Chapter 13 Chapter Twelve

In fact, love does not necessarily have results, it just proves that you have met someone in a certain time and space, and that is enough. Regarding Geng Mochi, I really don't know what to say. In fact, ever since I fell in love with this person, I have foreseen the possibility of eternal doom. I am not irrational. The moths flew straight to him, wanting to love regardless of indiscriminate death.I should have thought of it, he came to Xingcheng suddenly, it would definitely not be to renew our old relationship with me, he hesitated to speak in front of me, he said sorry to the left, and could do nothing to the right, so obvious implying that I seemed to be blind He couldn't see anything, so he kicked him into the abyss again, and his body was smashed to pieces.

I never dreamed that he was planning to break up with me when he accompanied me to Xinjiang this time.He must have been brewing for a long time, so when he brought it up, he was as calm as talking about the weather with me. That was on the third day when we returned to Star City, he told me face to face. "Break up? You, you broke up with me again?" I was helping him clean up the house at the time, busy upstairs and downstairs, and he followed up and down like a shadow, and he had a showdown when he finally caught me stopping. Fortunately, I was still smiling at the time, so I said to him, "Are you kidding me?"

"I'm sorry, I'm talking about a formal...breakup." He stood in front of me and looked at me seriously.I just felt weak, and asked, as if instinctively, "Why?" "Because..." he sighed, his voice was suppressed and hoarse, "I'm going to register my marriage with Milan, and then go to Japan to settle down. I'm sorry, I came back this time to tell you about it, but I still don't know how to say it." "..." I listened, but I couldn't understand it. My mind was buzzing like thunder, and I felt like I had fallen into a deep ditch. I struggled and couldn't even breathe. I heard my own voice revealing a shrill despair: "Mochi, I don't understand what you're talking about, I really don't understand...what are you talking about..."

Geng Mochi looked at me, lowered his head in a disguised manner, and stared at his toes, as if talking to his toes: "I know, I can't get your forgiveness for anything I say, but I have no choice, I can only do this. Really , as long as there is a little way, I will not come to this step... Except for Jinyi, you are the one I am most sorry in my life." He trembled his lips, and his voice was low, but it was enough to tear me apart. His mouth opened and closed, and the words he read were like spells, "Kaoer, hate me, curse me, you can do whatever you want, I... I can't help it... I'm going back to Shanghai tomorrow, I'm sorry. "

I stared at him blankly, my dull brain thinking about how to react, scold him, beat him, or kill him?I really don't know how to deal with this ruthless and ruthless man. My heart was bouncing up and down just now, and it was torn together in an instant. I can almost feel the blood gushing out from the bottom of my heart. There was a burst of sweet and fishy smell. Maybe in the next second, I will spit out a mouthful of blood, and I will die in front of him!I was panting, I couldn't breathe, his face kept shaking and overlapping in front of my eyes, and I couldn't see him clearly at all.

"What's wrong with you, Kao'er?" He might be frightened by my appearance, so he hurried over to help me. I shook off his hand, moaned and gasped, "Don't touch me! Geng Mochi, do you believe that I will kill you? I will really kill you. Now, immediately, you will disappear from my sight. Don’t listen to a word of my explanation! You, you..." I staggered, the sky and the earth spun, I was shaking all over, there was no warmth in my body, and my teeth chattered from the cold, "Listen, I don't I will forgive you, and I will definitely die with you, whether it is going to heaven or hell... You go now, go right away, or I will die in front of you, I will not be able to control myself, you go!"

"Okay, I'll go, you can calm down. Don't do stupid things, I don't deserve you." He turned and walked towards the hall, panicked, as if I was a plague, and he was afraid that he would not be able to dodge in time. I stood by the coffee table and couldn't move. I watched him leave. When he held the doorknob, I asked in a hoarse voice: "Why, you have to give me a reason, right?" He stood at the door with his back to me, his body stiff, and he kept that posture for a long time without moving. It was very quiet all around, so quiet that it seemed as if we could hear each other's breathing.

"Because of Yesha." "Because of who?" When I heard this name, I felt like a lifetime away. He turned around slowly, and finally agreed to meet my eyes, "I'm sorry, Kaoer, I can't help it... Listen to me, Milan has something in his hand that may be bad for Yesha. She threatened me that if I don't follow She registered her marriage, and she announced those things to the public. I talked with her for a long time, including giving her a blank check for the amount to fill in. I promised to sell the two properties in Shanghai, the private villa in France, and the yacht in New Zealand. I gave it to her, and even promised to transfer 40% of the shares under my name to her. I can give her anything, and I can give up anything, as long as she is willing to let Yesha go...but she just refuses to compromise and has already given it to me. Issued an ultimatum..."

"Wait, you said that Milan has something in his hand, which is not good for Yesha, so she threatened you?" I interrupted him, the sudden blow made me unable to react, my chest was so tight that I couldn't breathe, " What is it that makes you have nothing to do with her?" "I'm sorry, I can't tell you too much. Anyway, what she has in her hand is enough to ruin Yesha's reputation. I don't care, but Yesha...she..." "She's dead!" I reminded him. "That's right, it's because she died that I had to do my best to protect her reputation. The dead also have dignity, not to mention that we were husband and wife after all. I owe her too much, and I can't make up for it in this life. , so no matter what, I must protect her, even if I risk everything I have, I will not hesitate!"

When he said this, there was a decisive coldness on his face. I looked at him, and my body shook even more. I wiped my face, and my hands were full of tears.I couldn't understand it at all, I really couldn't understand it, the whole person was like a fool, and asked him tremblingly: "You, you don't hesitate to take everything of yourself for a dead person, even abandoning the woman who loves you deeply, what are you doing?" What kind of logic is this, the living don’t save the dead? The dead have dignity, but I don’t?” "Kao'er! Please understand my position!"

"What's your position? Yesha is dead. I'm still alive. You can see clearly that I'm still alive! You're not afraid that I will die if you save Yesha. Do you think I'm invulnerable? You look like this For me, how do you let me live?" As if I suddenly found an exit, I burst into tears, "Geng Mochi, you are noble and great, and you and Yesha are deeply in love, but how can you trample on my self-esteem like this! Milan made it clear that she was challenging me. She registered her marriage with you just to demonstrate to me, to show that she has won me. She has always wanted to win me. You jumped into such an obvious trap with your eyes open. Where! Even if you register with Jin Yi, I have nothing to say, but you are with Milan! You are with Milan!" Geng Mochi stood at the door with his hands down, nodding his head, "Yes, I asked for it. In order to get revenge on you, I pulled Milan on to make that April Fool's joke with you. In fact, I regretted it at that time. Looking at Qi Shuli I regretted taking you out of the wedding scene, so I kept procrastinating and refusing to register as a legal couple with Milan. I even had a showdown with her. As long as this matter can be settled, I can give her a lot of money, Who knew that she was too greedy, and asked around for my will when I was seriously ill... She probably guessed that I didn't write her name on the will, so she pestered me endlessly, chasing me to Shanghai every day, I didn't know her Where did I get those manuscripts? If they fall into her hands, I can only be slaughtered by her. She will hold a press conference in Shanghai in three days. If I don’t go back to Shanghai to register with her before then, she will announce the manuscripts to the media. manuscript……" "What manuscript?" He hesitated and said nothing. Every time this issue comes up, he keeps silent, which shows that he has a strong sense of protection for Yesha. "LOVE series? Are those series really not written by Yesha?" I was actually skeptical when I saw that post on the Internet last time, but now I am even more convinced, "You were threatened by Milan for this matter. Want to register with her?" He might be a little tired from standing, so he sat on a small sofa by the door. His silence was an acquiescence. I stood by the sofa, with my back to the French windows in the living room, the cold wind poured in, I just felt cold, it was as cold as hell everywhere, I breathed the cold air with difficulty, and looked straight at the hall The man at the place felt a surge of pain in his heart. It was so painful, so painful that I was in a trance, as if I was on the verge of death. At this moment, I only had despair. "Geng Mochi, you are a very smart person, why are you so confused about this matter? There is no eternal secret in this world, and paper can't hold fire! Since those songs were not written by Yesha, you should openly announce them to the world. Well, isn’t concealment and deception more shameless than stealing the song itself? You can still be an umbrella for Yesha underground, if you are not here in the future, the truth will still surface sooner or later! Why can’t you figure it out?” At this point, I'm still dying, trying to convince him. Unexpectedly, he didn't listen at all, and argued hard, "It's not that I can't figure it out, but I can only do this. I can't help but watch Yesha die and be insulted by the world. I am her husband." , I didn’t give her happiness during my lifetime, and after she died, was it wrong for me to leave her innocent? If the person involved is Qi Shujie, can you ignore it?” "Don't mention this person to me!" I went crazy as soon as I heard the name, and shouted out of control, "I don't care about him, I don't care whether he is humiliated or not after he's dead, I'm crazy! Husband, cheating on his wife and letting her suffer such humiliation, I hate him too late, and I will sacrifice everything for him? Even if he is dug out and whipped to death, it is none of my business!" "Bai Kao'er! Can you leave some virtue for the deceased?" Geng Mochi snapped. These words hurt my heart more and more, I pointed at myself, tears rolled down, "Goodness? I was abandoned by my husband, and now I am abandoned by you, and you still talk about goodness with me? Geng Mochi, I am fine Self-restraint, I can’t keep smiling after being hurt by you again and again! Let me make it clear that Yesha’s reputation is your reputation. You are husband and wife and partners. One writes music and the other performs. Recognized as a model couple of Qin Se and Ming, the LOVE series is your joint work. If Ye Sha loses her reputation, you will not be able to escape, so you are willing to marry such a nasty woman as Milan in order to preserve your reputation for a while. You are so cowardly! You know I didn't know that you would make Milan even more powerful, she grabbed your handle, and you will be threatened by her for the rest of your life..." Geng Mochi didn't take it seriously, "I won't live long, I'm going to die anyway, I'll give her whatever she wants, as long as she's willing to let Yesha go. I'm cowardly or guilty, I caused it I have to take responsibility for today's situation. Kao'er, you can look down on me, you can scold me, I won't say anything about you..." "What about my death? If I die in front of you now, will you still marry Milan?" "Kao'er! It's enough for Milan to threaten me, why are you doing the same?" "I'm just like her. Don't forget that I have had a friendship with her for more than ten years. Do you understand that like attracts like?" When I said this, my mind was not very clear, and my heart seemed to be roasted on the fire. , my sanity has disappeared, I pointed to the artificial lake outside the living room terrace, "I can jump in right now and die for you to see, she can threaten you, I can do the same! I want to see whether you save the living or save the Dead man, if I die too, then your merits and virtues will be consummated!" Geng Mochi didn't notice my shattered rationality at all, he just thought I was speaking angrily, and stood up impatiently, "Is there any point in saying these words? Kao'er, you are not an unreasonable person." "I've never been reasonable. Don't try to reason with women. Women are inherently unreasonable! That's why a woman falls in love with a man indiscriminately. She is determined and becomes a brainless idiot! But you sanctimonious men, Dressed in the cloak of benevolence and morality, deceiving and hurting women into a moving Qiong Yao drama. Just say Yesha, you treated her badly when she was alive and let her go to a dead end, but you protect her when she is dead Come, this is very meaningful? If you knew this, why didn't you treat her better when she was alive? If you die, you can reflect on it, and I will die for you now!" Geng Mochi completely lost the patience to persuade me, and went to the door again to pull the door. He completely ignored my hysteria. The moment he opened the door, I turned around and ran towards the terrace without even thinking about it. On the side of the water, the design of this house is very unique. Outside the floor-to-ceiling windows of the living room is a long log terrace that extends all the way to the lake. It is very pleasant to bask in the sun or fish on the terrace when the weather is good on weekdays. It is also very beautiful to see the rain and mist on the lake through the floor-to-ceiling windows of the living room on rainy days. I like this house very much. During the few days when Geng Mochi returned to Star City, I basically They all stayed here and asked for leave to accompany him. I only went to change clothes every day at Yalanju, my own residence opposite. When Geng Mochi opened the door and went out, I had already jumped into the icy lake. At that moment, I didn’t think about anything, and my mind went blank. Although many people say that death requires courage, but in my opinion, living requires more courage. There is nothing more sad than Desperate!I don't know what else I can do other than jump into the lake. Could it be that I am alone guarding his empty house and waiting for him to come back. If he doesn't come back, I will cry until I die, and when he comes back, I will cry and beg him to kneel down for him?Don't most wives like to stage such a drama? No, this is not my style. To be honest, the feeling of drowning is not pleasant. Water poured in from all directions. The moment I fell into the water, I choked on water, and my ears, nose and eyes were all filled with water.I instinctively paddled my arms and legs in the water, but I couldn't swim, and my whole body sank like a weight. At that moment, I couldn't say that I didn't have fear. People have an instinctive fear of death, but even if it was fear, it was already gone. It was too late, because I felt more and more suffocated as I sank, my lungs seemed to be squeezed to the point of exploding, my chest was so tight that I couldn't breathe, and I soon lost consciousness. In fact, it cannot be said that I have no consciousness. I can feel the darkness and tranquility around me, as well as the coldness. There is the sound of gurgling water in my ears. Slowly, the darkness became deeper and deeper, and people became more and more ethereal. The discomfort of drowning became less intense, as if I had stopped struggling and was floating in the water.After being in a trance for half my life, I sighed and started a new breath at the bottom of the water, bubbling bubbles like a fish, and opened my eyes at the same time... It was like a vague dream in front of me, it must be a dream, a strange light suddenly appeared at the end of the darkness, I actually saw two people floating on the other side of the water, a man and a woman, both with snow-white faces, so white that there was no trace of blood , the man is undoubtedly Qi Shujie, his face is facing me, the woman has very long hair, covering most of her face like seaweed, she is wearing a long green dress floating in the water, her legs are slender, her arms are naturally Paddling, like a graceful water plant. They looked at me from the depths of the water, whispering to each other from time to time, as if discussing something. I tried my best to swim towards them, but Qi Shujie pulled Yesha to swim in the opposite direction. They were no longer human beings, but two underwater creatures, just like aquatic plants, fish and shrimps that are ubiquitous at the bottom of the water. I don't know if they have souls and perceptions, but I know that I can never enter their world, and even if I really die, I will never be able to get close to them. And I think Qi Shujie must have recognized me, even a dead soul should have a memory, because he looked back at me from time to time while swimming into the distance, with a faint smile on his pale face. why is he smiling at me? He didn't say a word, why did he just smile at me? Four years, I have never seen him in a dream, I don't know what I did wrong to make him hate me so much, he won't even give me an empty dream, resolutely in my world disappeared completely. I feel like I'm crying, the light is gradually fading, and I'm trapped in the cold dark world and I can't make a sound.This is exactly my sorrow. In the real world, I was abandoned by people. In the underground world, I was still ignored. It’s okay to fail as a human being, and to be so lonely as a ghost.I was desperate, the surroundings were endlessly dark, except for the sound of splashing water, I couldn't hear or see anything, my world had no light and no end.It can be seen that death is not the end of despair. In a world unknown to us, no one can guarantee that you will be able to obtain the rest of your soul after entering that world. For example, myself, it is like falling into the bottom of a dark well. The so-called love, the so-called life and death , In the end, it was just a gorgeous dream, all hopes and dreams were gone with the rushing water, I struggled in such darkness, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak, even crying became weak, no one could hear, and no one could hear me. People will save me. Die, just let me die like this... "Kao'er, Kao'er..." Faintly, I heard someone calling me, close to my ear, the voice was very familiar.I breathed heavily, I could no longer hear the sound of running water, and gradually there were vivid lights and shadows in my mind, and when I vaguely saw those lights and shadows, I had already opened my eyes.I saw Yingzhi lying on my bedside, her eyes were red and swollen, and there were tears on her face. The moment I opened my eyes, she called out: "Kao'er! Are you awake?" Almost at the same time, she jumped up and rushed towards me. Outside the ward, "Doctor! Doctor!..." Taking advantage of this gap, I slowly rolled my eyes to look around, and my eyes were full of dazzling white.Intuition here should be a hospital.It turned out that I was not dead, the window was half open, and there was faint sunlight coming in.The air was filled with the smell of disinfectant, and there was an IV bottle hanging on the infusion stand beside the bed. I felt uncomfortable in my nose. Only then did I realize that there was still an oxygen tube inserted into my nostril. It turned out that I relied on this to breathe.Not only the nose is uncomfortable, but I feel uncomfortable all over the body, especially the chest. Every time I take a breath, there is a tearing pain. I have a strong coughing feeling, but I can't cough it out. The doctors came in one after another and checked my vital indicators one by one. Sakura cried out of joy, and tremblingly called someone beside her, "Well, she woke up, she just woke up... Okay, I know, are you coming? Just come, okay, I'll wait for you..." When Yingzhi told me that I had been rescued for several days and nights, and that I was transferred from the ICU ward to the general ward yesterday, and that Geng Mochi had already returned to Shanghai, my tears flowed out. "Kao'er, forget about him, do you know that you almost lost your life, why are you bothering?" Yingzhi cried, "Geng Mochi actually didn't feel well when he left, his condition looks worse than yours. It’s not much better, when he accompanied you on the first night, he was infusion himself. He told me that he would take Milan to Japan so that she wouldn’t trouble you. He won’t live long. He wanted me to tell you , he will wait for you in another world, he can only be sorry for you in this life..." I looked at the snow-white ceiling, trembling my lips, unable to say anything. The pain in my chest made it hard for me to even breathe. Sakura took out a tissue and wiped my tears, and said: "Let yourself go, what kind of life have you said in the past few years, how many times have you escaped from death, think about your parents, at such an age, you really Want them to send the white-haired people to the black-haired people? I didn't dare to call your parents this time, because I was afraid that the old people would be stimulated. Kaoer, there are so many people who love you around you, can you treat yourself better? What? Mr. Qi also didn’t close his eyes for several nights. When your situation was most critical, he almost called a helicopter to send you to Beijing for rescue..." "Geng, when did Geng Mochi... leave..." "Kaoer, what are you asking him for? He's going to settle in Japan soon. He's already registered with Milan. Give up!" Yingzhi shook my shoulder, "Why aren't you sober, you're already like this I still miss him..." "Do you know that you almost died?" Half an hour later, Qi Shuli rushed to the hospital and said the same thing to me.He stood by the bed and clenched his hands into fists, as if he was trying his best to suppress the imminent emotion, "Your lungs are choked, causing respiratory failure. Although you have been rescued, you have been at the root of the disease for the rest of your life. What else are you going to do?" ?He and Milan were registered in Shanghai yesterday. They are a legal couple. The reality is in front of you. Why can’t you give yourself a way out? Dig a hole and bury yourself in it! Now, please live well and cherish every day of your life. Your life not only belongs to yourself, but also to the parents who gave birth to you and raised you. You have no right to take it away Walk!" "I, I can't swallow this breath... He would rather save the dead than save me, I just want an explanation." I was still gnashing my teeth, and my body was trembling pitifully. Qi Shuli sat on the chair next to my bed and held my cold hand from the infusion, "He also told me about the situation before he went to Shanghai. From the standpoint of a bystander, I think he did the right thing, although His wife is dead, but the dead also has dignity, even the dignity of the dead is better than the living, because the dead will not defend themselves, have no perception, no consciousness, so they should be respected by us living people, this is It's a kind of humanity. Geng Mochi must have been desperate to make such a decision. If he didn't marry Milan, the reputation of his wife Yesha would be ruined. He has no choice at all, which makes me feel bad about him Looking at it with admiration, this guy is quite affectionate. As for people like Milan who have no personality, no shame and no morals, they will not end well. We will wait and see. Kaoer, promise me that you will never do stupid things again. Do you know how I came here these days, you are too irrational, you do things without considering the consequences..." What Qi Shuli said later, I was already very vague, because I didn't want to hear anything.I turned my face and looked out of the window. The sun had disappeared and the sky had become overcast. The whistling wind and the beating of branches could be clearly heard in the ward. I heard Qi Shuli say beside me: "The weather forecast says It’s been snowing for two days and it’s very cold outside, you have to take care of your body and don’t catch a cold, otherwise your lungs will have serious problems.” In the next few days, people kept coming to the hospital to see me. Ah Qing and several colleagues came. On the weekend, Lao Cui and several other station leaders also came to the hospital to comfort me to take good care of my illness and not to worry about work. on heart.I know that the radio station is very busy at the end of the year. It is really unkind and guilty for me to be hospitalized at this time.Gao Peng came to see me almost every other day. He told me excitedly that his solo photography exhibition is already under preparation and is expected to open next spring. Many of his buddies are helping out. How important." Gao Peng said.I saw the rare excitement on Gao Peng's face, it was a kind of beautiful vision for the future, he was finally no longer the photographer who lived a mediocre life, this made me very happy, and it also relieved my inner pain to some extent pain. Now Gao Peng in turn comforts me, encourages me, and tells me jokes every time he comes. I am not so arrogant and condescending in face, and sometimes I even exchanged a few words with him, because every time Gao Peng came, I would be amused by him, but Qi Shu Lilai, I mostly kept silent. This made Qi Shuli very frustrated, "In your eyes, I am not even as good as a gangster?" He once asked me this way.I straightened my face immediately and reprimanded: "Please pay attention to your wording, Mr. Qi." Qi Shuli could only sigh, "I really don't want to die!" After I was discharged from the hospital, I was temporarily unable to work. The doctor told me to rest in peace and rest. The condition may relapse at any time, because my lungs were indeed choked, and if I didn’t pay attention, I would be infected and cause a series of complications such as pneumonia.For this reason, Qi Shuli specially assigned a private doctor for me, who was on call at any time. He was afraid that Xiaosi would not be able to take care of me when he was too young, so he even transferred Yingzhi to my side.But Yingzhi seems to be very busy. Every time she comes in a hurry, she leaves in a hurry, and she is very worried about the accounts of the construction site. She is afraid that she will not be responsible for any mistakes, so she keeps calling and calling when she comes. The colleague explained this and that, and had to go home every day to make dinner for Zhou Youji. I was embarrassed to keep her here and asked Qi Shuli to transfer her back to the construction site. Qi Shuli hesitated for two days and transferred her away, but not to the construction site. , but arranged for her to return to the company to continue to be responsible for the management of personnel files. Yingzhi was a little apprehensive about this, thinking that she had made a mistake in her work, which made me very sorry, but Qi Shuli said it was just a normal transfer of work, and told me not to worry. During this period, Jinyi called many times to inquire about my condition, her words were sad, and she choked up when she spoke several times. I learned from her that Geng Mochi would take Milan to live in Japan after New Year's Day. She spoke very carefully, I just kept silent, Jin Yi thought I was calm, but she didn't know that I was crying like rain on the other end of the phone. That night, Jin Yi called again and told me: "His sister has returned to China, and she may visit you." "I don't know his sister." "His sister is also my classmate. If you see her, you will definitely like her." "Why did she come to see me?" "Maybe Mochi has something that she needs to convey to you. Kao'er, I know I shouldn't say this, but I really don't want you to hate him. He even made arrangements for the funeral when he went to Japan this time. I didn't plan to come back." Jinyi said on the phone and broke down in tears, "He and Milan have an agreement to marry, and he asked Milan not to trouble you after his death, and to keep silent about Ye Sha's matter forever Otherwise, Milan has no right to inherit the inheritance. The only details I know are these two points. Kaoer, he really had no choice but to do this. He cherishes all the people he loves, including you. If you read his will, you will understand how much he loves you. In the first few days after returning from Star City, he came to me every day to tell me his confession to you. I grew up with him, and I never Seeing him so sad, he only has one breath left, Kao'er, forgive him, please..." "..." At the moment, I am sitting on the recliner in the bedroom. Through the floor-to-ceiling windows, I can see the opposite side of the water. The white building is as silent as a tomb under the night. There are two street lamps in the garden next to the house. I feel sorry for the two plants. The magnolia tree that I like very much was blown to one side by the strong wind, and almost broke in the middle. I looked at the two trees struggling to stand upright in the strong wind for a long time, and suddenly I was relieved. Trees have dignity, let alone people. Maybe I thought too much about my own feelings and ignored the pain in his heart. I let out a long breath, "Jinyi, I don't hate him anymore, it's our fate, it's useless for me to hate anyone. That's it, forget it. If you see him, please tell me, he When preparing the cemetery for myself, leave me a hole next to it. We will not be able to be together in this life. I hope that if we go underground in the future, I can be his companion. This request is not too much, Jin Yi? " "Kao'er!" Jin Yi cried loudly. Soon Qi Shuli returned to the United States to deal with the company's affairs. Without the daily routine greetings, I was much quieter and more at ease.A person's world is very quiet, so quiet that you can hear your own heartbeat.A lot of things slowly settled down, and I was suddenly at a loss. I didn’t understand how the things I had pursued so persistently turned out to be beyond recognition, and when I looked back at those things I experienced, they were actually just repeating some injuries, expectations, disappointments, and pains. , over and over again, endlessly... Fortunately, I have decided to let go, because I have deeply realized that love does not necessarily have results, it just proves that you have met someone in a certain time and space, and that is enough, isn't it? That evening, when I came back from a walk outside, as soon as I entered the door, I saw a young woman sitting on the sofa in the living room. She was dressed in a red dress, and her chestnut curly hair hung down to her chest, looking very charming.In particular, a pair of big eyes look forward to shine, like gems, making her whole face glow with a strange look.Seeing me coming in, she got up and smiled gracefully, "Hi, I'm Annie, Geng Mochi's younger sister." "You, hello." I nodded awkwardly, and before I had time to react, she came forward and gave me a big hug, "I've been hearing about you from my brother, but I finally saw you today, you are more beautiful than the photos." I was so excited that I didn't know what to do. I took her hand and looked up and down, "Annie, I often hear Mochi mentioning you, but I didn't expect you to come to see me." "I'm here to help my brother with some things, so I should come and see you." She affectionately pulled me to sit on the sofa, "Are you in good health, I feel that you are so skinny, wearing so much makes you look thin. " I did wear a lot, I took off my down jacket, and there was a small jacket inside. Since I was hospitalized, my body has been extremely weak and I am very afraid of the cold. Qi Shuli told me to take supplements every day, and bought me many expensive supplements, but still There's no way I can get back to my former rosy health.This is also the reason why I have never dared to go home. If my parents see me like this, they will definitely ask questions again. For a long time, Anne and I sat face to face on the sofa and looked at each other. Her eyes were so big, and her long and curled eyelashes flickered. She looked exactly like Audrey Hepburn, but her nose was not high enough, and she was a bit petty. But this does not affect her charm at all, because her lips are very thick and full, sexy and provocative, which to some extent makes up for the defect of her nose.I looked at her, and felt that she gave people a very complicated feeling. Her eyes were as pure as angels, but her lips had a seductive style that was completely opposite to innocence. I also fell in love with it. It's not easy. "Sure enough, you have an extraordinary temperament!" Annie obviously also examined me in her heart, she looked at me with a smile, "No wonder my brother likes you so much, you are much better than that woman." I lowered my head and fell into silence, overwhelmed by the rolling dark clouds in my heart, I really didn't know how to continue this topic.Annie was very smart, she got up and took out a lot of things from the luggage bag next to the sofa, diverting my attention without any trace. "Jinyi asked me to bring these to you. They are good for your health. You should remember to eat them. Jinyi was going to come too, but her clinic was very busy and she couldn't leave." Annie heard from many He pulled out a red plaid scarf from his gift, "This is from me, I hope you like it." "Thank you." The scarf is cashmere, very warm, and I can't put it down. "It's made of New Zealand's specialty wool. It's not bad." Annie was very happy to see that I liked it. "Well, it's very soft." After only a short time together, I was already attracted by Annie's straightforward personality, and I didn't feel the strangeness of meeting for the first time at all, as if we were old friends for many years, and this time it was just a reunion after a long absence.I asked her, "Are you from New Zealand?" "Yes, I spent Christmas in New Zealand." "Is Aunt Shen okay?" "It's good, my mother always praises you, and my brother always mentions you, which makes me always curious about you." Annie looked at me with her chin propped up, "You are really good-looking, and you are the same type as Jinyi, that's all. Xiuxiuqi, you don't know, Jinyi and I have played together since childhood, we are as close as sisters!" I suddenly became interested, "Then can you tell me about your childhood?" "Of course, we can talk about our affairs for three days and three nights, as long as you don't get bored." Annie is really straightforward, without the slightest affectation that beautiful girls are used to, and about her past with Jinyi and Geng Mochi, use her It is actually not complicated to describe in words.After being adopted by Geng Mochi's mother, Annie has been living a life without worrying about food and clothing, and has received meticulous care from Geng's mother. Her best playmate in childhood was He Jinyi. Jinyi's father and Geng Mochi's mother are very good friends, my lord Walking around a lot, the children naturally played together, and Ye Sha's parents are family friends with the Xia family (Geng Mochi's stepfather's surname is Xia), and Ye Sha once learned piano under the guidance of Geng's mother, so Ye Sha also He has known Geng Mochi since he was a child, but Geng Mochi didn't like Ye Sha, it seemed to be deeply rooted, and he didn't like her since he was a child. On the contrary, he was very close to the timid and shy Jin Yi, and took care of Jin Yi like a younger sister. 后来耿母跟随丈夫移居新西兰，把安妮也带了过去，不久叶家也移民新西兰，两家人在惠灵顿住得很近，关系比在国内更好了。耿墨池当时已经成年，并未随母亲去新西兰，而是一个人远赴法国留学，几年后叶莎也追随耿墨池到了巴黎。叶莎的心思两边家长都很清楚，她从小爱慕耿墨池，两边的家长都在撮合他们，只是耿墨池对此事的态度一直很冷淡，没有直接拒绝，大约是顾全叶莎和两边家长的面子。当时耿墨池已经是声名远扬了，那期间他回国了一次，安妮说，不知道那次回国发生了什么，耿墨池一返回巴黎就跟叶莎匆匆结婚，让家人都很意外。 “到底发生了什么？”我问安妮。 安妮耸耸肩，“我也不清楚，因为我当时也不在国内，这大概只有他们两个人知道了。不过就在我哥从上海返回巴黎的那天，瑾宜在去机场的路上遭遇了车祸，差点连命都没了。” "So that's how it is." “是啊，我一直很遗憾，我哥当时怎么没娶瑾宜而娶了叶莎，你可能不知道，我哥那次回国是准备把瑾宜接到巴黎去的，因为瑾宜当时刚刚丧父，我妈还有我哥都不放心她一个人在这边生活，你想也想得到，我哥接瑾宜去巴黎心里肯定是有打算的，他在巴黎为瑾宜安排好了一切，为她找好了学校，安排住处，吃的用的穿的，包括保姆全都请好了，谁知道他们最后竟然没在一起。唉，如果他们当时结婚就好了，后面的那些事也就不会发生，起码叶莎不会死。虽然我从小就不喜欢叶莎，不过她死了我心里也不好受，我知道我哥待她一直很冷漠，婚后多年他们都没有小孩，我哥拒绝生孩子，因为没有爱嘛，所以不想生。” 一说到孩子，我就低下了头，感觉自己是个罪人。 我真后悔，如果当初没有失掉那个孩子，起码给耿墨池留下了一脉骨血，将来哪怕他不在了，他的生命仍然会在他的孩子身上延续，而我竟然那么残忍，亲手杀死了他的孩子。我不怪他恨我，连我自己都无法原谅自己，这些日子我经常会想到那个夭折的孩子，半夜梦醒，枕畔都是湿的，这种悔恨已经无法用言语形容。 墨池，对不起。 第二天，我带安妮去火宫殿吃臭豆腐，又带着她到城里转了转，让我意外的是安妮并不是第一次来星城，她说中学放暑假时耿墨池带她来过。安妮建议：“我们去落日山庄看看吧。”我当即同意，因为我也很想去那里看看。 我们是下午动的身，我找同事借了车，开得很慢，赶到山庄时已经是傍晚，感觉落日山庄又苍老了许多，墙上的青苔蔓延到了屋顶，这房子是真的年代久远了，正如我的爱情，也年代久远了，怕是再也难起死回生。 晚上，我跟安妮挤在一张床上睡，我们兴致勃勃地聊天，安妮除了讲小时候的事情，还说了很多国外的生活情况，我也谈了谈自己的生活，很快我们发现有很多的东西是我们共同感兴趣的，我们原来有这么多的共同之处，难怪一见如故。 乡下的天气很糟糕，夜里又是风又是雨，到凌晨的时候居然下起了雪，这是今年冬天的第二场大雪，头场大雪是在我住院的时候下的。 屋子里的暖气开得很足，温暖如春，而窗外却是风雪交加，大朵大朵的雪花扑在玻璃上，瞬间融成小小的水珠，顺着玻璃流淌下来，看上去像是哭泣的泪痕。 安妮半躺在柔软的靠枕上，望着窗外纷飞的雪花陷入回忆，“嗳，这让我想起当年巴黎的那场雪呢，我从上海回巴黎，当时我哥跟叶莎刚结婚没多久，两个人一直是半分居状态，我哥经常夜不归宿，叶莎一个人守着郊外那栋空荡荡的别墅，我没有见她哭过，但我知道她一定不幸福。没有爱情的婚姻，是很可怕的。不过我当时可一点也不同情她，我恨死了她，因为我从小就希望瑾宜能嫁给我哥，为此我做了很多傻事，甚至还逼着我哥发誓，这辈子非瑾宜莫娶，我哥拿我一点办法也没有，但我知道他心里其实是默认的。他很喜欢瑾宜，这种喜欢应该不单单是爱情，可能也有亲情，考儿，你不会吃醋吧？” 我笑着摇头，“不会，我也很喜欢瑾宜。” “嗯，她确实蛮招人喜欢的，就是太老实，胆子也小，所以从小就被叶莎欺负，我一直很罩着她，为了她没少跟叶莎打架。” “你这么不喜欢叶莎？”我从她的语气里一直感受到这种强烈的情绪。 “是不喜欢，非常不喜欢。她出身高贵嘛，家里很有钱，所以总喜欢在我跟瑾宜面前摆谱儿，把自己当公主了。我就是看不惯她千金大小姐的派头，因为我的出身不好，我连我亲生父母是谁都不知道，我懂事之前的记忆都留在了福利院。至于瑾宜，也是出身贫寒，自幼父母离异，她跟着父亲生活，而她父亲不过是个调音师，收入微薄，要不是我妈一直接济着他们父女俩，瑾宜根本上不了那么好的学校。这大概就是我跟瑾宜走得比较近的原因，同病相怜嘛。”安妮抚弄着我的头发，若有所思，“不过考儿，虽然我不喜欢叶莎，但是她毕竟死了，她这一生也蛮悲惨的，所以我也不希望她死后名誉受损，我知道我不是什么好人，可是在这件事上我觉得我哥……有他做人的原则，站在他的角度他没有错，你别误会，我不是要偏袒我哥，我是实话实说。” 我黯然道：“这事你就别说了，都到了这地步说这些已经没有意义，我尊重他的选择。不过安妮，LOVE系列曲真的不是叶莎写的吗？米兰到底手上拿了什么东西让墨池这么忌讳啊？我听墨池说过，好像是什么手稿……” “考儿，不要问了，我不会说的。我不说的原因不是因为不信任你，而是出于对死者的尊重，亡者为大，我们就不要谈论这事了，我答应了我哥的。”与耿墨池一样，安妮对这件事同样很忌讳，她看着我说，“我哥为了平息这件事不惜跟米兰结婚，他已经经历了一次无爱的婚姻，这次又重蹈覆辙，你可以想象他有多痛苦，若不是情非得已，他会走这条路吗？” 见我不吭声，安妮忙又转移话题，“不说这个了，给你看我小时候的相册吧，很有意思的。”说着她翻身下床，捧出两大本影集摊到床上，一一指给我看。照片中的安妮俏皮可爱，眼睛从小就那么大，像个洋娃娃。我感觉她很幸福快乐，每一张照片她都是笑着的，永远穿着蕾丝花边的连衣裙，扎着纱质的蝴蝶结，但是很奇怪，照片最小也是她八岁时候照的，一两岁的照片一张也没有。我问她，她笑了笑，说：“我八岁才到墨池家，之前的成长记录我一概没有。” 我唏嘘不已，“那真遗憾。” “我这一辈子的遗憾多了去了，我快乐，又好像不快乐，我甚至不知道自己为什么活着，我觉得自己是个迷路的孩子，我应该是那边的，却来到了这边，我在这边总也忘不了那边，但我知道我回不去，我永远也无法再回到那边……” “什么这边那边？”我不知所云。 “你不懂，也不需要懂。” “你也可以找个相爱的人结婚嘛。” "impossible." "why?" “因为我是同性恋。” "what?" “开玩笑的啦，哈哈哈……” 早上醒来，银装素裹的山庄在阳光下闪闪发亮，我跟安妮兴奋极了，起床就开始打雪仗，一直疯到吃午饭。安妮显然对山庄的记忆深刻，给我指认她儿时留下的每处印记，她在墙上的涂鸦，她儿时爬过的围墙，她跟耿墨池在院子里种的枣树，她都一一指认给我看。虽然被大雪掩埋，但我却无比眷恋地跟着安妮搜寻那些记忆，因为我知道这里也是耿墨池童年生活的地方，每个角落也一定有他留下的印记。听安妮说，耿墨池就是在这山庄出生的，他的父亲则是在山庄去世，骨灰就埋在后院的那株海棠树下。这让我很诧异，上次来山庄，我并未听耿墨池提及，我很好奇，“为什么埋在树下？” 安妮摊手，“我也不知道。” 那株海棠树想来很有些岁月了，树干要两个人才能合抱得住，枝丫被大雪压得累累向下，而树底下也是深深的积雪，洁白无瑕。 我不忍踏足，因为地下埋着耿墨池的父亲。 吃完午饭，安妮出门去拜访附近的老亲戚，都是耿墨池母亲的娘家人，本来要拉我去，可我因为上午在雪地里玩得太久有些受寒，又开始咳嗽起来了，安妮只得一个人去。 整个下午，我都站在二楼卧室的窗户前看着楼下院子里的那株海棠树，心情抑郁，安妮回来时已是傍晚，她说本来要在亲戚家里吃饭，但想到我一个人在山庄里就回来了。我笑着说：“你真有良心。”“哈，你是第一个说我有良心的人，瑾宜有没有告诉过你，我心肝都是黑的？”安妮笑嘻嘻地搭住我的肩，又拉我到她的房间闲聊。 聊了一会儿，她拿出儿时的画给我看。她很有天分，每一张画都很有意境，让我吃惊的是，那些画几乎全是相似的场景，是一个湖，那湖被画成了各个季节，我印象最深刻的是一张冬日的湖，湖边树上的树梢挂满冰花，湖面结了冰，很多孩子在冰上嬉戏。我想起了耿墨池跟我说过安妮喜欢画湖的事，原来是真的。 “你这湖画的是哪儿呢？”我端详着一张绿柳拂岸的湖问她。“不是哪儿，是我想象中的，梦境中的。”安妮躺在床上看着天花板，眼睛很空，神情难以捉摸。 “是不是跟你的童年有关呢？” "Maybe." “你的童年是什么样子的？” “不记得了。” "Can not remember?" “不记得了，什么都不记得了。” 据安妮说，她只记得被耿家收养后的生活状况，之前她还被一户人家收养过，是什么样的人家，她完全没了印象，好像那段记忆被她整个地丢失了，无论她如何苦苦追忆，丢失了的就再也找不回来了。好在现在的养父母很爱她，因为她是他们家唯一的女儿，格外受宠，只是养父之前已经有过一次婚姻，跟他的前妻生有三个儿子，耿墨池母亲嫁到夏家之前也已经有了墨池，这个大家庭外表看似很和睦，实际是一点亲情概念也没有，因为大家都没有什么血缘关系，还好安妮很讨人喜欢，到了他们家后一直过着公主般养尊处优的生活…… 安妮对此不置可否，她说她这些年过得很混乱，她的生活就像一阵风，吹到哪儿是哪儿，没有方向没有目标，遇到好的风景，她也会停下来驻足欣赏，但决不留根，新鲜感一过她又飘向另一个未知的世界。我问她，难道你的心里没有牵挂吗？总有你想念的人或事吧？她说她的心像一座坟，值得她想念或牵挂的人和事早已深埋其中，死了的东西是没有生命力的，所以她的心里很空。 “你真的不记得之前收养你的那户人家了吗？” "do not remember." “那你还记得什么呢？” “湖，我就记得有个湖，还有桂花树，我记得小时候我住的那户人家门前有棵很大的桂花树，还有……好像还有一个山谷，山谷里的风很大，总是把我的帽子吹得好远，总是……有人帮我捡回来，是谁帮我捡的呢，我一直在想那个人，就是想不起来他是谁……哦，那顶帽子，我记得那顶帽子，是草编的，帽檐上还系着很好看的粉红色蝴蝶结。” “你的童年一定很快乐，我想象得出来。”我被安妮的回忆打动了。 “不，好像不是很快乐，”安妮摇着头说，“每次一回忆过去我就有一种说不出的忧伤，我现在的性格很大程度上是受那段记忆的影响……童年对我来说只剩了个模糊的影子，在我来到耿家之前的那段记忆完全丢失了。”安妮摇着头，神情落寞。 “没试着去找吗？记忆丢失了可以找得回来啊。”我越听越心疼。 “怎么会没试着找呢，我一直在找，找了十几年，越找越模糊，能记起来的东西也越来越少。我问过心理医生，为什么会有这种情况，医生说是我的潜意识里在排斥过去的那段记忆，那段记忆肯定是我人生中很重要的一段经历，并对我的生活产生了不可磨灭的影响，可能是愉快的记忆，也可能是悲伤的记忆，在我的潜意识里最想记住又最想忘记……因为思想斗争得太厉害，压力太大，神经系统就自然地删除了那段记忆，就跟电脑里删除一个文件一样……” 我不想再问什么了，当一个人连过去都忘记了，不知道自己从何而来，也不知道自己去向何处的时候，还需要去揭她的伤疤吗？可怜的安妮！ “忘了就忘了吧，忘却跟记忆一样，都是人的本能，”我疼惜地抚摸着安妮柔亮的卷发说，“不要再想过去的事，好好把握现在的生活才是最重要的，我希望你快乐……” 安妮四天后离开星城返回上海，临行前我陪她去了趟长青墓园，安妮说叶莎去世时她没能赶过来，去看看墓地也算是了却一桩心事。墓园同样是白雪皑皑，铅色的天空下，远山像一条洁白的玉带镶在天边，近处的山坡和树林也被白雪装扮成一个洁白的世界，举目望去，墓碑上均覆盖着厚厚的积雪，像是戴了顶白色的帽子，山谷间呼啸着狂风，天地间除了风声再也听不到其他的声音，此情此景让我想起中的一句话：好一个白茫茫大地真干净！ 安妮看到叶莎和祁树杰的墓碑并排而立，没有表示出丝毫的诧异，可能她并不知道与叶莎一同自杀的那个人就是祁树杰吧，就像耿墨池起初也不知道祁树礼就是祁树杰的哥哥一样，这场悲剧带给太多人伤痛，很多细节大家都是本能地在回避。安妮虽然口口声声说不喜欢叶莎，但我看得出来她其实也很难过，她径直将事先买好的鲜花轻轻放到叶莎的墓前，又用手轻轻拂去墓碑上覆盖着的积雪，伫立片刻，她先是一声长叹，继而对着叶莎的墓碑说了很长的一段话： “叶莎，很抱歉，我到现在才来看你。真没想到，是以这样的一种方式来看你。还记得我们最后一次见面吗？那次我们大吵一架，我说我一辈子都不想再见到你，你说你死了也不想见我，我都不记得我们当时是因为什么吵架了，可是你说的这句话我一直记得，那次见面不久后你真的死了，而我一直犹豫要不要来看你。因为我知道你不喜欢我，就像我也不喜欢你一样，我们从小就彼此厌憎，看都不愿朝对方看，你老是骂我野丫头让我愤恨，而我总是阻挠你接近我哥，也让你心怀怨恨，叶莎，你现在躺在地下该想明白了吧，你这一生的悲剧就是因为你爱错了人，你不该爱我哥，更不该嫁给他，你嫁给任何一个平常人哪怕没有我哥富有没有我哥帅都会比现在的下场好！你死了倒是解脱了，而我哥只剩半条命了还在承受痛苦，他又娶了个不爱的女人，你说当年我阻止你嫁给我哥到底有没有错，你若听了我的，何至于大家都这么惨？ “今天我站在这里面对你，其实很悲伤，因为我不知道我哥还能活多久，连医生都没把握，他的病已经无药可治。我只希望将来你们若在另一个世界相遇，请你不要打搅他，就当不认识他一样，这辈子大家已经这么惨了，如果有下辈子，我唯愿大家都不认识。 “如果有下辈子，我希望你能遇上一个真心爱你的人，你可以不必美貌，不必聪明，不必富有，也可以不必有多成功，但你身边一定不能没有爱你的人，你这辈子缺的就是爱，希望来生可以弥补遗憾，我希望你幸福。 “叶莎，你还恨我吗？” ... 安妮说完这么长的一段话，表情平静，眼底却泛滥着悲伤。她转过身看着我，走上前握了握我冰冷的手，淡然道：“回去吧，你冻坏了。” "Annie..." “别哭，我不想看到你的眼泪。从今以后我希望所有我爱着的人都幸福，没有眼泪，没有悲伤，也包括你，考儿。” 回城的路上，因为露面结冰，我将车开得很慢。安妮坐我旁边，一直很沉默，看着车窗外蒙眬的雪景出神。回到市区的时候已经中午，我们找了家酒楼吃饭，安妮依然不大说话，她开了瓶红酒给我斟满，举起酒杯，“来，我敬你一杯，下午我就要走了，不知道我们什么时候还能再见面，希望下次我见到你的时候，你的气色能好些。” 我跟她碰了杯，一饮而尽。 “知道我为什么要去看叶莎吗？”放下酒杯，安妮突然问。 我看着她，摇摇头。 “因为昨晚我哥给我打电话，说他前几天梦见了叶莎，叶莎找他哭诉，说我们都不爱她，没有人在乎她，还说安妮到了星城都不去看她，她很悲伤。我哥就叫我无论如何要去墓地看看叶莎，他说他去日本后可能再也回不来了，我们都在国外，叶莎一个人留在这里，很可怜。所以今天一早我就决定去墓地，谢谢你陪着我去，我原以为你不愿意去的。” 我沉吟着没吭声，许久才说：“安妮，恨一个人恨到绝望的时候就没力气恨了，事情已经过去这么久，我都不愿意去想了。我很认可你说的那句话，如果有来生，我唯愿我们都是陌生人，在各自的轮回里平静地生活，没有眼泪，没有背叛，没有伤害，享受着平常人最最平常的幸福。” 安妮握住我的手，突然哽咽，“考儿，我必须求你，如果有来生，你可以和任何人成为陌生人，但一定不包括我哥！你知道我来星城的时候我哥怎么跟我说的吗，他说他下辈子一定一定要比任何人更早地遇见你，你们只能是彼此的唯一，他一定会好好弥补今生对你的亏欠……” “他并不欠我什么，安妮。”我异乎寻常的平静，“我们走到今天这个地步，已经很难说谁对谁错了，每个人都有选择自己生活的权利，只要无愧于心，谁都不欠谁。至于来世能不能相遇，谁知道呢，今生的事都没办法把握，还谈什么来世，不过是图个心理安慰罢了。” “可是这话你不能跟我哥说，他已经被医生宣判了死期，他撑着一口气没咽不过是心里还放不下你，他把米兰带走，他安排后事，都是想让你后半生生活无忧。你可能不知道，在他跟米兰注册之前他已经将自己名下相当大的一笔财产都划到了你的名下，因为注册之后他的财产就不属于他一个人了，至少有一半是要与米兰共享的，过几天就会有律师来找你办理相关的手续。” 我终于哭出了声，“人都快不在了，还要那么多钱干什么，生不带来死不带去。我不要，我什么都不要……” “考儿，你别推辞，你就让我哥安安心心地走好吗？而且你也不要太灰心，我哥之所以选择去日本定居是因为我有个叔叔在日本，他是很著名的心脏病大夫，在全亚洲都是首屈一指的，我哥过去可以得到很好的治疗，只要有一线希望，我叔叔都会尽全力给他医治。” "Really?" "real." 吃过午饭，安妮回彼岸春天拿了行李就直奔机场了，送她去机场的路上她又跟我说：“在水一方的产权也已经划到了你的名下，你有空就帮忙照料下那房子，你自己住或者将你家人接过来住都可以，我哥还有些私人物品这次我都带了过来，存放在他书房。”安妮说着从手袋里掏出一个信封，递给我，“这是我哥专门为你录的一张光盘，是他最喜欢弹的一首曲子，你想他的时候可以听听。” “什么曲子？LOVE主题曲？” “不，是《心之弦》。” “《心之弦》？” “嗯，因为这首曲子从未进过录音棚，是一首私人作品，所以市面上你能买到的专辑里没有，我哥特意录下来给你听。”安妮看着我，欲言又止，“这曲子不属于LOVE系列，但它跟LOVE系列曲的作者是同一个人。” "..." 晚上，我在灯光下仔细端详那张光盘，素色的光盘封套上用钢笔写着一行小字，“谨以此曲献给我最爱的考儿”，同时标明了“作曲：HCX 演奏：耿墨池”。 “HCX”应该是姓名的缩写，是谁呢？ male or female? 不过这已经不重要了，重要的是这是耿墨池专为我演奏的，而且安妮还特别交代我，除了自己私下听，不得在任何场合播放这首曲子，也不得将曲子转借给任何人，更不能跟外人透露任何有关这首曲子的信息，因为这是曲作者的要求。这让我很紧张，播放曲子的时候格外小心翼翼，生怕弄坏了，以前不是没有听耿墨池弹过这首曲子，只觉得旋律优美，但此刻通过音响来听感觉又格外不同，觉得那曲子如泣如诉，仿佛是秋日里簌簌的风声，缥缈空灵，叫人心伤。 我闭着眼睛斜躺在沙发上，神思慢慢随着旋律游离，好似置身一片寂静的旷野上，荒草萋萋，风声吟唱，走过窸窸窣窣的草丛，蒲公英轻舞飞扬，望断天涯的忧伤比那风还凄冷绝望。可是我知道一定还有人比我更绝望，这一别就是永诀，曲终人散的悲剧今生今世已经注定，而我连送别的机会都没有，只能在心里放逐悲伤，尽情地想念，尽情地哀恸，曲子尚在尾声，我抱着靠枕缩在沙发上就已泣不成声。 播完后是几分钟的停顿，然后传来一声轻咳，我骇得从沙发上坐起，屏息静听，以为是错觉，可是紧接着又是一声咳嗽，清晰无比。 “考儿，是我。” 我呆了，瞪大眼睛看着音响，原来里面还有录音！ “你一定以为是鬼魂在说话吧，别害怕，我还没死，虽然已经离死不远了。我不知道你会不会听到这段录音，也许你拿到光盘转手就会丢掉，你有多恨我，我知道。从星城回来的这些天我身体很不好，每天都吃很多的药，可是又不想躺在医院里，那里总让我想到死亡，我不是害怕死亡，而是我并不想死在那个地方。自从叶莎去世，我对医院更是厌恶到恶心，因为我就是在医院太平间见到了叶莎的遗体，她浑身浮肿，脸更是肿胀到变了形，至今想来都让我胃部不适，那样的叶莎根本就不是我记忆中的妻子。她一向很注重自己的形象，在