?Or has his heart been replaced by stone?His heart has been burned away bit by bit by the opium lamp, turning into ashes, which will disperse when the wind blows.But Hui Diaozi was still dangling in the air, making him weakly continue this innocent life. However, for the sake of little Ailing, I still have to persuade such a heartbroken person: "This daughter of yours will be an important figure in the history of Chinese literature in the future. She will have at least seventy-five years to live. Unexplainably died today. You saved her, not only saved a daughter, but also saved more than a dozen excellent literary works, and saved countless readers who like to read her writing..." Halfway through the talk, I myself felt absurd, and the quarrel was like the iron mouth of a word tester at a street stall, talking nonsense about the past and the future. Hey, I went back to the past from the future, so I can predict everything; and Shen Cao said that the time switch can go forward as far as sixty years. All kinds of arrangements are the same in a certain foretelling fate, at that time, it will also be able to promulgate various wills of the God of Time to Shen Cao or Zijun?And if I foresee all kinds of unsatisfactory things in the future, can't I make plans in advance to eliminate disasters before they happen?Sure enough, there will be no more waves in life. Everything can be planned, developed, and completed according to ideals. Isn't life so perfect that there are no regrets? Thinking of Shen Cao, the dizziness and tinnitus just now suddenly came again.Once again, I was thrown on the turbulent waves, as if standing on the edge of a cliff, watching the time when the river flows by, "Zi Zai said on the river: the dead are like husbands", probably, this is the state of mind, right? Nearly 70 years have passed in a flash. I saw Xiaoying grow up rapidly. I saw her defect to her aunt Zhang Maoyuan. She walked into Changde’s apartment. The man stood downstairs in her house and rang the doorbell, with a coquettish back. That day was February 4, 1944... "February 4, 1944." I murmured, clutching the clothes on my chest suffocatingly. Although it was just a back view, it was enough to make me feel the danger and the indescribable murderous aura. Yes, that is Hu Lancheng. February 4, 1944.He met Zhang Ailing for the first time.I want to remember this time.I want to stop this marriage. The dizziness and anxiety tortured me until I almost lost consciousness again, but fortunately, all the discomforts disappeared in the blink of an eye, and I was standing in Shen Cao's studio again. Close her wings. "Welcome back to the 21st century." Shen Cao smiled and opened his arms to me. The world is so big, there is really no place that is more warm and comfortable than his embrace. "Can you try again, I want to see where you and I will be thirty years later." "You don't need to ask the master of time, I know that we will be together at that time." Shen Cao hugged me gently, and said with concern, "The master of time is still in the experiment, there are many places that are not perfect, repeated attempts will have negative effects , although I still don't know what it is, but you should try again in a few days." "No wonder I was so uncomfortable just now, is it the negative effect you said?" "Did you feel bad just now?" Shen Cao was very nervous, "tell me in detail, slowly, and let me make a clinical record." "Just now, I originally went to 1928, but suddenly, the world was shocked, and it was 1938. Although it was just a moment, it felt like hundreds of years had passed. Like..." Shen Cao nodded while listening, his face became more and more ugly, I couldn't bear it in my heart, and refused to say any more.Shen Cao sighed: "This is the first time God of Time has been put into use. After I sent you back to 1928, I calculated that the data was wrong, so I moved it for a few more minutes, but it was not accurate, and it still failed to reach what you wanted. The year and place I went to. It seems that I have to recalculate all the data and operation steps. Moreover, I did not expect that if a person is sent from ten years ago to ten years later in a moment, it will affect her Your physical condition has such a negative effect. Jinhe, how do you feel right now? Do you still feel dizzy?" In fact, I was still a little groggy, and my stomach was faintly nauseated, but seeing the concern and nervousness on Shen Cao's face, I could only hold back the feeling of dizziness that was stronger than that, and said with a smile: "I've been fine for a long time. Don't worry." Speaking of traveling through the time tunnel, even if you go abroad by plane, it will still take a while. I can't see that you usually show your teeth and claws, and when you encounter some trivial things, you are such a mother-in-law." But Shen Cao still couldn't let go, and said distressedly: "At first, I thought that it was not your body that traveled through time, but just a bundle of thoughts. So it shouldn't have any impact on the body. But now it seems that things have not. So easy..." "You mean, it's not me who went back to the twenties, but just a beam of electricity?" I couldn't understand again, "But I was clearly in the scene, walking down-to-earth in Zhang's garden, I used my hand to support Zhang Ailing and wiped her tears, can brain waves accomplish these actions?" Shen Cao explained: "It's like watching a martial arts movie. Every action looks real, but in fact it's not a real person fighting there, but just a projection of a set of images. Traveling through time is similar to this. The process is only completed in the mind. However, maybe it is like mental work and a kind of physical exertion at the same time. Even if the mind returns, your body will still be affected..." At this point, Shen Cao suddenly stopped and looked at He looked at me and said, "Jinhe, tonight, can you not leave..." "No." Before he finished speaking, I had flatly refused, "Shen Cao, I already have a boyfriend." "Zijun?" Shen Cao asked sensitively, "I heard you call that name just now." "Yes, his name is Pei Zijun." "I don't want to know this." He interrupted me roughly, "Your boyfriend's name should be Shen Cao!" "Cao Shen..." I lowered my head and stopped talking. He suddenly sighed, and said in a slow tone: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I'm just worried about your body and want to take care of you nearby. Don't worry, I won't bother you until your boyfriend comes back. Even if we If you want to start, I will wait until you make it clear to him, and I won't make it difficult for you." I looked at him, his eyes were so warm, like a cocoon, enveloped me. Reason is a moth about to fly, struggling in the cocoon of emotion, what about the heart?Is my heart the cocoon, or the moth? The tide of emotion came up, drowned me, hugged me, there was a kind of warm laziness, as if a voice said to me: Surrender, love him, this is your favorite way, the love you most desire. However, Zijun's name is an inscription, imprinted in my life.Ten years, how many decades are there in life, even if you don't like it, after all, the love is sincere, how can it be erased in a day?When Zijun left, he said that he would bring me an umbrella. In his simple mind, there were only umbrellas and bracelets, small gifts that have remained unchanged for ten years. He couldn’t think of a silver photo frame. Nye's "Japanese Bridge".But it is also his simplicity that makes me dare not imagine what will happen to him if I tell him that I have changed my heart in just a few days of separation. Thinking of the harm he might suffer, my heart aches for him first, how can I bear it? A rational moth flutters its crystal wings, whether it is struggling or weak, and finally breaks out of its cocoon——I avoided Shen Cao's gaze and said clearly, "I'm sorry, I have to go." We didn't separate just yet, Shen Cao accompanied me to Suzhou Creek. He said: "In many books, it is written that the house where Eileen Chang was born is Taixing Road, which is now No. 313 Maigen Road, which is actually wrong. The correct address should be No. 87 Kangding East Road. This is because the name of the road in modern Shanghai has repeatedly caused by the change." I wondered: "How do you know?" "I checked." He said flatly, "I asked the Civil Affairs Bureau for the information." How to check?Why check?He didn't say a word.And I was deeply shocked. In today's greedy day, when everything is done with purpose and results, there is someone who is willing to do all the homework for your words, but does not expect you to reciprocate at all, what kind of happiness is that? Shen Cao and I walked slowly side by side, the closer we got to the holy place in our hearts, the more calm we felt, as if facing delicious food, we would rather savor it carefully than swallow it in one gulp. He took my hand naturally.Palm to palm, is it a kind of heart-to-heart bond? The high-walled and deep courtyard of the Zhang Mansion back then has now become the school building of a medical technical secondary school.The garden and the wall have been dismantled long ago, and the row of small stone Buddhas that can be seen from Zhang Ailing’s imprisoned house has also been knocked out. But they all tell me: This is indeed the place where Eileen Chang was born. The carved railings of the building are dusty princesses. After a hundred years of vicissitudes, they still do not conceal their elegance, persistently showing its former glory.Traveling all over Shanghai, it is probably rare to see such an old and delicate staircase. The hall is very dark and gloomy, with an ambiguous atmosphere unique to old houses where the makeup has been left for a long time. At the end of the gloomy corridor, Zhang Ailing looked at me from a distance, as if leading the way.I can even see the embroidery on the satin of her soft-soled slippers. The whole building is like an enlarged old rouge box, gorgeous and sad, exuding a dark fragrance. The secret is locked in the window of time, and the spring is not allowed to leak out.The naughty boy kicked a football and broke a piece of glass, and the story flowed out of it— There are so many biographies about Zhang Ailing, but my favorite is "My Sister Zhang Ailing" by Mr. Zhang Zijing.After all, the brotherhood is deep, empathetic, bit by bit, and whispered, all are true and meticulous, far beyond the conjectures and fabrications of other posterity. In Mr. Zijing's recollection, he described the whole process of his sister Zhang Ailing being beaten up for contradicting her stepmother very clearly: "At this moment, everything became very clear. In the dark dining room with the shutters down, the meal had already On the table, there is a goldfish tank without goldfish, and orange-red algae are finely traced on the white porcelain tank. My father rushed downstairs with his slippers on..." Hearing the instigation of the stepmother, the father locked Aileen in the hut and was not allowed to go out, nor was he allowed to visit his biological mother for more than half a year.Aileen became ill from depression, got severe dysentery, and almost died.Later, for some reason, Zhang's father suddenly realized his conscience, and he personally brought an injection to the hut to give Aileen an injection, and finally saved her life... Women in the old days, even if they were noble and lofty like Zhang Ailing, were like floating weeds. Their lives were full of dangers and torments, and they were always facing the fear of being broken.Who knows what kind of encounters are waiting for you at the next intersection of life? In the winter of that year, Zhang Ailing ran away from home and went to her aunt and mother.Going from Suzhou Creek to Jing'an Temple is an escape; however, going from Jing'an Temple to Meili Garden is a dead end. Hu Lancheng, a prodigal son of love, a political broker, and a talented scholar, has good calligraphy, good painting, good poetry, eloquence, clear mind, and almost everything except character.The most rare thing is that he is considerate, especially Zhang Ailing's. His appreciation and explanation of Ailing's words are unique - such a man is the poison of such a woman, no matter how good his character is. How unbearable, she can't see it. It's not that he doesn't know that he has bad deeds, but women always think that bad men will change because of her.The more intelligent women are in other aspects, the more crazy they are. I remember seeing an essay written by Hu Shi. The opening sentence was: "Peach blossom is difficult to draw, because it needs to be painted quietly." Even with such deep prejudices, I can't help but admire him.Hu Mou is a person who knows how to paint, but he is not a person who cherishes flowers. Therefore, his peach blossoms in his life are difficult to describe and difficult to paint. Zhang Ailing, which peach blossom is Hu Lancheng? The janitor waited impatiently, waving a bunch of keys and urging: "Sir and miss, you have been in for a long time, are you looking for someone or something? All the students have left, I have to lock the door." I nodded, turned around in a daze, and saw Shen Cao silently accompanying me behind me, that clear look in his eyes made me suddenly want to cry bitterly. He is also so suave and suave, and the young talent is also so considerate and multi-talented - what a repeat of history! At this moment, I even hoped that he would not understand me like this, enter into my heart so deeply, and do everything and say every word like this to deeply move me. What would you do if there was someone who could always easily understand you and even know what to do for you better than yourself? Still holding hands, we walked downstairs slowly, walking on eggshells at every turn. Zhang Ailing's dead end is Hu Lancheng.And me?Who could have predicted that Shen Cao led me into it, but it was also a dead end?