Chapter 40 Chapter 38 Touch

"What do I think about what?" "A discussion about where we were," clarified Ian. what do i think about itI have no idea. In a way, Ian was able to see things from my point of view—from the point of view of my alien creature, who he believed I had earned the right to exist. But was he jealous of Jared? He knew what I was, he knew I was just a tiny creature implanted in the back of Melanie's head.A bug, in Kyle's words, but even Kyle thinks Ian has a little "like" for me.to me?That's impossible. Or, he wants to know what I think of Jared?How do I feel about that experiment?More details about my reaction to physical contact?I shivered.

Or is it my opinion of Melanie?Melanie's take on their discussion?Do I agree with what Jared said about her rights? I don't know what I think, I don't know anything. "I really don't know," I said. He nodded: "Understandable." "That's just because you're so empathetic." It was strange how he smiled at me, his eyes burning and warm, especially the color of his eyes, which was more like ice than fire.At this moment, his eyes were particularly warm. "I like you very much, Xiaoman." "I just realized it, maybe I'm a little slow."

"I was surprised myself." We both thought about it. He pursed his lips. "And I guess that's something you don't know how it makes yourself feel?" "No, I mean right, I don't know, I'm" "It's okay, you haven't spent long thinking about this, it must seem weird." I nodded: "Yes, it's not just strange, it's impossible." "Tell me about it." Ian paused for a moment and said. "If only I knew the answer." "It's not a difficult question." Instead of asking me right away, he walked across the narrow space and took my hand.He held my hand with both hands at the same time, and after a while, the fingers of his left hand followed my arm, slowly slid from the wrist to my shoulder, and slid back just as slowly.He didn't look at my face, but at the skin on my arms, at the goosebumps that crept up from the touch of his fingers.

"Are you feeling well?" he asked. not good.Melanie insisted. But it doesn't hurt.I protest. He wasn't asking this, what he said felt good, it was like talking to a child! you know.I'm not yet a year old, maybe I'm a year old now?I was distracted, trying to think about the oral period. Melanie is distracted.To him, feeling good meant the way Jared felt when he touched us.The memory she triggered wasn't of what happened in a cave, it was in a magical canyon at sunset.Jared stood behind her, his hand following the curve of her arm, from shoulder to wrist, and I trembled with joy at the simple touch.like that.

Oh. "Xiaoman?" "Melanie can't tell," I said softly. "what do you say?" "I said I don't know." I looked into his eyes and found that his gaze was warmer than expected: "I can't even imagine how confused you must be by all this." I was relieved by his understanding: "Yeah, I'm confused." His hand stroked my arm again: "Do you want me to stop?" I hesitated: "Yes," I made up my mind, "you're making it hard for me to think, and Melanie is mad at me, and that's hard for me to think too."

I'm not mad at you for telling him to leave. Ian is my friend and I don't want him to leave. He stepped back, crossing his hands over his chest. "I suppose she doesn't want us to have a moment alone?" I smiled: "I doubt it." Ian tilted his head to one side, his expression thoughtful. "Melanie Strider?" he addressed her directly. Both of us were startled when we heard the name. Ian continued: "I would like to have the opportunity to talk to Xiao Man alone, if you don't mind, is there any way to do so?" How unreasonable!You tell him.I said there is no way!I don't like this person.

I wrinkled my nose. "what did she say?" "She said no," I managed to say as softly as possible, "and she doesn't like you." Ian laughed: "I can understand that, and I respect her opinion. Uh, it's worth a try." He sighed, "It seems a bit disappointing to have people listening in." What's the fun?Mel yelled. I grimaced, I didn't want to feel her anger, it was so much more vicious than my own emotions. got used to. Ian put his hands on my face: "I'll let you figure it out, okay? So you can be sure of how you feel."

I managed to be objective with that hand, it was soft and comfortable on my cheek.Not like when Jared touched me, but not like when Jamie hugged me, a different feeling. "Maybe it's going to take a while, you know, all this doesn't make sense," I told him. He grinned. "I know." When he laughed, I realized that I wanted him to like me.The rest - the hand on my cheek, the fingers on my arm - I'm still not at all sure how it makes me feel, but I want him to like me, I want him to say good things about me, that's who I am It's hard to tell him the reason for the truth.

"You don't really feel that way about me, you know," I whispered. "It's because of the body that she's beautiful, isn't it?" He nodded: "Yes, Melanie is a very beautiful girl, even very beautiful." His hand moved to my injured cheek, gently stroking the rough scar, "even though I have hurt her face harm." Normally, I can't help but deny that.Reminding him that the bruise on my face wasn't his fault, but at the moment, I'm so confused and dizzy I can't even make a full sentence. Why does it bother me that he thinks Melanie is beautiful?

You stumped me.She doesn't understand my emotions any more than I understand hers. He brushed the hair from my forehead back. "But, as beautiful as she was, she was a stranger to me, she wasn't someone I cared about." This made me feel better, but it confused me even more. "Ian, you don't have anyone here to separate us like they should. You don't, Jamie doesn't, Jeb doesn't." The truth came out, more intensely than I wanted to say, "You can't Care about me, if you hold me in your hands, me, you will feel sick. You will throw me on the ground and trample on your feet."

He wrinkled his pale forehead, and his black eyebrows were knit together: "I wouldn't, if I knew it was you." I smiled sullenly: "How do you know? You can't tell us apart." The corners of his mouth curled down. "Just because of the body," I repeated. "That's not right at all," he countered. "It's not the face, it's the expression on the face. It's not the voice, it's what you say. It's not what you are in this body, it's what you do with this body, you are beautiful." As he spoke, he moved forward, knelt down beside the bed where I was lying, and took mine in both of his again. "I've never met anyone like you." I sighed, "Ian, what if I came here in Magnolia's body?" He showed a painful expression, and then laughed: "Well, good question, I don't know." "Or with Wes' body?" "But you're a woman—you are." "I've always asked to be the gendered creature on the planet, which seems more accurate to say, but I can be implanted in a man's body and function just fine." "But you're not in a man's body." "See! That's what I mean, body and soul. Two different things to me." "I wouldn't want this body without you." He touched my face again, resting his hand on my cheek, and resting his thumb on my chin: "But this body is also a part of you, and it is part of what makes you who you are. Unless you change your mind and put us all in Betrayed, it will be part of you forever." Ah, its fate.Yes, I will die in this body, the ultimate death. And I will never be able to live in this body again.Melanie said softly. This is not a future that any of us have planned.Yeah? No, we all thought there was a future. "Another inner communication?" Ian guessed. "We thought about our own mortality." "If you leave us, you can live forever." "Yes, I can." I sighed, "You know, apart from spiders, human beings have the shortest lifespan among the species I have ever worked on. Your time is so short." "Well, you don't think." Ian paused, and moved closer to me, so close that I couldn't see anything around his face except snow white, sky blue, and jet black, "maybe you should make the most of what you have now." There are times when you should live while you are alive." I didn't realize what was going on with Jared, Ian wasn't that familiar to me.Melanie realized what he was going to do before I did, a second before his lips touched mine. No! It's not the same as kissing Jared.With Jared, there are no thoughts, only desires.Uncontrollable, like sparks meeting gasoline—inevitable.When I was with Ian, I didn't even know what I was feeling, it was all chaos, confusion. His lips were soft and warm, and he just pressed his lips against mine lightly, then moved back and forth to wipe my lips. "Does it feel good?" He whispered against my lips. not good!not good!not good! "I. I can't think." He moved his lips as I moved my mouth to speak. "That sounds good." His mouth squeezed harder now, and he took my lower lip, tugging gently. Melanie wanted to hit him—much more than she wanted to hit Jared.She wanted to push him away and kick him in the face again.The sight was horrifying, at odds with the intensity of Ian's kiss. "Please." I whispered. "Ok?" "Please stop, I can't think, please." Immediately he sat back and folded his hands over his chest. "Okay." He said cautiously. I covered my cheek with my hand, hoping to quench Mel's anger. "Well, at least no one beat me up." Ian grinned. "She wants to do more. Ugh, I don't like when she's angry. It gives me a headache, anger is so ugly." "Why doesn't she do that?" "Because I didn't lose control, it was only when I was overwhelmed that she exploded." I wrinkle my brow and he looks at me. clam down.I begged her and he stopped touching me. Has he forgotten that I am here?Does he not care?I'm here, it's me! I managed to explain it. what happened to you?Have you forgotten about Jared? She threw the memory at me, just like it did in the beginning, only this time it came like a fist.His smile, his eyes, his lips when he kissed me, and his hand touching my skin turned into thousands of fists, of course not, have you forgotten that you don't want me to fall in love with him? "She's talking to you." "Yelling at me," I corrected. "I can see it now, I can see you focus on the conversation. Before today, I never noticed that." "She wasn't always this loud." "I'm sorry, Melanie," he said, "I know this must be hard on you." Once again she imagined kicking his high bridge of the nose, kicking it into Kyle's hooked nose.Tell him I don't need his apology. I cringe. Ian had a half-smile, with a tangled expression: "She doesn't accept it." I shook my head. "So she can explode? When you're overwhelmed?" I shrugged: "Sometimes when she freaks me out and I get too emotional. Emotions make it hard for me to focus, but lately it's been harder for her, it's like the door is locked between us .I don't know why, I managed to let her out when Kyle" I stopped suddenly, clenching my teeth. "When Kyle tried to kill you," he finished matter-of-factly, "you wished to set her free? Why?" I just stared at him. "To defy him?" he guessed. I didn't answer. He sighed: "Well, don't tell me, why do you think that door is locked?" I frowned. "I don't know, maybe it worries me over time." "But she's had a blast before, and punched Jared." "Yes." I shudder at the thought of my fist hitting Jared's jaw. "Because you're overwhelmed and emotional?" "yes." "What did he do? Just kiss you?" I nodded. Ian flinched, his eyes narrowed. "What's wrong?" I asked, "Is there something wrong?" "You were overwhelmed with emotion when Jared kissed you." I watched him, and the look on his face worried me, but Melanie enjoyed it, and that's how it should be! He sighed, "And when I kissed you you weren't sure if you liked it, you weren't overwhelmed." "Oh." Ian was jealous, how strange the world is, "I'm sorry." "Come on, I told you, I'll give you time. I don't mind waiting for you to think things through, I don't mind at all." "What do you mind?" Because he particularly minded certain things. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I see how much you love Jamie. It's always so obvious. I guess I should see how much you love Jared too. Maybe I don't want to see it. Makes sense. You're here for the two of them, you love them both, like Melanie, with Jamie as a brother, and Jared" He looked away, staring at the wall above my head.I had to look away too, and I stared at the sun shining on the red door. "How much of that emotion is Melanie's?" he wondered. "I don't know, does it matter?" I could barely hear his answer: "Yes, it has something to do with me." Ian took my hand again, he didn't look at me, and didn't seem to notice what he was doing. There was silence for a minute, even Melanie was quiet, and that was fine. Then, as if a switch had been flipped on, Ian returned to normal, and he laughed. "Time is on my side," he grinned. "We're going to be here for the rest of our lives. One day, you're going to be puzzled by how you feel about Jared." In your dreams. I laughed with him, happy that he was cracking jokes again. "Xiao Man? Xiao Man, can I come in?" Jamie's voice came from the other side of the hall, followed by his trotting footsteps, and the sound stopped outside the door. "Of course, Jamie." I reached out to him before he moved the door away, and I haven't seen him much lately.Unconsciously or thwarted, I had no time to go to him. "Hey, Man! Hey, Ian!" Jamie was all smiles, his messy hair flowing as he moved.He walked over to my outstretched hand, but Ian got in the way.So he sat helplessly on the edge of my mattress and put his hands on my feet. "how do you feel?" "Better." "Still hungry? There's beef jerky and corn on the cob! I can get you some." "I'm fine now, how are you? I haven't seen you very often lately." Jamie made a face. "Sharon put me in detention." I laughed: "What did you do?" "Nothing was done, I was completely wronged." His innocent expression was a little exaggerated, and then he quickly changed the subject, "Guess what happened? Jared said at lunch that he thought it would take you from the familiar room It's not fair to move out here, he said we're not friendly hosts, he said you should move back in with me! Wouldn't that be great? I asked him if he could tell you right away and he said it was a good idea, he Said you would stay here." "I guessed he would do that." Ian muttered to himself. "Then what do you think, Xiaoman? We're going to be roommates again!" "But Jamie, where does Jared live?" "Wait a minute—let me guess," Ian interrupted. "I guess he must have said the room was big enough for three, am I right?" "Yes, how do you know?" "It was a lucky guess." "That's great! Isn't it, Man? It's going to be like it was before we came here!" When he said that, I felt like a razor was being scraped between my ribs—a pain that was too clear and precise to be knocked or snapped. Jamie read my pained expression in shock: "Oh no, I mean with you, that's fine. Four of us, right?" I managed to smile through the pain, but even smiling didn't ease the pain. Ian squeezed my hand. "The four of us," I said vaguely, "are fine." Jamie climbed onto the mattress, moved past Ian, and wrapped his arms around my neck. "I'm sorry, don't be sad." "Don't worry." "You know I love you too." So intense, so penetrating, just the kind of emotion on this planet.Jamie had never said that to me before, and my whole body suddenly felt a few degrees warmer. so violent.Melanie agrees, cringing at her own pain. "Are you coming back?" Jamie begged, rubbing my shoulder. I can't answer right away. "What does Mel want to do?" he asked. "She wants to live with you," I whispered, and I knew it without asking. "Then what do you want to do?" "Do you want me to live with you?" "You know what I want, Man, please." I hesitate. "I beg you?" "Jamie, if that's your wish, fine." "Whoah!" Jamie cheered in my ear, "That's great! I'm going to tell Jared! Let me get you some food, okay?" He's already on his feet, the mattress has sprung Hitting my ribs. "it is good." "Ian, what do you want?" "Of course, boy, I want you to tell Jared he's shameless." "Uh?" "Never mind, go get Xiaoman some lunch." "Okay, I'll ask Wes for his extra bed. Kyle will be back here and everything will be in order!" "Excellent!" said Ian.Although I didn't see his face, I knew he was rolling his eyes. "Excellent," I whispered, feeling the sharpness of the razor again.