Chapter 9 Chapter 8 The Shock of Khajuraho

The Sinha brothers finally meet.This evening, we returned to the Kuti Temple where Daxin placed the order for the night.The brothers slept together and talked at night, and I could no longer be picky about the housing conditions, so I had to make it simple and slept on the common bunk in the guest room with two Korean tourists. A sleepless night.Thinking of being under the same roof with Da Xin, I don't know whether it is bitter or sweet.The moonlight shines in from between the two curtains, as if there is fragrance, spreading tenderness in the room like water.I believe for no reason that Da Xin is not asleep either. If I knock on his door, will he be willing to walk with me in the moonlight?

I tried my best to fight against the longing in my body, the more I fought, the more I understood, I love Da Xin, love him more than anything else in this world.Compared to my love for him, all the relationships I've had in the past were nothing - met someone, developed a crush, dated, ate, watched a movie, had some sweet talk, and then fell apart , disputes, cold wars, breakups... Naturally, there were expectations and tears, but now it seems like smoke and dust.Because I have never been so eager to dedicate to a person as I am now. As long as he is willing, I am willing to give my soul.

But he's leaving tomorrow, into a holy mountain I don't know, to worship a world I don't understand.Faith divides us into heaven and earth, farther than China and India.If I can keep him, what can I do? There was always a sad atmosphere lingering in the house.Some people have said that the more places like monasteries, the easier it is for ghosts to gather. For some reason, they missed the chance of reincarnation and lost in the wilderness of time. They can only live on the eaves of the Buddha, hoping to be transcended in the sound of wooden fish. . I felt that gloomy breath, and my heart was more sad than death.Tears flowed out, dripping down the corners of the eyes and onto the ears, as if the passage of time.I was wasting my last few hours with him.He is not far from me, and I can hear him as long as I call out, but I do nothing, just lie here and let time pass, which is the cruelest waste.

The next morning, just after dawn, I couldn't wait to wash up, and sat in the courtyard waiting for Brother Sinha to go out.The thin blue sky in the morning has a mysterious air, as if something important is about to happen.I wandered anxiously in the courtyard, between the incense burner and the Buddha statue, feeling both nervous and excited. However, I was only waiting for Xiao Xin. He told me that Da Xin had already gotten up and left before dawn. "Leaving?" My heart was full of disappointment, and I felt like I was sinking, "Your elder brother, did you say where you are going?"

"No, he just said that he wants to move forward, and stop when he wants to stop, and find a mountain to meditate in." Xiao Xin's emotions were not as agitated as I imagined, but a kind of relieved calm. I'm the one who's brooding.He didn't even say goodbye to me, and he didn't even say goodbye to me.I know we won't meet again, but don't even give me a chance to say goodbye, how can I bear it!When I said good night to each other before going back to the room last night, I didn't know that it was the last time I saw him. I thought I could see him again when I woke up, and then there would be a more solemn farewell.

If I had known that "good night" was the last word we said to each other, I would have looked at him more attentively and engraved his shadow into my heart, in my memory, and I will never forget it forever. "So, what else did he say?" I asked hopelessly, wondering if he would leave a word about me. However, Xiao Xin just said: "No, he just kept telling me to take good care of my mother. He still remembers my mother and my younger brother. He is not really heartless and carefree." Was he "not really heartless"?But how cruel he left me without saying goodbye!I also thought, when he left, could it be the moment when I tossed and turned, desperately suppressing the desire to knock on his door?If I followed my own will and got up and walked out of the guest room, would I have met him in time?I imagined Da Xin standing in the moonlight looking back at the Prime Minister, saying goodbye to me in silence.The sadness in my heart became stronger and stronger one after another.

Xiao Xin didn't notice my loss, and said in Xuxu: "For so many years, I always thought that I hated him very much, hated him for leaving me and my mother alone. But now I know that the death of my father has stimulated him too much. He’s grown up. He was only nine years old at the time, and he already had to take care of a family on his own. His burden was much greater than mine, so he had such a deep understanding of life and death and variables, so that he finally converted to Buddhism. No matter whether he can finally The cultivation has come to fruition, but I think this should be a good thing, not a bad thing. Now, it's time for me to provoke the whole family."

I can't understand it.The two brothers, one who believes in Shiva and the other who believes in Buddha, can reach a consensus in such a short period of time after such a deep grievance. This is really a strange thing.I don't know if this is because blood is thicker than water, or if it should be understood as the same origin of Buddhism and Hinduism. But after thinking about it again, I realized that Daxin has such a charm that he can make people around him feel peaceful.No matter how sad, desperate, angry, or impetuous this person is, he will use his own strength to calm him down and make him feel comfortable.If he can go home and meet his mother, I believe that Xin's mother will understand and accept her son's choice, just like Sakyamuni's aunt, wife and children once did.

However, Da Xin said: the time has not come.On the day when he thinks it through and gets rid of his confusion, he will naturally go home and tell his mother in person, right?In any case, I am deeply relieved that Xiao Xin can be so optimistic. I am worried that I don't know how to comfort him. "Thank you, Scarlet." Xiao Xin said sincerely, "You helped me fulfill my wish for many years. I don't know how to thank you. I can only continue to be a good tour guide and travel with you." In the afternoon, we departed from Varanasi to Kejuraho. When the plane took off and rose rapidly, I leaned my head back on the back of the seat, feeling that my body and soul were separated, half of it went up with the plane, and the other half was held back by gravity.For the first time, it felt like the body was flying higher than the soul.

It is a small plane, the whole journey takes 45 minutes, and the turbulence is very severe.The sky was blue and the light was good, but there was a lot of wind and clouds in the cabin.The pilot seems to be tired of repeating the boring short-distance flight, deliberately making tricks for fun, playing with flying skills over and over again on the way, sometimes rolling over, sometimes surfing, and the journey is full of dangers.My stomach ache has never stopped, and at this time it was churning even more, as if the weight was hanging precariously on the scale beam, and the left and right could not be balanced.

Xiao Xin asked again and again what I had talked with Da Xin in the past two days, and I told him lightly: "Da Xin recited a section of "Bhagavad Gita" for me, about doing things that are part of my duty, and not doing things that are not my part. internal affairs." Xiao Xin was immediately moved: "That's what my father taught us to read when we were very young. Perhaps, everything was arranged by God. The job of the eldest brother is to become a Buddhist monk, and my job is to take care of Mother." It turns out that this poem can also be interpreted in this way.I was a little stunned, and couldn't help thinking that, as far as I am concerned, there may be another translation: "Love someone you can love, even if the choice is second best; don't love someone you can't love, no matter how noble and rare he is. Live in love for each other, fearless in life and death; live in love that is not your own , life is better than death." Da Xin is right, any kind of truth has different interpretations, just like multivariate geometry problems, gods have their own interpretations, and Buddhas have their own interpretations, and I can only accept the kind of explanation that I can get. Go forward, forget him, this is my only choice. The plane suddenly made a parabolic taxi, and there was screaming in the cabin.The next seat was a young lady from Belgium, who was so frightened by the unreliable flight that she asked Xiao Xin about Air India's insurance claims, and asked if she could complain to the airline. Xiao Xin said helplessly: "As long as there is no flight accident, there is nothing to complain about, and the complaint will have no effect. The task of the pilot is to fly the plane from one place to another. As long as he completes the task, he is right." The passengers in the cabin vomited one after another, and vomiting is contagious. I couldn't bear it anymore, grabbed a vomiting bag and started vomiting profusely, as if all my strength, troubles, desires, and frustrations were drained away. Spit it out. Xiao Xin was a little at a loss, and kept muttering "I'm sorry", as if it was his fault for dangerous driving.I cleaned myself up, forced a smile and said, "This guy must have been a fighter jet." This joke is not funny, because Xiao Xin still has eyes full of pity, and said guiltily: "You have done so many things for me, but I can't help you seeing you suffer. I am really useless." "Who says you're useless? You can take out the pilot and beat him up after you get off the plane." Actually, I'm not the only one who said this. The driver beat him up! Everyone punched and kicked him, crushing him!" Having said that, of course no one will actually physically rough up the pilot after landing.But what I can't understand is that when we got off the gangway and walked around the nose of the aircraft, we saw the pilot give us a thumbs up proudly through the porthole. I don't know whether he is praising his flying skills or praising us. To be able to land alive under such flying conditions. This is simply the most illogical thing in the world. I just find it ridiculous and outrageous, and I can't help laughing out loud. Xiao Xin asked strangely: "Scarlet, is it so funny?" "What should I do? Faced with such embarrassment, if crying can't solve the problem, I have to laugh." I looked back at the passengers on the same plane—all of them were pale, their knees were trembling, and some were still wiping their hands. Khan - couldn't help laughing hysterically again. Finally came to the famous Kejulaho sex temples. In fact, it is inaccurate to call it a "sex temple" in general. It is a bit of a sensationalist solicitation. It can be regarded as an advertisement of Kejuraho-just look at the tourists who are crazy about the details of the sex sculpture. These sculptures are mainly concentrated in the West Temple Group.But not all the buildings in the West Temple Group are sex sculptures, let alone all the sculptures on the temple are related to sex.The temples in the West Temple Group are divided into two types: one is dedicated to the gods and people to worship, and the sculptures in it are related to life etiquette and stories of gods, which are relatively serious; There will be sexual content, but it is also divided into three layers. Sex is only on the bottom layer, the upper layer is the living conditions of nobles and literati, and the upper layer describes the legends about gods.This is because they believe that making love is the basic joy of life, and only on the basis of satisfying the sexual desire can they talk about superstructures such as politics, military affairs, and culture. But the few erotic sculptures are shocking enough.Not to mention the arduous and unimaginable sex positions, the bold and unrestrained ways of making love, with endless changes, just those few animal-related patterns are enough to make people blush. I remembered what Xiao Xin said, in the interpretation of the origin of Hinduism, the relationship between man and nature is believed to be a relationship of worship. People should worship animals, and they are equal, kind, and harmonious, like brothers and sisters, and love each other.And making love is obviously an acceptable legitimate "relationship". The loving men and women embrace each other naked, with their necks crossed and their bodies kneaded into various impossible curves, so calmly bathed between the sky and the earth, under the sun, as if today is the end of the world, this is the only time they have sex in this life , so I vowed to freeze this moment and be eternal with heaven and earth. In the light and the wind and the moon, those sex sculptures that exhausted the joy are actually shocking and weeping ghosts and gods.In particular, the hugging posture called "Grape Entwining" in the book was supposed to be soft and coquettish, but once it was carved out of hard stone, it showed a thrilling beauty of desire. There are unknown ancient trees in the open space of the grassland, and they bloom with luxuriant purple flowers. From a distance, there is a kind of hot vitality, which is also extremely flamboyant.Walking in the sculpture group of Kejuraho, the pornographic men and women a thousand years ago were all turned into stone, but they still vividly told the ancient legend about "love"; a thousand years later, I am like a walking dead, It has long been weathered by office life into a walking specimen of the times. I couldn't help sighing: "It's really a magical city, it's unbelievable that it was made by hand." "Here is a story." Xiao Xin said. I couldn't help laughing, how long has it been since I heard this sentence, it's so kind. There is a beautiful fairy tale here - about two thousand years ago, the moon god came to the earth one day, descended to earth in Khajuraho (Khajuraho, the original meaning is "the city of coconut trees"), and saw a peerless beauty Chandra Vati (meaning "woman of the moon") was immediately amazed by it, so she did what men and women in the world do and gave birth to a son named Chandra Vagman. The moon god promised Weimen: You are the son of man and god, you are born with extraordinary power, you can do many things that ordinary people can't reach, and you can also have a powerful country.But Weimen said, I don't need that much land or power, I just want to do one thing - use my life to build as many temples as possible, so that people in the world can be educated. During the lifetime of Zhandravimen, more than 50 Hindu temples were built in Kejuraho.In the next hundred years, his sons and grandsons inherited his behest, and from 950 to 1050 AD, he built more than 100 temples and completed the miracle of Kejulaho. ——Such a huge building complex does sound as if only a god can complete it.No wonder the Indians attribute all perfection to miracles. The one that fascinates me the most in the Western Temple Group is a temple built by a king in the 12th century. It has both the Hindu lotus symbol and the Islamic dome. It also has the characteristics of Jainism, which means the three religions Unity - This shows that three hundred years before Akbar the Great, there was already a wise king who had the great idea of ​​religious unity. "So, the Kejuraho temple complex was first built by the Chandra Dynasty in 950 A.D., and ended around the 12th century." I calculated the time and asked Xiao Xin, "But the 10th century A.D. was not the most prosperous period for Hinduism. During the period of time, why did Xing Temple suddenly build here?" This question can no longer be explained by myths or legends. Xiao Xin seems to be very unaccustomed to explaining history, so he can reorganize his words after thinking about it. This time, the reason is much more serious. It turned out that around the tenth century AD, the continuous rise of paganism and the invasion of the Mongols caused the power of Hinduism to decline for a while.In this case, the Chandra Dynasty strongly advocated Hinduism, and deliberately publicized its difference from paganism, which is "love".Hinduism believes that making love is as natural and pleasant as eating and sleeping, a bit like the Chinese "food and sex", and advocates exploring the greatest potential of people to satisfy the enjoyment of the senses and pursue the pleasure of sex, so there is yoga , Yes, and at the same time build temples to carry forward this idea.There is somewhat a sense of "promoting religion with love", hoping to attract congregants and revitalize teachings by publicizing sex. I can't help but think of a passage in the book: "Love is the joy of body, mind and soul, in the subtle senses, awake your eyes, nose, tongue, ears and skin, and between feeling and being felt, the essence of love will blossom. Love is The breath of lips to lips, the caress of breasts, buttocks, thighs in a beautiful embrace, out of which children are born: learn to love from this earth." After more than two thousand years, those beautiful prose poems are still very inspiring, and the Kejuraho Temple is indeed the most powerful embodiment of this scripture. The lifelike sculpture, the masculinity of the man, the femininity of the woman, the sad expression, tears almost flow from the pupils.The distorted arm is so real that people dare not even touch it, for fear that it is elastic and warm. Once touched, it will wake up the ancients thousands of years ago and disturb their intoxicated love dreams. I was looking forward, and suddenly there was a burst of laughter behind the temple. Someone was wearing a sari and taking pictures.Even if you only see a figure from a distance, you can be sure that it will never be a local.As the saying goes, "Wearing a dragon robe is not like a prince", the graceful and graceful Indian women cannot be disguised by just a sari. The photographer was quite flamboyant, waving and pointing, not sure if he was telling his partner how to take a picture or calling him to come and take a group photo. The open and close gesture made me suspect that it might be a compatriot.Thinking about it, those people had already put away their cameras and came jokingly, and it really was their local accent. I sigh.Like any famous scenic spot in the world, the more important the monument, the more it looks like the United Nations Bazaar, filled with people of all colors and nationalities.Europeans are the majority, followed by native Indians, and relatively few Asians and Africans.However, since it is the Spring Festival holiday and the peak tourist season in China, there are quite a lot of compatriot groups. When we meet at first, we will feel cordial, but when we meet more, we will feel a little awkward.Because the Chinese people seem to be the noisiest team wherever they go, they always take the lead, calling friends and friends in Mandarin or dialect across mountains and rivers, making as much noise as if they are performing a drama, and there is an inexplicable exaggeration in the movements and sounds.Probably because I don’t go out often, once I’m in a foreign land, I feel like a play, like a dream, and a strong desire to express is aroused by the sense of unreality. Xiao Xin and I avoided the crowd, walked through the sunshine and green trees, and came to the East Temple Group.The construction time here is later than that of the West Temple Group. It was built in the 12th century AD. It is relatively complete, but the scale is smaller, and it has been undergoing restoration work.In front of some semi-open temples, stones of different sizes are scattered on the empty field, some are broken steles and sculptures, and some are probably newly added stones.The masons clank their hammers and are carving a stone lotus.The layers of petals of the lotus have begun to take shape, and the stone chips are splashing, as if there is fragrance and life running out from there. In China, stonemasons and craftsmen are almost only needed in cemeteries or museums, such as erecting steles and inscriptions.The rest, like the pillars of the stone columns decorated with little lions, are mostly cut uniformly with the help of electric drills, or simply mixed with stone powder and poured into different molds. Few people just take a hammer to the original stone without using any machine. The stone was carved with great care. I sat on the grass opposite and stared blankly at the mason hammering stones for a while.The tinkling sound seemed to come from a thousand years ago—was it the case when King Chandra ordered the construction of the Kejuraho temple complex in the tenth century AD?I suddenly felt that the thousand years in between seemed to have ceased to exist. A thousand years ago today, in the same place, there were also masons doing the same thing with the same hammer against the same stone. At that time, I don’t know Is there a girl staring at the meadow where I am sitting now? Xiao Xin was a little impatient, so I stood up and walked on with him.The East Temple Group is mostly built by Buddhism and Jainism, and the sculpture content is very healthy, so it is far less exciting than the West Temple Group, and it is easy to finish shopping. It is said that the Indians at that time were influenced by Buddhism and other pagan religions, and they had become more and more secretive about the topic of sex, and they could no longer be proud and confident of their sex temple buildings. Later, they felt that their capital was full of such temples. a shame.So the new king ordered the capital to be moved, and Kejuraho, the once prosperous capital, disappeared and became a small mountain village that no one cares about.After living in obscurity for more than 500 years, in 1873, a British hunter came here by accident and found this wonderful temple complex that is unparalleled in the world.As a result, the silence of Kejuraho was broken, and after more than a hundred years of development, it gradually evolved into a popular tourist destination.Sadly, most of the people who come to the pilgrimage are not believers, but only for the sex sculptures that once put the Qujuraho people to shame. If Chandra Vagman knows this, I don't know whether it is gratification or sadness.Maybe, he will look down at all the pornographic men and women with compassion, and make a wry smile? When I left the temple complex and went back to the hotel, peddlers surrounded me to sell rough and wild paperbacks, only palm-sized, mainly paintings, of course all sex paintings, far richer and explicit than the Chinese version illustrations I brought to India.At fifty rupees each, I bought two. Xiao Xin took the book and flipped through it, and when he saw those pictures of having sex, he blushed.When I talked with him, I found that he only knew that there was such a book written by Huashiyana, but he didn't know much about what it contained.It seems that on the land of India, even among the true Hindus, it is gradually declining. Its spread has been limited to movies and books, and it exists as a commodity. This is really Huashiyana's greatest sorrow. Through a friend, Xiao Xin booked a luxurious castle-style hotel with a 30% discount.The ceiling of the lobby is extremely high, with a gorgeous crystal chandelier hanging from the top, and directly below is a circular pool with red and white lotus flowers scattered inside. There are cushions on the edge of the pool for guests to sit on, and the surrounding walls are painted with gold and gilt colors. There are beautiful murals, and at the corner is an ancient handrail staircase, which can go up to the third floor. The real luxury of this hotel is not in the decoration, but in the squandering of space.Unlike the usual star-rated hotels, which only use the first floor as a reception hall, and each floor has a roof, there are two rows of dense rooms on the opposite side with a narrow corridor sandwiched between them. A little natural light.It is transparent, hollow, and integrated. The floor is designed in a circular shape. Standing in the lobby, you can directly see the dome, as well as the carved doors and spiral staircases of the guest rooms on each floor.The crystal chandelier hangs down, facing the pool in the center of the hall, and there are a few lotus flowers floating in it. The simple but clear luxury is impressive. Xiao Xin asked for two rooms as usual, and I hurriedly said, "Why don't we share the room." He froze for a moment, and looked at me with a complicated expression. I suddenly realized that I just came back from the sex temple to receive love education, so I must not let him have any misunderstandings, and quickly explained: "I lost my luggage, and I need to save money." In fact, the real reason is that I miss Da Xin, miss him all the time, and miss the night I spent with him by the lotus pond.Xiao Xin is his own younger brother, which makes me feel that getting close to Xiao Xin means still being with Da Xin.What's more, last night I shared the same bed with two strange Korean guests, do I still care about sharing the same room with Xiao Xin? This morning, when Xiao Xin told me that Da Xin had left and left me without saying goodbye again, I said to myself: leave him as far away as possible.So, we left Sarnath without stopping, left Varanasi, and flew to Kejuraho. However, from the moment the plane took off, I regretted it.From that moment on, every minute I was farther away from him, no matter in time or space.This really makes me sick.I'm in love with a monk, that's the inescapable fact, it's a fact that sears me every minute.I know that I will never see him again, so I can only stop his memory psychologically, hoping to be closer to him, and to be closer to the people and things related to him. I really want to thank Xiao Xin for coming at this time.I don't know how alone I would be if it wasn't for him. It was a long-lost dinner, but because I vomited at noon, my appetite resisted the food, and the stronger the seasoning, the more irritating it was.What is most needed at this time is a bowl of warm and light old fire porridge. However, India seems to have no concept of porridge, only various curries and soft or hard cakes. Seeing that I only ate a few peas, Xiao Xin repeatedly asked if the food was not tasty. I smiled and said how could it be, such pickiness would be condemned by God.In order to reassure him, I tried my best to drink an extra bowl of soup and praised him against my will. Back in the room, I heard music coming from the window. I looked down and realized that someone had reserved the back garden for a wedding.I leaned on the window sill and asked him, "The emperor said: Newlyweds are not allowed to share the same bed for three days. Is there still such etiquette?" "Really?" He widened his beautiful eyes like black grapes, "What a strange rule. What else did you say?" It is really ironic that an authentic Hindu would ask me, a Chinese, about the legacy of his ancestors. I simply told him that the whole book includes seven chapters and 35 chapters, including "General Discourse", "Sexual Behavior", "Men", "Wife", and "Other People's Wives". And educate another lady to be a slut. "What a strange book." Xiao Xin said again, then thoughtfully, "Maybe I should read it too." I laughed, changed my clothes and went down with him to join in the fun. In Chinese, it means "asking for a cup of wedding wine". Pass through the huge flower dome and come to the green grassy back garden of the hotel. You can see that the huge garden is divided into left and right parts. The left side is the main venue. , is the guest seat?There is also a circular stage on the right, which is for the guests to dance as they please. The music is played very loudly, probably Indian pop songs, and many people are echoing it. There are many round tables and chairs scattered in the middle of the venue, and there is a buffet table at the side. The protagonists of the wedding are obviously aristocrats, who can afford to hire policemen with guns as guards, and expel foreign photographers or people they don't like.But the law enforcement standards are very unclear, because I also blatantly took a fool camera to shoot wildly at the wedding stage. Instead of being expelled, I was invited to take a photo with the bride and groom on the ceremony stage. The groom wears a red baotou and a red wedding dress, the bride wears a red woven gold saree, and wears gold and silver jewelry on her neck, wrists, and hands. The two of them wear huge flower garlands of the same type and sit side by side decorated with flowers. From a distance, it looks like a silk flower doll standing on a cake for decoration.Neither of them spoke much, as if their only job was to smile.But he didn't seem particularly happy, just obedient and obedient.I heard that the marriage procedure in India is very complicated and the wedding ceremony is very long. Maybe they are tired. It is the guests who are really happy, some are sitting in the viewing seats and whispering, some are walking on the grass with goblets, some are dancing on the round platform in groups, and some are sitting quietly at the dining table, eating, drinking and chatting. They are all dressed up and full of smiles - very much like the style of the English afternoon tea dance in the 18th century, should it be a legacy of the British colonial period? There is a big-eyed Indian girl who, for some reason, gives me a friendly smile every time I pass by, and waves her hand and says "hello".Her smile was so beautiful and warm that I couldn't help but get close to her, so I went to ask her to teach me how to dance.At first she humbly said no, and recommended her sister to teach me, but she couldn't stand my repeated begging, so she took me to the stage together and danced with the songs.I followed her steps and danced with great joy, and formed a circle with her little sisters to dance as a group.Then a handsome Indian guy came up to ask to dance, I gladly accepted, danced with him for a while, and went back to the girls.The girl told me that I looked very much like a sister next door when she was a child, but unfortunately that sister married a foreign country and never saw her again. Hearing what she said, I suddenly felt that I had become so young, at most twelve or thirteen years old, a village girl in her boudoir, who went to the riverside to pick lotus with a group of sisters in my free time, and we, a long, long time ago met. I have never had the experience of sisters going on blind dates in my life. The two sisters with different surnames in my stepfather’s family simply regarded me as an annoying little animal and kicked me if I didn’t like it.In fact, we were strangers. If my mother hadn’t remarried to their father, we would have met each other on the road and would not have noticed each other’s existence.But chance has thrown our destinies astray, and kinked and hated each other like a chain of caltrops. On the contrary, it was this Indian girl I met by chance in a foreign land that made me feel the sisterhood for the first time.Love and hate between people is sometimes just such an accident.Perhaps, this is fate.I have a fate with the girl for a dance; I have a fate for a journey with Xiao Xin; and I have a fate for life and death with Da Xin, although it is also short-lived. Thinking of Da Xin, that distressed feeling came again.The invisible silk thread not only pulls my heart, but also binds my limbs and bones, wrapping them layer by layer. Time is really a wonderful thing. When we get along with him, it feels like a fleeting moment, but in the memory, it seems that we have walked together for a lifetime.It's only been a day and a night since I left him, but it's been like years, even the air is full of longing, and the melody of the music is also telling lovesickness. Indian music has a deceptive power. I danced with the music, twisting my body to unimaginable angles, circling, opening, and making various movements that I couldn't explain.There is no need for rules here, and no one marks my dancing. I don't know whether I am dancing Indian dance, ballet, modern dance, or disco. I just stretch my arms as I like, pouring all my desires and longings into my fingertips, and telling the world Know.There are too many longings and struggles locked in my body, and I have to vent them out through this wild dance. I remember when I was in college, I would perform on behalf of the English Department at the annual orientation and graduation ceremonies.Every time I invite my mother to watch, but she always excuses one thing or another and never comes. Her mother was born in a noble family. When she was young, she was a beautiful, elegant and slightly savage city socialite. She left home to marry because she admired her father's talent.That was the most shining time in her life, she was really a beautiful woman, a perfect match. However, due to my father's lung disease, my mother was gradually dragged down and lost all interest in the good life and romantic feelings, always showing a tired look.After her father passed away, those unreasonable gossip and unreasonable treatment at work made her lose confidence in human nature. There was an eternal tiredness in her eyes and tone, and when she faced me, her face was clearly written With the word "impatient".She felt that she was originally a goose waiting to fly south, but her father and I bound her feet before the cold air came, and she was frozen in the eternal autumn air ever since.For my birth and growth, my mother was forced to accept it as one of the hardships that fate gave her, and regarded my existence as the same trouble as my father's illness.And how much I want her to know that I am not only a burden, but also can be her pride. At my graduation ceremony, each department had to send three programs, and I participated in two of them. One was to act as the heroine in a play, and the other was the ballet solo "Death of the Swan".It was the last honor and glory of my college career. I repeatedly invited my mother to come to watch the ceremony, and she agreed.I was ecstatic, and practiced dancing over and over again, treating each rehearsal as the first or last dance in my life, hoping to dance better than anyone else at any time, and hoping that my mother could be proud of me. But the mother didn't come.When I performed a play, in the auditorium, I couldn't see the shadow of my mother.I cried out a long line on the stage, which touched all the audience, but there was no mother among them. After the show, I called my mother and asked again if she would come?If you come now, you can catch my grand finale in time.She still used that bored tone, saying flatly that she was preparing dinner, and she really couldn't spare time, and finally said perfunctorily: "Let's talk about it later, next time." next time?Doesn't she know that today is my graduation ceremony, there will be no next time, and there will never be a next time? When I changed into the tulle dance dress and dance shoes and returned to the stage, my heart was already the dying swan, dancing the dance of life with its last strength.At that moment, how I wished that I could really die with all my strength, just on this stage, in full view.In that way, my death may be paid attention to, applauded or shed tears for me.But so what?There was no my mother in the middle, she didn't come, she didn't come after all. At some point, all the young people dancing with me retreated to the side of the stage, clapping their hands rhythmically to cheer me up.I was the only one left in the center of the stage. I didn't care, I just danced with my heart, danced with my heart.Walking among strangers, I am a woman with no past and no scars, and this distance makes me feel at ease.But at the same time, I am often dissatisfied, hoping to have someone dear to accompany me.I imagined my mother in the crowd, I imagined Daxin in the crowd, I imagined a pair of eyes that love me in this world, turning with my fingertips. Why is everyone absent?Why is the person I love always so far away?父亲，母亲，大辛，我没有一个可以把握得住，他们与我不是隔着生死与亲疏，就是僧俗有别，永无交集。大辛，如果今生今世都不可以再见你，那生命的延续还有何意义？如果寻找的意义就是为了失去，相逢的结局注定是分别，那么当初，你为什么要出现在我的梦里，为何那样温柔地呼唤我，诱使我对你苦苦追寻？难道这寻找，这相逢，这想念，这眼泪，这拼了生命的舞蹈，都是没有意义的吗？ 我知道自己有一点疯狂，自从离开大辛，世界就不对劲了，做什么都不对劲。从认识他的那一天起，我就一直在心里对他说话，无时无刻，把自己见到的每一样景象每一种感受在心底里对他絮絮不休地诉说着，就仿佛与自己心灵的对话。而当我跟自己说要忘记他的时候，却发现无法终止这诉说，就好像无法停止思想。 我莫名其妙地大笑，莫名其妙地想哭，不知道怎样做才是原来的自己。传说舞蹈首先是一种巫术，是敬神者用自己的身体向上苍祈祷。那么，此时此刻，印度的漫天神佛，读得懂我暴烈的舞蹈吗？他们是否，肯回应我的热望与倾诉？ 我宁可自己爱上的是一个有妇之夫，至少我还可以争取；或是爱上一个绝症病人，只要我们有最后的时间相守；甚至爱上一个万恶不赦被判了死缓的囚徒，只要我还可以探监，可以等待，可以怀抱一线希望祈祷他早日获得减刑，或者至少，可以对他表白。但我偏偏爱上一个僧伽，我还有什么机会？还能够做些什么？ 眼前的一切都开始旋转起来，我的舞步渐渐零乱，却仍不肯停止。小辛察觉了我的异样，上前抓住我的胳膊问：“Scarlet，是不是不舒服？” 我点点头随他下台，含含糊糊地说：“妈妈没有来……”