Chapter 4 first incense

Taking the old elevator "empty" up one level, it seems to be approaching heaven step by step. Compared with Hartong Garden, which used to be a symbol of the old Shanghai Shiliyangchang, from the Sino-Soviet Friendship Building to Zhang Chunqiao’s secret meeting room, to an exhibition center and garden restaurant, and the Edinburgh apartment to Changde apartment, it is really nothing. Standing in front of the thick wooden door, Shen Cao took out the key and said, "This is it." In just one morning, he actually arranged everything, and even got the key to Zhang Ailing's former residence.Shen Cao Shen Cao, how can I not be moved?

The rusty-painted door creaked open, as if a gust of cold wind was blowing towards you, and you were suddenly lost.Many well-known sentences flooded up like a tide, as if the past was awakened, and the tide never stopped.As the footsteps wandered in the room, Shensi also wandered among the words, unable to distinguish which ones were real feelings and which ones were memories of old people. The floor-to-ceiling copper door, the exquisite latch and handle on the copper door, the tall mirror, the rust and printing on the mirror, the carved bed, do you still remember the old man's dream, the bleak fireplace, once baked Whose heart is it, is the whispering whisper from the wall or the echo of history?

"My aunt's home has always been a delicate and complete system for me, and I can't let it be damaged at all. The day before yesterday I broke a piece of glass on the table, and I still had to pay 600 yuan for one piece. I happened to go bankrupt these two days, but I still I hurriedly found the carpenter." "The half-length green bamboo curtain stretched out on the balcony has turned as yellow as autumn grass after being exposed to the sun all summer... When I grate my hair on the balcony, it also loses my hair like fallen leaves." "Last time I was in a hurry to collect clothes on the balcony. I pushed the glass door and couldn't open it. I pushed my knee against the door. There was a loud sound, a piece of glass shattered, and only a little skin was scratched on the knee, but the blood flowed out and splashed all over the place. On the feet, the red medicine was applied, and the red medicine flowed down along the bloodstains..."

The red potion mixed with blood, flowed down all the way, over the balcony, over the corridor, over the living room, and all the way to the outside of the house, reflecting the sunset in the sky like blood.From a distance, it seemed as if I could hear the bells of the tram and the melodious waltz music—is Hartung Garden holding a grand party again? Holding hands on the window lattice, looking out, you can no longer see rows of high-rise buildings, but you can see the Bund at a glance: a tricycle driver, a gentleman in a top hat and a lady in a tutu skirt are watching the lights, beggars are driving Lianhualuo chased after him, the gentleman impatiently knocked the stick in his hand on the pedal to urge him, and threw a few coins back, the children rushed up to fight for it, the red-nosed Ah San ran up to chase away while blowing the whistle, the flower girl trembled The voice called: "Magnolia, a bunch of fifty cents, fragrant magnolia flowers." In the distance is the golden Huangpu River, tumbling like a large pot of boiling chocolate juice, and the ships driving on it are sugar stirring the sugar juice. Great, after a loud noise, thick black smoke sprayed into the sky...

The faint fragrance from the partition wall is magnolia or gardenia? If a basket is hammered down from here, it will contain not only the warm supper, but also the old stars, right? I vaguely heard a gentle female voice say to me: "Aileen, your mother has written and said she wants your photo." I replied casually: "Just send the photo of my aunt's former son and me." "Which one are you talking about?" "Why doesn't my aunt remember? Here, it's the one I took on the balcony." I turned around with a smile, and suddenly I was taken aback, and the phantom in my ears disappeared.

Where is there any aunt? The person standing in the depths of the corridor looking at me from a distance is Shen Cao. "Did you also dream in broad daylight?" He walked over with a smile and asked understandingly, "Think of yourself as Zhang Ailing?" I was deeply shocked and couldn't help myself: "I heard my aunt's voice, she said that my mother had written." "Zhang Maoyuan?" Shen Cao pondered, "Zhang Ailing's mother, Huang Yifan, once studied abroad with her sister-in-law Zhang Maoyuan, and they had a good friendship. Later, she divorced her husband, but she has always maintained a good relationship with Zhang Maoyuan. For Zhang Ailing, to a large extent In fact, mother is aunt, and aunt is mother, and the two are inseparable. Eileen Chang ran away from home because of her stepmother's abuse, so she also ran to her aunt's house and lived with her mother and aunt. Those days were happy in Eileen Chang's writing, and Huang Yifan once again When she left the country, Eileen Chang lived with her aunt, and lived in rooms 51 and 65 of this Edinburgh apartment on and off for more than ten years until she left China in 52."

Painful emotions seized me, and I could barely breathe.Then, this is the place where Eileen Chang wrote such masterpieces, and it was also the place where she and Hu Lancheng met in secret, until they signed the new house of each other that said "the years are quiet and the world is stable".At that time, she and him sat on the brocade couch, looked at a Ukiyo-e painting by Utagawa Sadashi, or recited poems and gambled on tea, and laughed and commented on such things as "Zhuobi Yunhan, Zhaohui to heaven". Sentences, or cuddling with each other, quietly listening to a song.

During that time, her love and career reached their peak, with countless masterpieces, and she was full of joy. She only hoped that the moon would be full, the flowers would be bright, and her lover would be with her forever. However, no matter how much she hates politics and longs for peace, politics refuses to let her go, and the turbulent era refuses to calm down for her.Was it the times that separated her from him, or did she and him, from beginning to end, never deserve to be together? There is no stability in this world, and the years will never be quiet again. The flower of love between her and him has gone from blooming to withering. It took only three or two years. For him, it was just another spring of blooming, but for her, it burned out.So, she left a message to him: "If I have to leave you, I won't commit suicide, and I won't be able to love others anymore. I will just wither away."

The withered Zhang Ailing, like a falling flower, drifted with the tide, drifted overseas, experienced the wind and rain of the world, and the vicissitudes of overseas, until she died alone in a strange Los Angeles apartment... I turned around, and at some point tears were streaming down my face, "Shen Cao, please help me, I want to see Zhang Ailing." I want to see Eileen Chang, the Eileen Chang 60 years ago. At that time, she was in her twenties, in the prime of her life, intelligent, clear and bright, full of poetic spirit.I haven't met Hu Lancheng yet, and I don't know the pain of love, but I have deeply experienced the turmoil of the family and the bitterness of the floating world.With a keen eye to know the wind and dust, with a sensitive and susceptible heart, let the words be quiet in the troubled times, and write down the first incense burner, the second incense burner...

If it wasn't for Hu Lancheng, if it wasn't for the doomed love and injustice, she might have written more and longer, and would have continued with the third incense burner and the fourth incense burner, letting the cigarettes linger in this world, comforting her lonely and cold queen people. If it wasn't for Hu Lancheng, all of Zhang Ailing's tragedies would have been rewritten, and even the modern history of Chinese literature would have undergone unknown changes, and more great works like that would have been born. If it wasn't for Hu Lancheng... But Shen Cao said that he still needs to collect some more information and make preparations before he can take me for the first experiment.

He said hesitantly: "My research is still at the stage where theory has just been combined with practice. It is equivalent to a new calculation rule idea in the field of mathematics. The theory has been derived, but it has not been applied. Looking for Zhang Ailing is based on this rule." A question that seems relatively simple is tantamount to checking the calculation for the first time. However, whether the result of the checking calculation proves the correctness of the rules or absurdity is still unknown. Moreover, hypnosis is used, after all, there is still a certain degree of danger. Jinhe, we Should I wait a few more days and let me further improve the results of these experiments before trying again?" "But if you don't try, you will never be able to draw a final conclusion." I volunteered, "In short, you need to find a volunteer to test the drug, and I am willing to be the first person to eat crabs. At least, I have more advantages than others." The condition is my enthusiasm and confidence in you." Shen Cao was very shocked: "Jinhe, for you, I also want to complete the experiment as soon as possible." In the days that followed, life suddenly became different.I still work from nine to five, looking at Ah Chen's eyes and the boss's smiling face. Fortunately, the boss has more and more smiling faces, while Ah Chen's white eyes have already turned into blue eyes. Of course I understand that those pleasantries are not for me. Shen Cao sent a courier company to send me flowers every day, roses, daisies, carnations, big bouquets, ninety-nine flowers every time. At the beginning, the girls in the office made a fuss and asked who the gentleman who was so generous was, but gradually they stopped asking, and only cast jealous eyes. Sad or gratifying?The dignity of a woman often depends on the dignity of the man who appreciates her. But he doesn't make a phone call to me.Because he said that he would not look for me again until he was ready. But Zijun is just the opposite. Every night, a phone call comes in punctually, asking me if I have turned off the gas, and telling me to remember to eat breakfast and not to take diazepam all the time to help me sleep.The same words, repeated thousands of times, are still a kind of warmth.Although there is nothing new, the feeling that someone cares is different. In the past, when I received such a call, I always felt a little warm in my heart.However, now, there is more hesitation. When I saw Cao Shen, I would think of Zijun, but when I received a call from Zijun, I was at a loss, and I always felt that Cao Shen's smile floated in front of my eyes.This lingering feeling is not love, what is it?However, if I love Shen Cao, then what is it to Zijun?We have been in love for nearly ten years, is it all a misunderstanding? A heart is divided into two halves, and they are rubbed a thousand times, as if the balance is turbulent. The two ends are of the same weight, but one side is gravel and the other is gold. Watching TV at night, Leslie Cheung's retrospective exhibition. This film and song amphibious star in his prime, committed suicide by jumping off a building not long after he starred in the supernatural film "Alien Space", and at the end of the film, he was standing on the edge of a high-rise building.In the movie, he was finally held back by his lover and did not jump, but in real life, he jumped, so resolutely, from the fourteenth floor, like a desolate gesture in life. "Different Space" has since become an absolute hit, and in the film and television circles, I have never seen my brother's Ai Yan eyes again. However, the illusory images of TV can make the past happen again.Seeing you suddenly at midnight, I can't help feeling that life is like a dream. Tonight is "Evil and Poison", Lin Qingxia said to her imaginary lover: "I keep asking myself, is your favorite woman me?" If I asked Shen Cao the same question, how would he answer? I know that Shen Cao has had countless love affairs in his life, even if he answered me, I would not necessarily believe his answer.I told myself I must not ask him that. But Brigitte Lin refused to think so, she asked and answered self-deception: "If I can't help asking you one day, you must lie to me." All the women in "Evil and West Poison" are very strange: Maggie Cheung waited under the peach blossom tree, but refused to say what she was waiting for until she died. Yang Caini led a donkey, persistently looking for a knifeman to kill for her, and the price was a basket of eggs. Carina Lau stayed by the river to brush her horses endlessly. ——I thought with great interest, I don't know whether the group of suggestive images is the handwriting of director Wong Kar Wai or the will of photographer Du Kefeng. The woman strokes the horse, while the photographer strokes Carina Lau through the lens.Women's feet, women's legs, women's hands. Movies are also a kind of travel and reorganization of time and space, right? Looking at such a lens, you can fully experience what it means to be flesh and blood made of water.However, I can choose, I don't want to be a flowing river, but rather an unchanging shore by the water.If so, Shen Cao must be a flying sail, galloping on the water; and Zijun, a tree on the shore. All the coasts stay for sailing, hope, and stand for eternity. That is Kishi's mission and Fan's destiny. Even in the dream, there is no peace, the strange things are full of women and horses, the boundless desert, and the gurgling river.I always hear a knock on the door, which seems real and unreal. But I dare not open the door.I'm afraid I won't see him when I open the door.I was even more afraid to open the door and see him. Shen Cao, am I the woman you love the most? Finally on this day, Shen Cao informed me that I was ready. His BMW drove to the company building to pick me up, and everyone was in harmony. I lifted the corner of my long skirt and walked into the elevator, like Cinderella going to the prince's ball. The crystal slipper in the dream. All the lucky girls who are picked up by rich and powerful men are Cinderellas, who walk with envious or jealous eyeballs, and are always worried about falling. Convertible sports cars are still rare even in a metropolis like Shanghai.Shen Cao's driving skills are top-notch, the car shuttles freely in the middle of the street, even though it is rush hour, he refuses to slow down a little.The trees on both sides are flying backwards, and the wind has color because of its speed. It is a large area of ​​impressionist green, so green that people can't open their eyes.My long hair was raised in the green, draped over Shen Cao's face thoughtlessly, he wanted to laugh and drive, picked up my long hair and kissed deeply on his lips. I asked him, "Do you worry about the rain when you drive a convertible?" He asked back, "Will it be painful if you fall in love with you?" "Of course it will, it will, so for safety's sake, it's best to slow down and think twice." I smiled and pushed him away, tied up my hair with a silk scarf, and laughed in the wind, feeling happier than ever. Loving someone is such a joy.Although I can't love once, at least I can boldly make the mistake of speeding once. We came to Shen Cao's studio. It is not as chaotic as I imagined. Like ordinary artists, the portraits are piled up, and the photographs are piled up everywhere.Instead, all the materials are neatly arranged in the bookcase, the computer table is in good order, there is a milky white leather sofa along the wall, and there are a few old ornaments on the coffee table. The most striking thing is an old gramophone, singing An old song, "Waiting for You to Come Back" by Bai Guang: "I'm waiting for you to come back, I'm going to wait for you to come back..." On the wall is a huge photo of Monet's "Nihonbashi" authentic work, a thick piece of lotus lake, reflecting the green of the room, as if the wind has blown the green on the roadside here - water lilies are blooming gracefully on the lake , the dense trees are shaded and reflected in the water, while the crescent-shaped Japanese Bridge gently undulates on the Lianhua Lake, and also lies across the most striking position in the upper half of the painting, dyed green. When many people mention Monet, they will praise his "Water Lilies", but I have always had a special liking for "Nihonbashi". My heart felt a faint uneasiness in the tranquility, as if I had a premonition that good luck was coming, but I didn't know what it was, so I felt more eager, looking forward to an unexpected joy. Standing under the huge Lianhu Bridge, I feel that the green is so thick that I can't open my eyes, covering the sky and covering the sky. The breath of love enveloped me again. I met Shen Cao, fell in love with Shen Cao, and I was in love with each other in every detail. Xiangqi, these are all destiny, it is destiny! I can't escape, and I don't want to escape.Under the Japanese bridge, I was caught without a fight, willing to be a captive of love. Shen Cao pressed the switch, and the green Japanese bridge receded slowly, revealing a wall clock with extremely delicate carvings, and an unknown fragrance rose, and I suddenly felt sleepy.Bai Guang is still singing softly, looking forward silently: I am waiting for your return, I want to wait for your return... The singing brought my mind to a very distant place, and Shen Cao's voice sounded dimly in another world: "This is my latest research result, I named it 'Time God', it goes clockwise on the clock, Every minute represents a month, every 12 minutes is a year, every hour is five years, 12 hours, that is, the situation can be predicted up to sixty years later. Counterclockwise, each second represents a day, and every minute is two month, ten years per hour, and a maximum of 120 years of history can be traced back. The earlier past or longer future is waiting for the further improvement of the instrument. At present, this equipment has not been officially put into use, one is insufficient data, and the other is data It's not accurate enough, so when using it, I must supervise it personally to prevent accidents..." Then I couldn't hear his voice clearly anymore, instead, there were bursts of tiny weeping, sobbing, childish, as if there were endless grievances. I stood for a while, gradually distinguishing the scene around me. I was in a strange courtyard, empty and deserted. Although the flowers and trees were scattered and the lights shaded it, I could see an indescribable desolation.Where is this? There is a swing stand in the middle of the courtyard, and a bluestone chopping board is set up beside the patio. The edge is covered with thick moss, which is damp and dark green. It is a piece of paint peeled off from the painting "Nihon Bridge". It is mottled, like moths flying around. The powder on the wings of the chicken is not sticky if you like it.The sound of crying came intermittently from the wing room, and I couldn't help myself, walking over the wet and cold grass. The Hunan curtain was half rolled up, and under the dim light, a six or seven-year-old girl was sitting in the corner, huddled by the fireplace and crying, her wide lace sleeves were rolled down, revealing her lonely thin wrists, and she kept wiping her hands. tears.Around her, there were some dolls, gauze hats with streamers, and formations of tin puppet cavalry, all of which were rare and exquisite imported gadgets.But she was crying, mournfully, helplessly, and in a low voice, in such a hopeless posture, it was not like ordinary children crying wronged after being wronged, let alone acting coquettishly or begging for mercy, her low sobs were sobbing She clearly didn't expect anyone to cherish her and comfort her, she was already used to such unnoticed crying. Such a rich environment, such helpless children, material abundance and spiritual poverty are undeniably miserable. I can't see children suffering the most, so I pushed open the door and called her in a soft voice: "Hello, who bullied you?" She raised her head, her big teary eyes were full of vigilance, and there was a kind of childishness and loneliness that doubted everything - my heart couldn't help but ache again, such a small child, such a deep loneliness, I couldn't hide it - I try to be more friendly: "I'd love to help you...can I help?" "May I help you?" She suddenly said an English sentence, and smiled shyly, with a hint of joy in her shyness, "My mother taught me this English sentence, she said that foreigners often greet people like this, are you a foreigner? ?” Before I could answer, she said expectantly: "You are black-haired, not a foreigner. Then, are you from a foreign country? You are an international student, just like my mother? Are you my mother's friend? It is my mother." Let you come and see me?" I didn't know how to answer her series of questions, and couldn't bear to disappoint her, so I had to answer vaguely: "Oh yes. What's your name? Why are you crying?" "My name is Zhang Ying... Dad was fighting with my aunt and grandma, and my aunt and grandma threw something and broke Dad's head... I'm afraid, I miss my mother." She said with her head down, tears in her voice, but she stopped crying . I was taken aback, calculated secretly, and couldn't help crying.Shen Cao turned the wrong time switch. This is definitely not the 1940s, and this place is not Shanghai. Zhang's father is still married to his concubine, so this time should be around 1928. In that year, the Northward warlords burned the Tianwang Hall and the Daxiong Hall in Shaolin Temple, and the Bell and Drum Towers lost their sound overnight; that year, Lin Huiyin married Liang Sicheng, and had a feast for guests in Canada; A new chapter; that year, the Ministry of Justice of the Nationalist Government was reorganized into the Ministry of Justice and Administration, and the KMT and the Communist Party officially split; that year, Zhang Ailing was not called Zhang Ailing, but Zhang Ying; , crossed the dark green and blue Huangpu River, drifted from Tianjin to Shanghai, and began Aileen's lifelong drift... I picked up the little Zhang Ying, hugged him tightly, and suddenly felt infinite pity: "You are so lovable." "Love and pity?" She raised her head, her big eyes were full of deep thoughts that did not belong to her age, "No one has ever said this to me, no one has ever used this word to describe me." At a young age, I already know that I am sensitive to words.I am even more embarrassed.There was a thread-bound book at her feet. I took it and flipped through two pages. It was an old edition. On that page it was written: At that time, the earth fell to the southeast, and there was Gusu City in the southeast. First and second class rich and romantic place.There is Shili Street outside Changmen, and Renqing Lane inside the street... I couldn't help holding her hand: "Don't worry, your family is going to Shanghai. After going to Shanghai, mom and aunt will come back soon and reunite with you in Shanghai. Do you know? You have to live well , be strong and be happy, because in a few years, you will be one of the most famous writers in China, you will write works handed down from generation to generation, and you will have countless admirers." "How do you know?" Xiaoying blinked her eyes, and put her little hand into mine, with such an unreasonable trust, "What is worship?" "Of course I know, because..." I looked at her, wanting to tell her, because, you are my idol, and I am your reader, the so-called admiration, just like I do to you, chasing thousands of miles, yearning for ten years, Even travel through time to find you.There is so much to say, but I don't know where to start.Most embarrassingly, it never occurred to me to confide my heart to an eight-year-old girl.I have to start with the simplest: "Admiration means that one person admires another person, regards her as an idol, likes her, respects her, and can't help imitating her, wishing to be like her... " Before I could finish my explanation, Xiao Yingshi said in a shocking voice: "Sister, I understand. I admire you very much. When I grow up, I want to be like you." She adores me?I can't laugh or cry.So, I am her idol?I am Eileen Chang's idol, but she is my FANS?What kind of account is this? At this time, I suddenly realized another thing. Since I came here more than ten years earlier, it is too early to discuss love with 8-year-old Zhang Ailing, and telling her not to provoke Hu Lancheng when she is 23 years old is not only because of It doesn't help, and it may add to her curiosity of more than ten years in vain, which is not beautiful.But it was so easy to see her, did he just return in vain? I frowned again and again, and finally came up with a plan: "Xiaoying, take me to see your father, okay? I want to talk to him." "Okay, I'll ask He Gan to report." Xiaoying took my hand and went out bouncingly. After all, it was a child. No matter how deep the suffering was, he would forget it in a blink of an eye. He just opened the door excitedly and called out. Said: "Dad, Dad, Mom's friend came to see us!" But at this moment, Shen Cao suddenly whispered in his ear: "Hey, I was wrong!" There was a loud bang, as if the sky was falling apart, my ears were booming, and I was almost deaf, and there were even more stars popping up in front of my eyes, countless colors were pouring down, my chest was indescribably depressed, I opened my mouth, but also lost my voice.Limbs were completely paralyzed, I didn't know where I was, my whole body was torn into tens of thousands of pieces, it was more painful than a broken car, I wish I could die in this minute. I said in my heart: It's over, I can't go back again, Zijun will die in a hurry.