Chapter 8 Section VIII

May 7, 2205 This is the source of our contradictions.Lord, how foolish we are!Richard, my Richard, please come back! Where and how to start?Many scenes flashed through my mind... Michael and Simone walking up and down the next room, talking about Michelangelo. My dad always told me that everyone makes mistakes, but why are my mistakes so huge?My idea sounds good, my left brain tells me it's logical.But deep down in the human heart, rationality does not always win.Emotions are sometimes wildly irrational, and jealousy is not a product of computer programs. There were many omens at the time warning me to give up the idea.

I could see the problem in Richard's eyes that first afternoon, as we sat at a picnic by the Columns. "Oh, Nicole, don't say it, don't say it, don't say it," I said to myself. Richard seemed very reasonable. He said, "Of course, your proposal is completely correct from a genetic point of view. Let's go and tell Michael. Let's end this matter as quickly as possible, and hope it works once." At that time, I was very proud and felt very inspired.Richard never stopped me from doing anything.At night when the children were asleep and he finally understood what we were talking about, he said, "It's a crime, a crime."

Richard thought that the concept of evil was anachronistic even on Earth, and here Michael couldn't even understand it. After these words, Michael asked Richard point-blank: "You really want me to do this?" "No," said Richard, after a moment's hesitation, "but it's the best thing for our children." I should have taken Richard's "no" seriously then. It never occurred to me that my plan would fail.At last the night came, Richard strode out of our cave.The sense of guilt tormented Michael deeply.He was overstretched and we didn't make it.

"I can't do that," Michael said, shaking his head. "why not?" "It's all wrong," he said gravely. I wanted to say something to him, but he didn't say a word.I didn't know what to do, I quietly left, and Michael simply said "good night". I didn't go back to my room right away.Walking out of the aisle, I realized I couldn't face Richard.I leaned weakly against the wall, struggling with complicated thoughts.Why do I make everything so simple?What should I say to Richard now?I walked into the room and knew from Richard's breathing that he was still asleep.At that time, if I had the courage, I would have told him what happened immediately, but I didn't. This is another fatal mistake. Why do I always make the same mistake?

The next two days were quite tense, and no one wanted to talk about it.The two men try to look normal.The next night, I finally convinced Richard to go for a walk with me while Michael put the kids in bed to rest. We stood on the parapet overlooking the Sea of ​​Columns.Richard told me about the chemistry of his new wine.I interrupted him and shook his hand. "Richard," I said, looking into his eyes, searching for love, "it's pretty hard..." My voice trailed off. "What is it, Nicky?" he asked me, with a forced smile. "Well, it's Michael, look, nothing happened, he can't..."

Richard stared at me without blinking: "You mean he can't..." I nodded and shook my head, he was even more confused. "Not exactly," I murmured, "was with him that night, he was so nervous, maybe he thought it was a crime, maybe it's been a long time since he..." I stopped, realizing Talk too much about yourself. Richard looked at the sea motionlessly, and didn't say a word for a long time. "You want to try again, don't you?" he finally said incoherently, without turning to look at me. "I, I don't know." I took his hand and wanted to say something else, like if I try again, will he take it?

At this moment Richard suddenly walked away from me and threw me a short sentence: "Let me know when you decide". For a week or two I made up my mind to give up the idea.Slowly, very slowly our family has joy again.Richard and I had a normal married life again. "I have to admit that for a while I was worried. I was going crazy thinking about you with Michael, I was afraid you would like being with him, understand? If that happened then our relationship would suffer." Apparently Richard thought I wasn't going to have kids with Michael anymore and I didn't argue with him at the time.A few days later, I opened the medical book again and realized that I still had this idea.

Richard saw me testing my pee one morning and he didn't say anything.From the disappointment in his eyes I could see that he was clearly hurt.I tried to comfort him, but the kids were in the room.I didn't do that for fear of making a mess. I didn't tell Michael that I was going to have a second try with him so that it wouldn't be too stressful for him and it might be easier.I am proceeding with my plan step by step.Put the kids in bed first, then go into his room with Michael and explain to him what's going to happen.I bet we would have made it if Katie hadn't started screaming "Mommy, Mommy."

I left Michael and rushed into the nursery.Richard was already there, holding Katie.Simone sat on her rug and rubbed her eyes.The father and daughter looked at me standing naked at the door. "I had a nightmare," said Katie, holding Richard tightly. "An octospider was biting me." I go into the room. "Is it better now?" I asked, putting my arms around Katie.Richard still held his daughter tightly, and Katie didn't seem to want to come to me.Embarrassed, I walked over to Simone and hugged her shoulders. "Mum, where's your pajamas?" four-year-old Simone asked me.

We sleep in our pajamas most of the time, and I take both girls in the shower every day.They were already pretty familiar with my body, but usually I went to the nursery in my pajamas. I was about to give Simone a good lesson when I noticed that Richard was staring at me hostilely. "I can take care of everything here," he said gruffly, "why don't you go and finish your work?" I went back to Michael, which was a terrible decision. Michael pushed my hand away and said, "It's no use, I'm 63 years old and haven't had this experience in five years. Sorry Nicole, this won't work."

I stumbled out with tears in my eyes, disappointed, stood outside for five minutes, and then mustered up the courage to go in and face Richard. My husband was still working and at first he ignored me, then he turned around and asked sarcastically, "Do you think you've been there long enough?" "Still not," I replied dejectedly, "I guess..." "Stop talking that shit to me!" Richard yelled suddenly angrily, "I'm not that stupid, you can't expect me to believe that you spent two hours naked with him and nothing happened. I know you Kind of woman, you want to..." I can't remember what else he said, just that he rushed at me angrily and I was terrified.I thought he was going to hit me, so I tightly protected my body with my hands, letting the tears run down my face.Richard was yelling at me with obscenities and trying to insult and discredit me.He's gone crazy and lost his mind.He threw his arms at me angrily, and I sprinted down the stairs leading to New York.Little Katie had been awakened, and stood dumbfounded by the nursery door.I almost knocked her over as I rushed past her.Rama was very bright, and I wandered around crying non-stop.Richard broke my heart and I am deeply disturbed by what I have done. I still firmly believe that my motives are right, but I was so stupid in the first place.It's time for me to realize that my proposal is simply not going to work, maybe Richard is right, maybe I'm being too stubborn. It was dark in the room when I went back.I put on my pajamas and collapsed on the blanket exhausted. After a while, Richard came and hugged me tightly and said, "Darling, my Nicole, I'm very, very sorry, please forgive me." I haven't heard his voice since then, and he has been away for 6 days.I slept so soundly that night that I didn't hear Richard pack his things and just left me a message. At 7 a.m., the alarm clock rang and a message appeared on the black screen "For Nicole de Jardin only - press K to see the whole message". While the kids were still sleeping, I pressed the K key. "My dearest Nicole," the screen began, "this is the most difficult letter I have ever written in my life. I am leaving you and this family for a while and I know it will mean a lot to you and Michael. Inconvenient, but trust me it's the only solution. After what happened yesterday, I can't find a better solution. "My dear, I love you with all my heart. When reason controls my emotions, I understand that all your efforts are for the common good of this family. I am ashamed of my behavior yesterday, especially when I called you so viciously. You, this makes me feel extremely disturbed and shameful. I hope you will forgive me. I don't know if I can forgive myself. I hope you will remember my love for you and forget about my irrational and uncontrollable anger. "Envy is terrible, it destroys everything. Jealousy is a pure virus, which makes people lose their minds, destroys people's spirits, and tortures people's bodies. The best people in the world, once caught in the torment of jealousy, become angry beasts. "Nicole, dear, I didn't tell you all about the end of my marriage with Sarah: I suspected for months that she was having a tryst with another man in London, and there were plenty of indications of that. But I'm still mad Loving her and believing that these issues would kill our marriage as soon as they got through. I endured it until the fire of jealousy burned through me. "I lay in bed in Cambridge and I was mad with envy thinking of Sarah with another man. I couldn't sleep unless I saw Sarah dead. When Mrs Sinclair called me that night, I No longer could I pretend that Sarah was faithful to me. With the determination to kill my wife and her lover, I went to London. "Fortunately I don't have a gun. Seeing them together, I was so angry that I forgot to draw the knife in my coat bag. We had a big fight, a scuffle, woke up the neighbors left and right, maybe this saved us , maybe because I was too nervous, or I would really kill them. "You may not quite understand what all this has to do with you. You see, my dear, in our lives, everyone has some inherent ways of behaving. Before I met you, I was lost to jealousy. Reason. The two nights you and Michael were together, I couldn't help but think of Sarah again. Of course I know you and Sarah are completely different, and you won't lie to me. However, I can't control my emotions, it's almost crazy The feeling came back. This time I had a strange thought, that is - you can't betray me. But when you were with Michael, I was terrified and felt terrible, more than I imagined Sarah was worse with Hughes Sinclair or her other actor friends. "Hope you understand what I mean. I left because I couldn't control my jealousy and I knew it was very unwise. I don't want to see myself become like my father, drinking and living my miserable life, Or ruin the lives of other people around me. I think you can conceive a baby somehow and I don't want to do anything to hurt you in the meantime. "Hopefully I'll be back soon unless something happens to me on the expedition. I don't know when I'll be back, I need time to heal my wounds. I'll be a solid family member again. Tell the kids I'm away, Please take good care of Katie - she will miss me most. "I love you, Nicole. I know it's hard for you to understand that I'm gone, but please try to understand me. Richard" May 13, 2205 Today I spent 5 hours looking for Richard in New York.Everywhere I went, I called his name everywhere I went.There was no sign of Richard, and I thought he had left New York Island.He is a good swimmer, and he can easily swim to the north of the Rama Cylinder, but will the strange creatures that inhabit the Cylinder Sea allow him to cross it? Come back, Richard!I miss you and I love you. Evidently Richard considered taking some time away.To make it easy for Michael and me to communicate with the Rama people, he has made data and checklists for us.He took our largest bag and his favorite robot TB and gave us his robot Beckett. We had a hard time when Richard left.Katie was always angry, and she wanted to know when Papa would come back and why he had been away so long.Michael and Simone suffer in silence, and their relationship grows deeper: comforting each other, easing each other's pain.And I cared about Katie as much as I could, but I couldn't take the place of her beloved father. The hardest part is the night.Thinking about the days and nights I spent with Richard two months ago, and constantly thinking about the mistakes I made, I can't sleep.The meaning of the letter Richard had left me before he left was becoming clearer.It never occurred to me that Richard and Sarah's problems would affect our marriage, and now I see the implications. I also have my own emotional life patterns.At the age of ten, my mother's death gave me my first taste of the misery of being abandoned. Since then, a big problem in my life has appeared: the fear of losing any kind of intimacy.After my mother's death, I lost Genevieve and my father, and now I have lost Richard, at least temporarily.Two nights ago I cried myself to sleep realizing that not only had I lost Richard, but I had lost forever my mother, my daughter Genevieve and my beloved father.When I felt the pain of losing a loved one, I realized at once that my being with Michael brought up Richard's painful memories of Sarah. The human pursuit of knowledge is never-ending.I was 41 years old before I discovered another truth of human relationship.I did hurt Richard deeply, and while his fear that my closeness to Michael would lead to emotional estrangement from him was illogical, it was real.Perception and emotion are the factors that require our attention. Over the years, I have forgotten the taste of loneliness.Richard, who spent five years with me, may not have all the qualities of my Prince Charming, but he is a wonderful life partner and the smartest person I have ever met.What a loss it would be if he couldn't come back!A painful tragedy is unfolding.How I longed to see him again, even for a brief moment.Thinking of this, I am devastated. I am very lonely at night, and I often read poems to dispel loneliness.Baudelaire Eliot has been my favorite poet since college.In recent days, though, I have found solace in the poetry of Benita Garcia.I read over and over one of my favorite poems that Benita wrote while studying at the Aerospace Academy in Colorado: My skirts brighten the dim walls of the house, Like a desert flower that blooms after the rain. My love, come quietly tonight, What kind of me do you want to see? Pale is the best color for books, Blue and green are my evening attire, your friend or wife? The fire of desire burns in your brain, Turned into deep red and black eyes, Turn me into a mean woman. Childhood dreams are not like this, My Prince Charming came and gave me a soft kiss, All my pain fades away, Can I have another look at him? My college boyfriend, your hypocrisy offends me, I don't like wearing long skirts either. I paid the price for shaking your hand, Belittled me, exactly what you'd expect.