Chapter 10 Chapter Nine One Day Palace

Lying in bed at night, I still heard music vaguely when I fell asleep, not knowing when the wedding ended.In the dream, I kept dancing with the big-eyed Indian girl, as if wearing red dancing shoes that would not stop, and my legs were swollen when I woke up in the morning. Xiao Xin was still sleeping soundly on the bed next to him, which made me so astonished that my heart stopped beating for three seconds, and then I slowly remembered that I invited him to share the room yesterday.When I woke up in the morning, there was a person of the opposite sex in the room. It was a very unusual thing for me, and I was a little overwhelmed.

My limbs were stiff and I didn't dare to move, for fear of disturbing the strange air in the room, I just turned my head around and saw the colorful Indian paintings on the wall, the brown dressing table and the luggage rack. There are Xiao Xin’s big hiking bag and one of my carry-on backpacks. On the tea table beside the bed are a phone, a pad, a water cup, and a mask I used. The white marble floor is covered with small pieces of embroidered flowers. The carpet and the floor-to-ceiling curtains with beige stripes hang quietly, making it difficult to distinguish the dim light, which makes this strange place look extraordinarily vain, without any sense of reality.

I huddled in my quilt and didn't dare to move, I almost held my breath, my mind was buzzing, full of things like what should I say first if Xiao Xin wakes up at this time trivia.Then I thought of a very real question, if he does wake up, who of us will use the bathroom first?At that time, we will definitely give in to each other. The situation is embarrassing enough if you think about it. It's better to take care of yourself first, so as not to wait to say good morning unkempt. After taking courage for a long time, I finally tiptoed out of bed, and carefully carried my clothes into the bathroom.But no matter taking a shower or using the flush toilet, I was nervous, for fear of waking Xiao Xin up, but the sound of the water pipe was astonishingly loud, like a torture.The water vapor evaporates in the small and airtight space, and the pajamas and clean clothes just changed are all wet, making it difficult to put on the upper body.

When I came out again, Xiao Xin was already awake.I was a little embarrassed, and I didn't want Xiao Xin to repeat my punishment again, so I told him that I would wait for him in the restaurant downstairs.In this way, he can easily take a shower and go back to the bedroom to change clothes. The breakfast is western style, with tuna sandwiches and coffee, I think it's delicious and I eat more than dinner.Xiao Xin looked very satisfied, and I couldn't help being a little moved. It’s always like this, when someone gives me an expensive gift or does me a great favor, sometimes I may not be grateful, I just think about how to repay; but a concerned look, a little gentle kindness, But it often causes huge ripples in my heart, and I even miss it for many years.

After breakfast, Xiao Xin accompanied me for a walk in the back garden. The traces of last night’s wedding were gone, the purple bougainvilleas were in full bloom like fireworks, and the statues of Ganesha or Apsaras were hidden among the trees.We circled around Biqing's swimming pool, and Xiao Xin asked me: "You seem to have something on your mind. The journey is only halfway through, are you already homesick?" I answered casually, "No. I like this place very much." "However, you kept calling 'Mom' in your dream last night. Also, your dance is full of longing."

I was stunned, and looked back at Xiao Xin blankly. He continued: "Dance can't lie. Every gesture of yours is full of missing, very missing. If it's not homesick, it's missing someone. Is it your lover?" I ignored him, took off my shoes and jumped into the swimming pool, diving into the bottom of the water for a long time unwilling to come up. Xiaobo is gentle and full.Sometimes I really wish I was a fish, weeping in the water, no one saw. The feeling of suffocation is getting stronger and stronger, reminding me of the encounter with Da Xin in Lianhuatang.It was originally he who saved me from drowning, but because of the entanglement of aquatic plants, it became me to help him out of trouble.That's why he decided I was committing suicide.

But I'm not, I just feel that life is hopeless, and I want to resign myself to whatever happens. Da Xin, you didn’t save me, but let me fall into another abyss that I couldn’t get out of——love for you. Falling in love with a Samana is asking for trouble, right?This love, which was doomed to disappointment before it started, gnawed at my heart like eating mulberry leaves.You can recite so many Buddha's verses, have traveled so much, and have thought so much, so please tell me, how can I not love you? Xiao Xin was a little anxious, slapped the edge of the pool and called my name.I came out of the water and splashed him with water, Xiao Xin said helplessly, "I really don't understand you, you are happy like a child for a while, and you are full of worries for a while."

I waved to Xiao Xin while swimming on my back: "Come down?" He shook his head and smiled at me with his hands in his jeans pockets. After a while, he rolled up his trouser legs and sat by the pool, putting his feet in the water.The water in the pool is very clear, and you can see the lotus pattern painted on the tiles along the pool. I swam around and came back, holding the edge of the pool and talking to him: "Which of the two brothers has better swimming skills?" "My brother." Xiao Xin said, "He taught me how to swim when I was young." But he doesn't swim very well, I said quietly in my heart, and I couldn't help smiling.Falling in love with someone is like this, like holding a great treasure in your chest, afraid that people will know it, and wishing that everyone in the world would know it.Sometimes I want to cry, sometimes I want to laugh.

I swam back and forth again, and then sat on the edge of the pool with Xiao Xin, slapping the water with my feet like he did.That's when it finally felt like a vacation. For the first time in the past two days, we have really "reminisced about the past".Since Xiao Xin always blamed all my encounters on him not being able to be with me, I had to play it lightly and try my best to speak lightly.But he was still very annoyed, and said bitterly: "How could you think of taking a stranger's car? Fortunately, you only lost your luggage. What if you lose someone?" I deliberately joked: "In Chinese, the word 'shame' can not be said carelessly."

But Xiao Xin couldn't care less about learning grammar from me, so he just paused and sighed: "Don't you know that there is a special ticket office for foreigners at the train station? It's much more orderly and orderly, and it's not so crowded and chaotic." "But I was too busy avoiding those red shirts, and unknowingly followed the flow of people into the ticket hall." Xiao Xin sighed straight away, with a look of anger and regret, and finally said: "When we go to Zhanxi, you will know how to buy a train ticket when you look at me." After thinking for a while, he asked again: Didn't ask about your Varanasi experience. Do you like it? Dolby treats you well?"

Dolby?I almost forgot about that lewd young man, and it took me a while to remember the few hours I spent with him.Of course, it is inconvenient to complain to Xiao Xin that his classmates intend to harass me, so I just pick up some unimportant topics. "Dubi said he was a Brahmin, and this was the first Brahmin I met in India." "Really?" Xiao Xin was a little surprised, "Did he say he was a Brahmin? Then he must be a Brahmin." But his tone was clearly unwilling to believe it.It seems that there is still a strong sense of caste gap in the bones. "He also said that there are 75 Brahmin families in Varanasi." "This is unlikely. Because the caste system no longer exists, and under intermarriage, it is no longer possible to know who is a Brahmin family and who is not. Naturally, it is impossible to have an accurate calculation." "Is there no pure Brahmin?" "That's still there. Did you go to the river to watch the lanterns? Those who offer sacrifices to the master of ceremonies are all pure Brahmins." It seems that Brahmin monks are the only imprint left on India by the caste system. It is rare to live in such a luxurious castle hotel. I carefully visited every mural and sculpture in the lobby, and took pictures before leaving. There is a bus from the hotel directly to Jhansi. We got on the bus, but we got off at Orcha Castle halfway. We planned to go to Jhansi Railway Station after visiting and check the ticket situation before deciding on the next itinerary. Jhansi, formerly known as Madhya Pradesh, was once the largest state in India, but has now been divided into two parts, thus placing it in second place behind Rajasthan. Compared with the majesty of Agra Fort, Orcha Fort is obviously old and out of date, and it is also much smaller.I don't know whether it's due to the years or the robbery, the whole wall is showing a smoky gray-black color, only the Ganesha statue enshrined in the small stone niche is as bright red as new, and the woman's red sari complements each other. Red is the color of China.However, on the streets of China, it is rare to see a woman dressed in bright red, which has been ridiculed as a village custom by today's fashion.However, Indian sarees are unscrupulous, and they will wear red with an extremely ostentatious effect to swagger through the market. In the castle full of tourists, Indian women wearing red sari will always become the focus of tourists competing to take pictures, and those beautiful women in sari seem to be familiar with this situation, as long as tourists make a friendly gesture of please , They will stand in front of the main entrance of the castle with a smile and nod, like a peacock combing its feathers. There is a herd mentality in taking pictures. Often when a tourist presses the shutter, other tourists will also open the camera.So the girl in the red sari stood in front of the door with a smile all the time, waiting patiently for all the tourists to put away their cameras and give her a thumbs up. Then she nodded and smiled like a real princess, dragging her The saris are all gone. I watched that ball of red go away. Today, she brought praise to many people. In fact, what does this girl in red have to do with these tourists?They were strangers to each other, except for a meeting of eyes, they didn't even have a conversation.But many years later, she herself has gray hair, but when these people opened the album, she was still beautiful. The corridors of the old castle are repeated, winding and deep, and only faint outlines can be discerned in the dark.I guess the owner of the castle and his concubines walked in the corridors of this ancient castle, they should have walked by candles, right?Those beauties holding candlesticks and long skirts mopping the floor swing their waists and walk meanderingly. What a beautiful picture it should be. Going up and down the stairs like this, until you get to the top floor, when you look out from the moon cave gate, you can see that there are overlapping green trees all around, and there are many old castles, big and small, and there are birds circling on the fortress.Judging from their design styles, they should belong to buildings of different periods. I couldn't help but took out the camera and took crazy shots. I couldn't finish seeing the beautiful scenery that I couldn't remember. Only through the lens of the camera can I have them for a long time. Taking photos is a way for us to try to remember the beauty of the world. Although it is superficial, it is true and gratifying because of its straightforwardness. A flower that blooms is beautiful only when we look at it, but when we look away and forget it, it dies.I remembered what the Japanese tourist I met in Sarnath said: To practice Buddhism is to spend a lifetime forgetting everything in the world. That's because all that can be left behind are past and unrepeatable things, right?The smile of a child, the image of history, the taste of love, the breath of death, the moment when lovers look at each other, the feeling of heartbeat, rebirth, reincarnation, moment... What we lose is always more than what we gain.Therefore, they tried in vain to make the moment eternal with images. In this way, when we are old, we will have memories.But the really memorable things, even if there are no photos, will be hidden in the bottom of my heart; and if you look at the photos and see the traces on them, but you can’t remember the mood when you took the photos, it will only be more sad, right? People are attached to life because as long as they are alive, every day is new.No matter how boring life is, there will always be something new happening in a new day, good, bad, different from yesterday.People live out of curiosity, always wanting to experience more and keep more.At the same time, I am afraid that the old things cannot be repeated, and the new experience is not as good as before, so I have to take pictures, store them, make life into specimens, and seal up memories. It's like, the Jahan Palace. The most worth seeing in the whole Olcha Castle is the part of Jahaner Palace, which is said to be built by King Orcha to welcome Prince Jahaner, the son of Akbar the Great. After completion, it is only for him for one day Use it, and then seal the door. It may be too extravagant to build a palace just for one day, but anyway, it stayed and became a permanent memorial. There are countless houses built and pulled down in the world, all of which were actually used, but no one remembers.When they are razed to the ground, no one will remember that there was a building here, nor who lived in it, so what is the significance of their existence? If a person has never been truly loved and cherished in his life, what is the meaning of his existence? King Orcha built a palace for his one-sided encounter with Jahan, and I, what can I do for my reunion with Daxin?what can i keepWhen you saw it, you saw it, and when you separated it, you separated it, leaving no trace.Daxin and I will part forever like this?Can't even leave a photo?Not even a formal farewell? Thinking that I would never see him again in this life, I suddenly felt like a knife was piercing my heart, and I couldn't bear the pain and squatted down. Everything around, ancient castles, dark statues, deep corridors, dry pools, and Da Xin’s image are everywhere, but because I know it’s an illusion, it will only make me feel farther away from him. Xiao Xin was taking a picture of me, and when he saw this, he rushed over and asked me, "What's wrong with you? Are you so pale?" "Stomach pain. It's an old problem." I suppressed my appetite and felt deeply sorry. The body of this wolf, the stinky skin of the world, is really a drag. Stomach trouble changed our plan, and we were forced to delay in Jhansi for one night until we had a good rest before leaving. Xiao Xin helped me find medicine from street to alley, and finally took two pills and said, "I got it at the relief station, I don't know if it's right for me?" Medicine can also be taken indiscriminately?I was a little dumbfounded, but I couldn't bear to let him down. Anyway, I couldn't kill anyone, so I swallowed obediently.After a while, I really felt that my stomach pain was a little lighter, and my spirit was slightly refreshed. The room is oppressively hot and insomnia is doomed, so it is better to delay the pain and the struggle to fall asleep until as late as possible.So I said to Xiao Xin, "Take me to the relief station, I'm curious." Xiao Xin was a little reluctant, but couldn't help but begged me, and took me downstairs anyway. The alleys are narrow, the street lights are dim, and there is no one there. The buildings on both sides appear like silhouettes in the moonlight, and the jagged eaves are like whispers.I couldn't help but think of the time when I was looking for a hotel in Sarnath with Da Xin one after the other.His shadow jumps in front of my steps, I have to be careful not to step on it, the wind blows his cassock, I seem to hear the sound of cloth rubbing. Because I didn't look back that day, and I don't know when he left. It feels like he has never left, and he is not far behind me.No matter where I go, he will watch over me. Da Xin Da Xin, how I wish I could be by your side at this moment.Where will you be at this time?Found that mountain to retreat to?Still on the way?Can you miss me for a moment? There is a saying in "Sengzhi": "Twelve moments are a moment, and twenty moments are a snap of the fingers." It is said that life passes by a snap of the fingers, but how many moments and how many thoughts will pass during this period?We meet, we separate, is this light and casual?Like a cloud skimming the water without leaving a trace? I turned the anemone ring on my finger and felt a pinprick in my heart, but maybe it was a stomachache.This ring is the only souvenir Da Xin left for me.I have intense dissatisfaction.Can't help but want to see more and get more.But what am I going to end up with?Will Da Xin return to lay life and marry me, or will he accompany an ascetic monk to wander around for the rest of his life? Occasionally, a stray dog ​​or two would pass by slowly in the alley, but they didn't bark too much.Indian dogs are as gentle and silent as cattle. Turning another corner, I gradually heard people's voices, Xiao Xin said, "Here we are." Seeing the scene in front of me, I couldn't help being stunned. Although the voices were noisy and the lights were flickering, I thought I was seeing a black and white silent film. I saw a few giant pots and stoves on the corner of the street that resembled the era of my country's big pot rice, steaming, and a black and thin young boy with a shirtless body kept pouring ingredients into the pot while vigorously stirring.Another boy scooped up food with a large iron spoon and poured it into an iron bucket.Then the person wrapped in a black baotou lifted it up and distributed the food to the plate. The long row of tables and chairs was full of people, not crowded, but arranged in an orderly manner in three layers.The people on the innermost floor sat on the chairs and devoured it, while the people behind waited with restraint, their eyes fixed on the food on the table.Some people occasionally looked up at us, and then turned their heads to feast on the food with their eyes. Dozens of food plates were lined up on the table, filled with potatoes, vegetables, beans, broken cakes and so on. The people sitting in the row finished eating quickly within the specified time, got up and left, and the people in the second row went on Sit down and lick up the leftover soup from those in front of you while you wait for the relief workers to refill your meal.The row behind them stretched their necks impatiently.There are occasional simple conversations between them, but in the eyes, they only feel that there is a heavy silence everywhere. I couldn't help my stomach hurting again, it felt like a rough little spoon was scraping the stomach wall one by one. I have known for a long time that India is a country with unequal wealth, but poverty appears in front of me in such a naked and crowded way, and it still feels like a nightmare.Although India today has eliminated institutions, it does not mean that classes have been eliminated.However, the concept of class is no longer Brahmin or Kshatriya, but rich and poor. The rich in India are different from the rich in China. The rich in China are often unattractive in appearance, and even look a little trivial because of the ancient saying that "wealth should not be revealed." Indians' wealth is written on their faces, which is clear at a glance.This is probably because their family background still has a foundation and a history after all. The upstarts are a minority after all, and more rich people still come from noble races, so there is a sense of certainty in their expressions that they are calm and taken for granted. Just like the beauties in red sari I saw in the old castle yesterday, and the guests who attended the wedding in the back garden of the hotel at night, the men are all like the Secretary of State, and the women are like princesses or princesses. The old man is kind and peaceful, and the girl is elegant Gentle, everyone has bright eyes, bright smiles, elegant demeanor, and more civilized and friendly conversation-Rome is really not built in a day. Compared with the rich, the beggars and beggars all over the streets are full of embarrassment and dissatisfaction. No matter how sincere and hypocritical smiles they make, there is still a peek under those twinkling eyes.Just like the people waiting in line for alms in front of us, how can we talk about dignity when they are so embarrassed? Judging from their attire, they were not all beggars or tramps, and some of them could even be called neat.I asked Xiao Xin what was going on?Xiao Xin didn't know much about it, and only said that he was probably a poor person on relief. Although he was not begging, he could save a meal at home by picking up meals at the relief station. When Xiao Xin said these words, he had an expression of shame on his face. I think he felt ashamed for his compatriots.Why do these young and strong beggars come here to lick the leftovers if they can't solve the most basic three meals a day?It can be seen that what is really poor is not physically, but spiritually. Believing in Brahmanism and washing their sins in the Ganges River did not make them noble and self-respecting. Therefore, the Buddha Sakyamuni explored a deeper way of liberation, and used practice to eliminate the gap between rich and poor and seek true spiritual nobility. . This is the ultimate pursuit of the Daxins, right? The next morning we arrived at Jhansi Railway Station. It was as chaotic and crowded as I expected, but because Xiao Xin was by my side, I didn't feel worried. There are different classes of trains in India, usually divided into express, express, ordinary and civilian trains.It is said that the situation of civilian trains is terrible. Not only are all the aisles full of people and luggage, but when the train schedule is tight, sometimes there are people lying on the luggage racks. Because there is no ticket check when entering the platform, and the low-level carriages do not check tickets on the way, and the doors are never locked, and passengers can open the door at any time, so fare evasion is very easy, which can explain why many trains even have a roof. There are many people sitting and lying down, and there will be people hanging outside the joints of the carriages.Anyway, the weather in India is warm and the speed of the car is slow, so it is considered a joyride. What we bought was an express ticket, but the fare also has three grades: air-conditioning, ordinary sleeper, and seat.Indian train tickets implement a real-name system. When buying a ticket, you must fill in your name, age, gender, address, destination, and train number on the application form. It is not like buying a train ticket, but rather like applying for a train attendant. Xiao Xin took two forms for me to fill out, and opened the map and said to me: "Now there are two options, one is to go to the pink city of Jaipur, transfer to the blue city of Jodhpur, and then go south to Mumbai; Go directly to the south, first go to Ajanta to see the caves, then go all the way to Mumbai, Goa, Mysore, and finally to Cochin, where we can take a boat, fish, eat seafood, have fun for a few days, and then fly back Derry." "Isn't that getting farther and farther away?" I followed his fingers to find out the direction with difficulty, and said a little absent-mindedly. Xiao Xin asked strangely: "What is getting further and further away?" I froze for a moment, only to realize that I had been secretly guessing about Daxin's itinerary, and subconsciously calculating the distance between me and Daxin, thinking that we were getting farther and farther away, I was really reluctant to part with it. "Then Ajanta." I finally said, as if approaching the Buddhist cave, I approached him. The ticket is for the afternoon, and there is still time to go around.We visited an ancient Indian temple that had been in disrepair for a long time. Xiaoxin said that there were originally 22 Hindu temples in the Orcha area, but because of the destruction of Aurunzeb, only four remain. It's Auronzeb again, the crazy warmonger who seems to have a grudge against all great architecture, and luckily spares his father's Taj Mahal. The sun was shining brightly, almost extravagantly.We were tired from shopping, so we sat by the river and watched the women wash their clothes.They spread the sari on the stones in the shallow water, beat it vigorously, raised and lowered their arms, and the sky and the ground were filled with their passion and vitality. Because it is a village, the river here looks quiet and smooth, especially lively.There are forests on the other side of the river, and the tip of an ancient castle is hidden in the distance. On the top is a blue sky without a cloud. The river water, the green trees, the smiling face of the woman and the sari on her body, as well as the children crawling in and out of the woman, are all light and shining.Such a bright and extravagant weather makes people feel that their sickness is simply a sin. Indian women usually hang their clothes on the river beach instead of using wire or rope to dry their clothes.I asked Xiao Xin: "Aren't you afraid of the dirt on the ground? No matter how clean the river beach is, there will inevitably be dirt and dust, right? Isn't that a waste of time?" "Nature is the cleanest, and the sun is sacred and clean, and the sun can kill viruses, so how can it be dirty?" Xiao Xin explained while gesturing, "They beat hard, and they have already knocked out all the dirt. It’s all loose, and once it’s exposed to the sun, there’s nothing dirty about it. Even if it gets a little muddy, shake it like this afterward, fold it up, and it’ll be clean.” I nodded, suddenly yearning for it.When I was young, I lived in a detached courtyard. Hand-washed clothes were hung on bamboo poles to dry in the sun, and when dusk was put away, they smelled like sunshine.Sometimes it is forgotten to put away, and the next morning there will be moonlight and the smell of dew.In spring, reflecting the oleander in the courtyard, it seems to have a floral fragrance.When you stretch out the sleeves and put on the upper body, it is like wearing a floral dress. Although the material is old, it is soft and attached, with the breath of spring. Later, I moved and moved into a building. The narrow corner balcony had to be airtightly covered with stainless steel glass, and an anti-theft net was stationed outside.Clothes are all washed in a washing machine, soaked, washed, rinsed, and dried with one click, only to fly to the clothesline.Neither the sun nor the breeze can come into direct contact with the clothes.People live in high-rise buildings, and their breath is lost; their clothes are also separated by glass, and they lose their vitality. I almost forgot the feeling of wearing the hand-washed clothes and the way the clothes swayed in the breeze.If you can choose clothes, you will miss the sunshine and the spring breeze. We were walking in the alley, and when we passed the milk tea shop, we saw many whole or broken rough pottery bowls scattered in the corner in front of the door.I also want a bowl to drink, and then smashed the pottery bowl against the corner like Xiao Xin, feeling a kind of decisive joy.I also tasted a few curry dumplings and fried food that I can't name at the food stall for lunch. There are always so many idlers on the streets of India, and they may not be homeless, but most of them don’t seem to need to work. Most of them wear collarless Turkish pullovers and baggy trousers, and stand on the street with their arms folded all day long with nothing to do. Look at the scene.When I walk alone, I meet people like this everywhere. Sometimes they will follow a certain distance for no reason, do nothing, just talk very loudly, as if to attract my attention. At first I was always flustered, fearing that they had some intentions, but then I gradually found that as long as I ignored them, they would automatically walk away after a while, as if they had no intentions.At this time, Xiaoxin and I were walking in Jhansi, and there were such people behind us. When we bought curry puffs at the street stall, they also stood there and watched attentively, as if they were seeing the making of curry dumplings for the first time. , and seemed to be surprised at why a foreign woman would eat their food, and then followed for a full street before stopping hesitantly and walking away. I thought of the people I saw at the relief station last night and wondered if they might be among them.Asking Xiao Xin what they were looking at, Xiao Xin answered very well: "When you go to the river to watch women washing clothes, you think it is a scenery; they watch you walk and do things, it is also a scenery." Then he took out his mobile phone to check the time and said, it's almost time, let's go to the station.I see that the time is still far away, but remembering the "India time" that Xiao Xin said, I don't make a sound. When we entered the station, we found that there were quite a few people who had the same idea as us. The platform was full of people, standing, sitting, and ubiquitous hawkers passing through the crowd. A few thieves.I followed Xiao Xin's warning and hugged my backpack to my chest. I was looking left and right to find a place to sit down, when I suddenly heard someone say hello, "Miss Tan." When I looked back, it was Miss Qiu, the female leader of the Guangdong tour group I met in Varanasi, who hurriedly introduced her and Xiao Xin.Team leader Qiu told us with a sad face that they had originally scheduled the train at 10:00 in the morning, but the notice was delayed by three hours, and they didn't know when the train would leave.I suddenly became sad, afraid that my car would also be delayed. There are still many people in the tour group who remember me, and at this time, they all crowded up and complained about what happened in the past few days, some lost their wallets, some bought fake products, and two or three were unable to survive due to dysentery. Those who didn't stop traveling and flew back to Delhi for medical treatment first, a good tour group, almost turned into a refugee group.An elderly fat lady cursed through gritted teeth, vowing that she would never come to this ghost place again in her life.He asked me how my days were going and how I felt about India. I thought about it, and said sincerely: "I like this place very much, even if I want to stay forever, I don't mind." Xiao Xin took a deep look at me, eyes full of surprise and touch.I was secretly taken aback, only to realize that I was vague, but don't let him have any misunderstandings. Fortunately, an hour later, our train pulled in on time.We waved goodbye to Ms. Qiu, squeezed into the crowd and got on the bus. The order of the sleeper car is not bad, and there will be no overcrowded disorder like the hard-seat car, but the strong body odor of the Indians is crowded in this small space, almost like a tangible and colorful, extremely dull A veil enveloped me like a curtain, and it was difficult to breathe. The curry dumpling was churning in my stomach, swelling like cotton absorbing water. I endured bitterly, hoping to reach Ajanta sooner.But the train stopped after more than an hour, restarted after a while, but drove back to the station backwards, Xiao Xin got out of the car and asked for a while, and came back and said that the wheel was broken and needed repairs.God, it's the first time I've heard of a train breaking down.There are bicycle repairers, tricycle repairers, and car repairers. I haven't heard of a train breaking down yet.After repairing for about two hours, it was repaired, and then started.After driving for a short time, it stopped again and continued to repair. I finally couldn't take it anymore, rushed to the bathroom and vomited. After vomiting, I felt that all the strength in my body was exhausted, so I could only lean on the car door limply and wait for the feeling of dizziness to subside. Outside the car window, large trees and villages rolled away like flowing water, and I felt as if I was kidnapped by time.The whole world is moving forward in an unsteady manner at its own pace, but I am bound by some kind of huge force to move forward at a high speed, and it is too late to take anything away. Time flies by, fleeting, and even If you can’t see the world outside the window clearly, you’ve already lost the scenery of that moment and that place—that’s probably the mood of those people who are greedy for life and afraid of death, right? I leaned on the car door and thought wildly, and it took a long time to wake up a little. When I turned around, I found that the car door was full of snot, and it was all rubbing against me at the moment.After a burst of nausea, I couldn't help vomiting again, and finally stopped until I vomited green bile and couldn't vomit. With the last of my strength, I washed the dirty part of my clothes, put them back on wet again, and groped all the way back to my berth. I didn't even understand what Xiao Xin asked me, so I fell down and fell asleep. Physical pain can directly affect emotions, and the dreams are all interlaced with the most unpleasant episodes in life. I dreamed that my father was bathing in the Ganges, the sun was shining from behind him, and the water droplets splashed around him like thousands of diamonds. I walked towards him, but the current was so fast that my boat could not cross.The river took me farther and farther away from him. I struggled in the river, and my mother stared at me from the bank with sad eyes, but she refused to help.The two older sisters with different surnames smiled freely and pointed at me.I said to my mother: "I am your daughter, do you really care about me?" My mother frowned, as if complaining that I didn't understand her, and turned away. At this time, I remembered that my father was dead, and I started to cry: "Take me away, take me away from this loveless world." I shouted loudly, in the dream, all emotions were magnified several times, no longer the daily forbearance and reservation, Tears splashed unrestrainedly.I am indifferent to material requirements, but I have a strong desire for love, and I will always be inexhaustible in my love. I need the certification of my lover to determine my own survival value. However, God is stingy and gives me less than ordinary people. difficult. During my futile efforts to swim back, the long Ganges River was suddenly razed to the ground. When I ran over, what I saw was not my father, but Da Xin.He sat on the lotus platform and smiled at me with infinite compassion in his eyes.I knelt down and couldn't help crying... Xiao Xin shook me awake: "Scarlet, you have been moaning, is your stomach still hurting?" Not wanting to worry him, I said vaguely, "No, it's just a nightmare." Not just nightmares. That dream stirred up many details in real life, those past events that were forced in the depths of my memory and I didn’t want to think about them——in the sixth year when I went to my stepfather’s house with my mother, I got up with my two sisters for a small matter The dispute ended, and the two of them worked together to force me into a corner, shoving and insulting me.It happened that my mother came back from get off work, and I rushed to ask for help, but they complained first, and instead accused me of my faults. The two cooperated tacitly and kept testifying for each other, accusing me of all kinds of unwarranted crimes.Just as I was about to retort, my mother suddenly stretched out her hand, slapped me hard, and shouted, "Shut up!" Yes, I once told Xiao Xin that in my stepfather’s house, my two sisters would yell at me to “shut up” every time I spoke, but that’s not all true, the yelling from strangers is not enough to hurt me so deeply , and walked with scars for many years and still can't heal.The real hurt actually came from my mother, from that abrupt and unreasonable slap, and the extremely annoying "shut up".At that moment, I realized that my mother was ashamed of me. She didn't care about right and wrong, whether I was wronged or bullied. She just resented all the troubles that came with my remarriage, resented my life itself. I am not only the most unwelcome stranger in this family, I am even an extra life that my mother does not want to accept. The moment this cruel truth became clear in his mind, it was like lightning tearing through the lead-black night sky, with an unavoidable sting.I jumped up and jumped at the two sisters, trying to see the truth with them through violence.It was they who wronged me that made my mother feel so contemptuous and tired of me, and even ashamed of my life.This made me despise my own life, wishing I could die with both of them.我用力扯着她们往阳台上拖，自己也不知道为什么这样，似乎是想要拉着她们一同跳楼。她们用力掰开我的手，拉扯我的头发，拉得粘血的长发一缕缕地扯下来，我都不理，只是跳着脚，用尽浑身力气号叫着，拼了性命地要用生死为自己讨一个公正。 这时候继父回来了，他像老鹰捉小鸡那么轻松地将我一扯便扯离了两个姐姐的夹击，抛垃圾一样随手抛在墙角，不耐烦地大喝：“都闹什么闹？不得安生。你也不好好管管。”后一句话是冲母亲说的，但语气分明在指责我。 我看着母亲，却只在她的眼中看到怨恨与烦厌，是在怨我惹事生非，让她被继父责怪吧？不论她怎么小心都好，两个异姓姐姐从没有给过她一点好脸色。我知道她活得很艰难，才四十多岁便早早白了头发。生活的不如意使她对亲情这个词渐渐陌生，更对我心生厌倦，以为是她生命中不得不承负的一个包袱，再无怜惜。 有种说不出的冷袭击了我的全身，我低下头，看到自己的鼻血滴下来，滴在红地毯上绣着的紫红牡丹花瓣上，一下子就融了进去。 这地毯是继父的品味，不仅是地毯，还有窗帘，床帏，壁画，家里到处都是这样的牡丹花。牡丹的寓意是富贵团圆。这个富贵团圆的家里，没有我的位置。 那一年我走出家后，再也没有回去过。高中结束，我以优异成绩毕业，完全可以选择一所更好的大学。但为了学费的问题，只报考了一间师范学院。为的是学费全免，包分配工作。 在成长岁月中，我强迫自己不去仇恨，强迫自己忘记所有的不快乐。但这个夜晚的漫长行车与噩梦使往事重现。我看到自己映在车窗上的脸，有一种扭曲的惶恐，事隔经年，母亲那一掌的力度仿佛仍然留在那里。 那是一张被思念和病痛折磨得失去了水分与生趣的脸，羸瘦得近乎陌生，令人怔忡。 一直以来，我觉得自己就像一只缓慢爬行的蜗牛，父亲的病逝好像在我的壳上凿了一个洞，生命从此不完整。而母亲的离弃则是将原已残缺的壳生生扯掉，让我孤单惶惑地爬行在烈日风雨中，遍体伤痕，痛楚而无助。 我告诉大辛：我不是自杀，只是不想活。 不想活，因为路漫漫其修远兮，而生命无人怜惜。如果我在那一天沉尸池塘，也不会有什么人为我掉眼泪。 但是他偏偏在那个时候经过，偏偏要救我，并在莲塘边陪伴我一整夜。当我挽着他的手一起游出水面，看到太阳依然明亮的时候，我就该知道，生命不再是我一个人的事，而是属于他。是他给我第二次生命，他不该再抛弃。 如果他不要我，如果我的生命从此与他无关，那么生命于我，又有何意义呢？ 小辛见我久久不说话，越发担心，说，“也许我们不应该这样长途跋涉，不如早点回德里，让你好好休养几天。” “我千里迢迢飞来印度，可不是来睡觉的。”我强笑，“别杞人忧天了，我真的没事。” “什么人？什么天？这个成语我没听说过。” 我笑：“给你讲个故事吧，一个'杞人'的故事。” 火车摩擦铁轨，发出有规律的“卡哒”声，令人安心。至少这证明它行进稳定，或许不会再轻易坏掉、停下。已经是黎明时分，大片村庄在晨曦微茫的窗外转瞬即逝，如岁月流失不可挽回。我对着窗上的影子枯瘦地笑了一下，转过脸，给小辛讲起了什么是“杞人忧天”，什么是“庸人自扰”，什么是“庄周梦蝶”，什么是“镜花水月”…… 当我们说到“南柯一梦”的时候，天亮了。