Chapter 28 Dignity to live and dignity to die

I can't describe the physical and mental torture I endured under the dark ruins. If I was crushed to death at that moment, it would be over and there would be no problem. The dead don't feel anything. Grief and pain are left to the living.This is a very selfish thought.Yes, I thought about suicide, but I couldn't find a way to kill myself, that is to say, I didn't even have the ability to kill myself. But I quickly gave up the idea of ​​suicide. Suicide has no dignity! That is betraying life. In my forty-plus years of life, I have had two suicidal thoughts. One of those times was when May was leaving.On the day she left, I didn't go to see her off. When I heard the plane she was flying over the top of our military office building, I stood up abruptly and stretched out my hand, trying to grab something, but I didn't grab anything. live.That day, I was demented all day, and there was still her breath in the room, as well as the things she used.We met in Beijing in July, and love is in full swing like the scorching sun in July.She was twenty at the time, and I was only twenty-five.Or a little blind, or we don't know the cruelty of life, not everything is possible with love, but we are in love after all.Our love died with her departure. During that time, I was always in a trance, as if my soul had been sucked out by the devil.One night, I tried to cut the arteries in my hands with a razor blade.Just when I was about to do it, comrade Chen Qiang knocked on the door of my room, and the blade in my hand fell to the ground.Holding a bottle of white wine and a pack of braised goose meat in his hand, Chen Qiang said to me with a smile: "What are you doing there? Have a drink! Get rid of your worries." That night, we talked a lot while drinking.When he learned that I had suicidal thoughts, he yelled at me: "Are you still a fucking man? I always thought you were a man, but I didn't expect you to be a coward! Men die standing up, suicide is nothing! "After he was gone, I threw the blade in the trash.Yes, there is no dignity in suicide, it is a betrayal of life.

In this dark night, I naturally thought of her, and of her helpless expression. I also thought of Hao Lin. They are also the pain in my heart! I wanted to say goodbye to them before I stopped breathing, but there was nowhere to say goodbye. ... My father has always been a man of dignity in my mind. There is no distinction between high and low in human dignity. His father's first name was Li Wenyou, and his younger name was Huo Guisheng.He lived his whole life by farming and making tofu in his hometown of western Fujian.The taciturn father seldom chatted with others. In my memory, he always worked silently by himself.When he was young, his body was very strong. I remember that when he was working in the fields during the scorching heat, he always had his thick back exposed to the sun, and the sweat dripped from his back and soaked his pants.My father never begs for anything, he does what he can, and he doesn't force what he can't do. In my father's dictionary, there is no such word as "begging".No matter how difficult or bitter the things I should do, I will do it silently with my back straight!This is what I have inherited from him, and I will not beg for what I cannot get.

Father has his principles of life.He wants what should be his, and he won't even think about what is not his.At that time, he worked as the secretary of the production team. At that time, the custodian of the production team, Li Luchang, had a good relationship with him. Later, Li Luchang was arrested for corruption. Some people suspected that my father also had problems. The team investigated him to see if he was colluding with Li Luchang.It turned out that my father was innocent, and no matter how I checked, I couldn't find any problems.The members of the production team all sided with his father, saying that he was an honest man, and it was impossible for him to embezzle with Li Luchang.Relying on the background of two years of private education, my father managed the accounts in the production team in order.Today, many years later, he still keeps the account books that he kept when he was a production team in those years. He told me that he is not afraid to check him anytime!In the great flood that year, he risked his life to snatch the ledger from the plastic bag just for two words: "Innocence"!

My father worked hard all his life, exhausting his efforts for our four sons and two adopted daughters. Responsibility is always on his shoulders. Father has never been afraid of anything! He never bullies others, but does not allow others to trample on his dignity. He regards his dignity as more important than his life! We brothers have inherited many virtues from our father. We all feel that we should live like our father, with a frank and honest life and withstood the test.But I lost a lot of good things in the journey of life, and I sank in the age of materialism.Whenever I do something unscrupulous, I feel that it is an insult to my father.My father's personality charm affects my behavior all the time.

My father seldom beat us brothers, but once he almost slapped me deaf.That was when I was twelve years old, I had a fight with a neighbor's child, and I lost the fight. In a rage, I rushed to the neighbor's house with a stone in my arms, and smashed his pot.That night, I came home very late.I was about to sneak into the house, but my father who was waiting in the hall stopped me.Father was sullen and trembling.I stood there knowing something was wrong.He snatched me up like an eagle catching a chick, gritted his teeth and said, "What good thing did you do today?" I lowered my head, not daring to speak out.My father roared angrily: "Tell me, what good thing did you do today!" I couldn't say anything, and my father raised his palm like a cattail fan and slapped me on the left side of the face.I heard a sharp wind, and then my left ear buzzed, and my head became dizzy... My father said: "When you go out to fight with people, you have to admit defeat if you lose, and don't be complacent if you win, but How can you smash someone's pot! Do you know, that is the behavior of a rogue! You have completely embarrassed me!"

I know that my father has good intentions. He wants me to be an upright and dignified person who can afford to lose and win. Dignity in life is as important as dignity in death. If my father knew that I was buried in the ruins because I couldn't bear the pain and tortured myself, he would definitely say: "How can you do this!" If my father knew that my death was because the blood had dried up and he couldn't hold on anymore, he would express his feelings for me with silent sadness. When I think of my father, I feel very sad. For more than forty years, I haven't become a human being, and I haven't comforted his old soul, but I died on the way of wandering. This is not the result he wants to see.In front of him, I am not a responsible person. Whether it is to him, my mother, or my daughter, I have not fulfilled my responsibilities.

Can I die like this?