Chapter 4 Chapter4 Homecoming

"From the first moment I saw him, I knew that he was a man out of reach for me. He was handsome, elegant, loyal, and had the typical modesty and gentlemanly demeanor of an intellectual. Perhaps he could not overcome the grief of losing his wife. From time to time, there is still a touch of melancholy on his face that makes a woman fall in love accidentally. I never thought that a man as outstanding and wise as him would fall in love with a woman like me at first sight. .” "love at first sight?" I am stunned. "En. But at that time, I didn't know that I looked so much like Ruan Yuan. It took a lot of effort to catch up with me on the way home. Of course, the problem was not with him. As you said, I was born a woman with little confidence , has always felt that he has no special charm, and has been guarding his own small piece of sky in obscurity. On the way home, he is not only a well-known young architect, but also has a huge property left by his wife. He can definitely find a well-matched Miss Noble, why did you just fall in love with such a small clerk like me?

"So, I was scared. On the one hand, I really wanted to be with him, because this is probably the only chance in my life. On the other hand, I was afraid that he would kick me away after his enthusiasm was over. I have encountered this kind of thing a lot, otherwise I wouldn't be so old that I still can't be high or low. "But later, my parents found out about this. They tried their best to match us up, as if once I gave up on him, I would never be able to marry again. The return journey also seemed to be more speculative with them, and they came and went, and soon became a family.

"My parents were born ordinary and didn't go to much school. On the way home, they were filial to them like their biological parents. Although I also knew that it was a strategy for him to pursue me, and he might not be able to maintain it in the future, but his status How can I not be moved by a man who cares so much about my family? "So, my heart softened. Marriage is just a gamble. Instead of spending the rest of my life with a man who can't meet the same conditions, it's better to bet a little bigger. This seemingly unattainable man may really be my real one. indefinite.

"Once I figured it out, I immediately changed my attitude, accepted his enthusiasm frankly, and got married in a hurry in just over three months. Once the honeymoon was over, however, problems arose. " Pan Yue picked up the cup, her face turned from bright to gray. I didn't interrupt, in order to protect her heart that she opened slowly. The critical moment is coming, and I must pay attention to hear every word she says. "Guitu thinks it is inappropriate to hold a grand wedding before the death of his ex-wife for less than three years. Therefore, after we registered our marriage, we went directly abroad for our honeymoon. We had the right to travel and get married. On the way home from our honeymoon, Guitu received a call and his parents learned that The news of our marriage has already rushed to City A to see me.

"You don't know how nervous I was, lest they compare me with his former wife, but it turned out to be completely beyond my expectations... Well, how can I describe to you the feeling when they saw me?" What about the strange expression?..." She seemed to have suddenly lost her ability to express herself, and she seemed a little clumsy. "An Ling, to be frank, that night, when you saw me clearly, what kind of mood did you feel?" I hesitated for a while. "I think I'm really scared by you." "Are you afraid?" "Yes. Although I didn't know that Ruan Xian was dead, maybe it was your attire that gave me the illusion. I think you look like...like..."

"Like a ghost." She took my word for it naturally. The cold air crept up my neck again, and the previous expression of helplessness returned to Pan Yue's face. "They feel the same as you, I mean the parents on the way home, although they only said one word to me from the beginning to the end, I still see some kind of strange emotion from them. "The moment she stood in front of me, the returning mother instinctively took a step back. This detail is still fresh in my memory. Her eyes were full of fear, and his father's face also changed, becoming serious and pale. I think They were scared, and that reaction caught me off guard, and I frantically touched my face and self-consciously checked my outfit."

"It's normal to have that reaction when you look so much like someone who has passed away." I comfort her. "But why do you have such a reaction? This makes me wonder, is it me or the dead Ruan Yuan who frightened the parents on the way home?" "Finally, what was that sentence they said to you?" "They looked at me strangely for a long time, and then dragged their way home into the study and talked for about fifteen minutes. When I finished making tea and came out of the kitchen, they were ready to leave. We bid farewell in a delicate atmosphere, and we were on our way home The moment the iron gate was closed, his mother finally couldn't help turning her head and said to me, "You and Xiao Xian really look alike."

Pan Yue lowered her face sadly, the corners of her eyes were wet. "This sentence deeply stimulated me..." She tried to go on. "That night, I lied that I forgot to buy a photo book, and asked if there was any extra photo album on the way home to temporarily put the photos we took during our honeymoon. In fact, I wanted to see what Ruan Xian looked like, but on the way home But he said that he had already disposed of all the things in the past, even throwing away the photos and albums. I was curious why he did this? But I dared not ask him, I was afraid, I was afraid that I would not be able to accept it...

"You know what I mean, everyone is a woman, if it were you, your first reaction would definitely be the same as mine. But I didn't expect that the way back took the initiative to explain this matter to me. " "How did he say?" "He said that I do look very similar to Ruan Yuan. But the fact is not what I thought - he didn't marry me to find a replacement. The reason why Ruan Yuan was destroyed is to prevent me from having Misunderstanding, guarding the happiness he finally regained..." "Do you trust him?" I was keen to pick apart the issues she had been trying to hide.

As expected, her brows were furrowed, and after a while, she relaxed slightly. "At that moment, I believed it. Not only did I believe it, but I was also moved. I didn't expect him to see through my heart. He was so gentle and considerate, and almost immediately eliminated the psychological barriers his parents brought to me, allowing me I feel how lucky I am to be deeply loved by a good man who is almost perfect, even... Even if there is still a shadow of Ruan Xian in his heart, it doesn't matter, because I have to accept everything about him, including those things that make him difficult. Forget about the past, as long as he is sure that the person he loves now is me, that's enough.

"However……" ... I began to guess the next plot of the story, and the memory burst out like a flood in an instant. I don't know if I can afford a double memory. I have to think. At this time, Qiao Mu came back. He saw us as soon as he stepped on the threshold, and at the same time he searched my face for clues of this conversation. Pan Yue also turned her gaze to an unknown corner outside the window, I thought, she didn't want to talk any more, at least not today. I inevitably thought of that man. As for what kind of person he is, and what kind of intricate relationship does he have with me?But it can't be integrated anyway. "What the hell are you trying to do?" Qiao Mu questioned me. "I want to forget." He didn't believe it, and insisted on finding evidence of my obsession from my face. In fact, even I was confused. My firm belief failed to resist Pan Yue's vivid memories. All the past that I tried to abandon brought me to the corner of my fate. This healing has just begun, but I have already seen Ann's shadow standing at the end of the distant road. Is she on her way home? Or still alone, dancing and cheering for my impending doom? "Keep your distance from her." Qiao Mu reminded me again and again, "It cannot be concluded that she is innocent based on her words alone. What's more, being innocent does not mean that she is not aggressive." aggression? Qiao Mu used a very dangerous word, which left me with lingering fear. "You don't know her well, and it's unfair to judge her like that." I don't know if I'm defending Pan Yue or myself. "I'll get to know her better than you do. You know I'm capable of it." Because of Pan Yue, we have disagreements again. Sometimes, I feel that Qiao Mu's tentacles are sharper than mine. He has the same eyes as An. Qiao Mu was very worried about me, he felt that I had underestimated Pan Yue, she was by no means an ordinary woman.He began to search for the memories of his way home, as if he had decided that the mystery brought by Pan Yue would sooner or later turn me into a pawn and fall into an unpredictable trap... Is it?Is it like this? At least, she already reminded me of him. The overlapping memories of Pan Yue and I are like a twisted chain, closely linking us together, and making the humble Pan Yue quickly become eloquent. "Talking to you is like talking to yourself. A different self, a self without any worries, that kind of feeling is very strange, how about you?" I didn't answer because I couldn't find a suitable expression. She would never understand that the joy of my self-realization came from dreams that had been hoarded for so long, dreams that belonged to her and would follow me for the rest of my life. Those dreams are so sticky, viscous, and confusing.It cannot be precipitated, let alone dissolved, and only revolves around one person—the way home. His appearance became clearer and clearer, and his voice became louder in his dreams. Sometimes, he even stood in front of me for no reason to disturb my sight. He usually didn't say anything, but subconsciously looked for something that seemed to fall on him There is nothing in the eyes. He can't see me, but he can feel my presence. On the surface, I was Pan Yue in the dream. I said what she said and did what she did, but in essence, I clearly knew that it was me, and I tried my best to accept and absorb what happened to Pan Yue at that time. everything.It is impossible for a person in a dream to perceive anything other than the dream, and the way home appeared in my dream because he existed in Pan Yue's memory.He is only a supporting role, and he can only repeat the words and deeds in Pan Yue's memory, and the only person he can see is Pan Yue. However, weird situations emerged and continued to develop every night. In the beginning, Pan Yue couldn't talk too much, especially when she talked about unpleasant things, she would stop immediately, which hindered my filtering, so I didn't find any strange things in the first few dreams. Signs, until one day, I dreamed that Pan Yue was standing in the living room and asked if he could remember the first time he met Ruan Xian on the way home. He suddenly said something in the opposite direction to Pan Yue: "Who is there?" Pan Yue in the dream didn't hear it, but I did. When I woke up the next day, I suddenly realized that in yesterday's dream, that man didn't say a word to Pan Yue.Because the dream left in my mind, apart from Pan Yue's worries, there was also the fear of the man when he spoke--the fear of me who was peeping at him. From then on, every time he fell into a dream, he would suddenly feel my breath, and say a few words that made me feel helpless. Fortunately, Pan Yue's thinking was very clear, and he was completely immersed in his own memories.However, her husband has always been instinctively vigilant towards me, searching for traces of my possible existence, and I can't concentrate all my thoughts on Pan Yue alone.It's like he's making trouble on purpose, although I know that's not his intention, in fact, he doesn't understand why he always feels like someone is watching him. I didn't tell Qiao Mu the real situation. This is the fact that he has always wanted to verify on me. He may use various methods to persuade me to give up my dangerous plan for Pan Yue. I don't want to give up. Although my heart is very disturbed. I can't resist this man who can perceive me in my dreams and try to reveal my face, especially when I see him again and again, and then think about him. I wait patiently for his return, if he can find me. "I have less and less time, less and less... "It's like a thief has slipped into my head, stealing a little bit every day. The strange thing is, I don't hate that feeling, but I feel relieved. You're right, I should say it, especially to you listen." Pan Yue looked at me frankly, quite different from her usual cowardly expression. I also know that her time is running out, a few times, just a few more times, she will be able to completely forget the past and start over again, and what will happen to me at that time? "Let's say something complete. The first two times your mood was not very stable, and it was always intermittent, which made me confused." "What did I say?" "You won't forget so soon, will you?" I deliberately tested her. "I was thinking about it this morning . . . You see, I can't remember it." "You said that in the second year after you and Gui Tu got married, you accidentally found a photo of me and Ruan Yuan, and then, life changed." Actually, Pan Yue didn't say these words to me. It was my own summary of the recent dreams. Pan Yue has been describing those fragmented plots since the first meeting, although each paragraph of the picture They are very clear, but there is no lack of contradictions and repetitions with each other, so it is difficult to integrate them together.Of course, I can't stop her from repeatedly describing those painful images. The more unbearable the things, the more people can't stop looking back. Breaking this inescapable law will only bring greater difficulties to my future dreams.Therefore, I can only wait for her to turn from nervous catharsis to rational narrative, and that transition must be natural, like a mountain stream that slides from one bay to another, and finally merges into my mouth, completely Be one with me. Now, the time is ripe, and I plan to spend a little more time guiding her slowly. "In fact, my life has long been different, I just never found it myself." I stared blankly at her in bewilderment. "To put it simply, on the way home, although he clearly knows that I am Pan Yue in his head, he subconsciously regards me as Ruan Yuan. He thinks he loves me, but it is actually another woman." "It can be seen that you still don't believe him." Pan Yue shook her head immediately. "Of course I believe him. How can I not believe him? His eyes are sincere, his compassion is sincere, and he never misses my name even when he talks in his sleep. Except for work, he spends almost all his time on He stayed with me, made me happy, and used all kinds of romantic methods that can only be seen in film and television dramas to create sentiments, so that I don’t know how to thank God for giving me such a small person such rich happiness for no reason . "After more than half a year passed, I was even more sure that this fairy-like life would continue until I died, but at that time, I had my first quarrel with Guihui." "For Ruan Xian?" "Ruan Yuan?" For the first time, Pan Yue showed contempt for her. "No. I have long forgotten that there is such a person who once bothered me. What's more, there is no one thing belonging to her at home. Even if I think about it, I can't remember it. I haven't had many arguments with Guitu since we got married. The second fight, after clearing it up, it is just a trivial matter, in your eyes, it is no different from ordinary couples quarreling. "Any menthols?" she asked suddenly. I waved and called MAY over. She went back to the bar to ask Qiao Mu, Qiao Mu immediately glanced at me vigilantly, I nodded to him, and he gave May the cigarette. "You and Qiao Mu are a very strange couple." Pan Yue skillfully lit a cigarette, and inadvertently turned the topic to me. At this time, I found that she had changed into a different person, with the comfort of a city girl exuding from her whole body, which was incompatible with the luxurious clothes. "Why did you suddenly think of saying this?" I try to avoid it. "It's pure curiosity. You two clearly know what the other is thinking, but you always like to play charades. It's really incomprehensible." I kept silent and poured tea to express my refusal to discuss further, but secretly surprised at her insight. Halfway through the smoke, Pan Yue talked back to the topic just now, and I confirmed that her thoughts at the moment were clearer than ever before. "On the way home that night, on a whim, I ordered two takeaways and made the living room look like a French restaurant. At first everything was great, until I accidentally made a strange noise when I was eating soup. I didn't mean it, and I knew it This is not very good, but more than 20 years of sloppy tutoring has made me develop such a habit, without the slightest instinct of self-discipline, unexpectedly put down the spoon on the way home, and sternly yelled at me: "Can you Don't make that sound while you're eating soup!' His voice was so loud that he didn't hide his disgust at all, as if he couldn't bear it for a second, and it scared me out of my wits. My self-esteem was immediately hurt. I don't understand why he, who is usually obedient to me, would scold me mercilessly for such a trivial matter?That tone of contempt from the bottom of my heart made me feel ashamed.So I was also annoyed, threw down the knife and fork, turned around and locked myself in the kitchen.I thought he would come to coax me soon and repent for the rudeness just now, but I didn't expect him to come to the truth and just left me there alone to reflect, and I realized that something was wrong. "We remained in a stalemate like this until midnight, and finally I couldn't bear it any longer. I woke up from the bed and asked him why he scolded me like this for such a trivial matter. But he replied incredulously: 'Why did I scold you? I just told you that I don't like your appearance, so you can change it in the future?' I still don't understand, so I continued to pester him and ask, if I can't change it for the rest of my life, would you not want me because of this little thing? "What do you think he answered?" Pan Yue fixed my eyes and lit a cigarette again. I can't think of an answer, it's clearly unreasonable, and it's getting ridiculous. Pan Yue expected that I would not be able to answer, so she simply puffed out a few puffs of smoke rings leisurely and took a rest, then called the waiter to order two dinners, and then came back to me. "He answered me very seriously, very very seriously: 'Yes! Definitely.'" I looked at Pan Yue's indifferent expression in surprise, and when I came back to my senses, dinner was already in front of me. Qiao Mu cooked the food himself again. To my surprise, this time it was seafood which was quite difficult. There is no PIZZA on the menu. Obviously, Pan Yue has tasted Qiao Mu's craftsmanship, which makes me feel a little uncomfortable. Perhaps influenced by the memories just now, Pan Yue left the knife and fork that May specially prepared for her aside, grabbed the edge of the cake and stuffed it into her mouth, brushed cheese and crushed shrimp were rudely smeared Putting on her gorgeous lipstick, like lumps of colorful boogers hanging from the corners of her mouth, she put her fingers into her tongue while happily admiring my surprised face, muttering while chewing: "Look, this is me, and it's refreshing to eat like this! I really don't understand, what's the point of messing around with those red tapes all day on the way home? Excuse me, where did I just say that?" Pan Yue finally swallowed the food steadily. "Speaking of your first quarrel, he said on the way home that he would reject you because you were drinking soup too loudly. I don't quite believe it. How could he say that to you? A man who loves his wife like a child, How can you care about such details?" "You've got the point." She wiped her fingers clean for now. "Details. Details are the most important thing on the way home. Of course, in my opinion, he doesn't realize this. He really loves me so much that he can satisfy everything I want without scale, but, This kind of love requires continuous learning, constant change, and constant payment.” "I do not understand what you mean." "Why don't you understand? Ruan Yuan and I have been identical in appearance, the only difference is the details. I am a vulgar poor woman, but she is a nobleman in the upper class. There are worlds of differences in details such as habits, interpersonal communication, and even the taste of vision. Although the one who loves me on the way home, subconsciously can't bear the slightest bit of vulgarity from me..." "Then this kind of love must be fake." I can't help but interrupt her, "That is to say, he has been lying to you from the beginning?" "The way home never lied to me, otherwise our relationship would not be so harmonious." "Harmony?!" I wonder if something is wrong with my hearing. "I talked about the details just now, yes, the details. Since that time, Guitu and I have had several conflicts over such details of life. During that time, our relationship was very bad, and my emotions also plummeted. Several times I want to propose a divorce with low self-esteem, but every time I calm down and think about this issue carefully, I find that all the contradictions are actually concentrated on me alone. Because of these differences in concepts and habits, I keep calling for a divorce, right? Too capricious? The fact is that, apart from repeatedly emphasizing the importance of those trivial styles, the way home has not neglected me in other ways, which always puzzles me. One minute he was still furious about my heavy makeup, and the next second he was furious. Considerately feed the cut apple to my mouth, as if nothing happened just now.However, I clearly saw his expression at that time, so my mood also followed his ups and downs, floating to the clouds for a while, falling to the ground for a while, and after repeated tossing, my mind became even more confused. The journey home has become more and more complicated and emotional. Sometimes, I even suspect that he has a dual personality, but at the same time, those completely heartfelt cares have repeatedly tempted me to fall into a prison, and it is difficult to extricate myself.Really leaving those details aside, there is actually no difference between him today and yesterday. However, the distance between us is still inevitably getting farther and farther due to the accumulation of too many boring disputes.The strange thing is, he didn't seem to care about it, or he didn't notice it at all! Homecoming is so smart, I just don't understand why he is so slow in this matter?He is the one who creates conflicts, and he is also the one who ignores them. On the one hand, he loves me more and more every day, and on the other hand, he makes me hate myself more and more every day. That feeling is really weird, as if... there is something Invisible forces subtly sandwiched between us, deliberately trying to uncover some things I didn't realize layer by layer, and slowly eroded into my heart and blood, until I was completely destroyed..." Pan Yue didn't stop talking, but suddenly there was a chaotic buzzing sound in my right ear, followed by a ringing sound in my left ear, and my temple felt a burning pain. At the same time, I clearly felt that the brain fluid was quickly sucked to my forehead by an unknown force. In the end, the entire brain was paralyzed, dizzy, twisted, concussed, and burst... Countless dark tentacles isolated from the conversation pierced my skull in an instant, and the pits sank one after another, turning black Bottomless... Pan Yue's lips are still moving regularly, reminding me of the other mouth in the dream, opening and closing in a smooth and steady way, but I can't hear anything. Could it be that the night has already fallen? Arrived, and I, unknowingly, sleepwalked? "...An Ling? An Ling!!" Pan Yue's voice crescendoed, and the vibrating tabletop awakened my consciousness. "Are you listening?" "Yes, I'm listening." I frantically caught the beads of sweat slipping down my neck with the back of my hand. "Why do I think you have a weird expression, as if you've lost your mind?" Pan Yue was a little disappointed, she was used to me looking into her eyes intently when she was talking. "No. You go on." "Let's stop here today, I think you are tired too." As she spoke, she began to pack her things. "do not!" I grabbed her smooth wrist firmly. "I'm fine. I'm in good spirits. I want to hear from you." "Sure?" "Sure." I steadfastly held her steady, and then asked MAY to go to the kitchen to help us make coffee. Only then did I catch a glimpse of Qiao Mu's eyes all the way to my side. Across so many guests and tables and chairs, he could still see through my thoughts at a glance. , which made me feel even more insecure. The hot aroma of coffee quickly re-ironed the wrinkled atmosphere. Pan Yue touched the wall of the cup lightly with her fingers and found it was too hot, so she had to drink a few sips of plain water to quench her thirst. This time was obviously not the prelude to tasting coffee. There was a dull grunt in the throat, which sounded very uncomfortable. "As I said just now, as long as I think that such quarrels will be repeated endlessly, I feel tired, so I think back to the first sentence I said on the way home." "Which sentence?" "'Is it over if you change it?' "Since he has already indicated that he doesn't like it, I'll change myself according to his wishes. Anyway, it won't do me any harm. I took the initiative to talk to Guitu about my thoughts and told him that I want to completely reborn, change my face, and relearn how to He was very happy on the way home to be a woman who satisfied him 100%, and immediately discussed some specific plans with me. The excited look on his face was something I had never seen before. Frankly speaking, deep down in my heart I am very resistant to saying these words, it would only make me despise myself even more, if it wasn’t for the way back to make me believe that his pickiness of me was just a matter of fact, and he never deliberately belittled our relationship, what would I say? I also don't want to deny myself, you know, I didn't have much confidence in the first place, and getting married with Guitu finally gave me a vision for myself, but now, I have to start a new life from the beginning, I really can't do what I want.However, I also knew that I had no choice. Guitu and I realized that there had never been any deep-rooted major conflicts. Why should we expand such a small problem without limit in order to maintain the dignity of my little woman?So what if you save face?Compared with losing the way home, my self-esteem is obviously insignificant, even if the way home has always treated me so well, I should change it for him. Looking back now, that year passed really quickly, maybe because I was too busy and full, I gradually forgot the loss of time, and at the same time I gradually forgot my original appearance. I really lowered myself completely and learned from the way home. From social etiquette to dress taste, I never let go of any details. good stuff.I have really changed, exuding a special charm that I don't even know myself.One day, when I accidentally saw myself in the mirror, I was startled!I found that there was a beam of dazzling light jumping above my barren back, like a rainbow-like brilliant and moving light. For the first time, I had the narcissistic impulse to reach out and caress myself, because she was so cute and beautiful. On the way home, I was ecstatic because of my successful change, and held me in the palm of my hand to take care of me. Our relationship not only returned to the sweetness of the past, but also moved towards a more harmonious and consolidated stage step by step.Slowly, I also began to be fastidious, picky, and I became used to and satisfied with this state. I knew that I had finally become the kind of person he expected, more precisely, a person worthy of him. " Pan Yue stopped again, I had finished my coffee, but hers lost its original temperature as it remained motionless. We quietly stared at each other's increasingly familiar faces, and some unspeakable tolerance lingered in the air that yearned to get closer to each other. "Call me another drink." I gently pushed Pan Yue's cup butterfly away. "it is good." She turned around to look for MAY, but her arms waving vigorously suddenly froze in mid-air. I looked along and was dumbfounded. There was no one in the bar, there was neither May nor Qiao Mu's eyes, everyone disappeared without a trace, only the row of dark yellow halogen lamps on the bar counter looked at us intently . The night has already fallen... A hot Wednesday afternoon in July. Pan Yue's story is coming to an end, she is in such a good mood, she couldn't help asking me: "Okay, why are you so depressed?" I said, I wasn't depressed, it was because the weather was too hot, I wasn't used to it at night, and I didn't sleep well. "Sleep is the most important thing, women's maintenance depends on it." She pointed me seriously. At this time, Pan Yue was completely different from when we first met, no longer depressed, no longer hesitant, no longer feel inferior for no reason, and insisted that I try the trick of smiling in the mirror every morning when I woke up . "Try to make yourself smile heartily, brilliantly, and very spiritually. Don't you see that I'm in a much better mood now?" "Where did you say it last time?" "Speaking of how to teach you how to be a woman and how to experience orgasm on the way home, I think your life seems to be getting better and better, and you are getting farther and farther away from Ruan Yuan, but after a year, why would you think of finding out about her? what about?" Pan Yue entered the dark meditation for the last time. I knew that it was just a natural reaction after inserting the key into the lock hole. Once the door was opened and the memory was exhausted, everything would be over satisfactorily. "As I said last time, under the guidance of the way home, I did experience unprecedented sexual pleasure, but at the same time, I felt that it violated a certain belief I was born with, a certain purity of a woman's nature, such as , tolerance, restraint, restraint, and those personal feelings that can only be understood but cannot be expressed in words. Perhaps, there is something wrong with my sexual concept. I believe that there are many couples in this world who have very open sex lives, but I am not that type. A woman who has been conservative and simple since she was a child should not be so slutty in one night, if it is only one night. Forget it, the problem is that since then I have been intoxicated in the sex on the way home almost every day. The more I want, the more crazy I become. I start clinging to him, wanting him, and relying on him like crazy. It's like a fish thrown into the tank from the sea. If the owner forgets to give water, I will suffocate immediately! Wanton enjoyment of orgasms did not bring me to the limit of happiness. On the contrary, it made me fall into the despair of being hollowed out. I was nervous, anxious, suspicious, and had no trust in myself. What's worse, I started to pay attention to other things. Men, there will be sexual fantasies in front of me at any time. When I suddenly realized one night that I actually imagined my way home as another man I didn’t know at all during sex, I was horrified to find that I was no longer me. " "What about the way home? Didn't he notice it at all?" Pan Yue shook her head, "Not only did he not notice it, but he was quite satisfied with this cycle of life, especially when my bed skills were improving day by day, he regarded me as a real treasure, and the proud and appreciative eyes seemed to constantly imply that I Not only his wife, but also a work of art carefully cultivated by him. So, I was completely confused. Who am I?Who did I look like? You must say I'm too sensitive again, right?In fact, I also know that the behavior of returning home is normal. He hopes that I will become better and more perfect, and he even does not hesitate to develop my sexual potential. How many men are willing to spend so much energy on their wives?If you tell it to anyone, you will be scolded as being in the blessing and not knowing the blessing.However, when I finally found Ruan Yuan's photo, I felt as if I was dead, can you believe it?I had the same feeling as my parents on the way home, and I was afraid of myself, like a ghost who came back from the dead..." Pan Yue's cheeks began to turn pale, and the expression on the first time I recognized her under the street lamp appeared, and this fear returned to my heart, but I must remain calm... I called Pan Yue, and she immediately came back to her senses and got out of the emotion just now. That reaction was very strange, like hypnosis with her eyes open. Pan Yue's thoughts are well controlled by me. I speak and forget unconsciously, which really gave me the illusion that I am a psychiatrist. However, I am not my parents after all, so it is best not to indulge in such thoughts. In delusion. "Why do you think that you have become Ruan Xian?" Pan Yue put the photo in front of me again. "Now, please look at my face carefully." I really put my mind all together. In fact, now I can no longer associate Pan Yue with Ruan Xian. From the first day I talked with her, she has been changing, becoming relaxed, comfortable, informal, and doing whatever she wants. That is her true nature. .But now, she suddenly lowered her head and put herself into a certain atmosphere, and when she straightened her body and raised her face again after a few seconds, the photo in my hand slipped to the ground. At this moment, Pan Yue's charming and bottomless smile is exactly the same as that of Ruan Yuan in the photo, not only the smile, but also the eyes, temperament, and all the details match perfectly. I could have expected such a performance, but I didn't expect that there was no trace of acting in those performances, that she really became another woman, a woman who was the opposite of herself. "You finally understand..." Unfamiliar tears overflowed from her peaceful eyes, I haven't seen her so sad for a long time. "In the autumn of the second year, I went on a business trip to Switzerland for a week on my way home, so I had the opportunity to find the answer to the mystery. That was the only time, alone, I tremblingly opened all the cabinets and drawers in the house that could store things.At first, I didn't know what I was looking for, and I was busy for two days but found nothing.On the afternoon of the third day, the dry cleaners delivered a fur coat that I had forgotten on the way home, and I thought about the basement. 我们家的地下室实际上是个巨大的更衣室，我挂好归途的大衣合上门，却不小心卡到了上面的搁板，再打开时，一只破旧的塑料袋从上面掉了下来。 我捡起袋子，发现里面是一件范思哲的女式外套，心想一定是他前妻留下来的，我打开衣服仔细查看，惊讶地发现这件被主人随便丢弃、久失保养的外套居然还像新的一样，连最普通的霉迹也找不到。好奇心促使我再往深处掏，当我的手伸进内侧口袋，并触到硬纸片的那一刹那，我明白我找到了。 " “就是这张合影，还有遗忘酒吧的帐单？” “是的。就象你看到的那样，这张照片足以证明我身上发生的变化不是没有缘由的。可悲的是，当我发现我和阮芫根本就是一个模子刻出来的，我眼里看到的只有她没有我。 照片上的女人，不仅神态与我相同，就连身上穿的裙子也和我一样，我从来没有这样清楚地了解到，我目前所拥有的一切——财富、美貌、家庭，乃至一双鞋子、一枚扣子，全都是她的。 " “等等，你这样太武断了。” 虽然我已经完全明白潘月的意思，但我还是忍不住要否决她，因为我不想受她的影响而误入岐途。 “到目前为止，你所说的全都是你个人的想法，依我看，这里头主观的因素太多。如果你的感觉是对的，那归途毫无疑问是个阴谋家，他故意要把你变成阮芫的样子，可你又一直在强调他爱的人是你，而不是阮芫。你不觉得这前后根本就是矛盾的？” “所以我才想要来这里找出真相。你说得对，我的确很矛盾，不但矛盾还很懦弱。我前思后想，发觉要让自己不去介意已经改变的事实并不困难，只要和归途一样，忘记阮芫，就当作是一场与她无关的，纯粹为了协调我们夫妻关系的改变。可是，有一点我始终无法释怀，我到底为什么一定要这样做，难道就没有别的办法？ “归途回来后，我毫不犹豫地拿出阮芫的照片，义正严词地质问他：'我们之间的婚姻是否是你故意对我设下的圈套？你根本就不爱我，只是为了要把我塑造成另一个阮芫？归途有点受伤，但并没有对我的发现感到惊奇，他无可奈何地拿起照片看了看，既没有激动也没有留恋，神情相当平淡，然后，他深深地叹了一口气，回答道：'潘月，我想，是我爱的方式让你有了这样的误会。'” "What do you mean by that?" “我也这么问他。 “归途坦白告诉我，他和前妻是初恋，遇到我之前，除了阮芫，他从未爱过别的女人，所以，尽管他清楚地知道我不是阮芫，也清楚地知道他现在所爱的女人是潘月，但是，却只能用爱阮芫的方式来爱我。” “他的意思是，他根本不知道该如何对待除阮芫之外的其他女人？” “恐怕这就是他所能给我的唯一解答。” "Do you believe it?" “如果我相信，现在，就不会坐在你面前了。” 是的，她不信，她当然不信，连我都知道那不是事实，更何况是她。 天气真的热了，夏天说来就来，让人措手不及，城市眼看着乱成一团，所有的人都开始为避暑作准备。 我等着乔牧来烦我，去年这个时候他为了说服我把吊扇换成空调天天用鎯头搥我家的门，并大声嚷嚷：“你以为这是在A城啊！A城啊！！”现在我想起来，A城的夏天充满了雷阵雨，所以很阴凉，而S城的夏天却非常炎热，吊扇那几片生锈的叶子的确起不到任何作用。可是我不想换，平躺在席子上看它转，是一种很好的治疗。让人心定气顺远离烦燥，没有它，我是熬不过夏天的。 S城的夏天虽热，过得却也快，只需把清晨的懒觉延后一点，把午休的时间拖长一些，再将晚间娱乐的内容丰富一下，二十四个小时很容易就被打发过去了。 但我不同，热浪只能让原本就不易入睡的头脑更清醒。 夜，也因此而变得更嘈杂、更冗长了，我在床上辗转反侧，看着自己的汗水滴滴答答地印在竹席的表面上，滑溜溜地直痒痒，同时却也体味到身体因流失而带来的酣畅。困了就睡，醒了就想，老式吊扇不知疲惫、嘎吱嘎吱地盘旋，转着转着，那些挥手丢弃的久远记忆就又一一呈现出来了…… 我曾经和乔牧说过我会忘记的，而且当太阳把雨水抖落干净，从厚密的云层里探出笑脸的时候，我几乎已经忘记了。 令人遗憾的是，我仍然无法摆脱命运的安排，被潘月的记忆重新勾起了不堪回首的往昔，不过，那终究是我心甘情愿的决定——原以为可以就此逃脱一切的决定。 看来，我还是低估了这件事本身所具备的影响力。 乔牧是对的，潘月的无辜和坦诚并不能削弱已经存在的侵略性，这使我越来越确定那是上苍特地为了惩罚我的愚钝而精心安排的又一场劫数。 但是，我不再恐惧了。 潘月的记忆就在我脑袋里，完完整整、清清楚楚地铺展着，无论那曾经带给我多么大的震动与苦恼，如今也已划上了句号，成为了永久的秘密，我不会再有任何人提起。而潘月呢？早已回归她本来的面貌——单纯、质朴、平凡、快乐，内心对于丈夫和婚姻的那些困惑与不满统统变成了富足与憧憬，她不再记得归途说过的每一句伤人的话，做过的每一件古怪的事，脑海里只保存着他的善、他的美、他的好也不会存留一丝一毫的质疑，至于她回到A城后与归途之间还会发生些什么事，我就不得而知，也无能为力了。 也许，他还会继续改造潘月，又或者短暂的分离能让他想明白凡事不可勉强的道理，决心要重新看待她、了解她、爱护她也说不定。未来的事谁也不知道，唯一能够确定的是，潘月不会再想起阮芫了，因为我已经把有关她的一切包括那张合影全部留在了我的身上。既然，这些痛苦已经与过去融合到了一起，我何不看开些，就此接受命运的挑战，勇敢地承担下去。说不定有一天，我的脑袋再也装不下任何东西，记忆也会自然地被删减和淘汰，剔除无用的，只留下宝贵的。 但是，我忽略了一件事，那就是遗留在乔牧那里的关于归途的记忆。 潘月恢复自信之后就再也没提过这件事，也没再去遗忘酒吧。她并没有离开这里，只是忙着走亲访友。我想，这应该是她当初离家寻找我时用的借口，否则她丈夫也不会那么久都不来找她，可见她也是早就安排好的。倘若之前那只是个幌子，那么现在到真是可以把它当作一次快快乐乐的探亲了。 于是，我忽然觉悟到这些日子只顾着和潘月聊天，聊完又忙着独自整理情绪，不知不觉就和乔牧断了联系，奇怪的是，他居然也没主动找上门来。 他又在忙些什么呢？ 为此，我特地去了一趟酒吧，不料，门口却挂着休业的牌子，我担心出了什么变故，就给MAY打了电话。 “空调坏了，在整修。” “乔牧呢？” “一直在啊，你好久都没来了，那个潘小姐到勤快，天天晚上按时报到。” “潘小姐？” 我很吃惊，是潘月自己告诉我不用再见面，只等走的时候送个行就可以了。没想到却独个儿泡在酒吧里。可话又说回来，那本来就是公共场所，有谁规定她只能和我约会而不能一个人去消遣呢？ 乔牧把我带到楼上。 那是我第一次走进他的房间，门一开，熟悉的须后水味道就扑上来了。 我没喝多少酒，却变成了醉汉，颠三倒四，踉踉跄跄，原本很亲切很诱人的香，如今竟然冲得我鼻尖酥麻。我回想起乔牧刚才所说的话，额头更是虚汗连连，连自己也搞不清是真醉还是装醉。 乔牧把我安顿在沙发一角，端茶倒水包扎创口的样子像在服侍一个完全陌生、离家出走的小孩。 最后，没什么可做了，他就拿了把椅子坐到了我跟前。 接下来的几分钟里，我们一句话也没说，也没看对方的脸，只是局促地望着某个地方，让自己保持自然的神态，房间里时钟针脚的声音暗示着某种对峙和防御。 他打算盘问我么？ maybe.Maybe not. 我偷偷瞄过去，吃不准那些沉浮在倨傲与叵测之外的哀伤从何而来？ "What did you say?" 我决定先打破沉默，以为这样可以将主动权转移到自己手上。 乔牧没有马上回答，他也开始重新揣摩我，我不自觉地慌乱，险些露出马脚。 “安凌，潘月的事并没有结束。又或者是，你并没有我想象的那么简单。” “什么意思？你到底想对我说什么？” 他没注意到我的声带在警惕地颤抖，相反，到被自己唐突的判断吓着了。竭力想要躲闪却又被惊悸重重牵绊，挣扎的间隙，哀伤沉了下去，痛苦又跟着浮上来，一团污浊的阴霾飘荡在我们相隔不远的距离中，数不清的毛毛虫悬浮其间，宛如一堆扭来扭去的绿色小指。 “我想说你真聪明，聪明到连我都不知不觉掉进了你精心布置的陷阱里。” “陷阱？你说什么陷阱？” 他淡然地笑，随意摆正松垮垮的姿势，根本不在乎我有没有心虚。 “这个词是有点过份，不过，在搞清楚前因后果之前我也只好这么形容。你别误会，我并没有责备你的意思，你有权维护你的隐私，这我早就和你妥协了不是么？只不过，我没想到潘月的一句话会让我在无意中发现了线索，也对你有了更深刻的认识。” “乔牧，你最好直截了当地告诉我，是什么让你对我突然有了的敌意，要不然，我马上离开这里，从此以后再也不出现在你面前！……” “又说这种决裂的话，你每次都这样。” 他当即扼杀了我的念头。 “我没有敌意。只是……有些困惑。” 乔牧怔怔地望着我，哀伤又一次颓然掠过。然后，他从上衣的内侧口袋掏出一只黑灰色的塑料盒递给我，我俯身细看，是盘普通的TDK录音带，带子看上去很旧，想必有点年头了。我瞥他一眼，意思是你给我这个做什么？他不说话，好象故意耐心等着我自己来发现它的奥秘。 我只好打开，翻来覆去地研究，在磁带内壁的卡纸上发现一行小字：归途/98/4/27。 “归途的记忆？……你找到了归途的记忆！” 乔牧更专注地观察我的表情。 “这让你害怕了？比遇见潘月那天更让你害怕对不对？” 我面不改色，直接把他的手啦过来，重重地压在自己的胸口上。 我要让他知道我的心律完全正常。 “乔牧，你脑袋有问题。我不认识归途，尽管现在我已经对他相当熟悉了。但是，在潘月出现之前，我从来没有听说过这个名字。” “好吧，如果你执意不肯说，我也没办法。” 他很懊恼。 “因为我收集不到证据。不过，等你亲自听完这个故事，我想，答案自然就会出现了。” “看来，你已经有结论了，那为什么不直接说？我不喜欢在无聊的事情上浪费时间，这你是知道的。” “归途的故事很长，说得也很完整，唯一遗憾的是，他始终没有把主角的名字说出来。因此在梦中，她的面貌始终是模糊的。我想，这也是我没能马上就回想起六年前还有过这么一笔生意的原因，直到潘月又重新提起这件事。 “事实上，你和潘月谈话的开始，也是我对归途调查的开始。结果，在搜查过去历年所有库存记录的过程中，有笔惊人的数目引起了我的注意。你我都知道，SO LONG的价格基本上固定在一个范围内，不可能随便出现天价。但是，那个数字连我自己都怀疑？于是，我把MAY找来核实，经过反复回忆，她终于想起来。97年的冬天，的确有个很像潘月的女人来过酒吧。正如潘月所说的那样，MAY之所以会对这个女人印象深刻，也是因为她是唯一一个替丈夫来点SO LONG的顾客。更特别的是，那女人还愿出双倍的价钱来买断它。” “买断？” 乔牧的话让我心脏的负荷越来越大。 “她要我偷偷把我和她丈夫之间的对话录下来交给她。她想独占他的那段记忆。” 我耳根的汗毛在一秒钟内全部站直。 乔牧接着说： “那天，我刚好不在店里，MAY又实在不想放弃这么一桩难得的好生意，就擅自把合同签了。所以，我根本没见过阮芫，否则，我也不会一点印象也没有。那笔款子实际到帐时间在98年4月24日，也就是归途来酒吧喝酒的前三天。如果我没记错的话，那天晚上，他坐到我面前的时候应该是一个人。他说，他太太为了庆祝这趟重温蜜月的旅行，特地为他点了一杯价值连城的鸡尾酒，并让他独个儿在此好好享受一番。我自然也得按照合同的要求，把他太太想要的那些记忆全部过滤、收录下来……” “阮芫在合同上要求的是一段什么样记忆？” 乔牧凝视我： “对不起，我不想说，你还是回家自己听吧。” 他故意隐瞒，为了要报复我曾经以同样的方式对待过他？ 他站起来，边收拾茶杯，边接着把话说完。 “没想到，归途失去记忆的时刻，也是她濒临死亡的瞬间。这盘带子一沉寂就是六年，现在突然又找到了它，真不晓得是福是祸。” “你怎么找到它的？” “这不重要，反正我就是找到了，但愿……” 乔牧突然坐到了我身边，将我的身体扳向他。 “但愿什么？” 我坦荡荡地问。 “但愿，我的猜测是错的。” 就在这时，我感觉到磁带上的微尘已经被手汗沾湿，渐渐失去了原先的摩擦力。稍一懈怠，就会像脆弱的酒杯那样滑下去了。于是我赶紧站起身，匆忙逃回家去。 这天夜里，我又梦见了潘月。 她和归途一起，光溜溜地躺在一片黄土地上，不停地重叠、翻滚、叫喊、搏斗，活象两条营养过高、精力过盛的肥蛆。而我的身体，却麻痹了，不但失尽所有的知觉，还亲眼目睹了子宫在徒劳的回荡和摇摆中逐渐破损、化脓、起疮、溃烂的过程，让我止不住一阵接一阵地恶心，直想吐。 就在秽物喷出喉咙的一霎那，归途突然对我笑了。 他和前几次一样，一丝不苟地瞄准我的脸，并尽可能高高昂起，以确定自己不是朝着潘月。这次，他的目光非常坚定，并且一直持续到梦境结束。 在我即将苏醒的那一瞬，他终于找到了我。 并且，激动地对我说： “啊，原来是你！”