Chapter 5 Chapter5 Ruan Yuan

Qiao Mu's tape was left in my hands for a while.As soon as I got home that night, I threw it in the booth, and then, while I was busy, I forgot it again. Actually, this is an excuse, I don't know why I say that. The tape recorder has always been placed in the most conspicuous place on the desk, from when I opened my eyes in the morning to when I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I didn't miss it for a moment.But just too lazy to press PLAY down.In addition, I also did something that I couldn't understand - one morning, when I was cleaning the room, I suddenly thought that I might accidentally press PLAY during cleaning, so I got under the table and unplugged it up.

A week later, Pan Yue called. I thought she was talking to me in City A. "No, no, I plan to stay for a few more days. I haven't visited many places yet! I passed by the new City History Wax Museum on Salt Lake Road two days ago. It looks very impressive. I heard that it will open soon. Are you free? Shall I go and see?..." "Let's talk about it later." I replied lightly, thinking to myself, she has adapted so quickly, and she even speaks more and more like a native of the province. Is she planning to hang on like this? "Didn't you misunderstand me and Qiao Mu?"

"That's a matter between you, I have no right to ask." "Are you fighting?" "No." "I just like to drink his wine, and he only likes to be with you, so don't get it wrong." "Am I that narrow-minded person?" Pan Yue laughed happily, her voice was so pleasant.I still lied to her, my mind is clearly smaller than a pinhole. I didn't intend to continue chatting with her, so I hastily agreed that before leaving, I would leave Qiao Mu and work alone and go out with her alone.Pan Yue's phone call made what was supposed to be a fulfilling afternoon suddenly boring.I thought about it and didn't remember what I planned to do. A pair of eyeballs rolled back and forth aimlessly, and then fell back to the old tape recorder.

I plugged in the power again, and decided to calm down and listen to the story of the journey home. Anyway, idle is idle. PLAY finally sank with a "creak", the tape rotated at a constant speed, and after a short period of chaotic noise passed, the magnetic voice on the way home came out clearly... Yes, it was his voice, I don't know if it was in a dream Or at some other time, I have heard such a voice.At this moment, it is like a cloud of soft morning mist, lingering in the narrow air of my eardrums, twisting and spiraling upward... "Qiao Mu? Your name is Qiao Mu? Well, it's an easy-to-pronounce and easy-to-remember name. Unlike me, it's called Homecoming. It seems like I've been on the way home all my life, but I can't get there..."

"Oh! This wine is strong! Look at my face, isn't it burning? I'm probably drunk... drunk... Qiao Mu, let's talk about something, what are we talking about? woman. " "That's right, two men are together, what are they talking about if they don't talk about women?" "I'm not afraid of your jokes. I happen to be the luckiest and unluckiest man in the world." "How to say?" "Because I have two women. In fact, it's not unusual to tell them." "That's not necessarily true. I've never encountered such a good thing."

"How about we switch?" "I'm afraid I don't have that ability, so listening to what you say is enough." "Which one to talk about first?" "Of course it's the one outside. The ones at home are similar. Otherwise, why do men like to cheat?" "That's true. However, my wife is different from other women. As for why it is different... To be honest, I don't understand it either, so I have to tell you about the other one. "Before I start, I still have to say something about my wife, as you know, there is always a reason for any affair.

"My wife and I are college classmates. When we were in love, everyone thought we were the most suitable couple, and we talked for seven or eight years without knowing it. Later, when we got old, marriage became a matter of course. Back then, We are also self-made. I worked very hard and wanted to make a big career in my 30s. Unexpectedly, my wife is better than me. In just two or three years, I have achieved both fame and fortune. The rapid accumulation of experience and wealth has made me She soon established her own business. No matter how hard I tried, I was just a senior executive who was paid a salary in a foreign company. I looked decent in suits and shoes every day, but in reality I was just a wage earner.

"As the head of the family, this situation is very embarrassing. You can imagine the pressure I endured. So at the beginning, I was also psychologically unbalanced. However, although my wife has been focusing on her career after marriage, she I still take good care of the family, so that I have no worries. This shows how capable and family-loving my wife is. As a husband, I am really lucky. I don’t have to work hard to support the family, nor do I have to support my wife’s Career and succumb to being a 'housewife'. Our life has become more and more comfortable and comfortable. In those years, I have been promoted. Although my social status is not as good as my wife, there is no relationship between each other. Problem. The affluent economic conditions kept our relationship in a stable state. Gradually, I stopped worrying so much and completely let go of myself to enjoy this kind of life.

"However, sometimes people are so cheap. They are living a good life, but they insist on causing trouble. What good is it for themselves in the end? Hey, I started to reflect on myself, really funny. "You see, there's nothing wrong with living with a woman like my wife. She's just the perfect kind of woman that every man dreams of. We never fight, and we never fight, I think. I'm afraid there are very few happy couples like us in the world. "Looking back now, people are too perfect and marriages are too perfect. This is itself a defect? ​​What do you think?"

"I don't know, I don't have that kind of experience." "I really think there is such a possibility, or why do I always feel that there is an empty place in my heart, just waiting for someone to tempt me and fill it?" "So you think about it, and the temptation appears." "You said her? No, no, no, it was purely accidental. She has never seduced me, and she doesn't have that ability. You don't have to think of her so special. In my eyes, there is no one better than me. Mrs. Better Woman. "Like all passers-by in this city, she inadvertently appeared in a mobile phone store in the city center with the most ordinary and ordinary gesture."

"It was a noisy, early summer afternoon, the sun was bright, just like her shiny long hair, exuding an unusually youthful atmosphere. "I imagined her as a pure little pigeon, jumping happily on the crowded street. At about 2:30, when I was waiting for the green light to turn on the crosswalk in front of the mobile phone store, she was still lightly staying on top of me. Perhaps, at that moment, she was already obsessed with the fragrance of the Zhuli water I left in her hair, just like I was madly obsessed with her black hair later. "Three o'clock." "Yes, exactly three o'clock. "She and I were standing on the same counter in the mobile phone store at the same time. "It was my wife's birthday that day, and I decided to buy her the latest style of mobile phone with a colorful shell as a birthday present. Although I know she doesn't care about such a small gift, at least it expresses my heart. "She is very young, in her late teens, wearing a plain T-shirt and jeans, in order not to block the sight of the hair on both sides, she neatly took out the hair tie and tied them into a ponytail, which was raised high on the top of her head. I found that her neck was very long and beautiful, and the tiny beads of sweat were rushing out of it, which was really cute. "You want to say that I observe really carefully, right? At that time, I looked around guiltily, and immediately saw a lot of men like me. You should understand what I mean, that is, the kind of man who hides his lust under his appearance. The guy who pretends to see it casually, but in fact has already imagined it. They are everywhere, have you ever felt this way? Don't deny it, man, that's all there is to it. "It's just that I am surprised that I will be one of them. "That's right, I observed very carefully. On the one hand, because she is really close to me, standing next to me, on the other hand... how should I put it, I think, there is something about her that really attracts me. "Actually, she was an ordinary girl who looked childish, neither amazingly beautiful nor mature. However, she was very lively, natural, and playful, without the perverseness and sense of superiority of women nowadays. There is a very ordinary but irresistible aura exuding from top to bottom. Like a gardenia, small in size but powerful in fragrance, it captivates me almost immediately. "Don't get me wrong, she didn't show any ambiguous hints to me, and she didn't even see me at all. "Her eyes were fixed on the orange-red original mobile phone color case in the window until the case was taken out and handed over to me together with the mobile phone. She glanced at me shyly, Then I glanced at my hand again. I found that she was wearing the same style around her neck, and I thought, it really came to match the color shell. She patiently waited for me to finish paying the bill and issuing the invoice. Actually, I It can be seen that she was very anxious, and she couldn't resist snatching it from me immediately. You may think that a man like me is so naive, but I have never seen a girl suppress herself so desperately in front of me , but also try to pretend to be calm and calm. That expression is so innocent and funny, it makes me nervous. I don't know how she does it, but she just makes me excited, just want to Hold her in your arms and kiss her. "Just when I had no reason to stop in front of the counter, the opportunity finally presented itself. "I heard the waiter tell her that I had already bought the only orange shell. At this time, she and I turned our heads to look at each other in surprise almost at the same time. Her patience and calm were broken by regret. She was anxious, regretful, and helpless, which made me feel like I had committed a crime. But I turned around immediately. "She asked the waiter when they would restock, and the waiter told her that the case of this color was the best seller for this phone, and the others were out of stock long ago, and they only had the last one left. I can Imagine how uncomfortable she felt, and even hated me a little bit. Wouldn't it be a pity if such a good encounter was ruined by such a small mobile phone case? When I explained to the waiter how and how she saved the money, and how she went to all the chain stores to find this one, I suddenly sent the shell to her. " 'Take it if you like it so much,' I said to her, laughing, my fingers still shaking, and I felt like an idiot. "Her eyes widened in surprise at first, and then her sad brows loosened. My words turned her face into a garden in late spring in an instant, with gardenias blooming one after another, and the fragrance was crazy The butterflies rushed into my nostrils, and the butterflies began to circle around in front of my eyes, making my head dizzy. "She was very happy. She thanked her and took out the money quickly. To be honest, I really didn't want to take her money, but I couldn't help it. I finally got a chance to strike up a conversation with her. I didn't want her to misunderstand that I was the kind of person with bad intentions. Disgusting man. Although, I did have a little bad intentions, pretending to count her money seriously, while secretly thinking about how to get her mobile phone number. Unfortunately, before I could speak, she ran away from the crowd. "In this way, a small part of my wife's birthday gift remained in her hands. Perhaps this indicates that there is a destined romance between me and her. "A month later, I met her again unexpectedly. But before that, my life had already changed incredible because of her. "Ever since I saw this little girl in the mobile phone store, apart from work, I just reminisce about her shadow every day. "Her innocent expression, her straight hair let the rubber band loose and casual, and her graceful neck, petite shoulders, etc., etc., constantly circling in my mind, waving and waving No... I never imagined that once those ordinary things gather together, they will become a kind of extremely lethal toxin, which will bite my rational brain cells one by one, leaving me without willpower. Sinking... The longer the days, the stronger the desire to occupy. You would never have imagined that a man like me would hide alone in the public toilet of the unit, in order to release his feelings for a young girl. Masturbating constantly because of the fantasies that arise. I think this behavior has taken root in my mind from the moment I saw her, and now it is just put into action. "Every time I finish doing it, I regret it and feel quite ashamed. So I compared my wife with her to warn myself that it was just a spur of the moment, so don't make myself so crazy. "However, what should come will still come. If there is no second coincidence, the opportunity that led me to decide to chase her, I think, everything that happened later would never have happened. "Fate is really strange sometimes. The reason why I met her was because I helped my wife buy a mobile phone, and the reason why she met me again was because she wanted to interview my wife. "It was already midsummer at that time, and she came to the company to find me wearing a student-like plain blue shirt. Of course, she didn't expect that it was me at all, so the meeting in the reception room was very dramatic. The two recognized each other at the same time, and they were surprised at the same time. Compared with her, I was probably more excited. It turned out that she was a second-year journalism college student who used her summer vacation as a part-time reporter for a large business weekly magazine to assist them To be an exclusive interview column for female entrepreneurs, because I have been unable to interview my wife, I found me, hoping that I can help as a lobbyist. My wife is a low-key person, but she has a very high personality. She always thinks that although a designer is half an artist, she is not a movie star after all. In addition, she is also a boss, so she will never show her face to unnecessary media. As soon as I saw the business card, I thought of the fat face of her boss. He had approached me more than once, but I didn't take it seriously, because I knew my wife would never agree, so there was no need to waste this time. .And their stickiness over and over again is really a headache.It can be seen that she was deliberately thrown to me by that fat man to solve the problem, which made me dumbfounded for a while. I frankly told her the actual situation, and she said that she knew that she would be rejected, so I asked curiously, why did she come here now that she knew the result?She replied, because I heard that your wife is one of the few beautiful designers in the industry, and usually talented women are not beautiful, so I doubt she is ugly at all.Unless you have the ability to let me see it with my own eyes and be convinced. Her tone of voice is very frivolous, so far, no one has used aggressive methods against me. She is a smart girl, and my feeling for her has directly risen from the previous liking to appreciation, which has further strengthened my desire to conquer her with all my strength. Then she started to hint that I sound Fatty appreciates her very much, but whether she can be hired immediately after graduation depends entirely on whether this task can be successfully completed. Just like the day I bought the mobile phone, her wayward attitude that if I don't change my attitude, I will commit a heinous crime made me angry and funny, so I also decided to test her courage. 'How about we make an exchange? 'I ask her. 'That depends on what kind of conditions. ' She replied neither humble nor humble. 'The condition is simple. 'I smiled at her,' I will do my best to help you deal with my wife, but you have to drink coffee with me and give me advice. ' 'You don't have ulterior motives for me, do you? ' She pointed at me with one sentence, and there was neither disgust nor encouragement in her tone. I was on the verge of riding a tiger, and I didn't know whether I should continue or just stop here to avoid embarrassing myself. In the end, I decided to take a gamble, and directly sent my affection into her eyes, and asked without leaving any room: 'If I admit it, will you agree? ' At that moment, I was ready to get a slap in the face, anyway, there was no one else in the reception room, and I just showed myself when I was embarrassing. However, she didn't refuse, and she didn't make any superfluous movements. She just tried hard and deeply to see me clearly, as if in this way she could tell how much truth was revealed in my question just now. So, I know she likes me.At least, not annoying. This boosted my confidence and made everything look more promising.I thought, if there is a miracle, it has already happened.Then, nothing is impossible. " "That's how she and I used the interview as an excuse to start a dating game between a married man and a young girl. Of course, this is just a statement, and in terms of the situation at the time, neither she nor I regarded it as a game. At the beginning, it was difficult for me to figure out what she was thinking in her heart, and what kind of mentality she had when interacting with me.Because there are not many topics between us.She and I are ten years apart, and we live in different environments.She looked so small, so young, like a piece of strawberry cake that I couldn't get my hands on, whether to pick the strawberries or eat the cake first. "She was so calm, she still put on a nonchalant attitude, and followed me around countless high-end restaurants and bars. I had to let her experience my sincerity firsthand, and try to tell her that the extravagant atmosphere and expensive bills were my personal taste and money, not my wife's. "I admit that I am deliberately showing off, because only in this way can she understand that although my wife's brilliance far outshines me in terms of career. But I also have my strength. If she really wants me in her heart If so, I can completely satisfy her. "However, as I expected, she is not a vulgar fan after all. Every time she goes on a date, she keeps a distance from me as much as possible, and the topic of discussion always revolves around my wife, from personality, preferences, talents, Until the hardships of starting a business. After several dates, the feelings between each other are not only unclear, but also more and more blurred. However, the information she has accumulated is enough to write a wonderful report. It can be seen that I am too stupid to get on She deserves it. "I wasn't angry, but I was frustrated and almost gave up. At this moment, she suddenly asked a question about our relationship as a couple. "I thought it was beyond the scope of the interview, but she replied with a smile that it had nothing to do with the report, it was purely a personal matter. I was pleasantly surprised to find that there were two additional blushes on her cheekbones, and her sluggish heart immediately returned to frenzy. That was the deepest and longest night of our conversation. Although the topic was still my wife, what I finally expressed was myself. I slowly told her about the long, smooth but dull love story between me and my wife, just like sitting alone in a movie theater, watching an old black and white movie written, directed and acted by myself.As a result, I found that after more than 30 years of emotional journey, from beginning to end, there was only one woman and one kind of love.But the unparalleled perfection this woman gave me made me lose the passion and nature that a normal man should have.It takes care of a man who should have experienced many battles, sharp edges and corners, and great sexual charm into a young child who has no spiritual support and hovers on the edge of melancholy and anxiety all day long. For the first time, I discovered that I was quite mentally handicapped emotionally.Don't know how to deal with an ordinary girl who is not my wife.If my material life has been improving over the years, then my spiritual world has reached the brink of collapse.If she hadn't appeared, I would continue to go backwards, maybe one day, I would become a freak who couldn't even see the shadow. As I spoke, my mood became very low.It was already dark, and the street lights outside the window were on. We had already missed dinner time, but no one felt that there was any loss. I started to smoke in silence while she poured down cup after cup of plain water.Both of them were controlled by some unknown sadness, and they gradually realized other emotions besides confession and reserve. Then, suddenly, she took my hand, and I looked up into her eyes.I could see that she didn't quite understand everything I said.But, she was the only one who could comfort me.Until now, I can't express how touched I was at that time, and I don't think I will ever forget this night. On the way back, I finally couldn't help but kissed her. She didn't refuse, but she said something crueler than rejection. She said, now, can I see your wife? My head was stunned. It turned out that this was all an illusion, and I was just a bargaining chip for her to achieve her goal by any means!I am devastated and wish anger could destroy all my love for her.However, I found that her expression was more melancholy than mine. So, I know I was wrong. She is so innocent, I shouldn't force her to accept the temptation of a married man, let alone tease her further when she is about to lose her mind.If I really like her, I should let her go instead of using her purity to satisfy my own desires. So, within two days, I convinced my wife to meet with her.But my wife still insisted on only taking photos and not interviewing. She said that it was okay, and one photo was enough for her to go to work. However, the matter did not come to an end because of this. Just as I began to adjust my state and try to return to a calm track, there was a small accident between us. The last time we met, it had been a long time since she met my wife. I didn't know where she was and what she was busy with during that time. It wasn't until she took the initiative to invite me that I had to face the fact that everything was about to end.On that day, she went against the usual simple and unrestrained style, wearing a sexy dress completely out of her age, not only put on makeup, but also wore a set of cheap sterling silver jewelry, which made me very confused. I asked her why she had to dress so formally, and she said she was twenty-one years old, why couldn't she dress like this?I suddenly realized that she might have become inferior due to some kind of stimulation, for example, my too perfect wife. I know the oppression of perfection, especially for a girl as ordinary as her.But why does she care so much about my wife?Is it because of jealousy?No, she just needs to keep her ordinary, if she becomes like my wife, how can I still love her?So, I was annoyed, annoyed at her ignorance and childishness, how could she casually destroy what I was trying to protect with all my might? 'what is this? 'I asked her bluntly,' haven't you been using me?Now why do you want to imitate her to please me? ' She immediately blushed and couldn't say a word for a long time.Finally, he couldn't bear it anymore and yelled at me: "Of course I'm not as good as her, why don't you stay at home and guard your fairy, and come here to provoke me, a yellow-haired girl who doesn't know the heights of heaven and earth?" ' After finishing speaking, he ran out crying.I immediately chased her out, but she ran too fast, and I was still one step too late.A motorcycle knocked her to the ground, scaring me out of my head on the spot.Fortunately, the car was slowing down because of the red light, and her body was not seriously injured, but the back of her head accidentally hit the steps on the sidewalk and passed out. The doctor said that she was lucky that her brain was not seriously injured, and she would be fine after a few days of recuperation.But I'm still very guilty, I only blame myself for speaking too seriously, otherwise things wouldn't be what they are now. During the time when I was in a coma, I watched her closely, self-blame, regret, heartache, anxiety, all kinds of unspeakable emotions tormented my internal organs and six lungs, and at the same time, I recognized a fact—— —I want her, I want her.So, I endured every minute and every second, hoping that the first thing she heard after she regained consciousness was my confession.Regardless of whether she has me in her heart or not, I have to tell her that I love her, really love her. Then she woke up. I gently called her name, unexpectedly, her lips trembled and said clearly: I think, I may be in love with you. You see, God still takes care of me, doesn't he?At this moment, apart from hugging her well, any confession is already superfluous. Three days later, I took her, who was discharged in good health, to a villa resort in the suburbs, where we spent our first night. That night was very tender, I carefully unfolded her body and guided her desire, like gently licking the delicate strawberry on the cake with my tongue.She was so sensitive, so reserved, so understanding, and it made me realize that it wasn't her first time.She confessed that she once had a boyfriend when she was a freshman, but they broke up within three months.I was a little jealous, for fear that she would think I was too old in the future.Instead, she made fun of me, saying that it was true that I didn't want her when I was tired of playing. Even though I knew she was joking, it still made me feel very uncomfortable. I asked her if she would like to be with me forever? She said it depends on how likely I am to get divorced. Without even thinking about it, I immediately made a heavy oath to her: If I don't divorce her, I will die a terrible death! At that moment, I was very serious and determined, and I didn't take my wife seriously.According to my strength, getting rid of her is only a matter of time, so there is no need to worry. For four whole days, she and I were like two wandering souls forgotten by the city on an isolated island, enjoying the isolated love tirelessly.We melted into each other's bodies all night long, from her bed to mine, from the steaming bathtub to the kitchen filled with rice fragrance, from the sofa with the setting sun in the west to the balcony with the rising sun in the east... forget everything In the end, we don't even feel hunger and sleepiness, but only know that we are loving, giving, and taking. I don't understand how such a fragile, even stunted petite body can condense such a huge and rich energy.I became more and more addicted to it each time, and it also filled those desire gaps that I had hoarded for many years one by one. At that moment, I finally understood that she was not the 21-year-old female college student I thought, but the plump red apple in the Garden of Eden.And I am the Adam who picked it without authorization because he couldn't stand the temptation. Besides being her captive, you say, what else can I do? ..." ... When the tape came to the end, the STOP button popped up automatically with a "snap". The creaking noise of the ceiling fan came back clearly and immediately to the heavy silence of the room. The story is not over, but my forehead is already too hot. I adjusted my breathing, stretched out my hand to eject the tape, turned it over and continued to listen. At this time, the frequency of the ceiling fan's rotation suddenly increased, and the creaking noise seemed to come from somewhere else... getting closer and louder... It's tape! !The sound of the tape spinning! ! The keys on the tape recorder didn't move at all. The tape that had come to an end actually started spinning by itself! ! ! I looked up suddenly, and the ceiling fan had stopped. I ran to the corner and turned on the switch desperately, but the leaf blade remained motionless. power failure!There must be a power outage! However, the creaking sound in the tape recorder is still changing, biting, and screaming, as if something inside is twisting and trying to crawl out, the surrounding air is roasted by the lingering heat, and fear seeps into the depths of the corner of the room Spreading... I wanted to scream, but someone grabbed my throat and forced me to concentrate and carefully distinguish the horrible sound slowly coming out from the still tape recorder. After a minute, the noise gradually died down. After another minute, the tape resumed its normal walking speed. In the last thirty seconds, a woman—replacing the way home—began to speak: "I asked him, do you love me? He said, how could he come here with you if he didn't love you? " I rushed over and pressed the STOP button with my fingers in turn! "Ruan Yuan or me, which one do you love more?" The keys broke one by one and flew towards the wall. My fist couldn't help but hit the broken key base, and the blood burst from the joints, but the voice in the tape was still talking, still talking! "Then do you still need to ask? Of course it's Ruan Xian, it's Ruan Xian, it's Ruan Xian, it's Ruan Xian, it's Ruan Xian, it's Ruan Xian, it's Ruan Xian, it's Ruan Xian." I tore off the plug, swung the tape recorder over my head, and a deafening roar came out of my mouth! "Tell me, how can you compare with her? How can you compare with her?" The machine hit the floor with a bang. The tape jumped out of the deck in an instant, and rolled under the desk in a staggered manner. ... The ceiling fan turned again without knowing it. Crunch, crunch. ... There was nothing in the air but a dead silence. Qiao Mu broke in, alarming the neighbors. Some people gathered at the door, peeking inside curiously. "An Ling! Where are you, An Ling?" I curled up in the gap between the desk and the bed, my hands and feet were cold, and I stared tremblingly at the tape recorder I smashed. "What the hell happened?" Qiao Mu rushed over, grabbed my arm and shook it, and found that I was still sluggish, so he panicked. "An Ling! Look at me! Do you know who I am?" "She is coming……" My voice is so dry and hoarse that I don't even recognize myself. "Who? Who's here?" "Ruan Yuan, Ruan Yuan has been here..." Qiao Mu touched my forehead. "You have a fever, and the fever is still not mild." He pulled me up by the waist and picked me up off the ground. "Don't touch me! I don't have a fever! No! Let me go! Let me go!" I punched and kicked and struggled desperately, as if it wasn't Qiao Mu who was hugging me, but Ruan Xian. She won't let me go, how could she let me go?She wants me to go to hell with her, to hell! ! Qiao Mu pressed me hard on the bed, but I felt my body sinking, sinking into the dirty cracks in the floor, falling into the hard gravel pile of cement, falling into an even more boundless abyss... No, I can't just follow She goes, no, absolutely not!I shook my head and screamed like a lunatic escaped from a mental institution.Qiao Mu gradually lost his strength, he kept calling my name and talking to me.However, his voice was so far away that I couldn't hear it at all.We just kept fighting, yelling, and stalemate. It didn't take long before I lost my stamina, and Qiao Mu took the opportunity to slap my hot temple.I suddenly felt black in front of my eyes and completely lost consciousness. ... Hot, unreasonably hot. Ruan Xian whispered in my ear, intimately and softly, like a cute little mosquito, happily kissing my earlobe, even if it occasionally pierced and sucked a few drops of blood, it seemed to be teasing me. It's really hot, the shade that covers my forehead from time to time doesn't help at all, the heat waves are still rolling in my body wave after wave.Sweat condenses into crystal clear ants. I don’t know where they came from. At first, one or two ants split into three or five groups in a blink of an eye, and soon spread into thousands of ants, taking turns carrying the heat that needs to evaporate for me. .My bones are almost cooked, what is burning me?what is it It's hot, it's hot! Don't burn it, please, don't burn it again... Has an ant team gone astray? ! Not ants, ants are not red, but mosquitoes, a group of bright red mosquitoes.They flapped their wings neatly, buzzing, buzzing, and flew straight to my lower abdomen. They coincidentally came to my womb, which was as stuffy as a steamer, and they also coincidentally rested on the inner wall of the uterine body in the same posture, and gently drilled holes in the dense wrinkled wall. I felt extremely itchy in my abdomen, and there were bursts of convulsions like uterine contractions, accompanied by painless pleasure rushing towards the opening of the vagina. Liquid is squeezed out of countless small holes in the inner wall. I thought it was blood, enough to burst the belly of a little mosquito, the blood of my vitality. It turned out not to be. It was some tiny, crystal clear liquid exuding the fragrance of roses.Because it is too viscous, the mosquitoes are washed away and scattered.Fluid quickly fills the entire uterus. I saw the poor little mosquitoes dying in the sudden tide and being wiped out in seconds.The tide was getting thicker and thicker, rising higher and higher, and the cervix could no longer bear its beating, and it was defeated.The gate instantly fell apart... I seem to be sitting up in bed. And, he saw a sleeping man lying beside him. I started undressing, throwing everything from pajamas to panties on the floor.At this time, I found that the bottom of the buttocks was wet. I thought it was menstruation, and I touched it, but there was no color. Then, I began to take off the man's clothes, and threw them all on the ground just like before. The man snorted confusedly. He looked tired and less easily woken up. At this time, a light shone in the dark night, clearly exposing his soft and abrupt organs. I crawled on top of him, unable to stop myself from pinching it, provoking it, playing with it. "What do you want to do?" He woke up with a start and grabbed my wrist in terror, trying to stop me. I glared at him angrily, and desperately wrapped the already hard meat in my mouth, he immediately freed his hand to push my head, and when I pressed my teeth a little, he cried out in pain. I was a little proud and wanted to continue teasing, but my body couldn't wait to feel uncomfortable.I sat on it immediately, and the hard object quickly slid into my body due to the rush of the water. 我开始疯狂地扭动，像一只巨大的活塞，没有节律没有规则地扭动，如同一具丑恶淫邪，毫无感情的人肉机器。浑身上下只有零部件单调的冲撞声，而没有丝毫人的高亢与激越。 身下的男人，从惊恐地抗拒，到困惑地抵挡，最终，还是逃脱不了身体的愉悦而不得不臣服下来。 “别……别这样……别这样……” "why?" 我把引诱的耳语吹到他耳畔， “这样不是很爽快，很舒服么？” 我继续扭，而且越来越癫狂，越来越放肆。 “你滚！滚开！” 他不行了，看上去好像快死了。 这时，我突然感觉到正对床铺的窗户外面，有人在看我。 我蓦地抬头，放眼望去。 窗户的玻璃上映着潘月的笑脸。 不，不是潘月，是阮芫。 她正骄傲地、满意地、欣赏地看着我，看着我…… "what!--" 男人沉闷地叫了一声，虚脱地抱住下体。 就在这时，阮芫不见了。 我被乔牧推倒，一脚踩在录音机残破的外壳上，脚底被尖锐的金属刺穿，疼痛立刻把我击醒。 我被赤身裸体、汗流浃背的自己震呆了，床上，一丝不挂频频颤动的乔牧更是把我吓得魂飞魄散！ “我、我们……在做什么？” 乔牧抓起地上的衣服盖住下身，精液渗入布料摊开一块印记。 我崩溃地跑进浴室，打开水龙头，拼命地冲洗自己的身体，可是，冰凉的水却怎么也洗不去我内心的罪恶感。 我跌倒在浴缸的角落，无法抑制绝望的痛哭。 乔牧跟着冲进来，试图把水关掉，我不肯，和他轮番抢龙头。 “你别管我！” “安凌！冷静点！” 他拔断了软管，跳进浴缸，用毛巾将我裹成一团。 拥抱终于使我安静下来。 “过去了，都过去了。 刚才什么都没发生，那是你的幻觉……” Is it?那真是幻觉么？ “是她，真的是她，我看得很清楚，她就站在窗外，望着我，望着我们……” 我无助极了，只好把头埋进乔牧渐渐恢复温暖的胸膛里，从来没有一刻，像现在这样让我渴望依靠着谁。 乔牧不再说话，似乎也无话可说。 “对不起，我……” 他立即用手指捂住我的嘴。 “不许说话。” “刚才什么事都没有？” “我说没有，就没有！” “把它带走。” "what?" “磁带。把那盘该死磁带带走，别问为什么，我不想听，就是不想听。” 乔牧重重地点头，使出全身的力气，把我整个包围。 身体终于暖和起来，额头上的烧也逐渐被冷水冲退。 但是，我的胸口，却依然弥漫着死亡的气息，无论如何，也挥散不去了。 磁带又回到了乔牧手里，他决计不再提任何有关归途或阮芫的事情，以免我的情绪再度失控，可是，日子并没有因此好转起来。 城市突然失去了颜色。 我如同一株风干的爬墙虎，日以继夜地攀趴在集满夏热的窗棂上，我怀疑自己并不能清楚地分辨昼夜我又回到了最初的状态，闭上眼睛，开始冥想，白天缩在窗边，晚上窝在沙发上，尽量避免靠近床和书桌，总觉得阮芫还躲在这屋子的什么地方，静静等待着时机。这种想法让我抗拒所有可能接触到她的东西，包括睡眠。 我到底在想些什么呢？ 思索在许多时候是徒劳的，分不出因果找不到症结，我仍然在寻找自己的模样。然而，即便时刻醒着，也难以找到属于我的那张脸。这徒劳让我闻到更浓重的死亡的味道，这更明确地预示了我这次是真的被记忆围困在六年前的那座城市里了。 “别想，不要去想……” 乔牧在我耳边叨叨，试图把我骗去酒吧，将我彻底灌醉，这样至少可以让我好好地睡上一觉。 可是，我不要。 那个夜晚发生的一切至今仍历历在目，我不知道这恐惧是来自阮芫，还是来自我那卷我无法面对的录音带？ 就在前几天，小余对我说：“不爽就回家休息，每天瞪着两黑眼圈，你不难受我难受。” 隔日，责任编辑就警告我：“你要么好好干，要么索性辞职别干。我知道，我毁了，被杀了，再也找不到自己了。 乔牧又一次破门而入，一言不发，直接躺到床上去。 “你这是干什么？” 我有气无力地问他。 “要死，大家一起死！” 他双目紧闭，当真摆出尸体的姿态。 我哭得一塌糊涂，他不理我，继续等死。 “人活着本来就没什么意思。”他又强调起这句话，“你想干嘛就干嘛，我不怕的。” 就这样，在我不得不提出休假的这段日子里，乔牧把酒吧交给了MAY，寸步不离地守着我。我才恍然意识到，倘若我真的举刀割腕，他非但不会阻拦我，还会跟着我一起割！ 是啊，这样活着真没意思，可死亡的意义又在哪里呢？ 乔牧常常独自昏睡在大床上，爽快地翻过来滚过去，在历经数夜侦察后，我的心情也平静多了。但是，仍旧不敢睡到他的边上去。 我怕阮芫的面孔又会出现在玻璃窗上，怕自己对乔牧做出什么怪诞的行为来。乔牧不分昼夜地安慰我、照顾我，却再也没有询问任何有关过去的事情，仿佛直到现在才醒悟到自己早该把一切疑问丢得干干净净，与我好好讨论讨论另外一些无关痛痒的人生大事。 可是，我自己心里清楚，他的努力是无法根除我的心病的。潘月、归途、录音带、阮芫……在命运重重叠叠的精密安排之下，我怎么可能还站在逃避的边缘线上走钢丝？ 事到如今，六年前的遭遇已经原原本本、完完整整地浮现在我的眼前了，而且那么清晰，那么真切。 原来，潘月所追寻的终极真相始终都掌握在我的手里——我一直都和他们在一起，从来就没有分开过。 而此时此刻，眼前的一切，才是最不真实的。 离开A城的我，一开始就入梦了：从此岸到彼岸，从这一回到那一回，从死女人到活女人，从旧情人到新伴侣……除去我自己，什么都看见了。 我可以在乔牧的怀里安睡，依靠他、仰赖他，可是，却没法再从一目了然的过去中遁逃。乔牧并不知道，他期待的愿望已经实现，我必须在永远承受与永远抛弃中作出抉择，可惜现在，他也精疲力竭，失去了追根究底的勇气。 "You go back first." 我终于对他提出要求。 “你确定已经好了？没事了？” “我是不会好的，你这么赖着又有什么意思呢？” “那我不走。” 我很了解他的个性，固执起来雷打不动的。 “我的意思是，你先回酒吧等着，等我一个人想清楚了，自然就会来找你。” 乔牧仍然稀里糊涂地望着我。 我走上前，双手环绕他的腰，把身体贴上去。 “乔牧，给我一点时间，把思路理一理，你要做的，只是回去把SO LONG准备好。” 他愕然瞪了我半晌，然后，如释重负地与我拥抱了一会儿，便离开了我的家。 过了一个星期，我开始恢复工作。 直到第三个星期六的傍晚，我才拨通乔牧的手机。 “你在哪？” “酒吧。” “我现在过来方便么？” “没问题，我们到楼上去，我为你准备了房间。” 临走前，我简单地把屋子打扫了一遍，关窗、关门、关吊扇。当头顶不再响起嘎吱声，屋子就变得更加整洁、静谧了。 今晚将会是我有生以来最漫长最艰难的一夜，不到明天，我是不会回来的。 锁门时，玄关的电话响了，我把门虚掩着，摸黑抓起话筒。 "Hey?" “安凌！是我，是我啊！” "Who are you?" “我是潘月，潘月！没几天你就不记得我啦？” 潘月？我突然感到无所适从。 这时，虚掩的门不小心被带上了，我想起钥匙还挂在外面，只好从黑暗中伸出另一只手，去寻找门洞的位置。 潘月打电话给我时自己已经在遗忘酒吧了。 她说，心情不好就出来疯吧，疯够了，烦恼也就完了。 我真搞不懂，这么热的天，她哪来那么好的兴致。 乔牧说，玩一玩放松一下也好，既然已经决定，又何必急于一时？我再三回味乔牧的话，觉得这里头有蹊跷，他费尽心思等待的，不就是我全盘托出的那一刻么？结果事到临头，他反到退缩了，这让我联想到那盘在我家中未能走完的录音带，乔牧是唯一一个听完它的人，难道，B面确实隐藏着更耸人的情节，以至于连他也没办法接受？ 一路上，我想了很多，还是觉得不妥当。 这个夜晚，我酝酿了很久，不想就这么白白浪费。 我应该拒绝潘月的，过了今晚说不定我就后悔了，再也不肯对乔牧说了。即便想说，也未必有合适的情绪做支撑。 我必须摆脱她，到了那里，总有办法可以摆脱的。 然而，当我推门进去时才发现，情况完全出乎我的意料。 遗忘酒吧里张灯结彩，人声鼎沸。有人在吧台前面围出一个临时舞池，一大堆人在里面狂魔乱舞。 我找不到乔牧，也看不见潘月，应接不暇的灯光线把我的视线搅得乱七八糟。 “MAY！” 我一把抓住托着一大盘酒精扭来扭去的MAY， “乔牧呢？” “在那边——那边！和潘小姐坐着呐！” 我顺着她指的方向望去，两个熟悉的人头依稀可辩。 我只好拼命穿越人堆，时不时地被一两个粗壮的肩膀或丰腴的屁股撞倒，震耳欲聋的重金属敲得我头壳麻痹心烦意乱。 这可不是我要的夜晚。 我郁闷地想着，对如此失控的状况完全摸不着头脑。 “安凌！这里，这里！” 潘月发现了我，兴奋地直挥手。 她很不礼貌地把一旁醉瘫的客人推下去，以便让出我的座位。 “到底在搞什么？” 我皱起眉头，兴味索然地问他们。 “给潘月开个欢送PARTY。” 乔牧在我面前排出一长条早就准备好的鸡尾酒，用挑逗的眼神鼓励我尽情享受，潘月两颊绯红神色撩人，分明已经七分醉意三分清醒。 “你终于要走啦？” 我一口气喝了三杯，仍然提不起什么精神。 “别喝得那么急，等一下还有精彩节目，醉了就不好玩了。” “节目？什么节目？” 潘月狡黠地对我眨眨眼，硬要卖关子。 一连几杯下肚，酒吧里显得更焦热不堪了。但没过多久，我就适应了这里的气氛，把先前路上打算好的一切忘得一干二净。渐渐地，我也感到耳根脖子热，举手投足亦醺醺然流露出几许醉态来。这时，潘月对乔牧偷偷使了一个眼色，音乐被切断了。 四周唏嘘一片。 潘月亲昵地拉着我的手，踏着曼妙的步伐走到舞池中央。 音乐重新响起，潘月先是跟着前奏轻柔地摇摆身体，BASS撞出时，她开始贴近我的身子，以我为中心扭动起来。我觉得腰身被搔得痒痒的，忍不住歪嘴想笑。她却一丝不苟，继续旋转、触摸、燕舞。我真的笑出了声，心里那道郁闷的墙轰的一声就塌了，身体也跟着舒缓下来，不由自主地晃颠起来。潘月开心极了，一个劲地冲我点头，怂恿我进一步跳起来、舞起来，好象只有这样才能让我得到真正的、忘我的快乐。 旋律迅速加快，节奏也越敲越猛，我真的放开手脚和潘月肆意扭贴，人群自然而然地散成一圈，为这两个疯女人精彩的表演鼓掌喝彩。 她舞跳得真是一流，我禁不住从心底里赞叹，想必这就是所谓的节目，为了让我开怀，她和乔牧还真是下了一番功夫。 可是，我只猜对了一半，潘月接下来的猖狂举动才将今晚的序幕正式拉开。 潘月跳着跳着，就解开上衣的扣子，有人开始吹哨并发出各种蛊惑的噪声，我也被吓了一跳。尽管知道那纯粹只是嬉戏，却还是觉得相当刺激。 “我说行了！别闹了！” 我大笑着对准她的耳朵叫。 “开心吗？你现在开心了吗？” 她边转边喊，丝毫没有收敛的意思。 “开心！很开心！” “是不是可以兑现诺言了？” "What promise?" “陪我一天顺便带我去参观蜡像馆呀！” “哦，没问题，你什么时候走？” “后天，后天晚上九点钟的飞机。” “那就明天好了。” “不行，明天我要休息顺便整理东西，还是后天吧，后天一早我来找你，可不要睡懒觉啊！” 说完这句，她突然撕掉上衣扔向屋顶。 酒吧立刻沸腾起来，尖叫的、拥吻的、喝酒的、洒酒的，统统HIGH到不行。 潘月的身材好极了，尤其是那件豹纹比基尼胸衣，恰倒好处地将气氛推向顶点。酒吧里所有的人，包括乔牧和我，全都被她灭了。 睁开眼睛，扇叶是金黄色的。 我确定那不是梦，一切又恢复到了先前有颜色的样子。 有一刹那，我怀疑自己还躺在遗忘酒吧油腻腻的地板上，不知名的爬行物慢悠悠地在我的手背上踱步。我摊开掌心，抚摸紧挨着大腿的木缝，发现它们很干净，还上了溜滑溜滑的蜡，才知道是躺在自家的地板上。 不知名的小动物是一只比芝麻还黑的小蜘蛛，满腹狐疑地呆望着我，倘若再不采取什么行动，它就要开始织网了。 我用手指把它轻轻弹走。 它看上去并不讨厌，肢脚长得很精巧，还有点惹人怜，可是，颜色却很不吉利。 这小东西一消失，我就回想起昨晚的事了。 潘月为了逗我开心，在酒吧里把衣服给脱了。 她果然不是阮芫，阮芫是绝对不会做出如此有失颜面的事情的。 昨夜和乔牧的约会就被她的一意孤行给搅了，我很难说清楚现在的心情，也不完全遗憾。事实上，潘月的疯狂让我整个晚上都沉浸在兴奋与迷离的状态里，非常痛快亦非常解脱。 看来，我需要放纵，放纵也需要我。即使我终日回避，终日固守着冥顽不灵的态度，结果，还是彻底弃甲投降，任人摆布了。 正如我昨天预料的那样，不摆脱潘月的纠缠就会错过所有精心积累的情绪。我想，大概是智商出了点问题，从一开始我就没办法摆脱她，如今尤甚。 我是注定要被她搞得七荤八素的，除非，她永远离开这里。 可是，经历了昨晚，我对她竟然又萌生出莫名的不舍与愧疚来。 偷走她的记忆之后，我几乎毫不犹豫地就把她给甩了。有时，甚至故意躲着她，嫌她啰啰嗦嗦妨碍我的生活。潘月是很单纯很好打发的女人，相形之下，我的自私自利就显得有些丑陋了，于是，我打开橱子挑选衣服，想漂漂亮亮地把她送走。也许，只有让她完完全全心满意足，才不会造成来日的后患吧。 从镜子里，我仍然能够看见当初那种急于想要逃开她的惊情。 她早就不是那个背负着阮芫命运的潘月了，可是，她终究还是长着一副酷似她的脸庞与身体，因而让我无法防范从骨子里透出来的抗拒。一面接受她单方面的视如己出，一面却默祈着这女人最好永远不要再出现。 是的，永远，这才是我最真实的想法。 下午三点钟的时候，不知道从哪儿飘来几朵棉花团似的大云，把当头的烈日遮盖了起来，阳台上出现一大片凉快的阴影。我用搅拌机榨了一壶冰果汁，展开躺椅边喝边闭目养神，感觉挺惬意，寐着寐着就睡了过去，直到乔牧的电话把我吵醒。那时，天色已经灰暗，太阳已经落山。 “干什么呢？”他问。 "sleep." 我如实回答，眼眶的酸痛提醒我应该先洗把脸再和他说话， “又想请我吃饭么？” “听上去心情不错。” “昨天疯了一个晚上，到现在还没缓过劲来，根本没力气忧郁。” “哦，是这样……” 奇怪，他为什么吞吞吐吐？估计也是为了昨晚约会泡汤的事。 可我觉得，他昨天也并非如我想象中的那么想听我说。 “昨天，是你安排的？” “不，是潘月的主意，我看她那么热情，就没好意思拒绝。” “原来你是故意的。” “别误会，我没那意思。今晚你有空么？” “不行，改天再约吧。” “你变卦了？不想说了？” Is it?我是这样的么？我不禁扪心自问。 答案并没有显现出来，难道，一个安稳的午觉就让我反悔了么？ “不是这样的。明天我要陪潘月逛街，今晚再通宵达旦，我就连门槛也跨不出去了。” “呃…… ……”他又支吾了。 我觉得乔牧有心事，而且还是难以启齿的心事。 “你怎么了？有话就直接说出来，哼哼啊啊的我可听不懂。” “安凌，昨晚PARTY结束后，你有没有去过我的办公室？” “没有，不是你叫人开车送我回家的么？” “是哦。那就不是你……不是你，又会是谁呢？……是谁呢” 乔牧的声音越来越轻，嘀嘀咕咕语无伦次，好象很焦虑的样子。 “乔牧，昨晚有什么不对劲么？还是，发生了什么不好的事情？”我也被他弄得神经紧张起来。 “没有，没什么，你呢？还好么？” "I'm very good." “那就没事了，我还在忙，就这样吧。” “要不，我们……”我刚想请他吃饭，他就把电话给挂了。 乔牧古怪的举动让我恼了几分钟，但很快就忘了。 我不想让任何东西来干扰难得的一个宁馨的午后，而且，我还要延续这样的心情来应付明天的约会。 那天晚上，为了帮助睡眠，我吃得很清淡，却还是担心午觉过于充足。不料，才过八点就困得要命，和下午一样，倒头就睡着，连手机充电也忘了。 我是真的累坏了。 翌日一大早，潘月果然准时把我闹醒。我实在不习惯早起，反复赖床之后，终于被她拖起来，匆匆梳洗，准备出发。 就在这时，那只被我弹掉的黑蜘蛛又从鞋箱里探出头来。 “走啦，走啦！” 潘月一边穿鞋一边抓住我的手。 她的脚踝真美。 和阮芫一样美。 我忍不住又偷偷看了一眼。 S城的夏天是真正的酷暑，马路其实是一只巨大的、热得冒烟的平底锅，即便隔着凉鞋，还是能感觉到柏油煎烤脚底的灼烧。人们必须阳伞、草帽、墨镜全副武装才能安心地在外行走。否则，绝对会被锅底的焦味和防晒霜的浊香呛死。 我讨厌在这种日子出来逛街，裸露在外的四肢附着了陌生人的汗渍与体液，感觉好肮脏。潘月似乎不以为然，灵巧地带着我穿梭在市区的大街小巷，乐不可支地浏览着这城市最新鲜的景色。乍眼看来，好像她才是导游，而我只是个跟在屁股后面帮忙拎包的小厮。 我和潘月在鲜味汤包吃了很纯正的小笼和冰豆浆作早餐，新建的蜡像馆刚好也在那附近。 我提议不如先去参观蜡像馆，上午票子比较好买，过了中午即便排队买着了票，里面也是人山人海，看到的恐怕只有无数的后脑勺。可是，潘月却认为应该先去枣树街淘便宜货，那里也是人潮汹涌的地方，现在天气又热，有些顶不住汗流浃背的小贩是会提前收摊的。 我觉得也有道理，无奈，只好先把入场券买了，就直奔枣树街去了。 一到枣树街，我就后悔了。 九十点的光景，里面已经挤满了异地的游客，操着不晓得哪国语言的老外也遍布其间，混合着上等香水与臭汗的咸骚味儿波澜壮阔地冲击着路人的鼻子，简直让人难以忍受。 潘月依旧乐滋滋、慢悠悠，一摊接一摊地驻足、挑选，有时，我故意跑到前面，试图逼迫她错过那些商品雷同的摊位，可是，她总嚷嚷着“等一下！等一下！”就怕错过什么新奇的玩意儿。我就这么陪着她一小时一小时地捱，直到中午烈日当头，潘月才有了些许倦怠，大包小包地往外围撤退。 我带头帮她开路，同时也强忍着扑面而来的污秽体臭。潘月紧挨着我，小心翼翼地移动脚步，有清谈的茉莉花香隐约传来，是从潘月身上散发出来的。我诧异着这熟悉的洁净气息——即使浸淫在最混杂的环境里，还是能够清楚地辨认出来。 我思