Chapter 12 chapter Ten

For the next two or three days, they swaddled me like a baby.I don't care, this is my first real break in years.They probably secretly sedated me; I noticed that every time they finished feeding me, I kept falling asleep.The pain has subsided quite a bit, and I'm now being encouraged - or rather Doris 'asked' me - to do some light exercise in the room. The old man came to see me. "Oh," he said, "still playing sick, I can see that." I flushed all over my face. "You black heart," I said, "find me some pants and I'll show you who's faking."

"Don't worry, don't worry." He picked up the records from the foot of my bed and scanned them. "Nurse," he said, "get this guy some pants. I'm going to get him back to work." Doris looked up at him like a small, pugnacious hen. "You're the big boss, but you can't call the shots here. The doctor will—" "Shut up!" he said. "Bring the trousers. Let the doctor come and see me when he gets here." "But--" He picked her up, swung her around, slapped her on the bottom, and said, "Go!" She went out, whining and complaining, and came back in a while.Instead of bringing me pants, she brought a doctor.

The old man looked at it and said gently: "Doctor, I asked her to get her pants, not to call you." The doctor said bluntly, "I thank you for not interfering with my patient." "He's not your patient anymore. I need him and I'm going to get him back to work." "Really? Sir, if you don't like the way I run this department, you can remove me immediately." The old man was stubborn but not dead-headed, and said, "I beg your pardon, Doctor. Sometimes I get so preoccupied with other problems that I forget to follow the normal procedure. Would you do me a favor and examine this patient I need him. It would help me a lot to have him back on the team right away if there is any possibility of him returning to work."

The doctor was so angry that his jaw trembled, but what he said was, "Yes, sir!" He went through my medical records solemnly, then sat me on the bed and checked my body's response.My personal feeling is that the physical reaction is too bad.He rolled up my upper eyelids, took a flashlight and said, "He's going to take a while to recover—but you can take him. Nurse, get this man some clothes." Clothes included shorts and shoes, and the hospital gown I've been wearing was decent.But everyone else is dressed like this.It's such a relief to look at those bare shoulders that aren't attached to their owners.That's what I told the old man.

"That's the best defense we can find right now," he complained angrily, "making this place look like a goddamn summer playground. If we don't win this contest before winter sets in, we're screwed gone." The old man stopped in front of a door, on which was a sign that had just been written: Biology Laboratory - Do not stay!He opened the door. I cringe. "Where are we going?" "Go and see your twin, the ape with your slug." "I guess that's what it is. I don't look—no point. No, thanks!" I felt myself start shaking. The old man stopped. "You see, boy," he said patiently, "you have to get over your fears, and the best way to do that is to face them. I know it's hard—I've spent hours here myself, staring at That thing to watch and get yourself used to it."

"You don't know—you can't know!" I was shaking so badly that I could barely hold myself still by leaning against the door frame. He looks at me. "Maybe, not the same as actually getting it," he said slowly, "Jarvis just—" He stopped suddenly. "You're so right, it's different! You can't get me in!" "Yeah, I can see it, it can't be done. Well, the doctor's right. Go back. Go back to the hospital, kid." There was regret in his voice, not anger.He turned and walked into the laboratory. He took two or three steps, and I yelled, "Boss!"

He stopped and turned around with no expression on his face. "Wait," I said, "I'm coming." "There's no need to force yourself." "I know. I'm going in. It's going to take...time to get up the courage." He didn't answer, but he grabbed my upper arm as I walked up to him.His hands were warm, his movements loving, and he held me as we walked, like I was a girl. We walked in, through another locked door, into a room that was air conditioned and warm and humid.The ape is there, in a cage. The ape sat across from us, a metal frame of rebar supporting its body and restraining it.Its arms and legs drooped limply, as if it couldn't control it—and it really couldn't, as far as I could tell.

It looked up at us as we walked in.For an instant, its eyes were hostile and intelligent; then.The light of wisdom is gone, only the eyes of stupid animals.An animal in pain. "Come around," said the old man gently.I just want to back away, but he still holds my arm.We turned around; the ape's eyes followed us, but its body was bound by the frame.From a new angle, I saw - that thing. My master.For quite some time, the thing was attached to my back, talking through my mouth and thinking with my brain.This is my master. "Stand still," the old man said softly, "stand still. You'll get used to it." He shook my arm. "It'll help to look elsewhere."

It does help that I turn my gaze away.Not very helpful, but a little.I took two deep breaths, then held my breath, trying to slow down my heart.I forced my eyes to fixate on that thing. It is not the appearance of the parasite that causes terror.It was ugly and repulsive, but no uglier than silt in a pond, nor uglier than maggots in a rubbish. Horror doesn't come entirely from knowing the thing, knowing what it can do.I was terrified the first time I saw it, before I really knew what it was.I talked about this idea with the old man, trying to stabilize my emotions.He nodded, his eyes still on the parasite.

"Everyone is like that," he said. "Unreasonable fear is like a bird seeing a snake. It's probably its best weapon." His eyes rolled slowly, as if looking too long , his nerves as tough as rawhide can hardly bear it. I clung to him, trying to fit in, trying not to spit out my breakfast.I kept comforting myself: I'm safe, that thing can't hurt me anymore. I turned my gaze again and found that the old man was looking at me. "How is it?" he asked, "Is it more bearable?" I looked back at the thing. "Bigger," I continued, angrily. "All I want to do is kill it! I want to kill them all—I could spend my life killing them, killing them." I started shaking again.

The old man stared at me. "Here," he said, handing me his gun. I was taken aback.I came here straight from the hospital bed, without a gun.I took the gun and looked at him suspiciously. "Huh? What are you doing with a gun?" "You want to kill it, don't you? If you feel you must—then come on. Kill it, do it." "Huh? But—look, Boss, you told me you were going to keep this for research." "Yes. But if you need to kill it, if you feel you have to, then do it. I think this parasite, it, is yours. You have the right to do it. If you're going to kill it Only then can you make yourself a complete person again, so let’s do it.” "'Make Zizhi a whole person again—'" The thought swirled in my head.The old man knew better than me what was wrong with me and what medicine could cure me.I'm not shaking anymore; I'm standing there, gun in hand, ready to shoot and kill.My master…… If I kill this one, I'll be a free man again—and I'll never be free as long as it lives.I want to kill them all, every single one, find them, kill them - especially this one My master... As long as I don't kill it, it is my master.I had some sort of dark thought: if I was alone with it, I couldn't do anything, I'd just freeze there, and wait for it to climb up my body, cling to my arms again, and find me backbone, possessing my brain and inner self. But now, I can kill it. Instead of being afraid, I felt a strong excitement.I'm ready to pull the trigger. The old man watched me. I lowered my gun and asked a little uncertainly: "Boss, if I kill it, do you have anything else?" "No." "But you need it." "yes." "Oh, but—for God's sake, why did you give me a gun?" "You know why. This is yours; you have priority. If you must kill it, do it. If you can let it go, then the Department will take advantage of it." I have to kill it, even if we kill all the parasites, as long as this is alive I'll be huddled in the dark, shaking.And the others.For research purposes - we can catch them at the Constitution Club anytime.As long as this one is dead, I will personally lead the attack.I raised the gun again, gasping for breath. Then I turned around and threw the gun to the old man.He caught the gun and put it aside. "What's the matter?" he asked. "Have you made up your mind?" "Huh? I don't know. When I put my gun on it, I know I can do it, and that's enough." "I think so." I felt a relief, a warmth all over me, as if I had just killed a man, or possessed a woman—as though I had killed it.I was able to face the old man and turn my back on it.I didn't even feel angry at what the old man had done; just a sense of warmth. "I know your tricks. What's it like to be a puppet master with a puppet on a string?" He didn't take my taunts as a joke, but replied seriously: "I am not the puppet master. The most I can do is to guide a person on the path he wants to go. There is the puppet master." He Pointing at the parasite with thumbs up. I looked back at the parasite. "Yes," I said softly, 'puppet master'.You yourself think you understand what it means to be possessed by it - but you don't.Boss... I hope you never understand. " "I hope so," he replied solemnly. I looked at the thing and stopped shaking.I can even put my hands in my pockets, but shorts have no pockets.Still staring at the thing, I continued, "Boss, if you use up that thing, if there is anything left, I'll kill it." "ensure." Someone hurried into the cage room and interrupted us.He was wearing a pair of shorts and a lab coat, and he looked goofy.I didn't know him—he wasn't Graves; I never saw Graves again; I think the old man ate him for lunch. "Director," he said, coming briskly forward, "I didn't know you were here. I—" "Well, I'm here." The old man interrupted him, "Why are you wearing a coat?" The old man's gun had already been drawn and pointed at the man's chest. The man stared at the gun as if it was a prank. "What, of course I'm working. There's always the possibility of splashing something on yourself, some of our solutions are very—" "Take it off!" "what?" The old man waved the gun in his hand at him and said to me, "Get ready to catch him." The man took off his coat.He stood there, holding up his coat, biting his lip.His back and arms were clean, with no telltale rash. "Take that damned coat and burn it," the old man told him, "and get back to work." The man blushed and was about to walk away.Then he hesitated again, glanced at me, and said to the old man, "Director, are you ready, uh, for that procedure?" "Right away. I'll tell you." The man opened his mouth, closed it again, and left.The old man put away his gun wearily. "We posted an order publicly," he said, "and read it aloud and got everyone to sign it—literally wrote it on their narrow chests. But there's always some witty ghost who thinks it's not for him." Scientist!" He said the last word in the same way Doris said "patient." I turned and looked at my previous owner.That stuff still disgusts me.It also gave me a sense of danger that wasn't exactly obnoxious - like standing on a really high place. "Boss," I asked, "what are you going to do with this?" He looked at me, not a slug. "I'm going to talk to it." "What are you going to do? But how can you—I mean, apes can't talk, I mean—" "No, apes can't talk. That's a problem. We've got to have a volunteer—a human volunteer," As soon as his words fell, I began to imagine what he meant, and a strong sense of fear enveloped me again. "You don't mean that. You can't do that, you can't do that to anybody." "I can, and I'm going to. What has to be done must be done." "You can't find any volunteers!" "I've found one." "Already found? Who?" "But I don't want to use this volunteer I found. I'm still looking for the right one." I was disgusted, and it showed. "You shouldn't be looking for anyone, volunteer or not. Even if you've found one, I'm sure you can't find a second—there can't be two of these lunatics." "Perhaps." He agreed with me, "but I'm still reluctant to use the one I've found. Talk is necessary, boy; we're in a war with absolutely no military intelligence. For our enemies , we don't understand anything. We can't negotiate with it, we don't know where it comes from, we don't know what drives it. These, we have to find out. The very existence of our species depends on it. Our relationship with these creatures The only -- the only way to talk is through human volunteers. So it has to be done. But I'm still looking for volunteers." "Oh, don't look at me!" "I just want to watch you." Half my words were jests; his answers were deadly earnest.I was shocked and dumbfounded.Finally, I said in a rage, "You're crazy! I should have killed your gun when I was holding it. If I knew what you were keeping it for, I would have killed it. I want you to kill me voluntarily." That thing on—no! I've experienced it once, I've had enough." He didn't seem to hear me, and continued: "This kind of thing, not just any volunteer can do it. I need someone who can survive. Jarvis is not stable enough, and in a way, not strong enough." .He didn't make it. But we know you can." "Me? You don't know anything about this kind of thing. You just know that I'm alive. I... I can't take it again." "Well, maybe it will kill you," he said calmly, "but you're much less likely to die than anyone else. You're tried and you're experienced. You do this It should be easy. If I use someone else, I run the risk of losing an agent, which is a very high risk." "Since when have you worried about the risk of agents?" I said sarcastically. "All the way, trust me. I'll give you another chance, boy, you know. This has to be done, and you've got a better chance than anyone to make it—because you're used to it, so it's best for us. If Let other agents do it for you, and they risk losing their sanity and even their lives, are you willing to do that?" I began to try my best to explain my personal feelings.I'm not afraid of death, death is normal, but I can't stand the thought of being controlled by parasites when I die.I vaguely felt that if I died like this, I would definitely fall to the bottom of hell.What makes me even more unbearable is that I was controlled by the slug and did not die. But I can't describe it to him, because the human race has not had this experience, so there are no suitable words to describe this experience. I shrugged. "You can fire me. But there is a limit to what a person can bear, and I've reached my limit. I won't do it." He turned to the internal phone on the wall. "The laboratory," he called, "begin the experiments immediately. Hurry up!" I recognized the answering voice as the man who had just barged in. "Which subject?" he asked. "The measurement method is different for different subjects." "The original volunteer." "With the smaller device?" the voice asked suspiciously. "Yes. Get it here." I head for the door.The old man snapped, "Where are you going?" "Get out." I answered loudly, "I'm not involved." He grabbed me and pulled me around in circles like he was the bigger, younger of the two of us. "No, you must be involved. You know this stuff better than the rest of us; your advice would be very helpful." "let me go." "Leave me here and watch!" he said angrily. "Whether you are strapped here or you are free to move about is your choice. Considering your condition, I made concessions, but I have had enough." Stop your nonsense." I'm too tired to argue back.I was so tense and exhausted that my bones were worn out. "You decide." The laboratory staff pushed in a chair-like metal frame, just like the death penalty chair specially made by Xinxin Prison.There are metal clamps at the ankles and knees, as well as clamps for the wrists and elbows on the armrests of the chair.There are also things like corsets to limit movement around the waist and below the bust.There is no back, so the shoulders of the unlucky person who sits in this chair are completely exposed. They moved the chair over and placed it next to the monkey's cage, removed the rear fence of the cage, and brought the side fence closer to the "chair." The ape seemed to be aware of something, watching the whole process intently, but his limbs were still hanging there helplessly.After the cage was opened, I was even more disturbed.If the old man hadn't threatened to tie me up, I would have slipped away. Technicians stood in the back waiting, apparently getting ready.The outer door opened and several people entered; Mary was among them. Mary's sudden appearance startled me.I've been wanting to see her, and have messaged her through the nurses a few times - but they say they can't find her.I don't know if they couldn't find it or someone told them to say so.I actually met her again under such circumstances.I can only curse the old man in my heart, knowing that protesting is a waste of time.This kind of thing should never be seen by a woman, even if the woman is a secret agent.In any case, you should do things a little more decently, a little more restrained. Marie looked surprised when she saw me, and she nodded at me.I nodded too and said nothing; this was not the time for small talk.She was pretty as usual, but her expression was serious.Wears the same outfit as the armor: shorts and a tiny triangle vest, but she doesn't have the ridiculous metal head and carapace. The rest of the group were men, wearing shorts like the old man and me.They brought a whole lot of recording and stereo TV equipment, and some other gear. "Ready?" asked the lab director. "Begin," replied the old man. Mary went straight to the metal chair and sat in it.Two technicians knelt at her feet busily snapping the clamps on.Mary reached behind her back and undid the straps of her vest, exposing her back.I was stunned by everything in front of me, like being haunted by a nightmare.After a while, I grabbed the old man's shoulders.Push him aside.I rushed to the chair and kicked the technician away. "Mary!" I yelled, "get up and get out of here!" The old man put his gun on me and ordered me to back off. "Get away from her," he shouted. "You three—take him and tie him up." I looked at the gun and looked down at Mary.She said nothing and was motionless; her feet were already bound.She looked at me with tender eyes. "Get up and get out of here, Mary," I said feebly. "Let me do it." They removed Mary's chair and brought in a bigger one.I can't use hers; both chairs are custom made to fit body measurements.They pinned me to a chair and it was almost as if they had cemented me in.As soon as I was pinned, my back was itching unbearably, even though nothing touched me. Mary is no longer in this room.I don't know if she left by herself or if the old man ordered her out.Department is the same.When they got me ready, the old man came forward, put his hand on my arm, and said quietly, "Thank you, boy." I ignored him, Since it was done behind me, I didn't see how they removed the parasite.I just saw that they brought in a device, which was modified on the basis of a remote control device specially used to deal with radioactive materials.It was undoubtedly the device they used.Even if I could turn my head, I'm not interested in watching it, and besides, I can't turn my head. The ape began to cry out, and someone shouted, "Be careful!" There was a dead silence, as if everyone was holding their breath.Then, a wet mass hit the back of my neck.I fainted. I woke up with the same exciting energy I had experienced before.I knew I was in a difficult situation, and it seemed that I secretly made up my mind to find a way to escape.I am not afraid; I despise those who surround me.As long as you give me time, I'm sure I can outsmart them. The old man said sternly, "Can you hear me?" I replied, "Of course. Don't yell." "Do you remember why we did this?" I said, "Of course I remember. You want to ask some questions. What are you waiting for?" "what are you?" "What a stupid question. Look at me. I'm six feet one, simple-minded, big-bodied, heavy--" "Not you. You know who I'm talking about—you." "guessing game?" The old man waited a moment before answering: "It won't do you any good to pretend I don't know what you are—" "Ah, but you really don't know." "You know, I have been studying you since you parasitized on that ape. I know a lot about you, and I have an advantage over you. Number one—" He began to list them one by one. "You can be killed. "Second, you can be hurt. You don't like electric shocks, you can't stand the heat that humans can stand. "Third, if you don't have a host, you don't know what to do. Just remove you from this person and you will die. "Fourth, you have no power of your own and can only use the power of your host—and of course your host is at your mercy. Try your shackles; acquaintance. You must cooperate—or die." I listened absent-mindedly, having tried my chains long ago, without hope or fear.I only found that the shackles were, as I expected, impossible to escape, and that did not worry me; I was neither worried nor frightened.I have an inexplicable sense of contentment to be with my master again, away from trouble, away from tension.My job is to serve the master, let the future develop as it pleases. At the same time I must remain alert and serve him at all times. The clamp on one of my ankles is looser than the other; maybe I can get my foot out of it.I tried the clamp on the arm again; if I let the muscle relax completely, probably— But I made no attempt to escape.Immediately came a direction—or, rather, I made a decision, for "direction" and "decision" mean the same thing; I tell you, there is no conflict between the master and I; we are one— Whether it is an instruction or a decision, anyway, I know that now is not the time to take a risk and escape. My eyes looked around to see who was armed and who wasn't, and my guess was: only the old man was armed.The chances are better. Somewhere deep inside, there is an ache of guilt and hopelessness.No one but a master's servant has ever experienced such pain--but I was too busy with the problem at hand to worry about such things. "Well?" continued the old man, "will you answer my question, or let me punish you?" "What's the problem?" I asked. "So far, you've been babbling and babbling." The old man turned to a technician. "Give me the feedback coil." Although I didn't understand what he wanted, I didn't feel scared.I'm still busy checking my shackles.If I can trick him into putting the gun where I can get it—assuming I can free an arm—then I can— He put a pole in front of my shoulder.I felt excruciating, unbearable pain.The room was dark, as if an electric switch had been pulled.For a moment, I trembled and twisted from the pain.I am split by the pain; at this moment, my master is no more. The pain is gone, leaving only the imprint of memory.I couldn't speak, or even think coherently, and the feeling of being ripped apart was over, and I felt safe again in my Master's arms.For the first and only time in my service to him, I felt that I was not my carefree self; the master's anguish and pain were carried over to me, the servant. I looked down and saw a swollen red welt on my left wrist.I scratched myself on the jig while I was struggling.That's all right; I'll tear off my own hands and feet, and run bloody from here—if only my master can escape in that way. The old man asked: "Do you like this taste?" The panic that had gripped me faded away; once again I felt healthy, carefree, albeit a little wary.Wrists and ankles that were sore just now are out of the way now. "Why would you do that?" I asked. "You can hurt me—but why?" "answer my question." "Just ask." "what are you?" I didn't answer right away.The old man reached for the pole; I heard myself say, "We're human." "People? Who?" "The only one. We've studied you, we know your ways, and we—" I stopped abruptly. "Go on!" said the old man sternly, shaking the pole. I continued, "We bring you—" "What did it bring us?" I want to say because the pole was very, very close to me, terribly close.But I can't find the right words. "Peace to you." I blurted out. The old man snorted contemptuously. "'Peace,'" I went on, "and contentment—the thrill of surrender." I hesitated again; "surrender" was not the right word.I racked my brains for it, as if in a foreign language I didn't know well. "Pleasure," I repeated, "—the pleasure of nirvana . . .I felt like a dog being petted for bringing back a stick; I was shaking with joy. "Let me tell," the old man mused. "You have promised humanity that if we submit to your kind, you will take care of us and make us happy. Right?" "Indeed it is!" The old man looked at me for a long time, he didn't look at my face, his eyes flicked over my shoulders.He spits on the floor: "You know," he said slowly, "a deal like this is being proposed to me and my colleagues quite often, never on a scale of course. But we've never dismissed it." ?” I leaned forward as much as I could. "Try it for yourself," I said, "try it right now—then you'll really know." He stared at me, my eyes this time. "Maybe I should try," he said thoughtfully. "Maybe I owe somebody something-something. Should try. Maybe someday I will. But now," he snapped, "you've got to Answer more questions. Give me a good answer, so as not to suffer. If the answer is slow, I will increase the current." He waved the pole in his hand. I flinched back, feeling defeated and disheartened.I thought at first that he was going to accept the terms, and that the possibility of escape I had been planning would come true. "And now," he went on, "where are you from?" No answer... I have no urge to answer. The stalk is getting closer to me. "Far away!" I exclaimed. "This is not news. Tell me where? Where is your base? Where is your own planet?" I didn't answer.The old man waited for a while, and then said: "I see, I must touch your memory." I stared blankly, thinking nothing. A man standing next to him interrupted him. "Huh?" said the old man. "Maybe there are handout difficulties," the man said. "Different concepts of astronomy." "How is that possible?" asked the old man. "The slug has been using a borrowed language. He knows everything his host knows; we've proven it." But he turned and asked another question. way, "Look—you know the solar system, is your planet in the solar system, or is it outside the solar system?" I hesitated, then replied, "All the planets are ours." He tightened his lips. "Well," he said thoughtfully. "I don't know what you mean by that?" he went on. "It doesn't matter; you can say that the whole universe is yours; and what I want to know is where is your lair? Where is your headquarters? Where is your spaceship?" Where did it come from?" I couldn't tell him, and I didn't tell him.I sat there without saying a word. All of a sudden, he poked the pole into my back; I felt a sudden sharp pain, and then it went away. "You bastard, tell me! Which planet is it? Mars? Venus? Jupiter? Saturn? Uranus? Neptune? Pluto?" As he counted them, I saw the stars—and the furthest place I've ever been from Earth was the space station.When he said which star, the right one, I knew—the thought disappeared immediately. "Say!" he demanded, "or you'll be whipped." I heard myself say, "Neither. Our home is far away. You'll never find it." His gaze flicked over my shoulder, and then he stared into my eyes. "I think you're lying, and I think you need to be fed a little bit more honesty." "no no!" "It doesn't hurt to try," he slowly poked the pole over and into my back. Suddenly, I knew the answer again and was about to answer, but something caught in my throat.Then, the pain started. The pain doesn't go away.I was torn to shreds; I wanted to say everything, everything to stop the pain - but the hand was still stuck to my neck and I couldn't say anything. In the agony, I saw the old man's face, gleaming and floating. "Is that enough?" he asked. "Speaking?" I started to answer, but my throat was blocked and I couldn't speak.I saw him reach for the pole again. I suddenly shattered to pieces and died. They bent over me.One said, "He's woken up. Watch out, he might go berserk." The old man's face stretched out in front of me, a worried expression. "Are you all right, kid?" he asked impatiently.My face is turned to the side. "Get out of the way, please," said another voice, "I'll give him a shot." "Can his heart take it?" "Of course—otherwise I wouldn't have given him the shot." The speaker knelt beside me, took my arm, and gave me the shot.He stood up, looked at his hands, and wiped the blood on his shorts. I feel power surging through me. "Spin." I thought dazedly, or something like that.Whatever it is, this stuff makes me feel rejuvenated.After a while, I sat up without letting others help me. I'm still in the cage room, right in front of that damn chair.I noticed with no interest that the cage was closed.I started to stand up.The old man came forward.Reach out and help me. I shook him off: "Don't touch me!" "I'm sorry," he said, and snapped, "Jones! You and Eto—take the stretcher. Take him back to the hospital. Doc, and you too." “好的。”给我打针的人走过来拉住我的胳膊。我的胳膊缩了回来。 “把你的手拿开！” He froze. “走开——你们都走开。让我一个人待一会。” 医生看着老头子，老头子耸耸肩，然后示意他们让开。 我一个人走到门前，穿过门，继续走出外面的门，来到过道里。 我在那里停下来，看着我的手腕和脚踝，决定我最好还是回医院去。多丽丝会照顾我的，我肯定，也许我能睡上一会儿。我觉得自己像一个打满十五回合、而且每个回合都输了的拳手。 “萨姆，萨姆！” 我抬起头来，我熟悉那个声音。 玛丽快步走向前来，站在我身边。她看着我，目光里充满极度的悲伤。“我一直在等。”她说，“哦，萨姆！他们都对你做了什么啊？”她的声音哽咽着，我几乎听不清她在说什么。 “你难道不知道？”我回答说，发现我还有足够的力量抽她一巴掌。 “婊子，”我加了一句。 我原先住过的病房仍然空着，但我没有看到多丽丝。我清楚一直有人跟着我，大概是医生，但此时此刻我不需要他，不需要任何人。我关上门，趴在床上，想停止思考，不想有任何感觉。 突然，我听到一声喘息，我睁开眼睛；多丽丝来了。 “到底我么回事啊？”她一边喊着，一边走到我跟前。我感到她温柔的手放在我身上。“哦，你这可怜的孩子！”然后她说，“等在这儿别动。我去叫医生。” "No!" “你必须让医生看看。” “不。我不见他。你来帮我。” She didn't answer.我听见她走出去了。不一会儿，她回来了——我想是不止一会儿——开始冲洗我的伤口。医生没有和她一起来。 她的块头还没有我一半大，但需要的时候，她能把我拉起来翻个身，似乎我真是她的孩子（她就是那样叫我的）。我一点也不惊讶；我知道她能照顾我。 她碰我的背的时候，我想尖叫，但她很快就包扎好了。 “翻过身来，放松一下。”她说。 “我要趴住这儿。” “不用，”她说，“我想让你喝点东西。真是个好孩子。” 我翻过身来，其实主要是她帮我翻过来的，喝了她给我的东西。过了一会儿，我就睡着了。 我似乎记得后来被弄醒了，看见了老头子。我把他骂走了。医生也在——也许这只是一场梦。 布里格斯小姐叫醒了我，多丽丝给我端来了早餐；好像我的名字一直留住病号的名单上，从来没动过。多丽丝想喂我，但我可以自己吃。其实我的状况不是特别糟。我浑身僵硬、疼痛不已，好像被放进一只桶里从尼亚加拉大瀑布上冲了下来似的。我的两只胳膊和两条腿上都打着绷带，我在夹具上弄伤了自己，好在骨头没有断。真正的病因在我的灵魂深处。 不要误解我。老头子可以把我派到危险的地方——已经这样做了，而且不止一次——我并不会因此对他不满。这些是我的工作，我签过合同。可他对我做的这件事，我没有签下任何合同。他知道什么对我起作用，而且故意利用这一点来强迫我做我永远也不会同意的事，就算被骗进陷阱里也不会同意。一旦他把我置入他希望的境地，他就毫不怜悯地利用我。 哦，我也曾经用刑讯的办法逼别人招供。有时候你不得不这样做。But this time is different.Believe me. 我生气的对象是老头子。至于玛丽，她算什么？不过是另一个漂亮女人而已。老头子说服了她，让她充当诱饵，对此，我从灵魂深处感到厌恶。作为一名特工，利用女性自身的特点倒没有什么；部门必须有女性特工；她们可以做男人做不了的事情。女间谍从来都有，她们使用的手段从古到今没什么变化。 可她不该同意利用这种手段来对付另一个特工，而且是自己同一个部门的——至少不应该用这种手段来对付我。 不太合逻辑，是吗？对我来说是符合逻辑的。玛丽不应该那样做。 我受够了，不干了。他们可以在没有我参加的情况下继续寄生虫行动；我已经参加过了。我在阿迪朗达克斯有一座小房子，我在那儿冷冻了食物，足够我吃好几年——不管怎么说，一年没问题。我有许多“时光飞逝”，还能弄到更多。我要到那里去，用那些东西打发时间——没有我，世界也可以拯救自己，下地狱也行。 如果任何人走进我一百码的范围，我一定要先看看他赤裸裸的后背，否则就一枪撂倒他。