Chapter 8 Chapter 7 Bodhi has no tree

Da Xin said: Life is suffering because of insatiable greed. I took advantage of the right time and place and his kindness to snatch a relationship together, but because of my success, I had to restrain myself. God knows how much I want to just cuddle with him until dawn, but, I know how cruel and mean that would be to him, I can't test him anymore. In the end I decided to find a hotel and stay. Da Xin silently followed behind me, and the street lamps stretched his shadow long, slanting across my feet.I was careful not to step on that shadow, I just felt thrilling.The stars shone with metallic cold light in the distant night sky, the street was very deserted, and occasionally people passed by, all of them cast strange eyes on us.A young woman and a monk are looking for a hotel together, no matter how you look at it, it is a bit ambiguous.

I know he is worried about me walking alone in the Sarnath at night, but I can't bear to be his burden.So when I saw the first small hotel, I walked in and decided to stay after simply haggling a few words. When I looked back, I found that Da Xin had already left. There is no bathing equipment in the room. To take a shower, you have to go to the public bathroom downstairs, but the corridor lights are broken.I stood on the stairs with my clothes in my arms and hesitated for a long time. The gold powder on the wall paintings shone faintly in the dark, as if mocking my weakness.The damp carpet gave off a faint and unknown smell, like an undercurrent surging, and I always felt that some unknown creature would swim out of a certain corner at any time.I finally decided to talk about it tomorrow morning, just as if I were in the wilderness tonight.

I put on dry clothes and went to sleep, but I couldn't sleep well anyway. In the dimness, I saw another self get up from the bunk and go out quietly.That me, only eight years old. Nalan.A voice is calling me. I followed the voice and walked slowly while leaning on the wall, as if I was only three or four years old and still toddling. The door opened, and the sunlight came in brilliantly. Dad walked in from the light and shadow, hugged the little me, and praised me full of praise: "It's really capable to walk so far alone." Then, my mother also appeared, younger and more beautiful than I remembered, with curly hair, makeup, long and thin eyebrows, a hollow hand-knitted sweater over the cheongsam, and the white collarbone exposed in the neckline , looks like someone from a nostalgic movie.She called me "Xiaohong" and smiled warmly like spring.

The father immediately reported to the mother: "My daughter can walk, and she walks very well." My mother kissed me in my father's arms, and said: "Xiaohong is so good at walking, will she fly away alone without her parents when she grows up?" But later, it was they who didn't want me, father and mother, who abandoned me in different ways. If my father hadn't died, where would I be at this time?Probably will sit around the table with mom and dad to eat New Year's dinner, right? Since my mother remarried, every Spring Festival has become a day of torment for me—the reunion dinner, if I don’t eat it, it’s because I don’t give face, I’m ignorant, I don’t fit in with my mother, and I eat it, but everyone thinks I’m redundant. Two sisters with different surnames said sarcastically Finding faults made me embarrassed. In order to take care of my mother, I could only accompany the rice with tears. No matter how deep the grievance was, I could only swallow it hard. Every grain of rice swelled infinitely and stuck in my chest.

Later, even such an embarrassing New Year's Eve dinner was gone, and I was the only one who counted the bells. How lively the firecrackers are on New Year's Eve, how deserted I feel. So I fell in love with traveling, and took all my savings to go around every holiday, spending busy holidays amidst the hustle and bustle of hypocrisy.I know that many experienced travelers are very good at saving. In order to save one yuan in room fees, they can spend two or three hours looking for hotels, and they regard hard work as the first effort of donkey friends.But I don't want to be so deliberate. Traveling is a luxury for me. Although I am poor, I don't want to be too hard on myself, and I don't want to spend too much energy in order to save money.Whenever possible, I always try to make my life as comfortable as possible, at least to take a nice hot bath.

The salary of a middle school teacher is meager, but being a tutor and occasionally translating foreign popular novels has benefited me a little. The income of the whole semester is just enough to cover a vacation trip.One winter and one summer, I tried my best to live a colorful life, just like my father said: I can walk very well, and I can walk a long way alone. Walking around so lonely and blindly tirelessly is because I can't stop, and when I stop, I will cry. In the middle of the night, I had a stomach attack, and I tossed and turned with my hands in front of my stomach in pain, reminiscing about the tender reunion in my dream.It was rare to be able to dream of the sun shining on such a night of sickness and wind and rain.

The dream is so clear that even the dust particles flying in the beam of light can be seen clearly, full of joy.The carved tables and chairs in the late Qing Dynasty, the glass fish tank with a round belly on the table, the most common red-tailed goldfish is kept in it, and the bottom is covered with small pebbles. Gold chain…… There was wind blowing in, and I felt a chill on my shoulders. It turned out that the windows were not closed tightly, and the white gauze curtains were blowing.I sat up, but I couldn't find my slippers for a while, so I simply walked to the window barefoot, opened the curtain and looked out.

It turned out that the rain had stopped.There is no one on the street, and the faint lights will only make the night darker. The outline of the opposite eaves is hazy and subtle, and it is integrated with the background.The stars blinked mysteriously in the high sky, as if they knew everything.In this deep and quiet Indian night and the half-dark dawn, everything seems vague and has infinite possibilities.Or, did father really come here just now? The wind blows, bringing a green breath, and it is hard to tell whether it is the fragrance of flowers or leaves.I have never known much about plants. I remember when my father was hospitalized, he wore a uniform hospital gown, used lunch boxes and cups issued by the hospital, and a set of toilets and sanitary ware for each person. Everything was from the hospital. It's like a group of imprisoned test rats.Mom brought a pot of jasmine from home and put it on the window sill of the ward, saying that she hoped that the ward would have a little bit of home, and the doctor did not object.

Two days after my father passed away, I remembered the pot of jasmine, and went to the hospital to bring it back.But it has withered a little.I watered it every day to no avail, and soon died.Mom said it was tainted with dead air in the hospital.I cried very sadly, feeling like my father died for the second time.Since then, I have never raised any plants.These things happened a long time ago, but tonight I suddenly remembered them again, and even the branches and leaves of the pot of jasmine seemed to be clearly visible. I stood in front of the window and hesitated for a while, but I didn't close the window after all. I went back to bed and continued to sleep, hoping to return to my father's arms.But my stomach kept cramping, pulling me away from sleep.

The Chinese compare dreams to dreamland, and now they drive me out of the country. It was a cloudy day, almost ironic, reminding me to remember: a dream is a dream. After checking out the room, I went to the street to look for a pharmacy, but there are many herbal remedies here, and I can't find the stomach medicines I often take anywhere.Walking on the street, I was very anxious.It is completely different from the hustle and bustle of Varanasi, much more primitive and much cleaner.I was a little reluctant to leave, but I had no reason to stay.I have already met Da Xin, and I have said all that I should say and can say, and the goodbye has become an entanglement.

But, did you leave like this?There seems to be a thread in my heart, and I take a step to pull it, and it hurts slightly, inexplicably sad, and full of unspeakable powerlessness.When passing a bus stop, I saw a bus to Varanasi. I stopped and said to myself: Get on the bus, just leave like this, and never look back.But at this moment, the phone rang twice. It was Xiao Xin who sent a text message saying that he had finished his work in Delhi and asked me where I was. I told him that it was in Sarnath, and that Daxin placed the order here. Xiao Xin's reply came quickly: Please help keep my elder brother, I will immediately book a plane ticket to meet you in Varanasi. I suddenly felt that the task was heavy. Brother Sinha hadn't seen each other for many years. If I missed this time, I don't know when we will see each other again.I have to go back to find Da Xin, not for myself, but for Xiao Xin. The Buddha said that the world is universal, and I say that helping others is a pleasure, and the two are no longer contradictory. With a reason to stay in Sarnath, my mood suddenly improved, and even my stomach pain seemed to be much relieved. So I went back to Kuti Temple again. The bhikkhus were doing morning classes. I walked alone through the gallery and the monk’s house until I walked to the backyard. At a glance, I saw Da Xin sitting under the bodhi tree and meditating. I walked over, sat down nearly a hundred meters away from him, and looked at him quietly.His face is so beautiful and silent, like a gentle deer facing the waves, the water of the Ganges remembers his appearance, and uses this beauty to light up lotus lamps one after another. That familiar feeling came again.I seem to have been waiting for him like this for centuries.If I can stare at him like this until eternity; if I can follow him from now on, just like the five monks follow the Buddha, I am willing. "I do." I thought I was just thinking, but I said it softly. Shocked, he opened his eyes and looked at me. I didn't say anything, but he already understood, shook his head and said, "One thought is a condition, one thought is a calamity, one thought is a cause, and one thought is an effect." "One thought of heaven, one thought of hell. I have heard of it." I pleaded, "But I have lost my way. In this world, there is nothing I pursue or miss. Now that I meet you, I don't want to part again. , please let me follow you. If you become a monk, I will also become a monk; if you wander, I will also wander. I just ask you to allow me to accompany you, and don’t drive me away. Buddha, don’t you also reject bhikkhunis?” "Your six faculties are not clean, how easy is it to become a monk?" He stood up and prepared to go back to the meditation room. I stopped him: "Can you do it? Are you really capable of renunciation and extinction of love? Xiao Xin will come here to meet you soon, will you meet him?" He started, his eyes turned to the sky, as if the answer was written in the clouds. I knew that I had touched his weakness, so I asked further: "If you can really let go, then seeing and seeing are no different. There is no need to escape or hope. Can you really do it? He is your own brother, a compatriot with your mother. , connected by blood, can you really treat him like a mortal, a stranger? If you can't, then I am a mortal, and it's easy to have selfish desires, so why do you mind?" "Greed, hatred, ignorance, and desire are all suffering. If you want to become a monk, there is no difference whether you are in India or in China; but if you want to become a monk for me, you are deliberately forcing it and running counter to the Buddha's will. This is not fate, it is evil." "I know that 'self-inflicted crimes cannot live', but I am willing. If I am willing, I am not forcing it on purpose. And if you don't want me to do this, you are forcing my will." I knew that I was trying to make excuses. If I couldn't speak English, I would switch to Chinese, and if I couldn't argue with Zen, I would try to talk about human feelings, but I was determined to confuse him and confuse him. Before becoming a Buddha, the Buddha also had countless confusions and inadequacies, so he had doubts, practiced hard, meditated until suddenly enlightened.After enlightenment, he is still a person of flesh and blood, and he will still be born, old, sick, and die.He advocated that life and death have reincarnation, even he will enter reincarnation after passing away, everything has no form. Buddha died at the age of eighty.When he was dying, he led his disciples to leave the city of Vaisya and head northwest. According to his route, it was obvious that he wanted to return to his hometown, Kapilavatthu.However, when passing through Jushnaya, his condition suddenly worsened.On the day of Nirvana, he took a bath in the river, pulled up a rope bed at a place where two sala trees grew in four directions, and lay on his side.All the disciples knew that the Buddha was going to Nirvana, and they all waited beside him. That night, a Brahman scholar Subhada asked to see the Buddha, but Ananda wanted to stop him.When the Buddha knew about it, he called him to the bedside and spoke to him.Immediately Subhadda had an epiphany and became the last disciple of the Buddha. The ancient trees gave off a thick and deep fragrance. The Buddha lay on the rope bed, with his head facing north, his feet facing south, his back east and west, his head resting on his right arm, and he left peacefully. . After the Buddha's Nirvana, the disciples cremated his body, divided the unburned remains into eight parts, and distributed them to the eight kings. Using a tangible pagoda to entrust invisible thoughts and offer incense is probably the first devout act of believers who violated the Buddha's order in order to respect the Buddha? The Buddha statue is the second act of treachery.After the Buddha passed Nirvana, there were no Buddha statues. He only told his disciples to take the Dharma as their teacher and work hard.At the beginning, the disciples also did the same, recite the scriptures left by him every day to remember him, and did not worship Buddha. But later, people felt that it was not enough, and felt that praying to the void was not as tangible and qualitative as making a wish to the illusion, so they made Buddha statues to commemorate them. Later, they made golden bodies for the Buddha, as noble as they wanted, and as luxurious as they were, which became more and more contrary to the original meaning of the Buddha's edict.People say "incense is at its peak", but don't they know that incense is desire? If you are a real eminent monk, how can you use false fame and profit as your responsibility to confuse the public?The meaning of the Buddha, the more noisy it is among the bells and incense, the more it will be diluted, and it will appear and disappear. The Buddha lived in the world for forty-nine years, and taught the scriptures for three hundred and sixty meetings. He has transformed thousands of disciples all over the world. There are 1,255 permanent monks who have certified arahantship.When the Buddha opened the altar to teach the Dharma, his tongue was shining like a lotus flower, and there were questions and answers.It's like swallows have one kind of cry for flowers, but another kind of image for water; and flowers and water have different perceptions of swallow's cries, giving birth to new questions and answers.This is not what the swallows say, and the flowers and water say what they say, but an interactive combination, resulting in an organic breakthrough and epiphany. But the disciples of later generations no longer have such opportunities to talk to the Buddha over their doubts, nor can they generate random enlightenment. They can only parrot and stiffly recite the scriptures and sayings left by the Buddha.And different disciples in different places have different understandings of Buddhism, so the branches are gradually divided, and there are many sects: Mahayana, Hinayana, Tantra, Zen, Tibetan, Han... Gradually, there are various schools of thought, and the opinions are different. . In the process of spreading Buddhism, it is often used by the ruling class. In order to flatter the court, monks will inevitably have some interpretations against their will, so that they are getting farther and farther away from the real Buddhism, and combined with politics and power, they become Tool of the powerful.For example, when Emperor Wu of Liang saw Bodhidharma, he asked, "What merit does building a monastery and fasting monks bring to me?" He answered, "No merit." He was expelled immediately. Another example is that Emperor Yang of the Sui Dynasty killed his father and brother and ascended to the throne. Later, he promoted Buddhism to appease people's hearts and rebuild his image.In 612 AD, he ordered Zheng Shanguo, Minister of Dali Temple, to ordain 27 monks in Luoyang, and 13-year-old Xuanzang was one of them. Buddha was originally a Hindu, who was skeptical because of his opposition to Brahmanism, and left home to study hard in pursuit of the true meaning of life; Xuanzang was eager to understand the true meaning of Buddhism, and traveled far to India to seek the most authentic teachings; what about Daxin today? ?What is he for? The more Buddhism is advocated, the farther the Buddhism will be.For a devout believer, the most important quality has never been firm will, but when the mind is simple and unconditionally believes that kowtow to the Buddha statue for a lifetime, and burn incense for a lifetime, you can complete your merits and virtues and achieve positive results.But Xuanzang is not like this, and neither is Daxin. They want to understand the source of Buddhism, follow the Buddha's whereabouts and retake the path of practice, and go back to before the era. I feel sad for him, but I also see hope in this - if he is just a monk who follows the rules, what hope do I have?But he is so uneasy, there are too many doubts and reflections in his heart, his loyalty is directly proportional to his rebellion, the more devout, the more intense.Such a temperament is destined to be painful.It suffers more from piousness than the world, and suffers more from doubt than the Sangha.If he goes all the way like this, if he can't fully realize it, he will definitely run in the opposite direction. Maybe, one day, he will take off his monk's robe, abandon the Buddha and become a layman? After the morning class, the monks walked out of the Buddhist temple in twos and threes. When they saw Da Xin and me, they all cast strange glances. There was a wind blowing, and a bodhi leaf fluttered down. I reached out to catch it. I didn’t want to disturb Daxin’s meditation, so I had to pretend to visit. Gallery to appreciate the murals. On the colorful wall tiles, a full moon is in the sky. The Buddha sits under the bodhi tree and meditates hard. The three daughters of the demon: love, hatred, and greed, surround him, in a very beautiful manner, making various works. This kind of enchanting and coquettish attitude, trying to shake the Buddha's heart.But the Buddha remained unmoved. The murals are bold in style and bright in color. The war between men and women, monks and laymen is almost ferocious, and I don't know why. Going forward, there is a portrait of Ananda serving the Buddha's Nirvana.Ananda, also known as Ananda, was the dullest of Sakyamuni's disciples. Buddhism taught Ananda, often starting with the trivial things of washing his head and feet, and earnestly admonishing him to wash his face first and then his body. The basin for the feet cannot be used to wash the face, and so on. On that day, when the Buddha was sitting in the room, only Ananda was accompanying him, and he heard the Buddha saying to himself, "For the sake of all living beings, the Buddha will remain in the world for a hundred thousand kalpas or only a thousand kalpas?" Ananda didn't know what to say, so he didn't answer. The Buddha said again: So it will still be in the world for five hundred kalpas? Ananda was still speechless. The Buddha asked again: But is it still in the world for a hundred kalpas or even ten kalpas? Ananda was dumbfounded. The Buddha sighed, and said to Ananda: I will perish in Nirvana now. Ananda was startled and wept, but it was too late. Ananda didn't know that the Buddha knew that his life's achievements were complete and that the period of his death was coming to an end, but he couldn't completely release his love for dust. He was talking to himself, but he was asking all living beings in the world for an answer.If Ananda was wise enough, he immediately knelt down and sincerely begged the Buddha to endure more than a thousand kalpas for the sake of all living beings, and the Buddha might stay in the world for hundreds of thousands of years.However, Ananda was speechless, and the Buddha knew that God obeyed his orders. He took a bath in the river the next day, and calmly passed into Nirvana. This is my favorite part of the Buddha Jataka story, full of helplessness and uncertainty of fate.Even a Buddha has to obey the will of heaven, and the time for his great departure is determined by the words of his disciple Ananda. This is a bit like the death of Bigan in "Feng Shen Bang".Legend has it that Bigan has many hearts, so he is extremely intelligent.The concubine Daji, who was transformed into a fox, slandered King Zhou, causing Bigan to have his heart cut open.Bigan ran out of the city after dissecting his heart, and met the vegetable seller mother-in-law, and asked: Can vegetables live if they have no heart?The mother-in-law said: No cabbage, you can live.Bigan asked again: Can a person live without a heart?The mother-in-law said: If a person has no heart, is he not a dead person?When Bigan heard the words, he fell to the ground and tried his breath again, and he was already dead. According to the theory of the Six Realms of Reincarnation, Daji is reincarnated from the animal realm to the human realm, but she does not forget the memories of her previous life, and is entangled with Bigan's grievances.But Bigan is extremely intelligent and an extremely personable minister, but his fate is determined by a vegetable seller. Isn't it like Sakyamuni and Ananda? Two Japanese tourists came to meet me. Seeing me lingering in the gallery, they proudly introduced to me in broken English: "Aren't these paintings beautiful? They were drawn by us Japanese." I admit that these paintings are beautiful, but I really don't want to see the unique Japanese look, a kind of cheap pride that a little mouse steals oil to eat.So he pretended not to understand English and remained silent. The Japanese deeply regretted that he could not communicate with me, but he still said to himself in front of the mural: "There is a saying in our Japanese Buddhist circles: 'Practice Buddhism and Taoism for nothing else, but spend a leisurely life to forget All things in the world, this is the most important thing.' But when I saw such a beautiful painting, I wanted to remember it forever, not only remembering it with my eyes, but also taking pictures. This is really helpless." I was taken aback for a moment, and couldn't help being in awe, not daring to be contemptuous anymore.However, I had already pretended not to understand English just now, and at this time the front and back were too revealing, so I nodded and smiled friendlyly, turned around and left, went for a walk in the garden alone, fed the deer for a while, and then returned to the garden. to the temple. Da Xin was not under the bodhi tree. I asked the people in the temple and found out that he had left. "How long have you been? Where are you going?" The elder hesitated and said, "Not long ago, I didn't say where to go." This amounts to no answer.Angry and regretful, I hurriedly chased out of the monastery, but where did I see Da Xin again? Where will he go?Should I go to another monastery, or go to Bodhgaya? I called an electric tricycle and ordered him to chase him for a while in the direction of Bodhgaya. After chasing for half an hour, I didn't see Daxin.Daxin is on foot. If you walk on this road, it is impossible to walk so fast.So I ordered the car to turn around again, and started looking for monasteries one by one. I asked people everywhere and found such a monk named Sinha, who came today? There are many temples in Sarnath, including Korean ones, Thai ones, and a "Chinese Buddhist Temple" donated by China. There are not a few wandering monks who come to the holy land to practice, with different skin colors and different nationalities. Each went his own way, but there were only five or six people who came today, one old and one young came together, two were foreign monks, and there was only one young Indian monk, but his surname was not Sinha. With a glimmer of hope, I still asked the abbot to invite that monk for me to meet.Seeing the strange look in the abbot's eyes, I had no choice but to explain: "I brought the letter for his relatives in the lay family. His mother is ill, and I hope to see him." It was so miserable that the old monk couldn't help but not believe it.While waiting, I knelt down before the Buddha and repented: Forgive me, isn’t this a lie?I was indeed entrusted by Xiao Xin to find him, and Xin's mother is indeed not in good health.However, I still want to ask the Buddha to bless Xinma with health and longevity, and everything goes well. Kowtowed in front of the Buddha, the abbot led a bhikkhu to come out. He was thin and tall, and he seemed to have attained enlightenment, but it was not Daxin. I couldn't hide my disappointment, so I had to thank the abbot and leave. A text message came from Xiao Xin, saying that he had arrived in Varanasi and was renting a car to go to Sarnath, and he would arrive at Kuti Temple in about an hour. I became anxious and ran around in a hurry, almost crazy.In ancient times, there was a scholar named Zhang Yu who lived in a Buddhist temple at night and played the piano to express his feelings.After the Dragon King knew about it, he imprisoned his daughter in the Dragon Palace and refused to let her go ashore.In order to seek a wife, Zhang Sheng set up an iron wok by the sea to boil the sea water, forcing the Dragon King to hand over the Dragon Girl.Regardless of this, I searched from monastery to monastery, and identified monks one by one, like Zhang Sheng boiling the sea, vowing to disrupt the Buddhist gate, break the barriers, and force the monk to show up. However, all the places that could be found have been found, and Da Xin disappeared into the world like a drop in the ocean.Unhappily, I got out of the tricycle and walked slowly along the river alone.I can't imagine how disappointed he would be when he saw Xiao Xin and told him that I had lost Da Xin. "Nalan." Once again, I heard that call again, ringing clearly in my ears.Raising his head, he saw Da Xin standing not far away, looking over here. At this distance, unless he shouted hard, I couldn't hear him clearly.But the voice was distinctly soft and kind, as if the spring breeze was blowing by the ears.I couldn't even tell if it was real or a hallucination, I ran towards him, bumping into people and ignoring them.Tears flowed down again, and I accused him: "You don't keep your word! You make it hard for me to find!" "I didn't promise you anything." Da Xin sighed, "You are too persistent." He turned around and walked forward, but his steps were not hurried or slow, as if he didn't intend to get rid of me.I followed behind him step by step, for fear of losing him again, and babbled unwillingly like a betrayed little daughter-in-law: "After the Buddha became enlightened, he also went back to Kapilavatthu to visit his relatives, and saved him. My aunt, wife and children became monks together. You knew that your younger brother was coming, but why did you run away?" "That's why the Buddha saw everything clearly after he enlightened the Tao, and he was able to understand everything in a perfect way. When he left home, he also made a great wish: If he can't enlighten the Tao, he vows not to return home. Shariputra, the first great disciple of the Buddha, also went home to bid farewell to his mother when he decided to go to Nirvana. This is the behavior of the enlightened Sangha after he has truly obtained great wisdom and attained Arhatship, but I think I can’t do it Get rid of confusion and let go of ego, so now is not the time for brothers to meet." I conclude.Being entangled in family affairs with him gave me a self-deceiving intimacy, as if I had entered his life and had an unusual friendship with him.However, he is so magnanimous that I have no way to criticize him. Moreover, how can I be his opponent in the debate based on Buddhist allusions?He had no choice but to play rogue tricks: "I have already promised Xiao Xin that I will not disappoint him. If you don't see him, I will follow you until you brothers meet." I thought he would continue to use allusions and quotes to persuade me, however, he just said, "Okay." Instead, I was stunned: "You promise?" He nodded: "we'll just wait for him here." We walked down the stone steps and sat down by the river.The river flows in a torrent, without stopping, carrying leaves, fallen flowers, dead branches, and years.It is said that this is a tributary of the Ganges, so under the bottomless river bed, there may be buried the bones of countless believers, as well as the souls of those who failed to ascend to heaven in time. As soon as Daxin sat down, he became a rock-solid lotus seat, and it was not a lotus blooming in a pond, but a nasturtium on a temple mural, or a snow lotus blooming alone on a cliff in the Himalayas. When he started chanting, I felt the air around me vibrate.It was as if countless undead climbed up from the bottom of the river, lying on the bank and waiting for him to be saved.The distant mountains and near the country are all shrouded in a holy brilliance, and there is a kind of gentle silence.And when his scriptures stopped, those undead would reluctantly disperse, some ascended to heaven, and some returned to the bottom of the river, waiting for the next destined person to take it ashore. The air by the river became clear again.I looked in awe at Da Xin's profile, that handsome, sculptural profile.That morning when I woke up by the lotus pond, I looked at him in the same way. The morning sun shone golden on his face, as real as it was illusory.At this time, it was cloudy and there were no lotus flowers in the river, but I still felt as if there was a glow shining on his face, which was pure and pure. I was shocked by this strange brilliance, and after a long time, I whispered guiltyly: "What made you change your mind and want to see Xiao Xin?" He turned his head and suddenly gave me a deep look.I was a little ashamed, did he want to say that because he couldn't get rid of my entanglement, he had to submit?But then it seemed as if a needle had been pierced into my heart, and it was like a giant hand brushing aside the curtains to let the sun shine into the airtight room——I saw one thing clearly in Da Xin's eyes: He likes me. He likes me!The way he looked at me was so gentle and focused, as if he was looking at the most precious thing in the world, the only possession he had in this world, it was so gentle that it made people throb, and he was so focused that he seemed to be staring at me ten thousand and ten thousand times. year.He looked at me as if I was the only woman in the world, his sister, lover, and daughter from generation to generation, full of affection and pity. I was so shocked by this discovery that I was so ecstatic that I couldn't help crying, but at the same time I couldn't believe my intuition with trepidation.is it possible?He finally loved me, that's why he ran away in a hurry, and at the same time, he couldn't help calling after seeing me chasing me like crazy.If he didn't take the initiative to stop me just now, I'm afraid I will never see him again, right? But he quickly turned his head away, regained his carefree face, looked at the river and said, "Because I figured it out, it's not enough to just walk along the path that Buddha walked, you have to go through Buddha's path." I have been to Lumbini and Kushnaya, and now I have come to Sarnath, but I have not made any progress. Bodhgaya, two hundred miles away, if I want to go, I can go there now, no matter what It is not difficult to travel by car or on foot. I originally planned to make it my next stop, but now I have changed my mind. These places are just some places if they are only used for worship without understanding. That’s all, it doesn’t really make sense.” I feel disappointed.He controlled his emotions so well, like a heavy rock locked in mist, the stone sank to the bottom of the pool, not allowing prying eyes.I had to follow his meaning and asked cautiously: "You mean, they are all too formal and prosperous, don't you? But in my eyes, this place is already very quiet. I come from Varanasi, where is full of In addition to the noise, crowding, and rubbish everywhere, so much piety will only make the air more polluted, but everyone is alive. There are devout people everywhere by the river beach, and sitting in the crowd is like sitting In the mountains and wilderness, they don’t care about their surroundings. I don’t know if their hearts are quiet, but at least they let me know that if you really want to meditate, you can do it no matter whether you are in a crowd or in the wilderness. You have When you come to Sarnath, there are Buddhist temples from all over the world, each of which will open its doors to you, and you can place orders as you please. This place is as quiet and simple as a paradise. If you want to sit quietly and meditate, what place is more suitable than this place?" "You're right, if you can really achieve stillness, there will be no difference here or there." He paused and said calmly, "But I'm not sure enough." My heart pounded.He admits his heart is moving, for me?Or for Xiao Xin? unimportant.At least I know, he is still a real person with flesh and bones, and he still has feelings and heartbeats, that's good. I seemed to see another glimmer of hope, and was about to persuade him further, but I heard him continue: "I'm not sure, so I decided to face it, stay here and wait for my brother to come, and say goodbye in person." "bid farewell?" "Yes, I've made it clear that what I should go to is not Bodh Gaya or any holy place, because all the holy places and all the Buddhist temples are completed after the prosperity of the teachings. They are all appearances of Buddha, not the real one. Buddha’s decree. It’s like the bodhi tree I just meditated in Kuti Temple. It is said that it was cut and transplanted from the big Bodhi tree in Bodhgaya Buddha’s enlightenment, but so what? After all, it is not Buddha’s enlightenment That tree, even if it is, does not mean that you can get relief by sitting there. It is just a tree, a symbol, and a tangible thing outside the body. The real cultivation is to stay away from these formal ties, I only use my heart to sense the world and seek the right result. Therefore, I decided not to run away anymore, but to face everything I should face and make a final decision.” I seem to understand a little bit. The Buddha's verse said: "Bodhi has no tree, and the mirror is not a stand. There is nothing in the first place. Where can the dust be gathered?" All tangible things are illusions, so he wants to stay away from these distorted things. According to the formal Buddhist temples and teachings, avoid the mountains and forests, and practice hard from scratch.This is the "entrance" in the Zen sense. Before entering the customs, you must explain everything and let go of all your worries, including the relationship with Xiao Xin.If he escapes, this in itself cannot be "let go", so he finally promised me to see Xiao Xin again.Is this a kindness to me, or an explanation to Xiao Xin? I don't know whether to be happy that he finally agreed to see Xiao Xin, or sad because he decided to enter the mountain.And the fleeting love in his eyes just now, did I really see the gaze of love there?Or, just wishful thinking on my part?Just now, I felt that I was getting closer to him and understood him a little more, but his words of "entering the mountain to meditate" pushed me to the end of the world and drew a rift between us.Me and him, impossible, forever impossible! I desperately tried the last struggle: "But didn't the Buddha already prove by his own experience that hard work is not the real way to seek liberation? Didn't the Buddha not advocate hard work?" "I didn't deliberately suffer myself, I just did it for meditation. The Buddha didn't advocate penance, but at the beginning, all the monks lived in the mountains and forests, living by trees. Where were there any temples and incense? I couldn't leave behind the crowd. If we are independent in the world, we can only find a real pure land outside the world and concentrate on meditation, just like what the Buddha did under the bodhi tree. Only in this way can we understand something." There is an ambiguous atmosphere wandering between the two of us, sometimes thin and sometimes rich.I felt the shock of the air again, and felt like an undead sleeping at the bottom of the river, desperately drowning in the deeper and stronger love for him, and also drowning in the sadness of the imminent farewell.He is not only a Samana, but also an ascetic who is about to go to the mountain to meditate. What else can I do except watch him go further and further away, isolated from the world? The phone made a beep, and I looked at the number and said, "Xiao Xin is here." I looked at Da Xin, he was sitting upright like a lotus flower, but I could feel the storm in his heart.He is also nervous about reuniting with his brother whom he has not seen for many years, right?