Chapter 10 Chapter 8 Love

"Are you afraid of flying?" Hunter's voice was full of disbelief, almost mocking, "You have traveled through deep space eight times, but you are afraid of flying to Tucson, Arizona?" "First, I'm not scared. Second, I don't know exactly where I am when I travel through deep space, what it's like to be stored in a cryogenic chamber. Finally, this host gets airsick on an airplane .” The hunter rolled his eyes in disgust: "Then, take your medicine! What would you do if the therapist Furvoz wasn't transferred to St. Mary's Hospital? Would you drive to Chicago?"

"No, but since the choice to drive is now well-founded, I will. It would be nice to see more of the world, and the desert would be pretty amazing" "The desert is boring." "And I'm in no rush. I have a lot to think through, and I'd appreciate some time alone." I couldn't take my eyes off her as I emphasized the last word. "I don't understand what the hell is the point of you visiting your old therapist. There are plenty of therapists here who can do the job." "I feel very comfortable with Furvoz, the therapist. He has experience with this, and I don't believe I've got all the information I need." I gave her another meaningful look.

"There's no time for you to be in a hurry, Wanderer, and I recognize the signs." "Forgive me if I don't think your message is unbiased, I know enough about human behavior to recognize the signs of manipulation." She looked at me sullenly. I'm packing a few things I plan to take with me in my rental car.I have enough change of clothes, and basic hygiene items, to last me a week.Even though I don't plan to bring a lot, I keep far less and I have very little accumulation in terms of personal items.After months of living in my tiny apartment, the walls still bare and the shelves empty, I probably never thought I'd settle down here.

Hunter stood on the pavement next to my open car trunk, attacking me with sarcastic questions and comments whenever I came within hearing distance.She was too impatient to follow me overland, at least I was sure of the short time.She's going to fly to Tucson, which is exactly what she's trying to do to humiliate me so I can fly too, thank goodness.I thought about her activities with me: her endless streams every time I stopped to eat, walked around outside the gas station lavatory, whenever my car stopped at a red light. A cross-examination would have awaited me, and the thought of it terrified me.If a new body could free me from the hunter, well, that would be very tempting.

I also have other options.I can give up this world completely, be a loser, and then go through the tenth planet, and I can try to forget all the experiences here.Earth may have been little more than a brief deviation from my otherwise flawless record. But where can I go?A planet I've already experienced?The singing world used to be my favorite planet, but I have to give up my eyesight and accept the darkness.Flower planets are cute, however, and chlorophyll-based life forms don't have several emotions.After experiencing human places, this kind of life can be unbearably slow. A new planet?There is indeed a recently acquired planet - here on Earth, they call their new hosts dolphins, for lack of a better metaphor, although they are more similar to dragonflies than marine mammals.It's a highly developed species and certainly mobile, but after spending so much time with seagrasses, the thought of another aquatic world strikes me as extremely disgusting.

No, there is so much more on this planet that I have never experienced.Nowhere else in the known universe has such an appeal to me as this little green garden on a quiet street.Or the lure of an empty desert sky that I've only seen in Melanie's memory. Melanie hadn't commented on my choice since I decided to go to Forwards?Deep?Waters - She's been quiet since my first therapist.I'm not sure what that detachment means, is she trying to appear less dangerous, less burdensome?Was she preparing herself for the Hunter's invasion?Prepare for death?Or is she preparing to fight me?Trying to take over?

Whatever her plans were, she kept herself at arm's length, a vague and watchful presence in the back of my head. I went indoors one last time, looking for anything that had been forgotten.The apartment looked empty, save for basic furnishings from the previous tenant.The same dishes are still in the cupboard, the pillows are on the bed, the lamp is on the table; if I don't come back, the next tenant won't have anything to clean. The phone rang as I was walking out the door, I turned to answer it, but I was too late.I have set the voicemail system to answer on the first ring.I know people who call me will hear: my slurred explanations, that I will be out for the rest of the semester, that my classes will be canceled until a substitute teacher can be found, no reason given.I looked at the clock on top of the TV, it was just past eight in the morning.I'm sure it's Curt on the phone, who just got a more detailed e-mail I sent him late last night.I feel guilty that I didn't keep my promise to him, almost like I gave up halfway.Maybe this step, this abandonment, is just the prelude to my next decision, a bigger shame, and it feels uncomfortable.This makes me reluctant to hear anything from the message, although I'm really in no rush to leave.

I looked around the empty apartment again.No sense of leaving anything behind me, no fondness for these rooms.I had a strange feeling that the world—not just Melanie, but this whole round planet—needed me no matter how much I wanted it.I just can't seem to root for it, I laugh derisively at the idea of ​​rooting, the feeling is just superstitious bullshit. It's an interesting feeling that none of my hosts has ever been capable of superstition.It's like knowing you're being watched and not being able to find who's watching you gives me the creeps. I closed the door firmly as I left, but did not touch the disused lock.No one will bother with this place until I return or another new resident.

Without glancing at the hunter, I climbed into the car.I haven't driven a car, and neither has Melanie, so it makes me a little nervous, but I'm sure I'll get used to it soon. "I'll be waiting for you in Tucson," Hunter said to me, leaning against the passenger window, as I started the engine. "I have no doubts about it," I muttered under my breath. I find the regulator on the door panel.To hide my smile, I hit the button, raised the glass, and watched her jump backwards. "Perhaps," she said, raising her voice almost to a roar so that I could hear her over the roar of the engine through the closed window, "maybe I'll try your method, maybe I'll See you on the road."

She smiled and shrugged. She said that just to make me feel bad, and I tried hard not to let her see that she was successful.I kept my eyes on the road ahead and carefully pulled the car off the side of the road. It's easy to find the freeway and follow the signs out of San Diego.Soon there will be no signposts, no wrong turns.In eight hours, I'll be in Tucson.It's not long enough, maybe I'll spend the night in some small town along the way.A stop would be a wonderful delay if I could be sure that the hunters would be waiting impatiently ahead rather than following me. I found myself looking in the rearview mirror from time to time, looking for signs of a trail.I was driving slower than anyone, unwilling to reach my destination, other vehicles whizzed past me without stopping, and they drove forward without a face I recognized.I shouldn't have allowed myself to be distracted by the hunter's taunts, she was clearly in no mood for slow going anywhere.I'm still looking for her though.

I headed west to the coastline, followed the beautiful rolling California coastline in a north-south direction, but never headed east.Human civilization soon disappeared behind me, and I was soon surrounded by desolate hills and rocks, the harbingers of the empty desert, the wasteland. Being away from human civilization is so relaxing, it makes me uneasy.I shouldn't feel lonely being so welcome, soul loves to socialize.We live, work and grow together in harmony, we are all the same: peaceful, friendly, honest.Why does being away from my kind make me feel better?Did Melanie make me like this? I searched for her, only to find her dreaming far away in the back of my head. This is the best feeling she's had since she started talking again. Miles of road quickly disappear behind the car.Rough dark stones and dusty plains covered with scrub brushed past in monotonous unity.I realized I was driving faster than I wanted to, and there was nothing to focus my attention on, so I found it difficult to dawdle.Dazed, I don't know why the desert is so much more colorful and overwhelming in Melanie's memory.I let my mind slide with hers, trying to understand what made this empty place special. But she did not look at the sparsely populated, lifeless land that surrounded us.She was dreaming of another desert, a red, magical place with canyons, and she didn't try to push me out.In fact, she was almost unaware of my presence, and I asked her again what she meant by being so distant.I didn't feel the thought to attack, it felt more like preparing for the end. She lived in a happier place of memory, as if she were saying goodbye, a place she had never allowed me to see before. There was a log cabin, an exquisitely designed dwelling nestled in a red sandstone shelter perilously close to the flash flood line.It was an impossible place, far from any trails or roads, built on seemingly pointless sites.A rough place without any of the conveniences modern technology has to offer.She remembers laughing out loud at the sink because the water had to be pumped up from under the ground. It knocks on the pipes, Jared said, as his brows knit together and the crease between his eyes deepened.He seemed concerned by my laughing.Is he worried that I don't like it?There's nothing to track, no evidence that we're here. I love it here, I immediately said, it's like an old movie, it's perfect. The smile that never really faded from his face—even in his sleep, his smile—grew wider.They don't tell you the worst part of the movie.Come on, let me show you where the toilet is. I heard Jamie's laughter echoing in the narrow canyon as he ran ahead of us, his jet-black hair throbbing with his body.He was alive and kicking every day now, a skinny little boy with sunburnt skin.I never realized how much weight those thin shoulders could carry.With Jared, he is always upbeat and cheerful.The anxious look had disappeared, replaced by a hearty laugh.Both of us have been more able to withstand hardships than I expected. Who built this place? My father and brothers.I also helped, or rather, it was a bit of a disservice.My dad likes to get away from it all, and he doesn't really care about convenience.He never bothered to figure out who the land actually belonged to, or to file an application, or anything of that sort.Jared laughed over his shoulder, the sun dancing in his blond hair, and officially, this place didn't exist.Very convenient, isn't it?Without even thinking about it, he reached out and took my hand. When he touched me, the skin there became hot.This feeling is wonderful, but it makes me feel inexplicable pain in my heart. He would touch me like this forever, always seemed to need to reassure himself that I was here.Did he realize what it was doing to me, the simple pressing of his warm palm on top of mine?Would his pulse beat fast in his veins too?Or is he just happy not to be alone anymore? He shook off our arms and went to a small patch of cottonwood, the leaves so bright and alive against the red that teased and blurred my eyes.He's happy here, happier than anywhere.I'm happy too, the feeling is still unfamiliar. He hadn't kissed me since the night we first met, when I found the scar on his neck and screamed out loud.Does he no longer want to kiss me?should i kiss himWhat if he didn't like that? He looked down at me and smiled, the wrinkles around his eyes forming a shallow web.I don't know if he's as handsome as I think he is, or if it's just that he's the only one in the world who's survived besides me and Jamie. No, I don't think so, he's really pretty. What are you thinking, Mel?You seem to be preoccupied with something very important, he asked.He laughed. I shrugged, and my stomach gave a flurry: it's beautiful here. He looked around us: yes.But what, isn't home always beautiful? Home.I repeated the word softly, home. Also your home, if you want it. I want.It seems like every mile I've walked for the past three years has been towards this place.I never want to leave, even though I know we will have to.Food doesn't grow on trees, at least not in the desert. He pinches my hand and my heart beats under my ribs.This joy is like pain. There was a vague sense of Melanie as she passed forward, her thoughts accompanying me through the hot day and staying hours after the sun had set over the red canyon walls.I drove on, almost hypnotized by the endless road in front of me, the monotonous outlines of the bushes racing back from my numb mind. I took a quick look at the cramped little bedroom.The pads are fully rolled out, only inches away from the rough stone walls on either side. Seeing Jamie asleep with his head on the pillow, in a real bed, I felt a genuine joy.His lanky arms and legs spread out, leaving me with little space, which is where I would have wanted to sleep.He's actually much older than I see him in my head, almost ten years old - and soon he won't be a kid anymore, except he'll always be a kid in my eyes. Jamie was breathing evenly and fell asleep soundly.There was no fear in his dream, at least not in this moment. I close the door softly and go back to the little couch where Jared is waiting. Thank you, I whispered, even though I knew that shouting those words wouldn't wake Jamie, and I felt guilty.The couch is too short for you, maybe you should sleep on the bed with Jamie. Jared chuckled, Mel, you're only a few inches shorter than me.Get a good night's sleep, at least this time.Next time I'm out, I'll steal a bed for myself, or something like that. I don't like this for many reasons.Is he leaving soon?Will he take us with him when he goes?Does he think this arrangement of rooms is a permanent thing? He dropped his arms around my shoulders and hugged me beside him.I hastened to get closer to him, though my heart ached again from the touch of his heat. Why are you frowning?he asked. When will you... when will we leave again? He shrugged: We've scavenged enough on our way here to last us months.If you want to stay in one place for a while, I can find food nearby, I'm sure you are tired of running away. Yes, I'm tired, I admit, I took a deep breath to be brave, but if you go, I'll go too. He held me tighter, and I admit, I liked it better that way.At the thought of being separated from you... he chuckled softly, saying I'd rather die, doesn't it sound crazy?too exaggerated? No, I know what you mean. He definitely felt the same way I did.Would he say something like that if he just saw me as another person, not a woman? I realized that this was the first time we had been truly alone since the night we met—the first time a door had closed between the sleeping Jamie and the two of us.We spent so many nights with our eyes open, talking in whispers, telling each other about all our experiences, the happy and the horrible, always with Jamie's head in my lap.It made my breath more and more short, the crudely closed door. I don't think you need a bed, not yet. I felt him looking at me, full of questions, but I couldn't face them.Now I'm embarrassed, it's too late, the words have been spoken. We'll stay here until we run out of food, don't worry, I've slept on worse things than this couch. I do not mean that.I said, still looking down at the ground. You sleep in bed, Mel, and I won't change my mind about that. I don't mean that either.I almost whispered, I mean, the couch was big enough for Jamie.It's going to be a long time before he can't sleep, I can share a bed with... you. There was a pause.I wanted to look up and read the expression on his face, but I was too embarrassed.What if he was disgusted?How can I bear it?Will he drive me away? His warm, hairy fingers cupped my chin.My heart pounded as our eyes met. Mel, I... His face didn't show a smile for the first time. I tried to look away, but he gripped my jaw so I couldn't take my eyes off him.Didn't he feel the fire between our bodies?Is that just how I feel?How could this be all my feelings?It felt like a flat sun trapped between us—like a flower pressed between the pages of a thick book, setting the paper on fire.Did he feel something different?The bad kind? After a while, he stopped.He's the one looking away now, still holding my chin, and his voice is calm: You don't owe me this, Melanie, you don't owe me anything. I'm having trouble getting it: I'm not saying... I don't mean that I feel obligated.And... you shouldn't feel that way either, forget what I said. Impossible, Mel. He sighed, I wanted to find a hole in the ground and go down.Give up - lose your mind, give yourself to the aggressor, if that's the price you need to pay to erase this colossal mistake.Swap the future for the last two minutes of the past, anything. Jared took a deep breath.He squinted at the floor, his eyes and jaw strained.Mel, things don't have to be like that.Just because we're together, just because we're the last man and woman on earth...he doesn't know how to put it, I don't think it's a look I've ever seen on him, that doesn't mean you have to Things you don't want to do.I'm not the kind of man who would expect...you don't have to... He looked so sad, still frowning and looking away, and I found myself talking, even though I knew it was a mistake before I started.I didn't mean that, I whispered, 'had to' isn't something I'm discussing, and I don't think you're 'that kind of man'.No, of course not.only…… It's just that I love him.I grit my teeth lest I embarrass myself further.I should bite my tongue out now, before this ruins everything else. It's just... he asked. I wanted to shake my head, but he still had my chin in his hand. Mel? I broke free, shaking my head violently. He leaned closer to me, and his face suddenly changed.There was a struggle in his expression that I didn't recognize, even if I didn't fully understand, and it erased the rejection that stings my eyes. will you talk to meI beg you.he whispered.I could feel his breath against my face, and it took me a while to think. His eyes made me forget what it was like to be insulted and never want to speak again. If I had to choose someone else, anyone, to be stranded on a deserted planet, it would be you, I whispered, the sun was hotter between us, I always wanted to be with you, and not just ...not just talking.When you touch me... I dared to run my fingers lightly along the line of his arm and it felt like the flame was at its highest point.His arms hugged me tighter.Does he feel the fire?I don't want you to stop.I want to be more precise, but I can't find the right words.That's okay, it's bad enough to confess so much.I understand if you feel differently.Maybe, it's different for you, and that's okay.I'm lying. Oh Mel.He sighed in my ear and turned my face to face him. There were more flames on his lips, fiercer and hotter than anywhere else.I don't know what I'm doing, but it seems to be ok.His hands were in my hair and my heart was on fire.I can't breathe, I don't want to breathe. But his lips moved to my ears, and he cupped my face as I tried to find them again. It was a miracle - not just a miracle - when I found you, Melanie.Now, if I had the choice between regaining the world and having you, I couldn't give you up without saving five billion lives. That's wrong. Very wrong, but very true. Jared.I whispered, trying to find his lips again.He pulled away, as if he had something to say, is there more? but…… but?How could there be a but?How could it start with a but after this flame? But you're only seventeen, Melanie, and I'm twenty-six. So what does it matter? He didn't answer, his hand slowly stroked my arm, it felt like it was on fire. You must be joking.I leaned back so I could see his face, you're going to worry about social conventions when we're past the end of the world? He swallowed loudly, then said: Most social customs exist for a reason, Mel.I would feel bad, like I was taking advantage, you are very young. No one is young anymore, and anyone who has survived this long is an antique. A smile played on one side of his mouth: Maybe you're right, but it's not something we need to rush into. What are you waiting for?I asked. He hesitated for a long time, thinking. Well, one thing, there are some... practical things to consider. I don't know if he's just trying to distract me, trying to evade it, and that's what it feels like.I raise my eyebrows, I can't believe the conversation has come to this.It's stupid if he really wants me. See, he explained, hesitantly.Beneath his deep golden skin, it looked like he might be blushing, and when I was stocking up here, I didn't really plan on having... guests.I mean...the rest of the words were rushed out, and having a baby was the last thing on my mind. I felt my brow wrinkle: oh. The smile disappeared from his face, and there was a flash of anger that I had never seen before.It made him look dangerous, and I never thought he'd have anything to do with being dangerous.I do not wish to bring my children into such a world. The words were slowly absorbed, and the thought of innocent little babies opening their eyes to the world made me cringe.It was bad enough looking into Jamie's eyes and knowing where this life was going to take him, even in the best possible circumstances. Jared was suddenly free again, the skin around his eyes puckered.Besides, we have plenty of time... to think about it.Prevaricating again, I suspect, do you realize how short our time together has been so far?It's only been four weeks since we found each other. This beats me.impossible. Twenty-nine days, I'm counting. I reviewed it.It can't be that it's only been twenty-nine days since Jared changed our lives.It seemed like Jamie and I spent as much time with Jared as we did alone.Two or three years, maybe. We have time.Jared said. A sudden panic, like a warning omen, kept me speechless for a long time.He watched the change in my face with concern. You don't understand this.The desperation softened when he found me whipped me around like a whip, and you had no way of knowing how much time we'd have.You don't know whether we should count in months, days or hours. He laughed warmly and kissed the place where my brows frown together with his lips.Don't worry, Mel.Miracles don't happen that way.I will never lose you, I will never let you go from me. She brought me back to the present—to the days when the ribbon-like highways coiled through the Arizona wilderness and baked in the midday sun—and I chose not to return.I stare at the emptiness ahead and feel the emptiness inside. Her thoughts sigh vaguely in my head: You never know how much time you have left. The tears that flow when I cry belong to both of us.