Chapter 4 Chapter Four Landing on the Island of Memories

On Saturday, the cold air from the north carried a lot of dust and haze, all piled up in the air, and even the sun could not penetrate it.But it was still a sunny day. Hongmei complained that she had a fever and lay down on the bed, even refusing to make breakfast.I cooked eggs and bacon myself, and made sandwiches for Xiaoxuan.From the dining room to the living room, the aroma of coffee and toast is everywhere.I like western breakfast, but Jing Xueping has never been used to it. Jing Xueping—is he dead? No one in the world knows the answer better than me.Because I am his wife.once.I have been entangled with Jing Xueping for more than 20 years. We spent the most valuable half of our lives on each other.Whether he is alive or dead, how could I not know?

But, today I want to give myself an explanation. As soon as nine o'clock arrived, Bai Lu came to ring the doorbell.I told Xiaoxuan to go to Duojia by myself, and then we set off with Bai Lu. After picking up the car from the garage, Bai Lu sat in the driver's seat comfortably, as if she had become my full-time driver. She started the car and I watched her from the side.Something unusual must have happened to her, and Bai Lu stood out at a speed of daily updates.That brilliance dazzles the eyes and ears.The sky can't be covered by the haze. The strange thing is that she still carefully maintains her original appearance on the surface, as if she is afraid of being seen through.

My heart skipped a beat—it's not like I haven't seen a precedent. "Mr. Zhu, where are we going?" I name an address. "Hospital?" Bai Lu was a little nervous, "Are you sick?" "It's okay, I'm going to visit an old friend." Bai Lu nodded, concentrated on driving, and stopped talking.Even if she wanted to chat, she would wait for me to speak first.What kind of things and people did this girl encounter in her past life, so she became mature beyond her age? I'm so worthless for her.Just in his early twenties, he was patient everywhere. If he lived to be eighty years old, he would have to endure for a full year.What's the point of living like this?

But then again, how can life be considered interesting? I asked her, "Bai Lu, what is your ideal life like?" "Me?" She looked startled. "Yes, I ask you." "I... haven't thought about it." Ok, let me change the question. "So, what is your ideal love like?" I said, "Don't tell me you haven't thought about it, unless you don't admit that you are a woman." "..." "Or do multiple-choice questions," I will never let her go this time, "One end is the love of reality that is easy to grasp; It’s the best, but you can’t ask for it, so you have to make a choice.”

"Even if you get it, you lose it." She interrupted me. "what?" "The more cherished, the more painful it is to lose it. So it's better not to." "So pessimistic?" I was surprised, not realizing that Bai Lu had quietly changed the subject. "Because I have witnessed..." Her voice became low, "so I can't imagine myself having a similar experience." It is inconvenient for me to continue asking. After a long time, I said: "If you have a past, even if you lose it in the end, you will not live in vain. This is my proposition. It is useless to just escape passively, because you will still fall into it sooner or later if you are not reconciled."

Bai Lu turned her face to the side and smiled at me.It's good to be young, no matter how you look at it, you are beautiful. "I will remember your words," she said. The hospital is here.Because we had contacted in advance, we went directly to the chief of internal medicine's office. Chief Physician Ding Jiaxing stood up from the table and held out his hand to me with a smile: "Zhu Ran, long time no see." "haven't seen you for a long time." Ding Jiaxing is a neighbor of my hometown. We grew up together and maintained a good relationship after we got married.It is a great convenience to have a doctor friend.I used to entrust Dr. Ding for any health problems I had until three years ago.

That time Ding Jiaxing called me suddenly, saying that Jing Xueping had come to see a doctor at his place.Things were not going well, and Ding told me on the phone that he needed to discuss the treatment plan with me in detail. "Old Ding," I remember saying that at the time, "Jing Xueping has already broken up with me. Didn't he tell you?" Ding Jiaxing faltered: "I know, I know. But I think... when encountering such a big matter, I should always discuss it with you. There is no other reliable person around him." "He still has a wife." I hung up the phone.

After that, Ding Jiaxing gradually alienated me.For me, I don't want to talk about Jing Xueping with him; for him, it seems that I have a prejudice against me.In particular, what I can't figure out is why Ding Jiaxing is my old friend, why he is biased towards Jing Xueping.After Jing Xueping passed away, I saw Ding Jiaxing from a distance at the memorial service.We have not been in touch since then. Today, exactly one year after Jing Xueping's death, I came to ask Lao Ding about the inside story of his illness. Ding Jiaxing took out a stack of documents. "I have copied all the medical records, and they are all here."

"Thank you, I'll take a look at these." I said, "Can you clarify the key points?" Lao Ding sighed: "Zhu Ran, everyone is gone. It's useless to talk now." Overtones: You didn't care at the beginning, but now it's an afterthought.I can't understand what he meant: "Old Ding, please tell me." Ding Jiaxing sighed again: "Actually, what I can't figure out the most is that Jing Xueping didn't have to die." I look at him. "When Jing Xueping came to me, his liver cirrhosis was quite serious, but he was not cured. The solution I suggested to him, and the only one that could save his life, was liver transplantation."

I still look at him. Ding Jiaxing felt unnaturally stared at by me, touched his nose: "Well, I called you that time because I wanted to discuss liver transplantation with you." "Why are you talking to me?" "Because Jing Xueping does not agree to the transplant and thinks the cost is too high. I think it's a pity, so I thought of looking for you." "How much does a transplant cost?" "The total cost of the operation is about 700,000 yuan, and the follow-up treatment will be another 100,000 yuan. It can be up to 800,000 yuan. I am sure that he can return to a normal life. If there is no accident, he will live for decades. question."

"Eight hundred thousand?" I was really surprised, "Does he disagree?" "He said there was no money." I murmured: "How is it possible?" "Is he rich?" "Of course." I replied blankly, "When we divorced me, Jing Xueping took away all the joint deposits of our husband and wife. The money is not much, only about one hundred thousand. But our house also belongs to him. Although it is not The mansion is in a good location, and it can be worth at least three million." "That doesn't make sense. I thought you had all the money..." "No." I categorically denied, "The money and the house are in Jing Xueping's hands. It is he who wants the money but not his life." "Maybe it's because you're reluctant to sell the house?" "When people are gone, what's the use of a house." Ding Jiaxing shook his head exaggeratedly: "I can't understand. I can't understand." I can't understand it either.What does Jing Xueping do with the money and the house?Ni Shuangxia herself has an old house in the suburbs and a pension for living, so she doesn't need extra money or real estate at all.Jing Xueping also doesn't touch eating, drinking, whoring, gambling, and drugs.He's the nicest man I know.The rules are so boring. Unless—a woman? I myself can't help but laugh.how is this possible…… Oh no.I had an epiphany!In the middle of the night, the mysterious phone call from the young woman said that Jing Xueping wanted to see me for the last time... I excitedly asked loudly: "Old Ding, did Jing Xueping die in this hospital? You have a hospice care facility." ?" Ding Jiaxing didn't understand my words: "Hospice care? No, this is a hospital. Only the mortuary. Besides, Jing Xueping didn't die here. He rejected my proposed treatment plan and left. He never came back." I stayed for a while— "Then, I'm taking my leave." I wanted to get up. "Wait," Ding Jiaxing tapped his head suddenly, "I remember." He took out his mobile phone from his pocket and pressed it hard, "There is such a place. Where is it? I wrote down the address. Haha ,it's here!" He showed me the address book.an unfamiliar address.Far away and across the sea. Ding Jiaxing explained to me: "At that time, I was in the United States to participate in a one-month research visit. I suddenly received a domestic long-distance call from a hospice, saying that Jing Xueping was in their critical condition and in great pain. They His medical level is limited, he is really pitiful, and he knew the relationship with me from him, so he contacted me immediately. I implore me to go there no matter what, and help him relieve some pain. But I am abroad, so I can’t make it Go over!" "So you didn't go?" I asked blankly. "I arranged for the doctors in the department to go. But it's not their official job after all, and the place is far away. Later, to show off my face, I rushed over on the weekend, but Jing Xueping had already left." I write down the address. Ding Jiaxing was still rambling: "When I get back to China, I will call right away. The girl who answered the phone is not the girl who called me." "girl?" "Yeah, it sounded very young and childish. But when I called again to ask, it was replaced by someone else. I didn't know anything about Jing Xueping's situation. I just said that he was not good enough and picked him up." "I see." "Zhu Ran, what I mean is..." Ding Jiaxing sent me to the door, hesitantly said, "No matter what, Jing Xueping has already gone. All the grievances and grievances of the dead have been put aside, and the living should let go .Don't get too hung up on it." Where did the wind blow a grain of fine sand into the corner of his eye.The small but distinct sourness makes me flustered and eyes hot.I forced a smile: "Old Ding, I understand. Thank you." After all, old friends.In addition to arguing for Jing Xueping, Lao Ding still bestowed his kindness on me.It's a pity that I can't tell this good old man: none of the grievances and grievances will disappear, and it's like a sore that takes root and sprouts, intending to swallow me up. Seeing the address, no matter how calm Bai Lu was, her expression finally changed. "How about it, let's go?" I smiled, "Just treat it as a weekend outing." She set up the navigation and started the car silently. Drive over the bridge and through the tunnel.The thin mist in the city turns into a thick haze when it reaches the sea, laying in front of it like a wall.Our car was like a Maoshan Taoist priest casting spells, passing through the wall all the way.It's just that this wall is boundless, and it seems that it can never reach the end. The sea is almost invisible by the fog, but the heart can always appreciate its vast existence.Going all the way, chasing the other side, rushing to the death of Jing Xueping that I have avoided for hundreds of days and nights. More than a year ago, what kind of state of mind was he walking on this road? Regarding Jing Xueping's death, many people thought I was too heartless.Even myself, I force myself to think this way.Because I know too well that a soft heart will lead to eternal doom. "...It's late, it's late." "What did you say?" Bai Lu glanced at me, and I knew what she wanted to say.It's nothing more than consolation - it's too late, and too much self-blame is useless.She was mistaken, and they were all mistaken. When I say "late", I mean myself.After embarking on this road of no return, it will be too late to turn back. When did it all begin? "Mom, this is Xiaojing, Jing Xueping." The haggard face on the sofa lifted up, and his eyes glanced at me and Jing Xueping in turn.My throat was astringent, Jing Xueping called out generously: "Auntie." Mom was startled, her eyes suddenly lit up.She looked Jing Xueping up and down carefully. The room was filled with the smell of medicine, and I had difficulty breathing, so I had to turn my attention out of the window.It was windy and rainy last night, the small courtyard was full of fallen leaves, and the mud was a mess.I imagine the crisp air outside after a rain.Even with rotting leaves, there is still the freshness of plants.In this room, there is only a foul smell.I couldn't stay there for even a second, but couldn't leave. "Ran Ran, what did you call this person for?" Mom suddenly asked. I am speechless. After the Spring Festival, my mother's old illness relapsed, and the doctor declared that her time was numbered.After that, my days were spent running between home and the hospital.At that time, he was only twenty-five years old, and his physical strength was still sufficient, but his mind was rapidly aging.No one wants to see their loved ones wilt, wither, and die, but no one can avoid it.During that time, I truly experienced the pain of life. My mother is well aware of her condition, but her temper is much milder than at the beginning of the illness.The only wish she made to me was to have a good home for me.In other words, I want to hand her a satisfactory son-in-law within a rather tight deadline. I thought of Jing Xueping. It's not that there are no suitors around, and I have dated a few on and off since college.But after a series of accidents at home, I lost interest.To me, men are like desserts after a meal, they can only embellish the emptiness of my soul, but they don't help my hunger and thirst at all.As soon as there was some trouble in life, I sent them all away. Men cannot enrich me.The only one who can accompany me is myself. Mom gave me a problem. I decided to find a temporary worker to satisfy my mother's last wish.In addition to being able to deceive the mother's piercing eyes, this person must also know how to measure and know how to advance and retreat.During the performance of the contract, he can fulfill his duties, and when the contract is terminated, he can break up at once, never procrastinating, and harboring delusions. It's not easy. Among the men with similar conditions, they either did not approve of this idea, or worried about a lot of trouble, or simply wanted to take advantage of it.I didn't have the luxury to advertise openly in newspapers.After searching and searching, there was only one candidate left - Jing Xueping. I thought of Jing Xueping because I knew earlier that he could do anything for me. After graduation, I had no contact with Jing Xueping, and suddenly contacted him on my own initiative, which frightened this gentleman into panic.Let's meet at a coffee shop.I finished the ins and outs in one breath, and I didn't even have time to take a sip of the coffee in front of them. "Temporarily..." he murmured. "Yes, no later than the end of the year." I calmly stated my mother's deadline.You will get used to everything, death is talked about a lot, and it becomes commonplace. "Yes Yes." "is it okay?" "Zhu Ran..." The way he hesitated to speak annoyed me the most, but now I have something to ask for, so I had to endure it.I asked again, "How is it? Is it okay?" in as gentle a tone as possible. Even women can be coquettish, depending on the timing. Jing Xueping lowered his head: "I have a girlfriend, and I just went to her parents' house recently." My head started to ache, and I was stunned for a while before I said, "It won't affect you. Don't worry." "Really not?" "I promise!" I became anxious, "I just want you to accompany me to visit patients a few times. If there is any problem, I will explain it to your girlfriend in person." "No, no, no... no need." Jing Xueping agreed, of course he could only agree.I didn't intend to care about how he settled his girlfriend, this matter has nothing to do with me. I found out later that he broke up with his girlfriend on the day he agreed to me.In this matter, Jing Xueping is definitely more far-sighted than me. The hospital stopped treating my mother, and I took her home—to die. The cold air came one after another, and the autumn was deep all night.So this weekend, I brought Jing Xueping to my mother. But she forgot about this? I knelt down and held my mother's hands on her knees: "Mom, this is Jing Xueping. I told you, my boyfriend." My mother threw off my hand: "You lied to me, because I was going to die, so you lied to me like this!" I panicked: "I didn't lie to you. Mom, it's true!" Mom pointed at Jing Xueping's nose: "Him? How could he be your boyfriend?" Jing Xueping blushed from embarrassment. "Ran Ran, you can't just grab someone from the street to fill up the number just to satisfy my wish." I wanted to cry but had no tears: "No, I didn't just pull it here." "Liar! I don't believe you will marry such a person?" "Yes," I could only bite the bullet and insist, "Of course I will. I will marry Jing Xueping." The mother's face was full of contempt: "Why? What's so good about him? Why did you fall in love with this person?" I lowered my head to look for the seam.I have never been so humiliated in my life. "Auntie, I love Zhu Ran. We will get married." I stared at Jing Xueping, but he also squatted down, right next to me. "What did you say?" "I love her, I love Zhu Ran." I almost fainted.Is this what Jing Xueping can and should say?It's rare that he still has a sincere face, and his acting skills surpass Chow Yun-fat.That's all, that's all.Go through this level first, and settle the score later. Mom really seemed to be fascinated by him.His eyes became brighter, and there was a rare trace of life on his haggard face. "How much love?" "Very, very loving." A standard line in a romance film.I can't wait to lose my ears. "Will you love her forever?" "I will love her forever." They talked like no one else was there.I was completely dumbfounded. My mother let out a "hehe" laugh from her throat, coupled with the scorched cheeks and limp limbs, the effect was particularly frightening.If I wasn't her biological daughter, I'm afraid I would run away immediately after seeing this scene.But I can't escape.Jing Xueping didn't run away either, he stepped forward and held his mother's hands tightly. "Ran Ran, I'm relieved if you marry him." My mother said this out of breath. I am speechless, there is nothing more bloody than this in a romantic drama.Alas, as long as my mother is happy, she can do whatever she wants. This ups and downs exhausted my mother's poor physical strength.She soon fell into a coma. I took Jingkoping away. It started to rain again, light and dense.The shoes stepped on the wet leaves, leaving muddy marks all the way. "Umbrella." Jing Xueping put the umbrella on my head. "No." I pushed his hand away. "It's going to get wet." "I like." I quicken my pace and distance myself from Jing Xueping.He reluctantly put away his umbrella and followed me in small steps.I glanced at him, his hair was already wet on his forehead, but his umbrella was tucked under his armpit, which looked very funny. I want to tell him that I hate men who hold umbrellas, and even more hate men who carry umbrellas but don't hold them up. I stood still, turned to face him, and said, "Thank you." "……You're welcome." "Scenes like today may happen several times." "Ah yes." "You did a good job, in the future..." I wanted to say, don't be so nasty like today.But Jing Xueping stared at me blankly.I can't go on.The raindrops seemed to fall into his eyes, so clear. He whispered, "Zhu Ran, I understand." Humph, you understand, what do you understand? "Put up your umbrella." "what?" "A few more words to say." "Is that so..." Jing Xueping looked around and suddenly grabbed my hand.I was caught off guard and pulled into a roof by him. "You can't get wet here." He said happily, "Speak slowly." He looked at me again with a smile, but his face turned red. Here are all three-story old-fashioned row courtyards.The doorway is deep and high.We stand side by side under the roof.In the alley in the afternoon, there is silence, only the rain is ticking. "My mother is very sick." I started, "It turns out that she has a very good mind, extremely smart, and capable. She is also in good health, full of energy, and has a good way of dealing with people. She has always had the final say in our family. I Dad... listens to her everything. They are known as a model couple." I stopped and cleared my throat.It's far more difficult than imagined. "Our family of three had a very good and happy life. But in the Spring Festival of the year before last, my father left home a letter and ran away. It was something I could never have imagined. My mother and I were stunned. In my father's letter My mother never told me what she wrote. At first she just desperately looked for him and contacted all of my father's acquaintances, and she almost didn't report the crime. But no matter what she tried, my father never came back. Later I slowed down. Slowly I heard that Dad eloped with a female colleague in his unit. The two have been dating for a while, and rumors have spread, but it just didn't reach Mom. Or, she once heard There were some rumors, but they were all ignored. For my mother, her marriage was unbreakable and could not be questioned at all. However, the collapse came so suddenly and completely. After more than half a year like this, my mother finally had to accept the fact, Her marriage is over." I stopped again.Looking at the distance through the rain and fog, it seems that there is a scenery worth seeing.Actually nothing.I felt an arm go over my shoulder and I didn't move away.Then the arm got tighter and tighter. I continued, "Mom is broken. She's a whole other person. Grumpy and moody. Everyone sympathizes with her and puts it together at first. She's getting weirder and soon becomes completely unreasonable. So everyone starts hiding again." She. I was the only one who could not hide. Then, she was diagnosed with a terminal illness. Although cancer is the result of long-term disease, I always felt that my mother got sick because of my father's departure. She was full of confusion and resentment towards life , These grew into cancerous tumors in her body. Then came all kinds of torture: surgery, chemotherapy, radiotherapy, round after round. Only I was with her, watching her suffer, watching her body go It was destroyed bit by bit. Like a clay sculpture, first the paint was peeled off, and then the patterns were erased. One day the hair was shaved, and the next day the tongue was dug out..." I was trembling all over, and my teeth couldn't stop. Jing Xueping hugged me tightly, and my head naturally rested on his shoulder. "You've seen it all, she only has a mud tire left today." I opened my eyes wide open desperately to keep the tears from streaming down. Jing Xueping opened his mouth, but made no sound. The hot magma was still churning in my chest, and I slowly let out a long breath: "I'm sorry to tell you this." Without waiting for his answer, I immediately said, "Mom's mind is no longer clear. I'm lucky for her, In the last few days, it was better for her to be confused than to be sober. So what she said today can't be taken seriously. " Finally finished.Only then did I realize that my whole body was sweating due to debility, and when the wind blew, it was cold from head to toe. I look at Jingkoping, and he looks at me too. "But I mean it," he said. "Well?" "I mean it." He said it again, with a steady tone and open eyes. I laughed out loud.Jing Xueping actually wanted to take advantage of the fire?too exaggerated. "Zhu Ran, don't laugh." He was still in a hurry. I laughed harder: "Hahaha, then... what do you want?" "Let me take care of you" He must have mobilized all his courage to say this sentence. I have a hundred counterattacks, ridicule, and insulting words, but I can't say them all.For the first time in my life, Jing Xueping stunned me.Because I saw pity and so much sorrow in his eyes.It was as if he was placing a bet that was destined to lose money for his own life. I was still laughing, but I knew it was extremely bleak. "Zhu Ran, I'm telling the truth. Please believe me." Jing Xueping emphasized again. "I didn't say I didn't believe it." "You were a gullible man." I thought I heard wrong. "What did you say?" Jing Xueping shook his head: "It's nothing." He also smiled, "Let me take care of you, Zhu Ran. Let me take care of you." He laughed more bleakly than I did. I suddenly lost all my strength and leaned softly in his arms. We are still under the roof.After talking for such a long time, no one passed through the alley. It is God who specially set aside this space for us, and only let the drizzle accompany us. "But I have to take care of my mother first and send her away properly." "I will help you." "Life and death, sickness and death, how can it be so hard." "It's bitter. So no one likes it, but no one can avoid it." I took Jing Xueping's hand and squeezed it hard.Life-saving straw. "This kind of suffering is enough once, and I don't want to experience it a second time in this life." "Okay, Zhu Ran. I promise, I won't let you suffer a second time." Looking back today, Jing Xueping kept his word.At least, he didn't give me the opportunity to witness him suffer and die.He chooses to leave.A person hides and dies. What kind of death place did he choose? After going to the island, there is no highway. The address we are going to cannot be found on the gps, only the approximate location of the jurisdiction.Driving all the way, gradually even the concrete road disappeared.The car bumped on the uneven loess, and after a while my back hurt.It is hard to imagine how a seriously ill person survived this journey. first.one to go. Fortunately, he was already dying when he left, so he probably wouldn't feel anything. A gloomy sky weighed overhead.Apart from dead trees on both sides of the road, there are weeds.There aren't any signs pointing the way, but there's only one way, so you shouldn't go wrong. Bai Lu drove without saying a word, I think she must be clenching her teeth. The end of the road.In the middle of the large expanse of gravel and sand, a one-story house stood alone. Thin clouds of smoke rose from one corner of the room.Have you already started preparing dinner?Too.The biological clock in the countryside is set two or three hours faster than in big cities. I walked towards the direction of the smoke, and Bai Lu was slightly behind. The door was open.A dark dirt floor, a few wooden tables and benches.Rice was cooking on the stove, and the smoke was gushing out in bursts.An old man with white beard and hair was sitting by the door, wearing an apron.It must be the cook. I went up to say hello. The old man's face was full of wrinkles, and his shriveled mouth was wide open in a smile.While waving, he said, "Sit down, sit down." I just found out that he had lost his eyesight. Blind cook. Oh, nothing surprising.Life is an illusion, and this place is an illusion within an illusion. If the negative is positive, it is real.Sitting next to the old man.Time seemed to stop.I just feel at ease. I didn't have time to introduce my identity and purpose of coming, the old man had already started talking.I asked a question, and he answered a question. It turned out to be a nursing home run by the people.As I'd guessed, this isn't a hospice at all.But there is nothing wrong with that.If the old man lives here, he will live there until he dies.The question is, how did Jing Xueping find this place? I brought up Jing Xueping's name. "Yes, yes. I remember this man. He came and then left. I heard he died long ago." The old man smiled more and more kindly.Looking at his expression, death seems to be such a pleasant thing—— What is he here for? Come find someone. Who are you looking for? Can not remember. Did he find it? No, it seems not. Then he left? No, he stayed. Why stay? He fell ill and couldn't get out of bed.I can't go. How long has he lived? How many months?half a year?a year?Can not remember.I am getting old and my memory is getting worse.Can't remember anything. Then he left again? Well, someone came to pick him up, an old man. His mother? It seems to be, I can't remember. What was he like when he left? Nope, not at all.Alas, at a young age, life is over.What a pity, what a pity. Did he say anything?People and things? Say?Ah, he's a weirdo, sometimes he doesn't say a word for days and nights, and sometimes he talks endlessly.But we couldn't understand what he said, and we didn't want to understand.When people are old, they can't afford to use their brains. ... What about you girl?Who are you to him?How come here to find him? I am his friend. well.Although the person is gone, after all someone is thinking about it.It's always good to be more comfortable over there. Do you have a young girl here? ... old man. Ai? I ask you if there is a girl here? girl?Don't you? No, old man, not me.It was a girl, still very young.She used to be by Jing Xueping's side. ... old man? Ah, you mean her... Have? There was such a girl. where is sheI want to meet her and talk to her. She's gone too. gone? gone.How can young people stay here with us. When did you leave?Did you go with Jing Xueping? Can't remember, I can't remember anything.It's really useless-- I looked out the door.Bai Lu has been standing a few steps away, silently.The sky darkened quickly, and she was the only bright spot in the hazy background. I called her: "Bai Lu, please bring that package of fruit and snacks." On the way here, I specially bought a simple gift. She didn't seem to hear. "Bai Lu—" Suddenly, a withered claw covered the back of my hand, and I almost jumped out of the chair in fright. The old man on the opposite side opened his eyes wide: "Do you want to go and see the house where he lived? The bed he slept in before he died? Hehe." Those pupils were gray and white, extremely frightening. I withdrew my hand: "No, no, no need." Light footsteps. Bai Lu stepped in, holding a gift in both hands.I watched her every move. She went straight to the old man and bent down: "Old man, there are cakes and fruits here. You can save them and eat slowly." The old man's cloudy eyes fell on her, and he opened his dark mouth in a moment: "Hehe, you were sitting next to me just now, why did you get to the door in the blink of an eye? There was not even a sound." "I'm still here, old man," I said. "There are two of us." "Ah, two." The old man nodded frequently, "No one comes here for several years. Today, two of them come here at once, and they are both girls. It's great. I'm so happy, so happy." I still didn't give up: "Old man, that girl who has left, do you know where she went? Did you contact you again later?" The old man took the cake offered by Bai Lu, took a bite, and took another bite.grinning. "delicious." He never talked to Bai Lu and me again, as if we no longer existed. Bai Lu and I set off on our way home. It was completely dark, and for quite a stretch the road was lit only by headlights.Bai Lu drove the car very fast, as if she was on the run.Outside the car window, a few gray shadows flitted across the dark field from time to time.Probably some kind of native wild bird. This is the end?Everything is specious: the truth seems to be clear, but it still seems to be vague; I seem to feel relieved, but it seems to be more melancholy. We both breathed a sigh of relief when we finally reached the area with street lights. "Are you sad?" Bai Lu asked suddenly. I'm glad she took the initiative to speak up. "I can't tell." I thought about it and said, "I feel as if I have split into two people. One is immersed in grief and wants to cry at any time. The other is watching with cold eyes, as if he has no heart, neither sad nor sad. I don’t like it either, it’s completely insensitive. Heh, it’s weird, isn’t it?” "I can understand." "You seem to understand everything. Bai Lu, you are not like a girl your age at all." "You don't suspect that my age is fake, do you?" She smiled sweetly. "I suspect that you are lying about everything." "Well?" I said leisurely: "Name, place of origin, background, education, everything. Bai Lu, I suspect that you are a dummy." She was calm: "you are joking." "Do you think I'm in this mood?" I sighed, "It doesn't matter. Bai Lu, thank you for being with me these days. Without you, I definitely wouldn't be able to come to this place today." Bai Lu was silent for a long time before she said, "One visit to this kind of place is enough." After another long drive, we are about to leave the island. "Do you love him?" Bai Lu asked again.Ha, what a sharp question. "What is love?" I asked back, "Some people love celebrities, in fact, they want to vent themselves; .Love, I really don’t understand the word.” "But he loves you." "Who?" "The dead man." "You haven't seen him, how do you know?" "I guess." Our car plunged into the tunnel and drove across the bridge. Yes, Jing Xueping loves me. Mom has lived for another four months since he first came to my house.Under her strong request, I had to take Jingkoping home every weekend.We do the housework together and serve my mother.I buy vegetables and cook, Jing Xueping cleans the house, arranges potted wintersweet in the courtyard, and raises narcissus in the room.We only talk when mom is awake.When she fell asleep, Jing Xueping and I were relatively speechless.Sometimes drink a cup of tea and sit for the whole afternoon.We seem to be really in love, and it seems that we have become an old husband and wife directly. "I want to see you get married," my mother said to us. "That's the only way I can feel at ease." She is getting weaker and weaker, and may die at any time. I discussed with Jing Xueping behind her back, or just hold the simplest ceremony at home.Of course it doesn't count.I emphasized.Jing Xueping agreed to everything, but he was going to ask his mother to come forward. I met Ni Shuangxia for the first time. Jing Xueping arranged for me to meet his mother for a preparatory meeting.From the first sight, I knew that Ni Shuangxia didn't like me, and I hated her too.I don't think it's necessary to perfuse her for the rest of her life, so I didn't take it to heart at first. During the period, when Jing Xueping went to the toilet, Ni Shuangxia immediately lost face. "Do you love my son?" she asked viciously. I am very surprised, what does this have to do with love? I honestly answered: "No." "Then why are you trying so hard to marry him?" "I?" "You will ruin his life like this." This is simply making trouble for no reason.I suppressed my anger and said: "Auntie, your son has already explained the whole story clearly just now. Don't I need to repeat it again? I don't love your son, and I don't want to marry him at all. What I'm doing now is just to comfort me Mom. She has been gone for a few days. I admit that I have wronged your son, and I have wronged you even more. I will try to make up for you in the future. At this moment, I just ask you to show kindness and cooperate with us to finish this scene. Thank you very much!" I bowed to her. Ni Shuangxia said: "Don't think I don't know what you're planning. My son is stupid and stubborn. I'm not as stupid as him. I want to protect him." I laughed, "What was my idea?" "Don't you just want to make a fake show?" "Me? And Jing Xueping?" "Where did you talk?" Jing Xueping came back, and seemed very happy to see me having a lively conversation with his mother. I blurted out: "Certificate." "what?" "Auntie agrees that we go to get the marriage certificate. This is more reassuring for mother than any ceremony." I took his arm.I knew Ni Shuangxia's face without looking at it, and suddenly, the joy in her heart was surging like a surging river tide. It's just a fake show. When I brought the marriage certificate in front of my mother, she didn't even have the energy to look at it.Still, she smiled with difficulty.I made my mother die smiling. So far I don't know why my mother identified Jing Xueping. 倪双霞气得足足有一年没和儿子讲话。 她无法接受我的自私、任性和不可理喻。她更无法接受的是，她的儿子所爱的，恰恰是这样的一个女人。 是啊景雪平爱我。即使到了今天，我也不能否认这一点。 终于回到家。 白璐去赶最后一班地铁，我独自上楼。 开门进去，客厅里的长沙发上，依稀一个人影。我全身血液冻结。 “朱燃。” 台灯亮起。是沈秀雯。 “怎么不开灯？”我倒在沙发上，“吓死我了。” 她递过来一样东西。 “哗，望远镜？” “高倍数的，德国货。”她微笑，“今天带来给小轩玩过了，他喜欢得不得了。我答应送给他。” 我有些惊奇，已经许久没见到沈秀雯的笑容。她今天看上去很不一样。 “小轩呢？” “本来还硬撑着要等你，我打发他去睡了。今天幸亏我来，这孩子到八点都还没吃晚饭，一个人孤零零地在啃饼干。可怜。你这个当妈的算怎么回事？成天只顾忙自己的，太不称职了。” “红妹连晚饭都没做？” “我来了就没见她出过房间，听小轩说病了躺在床上。” “那小轩吃的什么？” “现在想起来问了？”沈秀雯嗔怪，“总算我这个阿姨还有点儿小能耐，临时炒出几个菜来，你儿子吃得简直像个非洲灾民。”台灯的一点光源照亮她的脸庞，圆润中透出秀气，恍惚有点西洋油画中美人的意思。啊沈秀雯。她本来，曾经那样美丽过的。 我心头一热：“秀雯，我——” “嗳？” 话到嘴边，终是怯了。我讪讪地笑：“我是太不合格，要不你给小轩当妈吧。” “那你干什么去？” "I?" 要不要告诉她？有太多太多的事可说：关于景雪平的死，关于成墨缘，关于白璐、关于新世界…… 我迟疑着，从茶几上拿过望远镜：“这很贵吧？” 举到眼前，慢慢转动方向。呵，这是沈秀雯的额头、鼻子尖，脖颈。真是天生的好皮肤，虽然发胖，却减缓了衰老的速度。在镜头里闪着光，吹弹得破。秀雯，她生来是做雍容的主妇和慈爱的妈妈的，她根本就不该成为什么女金刚。 沈秀雯的手压住镜头。 “朱燃，今天和你一起回来的女孩是谁？” "you saw it?" “我从窗户里看见的，用这个。”她指指望远镜。 “她叫白璐，我公司里的小助理。”我横躺到沙发上，实在太累了，说话都吃力。 沈秀雯有些拿不准的样子：“她怎么和你那么像？” “像我？” “是啊。天太黑看不清五官，但就是感觉像。仿佛看见好多年前的你。” 我坐起来：“过去的我和今天的我在一起？听上去怪吓人的。” “也是……可能我是看岔了。”沈秀雯沉默下来，我看着她，不知为什么胸中像堵了块巨石，愈来愈沉重。 “秀雯！”我叫起来，“你这些天都在哪里？你要望远镜有什么用？你今天为什么来？” 她“嘘”我：“小声点，吵醒了小轩。” 我们拉扯着退入我的房间，关门，并肩坐到床沿。从十几岁起我就与沈秀雯在床上细说心事。 几十年如一日，人生恍然一梦。 “秀雯。”我刚起头，便哽咽。 她温柔地抚弄我的肩膀：“看看，都憔悴成什么样子了。不管怎样，你要保重自己，小轩只有你。” “秀雯——” “你猜对了，”她悠悠地说，“我特意买了这个望远镜，就是用来看成墨缘。盯梢需要专业工具嘛。”沈秀雯凄然一笑，“现在我算明白了，我最近的行径和疯子无异。” 我什么话都说不出。 “都过去了，别为我担心。”她握紧我的手，“最极端的时候，我试过二十四小时不吃不喝不睡盯着他。这不也挺过来了？都结束了。望远镜我再也不需要了，所以今天才带来送给小轩。让他用来看夜空中的星星，树上的小鸟，水里的鱼。那些才是值得看的。” 我问不出口，又不得不问：“……你见过他了？” “他？”沈秀雯的音调稍稍一变，但立即恢复平和，“不，我没有见过他，从今往后也不想见他。不，朱燃，从头至尾我都错了。我将罪与恕全部系在成墨缘的身上，其实是多么不公平的一件事。他只不过是个普通人，和你我一样。他并不是全能的上帝。” “你真能释怀？”我将信将疑，心中的焦虑不减反增。 沈秀雯拉过我的手，放在她的左手腕上。我颤抖着抚摸那道伤痕，翻出的皮肉比旁边的颜色深很多，表象狰狞。那次她割腕自杀，决心下得多么坚决。但，沈秀雯终究没有死。 “我虽行过死荫的幽谷，也不怕遭害。因为你与我同在。你的杖，你的竿，都安慰我。” “秀雯！” “最终还是主指引了我。”她继续说，“他使我的灵魂苏醒，为自己的名引导我走义路。” 我泪如泉涌。 “不要伤心。朱燃，我找到了最好的归宿。圣母献堂会已经批准我做初试生，所以今天我特意来与你道别。” “什么献堂会？什么初试生？我听不懂！” 我在流泪，她却微笑：“你该为我高兴，我已立志献身于主。朱燃，这是修行，是福祉。” “什么修行？富商在家里打坐，明星去西藏转经，每个时尚人士都号称在修行。秀雯，没想到你也赶这种时髦！” 沈秀雯并没有生气。我这样恶毒的言辞也激怒不了她。 她说：“我会为你祷告。” “我才不要！”我嚷起来，“秀雯，求求你不要离开我。一个个都走了，你也要走。今后我还有谁，还有谁能帮我？” 我完全忘记了，计划周详要走的人是我自己。我只是万难接受沈秀雯比我早一步。她怎么可以就这样抛下我！ “朱燃，你静一静。主与我们同在。” “那是你的主！与我有什么关系！” “你还是自私，又任性。”沈秀雯依旧平静地笑着，“永远是个长不大的蛮横小姑娘。” “可是秀雯，你才四十岁啊……”我扑到她的肩头，把满脸的泪擦上她的衣襟。心像在火上炙烤，痛不可当。沈秀雯轻轻拍我的背，“瞧你说的，信奉主又没有年龄限制。” “你的事业？” “哪里称得上事业，小生意而已。我都盘算好了。店铺退租，存货总有人接手的。我会给员工发一笔丰厚的遣散。今后等我发了永愿，我会把自家的房子也一并交予主。你看，我全都想好了。” I am speechless. 我终于失去她了。沈秀雯，我此生最好的、唯一的朋友：我有多少对不起她，她就有多少对不起我的——朋友。不是每个人都有这样的朋友。 "Sorry." I said. 沈秀雯的身子微微一颤。 “是我毁了你的终生幸福。请你原谅我。” 她闭起眼睛，又睁开。她说：“我们都是罪人，只能求主的宽恕。” 什么都不必再说。关于我的一切，对沈秀雯已经失去意义。 当夜，我们又回到了学生时代。沈秀雯与我躺在同一张床上。我们相互依偎。所不同的是，过去我们常喋喋不休地谈上通宵，何时睡去谁先睡着，永远是桩无头公案。今夜我们并不交谈，但都在黑暗中大睁着眼睛。彻夜未眠。 我又看到那些夜晚，听到青春在饶舌聒噪中流逝的声音。那时我们憧憬未来，设想过无数种可能性。但从没想到过，我们会走到今天这一步。 那时候，我们的主题永远是爱情。 我从中学时代就有人追求，大学里更是不缺乏崇拜者。那时候我已知道，男人中的绝大多数普普通通，既不够好也不太坏。他们带不来书中所描绘的，那种惊心动魄、足以颠覆整个人生的爱情。 现实就是现实。 不过，沈秀雯的爱情观全部来自于文学，她精通纸张上的浪漫。我们总在床上交换意见。比如—— 那次，她要和我聊聊俄国小说。 “这故事里的女主角好傻，真会在桥上等了一夜又一夜。”沈秀雯感叹。 “因为那个男人承诺过她吧。” “但是起初他并没有出现呀！她怎么能确信没有上当受骗呢？” “最后她还是等到了他。” “所以男主角落了一场空。真可怜。”沈秀雯常常这样为古人担忧，替书中人鸣不平，“男主角听她倾诉，陪她等待，真心实意地爱上她。结果呢，满腔痴情还敌不过一个负心汉。” “女主角等待的可不是负心汉哦。再说不爱就是不爱，这种事勉强不得。所以最后连男主角也说了，只要自己不觉得深情妄付，就能靠那一分钟的欢娱，受用整整一辈子。” 沈秀雯说：“朱燃，你是个冷血动物。” “哗，怎么又骂起我来了？” “我倒想看你矜持一辈子。” “我倒想看你矫情一辈子。” 她把书盖在脸上：“反正我相信，只要真爱就是孤独的。” "nausea." 她扑过来，我们在床上打得不亦乐乎—— 二十年过去了，我还能清楚地记得那本书里的话：“上帝创造此君，莫非是为了给你的心，做伴于短短的一瞬？” 我永远不会告诉沈秀雯，我曾经悄悄地为这句话流泪。 只要真爱就是孤独的。 晨光熹微，窗上透出淡淡的红色。太阳依旧升起来。空中尚有一轮残月。稀薄透明的白色，像吃剩下的半块蛋清，被丢弃在蓝色的盘子边缘。 看见我和沈秀雯都在家，小轩简直心花怒放。我给大家做早餐，就连红妹也起来了。躺了一整天，她的苹果脸像小了一圈，不过精神恢复了。早餐后，红妹照例跑菜场，小轩和多多约在小区会所打乒乓球。我送秀雯出门。 如常的周末，小区里的人行道几乎全被私家车占满。保时捷应当是沈秀雯首先抛弃的身外之物，所以我们步行。在我的身旁，秀雯不慌不忙地走着。我才注意到，她穿了一身藏青色的棉楼，黑色棉鞋。整个人清减利落。 走在小区边门，沈秀雯止步。“我就在前面搭公交车。”我竟从不知道，公交车站离开小区这么近。 我目送她远去。沈秀雯的肩上挎着一个深咖啡色的帆布袋，昨天，她就是用这个袋子装了那沉甸甸的望远镜来吧。此刻袋子空空瘪瘪的垂下来，还真是无牵无挂。公交车来了，她朝我挥挥手，踏步上车。看那黑色的背影，已俨然是位耄耋老妇，又依稀多年前的素朴女生。 天晓得！我是多么羡慕她，又是多么哀怜她。 公交车开走了。我转身向小区的正门走去。人还没到房产中介公司，张经理的电话已经打进来。 约好了这个时间签售房合同。 all the best. 中午时分，我的帐户里多了五百万的款项。其余三百万款子直接还到银行的贷款户头里。我与小轩今日的栖身之所，已在法律上归属他人。不过，我们还有一个月的时间搬离。 我站在楼下。于寒风中，仰望不再属于我的阳台。 “老宅是不能卖的。”当初，景雪平曾经这样坚持。他指的是我与妈妈居住的老房子。 结婚时我想卖掉老家，凑钱和景雪平一起买套大点的新居。不仅因为老家在底层，潮湿阴暗，设施老化，居住有诸多不便；还因为妈妈在此过世，我想借卖掉老宅，送走全部伤感的记忆。 景雪平居然坚决反对。 他的理由还是唯心论的。口口声声说老宅里有妈妈的灵气。屋子在，妈妈的魂魄就能继续保佑我。一旦失去老屋，我的根基也就没有了。从此，将如浮萍漂零于世。 我对景雪平的这一套说辞嗤之以鼻。信他就是我有病。但还是打消了卖房的念头。 当然不是因为那些乱七八糟的鬼话。而是因为我认识到，景雪平所眷恋的，其实是我们在一起陪伴妈妈度过的最后时光，是我与他之间那场弄假成真的恋爱。 看他那么珍惜，打动了我。 再后来我下决心卖老宅，景雪平果然暴怒。这件事也成为我们离婚的引爆点，压死骆驼的最后一根稻草。老房还是卖掉了。卖房款充了一部分首付，再加上沈秀雯的资助，我才千辛万苦挣下这套江景新居。不料，它在我的手上仅仅停留了三年。 难道真如景雪平所预言的？失去旧宅，即成浮萍。 No.我是要去新世界，那里有蓝天白云大海，有自由和空气。我和小轩将在那里生根发芽。现在所失去的，只不过是桎梏和牢笼。 我想念起卢天敏，我已有多久没听到他的声音？我要通知他好消息。 我赶忙拨他的号码，手抖个不停。 他立即接了，这可稀奇。 “天敏？”我唤他。 明明都听见他的呼吸声了，可就是不答应。 “天敏——说话呀，我知道你在。”我急得跺脚。一个孩子追着小皮球正跑到我面前，被吓得往后直躲。在他眼里，我俨然是个疯婆子了吧？ “是你啊……”卢天敏终于搭腔了，瓮声瓮气的。一点儿也不热情。 我不计较，我什么都不计较了。此时此刻，只要能听到他的声音，我就像快溺死的人抓到救命稻草。 “你在哪里？”我问。 "Shanghai." “我知道你在上海，我是问具体地点。还在香格里拉吗？我去找你。” "No." “不？”我的脑筋越来越迟钝，不愿思考，一味冲动。“不什么？为什么不让我来找你？我想你！”我冲着手机嚷。 “朱燃！”卢天敏也抬高了声音，“我们不是说好的吗？” “说好的？” 我依稀记起来了，卢天敏曾提到在移民手续办完前不再见面。真是的，我都在火上烤了，还要顾及到他那份骤然暴涨的自尊心。 但我明白，卢天敏有卢天敏的原则。某些人就是这样得天独厚，永远只有旁人来迁就他。这不是性格，也不是道理，说来说去，这就是命。 我软下来：“天敏，我真的非常非常想你。你……想我吗？” He didn't answer. 我在心里深深地叹口气。这些天我叹的气，大概可以吹涨一千只气球了。等真的踏上澳洲的时候，我一定要在那片黄金般的沙滩上放起一千只气球。 碧海，蓝天，一千种五彩的心愿。 会有那么一天的，上帝应怜我。 “天敏，钱筹齐了。” “钱？怎么筹的？” "I sold the house." 他再次沉默。a long time.这一回我耐心等待。 “全卖了？”他的嗓音变得暗哑。 我笑出来：“房子又不能一半一半地卖。” “那你住哪儿？” “还有一个月的时间交房。反正要走，大部分的东西都扔掉，搬家倒也方便。”我说，“天敏，手续怎么样了？” “……差不多了。” “钱我马上转给你。” “朱燃。”卢天敏今天真是古怪，一次次欲言又止。 "how?" “你真的想好了？” "certainly." “会不会后悔？” 我愣了愣，这话问得好蹊跷。可我已没有任何退路，即使弦外之音震天般响，我也必须听不见。 我说：“不后悔。”发自肺腑。 “好吧。”他的语气简直像个老头子，“我把帐号发到你手机上。” “嗯。我会立刻去办。”该挂电话了，还有许多许多事要去忙。但我舍不得，好像那看不见的信号里维系着我全部的生机。 我说：“我爱你。” He remained silent. 我又说一遍：“我爱你。”泪已盈眶——求求你，也说给我听。 他说了，虽然说得极其低微，但我能听见。 “我也爱你。”实实在在地听见了。我笑着挂断电话。手背上多了颗小小的水珠，风一吹也就干了。 我到会所的乒乓球馆时，训练课刚刚结束。 小轩满身大汗地冲我跑过来，手里还高举着乒乓板，不住地挥舞。“妈妈，比赛我赢了！” “好，好。”我实在欣慰，这么喜欢运动的小人儿，澳洲应该会使他满意。 我和小轩手牵手朝外走。 “朱燃！”我们被简琳挡住去路。我还从来没见过她这样狼狈，头发散乱，衣衫不整。看起来老了足有十岁。 我真心诧异：“多多妈，你怎么啦？” “朱