Chapter 17 memory of death

I have always thought that I am a person who is not afraid of death. Because I have seen the death of too many people, and I have also lingered before the gate of hell. After the two men left, I didn't hear a human voice for a long time.My heart is getting colder.I thought about death again. I said in the Internet: "Death is the beginning of another road." Is there really another way for my soul and body to pass? I thought about my grandfather's death. That was the first time in my life that I faced death directly. I was seven years old that year. It was a spring morning, and I was by my grandfather's side.I have been with him for a long time.I woke up very early and looked at my grandpa lying on the bed. His gray face was unshaven and so thin that only a layer of skin remained.In those days, seeing his face and blank eyes made me very sad.He loves me as much as grandma.When I was young, I didn't know that his life was on the verge of extinction, and his heart was always struggling with death.

Grandpa suffered a lot all his life. In the early years, he and his grandmother served in the Red Army. There are many people in the Red Army, and there are also many bandits. They are all poor people!Grandpa became paralyzed in his fifties.After he was paralyzed, he couldn't work and won't make money, so he was hated by others. Even his family bullied him, because he had a bad temper and always attracted reprimands!When others reprimanded him, he would tremble with rage, unable to move but yell at them.Yelling is useless, and no one is afraid of a paralyzed man, however powerful he may have been before.Grandpa's yelling in exchange for intensified bullying, they will beat grandpa.

As long as I find out who is bullying Grandpa, I will jump up and fight him desperately.I am not afraid of anyone!I have never been afraid of anyone since I was a child!But I can't be with my grandfather all day long to protect him. I have to go to school and do a lot of work for the family.Whenever I was free, I stayed with my grandfather and helped him do everything. I even scrubbed his shit and pee in his crotch. I never hated him. Grandpa's last days were painful. I understand Grandpa's pain, but I can't bear the pain for him. He often sees the sadness written on my face. At that time, he will look very kind. He will stretch out his thin hand, touch my head and say, "Min'er, don't think too much. A kind of fate is predestined."

It never occurred to me that Grandpa would die that spring morning. It was a gloomy morning, and I heard the cry of the dead ghost bird early in the morning.The dead ghost bird is a black bird in our hometown in western Fujian. It is said that it can smell the smell of death. As long as it flies to the eaves of someone's house and whines, it will be a disaster for that family.The wailing of the dead ghost bird didn't make me feel anything bad, because my attention was on Grandpa's face. At that time, the dead ghost bird didn't seem to exist in my eyes. It was only later that I discovered the magic power of the dead ghost bird. For a long time, I thought that the soul of Grandpa was taken away by the dead ghost bird.In those days, I would deliberately look for the dead ghost bird, hoping that it could bring back Grandpa's soul.

I suddenly watched grandpa panting heavily and rhythmically, his cheeks puffed up and then held back, his eyes were wide open, looking straight at me, and muddy tears slowly seeped from the corners of his eyes . I felt bad, he stretched out his hand and touched me, his hand was already as cold as ice, I watched his hand collapse and never raised it again.His hands used to be so strong.I yelled, and when grandma and the others rushed over, grandpa had already closed his eyes forever. He touched me when he died, and I watched him go out like an oil lamp, and I couldn't cry.For the first time in my life, I watched my loved ones die, and there was nothing I could do.For the first time, I know what despair is!Even at the funeral, I didn't cry.Seeing that I was not crying, my aunt slapped me hard and said I was unfilial!I still didn't cry!But after my grandfather was buried, I often woke up crying in the middle of the night. I don't know if my grandfather could hear my crying in the middle of the night.

... If I die, will I still see my grandpa?Is he still paralyzed in the lower body, being looked down upon and bullied in another world? I let out a long sigh. The light coming in through the gap is gray. Once again, I mustered up all my strength and shouted, "Help——" No one answered me, and there was no echo, only the sound of rain outside and the sound of running water in the valley, and the birds chirping in the morning had no sound. I have experienced many trials of life and death, and I have struggled back from the death line every time. I will not be so lucky this time, right?It is impossible for a person to escape from death all the time. Should I accept my fate like my grandfather and let the god of death take me away unconditionally?

There are many things I don’t want to think about, and I hope to forget them forever. They are the wounds in my heart. Every time I touch them, the wounds will bleed bright red blood, but they stubbornly appear in my mind. Played back like a black and white movie. ... In the middle of the night on the third day of the Lunar New Year that year, it was raining lightly.My comrade-in-arms Ren Jifeng and I rode a motorcycle to check the post.Because there were few people on the road in the middle of the night, we drove the motorcycle very fast, and accidentally bumped into a concrete utility pole by the side of the road.In an instant, my body flew up.At that moment, I only thought of two words - it's over!I landed on the right side of my face and hit the middle of the road three meters away. I felt a sharp pain in my heart and passed out.If it wasn't for Huang Wei, a fighter from the film team, who went to play with fellow villagers and found me when he came back by bicycle, I don't know what the consequences would be.They sent me to the health team, and I muttered Ren Jifeng's name in a coma.Only then did they realize that there was another person still at the scene, so they hurried back to look for it, only to find the dying Ren Jifeng in the grass beside the road.

Later we were all sent to Army 179 Hospital for emergency treatment. When I woke up from a coma, I found myself lying on a hospital bed with plaster casts on my hands and feet, and gauze on my head and face.My hands and feet were broken, but my internal organs were not broken, just a slight concussion.I am still alive, and the joy of regaining my lost life is indescribable, but I am still deeply afraid.Comrade-in-arms Ren Jifeng was not as lucky as me. His liver rotted like tofu brain.It took him more than forty days to pass the dangerous period.At that time, his lover was already seven months pregnant, and he and his father rushed from Dalian to the Guangdong army.No one thought that he would be alive. Everyone said that because he used to be a pilot and was in good health, otherwise he would have died.

But I didn't think that way, I always felt that there was a kind of will supporting him to survive, because he hadn't seen his own daughter yet. It was during the hospitalization period. I always heard heart-piercing screams of pain coming from the ward downstairs in the middle of the night.That was Liu Zhongmin, the meteorological director of our army, and he had advanced lung cancer.Listening to his screams, I can feel his pain.He is a very honest person. No one in our army said anything bad about him, and he is also conscientious in his work.But it was such a good man who suffered from such a terminal illness, and the pain tortured him mercilessly.After my feet got better, I would sneak to see him in his ward late at night, hiding from the nurses when he screamed in pain.I took his hand, and his fingers, as thin as chicken bones, grabbed me tightly, and his fingernails dug into my flesh.At that time, I was as miserable and desperate as he was.

Human life is so fragile, sometimes it is not as good as an ant. One late night not long after, I didn't hear his screams, but I heard the heart-piercing cries of his lover.I know that Liu Zhongmin has left us forever and walked towards another path without pain.I was in a great sadness.When I regained my senses and limped down, I saw the nurses in the hospital pushing his body to the morgue.And his lover was supported by two family members of the army, crying so much that he couldn't bear to live.Liu Zhongmin's body was covered by a white shroud. I couldn't see his face, so I wondered if his face was very peaceful.He gradually left my sight, my eyes were hot, and I shed two lines of tears.

Death is so real. I came to Ren Jifeng's ward. He was lying on the bed with a sallow face, looking at me with tired eyes.I sat in front of him silently, and said softly, "Director Liu is gone." He said hoarsely, "I see—" He reached out and held mine, and I could feel the warmth of his hand. We hold hands tightly. He added: "It's great to be alive! We must cherish it!" ... In fact, many times, I will remember my mentor Zhu Keyan, not only in this dark night, but now I still have a deep memory of him.I met him at the Shanghai Pen Fair held by Kunlun magazine in the autumn of 1988. At that time, Qiu Shanshan and others attended the pen fair together. I remember the scene where he picked bunches of sweet-scented osmanthus and sent them to the ladies' rooms. He had a peaceful face. smile.After he heard about my plight in the old army, he tried every means to transfer me from the Northwest Army to the Guangzhou Air Force, and then tried every means to get me promoted.Like Lin Qingliang and Dou Zhixian, he has shown me a mountain of kindness.I didn't expect him to pass away so early. He had just passed his fiftieth birthday, and just after sending his son to college, he was found to have advanced liver cancer, and he passed away soon after.When I visited him in the hospital, he was skinny.He was honest, kind, and righteous all his life, and had his own literary dream, but before he could write a masterpiece handed down from generation to generation, he closed his loving eyes forever... At his memorial service, I watched him transform into a The face of the makeup, the heart is as heavy as lead, I don't know when I will meet him again, how sad the farewell is, want to cry without tears!On a certain Ching Ming Festival, I brought a bottle of Wuliangye and a stick of Zhonghua cigarettes to his grave, sprinkled the wine on his tombstone bit by bit, lit the cigarettes and stuck them in his grave one by one. forward…… ... What does it mean for those memories of death to reappear at this time? My body couldn't move, but my soul was struggling. I'm not dead yet, no!Lao Tzu is still alive!There is still hope in life!But the lady boss and the others clearly knew that I was still alive, so why didn't they come to rescue me? Do they have something to hide? I heard the rumbling sound of rocks rolling down the valley again, and a lot of debris rolled down from above, accumulating on my body. I was getting closer and closer, and I seemed to smell the breath of death emanating from myself...