Chapter 40 first quarter

Since sending Ma Kuo away, Qiniang has become thinner and more silent.A complex expression of sadness, panic, anxiety, and anticipation appeared in her clear, bright eyes. This expression once appeared when her father was critically ill, and now appeared again after sending her husband away. .She can immerse herself in this complex of expressions for half an hour, or even several hours.To meditate with this expression was a corner of the mind, and she would have been willing to hide in that corner all day, if she was not disturbed by other business.Only when she was noticed, questioned, or interrupted, would she come hurriedly out of that corner, giving a bleak smile of apology and contrition, as if she had done It's the same as what I'm sorry for.

In that society, a woman was not free to openly express that she missed her husband, and although those around her loved her and did not resent her for it, she herself was aware of it. Mrs. Liu Qi, who paid more attention to her than others, noticed that even hiding in that horn could not make her feel better.Mrs. Liu Kai noticed that since that day, whether in silence, sadness, or in her bleak smile, Mrs. Qin has lost a "self-mastery" me, and this "I" is sending her husband away. At the same time, following his distinctive horseshoe prints, she went to the front line to find him. At this time, what was left hiding in the corner was nothing more than her body.

Mrs. Liu Qi's first thought was to comfort her. Just like the conventional thinking held by normal people, all pain, even the deepest pain, is nothing but a psychological wrinkle. iron it patiently, and one day it will be smoothed.Mrs. Liu Qi made several attempts, but did not receive the expected results. Then she came to the conclusion that Mianniang's pain was a psychological split. Her heart was broken and split. If she couldn't fundamentally Eliminate the cause of my mother's pain (which she cannot do), close the cracks in her heart, and no matter how hot the iron of sympathy is, it will not work.Mrs. Liu Kai understands day by day that in the face of such profound pain, all verbal and spiritual comfort is nothing but a kind deception.She started with a good wish and ended up with a futile deception, which did not relieve her mother's pain at all, but she felt very ashamed and guilty.

Mrs. Liu Qi has not experienced the emotional journey that Mianniang is going through. She and Liu Qi got married in Tokyo, when he had left his actual military life and was working in the court.When she and her husband get together, their family atmosphere is more warm and harmonious. If he goes on a business trip and leaves her alone at home, she also has her own life to live.She and her husband are not only two in one, but they also become an independent unit of life.She judges her mother by her own emotional scale: parting at the beginning of marriage is of course particularly embarrassing, and her husband has gone out to serve in the army, so she really has to take some risks. Hate, that's totally understandable.But now, the heavy and self-forgetful feelings that Erniang is showing are not only feelings that she has never seen before, but also feelings that she has never heard of, which makes her extremely strange.

Mrs. Liu Kai still has to make another effort to try to lure her out of this painful situation.One day, the weather was warm and the sun was shining brightly. Outside the gate, there were noisy cars and horses and pedestrians. It was a standard day for an outing.She held her mother's hand and asked with a smile: "Sister, it's such a fine day, and the house is free, so would you like to accompany my sister to the Jinming Lake..." This is another kind of deception. She clearly wants to go out for a walk with Yanniang in her heart, but what she says is that she hopes that Yanniang will accompany her to play.Maybe Erniang would go out with her because of her affection.But before she could finish her sentence, she was interrupted by the frightened and hurried expression of the mother.This expression of Er Niang shows that she cannot admit that there are other centers of life besides the one she is now thinning, mourning, and smiling desolately.Asking her to visit Jinmingchi and temporarily forget what was on her mind would be tantamount to asking her to admit the possibility of building another living center, even if it was temporary.In her silent refusal, there was also a condemnation of her sister for making such a request that she could not tolerate. Mrs. Liu Kai couldn't help but let go of the hand she was holding, and blushed.

Love has different levels of depth and various forms of expression that are suitable for each person. Mrs. Liu Kai believed that she loved her husband dearly and was also loved by him dearly, and each of them expressed it in the most enthusiastic form allowed by the social conditions at that time.Mrs. Liu Qi is not a woman who is willing to be bound by the rules of society.They can be regarded as a model couple in Tokyo, a loving couple.Their so-called "goodness of Qin and Se" has far exceeded the general level, and is envied by people. But now she sees a completely different kind of love in Erniang. Compared with herself, there is not only a difference in form, but also a gap in degree that she has to admit.For a person like her who has always been confident in a happy married life and sincere love, it takes a fierce ideological struggle to admit the latter layer.

If Mrs. Liu Qi had never met Erniang before, if she hadn't spent the past few months, if she had only heard about such a stubborn and unreasonable love from others, she might be surprised , maybe she is going to laugh at her as a fun thing.She may also continue to inquire about this eccentric girl to increase the content of the ridicule and satisfy her curiosity.This is not out of frivolity, but out of ignorance.Because she has no such perceptual knowledge, and she has never seen or heard of this kind of irrational Huashanji-style passion in real life-ready to sacrifice a life for the other party at any time, without any consideration of the significance of this sacrifice. no need.When love reaches its depths, it completely rejects reason.Because Mrs. Liu Qi does not have such an understanding, it is impossible to understand that love can reach such a depth.

But now she saw this with her own eyes, and saw every detail of Yanniang's psychological process, and was greatly moved by it, plus her boundless love for Yanniang.It made her know all about herself, to acknowledge the possibility of this depth, and to be conquered by it. From the day when Erniang refused to accompany her on a trip, she gave up all attempts to comfort her, determined to share her pain by being her silent confidant in her sorrow and loneliness.She violated her living habits for many years. In that season, she never went to Jinmingchi once, and even rarely went out to other places.

A pure, absolute, and complete emotional life does not exist in real life. People cannot live in an emotional vacuum, just as they cannot live in a vacuum of air.They each have a family, and there are many small but unavoidable chores waiting for them.Mrs. Liu Qi is in a relatively high-level social class. Although she tried her best to compress her circle of friends so that she could spend more time with her, she still had some unavoidable social activities, so she had to go out to deal with them.She always leaves in a hurry before the seat is warmed up, so that people in that circle think that she has changed, but they don't understand the reason for her change.In addition, they have a common patient to serve. Zhao Long still stays at his home as Liu Qi's respected elder and guest, and he is still unable to get out of bed.No matter how busy he was, Liu Qi had to take time out to chat with him every day, talking about the front-line news he knew and could let him know, even this could not make him happy.At these times, both of them have to accompany them. At this time, it is even more necessary to use Mrs. Liu Kai's light-hearted market news to adjust the dull news on the front line.But it is difficult for her to even do this now, because her own mood is not easy.Whenever she had free time, she brought her needlework to accompany the mothers of the horses, helping them overcome the difficulties of life at home in Tokyo to which they had not yet fully adapted.If it is said that she did this out of enthusiasm in the past, then doing it now has an added meaning of sharing labor and worries for her mother.She did all of this in such a subtle way, so invisible, that Erniang forgot that she was a beneficiary.

It's only when the two of them are together and there's nothing at hand to distract them that there's a moment of emotional vacuum.This moment was exclusively theirs.They could talk about him for an hour or two in a row, and Mrs. Liu Qi heard more about him from her husband than she herself knew.These recollections, combined with elements of fantasy and enlargement, make it a never-ending source of conversation.Sometimes a sentence, a small memory, a possible idea can be repeated ten or twenty times.Only a conversation centered on him could excite her, refresh her, and enable her to give her unreservedly the childhood memories cherished in her heart.At such times, she becomes bold, unrestrained and passionate.She surprised her by challenging society with a fearless attitude that defied everything and broke through everything more than herself.Sometimes, Mrs. Liu Kai could see that she was tired, and knew how much energy she had exhausted in the silent sorrow, so she stayed silent with her and only pressed her palms on hers. words, consolation and tenderness.And Qiniang herself kept her hand pressed for a long time without moving, which was the acquiescence of Qiniang's gratitude and acceptance of her warmth.

The moment of companionship, or passion, or silence, is sacred and inviolable to them.Let it be extended for as long as they can. The well-informed Liu Qi knew the news of Ma Kuo's envoy to the Liao court very early on, and everyone in the official circle understood that it was a kind of ostracism from his colleagues and asked him to engage in a gamble with his head as a bargaining chip.If he fails, let him lose his head, and if he succeeds, everyone can share the benefits.He couldn't help but sweat for his brother.After that, they received news of the defeat of the front line one after another.Apart from grief, indignation and worry, the first thing he considered was the possible repercussions these news might cause on Zhao Long, Ma Mu and Er Niang.He decided to try his best to keep the bad news secret before he learned the real situation of his father and son, not to let it out, not even to his wife. Mrs. Liu Qi cannot be blocked. She has learned about the defeat at the front line from other channels, and heard even worse rumors, saying that "Yili Mali" was alone in the battle, and his whereabouts are still unknown.Tokyo is a very sensitive city and a factory of rumors. As usual, it is necessary to exaggerate the "Yili Mali" who has become a news figure.Mrs. Liu Kai asked Liu Kai about this.Liu Kai, who was well aware of Ma Kuo's character and behavior, was also apprehensive, fearing that what he said was true, but he denied it on the surface.Mrs. Liu Kai was worried, and went to other places to inquire again. This time, the legend was even more exaggerated. Even Mrs. Liu Kai could clearly feel its exaggerated part, but the most substantive question, whether Ma Kuo Safe return no, still not definitively confirmed. The world in which Erniang lives is pure, there is nothing to hide, and there are not many things to avoid. It is with this pure and true power that she moved and conquered Mrs. Liu Qi.Of course, the world in which Mrs. Liu Qi lives is much more complicated. She has understood and got used to the mutual restriction relationship between people since she was a child.There is a limit to what can be said and what must be concealed.The more integrated this scale is, and the less it exceeds the rules, the higher the level of a person's art of life.According to this principle, when she left Ren Niang, she repeatedly warned herself to keep it strictly confidential. She fully understood the dire consequences that would result if Ren Niang got the news, but when she was with Ren Niang Seeing her clear pensive and questioning eyes together, she felt a real power oppressing her, condemning her to keep the secret from her presence.On several occasions, she almost leaked the secret, and she tried to restrain herself at the last moment if she wanted to tell the truth about the legends she had heard.At those times, although reason barely gained the upper hand, she couldn't help giving in before her feelings.Once again, she had the criminal consciousness of deceiving her mother. One day, when Li Niang's hand was held tightly by her, Li Niang couldn't help asking in amazement: "Sister! Why are your hands so cold?" "No...nothing." "My sister's voice trembled, and my sister's complexion turned pale. How can you say there's nothing wrong?" Mrs. Liu Kai's unnatural panic attracted Erniang's attention, and she must ask why: "What happened to my sister, why don't you let my sister know?" "It's really nothing." Mrs. Liu Qi had already decided in her heart to tell the truth, and she was willing to bear all the consequences.But by force of habit, it was still a lie that blurted out.Her courage was gone.Now that the lie has been uttered, she simply follows it: "My sister felt a little uncomfortable this morning. I think she caught a cold at night. It's much better now. If you don't believe me, just touch my sister's forehead." "My sister has endured so much hardship and taken so many risks for my sister!" I don't believe that there is still a tendency to lie between people, especially between my sister who is so close that I seem to have condensed into one body, and myself. possibility.Yan Niang really kissed my sister's cold forehead with her hot cheeks, but she didn't feel that her sister had a fever, so she persuaded her seriously and caringly, "My sister is fine, but I'm exhausted, and the fever hasn't gone yet." Sent it out, the nasal sound is heavy, sister must take care of yourself!" At this sensitive moment, in the unease of imagination and suspense, relying on this unreliable blockade wall, the mother, her father and her mother-in-law finally survived the truly explosive crisis. Dangerous and most difficult days.

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